Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 18 - Oh, Suzannah - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Mary Jo, why don't
you take a look at this?

Here's a guy who's been
kidnapped by terrorists.

What I don't understand

is when these
guys get kidnapped,

they look like professors,

with dorky haircuts and glasses.

Then when they get
released, they have beards,

and they're all rugged and sexy.

They're hot, you know?

Then the state department
gets a hold of them.



When they're released,
gives them haircuts,

makes them look
like dorks again.

It's a national
disgrace, isn't it?

Julia, I told you,

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

Suzanne, I don't think
you have any idea

what you have just done here.

Becoming a foster parent,

even if it is for just a month,

is a serious responsibility.

Who's becoming a foster parent?

I thought you were at
Reese's signing legal papers.

Well, we were.

But while we were there,



Reese's partner, Burton Riffle,

asked if we just might
happen to know anybody

who would like to keep a
little Vietnamese boat child

for a month.

He's representing this
couple in Birmingham

who's adopting her.

But there are some
legal problems,

and they can't have
custody of her for four weeks.

So Suzanne just pipes
up and offers her services,

like she's been
doing this all her life.

Julia, for your information,

I've probably raised more pets

than anybody in this room.

You mothers are all like.

There's nothing mysterious
about raising kids.

They're just like adults,

except they're smaller.

Right.

The most incredible
thing of all is

this little girl is
arriving today.

What... you mean
today, like in, today?

You got it.

Well, so, that's no big deal.

I'll just call Consuela up

and tell her to cook
something real nice.

Maybe some goose over pâté

and duck with peppercorns.

Good choice.

I know those are two
things that my children

just can't get enough of.

Have they called yet?

30 minutes ago, they were
on their way from the airport.

Where have you been?

Well, I thought I should
have a present for Li Sing,

so I got her this briefcase.

Suzanne, kids don't
carry briefcases.

They have backpacks.

I mean, this is
so big and heavy.

So, I'll get her a
little luggage wheel.

She can pull it to school.

They're here. Burton's
car just pulled up.

Oh, my gosh.

I haven't even
checked my makeup.

I'm going to be in the bathroom.

- Y'all just stall for me.
- [doorbell rings]

Okay, now, let's not
all come at her at once.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, there.

Hi. Y'all come in and sit down.

Now, Li Sing, this is Julia.

Hi, Li Sing.

My, that's such a pretty dress.

Is it new?

Yes, my missionary
mom made it for me.

I'm a First Baptist.

You are? You are?

Isn't that something? So am I.

Hi, Li Sing, I'm Charlene.

I know a lot of songs.

- I know "Jesus Loves Me."
- That's great.

We're gonna have to go to
church and sing up a storm.

Hi, Li Sing. My name's Mary Jo.

- Hi.
- Do you know what?

I have a little boy
named Quinton

and a little girl named Claudia.

We just can't wait for you

to come over to
our house and play.

[Burton] Oh, there you are.

Suzanne, this is Li Sing.

Oh, I know who this is.

Well, I've just been
waiting for you all day.

So, how are you, Li Sing?

Mama!

I know a song about you.

You do? What is it?

♪ Oh, Susanna ♪

♪ Don't you cry for me ♪

♪ I'll be coming
back from Alabam ♪

♪ With a banjo on my knee ♪

Well, that's very good.

No wonder they call you Li Sing.

Come on over here, honey.

Finish up your hot chocolate.

I like that sparkly
stuff on your pajamas.

You do?

Well, maybe I'll get you some.

Oh, for crying out
loud, my soul and body.

Looka there.
Chipped my best nail.

Wow.

Where did you get
all these crowns?

I won them in beauty pageants.

You must be the prettiest
woman in the world.

Well, I like to think so.

Can I wear one?

Well, sure you can.

Let's see, I'll pick you
out a real nice one.

Now this one, here,
I got this when I was

Queen of the Azalea Festival.

Wow.

Is this your family?

Uh-huh.

Let's see.

That's my mama with
Julia when she was little,

and that's my mama
with me when I was little.

And that's Julia's son Payne,

and that's our grandmother.

My family is in heaven.

They are?

Mmm-hmm.

Everybody went
to heaven together,

but me and Noni.

Well, who's Noni?

My little brother.

He died at the orphanage.

But I know he's
in heaven now, too

because he played Baby
Jesus in the Christmas play.

Well,

if I'm going to be taking
you to school tomorrow,

I guess we'd better
be getting to bed.

You sure you want
to sleep with me?

I'm sure.

Oops, for crying out
loud, my soul and body,

I'm sorry.

Oh, honey, that's all right.

Consuela will
clean that right up.

Come on.

"Dear little one, I
wish two things...

To give you roots,
to give you wings."

My grandmother gave that to me

when I was about your age.

What does it mean?

Well, it means...

Well, it's a little
hard to explain,

but you'll understand
when you're older.

You come on, get into bed.

Okay.

Oh, honey, you
can't wear that to bed.

It's going to be
uncomfortable to sleep in.

Oh, please? I
promise, I'll be careful.

All right.

But now, you got
to lie on your back

if you're going
to sleep in a tiara.

