Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 5 - Mary Jo's First Date - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Coffee's ready.

One thing I want to do

is get all these old
magazines outta here.

They're doing nothing
but collecting dust.

Mary Jo, do you mind?

That clipboard's dusty, too.

We did take inventory.
We're grubby.

Well, I'm not the grubbies type.

You'll never catch me wearing
those tacky little designer jeans

with somebody's
name across my behind.



You mean the ones Julia has on?

Yes, well, I suppose
they do give women

of a certain age
an illusion of youth.

Personally, I don't need 'em.

Well, that's a pity, Suzanne,

because your jeans could
say the designer's name,

the bylaws of the ILGWU,

and several choruses of
"Look for the Union Label."

I don't know, ladies, but
there's something about this

that's, well, darn
it, just a lot of fun.

You can have it. If
you think this is fun,

then I feel sorry for you.

Well, now, Suzanne, people
have different ideas of what's fun.

That's right. In order
to have a good time,



Mary Jo doesn't have
to spend every weekend

being thrown off Bruz
Duncan's party barge

into the Chattahoochee River.

I didn't say that. I just said

if she thinks this is fun,

then maybe she needs
to reassess her life.

Why? I think
her life's just fine.

She has a rewarding
job and two great kids.

Yeah, but what
does she do for fun?

What do you mean?

See? She doesn't even
recognize the concept.

Well, of course she does. Mary Jo
has lots of fun. Don't you, Mary Jo?

For instance, what'd
you do last night?

Last night? Well, let's see.

I made dinner for the kids.

I did some new math.

I traced all the
presidents' heads.

Lincoln's is the biggest,
if it ever comes up.

I rest my case.

Okay. So my life isn't exciting.

I don't have time
for excitement.

Mary Jo, I hate to
agree with Suzanne,

but you haven't been out with
anybody since you and Ted split up.

Well, according to Newsweek,
you'd be wasting your time

because anybody over 30 has
very little chance of marrying, anyway.

Hey, what are you talking about?

Let me see that.
Let me see that.

When did they
come out with this?

About four months ago. See?
It's when they blew up Chernobyl.

Well, that won't
ring a bell with her.

You have to relate it to something
Suzanne finds newsworthy,

like Michael Jackson's
hair catching on fire.

This is just ridiculous. I mean,
do you believe this nonsense?

Well, Suzanne, where you been?

People magazine
did the same story

with Donna Mills and some
other old maids on the cover.

Don't you remember everybody
being up in arms about it?

No. I must've been in Tijuana

having those lamb injections.

You know, every
time I see this graph,

it just makes me
mad all over again.

Every age group
has its own color.

Mine's pale blue.

I'm in the "Never Been Married."

The nerve of them.

Well, at least you had a color.

As I recall, single
women with children

didn't even show up.

For a minute, I
thought we had brown.

Then I realized Quinton had
dripped Fudgesicle juice on it.

Well, I think this is
all a lot of foolishness.

I am over 35, and
I can assure you

if I wanted to get
married again,

I wouldn't let a little thing
like a graph stand in my way.

According to this,
your age group

has a better chance of
being killed by a terrorist.

Yes, well, I think the
fellow who wrote that

has a pretty good chance
of being killed by a feminist.

It's not the
magazine's fault, Julia.

They're just stating the facts.

Well, the facts are

Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds

are even older
than those actresses

on the front of that magazine,

and you don't hear
anybody running around

calling them "over
the hill old maids."

That's true. You know, men
can get away with anything.

I mean, look at Reagan's neck.

It sags down to here.

Everybody raves about
how great he looks.

Can you imagine if
Nancy had that neck?

They'd be putting her in a
nursing home for turkeys.

If there's one thing I
hate, it's when y'all get off

on one of your socially
conscious tirades.

And, Charlene,
I'm surprised at you.

You usually stay
off of your soapbox.

I don't know about
that. I have my causes.

'Case you've forgotten,
I'm the one who picketed

when Cher didn't get
nominated for Mask.

Never mind. I wasn't
talking about that.

Well, I'm just
glad I have Mason,

and I don't have to
worry about all this stuff.

I'm gonna just find
somebody for Mary Jo.

Thank you very
much, but I am happy

with my life just like it is.

Well, I think it's
time for a change.

Suzanne, who cares
about what you think?

It's Mary Jo's life.

I know, but since I do
know the most men,

I feel it's my
responsibility to fix her up.

Let me relieve you
of the responsibility.

I swear to you, Suzanne,
I'm not interested.

My prime goal in life is to
find you a date, Mary Jo,

and I will leave
no stone unturned.

Well, that should make it easy.

