Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Beauty Contest - full transcript
Mary Jo objects to her 12-year-old daughter Claudia entering in a beauty pageant.
♪♪ [theme]
Well, then, can you tell me?
But I thought they were
gonna make a decision...
I see.
Well, maybe it I
call back in a few...
[stammering] Uh...
well, you call me, then...
All right. Thank you very much.
What was that all about?
I don't know.
Did Rudy or Marcel call
about the pink valances?
No. Not yet.
Actually, that was my
cosmetics company.
Charlene, for the life of me,
I cannot understand why you like
selling that stuff on the side.
I mean, it's not like you make
all that much extra money,
and having those little
makeover demonstration parties
in other people's
homes is beyond me.
Well, Julia, that's you.
This is me. I
happen to enjoy it.
Just this morning, I
met a woman at Carl's Jr.
With a pore problem.
Now tonight, I'm gonna go over
to her house and close 'em off.
Something wrong?
Oh, it's nothing.
I just heard today's
date on the car radio.
I thought my birthday
was next week.
Now I find out it's Friday.
Well, I knew this
was gonna happen.
You're depressed about
the big 3-0, aren't you?
No, Julia. I'm not
depressed about the big 3-0.
I'm depressed about the big 2-9.
Suzanne, I don't
want to seem unkind,
but I am your sister, remember?
I know when you were
born, and you're gonna be 30.
I most certainly am not.
If you don't believe
me, ask Mother.
Why would I ask Mother?
She lies about her age, too.
Well, that's pretty strong talk
from someone who throws herself
an alleged 40th
birthday party every year.
[phone rings]
I'll get it.
Sugarbaker's.
Yes, this is she.
Oh, you're kid...
Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, oh, I'm so excited.
Yeah, I'll tell her
right away. Okay.
Thank you very much.
[squeals]
[giggles]
Guess what?
- I don't know.
- Oh, come on. Just guess.
Oh, Charlene, please.
You always do this.
I can't guess. There are
too many possibilities.
Life. Death. Birth. Infinity.
Just tell me.
Oh, all right.
Kemper Cosmetics has been
looking for someone to sponsor
the Miss Pre-Teen
Atlanta Contest
and they just found her.
I should have guessed.
I would have gotten that one.
Oh, Mary Jo.
It's Claudia.
- My Claudia?
- Yes.
Oh, I was gonna
ask your permission,
but I thought, "No.
Let it be a surprise."
So I went ahead and
submitted her picture and her bio.
And they want to sponsor
her. Isn't that fantastic?
Oh, what's the matter?
You aren't excited.
Well, I... I appreciate
the gesture, Charlene,
but I don't believe
in beauty contests.
What do you mean
you don't believe in 'em?
They exist. They're on TV.
I mean, I don't like them.
I feel like they... They...
they exploit people
and they promote the
wrong kind of values.
And it's just not something
I want my daughter
involved with.
But I really appreciate
you thinking about her.
Well, I, for one,
am sick and tired
of everyone always talking about
how beauty pageants
exploit women.
I love every one of my crowns.
And being Miss Georgia World
was the finest
moment of my life.
Nobody had to force me
to walk down the runway
in that swimsuit.
I did it with my head held high.
You had to.
The stays in that
bra were so big
if you looked down you'd
have gouged yourself to death.
Oh, Mary Jo!
I just can't believe
you feel this way.
Well, I am sorry,
but I agree with her.
I especially loathe
those pageants
where the women come
out in their bathing suits
and they plaster those
ratings across the front of them.
That is so degrading.
Isn't that the worst?
It's like some sort of
breast-a-thon at the Olympics.
They'll have this
gorgeous creature come out
with these humongous... And right
superimposed across the front of her body
will be a giant score, like 9.6.
That's out of 10.
Then they'll bring out this
anemic little bird-like creature
who probably plays the
oboe and she'll be there
in her native costume, you know,
with a big grin on her face.
Underneath the
grin it will say, 4.6.
I mean, it is just so painful!
I want to run to my
phone and call her up
and say, "Honey, wipe
that smile off your face,
"and take a look at that monitor
'cause they are making a
complete fool out of you."
I don't think there's anything
wrong with rating them.
Anyway, look at all the
good thing pageants do.
They provide opportunities
and scholarships.
