Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - Designing Women - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Well, I'm not just
the office manager,

I'm the office manager.

I'm sure we can get those
recliners in naugahyde for you.

Four to six weeks.

Well, we raise our
little naughs on a ranch

and we have to wait
until they're weaned.

Oh, good, you have
a sense of humor.

All right, Mr. Dalton,
thank you.

Charlene, you are just
never going to believe it!

I mean, I had no idea,



when I first talked to
those people, you know.

I mean, I thought it was
just a simple little colonial.

I mean, who knew?
I'm still hyperventilating.

You mean the
Sunamiers have money?

We are talking M-O-N-E-Y.

To give you an example,

their dog's name is Richard.

The servants call him "Dick".

And I guess they must
have liked me pretty good

because when I left they said
that I could call him that, too.

- Where's Julia?
- Oh, she's at the bank.

So they liked your idea?

I have no idea.

I was completely intimidated.



This was me in the great hall.

Oh, Jo! You always
sell yourself short.

I bet we get that account.

Oh, I bet we don't.

They're talking to all
the big design firms.

Come on, they're
not going to pick us.

We do English chintz
and pine cupboards.

These people have
icons and marble lions.

I'm not talking about some
little ceramic horse jockey.

I am talking lions with
their heads thrown back,

laughing.

What's wrong?

Oh, it's my neck.

I've been noticing recently that

it looked like
somebody else's neck

and I just realized who it was.

Ronald Reagan.

You know, there's no reason
for him to go around like that.

Like Gorbachev...
That thing on his head.

I have some stuff
that'd cover that right up.

Anything wrong?

Charlene, tell me something.

Have I ever mislead you?

Yes. That time you told
me going to a psychic

was a waste of
money and they told me

a bunch of things
that came true.

And also when you
said people have tattoos

have something wrong with 'em.

- I've known some very nice people...
- All right.

I hate it when
you break my flow.

Now how much do you have
invested in this business?

Well, half my savings.

I mean, I could never
give more than that.

Unless, of course, it
was during wartime.

I hope that didn't
break your flow.

Mary Jo.

Everything except my
kids' college fund. Why?

Nothing for you to worry about.

I just want you both to know
that you can count on me.

Last year, when Hayden died,

I said, "I'm gonna do what
I always wanted to do...

Start my own
decorating business!"

And no matter how
many overwrought,

tight-fisted bankers wail
and gnash their teeth,

I have no intention
of going under.

How much were we off?

A couple of hundred
from last month.

Charlene, what
is all this stuff?

Oh, those are the lights
Mr. Tyson sent back

this morning.

The man is a nutcase.

Why is he returning these?

Well, now he seems to feel
that the way they were lit,

accentuates the nude
figures in his paintings.

Well, he's not saying
it's intentional, mind you.

It's just more
titillating than he'd like.

That's his word.
Personally, I hate that word.

I especially hate the
way Mr. Tyson says it.

He kind of draws it out.

Anyway, he's not saying
all the figures are obscene.

Apparently, if a person's naked

but they also have
wings, then it's not obscene

because they're an angel.

Thank you.

[phone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, me, too.

Tonight?

Yeah, okay.

All right. See you then.

Is that him?

Yeah.

We're going out again.

Oh, great.

No, not great.

There must be
something wrong with him

or I wouldn't like him so much.

You know, there is already
one thing that kind of bothers me.

And what is that?

He had a bullet
hole in his pants.

A bullet hole? How do
you know that's what it was?

'Cause I said, "What's
that hole in your pants?"

And he said, "Oh, that?
That's a bullet hole."

Perhaps he was out
shopping somewhere

and got caught
in some crossfire.

Well, good morning, troops.

Isn't it wonderful to see everyone
so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

Suzanne, I have just
come from the bank

and I'm in no mood for
your assessment of my tail.

Well, don't you worry
about that, big sister.

Because I just landed
us a job refurbishing

Mr. and Mrs. J.D. Bolover's
estate in Ansley Park.

Of course you know
they're an interracial couple.

So I just told her all
about our family's part

in the Civil Rights struggle.

What part?

You know, that time
Mother got up at town hall

and said, "If the
races must mingle,

let it begin with me
and Harry Belafonte."

