Defending the Guilty (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

Behold. @SneakyBarrister.

So, I write, "Will
from 60 Bedford Row

"slept with a juror named Selina."

This will not do. You've got to
start doing

what's best for the situation,

not running around like
a wide-eyed truth puppy

shitting in his own breakfast.

Everybody wants lovely
bad things sometimes,

or maybe a lot of the time.

You just choose the good things.

This is bad. This is really bad.



Mm. I know. The question is, do we
hang out here,

sniffing each other's arse fumes,

or do we work together,
hunt her down, crush her?

You guys scheme your evil schemes.
Just don't get me involved.

John came round drunk

while I was working late,
and I ended up wanking him off

into the Chambers cafetiere.

You did what? Can I have a takeaway
coffee in the morning?

WILL: Yeah. Sure.

DANIELLE: I still can't work out

how the whole
cafetiere thing got out.

I kind of feel like I just need to
get you out of my system

and, like, maybe you just need
to get me out of your system.

If you need a rewind,
make an effort.



Take me somewhere nice.

Or be good.

TANNOY: This is the 12.15 service
from Bath Spa to London Paddington.

Here we are, home again. Sure.

Come on, lift it, don't drag it.
Sorry.

Caroline! There you are. How was
Bath?

It was a police case, wasn't it?

Three days turning some boys in blue
into pot-potpourri.

Seriously, though, the police will
probably have to shut down

after what I did to them,

so...stay away from Bath, I guess.

Oh, a trial in the regions, eh?
Takes me back.

Disputing by day,
carousing by night,

holed up in a hotel
with your best girl

while your second-best girl
is none the wiser in town.

CHUCKLES

Well, that's how it was
in the old days, of course.

Not now.

No, of course not.

Caroline, is it all right if I go?

I'm late for this
mock trial thing. Sure.

He's all excited
for Ashley's little panto.

Ahhh! So eager.

Takes you back.

Give us a hand with
these bags, will you?

I said not to be intimate at work.

The 60 Bedford Row Mock Trial
is all about big fun

yet simultaneously a
very serious matter.

You'll be crossing wits
in front of a jury

of senior tenants from Chambers.

Now, they know you've never
been on your feet in court before,

and they don't expect
the complete package.

That said, this is the only
time they will hear you speak

before voting on your Chambers
membership in six months' time.

Now, the witnesses will be
played by professional actors

and the judge will be
one Mr Ashley Jeevaratnam.

Only a matter of time, Your Honour.

ASHLEY LAUGHS

That's very funny. Really...

..excellent humour.

So, shall we pick
sides? Where's Pia?

Not... Doesn't matter.

Liam, could you write
down the names? Yep.

Use these Post-its.
Thank you...Your Honour.

Is this where you stayed in Bath?
Looks fancy.

Yeah, erm, had a deal on.

Got to use the spa and
everything. It was lovely.

Spa? Ooh!

Thank you, Counsel.
Now, the Counsel for the Defence

will be - drum roll -

Liam and...

..Danielle... Classic!

..which means the prosecution
will be Will and Pia.

That's that. Your clients will be
ready for conference in ten minutes.

Thank you. Thanks, Ashley.

Proper actors.
This is going to be awesome!

Oh, my God, we should have
a really funny bet,

where the losers have to
lick the floor clean, like dogs.

You don't want to bet on this, Liam.
Your guy is guilty as.

Plus Pia's a machine, so...

He should probably know.

Know what?

Pia's had a bit of a breakdown.

Even the minor barristers have
stopped giving her work

after the whole...cafetiere
thing came out.

Last we heard, she was doing
admin work for the clerks.

What a waste of a degree.

PIA: # My old man
said follow the van

# And don't dilly-dally on the way

# So I dillied and dallied

# Dallied and dillied... #

Why do you think I'm glad
to get the Duke of Lamebridge?

# ...Lost my way and don't know
where to roam... #

Hey, Will. You back from Bath?

Er, yeah.

What's all that?

Oh, it's not so bad. It's just
three years of old accounts

I have to copy into
the Chambers new software.

It's saving Chambers hundreds
and it really takes up my days.

PIA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Still feeling confident?

Wow! They look real.

Good actors.

Best I take the lead. As a
presence, I'm more reassuring.

You look half-dwarf.

They want legal advice,

not a mighty suit of armour.

Hello!

Hi, I'm Phillip.
And I'm Hannah, Phillip's wife.

Liam Mingay. And this is Ms
Sadler, my learned junior.

WHISPERS
You human stretch mark.

Very pleased to meet you.

There's been a
terrible injustice, Mr Mingay.

Well, you can count on me.

And Ms Sadler. But mostly me.

Why don't you tell me what
happened in your own words?

Tell me what happened
in your own words.

I killed Dieter Trabajo.