But look at the degradation
that the women have to
go through to get them.
I say it's a lot easier
just to do your homework.
That's right!
And if pageants are
so all-fired wonderful,
why don't they
have them for men?
Why aren't Bob and
Frank and Ted out there
flexing their little
tushies for tuition?
I'll tell you why Bob and
Frank and Ted aren't out there,
because Bob and Frank and
Ted have got better sense.
What are you saying? That
men are smarter than women?
About this they are.
Well, I certainly
don't know any man
who would go on
national television
- and reveal...
- His most vital statistics.
Certainly not for the purpose
of being compared to other men.
Can you imagine the
angst in that auditorium?
I bet they would
shrivel up and die
in the isolation booth.
Well, I think you two are
completely overreacting.
We're talking about
beauty pageants here,
not Playboy Magazine.
- There's a big difference.
- Only in degrees.
The beauty pageants just
throw in these scholarships
to make it look like it's
not a beauty contest.
And Playboy throws
in Jerry Falwell
and the President
of the United States
as an excuse to
show centerfolds.
But it's the same
double standard.
If Hugh Hefner truly thinks
that being publicly
spread eagled
is so fantastic,
how come we haven't
seen his little wahoo
with a staple in the middle?
Is it just me or have
we gotten off track here?
I'm sorry. You're
right, Charlene.
- We're getting carried away.
- I know it.
When I get started,
I just can't stop.
Julia, you're just like Mother.
Remember when Daddy
used to have to take her purse
and hit her in the head?
Those were fun
times, weren't they?
Charlene,
I know you have Claudia's
best interest at heart,
but it's just not something
that I want her to do.
- You understand?
- Yeah, I do.
I just hope Claudia will.
Oh, that's no problem.
I'll just never mention it.
Too late.
- What?
- Well, she's the one
who gave me the pictures.
Why not?
Because it's just not
something that I want you to do.
I just don't see how
it could hurt for me
to be in Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta.
Claudia, a few weeks ago,
you had not even heard
of Miss Pre-Teen Atla...
Quin, is there
something you need?
I need some toilet paper.
I'm changing all the rolls.
Is it just a coincidence that you
always do this right at bedtime?
Do you have any chewing gum?
Not a proper response.
Go to bed.
I'll tuck you in in a minute.
Okay, look, I'll
make a deal with you.
If you let me be in
Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta,
I promise I won't make anything
below a "B" this semester.
And I'll clean my
room every day.
Do you want it that bad?
Yes!
Look, you always say
you'll never get anywhere
if you're not willing
to stick your neck out.
Honey, these beauty
contests are brutal.
I mean, look, I just think that
you are the prettiest, most
special daughter ever born,
but these other contestants,
they're hardcore professionals.
And you are just an amateur.
Look, I've lost
at things before.
- I can take it!
- [sighs]
Okay.
But if I let you do this,
I want you to remember
that these are not our values.
I understand and I promise.
Because a way
that a person looks
is not important.
It's what they are inside.
Everything else
is just superficial.
And certainly not
something that...
we'd want to spend
a lot of time on.
[Male Announcer] And now we
have the names of our five finalists.
One of whom will be
crowned Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta
tomorrow night.
And to read those names
is the current Miss Georgia
World, Margery Lee Winick.
Thank you, Gerald.
Thank you.
As I call the names,
I would like for each
finalist to come on stage.
Number 1... sponsored
by You Tan It Sun Parlors...
And look at that tan...
Mary Lynn McFeders.
Can you believe that? I
thought her nose was a little long.
Number 2... sponsored
by City Light and Water...
Joy Ann Githens.
Oh, please.
[whispers] You can see
her gums when she smiles.
Number 3... sponsored
by Seebas Chicken...
Jennifer Lynn Weeks.
Oh, please. Did you
see the hips on her?
She could haul grain to market.
- Mary Jo!
- I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's
come over me.
Number 4... sponsored by Ed's
Party and Sickroom Supplies...
Nancy Jane Woolbers.
I'm not saying a word.
And finally, Number 5...
Sponsored by Kemper Cosmetics...
Claudia Marie Shively.
- Yes! Yes!
- Aaah! Aaah!
We won! We won!
Claudia's a finalist!
Well, little mother, what do you
think of beauty contests now?
