Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 4 - Julia's Son - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Charlene, look at all this.

There's enough saccharin
in here to kill a rat patrol.

I know. I just can't decide

whether I'd rather
be fat or sterile.

Julia, you sure are going
to an awful lot of trouble

just 'cause Payne's bringing
a girl home from college.

Well, I'm the one who
insisted that he bring her,

so I want to have
everything perfect.

What I want to know is how
come you're so interested

in meeting this girl. Payne's
had girlfriends before.



Right. You're acting awful
tight-lipped about this.

What's going on?
Somebody pregnant?

You know, Suzanne,
sometimes you can be so crass.

There is nothing going on.

I just think Payne seems a
little more serious this time.

I mean, they're
together day and night.

Well, maybe not night.

Right. If I were you, Julia,

I'd just be glad he's
interested in women at all.

And just what is that
supposed to mean?

Well, you know how
overbearing you can be.

I was always worried,
him being an only child

and you being his mother.

He could quite easily have
grown up to be a homosexual.



Suzanne, why don't
you go in the storeroom

and see if you can't find something
sharp to impale yourself on?

I was just making
an observation.

Also, it doesn't help that
Payne is a homosexual name.

Payne happens to be the name

of our maternal
great-grandfather.

Suzanne, where
do you get this stuff?

There is no such thing
as a homosexual name.

How can you guys be in
the decorating business

and not notice these things?

Payne is most certainly
a homosexual name.

So are Daryl, Wade,
Tommy, Peter, and Dennis.

Oh. What are the
heterosexual names?

Chester and Ralph.

I can't stand it, I can't
stand it, I can't stand it.

Julia, you don't actually mind

Payne having a
girlfriend, do you?

I mean, after all,
he is in college.

Of course I don't mind. I
just want to have a look at her.

I know he's 19 years old,

but as far as I'm
concerned, he's still a baby.

- No, he's not.
- Not what?

A baby.

I mean, look at Jerry Lee Lewis.

He married his cousin at 13.

You're right, Charlene.

I don't know why,

before taking a major life step,

I sometimes forget
to stop and ask myself,

Julia, wait a minute.

Is this something Jerry
Lee Lewis would do?

Oh, come on, you
know what I mean.

Norville and Dot Frasier
got married at 17 and 15.

Who are Norville
and Dot Frasier?

My parents.

Oh, well, no wonder.

That's a whole different thing.

Your people are like in
"Coal Miner's Daughter."

I mean, everybody gets married

right out of junior high.

How do you know
what my people are like?

Come on, I saw "Deliverance."

Anyway, look at their names.

Norville and Dot? [laughs]

You saying my parents
are homosexuals, too?

Not homosexuals, silly. Hicks.

I can't stand it, I can't
stand it, I can't stand it.

You don't have to blame
me just because you're afraid

of having your baby
stolen by another female.

Well, I know how she feels.

They grow up so
fast. Quint's only five,

but he's getting the facts
of life in kindergarten.

He came home the
other day with this story

some little girl had told him

about how if one person
sees another person naked,

then that person
has to marry them.

Well, it's always
been my policy.

But I know the day will come

when he's gonna want
some other woman

to lay out his clothes for him,

fill up his little wading pool,

put the Froot Loops
in his cereal bowl,

and it's just gonna kill me.

Sometimes I lie awake at night

just thinking about all
the women out there

waiting to get their
hands on our sons.

This is incredible.

I can't believe I'm listening
to the two big feminists

who are always tearing
down double standards.

Women can have
sex and play around,

- do anything men can do.
- That's right.

They just don't want one
of these liberated females

getting hold of their
sons. Right, ladies?

- Right.
- Right.

Someday when y'all have
a son, you will understand.

I mean, look.

I absolutely adore our sex,

but let's face it...
Some of us are scum.

Julia, we're all
getting ready to go.

Is there anything else
we can do to help?

No, thanks. I think
everything is under control.

I changed the bed
in the guest room,

put a ham in the oven.

- What time
they supposed to be here?
- Just any second now.

