Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 6 - Design House - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

You're going to have
to go faster, Charlene.

Okay, okay. Let me try it again.

Hi, this is Sugarbakers'.

We're just sick we've
missed your call.

If you'd be wonderful
enough to leave your name,

number, and any message
your little heart desires,

we'll get right back to you.

Wasn't that longer
than ten seconds?

Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry.

My mind just wandered.



I was trying to figure out
how the Landers sisters

got into your body.

Mary Jo, come on, be serious.

I was just trying
to sound friendly.

Oh, you do sound friendly.

You also sound easy.

Yes, Charlene,

answering machines are
to solicit business, not sex.

We just want a simple message.

I was just trying to
give it a little oomph.

Oomph is completely
different from sex.

If you don't
like it, you try it.

- Okay, I'll be happy to.
- Okay, you have ten...

Hello, this is a machine.
You know what to do.



Seconds.

Come on, Julia,

That showed
absolutely no creativity.

Mine was much better.
What do you think, Mary Jo?

Oh, I don't know, I think

I would hope for a compromise
somewhere between

Marilyn Monroe
and Clint Eastwood.

Well, here, you try it.

Oh, no. Oh, not me, no.

I always sound
like a duck on those.

It's a traumatic
experience for me

just ordering food for my
kids at the Jack in the Box.

[Charlene] Well, good
morning, Suzanne.

What's good about it?

It's just another morning
like yesterday morning,

and the morning before that.

Take a bath, do your nails,

watch Wheel of
Fortune, eat candy.

I know what you mean.

It's a grind, isn't it?

It got so bad this morning,

I decided to go
to my health club.

Julia, you ought to join.

They got a special
introductory offer,

and you get your
own private trainer

and free sauna and
massage for a year.

I don't think so. I hate saunas.

I especially hate getting naked

and sitting around
looking at all that stuff

that grows on people.

Well, I'm glad to see

you're your usual
negative self today.

Now I don't even feel bad

that the meeting with
Madeleine Adams is off.

What do you mean
the meeting is off?

Madeleine Adams is
a very important client.

I know, I couldn't help myself.

I went to a birthday
party last night,

and you know how Madeleine is.

She got all hot and bothered

because all the men got
hot and bothered over me.

You mean Madeleine cancelled us

because you hogged
all the men at her party?

I swear on a Bible,

someone pushed Ansel
and me into that pool.

- Who is Ansel?
- Madeleine's husband.

Only reason we stayed in

was because the
water was so warm.

Suzanne.

How could you?

I didn't do anything
except be myself.

I was bored.

You don't know how hard it is

to be on this social
merry-go-round.

Look at this, it never ends.

Dinner, lunch, lunch, dinner,

lunch, lunch, brunch, lunch.

I'd like to do more
for Sugarbakers'

than just eat.

Well, I say, if the bib fits...

For your information, Julia,

I do not enjoy
eating all that much.

I take all these
lunches and brunches

to bring in business.

There's nothing wrong with
enjoying eating, Suzanne.

I ate a pie last night.

You're kidding.

A whole pie?

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

Everybody does
it once in a while.

They just don't admit it.

That's why I'm
fasting on that water.

I saw on Lifestyles of
the Rich and Famous,

Lesley Ann Warren drinks
six of those bottles every day,

and she looks 12 years old.

You always do this, Charlene.

You always tell some
inconsequential story,

just when I'm about to
say something important.

It wasn't inconsequential,
it was a health tip.

Anyway, what I'm upset about is

somebody said something
at the party last night

that made me think people
might have the impression

I don't know anything about
the decorating business,

and I'm just a bimbo
front-person for Sugarbakers'.

What did they say?

They said I don't know anything

about the decorating business.

I'm just a bimbo
front-person for Sugarbakers'.

Who said it?

Madeleine Adams.

The truth is, I'm not taken
seriously around here,

and I am an equal
partner in Sugarbakers'.

I think that should
count for something.

It does. Your
name is on the door.

That is not enough.

And I am sick and
tired of just being known

as the good-looking
one around here.