Whoo-hoo!
Only try it again
and see if you can
hold your shoulders
back a little more.
Pretend there's a
board up your spine.
Life is hard enough.
Why would anyone
want to pretend that?
Oh, Julia, please.
If you don't take it seriously,
how can we expect Claudia to?
No, Charlene, Julia's right.
I mean, I think as long
as Claudia's gonna do this,
we ought to keep
it in the spirit of fun
and having a good time.
Well, we certainly can't
use any of these shoes.
- She needs heels.
- Heels?
I don't wear heels yet.
You do now. You need the height.
Trust me, short people
never win a pageant.
I'm not short, I'm average.
I know, sweetheart,
but we want to be
better than average.
Okay, now, turn.
Very slowly. That's it.
And just when you get
your back to the judges,
cock your head to one
side and give them a look.
Like this.
Only don't overdo
it or they'll resent it.
Just a touch of "come hither".
Wait a minute.
"Come hither"?
She's 12 years old.
Don't you think
that's a little strong?
I mean, I think
something like...
"Hello. So nice to
make your acquaintance"
is much more appropriate.
Mary Jo, I haven't won 11 titles
just whistling "Dixie".
Believe me, I know
what I'm talking about.
Okay.
Just don't do it too much.
I just said that.
Okay, just a little bit
more color on the cheeks.
And a little bit
around the eyes.
This is so exciting.
I was all depressed
about my birthday,
but this pageant has just
got my juices flowing again,
like the old days.
And tomorrow night, I'm gonna...
She's gonna take that
auditorium by storm.
Right now, honey,
don't forget to smile.
That's the one thing they
always take off points for.
But not that phony little smile
like Miss City Light and Water.
You know, it's kind of
hard to smile all the time
and mean it.
Smart girl. Better watch out.
They deduct
points for that, too.
That's funny, Aunt Julia.
Thank you, darling.
And as far as I'm concerned,
that smile is good anytime.
What's wrong with Miss
City Light and Water?
I thought she was nice.
It's nothing. I just...
I just thought her
lips looked fake.
I mean, they were puffy.
I think she was on steroids.
- Claudia Shively.
- Here.
You're up next. Are
you almost ready?
She's more than
ready. She's magnificent.
Oh, are you the mother?
Are you kidding?
Margery, I'm Suzanne Sugarbaker,
Miss Georgia World 1976.
I think we met at
this year's pageant.
Oh, yes. I remember you now.
You're the one whose
talent was twirling the baton.
That's right. How'd
you remember that?
'Cause nobody twirls
the baton anymore.
I just thought it
was a hoot. [laughs]
Oh, Charlene, this
is Debbie Hammonds,
- Miss You Tan It's mother.
- Oh, how do you do?
And this is her other
daughter, Stacy Nicole.
She's in the Little Miss
Peach contest down the hall.
You're absolutely adorable.
Can I fix you up one
of these hot dogs?
No, thank you. It
might ruin my lipstick.
Everyone thinks she looks
just like Jessica Lange.
Go ahead, honey, show
'em your Jessica Lange.
- Very nice.
- Oh, my goodness.
Hurry up, Suzanne.
We're gonna miss Claudia.
Hold on. I'm just touching up.
She's right, you know.
Nobody does twirl
the baton anymore.
You know what I am, Julia?
I'm an aging professional
beauty queen.
And turning... 29 tomorrow
has made me admit
for the first time
I have no other talent.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
This is what I spent
my whole life doing.
I know in my heart it's
been a frivolous thing,
but I'm not like you.
You can do anything.
This is all I was born for.
From the time I
was a little girl,
whenever I'd see a tiara,
I'd just start to breathe hard.
And all I could think was,
I want that crown
to be on my head.
I'll never forget walking
down those runways,
the way the roses
felt in my arms,
and the roar of the crowd.
They loved me.
Now it's all over and I...
I just don't know if life can
ever be that good again.
Who was that?
Suzanne Sugarbaker.
- Don't you remember her?
- No.
Miss Georgia World '76?
Oh, yeah, the one
with the big hair.
- And the joke was,
they found Jimmy Hoffa in it.
- That's right!
[laughter]
Oh, do you know she actually
showed up at this year's pageant
and gave a two-hour lecture
on manners, cuss-words,
and how not to cross your legs?