Not that I ever have.

They grow up so fast

when you have a birthday
party every seven days.

Okay, I know y'all think I'm
going overboard with this,

but I only have a
month to make an imprint

that'll last a lifetime.

Suzanne, I, for one,

think that you're getting
too involved with this child.

I just hope you're gonna be
able to give her up next week.

Oh, Julia,

Just because I've enjoyed
having Li Sing around,

- doesn't mean...
- [doorbell rings]

doesn't mean that I want to take
her to raise, for crying out loud.

I mean, I have a very
full life of my own as it is,

thank you very much.

Besides, we haven't
gotten that close, anyway.

Hi, sweetheart, how's
my little pumpkin?

Fine.

Mwah. Mwah.

Did Consuela pick
you up on time?

Uh-huh. Guess what?

I made an "A-" on
my spelling test.

Oh, well, that's just great.

What's the minus for?

I misspelled tractor.

The teacher said
the "O" was an "E".

Well, I can't believe that.

Looks like an "O" to me.
Doesn't that look like an "O"?

That could be an "O".

Could be? That is an "O".

I can't believe she
counted off for this.

What do you need to know
something like that for, anyway?

It's not like you're
gonna grow up

to be a tractor
driver or something.

Why can't they teach
you something useful,

- like how
to spell "pantyhose"?
- [door opens, closes]

- Hey, everybody.
- Hi, Anthony.

Anthony!

Excuse me, Suzanne,
have you seen Li Sing?

[laughs] I'm Li Sing.

Well, I can't believe it.

You look just like Suzanne.

I know.

Well, it's a good thing
you straightened me out,

because I might have given
this to the wrong person.

Thank you.

Okay, we can open
Anthony's present later.

First, I want you
to open this one.

Okay.

Wait till you see this.

It's from me.
You're gonna love it.

Do you know what that is?

MasterCharge!

I feel so foolish.

I bought a doll.

Li Sing, what do we say

when we use our credit card?

Charge it!

Suzann, I think we're gon'
have to have a little talk.

Excuse me, but I'm
delivering a pony out back.

A pony? I got a pony? Yay!

You weren't supposed
to say it out loud.

It's a surprise,
for Pete's sake.

It's pretty
disgusting, isn't it?

Really? A credit card for a kid?

No, her limit. It's
bigger than mine.

Yeah, just be glad you have one.

How you think it makes me feel?

I don't even have a credit card.

You don't have a credit card?

Well, I did have one
until the accident.

What accident?

I accidentally gave
it to a store clerk

who called in for approval.

Oh, for Pete's sake, come on!

You have to come see my pony!

In a minute, now, Li Sing.

But first you have to
blow out your candles

before all the ice cream melts.

Suzanne, this thing is
getting way out of hand.

She is never gonna want to go
with those other people next week.

Julia, not now. It's
Li Sing's birthday.

You go ahead, honey.
You make a wish.

What should I wish for?

Anything you want.

I wish... I wish I could
stay with you forever.

Julia, have you said
anything to Suzanne

about, you know, Li Sing?

Yes, I have.

I was over there last night
at a picnic in the backyard.

Of course, it's a little
difficult to prove a point

about spoiling a child

while bobbing up and
down on a merry-go-round.

You know, I don't
know why more people

can't raise their kids
the way Andy Taylor did.

I don't think I
know Andy Taylor.

Oh, sure you do. Andy Griffith
on the "Andy Griffith Show."

You know, Opie had to
work for everything he got.

When he did make a mistake, or
he wanted to do something stupid,

Andy never just came
right out and said no.

Like the time Opie wanted
to move out when he was 11

and get his own place.

Well, Andy helped him
save his little allowance,

which, if I remember right, at
the time was 50 cents a week,

and Andy put that
money in the bank.

So instead of having
a big fight about it,

Opie's all the time thinking that
someday he's gonna own this house.

Even though Andy knew full well

what the property
values were in Mayberry,

and at the rate of 50
cents a week, you'd be 82

before you could even afford
the inside of an outhouse.

You know, when you get right
down to it, Andy tricked Opie.

I wish I hadn't started
this. Now I'm upset.

- Hi.
- [Charlene] Hi, you two.

- [Anthony] Hey.
- [Mary Jo] Hi.

We just stopped by
on our way to the zoo.

Well, actually,
Li Sing was upset

because she forgot
her little Teddy Ruxpin.

There he is.

Hey, wait a minute. Are
you talking about this bear?

Unh-unh. This is my bear.

This is a personal
friend of mine.

We ride to work every day,

we dress alike, we even
have the same hairdo.

[laughs] This is my bear.

- Oh, she's a cold woman.
- [telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, she is. Just a moment,
please. Julia, it's for you.

Thank you.

Hello.

Yes, Burton. Yes.
As a matter of fact,

Suzanne and Li Sing
are here right now.

You know what, Li Sing?

I have an ice cream sandwich
over there in that refrigerator.

- Would you like
to take it with you?
- Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, ma'am.

Bad manners are worse
than having no money.

Oh, no.

It hasn't been a month yet.