After all, that's where
you find most of yours.

Good morning.

Hi.

Anything interesting
in the mail?

No. Just Ed McMahon saying

I may have already won a million
dollars in one of those sweepstakes.

How exciting. You'll probably
want to call your family right away.

You know, these things
always make me feel so guilty.

I always send back
the envelope that says

"No, but enter me in the
sweepstakes anyway."

I mean, if I won, how could
I ever face those people?

Oh, come on.
That doesn't matter.

I mean, it always says
"No purchase necessary."

Well, sure. They have to. But
you know they hate your guts

if you never order a single
one of their magazines.

I just have this
silly, irrational fear

that one night Ed's gonna
turn to Johnny and say,

"Well, Charlene Frazier sent
back the 'No' envelope again.

Boy, has that woman got gall!"

Well, good morning, troops.

I just had the most
wonderful brunch.

I went to Atlanta Stadium
with Trammell Jennings.

You know we're old friends.

There we were, in his
private, enclosed box

with TV and champagne.

I didn't know they had games
out there in the morning.

They don't. He wants
his seats reupholstered,

so I just went to have a look.

One thing led to another,
and the next thing I know,

we're having quiche. So...

That reminds me of a story.

These friends of my parents,
they're not very sophisticated,

bless their hearts, and
one night, they went

to this real fancy restaurant,
and they ordered quiche

off the menu, only
they called it a "quickie"!

Can you imagine?

Oh, you're joking.

I'm not! It was a hoot!

Charlene, you always do this.

I was building up to something.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Go ahead, build it up.

Anyway, as I was saying,

Trammell and I are sitting
there talking at the Stadium,

and right in the
middle of him telling me

how I'm probably the most attractive
woman who's ever sat in his box,

in walks J.D. Shackleford.

So?

Who's J.D. Shackleford?

Oh, you know!

He's the head person
who goes around

scouting talent for the braves.

I knew him when my ex-husband,
Jack, played second base.

So. Anyway, J.D.
and I start to talking,

and I find out he's available.

And I immediately
think of you. [chuckling]

Oh, no. What's the catch? I mean, why
aren't you going out with him yourself?

Because I don't want
to go out with him.

I've known him too long.

Anyway, he's darlin' and
funny and recently divorced,

and you'll just love him.

Recently divorced? Oh, no.

Now I know I'm not going.

Now, what is the
matter with that?

You're recently divorced, too.

Yes, I know, but
men are different

when they've just
gotten out of a marriage.

They've got something to prove.

They're macho
and crazy and nuts,

and they all talk
about their ex-wives,

and they've all got to
have sex on the first date,

and frankly, I just
don't think I'm up to it.

Nope. Nope. Count me out.

Not Now. Maybe not ever.

But thank you, anyway.

Mary Jo, for crying out loud,

you don't have to go to bed
with this guy or marry him.

You're just going out on a date.

Oh, come on.
There's no such thing

as just dating anymore.
I read Cosmopolitan.

I know what's
going on out there.

And as far as I'm concerned,

you two are just a
couple of handmaidens

preparing me for
human sacrifice.

What do you think?

Oh, that's too much eyeliner.

I look like son of Cleopatra.

- Oh, gee, thanks.
- Here.

Rub a little of this
Vaseline on your front teeth.

It makes it easier to smile
whether you feel like it or not.

Actually, Suzanne, when
I don't feel like smiling,

I just don't smile.

- Interesting concept.
- [doorbell]

[gasps]

- Shh! Shh!
- Just get the door.

[All] Julia!

[overlapping chatter]

You look lovely.

I'm just dropping off that
shawl you wanted to borrow.

Oh, thank you. You
didn't have to do that.

I thought I'd get back to
the store before you left,

but that IRS auditor
kept me waiting again.

Oh, how'd it go this time?
Was it better than the first guy?

Worse. Now I'm demanding
to see the supervisor.

What I can't understand is why
they keep adding on to our bill.

It's quite simple.
Julia insults them.

I do not.

You don't call "money-whoring,
cash-sucking cretin" an insult?

Well, that was just
to break the ice.

You know, sometimes
you say something

so outrageous,
everyone has to laugh.

You wait. Next time, I'm
going to kill them with kindness.

All right, ladies, I think
we should be going.

There's enough
people here already,

and it looks like high school,
everybody sitting around,

waiting to see
what he looks like.

Charlene, I am not
waiting to see anyone.

I'm dropping off a shawl.

All right, okay, let's go.

I was just here to help
out with the introductions,

but if Mary Jo thinks
she can handle it alone...

You have a wonderful time. Mmhh!

All right.

And you look wonderful, Mary Jo,

and, now, just remember...