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
Yes. It was so embarrassing.
Then I have another daughter
who looks just like Vanna
White on "Wheel of Fortune."
[both] Uh-huh.
So we stay pretty busy with the
pageant circuit most of the year.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Better get her back.
Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you.
That's amazing, isn't it?
One daughter looks
like Vanna White,
this one looks like Jessica
Lange, so tell me this...
How come she looks
like Lorne Greene?
Exactly! [laughs]
Is it my imagination,
or have we become
two of the nastiest
human beings left on earth?
[laughter]
Maybe we should go back out.
They're on the last interview.
Excuse me.
Aren't you Margery Lee Winick,
- the current
Miss Georgia World?
- Why, yes, I am.
I'm Julia Sugarbaker,
Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister.
I couldn't help overhearing
part of your conversation.
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't
know anyone was here.
Yes, and I gather
from your comments
there are a couple of other
things you don't know, Margery.
For example, you
probably didn't know
that Suzanne was the only
contestant in Georgia pageant history
to sweep every category
except Congeniality.
And that is not something
the women in my
family aspire to, anyway.
That's really...
Or that when she walked
down the runway in her swimsuit,
five contestants
quit on the spot.
That's...
Or that when she emerged
from the isolation booth
to answer the question, what
would you do to prevent war,
she spoke so eloquently
of patriotism, battlefields,
and diamond tiaras,
- grown men wept.
- That's really...
And you probably
didn't know, Margery,
that Suzanne was not
just any Miss Georgia.
She was the Miss Georgia.
She didn't twirl just a baton,
that baton was on fire.
Look, that's...
And when she threw
that baton into the air,
it flew higher, further, faster
than any baton has
ever flown before,
hitting a transformer
and showering the
darkened arena with sparks.
And when it finally did
come down, Margery,
my sister caught that baton,
and 12,000 people
jumped to their feet
for 16 and one-half minutes
of uninterrupted,
thunderous ovation,
as flames illuminated
her tear-stained face.
And that, Margery,
just so you will know,
and your children
will someday know,
is the night the lights
went out in Georgia.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Well, now you do.
My mother says these pageants
put value on the wrong things.
She's been acting
pretty funny herself, lately.
Anyway, she's always taught
me to be exactly who I am.
So here goes.
The truth is,
I don't usually look like this,
and I don't want
to be Jane Pauley.
I want to be a professional
dancer, like in Las Vegas.
I didn't say that before
because I didn't think it would
make a very good answer.
And I don't think I
belong in this contest,
because I don't know what being
Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta means.
And I think it should be
won by someone who does.
Thank you very much.
[all singing] ♪ 29 candles ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[humming]
- I'm pretty...
- I don't know.
Wait, I got another one.
♪ Happy, happy
birthday, Suzanne ♪
[humming]
♪ Da-da ♪
What is this?
It's your birth certificate.
I found it in an old
cedar chest at home.
Well, there's no date on it.
I know. Mine's the same way.
That was Mother's gift to us.
Look at how old she
was when you were born.
13?
According to this,
Mother is now a
year younger than me.
[laughter]
That rascal.
Well, I don't know
about you all,
but I've got to get
this girl home to bed.
Oh, wait. I almost forgot.
I have a present for Claudia.
Oh.
Oh, Suzanne, it's beautiful.
But I can't accept this.
I didn't do anything
to deserve it.
Yes, you did. You
showed class and courage.
That's right.
Besides, this one never
looked that good on me, anyway.
- Thank you.
- What I want to know is,
how'd you get so much older
and wiser than the rest of us?
Excuse me. I still have
to live with this person.
And even though you may not be
Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta,
as far as daughters go,
I think I got the
top of the line.
Good night.
Come on, you two.
Oh, I just have one
more thing I want to say.
I love my daughter.
I love everyone in this
room, and I still think
Miss City Light and
Water's on steroids.
- Good night.
- Good-bye.
Well, I guess I should
be going home, too.
Just don't fool with
any of this stuff.
We'll clean it up
in the morning.
Good. I am kind of tired.
You can just pile all my
presents up there in the corner.
Righto. Drive carefully.
I will.
Julia.
Yeah.
Thanks.
For what?
Being my big sister.