You know, I was
thinking upstairs.

I'm actually looking
forward to this.

I mean, what if Payne
is serious about this girl?

He's a mature kid,

and I'm sure he would choose

somebody... wonderful.

Yeah, I bet she has long, blonde
hair pulled back in those barrettes,

and a little sweater with a
Ralph Lauren lace collar,

and a plaid pleated skirt,

and maybe knee socks
with a pattern up the side,

and an A D Phi sorority pin,
and maybe saddle shoes...

All right, Charlene.

I get the picture.

Anybody home?

Get in here!

I was starting to get
worried about you.

You should know
better than to do that.

Mary Jo, how you doing?

I'm great. Don't
you look handsome?

Charlene, how are you?

Oh, doesn't he, though?

Look at this. His
hair's getting so long.

I like the way you got it
cut. You like that, Julia?

Come on, girls, he's my
nephew. Get your hands off.

I want my hug.

Hello. I'm Primrose Horton.

You must be Payne's mother.

Hello.

You must be Payne's
girlfriend's mother.

No, I'm Payne's girlfriend.

I don't have any children.

I see.

So... you decided to steal mine.

Mother.

Payne told me you have a
wonderful sense of humor.

Yes, and I'm
afraid he's testing it.

Okay, I give up.
What's the joke?

There is no joke, Mother.

Primmy is my girl.

I see. Well.

Well, what do you
know about that?

[laughs]

Here, let me take your coat.

I want you to be very
comfortable in here,

and to remember my
house is your house.

Thank you.

Payne, darling, why don't you
take the bags up to our room?

Over my dead body.

Okay, Mother, why don't we
just get straight to the point?

You don't like her, do you?

- What makes you say that?
- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because every time she
tried talking to you during dinner,

you fell to your hands and
knees and started coughing.

And by the way,

you do not look attractive
smoking Dad's pipe.

It was just something
I've been wanting to try.

Anyway, Payne,

you know I'm not
about to let you

sleep with someone
you're not married to

while you're under my roof.

Look, that was out of the blue.

I didn't know Primmy
was gonna suggest that.

She happens to
be very liberated.

Darling, I'm afraid
you have liberated

confused with uncouth.

What could you possibly
have against her? Is it her age?

Well, she is a little
long in the tooth.

She's 34.

Maybe in dog years.

Oh, nice talk.

I just cannot believe

that you really
thought I wouldn't mind

your being involved
with somebody this old.

Mother, you seem to forget

that you're not the one who's
having the relationship here.

I am, and Primmy happens
to be teaching me a lot.

About what?

About... life.

About everything.

Is it against some law

for a professor to be
dating her own student?

I'm not in Primmy's class.

Anyway, I happen to
know somebody else

who dated a much older woman.

Said it put him in good
stead for the rest of his life.

Who?

Dad.

It was long before
he met you, though.

I don't believe that.

He never told me that.

Well, he didn't
tell you everything.

- We had a lot of good talks.
- Such as?

Such as, he said,

"Son, if you can find
someone who could give you

"half the sex life your
mother and I have had,

"then you're in for one
of the finest things in life."

Well... he shouldn't
have told you that.

Well, he did.

What else did he say?

He said, "Just don't get

"all your ideas about men
and women from your mother,

"or you'll be
completely fouled up."

Sounds more like him.

♪♪ [radio playing]

You know, Payne,
sometimes late at night,

I put on your daddy's old tapes.

I miss him so much,

I think I can't make it
through another day.

I know, Mother, I miss him, too.

I'm so glad I can
see him in your face.

Times like this, I always
wonder what he'd want me to do.

I think he'd want
you to lay off.

Then I remember
his dying words...

"Don't let Payne
marry an old woman."

I don't think so, Mother.

Well, it was worth a try.

Can you believe
that Primrose person?

"Payne, darling, would you
take the bags up to our room?"

Boy, I bet some feathers
flew over here last night.

I wish I could've
been a fly on the wall.

Suzanne, I'm glad you're getting

such a kick out of this.

As Payne's aunt,

I would think you might
be a little more concerned.