I want to be appreciated
for my abilities

like all of you.

I don't know why you can't
be happy with what you do.

I'm not a decorator,

but I take pride in
being the office manager.

There, that's exactly my point.

Even you, Charlene,
have a highfalutin title.

I'm the only one around here
who doesn't have a position.

How about first clarinet?

It's just a little joke.

Suzanne, I don't
mean to seen unkind,

but being a decorator is just

plain, old-fashioned hard work.

And so far, the hardest
work you've ever known

is trying to blow-dry your hair

exactly the way your
hairdresser does it.

Now that is not true.

Anyway,

I know I don't have
any professional training,

but everybody has
to start somewhere.

And I'm willing to
begin on a trial basis.

What does that mean?

It means I try it.

If I don't like it, I
don't do it anymore.

What do you mean,
"Even Charlene has a title?"

Anthony, where have you been?

I promised Wilma
Hobbs you'd be out there

with that chaise lounge
this morning... listen here.

If you aren't going to make
deliveries for Sugarbakers',

you just can't come
waltzing in here at 10:30.

Can you?

Mary Jo.

It's Thursday.

Anthony meets with
his parole officer.

Oh. Oh, I forgot. I'm so sorry.

Yes. Well, I'm sure you
would have no way of knowing

what a traumatic
experience that is for me.

It is upsetting enough

to be reminded of my
unfortunate incarceration,

but then to have to
come in here and endure

a personal attack
on my punctuality...

I'm so sorry, I...
I-I wasn't thinking.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of going

to my parole officer's
all the time anyway.

I mean, he always asks me,

"How are you doing on
your new job, Anthony?"

And I say to him,

"Well, Mr. Farber,
I'm hanging drapes.

I'm working with
chintz and valances

and Austrian puffs."

And the dude just looks at me

like he does not know
what I am talking about.

I mean, the man
is just so uncouth.

Excuse me, but I
don't have all morning

to sit around here listening
to ex-convict stories.

Are y'all going to let me
be a decorator, or not?

Oh, all right, Suzanne. You
have money invested here.

I don't know how
we can stop you.

This is really what you
want, just jump right in.

In fact, take the next job

that comes through that door.

- Do you mean it?
- Absolutely.

- Julia!
- Julia!

Don't worry.
She'll lose interest.

We're talking about a person

who never finished
anything in her life.

Even when she was little,

her coloring books
only had the hair filled in.

You just wait.

You're gonna have
to eat those words.

You're going to be a decorator?

- That's right.
- She might be good.

I know it's not about business,

but it's been my experience

that you can never
tell about people...

I mean, whether they
going to do good or do bad.

I had three of the sorriest
cell mates you've ever seen.

And do you know, all
three of those dudes

were named after a president?

Mmm, you never know, do you?

That's right. I'm taking
that to Ms. Hobbs, right now.

Thank you so much, Anthony.

Okay, just remember,

the next person
through that door is mine.

Well, there they are...

The eight finest
breasts in Georgia.

Oh, it's only Boyd.

Now is that any way to talk
to a raving heterosexual?

We weren't expecting
another decorator.

Especially one that's the bearer

- of such a tasty bit of news.
- What news?

Well, just that
Sugarbakers' been selected

along with seven
other design firms,

to decorate a room
in Design House '86.

Design House? We've been chosen?

- Are you serious?
- Well, kiss me and find out.

I'll take your word.

This is just wonderful.

I never expected to get
in Design House this soon!

I can't believe it!

Boyd,

are you sure you're not
just playing some cruel

interior designer joke?

Mary Jo, I promise,

I would never joke
about anything like this.

Well, maybe I would,

but I'm not, so congratulations.

Here is the key.

I'll just be taking that,
thank you very much.

Julia said the next
job was my job.

- Your job.
- Mmm-hmm.

Speaking of cruel
interior designer jokes.

[Suzanne] Can you believe it?

Design House '86,

my very first job
as a decorator.

You'll be doing the
master bedroom.

Well, at least it's
her field of expertise.