You're not nearly as frumpy
and mousy and ordinary

as you might think.

Thank you.

Here is a quarter

for the pay phone, Mary Jo.

Mother always used to
give Suzanne and me a dime

to call home in case
somebody got too fresh.

[chuckles]

I don't think Suzanne
ever used hers.

She eventually used the
money to go to Europe.

That's funny, Julia.

I'll hang onto it.

Break a leg.

Get outta here.

♪♪ [show theme]

So.

You're J.D. Shackleford.

Well, Mr. Shackleford...

you have certainly got yourself

a handful of woman tonight.

And we are gonna rock and roll

and lose control
because you are man

and I am woman!

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ Say it again ♪

And I'll say "Amen."

♪♪ [exit segue]

Well, you are parked
on the no-parking side,

and the sweeper
should be by any minute.

That's okay. I like to
live close to the edge.

Okay, but I think they're
gonna notice a DeLorean.

You don't like my car, do you?

No, no, it's great.

I just kept getting my purse
caught on the gull wing.

[chuckles] Yeah. Well, I
sure do like the way it handles.

Boy, you know it clocks out at
60 miles an hour in 6 seconds?

And to me, that is almost
as good as having sex.

- [chuckles] I know what you mean.
- Yeah.

That was a great... great
little dinner we had, wasn't it?

Yeah. Except the Burgundy tasted

like it hadn't quite
breathed enough.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I hate that

when you feel like the
Burgundy can't get its breath.

[both chuckle]

J.D. Shackleford. What
is that J.D. stand for?

James Dean.

Named for a movie star, huh?

Uh, no. No, the
pork sausage guy.

See, my... my mom
likes his singing.

Uh, would you do me a favor?

Uh, would you
mind... Would you mind

stepping outta your clothes?
Just for a few minutes.

I just want to, uh, put
my hands right there.

And then there's just one
other little thing I want to try,

and then you can get right
back in your clothes again.

I just want to get to
know you a little bit better.

Me? Don't be ridiculous.

There's nothing else
to know about me.

I want to know more about you.

Ooh! Oh, okay. Then
I'll step outta my clothes.

Come here, honey,
all right? Mmm...

[J.D.] Mmm...

Look... J.D...

I'm sure this kind of thing
happens to you all the time,

but I'm a little rusty.

In truth, I am
completely corroded.

I am also the mother

of two children who happen to be

with their father tonight,
but they live with me,

and I don't spend a lot of
time in fancy French restaurants

worrying about whether the
wine has emphysema or not.

But I really like you,

and... I would love to
go out with you again,

but, frankly, it took
all the courage I had

just for the kiss...

much less anything else.

I hope you understand.

Sure, I do. I
understand perfectly.

I am so relieved.

Good-bye, Mary Jo.

♪♪ [theme]

Julia. I think the
new auditor's here.

He's coming up the
walk, and he looks grim.

He's gotta be a Fed.

[Julia] Okay, I'll be right out.

Oh, this is gonna be
a complete disaster.

I don't think I can
stand to watch.

Hello. I'm Ray Don
Simpson from the IRS.

I have an appointment
with Julia Sugarbaker.

Oh, yes. Come right in.
She'll just be a second.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

Suzanne, this guy
look familiar to you?

No.

I just know I've seen
him somewhere before.

[gasps]

What's the matter?

I just remembered who
he is. I gotta tell Julia.

Hello. How are you?
I'm Julia Sugarbaker.

Ray Don Simpson.

Nice place you have here.

Thank you. Please sit down.

I do appreciate your coming.

I wanted you to see that
my business is in my home.

- Julia, I gotta talk to you.
- Not now, Charlene.

Can't you see I'm
talking to Mr. Simpson?

- May I get you
a cup of coffee?
- Oh, no, thanks.

- Tea?
- No.

We're not allowed
to drink on the job.

Well, then, is there anyone here

you'd care to have sex with?

Julia!

Just a little joke.

A sense of humor. I like that.

You know, you
look awfully familiar.

Have we ever met before?

No, I don't think so. I'm
sure I'd remember you.

Julia, I gotta talk to you now!

Would you excuse
me for just a minute?

You know the
decorating business.

The people are so high-strung.

Go right ahead.

Charlene, what
has gotten into you?

- Don't you know
who that is out there?
- Mr. Simpson.

Not just Mr. Simpson.
Ray Don Simpson.

- Doesn't that name and face
ring a bell?
- No.

Don't you remember?

One time we were sitting in
Tokyo Gardens waiting on Suzanne,

and he tried to pick up
you, me and Mary Jo.