By the way, Charlene,

I can't seem to find any
of my alimony checks.

I think you've misplaced them.

Well, excuse me.

But they're right here
where they always are

in order of
alphabetical husbands.

Furthermore, I do
not misplace things.

In case you haven't noticed,

I'm not a person going
down the great freeway of life

with the back of her dress
tucked in her pantyhose.

Okay. Don't be so touchy.

Oh, you might also
be interested to know

that Dr. Staners office called

and canceled your appointment.

He's retiring immediately
for health reasons.

Retiring?

He can't retire.

He's been my
gynecologist for years.

Let him go. He's paid his dues.

Well, this is just awful.

I don't even know
another gynecologist.

Jo's ex-husband's one.

Is he any good?

Well, I'd like to think so.

She put him through school.

Well, do you have his number?

Yeah, I guess I've got
it right here in my wallet.

Is this him with your kids?

- Mm-hmm.
- He has horns.

I don't know what incredibly
immature person did that.

You know, Suzanne, I
find this really incredible.

Three hours ago you were
looking for a new gynecologist.

So Mary Jo here very graciously

gave you the number
of her ex-husband.

We were all under the
impression this was to be

a professional, medical visit.

Now you return with news
that you are dating this person?

I mean, forgive my stupidity,

but just exactly how
does one make that jump

from the stirrups
in a doctor's office

to a booth at T.G.I. Fridays?

Look, Julia, I can't explain it.

It was romantic fate.

I'm a romantic.

All I know is our eyes met.

She's not only a romantic,
she's a contortionist.

I only had a consultation
in Ted's outer office.

Oh, now it's "Ted".

Look...

I just don't understand what
everyone's getting so upset about.

After all, Ted and Mary
Jo are divorced now

and their relationship
is in the past.

Oh, come on, Suzanne!

These things are
never in the past.

I'm sure Mary Jo has
some old underwear

she doesn't want anymore either.

That doesn't mean she
wants to see you in it.

Well, I think we should let
Mary Jo speak for herself.

Mary Jo, I want the truth.

If my going out with Ted
would bother you in any way,

then all you have
to do is to tell me.

And I would.

I mean, if you want
to go out with Ted,

it's fine with me.

Well, good.

Because I wouldn't
want you to feel pressured

or to feel threatened

by our incredibly,
electric attraction

for one another.

And I swear, I don't
mean that bitchy.

I just don't understand

why you have to pick
on her ex-husband.

Julia, I didn't pick
him. It just happened.

And it will happen again.

Suzanne, if sex were fast food,

there'd be an
arch over your bed.

And I swear I don't
mean that bitchy.

Mary Jo, I know this
is none of my business.

But, well, I just
can't even believe

you let him get away.

I mean... what happened?

Well, we married
young and drifted apart.

That's it?

Well, that and I guess I
just got tired every night

of having to yell, "Stop it,
stop it! You're killing me."

Really?

So, I mean, then you're
absolutely, positively sure

you don't mind if I date him?

- I'm sure.
- Oh, well, why not?

He always dated whoever he
wanted even when they were married.

I guess I should have suspected
he had some sort of macho problem

when all the nurses he hired
always had these, sort of,

life-threatening breasts.

At first I tried to ignore it.

I was a different person
then. Not like I am today...

Brimming with bravado
and self-confidence.

I kept hoping that... That
seeing all those female...

patients, all day
long, day in, day out,

would somehow make him numb.

Instead he developed
a high tolerance.

You know what was really hard?

Is when he would come
home after a long day

and I would want
to be somehow...

different from the others.

But there's only so
much you can do...

with what you have.

If you know what I mean.

Really?

I don't think I'd have
that problem at all.

Oohh?

All I'm saying is,

anyone can make
sex new and exciting

if they're creative about it.

Well, I guess I'm just
not the exotic type.

I see one of those electric
personal massage deals

and all I can think of is
"horrendous home safety accident."

Oh, I'm not saying
you need props.

You just have to talk
to each other in bed.

Personally, I can't stand
a man who talks in bed.

And the last thing I
want is to lie around

discussing the whys
and wherefores of

who's going to be doing
what to whom and for how long.