- Suzanne, we have to talk.
- Oh, no, Julia.

You said the next
job was my job.

Don't be an Indian-giver.

Why don't we try to discuss
this like mature adults?

No. Design House is all mine,

and I got it fair and square.

Jack, Jack, no trade back.

Okay, what'd you want to say?

Just that you make me sick.

Well, Julia, let's not be petty.

After all, it was your idea.

Congratulations, Suzanne.

Yeah, ditto.

Well, I've got to run.

I have all those
other firms to notify.

Only wanted to
stop by here first

because y'all truly are

[all] the eight finest
breasts in Georgia.

[laughing]

Well, at least in
the design business.

- Say, Boyd.
- What?

- Get out.
- Right.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Every firm is responsible
for babysitting Design House.

And I'm not sure,

but I believe you guys
have every Monday.

Any problem with that?

You mean actually sleep there?

Yeah. You know, just
keep an eye on everything.

It's no problem,
I can handle it.

Yeah. [laughing]

Well, I'll leave y'all
to your champagne.

Forget champagne.

This calls for whiskey.

[Woman on TV] All right,

hold your head all the way back.

Open your mouth,
relax your chin.

Now say, "Ahh. Oh."

Good morning.

Ahh, oh.

- Close enough.
- I'm sorry.

I'm watching that woman

who wrote that book
on non-surgical facelift.

Charlene, where's Anthony?

He went over to Design House

with that new ottoman.

Oh, shoot. We wanted
to throw those pillows

on the back of the truck, too.

I called Suzanne over there,
but there was no answer.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yesterday was Monday.

Well, she's probably exhausted.

You know, up all night
patrolling the grounds.

I never thought I'd see the day

when she would take on
this kind of responsibility.

I know, and you
know something else?

It was pretty darn nice of her

to let us help with
the decorating.

She didn't have to
do that, you know.

Maybe we've been
too hard on her.

Maybe, but it's not
a happy thought.

Mary, look at this.

I want y'all to see
these facial exercises.

Do you think there's
any way this could work?

- No.
- Mmm-mmm.

Then when the time comes,

I'm going to have
something done.

No way I'm gonna end
up sitting in a restaurant

with my neck hanging in my soup.

You know, I've often
wondered why we can't

continuously show ourselves
in the most flattering light.

You know, the way
we, like, light a room?

How would you do that?

Well, you'd have
to wear a harness

with a big spotlight in back
and candles in the front.

You've given this a lot
of thought, haven't you?

Shh. Be quiet, listen.

This is Peter Dunlap,
live from the site

of this morning's
devastating fire

that destroyed Design House '86.

- [all gasping]
- Suzanne.

According to Chief
Inspector Barb Baddoff,

there were no
injuries or fatalities,

and investigators
are now on the scene

trying to determine
the cause of the blaze.

[all] Oh!

I just can't believe it.

Our very first chance at
decorating at Design House,

and we burn it to the ground.

We're never going to work again.

You know what they're
going to say about us?

They're going to say
that we're dangerous.

Julia, do you think
that was actually

a man under that
blanket with her?

Of course it was a man.

It had on a man's
suit and pants.

It walked like a man,
it looked like a man.

Suzanne doesn't know
any women but us.

I can't believe it...

The whole building gone,

a smoking pile of rubble.

What do you think they
were doing in there?

I don't know, but obviously,

it was a little more than
rubbing two sticks together.

Well, it's a miracle
Suzanne wasn't hurt.

Don't you worry.
I will rectify that.

Now, Julia, wait a minute.
We don't have all the facts.

You don't know for
sure it was her fault.

It had been my experience
that wherever disaster strikes,

Suzanne cannot be far behind.

She has always been
the kind of person

who wrecks cars, burns
holes in the carpeting,

writes phone
messages on furniture.

If she had been
on the Hindenburg,

she would've been
smoking cigarettes.

Anthony, thank
goodness you're here.

We have something to tell you.

Design House is gone.

We know, we
heard it on the news.

Did they let you actually
drive right up to it?