Happy birthday.
I still say 30.
[Suzanne] 29!
Well, then, can you tell me?
But I thought they were
gonna make a decision...
I see.
Well, maybe it I
call back in a few...
[stammering] Uh...
well, you call me, then...
All right. Thank you very much.
What was that all about?
I don't know.
Did Rudy or Marcel call
about the pink valances?
No. Not yet.
Actually, that was my
cosmetics company.
Charlene, for the life of me,
I cannot understand why you like
selling that stuff on the side.
I mean, it's not like you make
all that much extra money,
and having those little
makeover demonstration parties
in other people's
homes is beyond me.
Well, Julia, that's you.
This is me. I
happen to enjoy it.
Just this morning, I
met a woman at Carl's Jr.
With a pore problem.
Now tonight, I'm gonna go over
to her house and close 'em off.
Something wrong?
Oh, it's nothing.
I just heard today's
date on the car radio.
I thought my birthday
was next week.
Now I find out it's Friday.
Well, I knew this
was gonna happen.
You're depressed about
the big 3-0, aren't you?
No, Julia. I'm not
depressed about the big 3-0.
I'm depressed about the big 2-9.
Suzanne, I don't
want to seem unkind,
but I am your sister, remember?
I know when you were
born, and you're gonna be 30.
I most certainly am not.
If you don't believe
me, ask Mother.
Why would I ask Mother?
She lies about her age, too.
Well, that's pretty strong talk
from someone who throws herself
an alleged 40th
birthday party every year.
[phone rings]
I'll get it.
Sugarbaker's.
Yes, this is she.
Oh, you're kid...
Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, oh, I'm so excited.
Yeah, I'll tell her
right away. Okay.
Thank you very much.
[squeals]
[giggles]
Guess what?
- I don't know.
- Oh, come on. Just guess.
Oh, Charlene, please.
You always do this.
I can't guess. There are
too many possibilities.
Life. Death. Birth. Infinity.
Just tell me.
Oh, all right.
Kemper Cosmetics has been
looking for someone to sponsor
the Miss Pre-Teen
Atlanta Contest
and they just found her.
I should have guessed.
I would have gotten that one.
Oh, Mary Jo.
It's Claudia.
- My Claudia?
- Yes.
Oh, I was gonna
ask your permission,
but I thought, "No.
Let it be a surprise."
So I went ahead and
submitted her picture and her bio.
And they want to sponsor
her. Isn't that fantastic?
Oh, what's the matter?
You aren't excited.
Well, I... I appreciate
the gesture, Charlene,
but I don't believe
in beauty contests.
What do you mean
you don't believe in 'em?
They exist. They're on TV.
I mean, I don't like them.
I feel like they... They...
they exploit people
and they promote the
wrong kind of values.
And it's just not something
I want my daughter
involved with.
But I really appreciate
you thinking about her.
Well, I, for one,
am sick and tired
of everyone always talking about
how beauty pageants
exploit women.
I love every one of my crowns.
And being Miss Georgia World
was the finest
moment of my life.
Nobody had to force me
to walk down the runway
in that swimsuit.
I did it with my head held high.
You had to.
The stays in that
bra were so big
if you looked down you'd
have gouged yourself to death.
Oh, Mary Jo!
I just can't believe
you feel this way.
Well, I am sorry,
but I agree with her.
I especially loathe
those pageants
where the women come
out in their bathing suits
and they plaster those
ratings across the front of them.
That is so degrading.
Isn't that the worst?
It's like some sort of
breast-a-thon at the Olympics.
They'll have this
gorgeous creature come out
with these humongous... And right
superimposed across the front of her body
will be a giant score, like 9.6.
That's out of 10.
Then they'll bring out this
anemic little bird-like creature
who probably plays the
oboe and she'll be there
in her native costume, you know,
with a big grin on her face.
Underneath the
grin it will say, 4.6.
I mean, it is just so painful!
I want to run to my
phone and call her up
and say, "Honey, wipe
that smile off your face,
"and take a look at that monitor
'cause they are making a
complete fool out of you."
I don't think there's anything
wrong with rating them.
Anyway, look at all the
good thing pageants do.
They provide opportunities
and scholarships.
But look at the degradation
that the women have to
go through to get them.
I say it's a lot easier
just to do your homework.
