Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 21 - Grand Slam, Thank You Ma'am - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪♪

Charlene, where's the
rest of the newspaper?

I want to see that ad we put in.

I don't know. Well,
maybe they left

the Home Section
out of our paper.

Who knows? Maybe a...
Maybe a dog carried it off.

What dog?

I don't know.

A Seeing Eye dog?

Julia, don't I owe you a dollar?



What for?

Uh... um, lunch the other day.

I was short. Remember?

You know I don't keep
track of those things.

- Just forget it.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I could never do that.
It would bother me.

Charlene, where's
the Home Section?

Um, Julia, you ever
looked at a dollar bill

and wondered where it's been?

I... I mean, do you ever

just kinda hold it in your hand

and think maybe it's been with
somebody you used to know,

you know, like somebody
you went to high school with

or somebody you used
to be in love with or...



Or maybe even somebody
you're gonna meet

and fall in love with
sometime in the future,

and you'd never know that
you both had that same dollar?

Do you ever wonder
about stuff like that?

[quietly] No, I don't.

Do you ever wonder why

you're beginning to
sound like Andy Rooney?

- No, I don't.
- I want the Home Section.

All right. It's just
gonna make you mad.

I mean, I... I thought
we could get more

for our $350,

but the rates went
up, and so the copy's

a lot smaller than I
thought it was gonna be.

It must be small.
I can't even find it.

Right there.

You must be joking!
This isn't small.

- It's microscopic.
- What's that?

Our ad.

Let me see.

Oh, that is small.

Small? If you rolled it up,

it could be a high
school diploma for a gnat.

Well, I did the best I could.

Nobody's gonna pay
any attention to this.

The only person who would
possibly come into Sugarbakers'

because of this ad is someone
who would take the time

to blow it up so they could
read the name and address,

and frankly, I don't think I want
a person like that in my store.

- Why not?
- Because they would
be unbalanced.

That doesn't stop the rest
of us from coming in here.

I rest my case.

What case?

Nothin'. It's
just a little joke.

Well, I'm not in the
mood. I'll be so glad

when they finish working
on that building next-door.

I'm just sick and
tired of those hardhats

always yelling and
whistling every time I go by.

I mean, all I ever hear is,
"Look how big they are."

Well, I wouldn't worry, Suzanne.

They're probably talking
about your purse or your buns.

You know, Julia, just once,

I would like to walk in
here and make a statement

without being
personally attacked.

Well, I could cut down,

but I wouldn't want to
have to go cold turkey.

[telephone rings]

Sugarbakers'.

Hey! Hi, Jack!

Suzanne, it's
your ex on the line.

How's that famous pitchin' arm?

I'll take it over here.

Why don't you come by
and see us sometime?

You know my family doesn't
even believe I know you?

- Ahem!
- Oh.

Sorry, Jack. All right.

Gotta go.

Thank you.

[syrupy] Hi, Jack.

I'm fine.

Dinner?

I thought we had
dinner in November.

Or was it October?

You know how I get those
"ber" months mixed up.

Why do you want to have dinner?

You wrote a book?

Autobiographical?

Does that mean I'm in it?

Well, okay, yes, I'll
read the manuscript.

It's not too long, is it?

Okay. Yes, I'll
send Anthony for it.

Okay. Bye.

Jack wrote a book?

Yeah... about his
life and baseball.

He wants me to read it.
You know, I just hate to read.

I'll just tell him I read it. He'll
never know the difference.

You're joking.

Aren't you just
a little bit curious

what he said about you?

Well, not enough to
read a whole book.

Besides, I already know
how he feels about me.

He's still madly in
love with me. [chuckles]

What I want to know is why
y'all got divorced in the first place.

I mean, of all your ex-husbands,

I think he's by far the cutest.

Charlene, cute isn't everything.

I need somebody I can talk to
about things besides baseball,

you know, things
I find fascinating.

Like what?

Well, like me.

I mean, Jack never did
want to talk about me.

All he ever wanted to talk about

was those saliva balls of his.

I think you mean spitballs.

The only time our marriage
ever worked was in bed.

I mean, it was just
constant, fabulous sex,

day in, day out.

Well, you know how a
little of that goes a long way.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Fabulous sex can
just drag you down.

I think I know what you mean.

You know how there are people
you just have this great chemistry with

but you just cannot
live with 'em?

That's right. I mean,
Jack and I never had

anything in common.

I mean, he used to
just throw his clothes

all over the place.

Well, I like things neat.
That's why I have a maid.

So I said to him, "Get
yourself your own maid."

But he refused.

You see? That's
the kind of thing

I was dealing with.

If he hadn't been
so in love with me,

it wouldn't have
lasted as long as it did.

