Defending the Guilty (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

What makes a barrister?
The brain of a fox.

The liver of an ox.

The hugest of cocks.
The hugest of cocks.

Where do you get your fire?

Cos you need to find that.
At the moment, it's all a bit...

...Hufflepuff. The most important
thing is that you be yourself.

There you go! Great.

Unless you want to apply for silk
again,

in which case, you have nine months
to become someone different.

I'm Will's girlfriend.
Which one?

The way it's looking, you are lying
to me.



I'm not lying to you. So, which do
you think is more likely,

that Pia was asking you
which Will you meant,

or that she was telling you to your
face that I have another girlfriend?

Oh, I'm so sorry!

All back to normal, then.

WILL: Looks like it.

I've been an unbelievable
piece of shit.

You have been
an unbelievable piece of shit.

I'm sorry, Ness.

FOOTBALL FANS SHOUT

Also, I'm sorry, I thought this
place would be quieter on a
Wednesday,

but I guess the football's on.

Do you think it's the job?

Just seems to have changed you.
All the indifference,



the hardness,

all the "woohoo, I've got
a granny-basher case".

What happened to you, Will?

You know, I'd look at other guys
and be like,

"Yeah, he's fit,or, you know,

"That one's...very funny or
successful,

"but my Will...

"..is just lovely."

And I thought we were pretty great
together. Weren't we?

I don't know, Ness.

FOOTBALL FANS CHEER

I'm sorry.

I'm going to go.

MUSIC: There's a Storm A'Coming
by Richard Hawley

# There's a storm comin'

# You'd better run

# There's a storm comin'

# Goodbye to the sun

# There's a storm comin'

# You'd better

# Run, boy, run

# You'd better run... #

Hey, Will! Liam's wearing
his lucky charm,

and the charm is his pants!

Infallible magic, Wills.

These pants were worn to victory
in the under-15 Westminster School's

high-jump competition. They've been
my go-to cladding ever since.

Today's the day. First solo cases.
What you got, Wills?

Er, sentencing. Drugs.

Hoo-hoo, drugs! You nervous?
Not particularly.

Why? I just thought maybe you're
the sort

who freezes on the big day,

quits, moves to the Hebrides,
does things with yarn.

Cool. Good luck, guys.

All right? Sorry, got to go.

What's going on with him?

God knows. Maybe his favourite
podcast crew split up.

Well, I'm joyful. Second six, on our
feet, and we only have to see our

pupil masters voluntarily.

Sometime this morning, I'm going
to turn around, not see Ashley

and most probably orgasm.

What you got?
Plea and mit. You?

Power cut off. £95, thank you very
much. Pia, what about you?

Oh. Private drink-and-driving trial
in the Mags.

What? The fuck?

Mm-hm. I met this solicitor friend
of Miles and we connected.

When you say you connected...?
Her favourite fruit is kiwis

and we both really love Glee.

Actively ignoring that. Yep.

Just going to have a lovely day.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?
FIONA: Caroline! This is it.

You know we've been talking
about increasing

your public profile.

Well, they're having a discussion
day about women in the law

at the Southbank Centre tomorrow.

What's the Southbank Centre?

Er, it's...it's an arts centre.

On the South Bank.

Of the Thames. Oh, yeah. That.

Fiona, it's really not my sort of
thing. OK, listen,

it is your sort of thing,
because you want to be a QC

and you are a leader,
as a barrister and as a woman.

Yeah, I suppose I am those things.

What do they want from me?
Biography? War stories? Hair tips?

They don't want hair tips.
They haven't seen my hair.

They want to know what you're doing
to fight for women and justice.

SHE EXHALES
Blimey.

I'll send you the details. Bye.

Ah! Here he is. Hi.

Oh, they grow up so fast.

Sorry.

So, you've had your difficulties.

We've muddled through.

But now you are on your feet,
and you will be deeply, deeply alone

until the day you die in your wig.

Thank you, that's a great pep talk.

You'll make mistakes.

Don't admit to them.

Hide your weakness.

Bury your feelings.

Stay clear in your mind
and cold in your heart.

And most importantly,
tell no-one it's your first case.

No, I think that's all.

Make me proud.

He's a bit antsy.

Hasn't had any smack
since he pleaded two days ago.

Doctor's meant to have brought
some methadone, but, well...

Sure.

Cheers, thank you.

Hey, Gavin. Hey, mate.

You OK?

I'm great, mate. I'm great.
HE SHIVERS

W-W-W-Would you mind
just moving that way a little?

Come over this way? Yeah.

A bit further.

Yeah. Keep going.