But Dieter Trabajo
would have killed me first.

It's damn good to talk.

I've been festering in custody

ever since my arraignment at
plea before venue

in the Magistrates' Court.
Ooh, nice. Done your research.

Sorry, can we try not to break
scene, please,

make it as real as possible?

Oh, right. Sorry, that's me.

No, that's OK.
You weren't to know.

All cool. Just...we do this
to ply our craft, not for the money.

Though the money is good.

The money's fine.

Do go on, Phillip.

Yeah, again, can we
not break the scene?

I didn't. Did I?

You did, you said...

Sorry.

The thing is my real name
is Phillip, as well,

and I thought you were addressing
me Phillip,

not the character Phillip.

It helps us stay natural
if we keep the same names.

Right. Of course.

Let's try again.

Phillip...

Yes? Sorry, caught me off guard.
I wasn't in character.

Yes?

What is she doing?

Why would she ask Liam out for a
drink? She must be an alien

looking to harvest his organs.

It's a long way to come for Liam.

He's a unique specimen,

the only being in the galaxy
made entirely of rectum.

Why did you bring her?
She needed company.

I can't believe we
let her get like this.

Leave it out right now.

I am not taking responsibility
for her malfunction.

The cafetiere story got out.
These things do.

No-one's fault. Yep.

Good point. No...no-one's fault.

There we are agreed.

Here she is.

Hey.

Oh, this is nice.

I've missed you so much.

Right back at ya!

You seem perky.

Travelodge didn't get you down?

Er, no, it was great.

You remember Danielle?

Hey.

I'll get you a vodka and lime.
Thank you.

He seems happy.

Hotel living must suit him.

Yeah, loved the spa, apparently.

It's exciting,

working with ac-tors.

Never even met an actor before.

Really? You've been a bit closeted.

Yeah... Well, maybe I have.

Never met all sorts of people.

Never met a...

..bricklayer.

Or a sailor.

I mean, I've only seen
chefs at a distance.

Right!

My parents are both barristers.
Oh, wow. No pressure, then.

Oh, no. No, no, God, no.

I mean, it would be
if they were sort of

breathing down my neck all the time,

but, luckily, I've got a whole, you
know, floor of the house to myself.

Another drink, Ms Newport?

If that is your real name.

I mean, that's not my real name.

I'm Hannah Jerrold.

Hannah Newport was
the character's name.

Oh, right, gotcha!

How... How do I tell the difference?

Maybe you can't.

Maybe I'm still in character now
and I've lured you here.

To seduce me?

Jesus, Liam. That's a bit off.

Fuck. Sorry, it's stupid.

No, maybe, though.

I'll get you another drink.

Ooh, Pia, this is Nessa.

Hi. I'm Will's girlfriend.

Which one?

What?

What?

# Da-da-da! #

You two met?

Yeah.

PHONE BUZZES

Morning, Caroline.

Get my e-mail last night?

Yep, got it.
Smash-and-grabber going not guilty.

Where are we today?

Who am I, your secretary?
Look it up. See you then.

All right. Thanks. Bye.

Evidence summaries?

Yep, tabbed and bullet-pointed.

And what about his previous?

All relevant, unfortunately.
Mm-hm.

How are you going
for this mock trial?

Not going to cock it up, are you?

Don't think so. Pretty
confident, if I'm honest.

Really? Unusually swaggering of you.

How's your cross?

My cross-examination is...
pretty good, actually.

"Pretty goodnot good enough.
It's the only thing that matters.

Ask me where I got this tarte tatin.
Where did you get the tarte tatin?

Wrong. Keep the questions closed.
Control the info. Ask again.

You didn't buy that
tarte tatin, did you?

No. Did you steal it
from the Chambers fridge?

Yes, yes, I did. Good.

Mm!

Cross-examination is
all about the mentality.

The other side are trying
to bake something.

It's your job to smash the
eggs and piss in the sugar.

You've got to really want
to fuck things up.

First rule is to listen.

80% of witnesses
will screw themselves.

Just watch me today.

So, let's get this straight.

A scooter screeches up outside
the Sunglasses Hut, a man jumps off,

smashes the window with a hammer
and grabs fistfuls of...?

Sunglasses.

Ray-Bans, Persol.

You were close enough
to see the brands?

I thought you were across the road.

Well, I was just giving examples.

I mean, they could
have been Ray-Bans.

Well, that's good enough, isn't it?

If they don't do it themselves,
just ask them irrelevant stuff.

Which hand was the hammer in?

The right, I think.

Cross-reference it.
Stuff starts to build.

The left. He had
his helmet in the right.

So what did he
grab the sunglasses with?

He must have scooped
them into his helmet.

He left his helmet on his motorbike.

They're playing the tape
over and over in their head,

and it's faded as fuck and they're
pretending like it's Blu-ray.