If I were you, I wouldn't
make a big deal out of this.

Well, you're not me, Suzanne.

And furthermore, I
would not be interested

in advice on raising children

from a person who returned
a poodle to a pet store

because it wouldn't do
the cha cha on its hind legs.

Where's your houseguest?

Upstairs taking
her morning bath.

It's not just a bath.

It's her "morning" bath.

She is so dramatic.
You know the type.

Julia.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry to disturb you.

I was wondering if you might
have some lavender for my bath.

No, but I've got some
20 Mule Team borax.

So you don't have any lavender?

Gee, I'm so sorry.
I ran out last night.

You know, I was
gonna get out of bed

and run down to
the 7-11 to get some,

but then I thought,
oh, why not just risk it?

I'll make do.

You don't have to be
so openly hostile, Julia.

Well, I can't help it.

She gets on my nerves.

And she snores.

I went into her room last
night to take her a blanket,

and she was sawing
lumber like you can't believe.

Well, maybe she
still has her adenoid.

Oh, no.

This was snoring
like old people do.

I don't know, it might even
have been a death rattle.

Wishful thinking.

Oh, get serious, Julia.
She's certainly not over 40.

41.

How do you know that?

I looked at her
driver's license.

She told the truth on
her driver's license?

Yes. Height, weight, everything.

She's not only
old, she's stupid.

Well, what's the
matter with that?

I give my correct age and
weight on my driver's license.

It's the law.

That's true.

She still has all the little
tags on her pillows, too.

Anyway, Julia,

maybe this Primmy
Whatever-her-Name-Is

isn't exactly what
you had in mind,

but I mean, maybe you
should give her a chance.

I just don't understand

why all of you are
acting as if this is nothing.

I mean, Charlene,

you have ranted
and raved for weeks

about how they brought
Bobby Ewing back.

But let my son bring
home Grandma Moses,

and you could care less.

Now, Julia, you
know that's not true.

I'm on your side.

[Primmy] Hello again.

I decided to forego the bath.

It's just not the same.

Hope you don't
mind if I join you.

Payne is still sleeping.

I guess those midterm
exams just did him in.

Anyway, I can't do
my hair until he gets up.

He loves to braid it for me.

Oh, my, isn't that courteous?

Tell me, how do you like our
little business here, Prissy?

It's Primmy.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

You know, I keep having
so much trouble with that.

How about if I just
call you "Hey, you"?

[laughing]

I guess you don't get
my sense of humor.

On the contrary, I think I do.

Primmy, could I get
you a cup of coffee?

Oh, that would be delicious.

Maybe with just a touch
of anisette, if you have any.

No.

I've got a couple of sticks
of licorice in my purse.

Tell me. I'm just dying to know.

How did you and Payne meet?

Well, actually, it's
an incredible story.

I happen to be a
huge fan of Lord Byron.

Even if I'm teaching
the Elizabethan period

and it has absolutely
no relevance,

I will just force him in there.

Well, that is an
incredible story.

- Now I think we should
all get to work.
- I wasn't finished.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Forgive me. Do go on.

Where was I?

Forcing Lord Byron.

Oh, yes.

Anyway, I'm walking
across campus one day

with a close personal friend,

and suddenly I see
this beautiful young man

coming toward us,

the sun illuminating his
hair like golden fleece.

And just as I get
a fleeting glimpse

of his Romanesque profile,

it hits me like a thunderbolt

that this could be
Byron reincarnated.

I introduced myself,

only to discover
his name is... Payne.

Ooh, what a magnificent name.

It must have been in
your family for generations.

Actually, I named him Payne

because I was in labor
for two and a half days.

To me, Payne looks
like just any other kid

in cutoffs and sneakers.

"A knave so golden,
"His hyacinth beauty

"Lays low the oxen's burden.

"He stepped from the
tarnished runes of a Grecian urn

"And laid his bounty
upon my grateful breast."

I think that's Payne to a T.

What do you think, Julia?

I think you're full of crap.

Well, you held it in
as long as you could.