M-M-M-More to the side of the room.

Is it all right if we...?
SHOUTS: Dude, would you move?!

All right, mate. It's OK.
I'm sorry, that was rude of me.

Just please get back.

Here? Turn round. Just turn.

Yeah.

M-More to the left.
Gavin, I'm right in the corner.

Please, mate, I'm pleading with you
here. We're going to tip over.

There's too much weight on this
side. Gavin, YOU'RE on that side.

Yeah, but if I move,
the snakes will get me.

OK, Gavin, listen to me.

You are hallucinating.

It's OK, but we need to talk
about your case.

What are you doing? It's OK, work
with me. Get back in the corner.

No, I'm going to come round there,
you're going to take your seat,
and... Get back in the fucking

corner! Relax.
Let's get rid of these snakes.

Don't need these.

Off they go.

Don't need those.

Give me your hand.
I'm on your side. Take my hand.

You're mad!
No, no, no, no, no!

Erm...

Guard?

Guard?

WOMAN: Gavin?

I remember Gavin.

I was his probation officer
first time he came out of prison.

That was just for a bit of house
theft, but he really got into drugs

while he was inside. Got the
impression it really changed him.

Yeah.

I was thinking maybe he could
have a rehabilitation order?

Gavin? Nah.

It's his eighth offence, love.
What's the point?

Maybe that is the point,
that it's his eighth offence.

He's just cracked a hole in his
skull. The guy needs our help.

Is this your first time?

No!

Really? Cos you talk like it is.

They'll soon knock that out of you.

If I fill... Ain't happening. OK.

PHONE RINGS

Fiona!

Ashley, listen, I've got to be
quick.

I've heard a strong rumour
from the QC applications board.

Yeah. Hm! Yeah.

OK. Thanks. Thank you. Bye.

Fuck!

Fuck it!

There he is!
The boy has become a man.

Come in, let me look at you,
see if you're any different.

Ah, I can't make anything out.

I didn't appear.
The guy head-butted his cell wall.

Oh, really? Druggie, was it?

Yeah. Cracked his head open.
There was blood all over the floor.

SHE LAUGHS
You tell it well.

Sit down. I'm having a bit of
trouble with this seminar.

Fiona's sent me a list of questions.

Ask me any one.

Go.

Erm, OK.

Why do you like your job?

Why do I like my job?
Why do I LIKE...?

God, that's a toughie, isn't it?

What should I say?

I dunno. Can't you just make up some
crap about baking,

like you normally do? What's wrong
with you, Pissy Elliott?

Nothing, just the usual,
just a client who's in pain

and everyone too jaded to give a
crap and me trying to get on with my

job like it's normal.
But it's not normal, is it?

It's uncaring and it's impersonal,
and I guess it's starting

to get to me. Oh, it's good you got
a tough one. Hardens you.

Makes you a killer.

Like you. Yes, like me.

Why do I LIKE my job? God,

I haven't been this stumped
since couples therapy.

Caroline, I don't want
to be like you.

What?

I'm sorry, I mean, no offence,
but you're kind of awful.

You've got no friends. You're
constantly working without any sense
of purpose. You can't even answer

a simple primary school career day
question like, "Why do you like your
job?"

You've been doing this for 16 years.

You're about to apply to be a QC
for the third time in a row.

That's an outrageous accusation.
You take that back.

Why is that the thing that bothers
you?

I've just told you that someone's
cracked their skull open.

In case you haven't noticed,

Will, what we do is down in the
gutter, and things are grey.

Grey like Lincolnshire.

Grey like Christian Grey fucking the
dog from the artist in Grey Gardens

in the grey light of dawn.
Oh, fuck's sake.

I have a lot of respect for you,
Caroline.

I really do,
but if I turn out like this,

I'm going to consider it
a catastrophic fucking failure.

MUSIC: Thanks 4 Nothing
by Nilufer Yanya

WILL: Tommo! Big Tom! Howdy.

Yeah, no, good, thanks.
Work has been absolutely mad, yeah.

So, listen, quick question, do you
still live in that place in Dalston?

You've moved?

To Riga. Wow! That's big.

Yeah, no, I just wanted to ask,

do you and Joy still
have that spare room?

Oh, I see, right, yeah,
she's already spoken to...Nessa.

Hey, Danielle. It's Will.
Just trying to get hold of you.

Give me a call back when you get
this. All right, cheers, bye.

Hiya. Can I get a pint of lager,
please? Sure.

Liam?

Will...

Hey there.

Just having a celebratory drink.

On your own? Sure.

Cos I was so awesome today that
telling anyone else would seem
arrogant.