I say, just get the
show on the road.

You know, Julia,

you remind me more and
more of Betty Davis every day.

I know.

I remind everyone of those
big-shouldered broads.

Would you look at the time?

I've got to run.

Ted's taking me out to dinner.

Now, Mary Jo,

will you absolutely
cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die

this won't bother you?

Yes. Go.

And have a wonderful time.

Bitch.

It's just a little joke.

You know why I like this place?

There's so many
men in suits and ties.

I just love a man
in a suit and tie.

I mean, if all these men in
here were in their underwear,

I'd probably be
mentally dressing them.

While we're on the subject,

what happened to your
friend with the bullet hole?

Don't ask.

Well, it just so happens
he's in jail right now.

But it's just to do
some undercover work.

I know that sound flaky

and you don't always have
to refer to him as "my friend".

His name is Shadow.

Charlene, are you
sure you told Suzanne

Tokyo Gardens?

Of course I'm sure.

- Have some sushi.
- I finally figured it out.

You see, it's not
Suzanne I'm mad at.

It's Ted.

You see, when we got divorced,

I could never tell
him how angry I was.

She didn't even
ask him for alimony.

You didn't ask for alimony?

No.

I kind of had my heart
set on the death penalty.

She put Ted through med school.

He owes her a fortune.

- Which school?
- Guadalajara.

Maybe not.

And then we got
back to the states,

first thing he did when
he got out of residency

was buy a Jaguar.

Suddenly at 30, he
decided he was going bald.

That was when they
lived next door to me.

He had those hair plugs put in.

Started going to
sun tanning parlors.

Pretty soon all you
could see were his teeth.

He would come
home at 10:00 at night,

smelling like perfume,

looking like Kunta Kinte.

If there's one
thing I cannot stand

it's a prissy man.

Excuse me, but you lovely ladies

look like you're in need of

a little male
companionship here.

Trust me when I tell you
that you have completely

misassessed the
situation at this table.

Ahh, sense of
humor. I like that.

- You're, uh...
- Charlene Frazier.

No kidding. I have a
sister named Darlene.

Oh, really?

I have sisters named
Marlene, Darlene, and Harlene.

- [laughs]
- I have a brother named Skipp.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Ray Don Simpson.

There's no need for
introductions, Ray Don.

We know who you are.

- Oh, you do?
- Of course.

You're the guy who's always
wherever women gather

or try to be alone.

You want to eat with us
when we're dining in hotels,

you want to know if the book
we're reading is any good,

or if you can keep us
company on the plane.

And I want to
thank you, Ray Don,

on behalf of all the
women in the world,

for your unfailing
attention and concern.

But read my lips and remember,

as hard as it is to believe,

sometimes we like
talking just to each other.

And sometimes we
like just being alone.

Okay, I can take a hint.

You want a little girl talk.

So I'll just go make a
couple of phone calls.

Be right back.

Julia, he just
asked to sit down.

You didn't have
to annihilate him.

Well, I'm sorry.

But you just cannot be
nice to a man like that.

[speaking native language]

Oh, well, hello everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

I don't know where
the time went to.

Ted and I were at a bookstore

getting that new
Michelin Guide on Paris.

Oh, that's all right.

Here, have a "whore" d'oeuvre.

You and Ted are going to Paris?

Oh, just for the weekend.

He can't take off much
more time than that.

Oh, I always dreamed
of going to Paris.

But instead we went
to Lake of the Ozarks

and Silver Dollar City.

Look, I'm sorry I
even mentioned it.

You know, it's very
difficult being so happy

and not being able to share
it with any of my friends.

Buy a diary.

There is just one thing
I'm dying to show you

and then, of course, I
promise not another word.

[gasps]

Well, that must
have set him back

a couple of hysterectomies.

Doesn't he have
great taste in jewelry?

Oh, yes.

I know I have always
treasured my opal pinkie ring.

You know, Suzanne, I mean,

after hearing the way
Ted treated Mary Jo,

I'd think you might want
to reconsider dating him.

Oh, Ted would never hurt me.

No, but I would.

Well, I'm very sorry
all of you feel this way.

I can see now that you
could never be happy

about my big news.

Okay, I give. What news?