Primmy's just finishing packing.

I thought I'd say good-bye.

Well, darling,

I suppose I loused things up.

I just want you to know I'm
really gonna try to do better.

Oh, Mother, don't
repress yourself too much.

I don't want you to have
a stroke or anything.

Payne, I'm sorry if you think
I get in your life too much.

It's a sickness I caught
when you were born.

You know, you're the first
thing that ever intimidated me.

I didn't know
anything about babies,

certainly not about boys.

And I still remember
everybody watching

through that hospital
nursery window

while I stood there

with your little
sweater and booties

in my hands, praying,

"Dear God, please let me
get these shoes on right,

"or they'll never let me
take him home with me."

Now you're grown.

And my head never
touches the pillow at night

that I don't say,
"Thank you, God,

"for giving me this
most wonderful son."

[kisses]

Mother, you're killing me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Payne, darling, everything
can go down now.

Do you mind if I have a
word with your mother alone?

Haven't you two had enough?

- Payne, please.
- All right, all right. I'll be downstairs.

[Primmy] Look, you've
made it more than apparent

how you feel about me.

Now I'd like you to know
how I feel about you.

All right.

I think you're pompous,

insufferable, narrow-minded,

and overbearing.

You are also the
worst kind of mother,

clinging and manipulative.

And I'm warning you, if
you push me too hard,

I'll fix it so you
don't see him at all.

Are you finished?

No. Not quite.

My age seems to be
of great concern to you.

Frankly, I'm much more
concerned right now

about a telephone
call I made this morning

to a friend of mine who
teaches at the university.

According to her,

you have yourself one of
these little flings every fall,

and it's always with
somebody about 20 years old.

Maybe you have a little problem.

I don't have a problem.
I'm having a wonderful time.

Well, I think he
might be taking this

just a little bit more
seriously than you are.

And you have
another think coming

if you think that I am
going to stand idly by

while you use my son

for your temporary enjoyment.

Oh, just exactly
what do you mean?

I mean,

we're going to take
this to the woodshed

and one of us

is not going to come back alive.

It's all right, Mother.

I know all about
Primmy's fall flings.

- You do?
- Sure.

It's the stuff campus
legends are made of.

I just wanted to
check it out for myself.

Payne.

Payne, are you denying
our feelings for each other?

No, I'm just saying

that there are two people
in this room who love me,

and one of them isn't you.

Now let's give old Payne a
little credit for knowing that.

Well, I for one
think you should...

Be quiet, Mother. I'm
not finished with Primmy.

You called my mother
overbearing. Maybe.

Clinging, no.

She's always kicked
my butt to be independent

and to think for myself.

Otherwise, I
wouldn't be going out

with a 41-year-old woman.

In fact, you should
thank my mother

for making all of this possible.

Just one more thing.

I believe you mentioned to her

that you might arrange it
that she doesn't see me again.

Get this straight.

Nobody comes between
me and my family,

not now, not ever.

You seem to be
making a choice here.

Maybe I'll just
catch the bus back.

Well, then you'll be
making that choice.

I'm just telling you how it is.

Oh. Well.

Since you put it that way.

Then I'll wait for
you in the car.

Why don't you do that?

Don't be too long.

You know something?

I'm awfully proud of you.

I love you, Mother.

Better get going.

Shame you can't stay longer.
You all send us a postcard.

Right. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.

Drop us a line if you find
somebody your own age.

[laughter]

You are so strong, so in charge.

I love the way

that one little vein pops
out on your neck like that.

It's just like your father.

Okay, Mother, I'll call
you later in the week.

- Good-bye.
- Bye.

This is just like the
ending in a "Love Boat."

I feel like Captain Stubing
sending everybody off.

Okay, girls, let's
hug him to death.

We gotta make it
last till next time.

I can't believe

our baby boy's
going back to college.

Good-bye. Don't you
let her work you too hard.

- Oh, we won't.
- Just a minute, mister.

- Before you go,
just tell me one thing.
- What's that?

How'd you find out she was 41?

I looked on her
driver's license.

That's my boy.