He came over to the
table and you proceeded

to annihilate him in front of
everyone. Don't you remember?

He tried to introduce
himself, and you said,

"Oh, there's no need for
introductions, Ray Don.

"We know who you are.

"You're the guy who's always
wherever women gather or try to be alone.

"You want to eat
with us in hotels,

"keep us company on the plane."

And then you said,

"On behalf of all the
women of the world,

"I want to thank you, Ray Don."

I said that?

And he just kind of tucked his
little tail between his little legs

and crawled back
to his little table.

This is that man?

I mean, you killed him, Julia,

and now we're all gonna die.

This is what you get, Julia,

for always going around
acting like the Terminator.

At least he hasn't
recognized me yet.

No, but it's just
a matter of time.

I swear, Julia, he's this
much away from remembering.

- What are we gonna do?
- Just go out there

and try not to look him head-on,
and you do the same. Come on.

I've got to get back out there.

Mary Jo, what are
you doing here?

Well, I work here, remember?

I'm just sitting here
with Mr. Simpson,

and we are trying to figure out

where we know each other from.

Well, that's about
enough of that.

Don't you know how unprofessional
it is to leave your desk?

And look at you. You haven't
sharpened your pencils yet.

This overhead
lighting is so bright.

Why don't we go upstairs
to my private office

and go over some
of these figures?

All right.

I may as well tell you now.

I'm not a well person.

It's my eyes.

You see, they're allergic
to all artificial light.

I'll be fine as
long as it's dark.

Would somebody please
tell me what is going on?

Later. First we want
to hear about your date.

You look rested. It can't
have been that good.

Well, it wasn't.

I mean, it was for a while,

but then he wanted me
to make a commitment.

He asked you to marry him?

No, he wanted me to commit

to having my lips on
his for a couple of hours.

I just didn't feel like it.

I know, call me old-fashioned.

But I just think it's impolite

for somebody you just met

to put their tongue
down your throat.

For me, French
kissing is more personal

than what you have
to do to have children.

And I have no idea
why I'm telling you this,

because it's absolutely
none of your business.

Oh, yes, it is. I'm the
one who fixed you up.

I deserve to know the details.

Well, there aren't any details,

and there aren't gonna be
any, because he left mad,

and I'm sure I'll never
hear from him again.

Hello? Mary Jo?

J.D.

Uh, can I come in?

Sure. It's a place of
business. Come on in.

What do you need?

A llama throw for your
king-size water bed?

No, I just came
by to talk to you.

Hi, J.D.

Hi, Suzanne.

Do you mind?

Listen, I just want to...

I just want to say I'm
sorry about last night.

I was a major jackass, and I
want to be the first to admit it.

Hey, it's not your fault.

You're... You're
just a fast lane guy,

and I'm a bumper car woman.

Oh, no, no, no.

Now wait a minute.
That is not true.

I am not a fast lane guy.

I drive an eight-year-old
station wagon

with a baby seat in the back.

A ba... You have children?

Three.

Suzanne didn't mention that.

Well, Suzanne doesn't
relate to children.

She probably thought
they were very tiny adults.

Cute.

And the DeLorean?

Borrowed from Tramble Jennings.

Boy, I hate those gull wings.

Anyway, anyway, I was
trying to be something I'm not,

and that includes trying
to put the moves on you

before you were ready,
and I just want to apologize.

It's kind of hard
being divorced, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's kind of like your horse got
knocked off the merry-go-round.

Everybody's running
around screaming,

"You gotta get back on.
You gotta get back on."

Yeah, I'm pretty sick of advice.

You know, actually,
I just like to relax,

go to a movie, get a pizza.

That sounds wonderful.

Do you want to try it
again this weekend?

I'd love that.

I'll call you.

Oh, uh, I brought
you a little present,

courtesy of the Atlanta Braves.

[laughs] Thank you.

Oh, listen, when I
come by to pick you up,

would you mind
doing that little bit

in front of the mirror again?

Get out of here before
I French kiss you.

[laughs]

Mary Jo, he's
absolutely adorable.

I know, I know.

So, Mr. Simpson...

I can't tell you

what a pleasure it's
been working with you.

Well, I think everything
is in such good shape,

that there's a good chance

we'll be able to throw
out the entire audit.

Oh, won't that be wonderful?

I just can't tell you

how I appreciate your handling
of everything, Mr. Simpson.

Oh, please, call me Ray Don.

I know I know you
from somewhere.

Oh, I wouldn't
spend any time on it.

I have one of those faces.

Right.

Anyway, I want
to thank you again

for keeping such good records.

Don't mention it.

And I want to
thank you, Ray Don.

Now I know where
I've seen you before!