I don't think you
all understand.

There is no "it" anymore.

The sucker is gone...
G-O-N-E, '86, over and out.

Here's your ottoman back.

Did you talk to the police?

No, I don't much
like hanging around

where stuff has
just disappeared.

Did you see Suzanne?

Uh-uh. I was moving too fast.

I'll just be taking this
back to the storeroom.

Can you imagine how
horrible and humiliating,

to be caught on
TV without lip gloss?

You know, Julia, I bet

in her own way, Suzanne
feels even worse than we do.

No, she doesn't.

She'll have some
cock-and-bull explanation

for the whole thing, and
then she'll fly off to Barbados.

In a few weeks,
we'll get one of those

"Hope you're not
still mad at me" cards

with a happy face
stuck on the front.

Now Julia, I know
Suzanne can be thoughtless,

but I just don't believe that.

Then you should talk
to Teddy Mack Henson.

Who is Teddy Mack Henson?

A friend of Mother's.

Suzanne backed
over his dog at a party,

and sent him an
autographed picture of herself

the next day.

[Charlene] Julia,
you're making that up.

Trust me when I tell you

that this is how she operates.

She has been my
sister for 30 years.

29.

Oh, I know what
y'all are thinking,

and I don't blame you.

There wasn't a name
you could call me

I haven't already called myself.

- How about dogface?
- Julia.

All right. I'll hold off

until I've asked
this one question.

- Are you all right?
- I think so.

I'm glad, dogface.

Go ahead, and abuse
me, punish me, I don't care.

Suzanne, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

I'll just be cleaning
out my desk.

You don't have a desk.

Good, I didn't deserve one.

All I want now is
just to fade away

and become completely incognito.

Then you'll have to
get rid of the bedspread.

I can't believe you
were on the news.

Did you know what
they were filming you for?

No, I thought those
guys with the cameras

were Japanese tourists.

You don't talk like
yourself anymore.

Being in a fire has
made you clever.

Oh, now, don't try cheering
me up with compliments.

I know who I am,
I know what I did,

and now I deserve to die.

- How's my hair look?
- Oh, not that bad.

It was a little messed
up in the back,

- Your profile looked great.
- I don't believe this!

Suzanne, you have
just single-handedly

destroyed Design House,

not to mention
Sugarbakers' reputation.

And I think we deserve
a little explanation.

There's not much to tell,
actually, it's all my fault.

I was trying to light
a fire in the fireplace.

I didn't think it took,
but it must have

because I dozed off,
and the next thing I knew,

it was just like
a house of fire.

She was never especially
good with similes.

Suzanne, who was that man
with you under the blanket?

Clinton Summers,

but he had
nothing to do with it.

I only called him
because I was scared there

all by myself.

He was asleep in the designer
kitchen when it happened.

[all] Mmm.

Oh, I don't care if
you believe me or not.

Anyway, you'll
have my resignation

just as soon as I can
borrow an electric typewriter.

Oh, don't be silly, Suzanne.

You're not going to quit anyway.

We need your money.

What do I care about
money? I'll be in prison.

What do you mean, prison?

Did the police question you?

Of course they questioned me.

They're going to
prove negligence.

Then they'll arrest me

and take me off to
one of those institutions

where everything
you wear is gray.

I don't look good in gray.

Oh, Suzanne, that's
not going to happen.

You think I will
look good in gray?

Suzanne could be right.

If they can prove negligence,

there's no telling what kind
of trouble she could be in.

Not that you
couldn't talk them into

letting you dye your
uniform any color you want.

Hey, how's it going?

What you been up to?

Seen any good movies lately?

That's real funny, Anthony.

Wait, I have to talk to you.

I don't like the sound of that.

You've been in prison, right?

I especially don't
like the sound of that.

Well, I was wondering,
what would you think

about saying that you slept
at Design House last night?

It wouldn't be quite so
bad if you went to prison

because you've already
been there before,

and nobody would
think anything about it.

I could send you a
little money every month,

then, before you know it,
you'd be out on good behavior.