That's the last thing I would want.

Sure.

There you go. Thank you.

Liam, I'm sorry to ask, but you
don't happen to have a spare room I

could borrow for the night, do you?
Sure.

I've got five.

Thanks, Liam.

I mean, it's my parents' house,

so, technically, WE'VE got five.

THEY'VE got five.

Liam! Will!

Been in the Coach & Horses.
Popped in for a nightcap.

You want to talk?

You look like you
might want to talk.

Not even sure
how I ended up doing crime.

Started off doing commercial stuff.
Wasn't my thing.

Always been more street-smart than
book-smart. You've probably noticed.

Sure. God, yeah.

Ugh! I'm waffling on.
You two have...

..much bigger matters on your minds,
as well.

You're on your feet.
Yeah. Brilliant. Crushed it.

And you've broken up with your
girlfriend and are homeless.

Yep, that's...my achievement.

I froze today...

..in court. What?

I couldn't shake the thought there
is a man's liberty depending on me.

Me.

Just...some faintly educated guy...

..standing there in a suit

and a 14-year-old's pants.

I should just give it all up.

I'm a failure.

Liam, you're not a failure.

OK, cards on the table. Do you guys
think I'm a good barrister?

Hmm?

Do you think I'll ever be a QC?

Er...

We don't really see you in court
that much, Ashley, so...

No. Of course not.

You know who would know?

ASHLEY: Danielle!

Danielle!

She lives here?
She's supposed to be poor.

Danielle! I'm out with the laddos.
Ashley...

Ashley, I think you need
to quieten down a bit. Danielle!

Liam...
Look, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.

You've got to shout it in a burst,
like this. Danielle!

You're just shouting at a building.
Danielle! Danielle!

Danielle! Danielle! It sounds like
you're saying Daniel now.

Danielle! Danielle!

Hey, pissheads! Shut up!
What are you doing here?

VACUUM CLEANER DRONES

DANIELLE: The Sisters of Our Lady

of Prompt Succour, Kensington
branch, offering bed and board for

£500 a month, within walking
distance of Chambers.

They have some weird rules,

but I know a flipping good deal
when I see one.

So, Liam told me
you split up with Nessa.

Yep.

Because I cheated on her
with the juror.

Oh. I thought that was
just, like, a one-time-kiss thing.

No.

And then...

..I sort of gaslit Nessa a bit,
I think.

How much gaslight?

We talking Victorian parlour
or late Georgian crescent?

I guess the former, but still bad.

So, yeah, I sort of
fucked everything up, I think.

You're on your feet today.
You need to perk up.

Yes...

How did yours go? Total trip.

Everyone looking at you.
Cleverest kid in the room.

Felt awesome.

That's good, man.

I'm not sure I deserve
to feel awesome, but hey.

Madam, my client admits
to his crimes,

but in mitigation,
he had a lot on at work

and they'd been going out
for, what, like, five years?

Five-and-a-half.
Heck of a long time.

He's already served six days'

custody under the pupil's room
table. Now,

for sentence, I suggest
a lifetime's community service

being a passably good barrister.

Passably good? You reckon?

Sure.

If you can clamber your way
out your own arsehole.

Thanks, mate.

Very wise.

So, how are you going to repay me?

Well, here's a little sweetener
for starters.

Liam completely froze in court.
He utterly shat the bed.

Oh, that will do.

That'll do.

MUSIC: Brush Yr Hair
by Sacred Paws

Did he get his methadone?
Just last night.

I could try and wake him.

Never mind. It's fine.

We can do better. What?

We can do better. We've put this guy
in prison, we've let him out,

and every single time, he starts
using again. Over and over and over.

Yeah. So kind of a hopeless case,
innit?

Except we've never actually tried
the rehabilitation order, have we?

Look, Lorelei. Lorelie, sorry.
"Lorelay."

"Lorelay.What did we
get into this game for?

Just sending people into prison
willy-nilly? I don't think so.

Was that your big plan when you got
into probation all those years ago?

Six years ago. I retrained
from parking services, so...

Well, my point is that I know
you are not just a drone.

I know you're a human being,

and I know you can feel it
when injustice is happening.

I know that you believe in
giving people second chances.

And I know that you're going to
give me that rehabilitation order.

Yeah, you got that wrong.

I am just a drone.

And I don't give a pair of shits
about what happens to your client.

But sometimes, someone is so
annoying it's easier to give in,

so...congratulations, you just
reached that level of annoying.

I'm doing it. You're doing it?
I'm doing it. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

What's the surname?
The surname is Packham.

