Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - A Big Affair - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Now, Walter, I'm sorry
your fraternity slave week

didn't net any money, but
I can kind of understand

some of the Black guys
not wanting to participate.

The fact is you
and your brothers

still owe us for
three Herculon sofas.

Oh, come on. How can
I make you guys a loan?

I'm the office manager.

Well, anyway, even if I did,

I expect to be paid
back in 30 days.

Oh, all right. All right.



I don't know why I'm doing this

except you remind
me of my baby brother.

He's also incorrigible
and lives in filth.

All right, 30 days, Walter.

I'm going way
out on a limb here.

Don't you let me
down. Okay. Bye-bye.

Charlene, did you call
those fraternity boys yet?

Yeah, I hated doing it.

You know they're the
poorest fraternity on campus?

They're the guys all the
other houses rejected.

Yeah. Everybody
else has got those

Gone With the Wind columns.

They got split-level.
It'll break your heart.

Not paying their bill
will break my heart.



Well, that's because
you haven't been out there

like Charlene and me.

They're kind of a combination

of foreign exchange students
and the guys in high school

who were always
president of the science club.

Nobody is ever going
to go out with them,

but that doesn't keep
them from wearing

their little Bruce
Springsteen t-shirts,

drinking beer, and screaming
"Raise hell" all day long.

I maintain that if they're
old enough to order furniture,

they're old
enough to pay for it.

Oh, not necessarily.

I remember when I was eight.

I got out the Montgomery
Ward catalogue.

I ordered my parents a
complete new dinette set,

a miniature ping-pong
table, and a tool shed.

Boy, were they mad.

Charlene, that is so unlike you.

You've always been
such a responsible person.

To this day, I still can't
figure out why I did it.

Maybe it was this kid who
sat next to me in second grade.

He just kind of toyed
with me all the time.

I never knew where I stood.

Finally, I just went crazy.

And that's when you
ordered the dinette set?

Uh-huh.

I can understand that.

Sometimes it frightens me

that you two have
found each other.

[sighs]

I have just had one of the
worst mornings of my life.

First, I pull into one of those

self-serves gas deals.

But I don't know how to stick

that little
thingamajig in there.

Fortunately, there
was this housewife

with a van full
of screaming kids

who agreed to do it for me.

So as I'm leaving,
I give her a quarter.

And what does she give me?

The bird.

Can you believe it?

And to top it
all off, I find out

my cleaning lady's
not coming in today.

Incredible story.

Let us never criticize
until we have walked a mile

in those pumps.

What's the matter Flora?

Oh, I don't know.

She's hemorrhaging or something.

And here I am,
planning a dinner party

for all of us Friday night.

No, no. Please, I beg of you.

Not another one.

You are incapable
of hiring decent help.

Is that so?

Well, for your information,
I have just employed

a fulltime housekeeper
through a local agency.

As a matter of fact,
she's arriving today,

and I'm told she's a
perfectly lovely woman.

Where is she arriving from?

Well, I don't know.

One of those little countries

where they're
always having trouble.

She would've been here sooner,

but they had an outbreak
of something on the boat,

and now all of her
animals are in quarantine.

And you believe that?

That is the oldest
excuse in the world.

Charlene, my guest of honor
is this wonderful man I met

at a charity benefit last night.

His name is Mason Dodd,
as in Mason Dodd Imports?

Yeah?

His family's just
rich, rich, rich.

Well, he went out and made
another fortune on his own,

and the best part is
I've got him interested

in giving us merchandise
on consignment,

plus anything we
want for ourselves

at 25% off wholesale.

I'm talking Baccarat crystal
and the best Chinese porcelain.

So? I collect thimbles.

Why are you getting in my face?

Well, because you're
going to be Mason's date.

Oh, no. Just a minute.

If he's so wonderful, you'd
be going out with him yourself.

Well, he didn't ask me.

As my first husband, Dash
Goff the writer, used to say,

"There are some
mountains so majestic

even brave men
dare not approach."

He was also the one
who drank, wasn't he?

No. I'm sorry. There's
something fishy here.

Besides, I've been
fixed up before.

It never works.

Ladies, hope I'm
not interrupting.

Mason Dodd, you
sweet man, get in here.

You're so wonderful to
come all this way just for me.

Well, I felt I had to after
you threatened to kill yourself.

Uh, I-I asked Mason
to come and take a look

at our inventory so
he can get an idea

the kind of
merchandise we carry.

And of course
he's going to let us

order things for ourselves, too.