Suzanne, I seem to
recall several fights

which culminated in
his riding face down

on the hood of your
car to the police station.

If I were you,

I'd be more than
a little anxious

to get my hands
on that manuscript.

Julia, if there's one thing
I've never had to worry about,

it's the way my
ex-husbands talk about me.

I mean, I've never had
one say an unkind word yet.

In fact, just to show
you how confident I am,

you can read the manuscript,

and I won't even
ask you what's in it.

All right, I'll be happy to.

Fine. And you don't have
to tell me one thing in it.

It's a deal.

Well, there is
just one little thing

- I would want to know.
- What?

Well, like, if he mentions me
rolling my pajama bottoms up

when I run out of underwear.

♪♪♪

It's hard to go on working while
Julia's up there reading that manuscript.

I never heard her be so quiet.

Anthony? Would you go
upstairs and check on her?

Uh-uh. She specifically told me

not to interrupt her
unless there was a fire

and it had reached
the second floor.

You're being awfully
uncurious about this, Anthony.

You didn't, by any chance,

open it on the way
over... did you?

[snickers]

I cannot believe you'd think

I would stoop to
somethin' like that.

Of course I didn't open it.

It fell out.

I knew it. I knew it.

You read it, didn't you?

Well, not the whole thing.

I am not a Evelyn Wood graduate.

But I did glance at
a couple chapters

as I was pickin' it up.

- And?
- And?

Well, basically, the
dude had more groupies

than all the rock
stars in North America.

[gasps] He actually wrote that?

Wrote it? That part
was in bold caps.

[footsteps]

What I want to know is,

when did this man find
time to play baseball?

Julia, does Jack actually
say that he played around

while he and
Suzanne were married?

I don't think I would
call it "playing around."

More like sexual bombing
strikes on major American cities.

Oh, this is awful!

This will kill her, I mean,

no one's ever gone
out on Suzanne before!

I know it. But I had a
funny feeling about this one.

I never could trust a
man who spits tobacco

into a potted plant
when you're not looking.

[door opens]

Hi.

What's goin' on?

Nothin'.

We're just standing around

in a circle, talking.

Oh, I get it.

Julia read Jack's manuscript,

and now you're
trying to make me think

he said something bad about me.

Well, it's not gonna
work. I told you.

I don't even care.

Suzanne.

I just want you to know.

I've known many a
squealer in my time,

and eventually,
these things even out.

His time... will come.

Nice try, Anthony,
but it won't work.

No, w-we think
it's a good decision

that you decided not to read it.

Julia, why are
you being so quiet?

What's wrong?
Didn't you like it?

Oh... yes.

It's... very interesting.

It has all the elements.

Adventure.

Travel.

[pointedly] Romance.

[chuckles]

Romance... with me. [chuckles]

No, Suzanne.

I mean as an extracurricular.

Where do I start?

Chapter four.

The Girls of the Royal
Canadian Mounties.

♪♪♪

[TV reporter] ...modern
baseball manager to fill...

You wanna know
why I like this bar?

I like this bar because
nobody in here knows me.

After that book is published, I'll
probably hang out here all the time...

in hopes of not
being recognized.

Oh, come on, Suzanne.

Your life is not over

simply because Jack
Dent had some affairs.

Oh, I would hardly dignify
'em by calling 'em affairs.

At least he was discrete.
He didn't name names.

He didn't have to.
He named the state.

Oh, it's not fair.

He gets all the adulation,
she gets all the humiliation.

Oh, well, after
all, he deserves it.

He's Mr. Jack "Atlanta
Saliva Ball" Dent.

I keep telling
you it's "spitball."

Whatever.

I mean, he's still one
of the top five pitchers

in the entire American Legion.

League.

And it's "National."

Whatever!

You know, that's gotta be

one of the problems
in her marriage.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I mean, after Jack's
book is published,

it's gonna be like strangers
going through my lingerie drawers.

I'd like another
martini, please.

I mean, I'm gonna
be publicly cuckolded.

I'll make it a double.

Shh! Look. It's Jack.

They're interviewing
him on the TV.

Oh, that's right.
There's a game tonight.

Boo!

[quietly] Suzanne!

I told you we should
never let her order a drink

that doesn't come
with an umbrella in it.

Boo!

Hey, keep it down, will you?

We're tryin' to hear Jack Dent.

Aw, keep it down yourself.

He doesn't even pick
up his own underwear.

Suzanne, let's not go
off the deep end here.

The book will go unpublished.

I don't know about that, Julia.

Jack's won every
game this season.

He's so popular around here,
he could mug Mother Teresa

and still be elected mayor.

Oh, look. Now they
got his fan club up there.

You know, I used to believe
those women were just fans.

I was so stupid.
But not anymore.

I'm nobody's patsy. I
mean, I have no intention

of becoming "Poor Suzanne,

the long-suffering,
jilted ex-wife."

It might surprise
some people to know

that I've done some
bad things on my own.

Mm-mmm. Wouldn't
tax my imagination.

What I'm saying was so bad.

Jack doesn't even know about it.

[Jack talking on TV]

Well, don't keep us
hangin'. What was it?

It was August 26, 1983...

The night of the
Pittsburgh Pirates game.

We'd just had the
biggest fight of our lives.

I mean, I was so furious, and then
he walked out right in the middle of it.

Oh, I hate it when they do that.

Don't you, though.

So. I saw this shiny thing

sticking up out of his gym bag.

And then... I did it.

Did what?

I can't say.

[All] Suzanne!

Okay.

I put Ben-Gay in
his athletic cup.

[giggles]

Oh, that is terrible.

Yeah. [chuckles]

They lost the
game 9-1. [chuckles]

I used to just feel
terrible about that.

And how do you feel now?

Like I just won the finals
in six beauty pageants.

Another drink?

Mm-mmm.

Oh, but I need a
cab to the stadium.

The stadium? What for?

I feel like playin'

a little hardball myself.

♪♪♪

Hey. Hiya, Suzanne.

Hi.

Wait. You can't come in here.

Where is he?

Give me that towel!

[Player] Dent's wife.

[Suzanne] Ex-wife!

Ow!

Suzanne!

I just came by to tell you

what a complete lowlife you are

as a human being, not
to mention a husband.

You've been drinkin'.

That's right.

And we all know
what he's been doing,

don't we, guys?

[laughter]

Listen. If this is
about the book,

I told you I wanted
to talk about it.

Oh, just talk, huh? Well, that
would be somethin' new for you.

Where are your pants? Did
you leave 'em at the hotel,

or do you just not bother
to wear 'em anymore?

Look.

Listen. I can
explain everything.

Just not now.

Hey, Dent! Do you mind?

Oh, pipe down.

There's nothin' here I
haven't run into before.

It might interest you to know

I've seen a few other
naked men in my life.

[men snicker, laugh]

She makes me feel so cheap.

She hasn't seen that
many guys naked.

I have, too.

[laughter]

Look. If this is about
the book, I'm sorry.

That's why I wanted you
to read it ahead of time

to make sure you
wouldn't be mad.

"Wouldn't be mad."

Oh! That is so typical of you!

Jack Dense! I mean,

you go around waltzin'
one-half the western hemisphere.

[laughter]

And... And you want to make sure

I won't be mad?

Well, you know how you are.

I figured, what do you care?
We're not married anymore.

But we were married.

And I trusted you.

I mean, maybe I wasn't
the adoring little housewife

- sitting at home
with that apron.
- Apron?

You can't even slice cheese.

[chortles]

That may very well be,

but who was it that went out

and got your
vitamin C pills, huh?

And who cleaned the
mud out of your little cleats?

Your maid?

That's right.

And who do you think
was paying her for it?

And I'm sure she didn't
perform any service

- the rest
of your wives haven't.
- [Jack] Ahem!

And so I claim a small
victory here tonight.

The victory of the
Pittsburgh Pirates

over the Atlanta
Braves, August 26, 1983.

Look. I don't want
to hurt your feelings,

but I gotta go now.
Is this speech over?

It ain't over till the fat
lady sings. ♪♪ [organ]

♪♪ [intro to "Star
Spangled Banner"]

[Female performer]
♪ Oh, say... ♪

I guess it's over.

♪ ...sing ♪

- ♪ By the dawn's... ♪
- Turn that thing down.

♪ Early light ♪

- Come on.
- ♪ What so proudly we... ♪

Let me come by after the game.

- [snickers]
- I want to explain.

[seductively] Come on.

Suzanne.

Honey.

- And as for that...
- Ahh.

Not if you were the
last man left on earth,

terminally ill and
the human race's

final shot for procreation.

[ring]

♪♪ [pop playing on radio]

[ring]

[Radio Announcer] You
are listening to WXIU.

- Randy Garrett here.
[ring]

We just got a request from
my old drinkin' buddy, Jack Dent.

You know, it's hard to
turn down a guy [ring]

who's just made a 4
and 0 for the season.

Suzanne, we know
you're listening

because it's your
habit to tune in [ring]

after you're in bed.

Now, Jack is phoning you
from a close-by phone, [ring]

and if you don't answer,

he's going to come
break down your door.

All I can say is,

I just hope nothing happens

to that golden
arm or... Suzanne...

you could have all of
Atlanta to answer to.

Good luck, Dent.

Go get 'em, tiger.