You can't be sure
he had the helmet on.

No, I'm certain he did.

So you recognised him how?

I mean, it will take you
ages to get that good,

but once the mind-set clicks,
plain sailing.

WILL: OK, so that's
the case strategy.

I'd suggest that I do the opening
note and maybe you speak second.

Great. OK.

Except, actually, Will,
would you mind if I didn't speak?

Come on, Pia. You've got
to get out of this funk,

seize the day. You know, plus,
if you don't speak, we will lose.

We'll lose anyway.

No-one likes me, Will.

I work hard, I'm nice to everyone,

but it's like Ancient
Greek camp all over again,

except this time I don't know
what I've done wrong.

No... No, neither do I.

If someone told me what I'd done,
then maybe I could fix it.

I mean...

..who can say? Er, you know?

And the thing is we
all make mistakes,

but whatever we've done
wrong, it's fixable.

So perhaps you can fix it this
afternoon with your performance.

Whatever we've done wrong is
fixable. That's it.

As in, whatever you've done wrong,
because I haven't done anything.

DANIELLE: All right, losers?
I'm vocally warm,

I've probed every
flaw in your argument

and I've memorised
a shitload of quotes.

Seen Liam?
Right behind you.

Ready to rock?

You bet we are. Aren't we, Pia?

Better watch out, Liam,
she is psychopumped.

In fact, better eat two dinners,

cos she's going to
slice you a new arsehole.

Well, I'm sure we'll all be great
in our own way.

The important thing to remember is,
this is a huge privilege.

Fuck me. You banged the wife.

No, not "bang".
Not "bang", Danielle.

We walked home, we talked...

..and eventually, as the moon
shone in on her suburban studio...

Oh, screw it, I'm in love.

You bell-end. No, I'm not
going to respond to that.

Instead, I'm going to wish you
this feeling I have right now,

because I'm a new Liam,
and I feel alive.

ALL EXCLAIM
Oh, my God.

Liam, what are you doing?
We're on in two hours.

I'm sorry. Look, take mine.
I don't need it.

No, I don't... Don't do that.

Please stop doing that.
Please stop.

It's fine.
I'll just...go home, I guess.

HORN BEEPS

QUIET SOBBING

Ness? Is that you?

Yeah, I'm in here.

You working from home today?

I've got to get a new
suit for the mock trial.

Liam spilt all this bollocks on me.

Hey!

Hey, what's the matter?

Will...

..where did you stay in Bath?

A Travelodge.

Danielle said you'd been to a spa.

Travelodges don't have spas.

And when I told Pia I was your
girlfriend, she said, "Which one?"

What the fuck, Will?

There's been a mistake.

Yeah, I hope so, because the way
it's looking, you are lying to me.

I'm not lying to you.
What the hell is happening, then?

OK, just...

..talk me through
what Danielle said, please.

Why? Just walk me
through it, beat by beat,

if that's OK.

Er...I said you must
enjoy hotel living,

and she said you loved the spa.

OK, good, she said that, did she?

And you assumed she meant a hotel
spa, like with saunas and Jacuzzis.

I know what a spa is, Will.

But she just said spa.

Correct? So I put it to you

that there is the kind of spa
that you find in a fancy hotel

but there is also the kind of Spar
which is a small supermarket chain

where I might go to get a meal.

Don't you dare.

Go over what she said again, then.

I said you enjoyed the hotel.

She said,
"Loved the spa, apparently."

OK, great, so you made a joke about

how I was staying in
a shit Travelodge,

and then she made a joke about how I
had to get my dinner in a Spar...

..I would suggest.

OK...

But Pia said...

You said you were Will's girlfriend,

correct? Yes.
And then Pia said, "Which one?"

Yes. Yeah?

Do you know how many Wills
there are in Chambers?

No. Four.

Four Williams.

So, which do you
think is more likely,

that Pia was asking you
which Will you meant,

or that she was
telling you to your face

that I have another girlfriend?

Because she'd have to
be a fucking moron!

Shit!

I have been worrying all day.

Oh, I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry.

Your Honour, I call Phillip Newport.

LIAM: Thank you, Mr Newport.

I, Phillip Newport,
swear by Almighty God

that the evidence I shall give
will be the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

Tell the court what happened.

When Dieter told me he'd been
embezzling from the company,

I said I'd go to the police.

He went doolally,

grabbed a golf club, went for me.

I defended myself with a glass...

..and I stabbed him.

And your wife saw all this?

She arrived just as the fight
started, saw the whole thing.

Afterwards, she ran to get help.

She couldn't use her phone?

No. Our house phone

was down, and mobile phones

don't exist in this scenario.

Yes. Thank you.

Mr Newport, your neighbour says that

he saw your wife's
car returning home

ten minutes later than you claim.