Ted has asked me to marry him.

Check.

Well, I just cannot believe...

I mean, how can I work?

I mean, dating is one thing,

but marriage is quite another.

I mean, can you imagine her
as the stepmother of my bab...

That woman is not a mother!

She has no idea how to make
a salt map of the Grand Canyon!

Well, look, now, maybe
we're all overreacting here now.

Look at all the times
Suzanne's been engaged.

- Right, Julia?
- Right.

And how many of
them did she marry?

All of them.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hello, Mary Jo.

Now, I know you're
mad at me for doing this,

but if Ted and I are gonna
have any chance for happiness,

then you two have to
work out your differences.

Now I brought him here
today so you can tell him

what's on your mind.

And then we'll all feel better

and live happily
ever after, okay?

Okay.

I think we girls should
go in the backroom

and powder our noses

so Ted and Mary Jo can talk.

You stick to your guns.

So...
- How've you been?
- Great.

You know, I want to
see you sometimes

when I pick up the kids,
but you're always upstairs.

Yeah, well. Those
are the brakes.

Easy come, easy go.

Mary Jo, Suzanne
and I are very serious.

I hope that's not gonna
be a problem for ya.

Problem?

No. Why would that be a problem?

"Come say, come saw."

I think that's "comme
çi, comme ça."

How dare you correct me!

Actually...

I think this is a
pretty good idea...

because there's
just a couple of things

I'd like to get off my chest.

Wait a minute.

Now you're blaming
me for the weather

in Mexico, too?

Monsoons are my fault?

I'm not saying that
monsoons are your fault!

I'm say... Do you
see this ashtray?

This ashtray is
approximately the size

of the tiny stool that I sat on

for two years.

Eight hours a day,
filing 3 x 5 index cards

so that you could
become a doctor.

And the only time
I got off that stool

was to go to my waitressing job

or to give birth to your child,

while you were scuba
diving off the coast of Baja

with a person named Martita.

Okay, so you resent me.

There's nothing I
can do about that now.

I mean, I've offered you
money. You won't accept it.

Ted, I don't want your money
and I don't want your degree!

Then what do you want?

I want...

I want to know that
what I did mattered.

That I mattered.

I want you to
say... "Thank you."

That's it?

That's it.

Gee, you're putting a
lot of pressure on me

to perform here.

I mean, if that's all you want,

I want to say it with
tremendous feeling,

but now I'm feeling
all blocked and...

You know, Ted, you
really are a jackass.

Okay, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There now, wasn't that nice?

And don't we all
feel much better?

Yeah.

It's just amazing
how mad you can get

when you let it build
up for 10 or 12 years.

Personally, I would have
hired Marvin Mitchelson

and had your little
wahoo mounted

and hung over my fireplace.

Ted, this is my
older sister, Julia,

grown bitter from years
of living in my shadow.

And I think you know Charlene.

Hey, Charlene.
It's been a while.

Still selling your
cosmetics on the side?

Mm-hmm.

Your skin's
looking a little dry.

You should drop by.

I'd love to give you
a chemical peel.

Well, I'd like to make a toast.

A toast?

Yes, you know, I
just feel really great

about the fact that
Ted and Suzanne

are getting married
'cause, you know,

if they weren't then we might
never have had our little talk.

And I just want to wish
them all the happiness

in the world.

Well, this might be
a little premature.

After all, Ted and I
have a lot of talking to do

ourselves.

Talking? About what?

Oh, I just have a few questions.

Like what's the big
deal about not being able

to go to sleep before anyone
else in the room was asleep?

That's just how I
am. You know that.

How would I know that?

We haven't been to sleep yet.

And another thing...
For your information,

I do not go around
marrying men who kick dogs.

Hey, I don't know
where she got that. I...

I never kicked a dog in my life.

I just sort of threw
that in for fun.

I'd like to make
that toast anyway.

You know, I think it
was pretty darn nice

of Suzanne to
bring Ted over here.

Out of character, but nice.

So, here's to a very
classy co-worker.

And to Julia,

the best of the
big-shouldered broads.

[laughter]

And to Char, the last
of the great lean sisters.

Two of the finest women
it has been my honor

to be in debt with.

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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