Uh, Mason, that's
my sister Julia,

that's Mary Jo,
and this is Charlene.

Hi. There's a rumor going
around that Suzanne's

going to force you to
have dinner with me.

Oh, well, she did
mention something.

I can tell by the
look on your face

she forgot to mention my height.

What's wrong with your height?

It's too low for my width.

Come on, don't tell
me you didn't notice.

No, I noticed.

Well, I, for one, think you two

are absolutely perfect together.

Mason, why don't
you take her to lunch

and get to know her better?

Oh, it's a great idea, Suzanne.

Why don't you ask her for me?

I don't know.

Um, I-I'm pretty
tied up this week.

Well, now, whatever
you have, I'll cover.

How about tomorrow?

You don't have
anything tomorrow.

I don't? That's right, I don't.

Thank you, Suzanne.
I'll return this favor.

Say 12:30, Gallagher's.

Look, Charlene, here's my card.

If something comes up
and you can't make it,

just give me a call.

Mr. Dodd, I know the inventory
so much better than Suzanne.

Don't you want to let me
show you the back room?

Why don't you do that? And
that'll give them a chance to talk.

- Suzanne!
- Suzanne!

Okay, okay. He's
a little overweight.

He showed up before I
had a chance to mention it.

A little overweight?

This man could be
used for public housing!

I mean, is this what
you think of me?

This is who I'd be perfect for?

Okay, I made a mistake.

Well, the truth is I
know I'm too superficial

to go out with
someone like that.

But I always thought that you
had the depth and sensitivity

to appreciate a man for
what he is inside, his soul.

Actually, Charlene's never
been all that big on souls.

Well, I'm going
to keep his card.

I'll call him later and cancel.
I don't want to do it now.

It's too soon. I might
hurt his feelings.

- What?
- His card.

It says, "Help!
Please call police.

I've been swallowed
by a fat guy."

Well, I... I guess I
could have lunch.

I mean, it's not like dinner.

It'll be just once.

And that's absolutely it.

Hello?

Is this Alpha Tau Epsilon?

Walter Newkirk, please.

Walter.

Mary Jo over at Sugarbakers'.

Look, not a good move
leaving the couches

in the alley behind the store.

No. You see, our
basic policy is, Walter,

that once something
has been thrown up on,

you can't return it.

Look, Walter, I can't
really talk right now,

but I'm sending a
little money along,

and I want you to use
this money as a payment

on these sofas.

Now this is just a loan
between you and me,

and I expect to be paid back

right after you have
winter carnival, okay?

Okay!

And that check better be
over here next week or else.

And now here is
Julia Sugarbaker,

who would also
like a word with you.

Don't be too rough
on them, Julia.

They're just kids.

I know, I know.

I have a son in college.

Hello, Newkirk. Julia
Sugarbaker here.

Basically, we're upset because
you boys returned these sofas to us

which, if I may speak candidly,

are not fit to
grow penicillin on.

And while it is not my
business to speculate

on what heinous acts
they've been subjected to,

I'm sure it was far worse
than anything Samsonite

ever had to endure.

That, however, shall remain
between you and your chaplain.

The bottom line is I
expect payment in full

within ten days.

Well, your parents should have
taught you more responsibility.

- [whispering] Julia.
- What?

Walter's parents were
killed in a car accident.

I know other orphans,

and they still managed
to pay their bills.

Walter's saving for
his brother's prosthesis.

Would you excuse us
a minute, Mr. Newkirk?

There are other boys in
this fraternity, are there not?

Yes.

Three from Ethiopia.

Mary Jo, I'd like to finish
this conversation in private.

Could you please
wait in the storeroom?

Yes, I'd like to go.

Just call me when
you're through.

Hello, Mr. Newkirk?

There's been a slight
change in plan here.

A late-breaking
bulletin, as it were.

I've decided to
divide your payment

into four installments.

Now, I am going to make
you a loan for the first one,

with interest.

Then you will send your
payment to Charlene.

Now, this will be
our little secret.

Oh, you boys are
having a carnival.

You know, in my day,

we found the big money-maker
was a kissing booth.

I see. I didn't realize
kissing was passé.

No, I don't think
that kind of booth

would be appropriate.

Never mind. Good-bye, Walter.

Mary Jo, you can come out now.

I know you think I'm heartless,

but sometimes in business
you just have to be.

Anyway, I think we'll be
seeing a check next week.

Good.

You know, it's crazy, but
I have the same feeling.

Hi.

Well, we certainly had ourselves

another long lunch
today, didn't we?

A long lunch is the only
kind you have with Mason.

Anyway, we went to
Stromfelder's. They take forever.

Oh, I can't eat there.

Something about those desserts

going around in
that glass case...

Revolving food
just makes me sick.

You know, the
more I'm with Mason,

the more things
I love about him.

I mean, I don't think anybody's
ever made me laugh so much,

except maybe you.

I mean, it just makes me mad

that some people
can't get past the fact

that he's, you know... Fat?

Yeah, and, uh, I
guess I'm just glad

- I'm not one of those people.
- Yeah.

To think a week ago, I
didn't even know him.

Now I'm just the
happiest I've ever been.

Charlene, I just think you're
being too hard on yourself.

You can't help the way you feel.

Yeah, but Mason deserves
to be with someone

who's not embarrassed by him.

Anyway, I'm beginning
to like him too much.

I mean, I could get serious,

and I don't know if
I could handle that.

Does Mason know
you're embarrassed?

He's beginning to sense it.

When we go out, I do everything
short of wearing a ski mask.

I mean, come on.

How'd you like to always
be known in restaurants

as a party of six?

It's awful. People stare.

You can feel them sort of
tense up and guard their food.

Well, it seems to me
that the main thing is

that you're just
not attracted to him.

That's the crazy part. I am.

I just can't get to him.

I mean, I can't even get my...

I can't begin to think how...

I mean, it'd be like...

I'm getting a picture,

but I can't find you in it.

Have either of you
ever... [both] No.

I did ride an elephant
once at the Kenya Club.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I just...

It just popped into my mind.

I mean, it's not like he
saw me off at the airport.

The bottom line is,
it's just not gonna work,

and I have to tell Mason.

Hello, ladies.

I just stopped by on my
way home from the market

to make sure we're
still on for dinner.

You went to the market?
What's happened to your maid?

Oh, Consuela's home cooking.

And for your information,
she's gonna work out fine.

She does have a couple
of little idiosyncrasies.

Actually, it's kind of cute.

She just learned
how to say "boo."

It seems they don't have
the "boo" word in her country,

so every time I
walk into a room,

there she is, crouched
behind the door, yelling it.

Well, actually,
screaming is more like it.

I guess it is getting on
my nerves just a little.

Suzanne, I'm sorry.

I don't think I'm gonna
be able to come tonight.

Well, of course you're coming.

You're Mason's date,
and he's the guest of honor.

Suzanne, Charlene has
decided to break off with Mason.

And I don't think she has
to keep a date with him

just so you can get
yourself service for 40

in Baccarat crystal.

Exactly what are
you trying to say?

Well, I think what
she's trying to say

is that you're sort of an
interior decorating pimp.

Well, that's just the most
insulting thing I've ever heard.

Oh, Charlene, please
don't let me down tonight.

You don't know the
trouble I've gone to.

Oh, all right, I'll come.

But afterwards, Mason and
I have got to be alone to talk.

No problem. And
you won't be sorry.

This evening's just
going to be wonderful.

Consuela's brother is
a gourmet meat-packer,

and he's slaughtering
something special for us.

I can't put my finger on it,

but something about
this doesn't bode well.

Well, I'll tell you
what I resent

is how the TV and movies
always show Southerners

to be so stupid.

And have you noticed?

The women are always
these oversexed loons,

sitting around in a satin
slip and no air conditioning.

That reminds me of that story
about the Southern woman

who goes to this real la-dee-dah
cocktail party in New York City.

She turns to a Northern
woman and she says,

"Where y'all from?"

The Northern woman
looks at her and says,

"We're from where we
don't end our sentences

"with a preposition."

So the Southern woman
looks at her and says,

"Oh. Well, then,
where y'all from,

"Bitch?"

You, uh, you didn't
think that was funny?

No, sure I did.

It's just that fat people
are always so jolly,

it's hard to tell
when we're laughing.

I don't know, but
there's something

about being from the
South that is different.

Someone was asking
me just the other day,

"Suzanne, what
do you suppose it is

"that makes Southerners
so splendidly unique?"

Oh, come on, who
was asking that?

I don't know, Julia,
but someone was.

Julia, Suzanne tells me

you were a Tri
Delt at Chapel Hill.

- Maybe you knew my sister.
- I doubt it.

I was kicked out for not
wearing a girdle on campus.

Oh, you're kidding. So was I.

Well, I think I'll just
go check and see

what's holding up
the main course.

Excuse me.