I don't think so, but thank
you for thinking of me.

Well, what am I going to do?

What am I going to do?
This is not funny anymore.

I'm in serious trouble.

I don't know about y'all,

but I can't bear
to see her like this.

I mean, she's all humble.

It's like watching
Howard Cosell cry.

Oh, I can't it.

Suzanne, if it'll make
you feel any better,

I'll tell everybody
I was there, too.

Well, what good would that do?

I don't know. It
might confuse them.

It could've just as easily
have happened to me.

Oh, Charlene,
that is ridiculous.

You are the most
efficient, well-organized,

responsible person on Earth.

I know, Julia.

But I might have caused sparks

by walking across
the carpeting real fast.

Or I might have had
a stroke and fallen,

hit my head on a pilot
light, caught my hair on fire,

causing me to run
from room to room

trying to put myself out.

Thank you, Charlene.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
I'll say I was there, too.

That'll really confuse them.

I think you all

are overestimating
this confusion thing.

They're not going
to be confused.

They're just going to
put all three of you in jail.

Now, Julia, when we
started this business,

we said it was one
for all, and all for one.

Yeah, that's right.

And now the chips are down.

This is a test of
our determination

and strength of our unity.

Or, maybe not.

I wasn't there, and I'm
not going to say I was.

Oh, all right.

I mean, I think it's
absolutely idiotic.

Oh, you are the best
friends a girl ever had.

- Mmm.
- Isn't that sweet?

I feel like we're
on the last episode

of The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Room for one more?

Now Boyd, if you
came to point a finger,

you're gonna have to use four.

That's right. We're all guilty.

United, we stand,
divided, we fall.

Oh, get off of it.

Everybody in Georgia knows

Suzanne was sitting in
Design House last night.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

[laughing]

All right now, look.

All we want to say is that

no matter who was actually
on the premises last night,

it was Sugarbakers'
responsibility,

and we're taking it... All
four of us, not just one.

I just came by to tell you

the cause of the fire
was inadequate wiring.

It was nobody's fault.

Are you sure?

I just met with the
deputy fire inspector.

Oh, well, that is just...
That's so wonderful.

I can't tell you
what a wreck I was.

I thought it might've
been that swimming suit

I put in the oven to dry,

or when Clinton and I
were on the sun porch

roasting marshmallows
with those cigarette lighters...

Suzanne. Yeah?

Be quiet.

It's okay.

They know about
the marshmallows.

It was the wiring.

But the really good news is

we were very heavily insured.

Well, that is
wonderful news, Boyd.

I feel like we
should all join hands

and sing a chorus of
"We Are the World."

Suzanne, were you really
toasting marshmallows

with a cigarette lighter?

Yeah, I told you that.

I couldn't get the
fireplace to work.

What's wrong with that?

Suzanne, if my
children had done that,

they'd be grounded for a week.

Yes, well, don't worry.

Suzanne will be grounded
a lot longer than that.

Oh, you don't have
to say anything, Julia.

I don't want to be a
decorator anymore.

You don't?

No, you all were right.

I'm not the sort of
person who's cut out

for one of those jobs where
you can't sleep till noon.

Anyway, I realize now
that lunch is my forte.

It's what I do best.

Some of us were
born to be out front,

and some of us were born
to be behind the scenes.

Why is it that all of a sudden,

I feel like the hunchback
of Notre Dame?

I happen to be one of
those out front people.

So now I'm going to go home

and take a nice,
hot bubble bath.

Then, after Wheel
of Fortune is over,

I'm going to work
on my date book.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I take all of
you out to lunch today?

Then we can talk
about my new idea,

Design Armory.

It's not quite the same,
but at least it's fireproof.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, now, hey,
wait a second here.

New deal is,

I stay off of your turf,
you stay off of mine.

Lunch is my job.

Okay, boy, how about
1:00, Chez Nous?

Well, fine,

I was just hoping to
have lunch with the eight...

I know what you
were hoping, Boyd.

But you're just
going to have to settle

for the top two.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA