Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 20 - Seams from a Marriage - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]

Oh, I just love this movie.

They're showing Dog Day
Afternoon on TV this week.

Oh, I remember I cried so hard.

Al Pacino robs a bank to pay for
his boyfriend's sex change operation.

You know, what I
don't understand is,

how come you always hear
about men changing into women,

but you hardly ever hear about
women changing into men?

My guess is it would be
too hard to find a donor.

Okay. I finished another one.



Now, tell me. What do you think?

I think they all look like a
police composite of prostitutes.

Oh, Julia, you're just jealous

because you don't draw or paint.

And neither do you.

Vlasko says that I
have a unique quality

unlike anything he's
ever seen before.

Suzanne, Vlasko is
a gigolo from Madrid

who sits by Sissy's pool
all day sipping margaritas.

I'm sick to death of
hearing about the Tates.

It's Sissy this and Shelby that.

Now you're taking art lessons.

Charlene is on the phone
with her half the day.

And Mary Jo seems to have
taken up permanent residence.



You know the one
who's acting the best?

Anthony.

Here is somebody

just recently out of prison
with very little money,

who could easily be
seduced by the Tates' wealth.

But is he? No.

Anthony goes out there,

delivers the furniture,

does his job, and gets out.

You don't see him acting
all ga-ga. [door opens]

How y'all doin'?

I know you're thinking,

"There's something
different about Anthony today,

but I just can't quite
put my finger on it."

Anthony, did you take that
armoire out to the Tates'?

I certainly did.

Isn't that Shelby Tate's hat?

It certainly is.

He says to me this morning,

"Uh, tell me, Anthony,

do you like watermelon?"

And so I'm thinking,

"This is not a good question."

I mean, I'm talking to a guy

who has got four lawn
jockeys on his front porch,

and he's asking me
if I like watermelon.

And suddenly, I see a truckload
of watermelon in my future.

So I say, "Uh, no, Mr. Tate,

"I don't much care
for watermelon,

but I could use a
new pair of tap shoes."

Well, that cracks him up.

So he takes this
hat right off his head

and puts it on mine.

The dude has got
a big head, too.

I'll probably shellac it

and use it as a waste can.

Well, good morning to you.

Morning.

Is it my imagination,
or didn't you

have those same
clothes on yesterday?

I spent the night at Sissy
and Shelby's houseboat.

I can't believe you stayed
out all night with clients!

Neither can I. [chuckles]

I think I just put my
baby-sitter through college.

Well, what were y'all doin'?

Well, you see, Sissy
and Shelby want

this special color in
their master bedroom,

and there's only
one place to find it.

They call it "Sweet Tate
'R' green." [chuckles]

He drove you all the
way out to that lake

just to look at
a life preserver?

Oh, no, no, no. We
flew in the helicopter.

Then they flew up 30 or
40 more of their friends

and a country western band

and a complete
Cajun food buffet.

I mean, you should have
seen that pile of tails and claws.

It looked like some
huge biology exam

with cloth napkins.

Well, you know, I've always
felt it was a bunch of bunk

that rich people weren't happy.

I mean, that's just something
poor people made up

so they wouldn't feel so bad.

Sure seems the rich are
having a very good time.

Now, may I remind
the three of you

before you get any
more stars in your eyes

that this is exactly
what's happened

to all the decorators who
have worked with the Tates.

They get drawn into their lives.

They start going to
parties, accepting gifts,

carousing all night.

And then they either get fired

or quit, whichever comes first.

I wasn't carousing.

At one point, I did
have a party hat on,

but somebody put it on my head.

First, it's Cajun food and
country western music,

and then, before you know
it, they've taken you over,

body and soul.

Well, honestly,
Julia, I don't see why

someone can't enjoy a party
without you making it sound

like there's some
giant pod from space

growing in their basement.

That's exactly what I
was thinking. [chuckles]

Anthony, I think the
van is ready for a reload.

Right. I'm on my way.

Do you know somebody
actually came up to me last night

and offered me $5,000

to redecorate their
daughter's dollhouse?

Can you imagine?

Oh, I would love for
us to take a job like that.

My favorite thing
in the whole world

is the house of miniatures
at Knott's Berry Farm.

They have these two little fleas
dressed up like a bride and groom.

And then in their
little flea house,

they have a little
flea table and chairs,

a little flea bed,
little flea teacups,

- little flea silverware...
- Please, Charlene!

We get the picture.

Oh, Mary Jo, Mary
Jo, did Sissy tell you

she's gonna give us all an
introductory session with her psychic?

This is the same one
that Pia Zadora uses

and the first one to predict
that she'd get out of film.

Charlene, I think that Julia's
heard enough about Sissy

for one day.

Oh, all right. Oh,
just one more thing.

Sissy also has these
peasant women in Scandinavia

who'll actually
grow hair for you!

Charlene!

Here.

And here's my receipt. [clatter]

What was that?

Oh, it's...[chuckles]
It's nothin'.

It's a little bracelet
Sissy gave me. [chuckles]

I didn't want to take
it, but she just insisted

because I got the toilet on
the houseboat unstopped.

I don't know. It's just
this incredible knack

I've always had with plungers.

Wait... just... a minute.

Are you saying that you accepted

a diamond bracelet from her?

Julia, I didn't accept anything!

She just took it off her
wrist and put it on mine.

I mean, I didn't
mean to keep it.

I... I just forgot to return it.

I don't even know
if it's genuine.

Oh, it's genuine, all right.

I took that scarab
ring she gave me

and had it appraised.

Now, you should've asked
me. I could've told you.

I always keep a jeweler's loupe
handy 'cause you never know

when some unexpected person's
gonna force jewelry on you.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

That's the genuine
thing, all right.

It's a nice haul.

It's not a haul.
I'm not keeping it.

Well, I should
certainly hope not.

Julia, if you think
you can do better

handling the Tates
than me, just have at it.

Well, all right, I will.

Fine. More power to you.
As long as you're going, here.

You can return
the bracelet for me.

Along with the
matching earrings.

♪♪ [theme]

Back so soon. How did it go?

Couldn't have gone better.

I simply explained
to Sissy and Shelby

that we want to do the
best possible job for them,

and in order to do that,
we have to maintain

a certain professional distance.

And they agreed with that?

Of course. They
didn't have any choice.

When I admired their stables,
they wanted to give me a horse.

I turned them down.

And when I refused that,
they insisted on taking me

to New Orleans for dinner.

I just flat-out said
no to everything.

[knock at door]

I'll get it.

You see, there's a way

of being kind but
nevertheless firm,

- letting people know
who's in charge.
- Julia.

Your horse is here.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

I don't know,
Suzanne. I really think

you ought to talk to
somebody about this,

you know, the fact that you
keep drawing the same face

over and over.

You know, now
that I look at it, it...

it's Bambi!

You're drawing Bambi!

Bambi with bangs,
Bambi with a bun,

Bambi with barrettes,
but it's definitely Bambi!

That is not Bambi!

I'm much deeper than that.

And I would appreciate it if you
wouldn't go around saying that

when Sissy has my exhibit.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

I for one like Bambi.

I've just never seen
him in full makeup.

[ring]

Sugarbakers'.

Oh, hi, Sissy.

No, Julia's not down yet.

You know, she lives upstairs.

She's usually down by 9.

She... She went to
Miami with Shelby?

Well, Sissy, I'm sure they had

a very good reason.

They wanted to eat stone crabs.

Now, Sissy, there has
to be more to it than that.

I don't think Julia'd
fly 1,000 miles

just to get herself
a plastic bib

that says, "I made a pig
of myself at Stoneseifers."

[door closes] Sissy, I gotta go.

I'll call you later.

- Well?
- Good morning.

Julia, where've you been?

I've just been out for
a little morning walk.

Look at her. She's lyin'.

You can always tell because
she keeps her head down like that.

We know where
you've been, Julia.

You were in Miami with Shelby.

And I think you owe
us an explanation.

Well, all right. I
did go to Miami,

but I can assure you

it was strictly business.

[Mary Jo] I can see that.

I can't believe I
still have this on.

Fell asleep on the plane.

And you got mad at me
for wearing a party hat?

Up till now, I didn't
realize how busy Shelby is,

and when you're running
an empire, time is money.

I still fail to see
what this has to do

with your going to
Miami with Shelby.

It is very simple. It's
the only time Shelby had

to look at the blueprints
for his dressing room.

Uh-huh. And just
how'd you get this bib?

Oh. I got that because
I ate more crabs

than three All-State
Insurance salesmen from Illinois

who also made it to the finals.

You know, Julia, for
somebody who thought

we were getting too
involved with the Tates,

it seems like you're getting
awfully involved yourself.

Yeah. If you ask me, I
think Sissy's getting jealous.

Jealous?! Don't be ridiculous.

Sissy isn't jealous of me.

Good morning, ladies.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Malcolm Box,
private investigator.

And you're Julia Sugarbaker.

Yes, I am. What
may I do for you?

Well, I was just outside,

admiring the Sugarbakers'
exterior ambiance,

and if you don't
mind my saying so,

you got a pretty
nice one yourself.

Get to the point.

I see my charm has eluded you.

Could you be kind
enough to verify

that this is you
and Mr. Shelby Tate

getting on his private
jet to go to Miami?

Yes, well, I had

just tripped on the stairs,

and he was trying to help me up.

May I ask, what
is all this about?

Well, you see, I
work for Mrs. Tate.

And my job is to
follow Mr. Tate,

and, you know, it's not easy

because, as you know, he's got

his own private jet and
I gotta go commercial.

[Mary Jo] Well, ex...

What I don't understand is,

why do you follow Mr. Tate?

Because Mrs. Tate wants to know

if he's having any fun.

And if he does, I write it down.

I record it just in case
she wants to use it

for any future
divorce proceedings.

Oh, no! This is terrible!
I've been counseling her!

I... I wouldn't worry about it.

They've been gonna get
divorced for the past 16 years.

You know, I didn't
always look like this.

I used to have other clients...

a wife, kids.

Then I got mixed
up with the Tates.

You know he's been
down the Nile six times?

That arctic expedition,
that nearly killed me.

First my sled broke down.

Then the dogs turned on me.

Excuse me. I have no
intention of signing anything.

And now I would appreciate it

if you would take your
dirty, little briefcase

and your dirty, little mind

and get out of our
nice, clean store.

[Box] Okay.

But I can tell you that, uh,

Mrs. Tate doesn't look kindly

on people who don't
sign the verification.

And I don't look kindly

on people who have me followed.

I can make it worth your while.

I have a better idea.
Why don't you take that

and buy yourself
a new trenchcoat.

Hey, if you think I look bad,

you ought to see the guy
who's following Mrs. Tate.

[telephone rings]

Not now. You'll
have to call back.

Well... so much for
Sissy not being jealous.

Suzanne, don't start with me.

I hardly think that
I should be blamed

because Sissy has an
over-active imagination

and the bank
account to finance it.

Well, maybe not, but
none of the rest of us

went off with her
husband for the night.

You just went to all the parties

and let the gifts roll
in by the truckload.

Excuse me,

but I let you return
my diamond bracelet.

We, on the other
hand, have no proof

that you returned your horse!

Well, of course I did!

You know good and well

that Anthony took
him back out there.

Did you get a receipt?

I especially would not be eager

to hear a lecture on gift giving

from the queen of
sucking up to the rich.

And just what exactly is
that supposed to mean?

All right, let's be honest.

How many of those
has Sissy bought so far?

18.

But I don't
consider that a gift.

I consider that an investment.

And I think it's very mean
of you to suggest otherwise.

- Well, you just called me
a horse thief!
- I did not!

Well, you asked her
if she got a receipt.

Well, at least I don't
have a Rolex watch

in the bottom of my drawer.

[gasps] How'd you know that?

I was looking for
my alimony checks.

Charlene! I cannot believe

you kept a Rolex watch!

I... I wasn't keeping it.

I was just holding
it in detention.

- Until when?
- Till my conscience
got the better of me.

That's about four days away.

Oh, and you're a fine
one to talk, Mary Jo.

Your diamond bracelet's
worth a lot more than my Rolex.

[ring] Get lost!

Listen, I'm getting
sick and tired

of you always going
through my drawers.

You're always looking
for those blasted checks.

From now on, you can
keep 'em in your own desk!

I don't have a desk!

Well, maybe
Sissy'll buy you one!

Now, wait just a
minute, Charlene.

[all talking at once]

Can I just ask you a...

Can I ask a question?

[All] No!

Will you listen to us.

Arguing about a bunch of stuff

that doesn't amount
to a hill of beans,

hanging up on customers.

Ignoring potential clients

who are standing in
the middle of our store?

What is happening to us?

I'm sorry.

Me, too. I'm sorry.

Me, too. Um...

Here. I don't need the watch.

I've got Mickey.

Okay, I think it's time
we made a decision.

Are we gonna be in the Sissy
and Shelby Tate business?

Or are we gonna become the
Sugarbakers we set out to be,

treating each
individual customer,

regardless of finances,

with the same care,
concern, and attention?

- "B."
- What?

The answer's "B."

That's right. I vote for "B."

Me, too. "B."

Well, then I say let's drive

right out to the
Tates' right now

and quit before we
change our minds.

- All right.
- All right.

Ah. And we have

this wonderful
person to thank...

Joan Q. Public.

How may we be of service to you?

I just wanted to
use your bathroom.

♪♪♪

What we're saying is,

Sugarbakers' is
still a small firm,

and your need is
greater than our supply.

You deal in his and her jets,
we deal in his and her towels.

We have other clients to serve.

We can't just fly off to
Kansas City or Miami

every time you need to
see a new fabric swatch.

And no amount of Rolex
watches or diamond bracelets

is gonna change that.

So, what do you
need? More money?

You've given us enough
money. We just feel that...

That we're in way
over our heads.

Maybe by infinity.

Oh, and, Sissy, I
want you to know

I really do appreciate the
watch and the perfume.

You're returnin'
the perfume, too?

Oh, yeah, but it's got
nothing to do with this.

See, I just decided
last TV season

that if John
Forsythe is too stupid

to tell Linda Evans
from an imposter,

I can't wear his cologne.