[Consuela] Boo! [glass shatters]

[Suzanne] Consuela,
you've got to stop that!

[Consuela laughs] I
scare you! I scare you!

[Suzanne] That's my blouse.

[Consuela] Get your
filthy hands off me.

I think I have some
Chiclets in here

if anybody would care for one.

Well, it's 9:15. I'm gonna
have to call my babysitter.

Good idea. Maybe she
can bring some food over.

It's just going to be
a few more minutes.

Consuela's taking the thermometer
out of the lamb right now.

Well, I certainly hope
he hasn't caught a fever.

Julia, I'm doing the best I can.

She threatened me with a knife.

It was just a little
knife, but still.

More gazpacho, anyone?

I'll have some.

Oh, you don't have a bowl.

Oh, this one's fine.

At home I just use a trough.

- Mason.
- I'm sorry, Charlene.

I forgot you don't
like trough jokes.

But I feel they
lighten the mood,

especially when
the food runs out.

People get around a guy like me,

they get nervous
I might eat them.

I guess you're mad
'cause I called you in here,

and now you're missing dessert.

No, I'm relieved.

For the first time in my
life, I don't want dessert.

You know, I've never seen lamb

with an apple in
its mouth before.

Well, I've never seen anyone

put himself down the way
you do and enjoy it so much.

You like embarrassing
me, don't you?

No.

I guess it's just my way
of sending you a message.

Okay, what's the message?

Send it direct.

I think maybe it'd be best

if we don't see
each other anymore.

Let me get this straight.

You're saying you
think it might be best

if we don't see
each other anymore?

That's what it
sounded like, yeah.

Look, Charlene,
I like you a lot.

But because of my upbringing,

I require certain things I
don't think you could give me.

- Such as?
- Such as, I come from money
and you don't.

It's a gap that's
hard to bridge.

The few times we've been
out with my friends, I've...

- Felt uncomfortable.
- How?

It doesn't matter.

It's a basic difference
in education, lifestyle.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm
sorry I wasn't born

- with a serving spoon
in my mouth.
- Silver spoon.

I know. I was making a joke.

Oh, touché.

Well, it seems like
we've hit a nerve here.

Let me see if I've
got this straight.

You can feel ashamed of me,

but I can't have any feelings
about your inadequacies?

- Is that the way it works?
- How do you know
I'm ashamed of you?

Being fat doesn't
make you dense.

Yeah, well, I'd
just like to know

who you think you
are, breaking up with me

when I didn't want to go
out with you in the first place.

As a matter of fact, I
think you'd get down...

On my hands and
knees and give thanks

that a girl like you would
go out with someone like me?

No.

I didn't mean that.

Charlene, look, I...

I've never been
embarrassed by you, either.

I made that up.

Then why'd you say that?

I just wanted you
to know how it feels.

It hurts, doesn't it?

You don't really think
I'm dumb, do you?

Like a fox.

Don't ask for any
more compliments.

I'm still mad at you, and
it puts a strain on my art.

Oh, Mason.

Truth is, I just adore you.

I think you're sweet
and fun and sexy.

Very sexy.

I do. I know that sounds crazy.

I don't think it sounds crazy.

Sex is all up here,
anyway, you know.

Well, it's not all up there.

[laughter]

Charlene, if it
hurts us this much,

I can lose the weight.

I just don't want it
to be a requirement.

Can you understand that?

I think so.

I'd like a chance to do better.

I'd like a chance to be thinner.

Can you forgive
the feelings I have?

I do all the time...
in my fantasies.

You fantasize about us?

Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

What are we doing?

Well, sometimes you
don't have any clothes on.

And what are you doing?

[doorbell rings]

I don't know. I'm
never looking at me.

Well, I just can't believe this.

I mean, I get
roses all the time,

but usually not after 10:00.

Well, read the card.
Who are they from?

"Here are some red roses
for a sweetheart of a lady.

"You know who you are. Love...

"the men of Alpha Tau Epsilon."

And there's a check.

For the full amount
of the sofas.

How could they
send the full amount?

They haven't even had
their winter carnival yet.

You see, Mary Jo,
it pays to be tough.

♪ If you were the
only girl in the world ♪

Can you believe this?

When I was in college,

this used to happen every night.

But I don't think I recognize
any of these people.

Suzanne, what makes
you think all this is for you?

Well, of course
it's for me, Julia.

Who else would it be for?

♪ We would go on loving
in the same old way ♪

♪ A garden of
Eden made for two ♪