That's right!
And if pageants are
so all-fired wonderful,
why don't they
have them for men?
Why aren't Bob and
Frank and Ted out there
flexing their little
tushies for tuition?
I'll tell you why Bob and
Frank and Ted aren't out there,
because Bob and Frank and
Ted have got better sense.
What are you saying? That
men are smarter than women?
About this they are.
Well, I certainly
don't know any man
who would go on
national television
- and reveal...
- His most vital statistics.
Certainly not for the purpose
of being compared to other men.
Can you imagine the
angst in that auditorium?
I bet they would
shrivel up and die
in the isolation booth.
Well, I think you two are
completely overreacting.
We're talking about
beauty pageants here,
not Playboy Magazine.
- There's a big difference.
- Only in degrees.
The beauty pageants just
throw in these scholarships
to make it look like it's
not a beauty contest.
And Playboy throws
in Jerry Falwell
and the President
of the United States
as an excuse to
show centerfolds.
But it's the same
double standard.
If Hugh Hefner truly thinks
that being publicly
spread eagled
is so fantastic,
how come we haven't
seen his little wahoo
with a staple in the middle?
Is it just me or have
we gotten off track here?
I'm sorry. You're
right, Charlene.
- We're getting carried away.
- I know it.
When I get started,
I just can't stop.
Julia, you're just like Mother.
Remember when Daddy
used to have to take her purse
and hit her in the head?
Those were fun
times, weren't they?
Charlene,
I know you have Claudia's
best interest at heart,
but it's just not something
that I want her to do.
- You understand?
- Yeah, I do.
I just hope Claudia will.
Oh, that's no problem.
I'll just never mention it.
Too late.
- What?
- Well, she's the one
who gave me the pictures.
Why not?
Because it's just not
something that I want you to do.
I just don't see how
it could hurt for me
to be in Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta.
Claudia, a few weeks ago,
you had not even heard
of Miss Pre-Teen Atla...
Quin, is there
something you need?
I need some toilet paper.
I'm changing all the rolls.
Is it just a coincidence that you
always do this right at bedtime?
Do you have any chewing gum?
Not a proper response.
Go to bed.
I'll tuck you in in a minute.
Okay, look, I'll
make a deal with you.
If you let me be in
Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta,
I promise I won't make anything
below a "B" this semester.
And I'll clean my
room every day.
Do you want it that bad?
Yes!
Look, you always say
you'll never get anywhere
if you're not willing
to stick your neck out.
Honey, these beauty
contests are brutal.
I mean, look, I just think that
you are the prettiest, most
special daughter ever born,
but these other contestants,
they're hardcore professionals.
And you are just an amateur.
Look, I've lost
at things before.
- I can take it!
- [sighs]
Okay.
But if I let you do this,
I want you to remember
that these are not our values.
I understand and I promise.
Because a way
that a person looks
is not important.
It's what they are inside.
Everything else
is just superficial.
And certainly not
something that...
we'd want to spend
a lot of time on.
[Male Announcer] And now we
have the names of our five finalists.
One of whom will be
crowned Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta
tomorrow night.
And to read those names
is the current Miss Georgia
World, Margery Lee Winick.
Thank you, Gerald.
Thank you.
As I call the names,
I would like for each
finalist to come on stage.
Number 1... sponsored
by You Tan It Sun Parlors...
And look at that tan...
Mary Lynn McFeders.
Can you believe that? I
thought her nose was a little long.
Number 2... sponsored
by City Light and Water...
Joy Ann Githens.
Oh, please.
[whispers] You can see
her gums when she smiles.
Number 3... sponsored
by Seebas Chicken...
Jennifer Lynn Weeks.
Oh, please. Did you
see the hips on her?
She could haul grain to market.
- Mary Jo!
- I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's
come over me.
Number 4... sponsored by Ed's
Party and Sickroom Supplies...
Nancy Jane Woolbers.
I'm not saying a word.
And finally, Number 5...
Sponsored by Kemper Cosmetics...
Claudia Marie Shively.
- Yes! Yes!
- Aaah! Aaah!
We won! We won!
Claudia's a finalist!
Well, little mother, what do you
think of beauty contests now?
Whoo-hoo!
Only try it again
and see if you can
hold your shoulders
back a little more.