You're relying on
your wife's evidence,

but she wasn't even there when
the crime was committed, was she?

She was. I saw her with my own eyes.

I put it to you that you killed
Dieter in a violent rage

and when your wife arrived home,
you lied to her

so she would stand by you.

Only a snake would lie
to the woman he loves.

Well, I'm...suggesting to you,
Mr Newport,

that you did lie, so
are you a snake?

I am not that kind of
faithless, cowardly vermin.

Yes. Erm...

Well, very good.

Is that it?

Yeah.

OK. Five-minute break.

Didn't feel right
to push any further.

You're going to have to
go after the wife quite hard.

What?

Pia, you can do this.

Hello, hello!

Hey there, Liam. Erm...

So, I'm going to be doing
your examination in chief in a bit.

Sounds rude. Isn't.

Although after last night...

Liam, listen.

Sorry to do this before your trial,

but can we just...can
we forget last night?

And do it all over again

as if it was fresh and new.
No.

Erm, I mean just forget about it.

I was in character and on a high,

and sometimes you just...
you just get carried away.

Oh.

OK.

Of course, yeah. No worries.

I mean, I was...I
was carried away, too.

It was... It was very
unprofessional.

I mean, you have a husband.

No, I don't have a husband.

It's acting.

Yes. Acting. Got it.

Sorry. The point is
that I am more than fine

just forgetting about last night.

We met.

We had great sex.

Yes.

And that is a precious memory
that we can hold on to for ever.

I'll see you in court. Yeah.

OK. OK.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Anything left for a
Head of Chambers?

Oh! Sure.

Clean glass, is it?
Nothing your boyfriend's shot in?

I heard shouting
as I pulled into the drive.

Our front door leads
straight to the front room,

and there I saw Dieter
pinning down my husband.

Dieter backed away and picked
up the golf club, then...

..stabbing and...screaming
and...blood.

My husband white and pale...

..and his friend...

..dead.

Thank you, Mrs Newport.

You say Dieter pinned your husband
down then grabbed the golf club?

But in your statement you say
Dieter already had the golf club.

Maybe I remembered it wrong.

You came in
through the front door.

Did you use your keys to get in?

Yes. Yes, I think I did.

And yet neither of these men

noticed the noise of you
entering the room.

Well, maybe the door
was on the latch. Oh!

Well, now we have two versions.

Latch or key.

Have a think. Which is the lie?

Your Honour, counsel
is intimidating the witness.

Excuse me, I am well within
Code of Conduct Rule 7.1

and you know it, so siddown!

Why can't you give a consistent
description of the attack?

Erm...maybe I've gone
over it so much in my head

that I've added things I didn't see.

Maybe I did get there
a little later.

"Maybe I did get
there a little later."

No further questions.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

A... A few more questions?

Yes, of course.

Dieter's house is just
round the corner from yours.

A few minutes' walk. Correct?

Correct.
Right, so, there is

one way you could have
been there for the killing

and your neighbour could have seen
your car pull up ten minutes later.

You could have arrived
the first time with Dieter.

HANNAH SCOFFS

That's ridiculous. You arrived with
Dieter, ready to flee

when he'd disposed of your husband.

But when Dieter met his end instead,

you fetched your car
to cover your tracks...

No, that's not true.
..because when the police track

that embezzled money, they're going
to find an offshore bank account

in your name, aren't
they, Mrs Newport?

Yes.

Yes. It's true.

Dieter and I were lovers.

It's the only way we could
be free to be together.

Harlot!

Maybe.

Or maybe you're a wily seductress

so desperate for money

you slept with your husband's
defence counsel,

hoping love would blind him
to your tissue of lies.

Why would you mention that?

Oh, right, so that wasn't part of
it. No, of course it wasn't.

You slept with him?
Oh, what's your problem?

You're not even married.

We're going out. We were going to
move in together, you little prick!

Hey, Danielle.
Shit!

Oh, I am so sorry!

Order in court.

Beat you like a dead horse!

Order!

Why don't I have a bloody gavel?

Well, that was intense.

I really thought she
was the one, guys,

the one to...grow old with me...

..type up my memoirs...

..feed the setters.

Yeah, we've all been on a journey.

I think my foot is
bleeding inside my shoe.

Hi, guys.

Eileen said she
really loved my cross.

She asked me to work on
a big fraud case with her.

See you at the pub?

OK.

I've got to shake
myself out of this,

see if my dad wants a game of
squash.

All's back to normal, then.

Looks like it.

You all right?

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hey. News on the
smash-and-grab.

They found CCTV.
They're going guilty in the morning.

Oh. Er, sorry to hear that.

Yeah, what can you do?

Sometimes the truth worms
its way out in spite of you.

Yeah.

Guess it does.
See you tomorrow.