[Woman, Spanish accent]
You break in here, I think!

[Jack] No! I have a key!
Suzanne's expectin' me!

[Woman] Get your
filthy hands off me!

I get gun! I fix you!

That woman's a maniac!

I know. That's why I hired her.

[Woman] Open
the door! I kill you!

Would you tell her I'm okay?

[Woman, Spanish
accent] I get the big gun!

It's okay, Consuela!

He... He's not
gonna be here long,

or else I'll get the big gun.

[pounding, shouting]

[yelling in Spanish]

Listen, I know you're upset.

I'm sorry about the dirt. I
came straight from the ballpark.

Would you mind if I
lie down? Just to talk?

I'll pay to have the
sheets Martinized.

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, nothing. For a second,

I thought I'd detected
a man's outline there.

I'm warning you,
Jack, the only "outline"

anyone's gonna find here
is a little chalk one of you

on the floor after
the police get here.

- Ooh.
- What's the matter?

My head.

It's not enough that I
make a fool out of myself

in your locker room,
but you had to put us

on the radio, too?

I can't help it. I do better

when the whole
city's cheerin' me on.

Well, just... leave me alone.

Not till you hear
what I have to say.

Uh...

you, uh... got your deal
on backwards there.

How would you know?

Because the breasts go in front.

Okay, come on. Let's fix it.

- Come on.
- [squeals]

Don't even think about it!

I'll close my eyes.

I'll throw up on you.

Look. [clears throat]

Suzanne, I just...
I just didn't take

this whole book
thing that seriously.

I mean, this all started
when the first three publishers

- turned it down.
- What publishers?

I wanted to write a
book about baseball.

They all said the same thing:

"No juice. Where's
the inside stuff?"

To tell you the truth,
half of it I wrote on a bus

with Ty Bass and
a couple other guys.

We were just havin' a good time.

Wait a minute. Let
me get this straight.

You're telling me you
made this stuff up?

Well, not the baseball
part. Just the groupie stuff.

Personally, I think
it's a pretty good book.

Did you read the chapter on, uh,

how to psych yourself
out of a slump?

I mean, you wouldn't
make this up?

You didn't sleep with
any of those women?

Suzanne, in the two
years we were married...

Three!

Whatever. I didn't sleep

with anyone who didn't have

a quarter-inch of facial hair

and snore like a
buffalo. [chuckles]

Well, all that shows is
a lack of discrimination.

You didn't believe me?

Call my mother.

Why would I call your mother?

I don't know. She's
a good woman?

Call the guys. Call the
coach. They'll tell ya.

Suzanne, why would
I want anyone else?

You were the best.

[Suzanne chuckles]

You know... even now,

when I'm with someone else,

I close my eyes,
and I think of you.

Oh, Jack.

All right. I was on a roll.

Um...

I just can't believe

you thought I wouldn't mind

about all that
foolin' around stuff.

Oh, I guess I wasn't thinkin'.

Hey, I'm a jock!

I've taken a lot of
balls to the head.

I just... I just
wanted you to see

that I dedicated
the book to you.

You did?

I didn't even notice.

Well... you can be
kinda sweet sometime.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. Do you swear on your life,

may lightning strike
you down dead,

this is the absolute truth?

You know, that is somethin'
I never liked about you...

That casual way you have
of siccin' lightning on me.

Swear it.

All right. [sighs]

May lightning strike me dead.

And you'll rewrite it?

What if it costs me the deal?

- Swear it.
- Okay.

Okay.

I'd rather seal it
with one of these.

Jack, we can't.

Why not?

[giggles]

Who cares if we don't get along?

We can still go
away for a few days

and do some terrible
stuff to each other.

[Suzanne humming, giggling]

Stop. Stop.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm
going to bed now.

[yawning] Okay.

We can stay and do some
terrible stuff to each other.

Alone.

I'll call Consuela.

Hey, I was just testin'...

to make sure your
resistance was back to normal.

You know I don't
wanna leave you in a...

weakened condition.

What are you looking for?

Lightning.

Not funny.

Good night.

Okay, how about a real
one for old time's sake?

♪♪♪

[squeals] Jack.

- Okay, okay, I'm goin'.
- [chuckles]

Oh, wait.

[chuckles]

What'd the dedication say?

"For Suzanne.

Thank you for being there."

Ohh... "And for
having large breasts."

Get outta here.

[chuckles] You're
okay. You know that?

Yeah, you're okay, too.

You know, I might throw
you a no-hitter tomorrow.

Oh, that'd be nice.

I might even, uh,
throw in a home run.

I'll be watchin'.

Oh. One more
thing. I almost forgot.

You know about
that athletic cup?

Yeah.

Now we're even.

♪♪♪