Pretend there's a
board up your spine.
Life is hard enough.
Why would anyone
want to pretend that?
Oh, Julia, please.
If you don't take it seriously,
how can we expect Claudia to?
No, Charlene, Julia's right.
I mean, I think as long
as Claudia's gonna do this,
we ought to keep
it in the spirit of fun
and having a good time.
Well, we certainly can't
use any of these shoes.
- She needs heels.
- Heels?
I don't wear heels yet.
You do now. You need the height.
Trust me, short people
never win a pageant.
I'm not short, I'm average.
I know, sweetheart,
but we want to be
better than average.
Okay, now, turn.
Very slowly. That's it.
And just when you get
your back to the judges,
cock your head to one
side and give them a look.
Like this.
Only don't overdo
it or they'll resent it.
Just a touch of "come hither".
Wait a minute.
"Come hither"?
She's 12 years old.
Don't you think
that's a little strong?
I mean, I think
something like...
"Hello. So nice to
make your acquaintance"
is much more appropriate.
Mary Jo, I haven't won 11 titles
just whistling "Dixie".
Believe me, I know
what I'm talking about.
Okay.
Just don't do it too much.
I just said that.
Okay, just a little bit
more color on the cheeks.
And a little bit
around the eyes.
This is so exciting.
I was all depressed
about my birthday,
but this pageant has just
got my juices flowing again,
like the old days.
And tomorrow night, I'm gonna...
She's gonna take that
auditorium by storm.
Right now, honey,
don't forget to smile.
That's the one thing they
always take off points for.
But not that phony little smile
like Miss City Light and Water.
You know, it's kind of
hard to smile all the time
and mean it.
Smart girl. Better watch out.
They deduct
points for that, too.
That's funny, Aunt Julia.
Thank you, darling.
And as far as I'm concerned,
that smile is good anytime.
What's wrong with Miss
City Light and Water?
I thought she was nice.
It's nothing. I just...
I just thought her
lips looked fake.
I mean, they were puffy.
I think she was on steroids.
- Claudia Shively.
- Here.
You're up next. Are
you almost ready?
She's more than
ready. She's magnificent.
Oh, are you the mother?
Are you kidding?
Margery, I'm Suzanne Sugarbaker,
Miss Georgia World 1976.
I think we met at
this year's pageant.
Oh, yes. I remember you now.
You're the one whose
talent was twirling the baton.
That's right. How'd
you remember that?
'Cause nobody twirls
the baton anymore.
I just thought it
was a hoot. [laughs]
Oh, Charlene, this
is Debbie Hammonds,
- Miss You Tan It's mother.
- Oh, how do you do?
And this is her other
daughter, Stacy Nicole.
She's in the Little Miss
Peach contest down the hall.
You're absolutely adorable.
Can I fix you up one
of these hot dogs?
No, thank you. It
might ruin my lipstick.
Everyone thinks she looks
just like Jessica Lange.
Go ahead, honey, show
'em your Jessica Lange.
- Very nice.
- Oh, my goodness.
Hurry up, Suzanne.
We're gonna miss Claudia.
Hold on. I'm just touching up.
She's right, you know.
Nobody does twirl
the baton anymore.
You know what I am, Julia?
I'm an aging professional
beauty queen.
And turning... 29 tomorrow
has made me admit
for the first time
I have no other talent.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
This is what I spent
my whole life doing.
I know in my heart it's
been a frivolous thing,
but I'm not like you.
You can do anything.
This is all I was born for.
From the time I
was a little girl,
whenever I'd see a tiara,
I'd just start to breathe hard.
And all I could think was,
I want that crown
to be on my head.
I'll never forget walking
down those runways,
the way the roses
felt in my arms,
and the roar of the crowd.
They loved me.
Now it's all over and I...
I just don't know if life can
ever be that good again.
Who was that?
Suzanne Sugarbaker.
- Don't you remember her?
- No.
Miss Georgia World '76?
Oh, yeah, the one
with the big hair.
- And the joke was,
they found Jimmy Hoffa in it.
- That's right!
[laughter]
Oh, do you know she actually
showed up at this year's pageant
and gave a two-hour lecture
on manners, cuss-words,
and how not to cross your legs?
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
Yes. It was so embarrassing.