Well, couldn't they
just... Oh, okay.

Yeah, I understand.

I'll tell her. Bye.

Well, the papers
have been approved.

Li Sing's parents
are coming tomorrow.

I wish I could stay with you.

I know, but you can't.
We've been all through that.

I wish I could
stay at this school.

I like this school.

And there's this girl
named Dora Maude,

and everyday in the
lunchroom, she says,

"Hey, Li Sing, you gonna get
you another big old biscuit?"

She's so cute.

I just love the way she talks.

Well, you're gonna make
a lot of other new friends

you'll like just as well as
the one you've made here.

I don't want to
make new friends.

I want to stay with you.

Oh, go on.

You're just saying that
'cause I give you presents.

No, I'm not. If you let me stay,

I'll give all the
presents back...

except maybe for the pony.

You're getting to be more
and more like me every day.

Well, tomorrow's a big day,

so you better get into bed.

Okay, but I have
to say my prayers.

Oh, right.

Dear God, thank you for Jesus.

Thank you for Suzanne.

Please let me stay
here, but if I can't,

then please help these people
get my pony to Birmingham.

Amen.

Good night, Suzanne.

Good night.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Well, I just can't imagine
what's keeping Suzanne.

She's always late, but
never an hour and a half late.

Well, tell me, Mr. Shelton,

how long have you
been a shoe salesman?

That is something that
has always fascinated me.

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Julia, it's Suzanne.

Yes, I recognize the voice.

Well, we just stopped
off at Kendall's for lunch,

and, well, Li Sing's been
playing their video machines,

and she's just racking
up free games like crazy.

What's the problem?

Well, the problem is...

I don't want to bring her back.

I'll be right there.

Li Sing, it's all right.

It's going to be all right.

Now would you
please go over there

and play the video
games a little bit more?

I want to talk to Suzanne.

Okay. Don't cry.
I'll be right back.

Well, I sure made a mess
of things this time, didn't I?

Not yet.

In a few more hours,
they'll be talking kidnapping.

I wish I'd never met her.

She thinks I'm wonderful.

She even loves my cooking.

You don't cook.

Well, I know that,
but she doesn't.

Li Sing's the first
person who's...

ever loved me just for me.

She's not the first.

She's the third.

What, do you mean
my ex-husbands?

No, silly. Mother and me.

We love you just for you.

Yes, but you don't
think I can do anything.

That's not true.

I just said I didn't think

you were cut out to be a mother.

You mean, unlike the 4
billion other women on earth?

Thanks a lot.

But you do something
nobody else can do.

What?

I don't know what it is,

exactly, that you do.

I just know nobody
else is doing it.

Or can do it like you do.

You giving away your pillow?

Yeah.

I wanted Li Sing to have it,

since I'll probably
never have a little girl.

I think Grandma would like that.

Yeah.

I remember when
she made these for us.

Roots and wings.

We sure got our
share, didn't we?

Suzanne,

I'm gonna say
something pretty harsh,

but I'm saying it
because I love you.

Just once in your life,

don't put yourself first.

I'm not, Julia. I'm
thinking of Li Sing.

No, you're not. You're
not thinking at all.

You know in your heart

that she's better
off with this couple.

If you truly love her
like you say you do,

give her wings.

I just didn't expect
to fall in love with her.

I know you're right.

I know.

Okay, I'll do it.

I'm so happy for you.

Why?

Because... now you
know what it feels like

to be a mother.

"It is my pleasure to
give you my treasure."

Oh, look, Bill, isn't
this a beautiful card?

I'll say.

She made it for you last night.

And she wrote the poem herself.

As you can see, both "pleasure"
and "treasure" are spelled right.

This from a person they
said couldn't spell "tractor".

Very impressive.

Bill, it's getting late.

If you're going back
to Birmingham tonight,

- you better get going.
- I'm awfully sorry
we kept you waiting so long.

Well, that's all right. [crying]

I'm just glad we
finally have her.

Look, Suzanne, a linen hanky.

That's a mark of good breeding.

- Uh, Rosalind?
- Uh-huh?

Well, there's a few things

I forgot to put on that list
of instructions I gave you.

Well, that's all right. We
do have other children.

Oh, I know,

but these are
special for Li Sing.

You see, if you
have any silk sheets,

well, she's just crazy for them.

Also, we have hot
chocolate every night,

and there's a little tiara

in one of her suitcases
that she likes to sleep in.

Thank you. I'll remember that.

Oh, and she just loves
a little caviar on a saltine

just before bed.

But, uh... we can talk later.

I'll give you a call.

Oh, please do. We'd
love to hear from you...

I think.

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

Thank you all
again for everything.

Good-bye, Suzanne.

Good-bye.

Go. Just go.

You know, this
is a beautiful card.

We just might
have to frame this.

No one told me that
you could draw so well.

I sing, too.

No. What can you sing?

- Lots of things.
- Yeah? Like what?

Well... like...

♪ Oh, Susanna,
don't you cry for me ♪

♪ I'm coming back from Alabam ♪

♪ With a banjo on my knee ♪

♪ Oh, Susanna,
don't you cry for me ♪