Then I guess I'll
have to send back

the Mustang
convertible, then, too.

What Mustang convertible?

The one I ordered for you. You said
you were havin' trouble with your car.

Well, I was, but it
was just... What color?

Uh, navy with a camel top.

- Automatic?
- Mm-hmm.

I was just kiddin'.

All of this is
your fault, Sissy.

If you hadn't had
that idiot Malcolm

followin' Julia and me,
they wouldn't be quittin' now.

Well, Mr. Peace Ambassador
to the United Nations,

you call off your
dogs, I'll call off mine.

I just want to say that you don't
have to pay for my sketches.

Unless, of course,
you honestly love them.

Oh, but I do!

Shelby loves them, too!

That's right. They
remind me of some friends

I made in the Navy.

We'd better get going.

Now, just a minute. Not so fast.

I don't mind tellin' you
I don't like this one bit.

Okay. So, Sissy and I
are a little unorthodox.

So what? That's
what makes things

worth gettin' up
in the mornin' for.

Stirrin' things up. Doin'
things a little different.

You know.

And what's money, anyway?

Oh, it's just a bunch of paper

that you trade in for
things that you want.

But if you can't spend
it on people you like,

what's the point in
keepin' it around?

That's a very good point.

Well, I just can't even stand
the thought of y'all quittin'.

I have grown to
love each one of you.

Mary Jo, always so
anxious to please.

I mean, if I say,
"I like beige,"

she'll say, "Yes, beige is good.

Beige goes with everything."

Then when Shelby says
he hates beige, she'll say,

"On the other hand, beige
can be incredibly boring."

Suzanne with her
sketches and the chest

that I still don't
believe isn't silicone.

[chuckles]

And that cat-that-ate-
the-canary grin.

Charlene, my darlin',
wonderful new friend.

The only woman I know likes
to talk on the phone more'n me.

I promise I won't let you down.

I will find a way to give Waylon
Jennings your phone number.

They have the same accountant.

Sorry about the
private detective, Julia.

I was conductin'
business as usual,

but I forgot

that you are as
unintimidatable as I am.

Same soul... different package.

[Julia chuckles]

Shelby, do somethin'.

I can't stand for them to quit.

They're our most favorite
decorators we ever had.

How about it, ladies?

You're breakin' Sissy's heart.

Can't you stay around
a couple of weeks

and finish the job?

W-Would you promise

if... if we did stay
to finish the job

that things would be conducted

in a more business-like fashion?

Well, heck, yes.

If that's what you want.

We were just
tryin' to be friendly.

No more gifts?

No more fights.

No more phone calls?

You got it.

Mmm... all right.

It's just for a couple of weeks.

Oh, I'm so excited!

Come on, let's just get right
to work, right in this room.

- I've been dyin' to change this...
- Now, wait a minute.

Just a minute. Hold on.

Y'all got at least 36 other
rooms to choose from.

I like this room the way it is.

Shelby, darlin', I've
been wantin' to redecorate

usin' the colors in this vase.

Sissy, this is a gun room.

You want to
decorate for that vase,

we'll build you a vase room.

What do you think, Mary Jo?

Well, uh... a vase
room would be nice.

But a gun room is nice, too.

You ever think of
running for president?

Maybe we should
pick another room.

No, I... I got my
heart set on this one,

and Shelby's just
being a jackass.

How can you act this way
when we just got through

promisin' to be business-like?!

Because a man has to
draw the line somewhere.

And this is my room.

These are my trophies.

This is my gun... my ammunition.

So if I have to,
I'll fight to keep it.

No, that won't be necessary.

We agree. A man's room
is his castle. Right, ladies?

Absolutely.

Well, I don't like
anything about it.

And furthermore,
I am sick and tired

of lookin' at things
that have been dead

15 or 20 years,

and even more sick and tired

of them lookin' back at me!

So. You're set
on doin' this room

to match that vase?

You bet I am.

What's your second choice?

Shelby, hon, you're
makin' a big mess in here,

and I do not appreciate it.

I do not like it!

What do you
propose to do about it?

How do you like it so far?

Uh, don't bother showing us to
the door. We know the way out.

I wish you hadn't
done that, darlin'.

I had a real
affinity for that one.

Now you went and made me mad.

Emergency evacuation now!

Run for your life.

[Mary Jo] Last one to
the car gets Anthony!

All I can say, Anthony,
is I'm glad you were there

to drive the getaway van.

Isn't that the truth?
We might've been killed.

[Anthony] I would've gotten
us all to the electric gate

if the guard hadn't stopped us.

Well, at least we
proved that Sugarbakers'

doesn't belong to anybody
but us. That's called integrity.

But you gotta admit...

they really know how
to say they're sorry.

We're trapped. We deserve it.

Well, like I always
say, there's integrity...

and then there's mink.

♪♪♪

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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