Then I have another daughter
who looks just like Vanna
White on "Wheel of Fortune."
[both] Uh-huh.
So we stay pretty busy with the
pageant circuit most of the year.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Better get her back.
Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you.
That's amazing, isn't it?
One daughter looks
like Vanna White,
this one looks like Jessica
Lange, so tell me this...
How come she looks
like Lorne Greene?
Exactly! [laughs]
Is it my imagination,
or have we become
two of the nastiest
human beings left on earth?
[laughter]
Maybe we should go back out.
They're on the last interview.
Excuse me.
Aren't you Margery Lee Winick,
- the current
Miss Georgia World?
- Why, yes, I am.
I'm Julia Sugarbaker,
Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister.
I couldn't help overhearing
part of your conversation.
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't
know anyone was here.
Yes, and I gather
from your comments
there are a couple of other
things you don't know, Margery.
For example, you
probably didn't know
that Suzanne was the only
contestant in Georgia pageant history
to sweep every category
except Congeniality.
And that is not something
the women in my
family aspire to, anyway.
That's really...
Or that when she walked
down the runway in her swimsuit,
five contestants
quit on the spot.
That's...
Or that when she emerged
from the isolation booth
to answer the question, what
would you do to prevent war,
she spoke so eloquently
of patriotism, battlefields,
and diamond tiaras,
- grown men wept.
- That's really...
And you probably
didn't know, Margery,
that Suzanne was not
just any Miss Georgia.
She was the Miss Georgia.
She didn't twirl just a baton,
that baton was on fire.
Look, that's...
And when she threw
that baton into the air,
it flew higher, further, faster
than any baton has
ever flown before,
hitting a transformer
and showering the
darkened arena with sparks.
And when it finally did
come down, Margery,
my sister caught that baton,
and 12,000 people
jumped to their feet
for 16 and one-half minutes
of uninterrupted,
thunderous ovation,
as flames illuminated
her tear-stained face.
And that, Margery,
just so you will know,
and your children
will someday know,
is the night the lights
went out in Georgia.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Well, now you do.
My mother says these pageants
put value on the wrong things.
She's been acting
pretty funny herself, lately.
Anyway, she's always taught
me to be exactly who I am.
So here goes.
The truth is,
I don't usually look like this,
and I don't want
to be Jane Pauley.
I want to be a professional
dancer, like in Las Vegas.
I didn't say that before
because I didn't think it would
make a very good answer.
And I don't think I
belong in this contest,
because I don't know what being
Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta means.
And I think it should be
won by someone who does.
Thank you very much.
[all singing] ♪ 29 candles ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[humming]
- I'm pretty...
- I don't know.
Wait, I got another one.
♪ Happy, happy
birthday, Suzanne ♪
[humming]
♪ Da-da ♪
What is this?
It's your birth certificate.
I found it in an old
cedar chest at home.
Well, there's no date on it.
I know. Mine's the same way.
That was Mother's gift to us.
Look at how old she
was when you were born.
13?
According to this,
Mother is now a
year younger than me.
[laughter]
That rascal.
Well, I don't know
about you all,
but I've got to get
this girl home to bed.
Oh, wait. I almost forgot.
I have a present for Claudia.
Oh.
Oh, Suzanne, it's beautiful.
But I can't accept this.
I didn't do anything
to deserve it.
Yes, you did. You
showed class and courage.
That's right.
Besides, this one never
looked that good on me, anyway.
- Thank you.
- What I want to know is,
how'd you get so much older
and wiser than the rest of us?
Excuse me. I still have
to live with this person.
And even though you may not be
Miss Pre-Teen Atlanta,
as far as daughters go,
I think I got the
top of the line.
Good night.
Come on, you two.
Oh, I just have one
more thing I want to say.
I love my daughter.
I love everyone in this
room, and I still think
Miss City Light and
Water's on steroids.
- Good night.
- Good-bye.
Well, I guess I should
be going home, too.
Just don't fool with
any of this stuff.
We'll clean it up
in the morning.
Good. I am kind of tired.
You can just pile all my
presents up there in the corner.
Righto. Drive carefully.
I will.
Julia.
Yeah.
Thanks.
For what?
Being my big sister.
Happy birthday.
I still say 30.
[Suzanne] 29!