Will Packham. And I'm going to be
annoying you a lot more in the

future, so get used to it.
Gavin's surname.

Gavin's surname is Porter.
Gavin Porter.

I'm really sorry about throwing that
down. I didn't mean to do it as
hard as that. It's quite all right.

You go get 'em, Packham.
I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Gavin? I'm going to get you a
result.

DOOR OPENS

Court rise.

Next...Mr Porter.

Yes, madam, I am Will Packham,

representing Mr Porter. Great.

So, Mr Porter is here for
sentencing.

Anything aggravating? Some elements
of public menace. Sure, sure.

But I see that the probation service

has recommended some sort of
rehabilitation requirement.

That's correct, madam.

Recently obtained.

Five years ago,

my client became addicted to drugs
while inside prison,

and he has been imprisoned
by drugs ever since.

He's been back behind bars
a further four times,

and not once has he been given
the chance to recover.

Something needs to change. Gavin...

..has had a difficult life...

..and he's committed a crime.

And as such, he deserves to be
punished, but he also deserves some

hope, a chance to leave the drugs
behind.

S-S-Sorry... Gavin...
..what do I deserve again? It's OK.

Shhh. I've gotcha. Please forgive my
client, madam, he's in withdrawal.

The thinking is a few hundred hours
of community service

alongside the requirement.

A few hundred hours?!

Nah, I don't want to do
a few hundred hours. It's boring.

Gavin, shhh.
Yeah, well, you try doing it.

It's, like, painting and shit
and gardening. No, I ain't got time
for that. Come on.

Mr Packham, does your client really
have the will to kick the drugs?

Kick the drugs?! No. No, I won't.
Gavin, come on, mate.

You're looking at two months inside
at this rate. Two months, yeah? Is
that all? Yeah, well, two months in

prison then back to the lovely
drugs, please!
LAUGHTER

He didn't mean that, madam. He's
probably a little bit high still.

Mr Packham, did your client not ask
you to seek a rehabilitation order?

No. No, no. I never asked.

I actually said I didn't want it.
You didn't say that.

He didn't say that, madam. He was
saying some things about snakes,

but he didn't say that he didn't
want... Right, listen, I said I
didn't want it. I said...

Please, don't put me in drug camp.

You have no need to worry,
Mr Porter. Take a seat.

Mr Packham, this is really quite
serious.

You are acting against the explicit
wishes of your client.

Your High... Not Your Highness.
Your Honour,

or, er, madam is what I mean.

Erm...

I think this is probably just
some kind of misunderstanding.

Your client's instructions

are not meant to be misunderstood.
This is your first case, isn't it?

No, madam, it isn't my first case.

Mr Packham, we all know
it's your first case.

Your head clerk texted me
to watch out for you.

You're lying to the bench.
Sorry, no.

It is my first case.
Sorry, I just had a...erm,

er, my brain farted.

You realise that this is
contempt of court.

Er, sort of.
I could have you put in the cells.

Yes, you could, er, but you're not
going to do that.

Are you?

No. You're right, it's too much.

GAVIN: Go on, send him down.
WOMAN: Yeah, go on, do it!

"Kill him"!

Ah, what the hell. Take him down.

What? 20 minutes.
You can't do that.

This is my court,
I can do what the hell I want.

CHUCKLING

Well, if you can't do the time,
you know...

Are we really doing this?
Yeah. In you go.

OK.

Welcome, everyone, and thank you,
Caroline, for joining us.

So, what would you say to those who
claim that even with recent

legislation, the protection given to
child witnesses is not enough?

OK, well, this is

a very serious matter.

These days,
when kids are put on the stand,

you're very limited
in what you can ask them.

I mean, my nephew can't keep
his story straight when he's nicked

a biscuit.
LAUGHTER

Yeah. Exactly.

So imagine that when they're
explaining how Daddy hit Mummy.

They crumple like a wet sponge.
ONLY CAROLINE LAUGHS

INTERVIEWER: Is it different
for women at the Bar?

Yes, yes, it is.

Actually, when I was younger,

a judge tried it on with me
in his rooms.

Very much rejected, and the silly
man is very ashamed,

so let's just say when I'm in his

court now, things do tend to go my
way. Erm, right.

Let's move on, shall we?

INTERVIEWER:
Any questions from the audience?

What do you like about being a
barrister?

Well, I like winning.

Really? After 15 years,

surely there's something bigger.

Bigger?

Yes, of course. Erm...

Well, what I like about law is...

Well, the law is like, erm...

The law is...

..like...

..like gluten.

You know gluten?

It's the protein that binds
bread and pastry together.

It's not very pleasant on its own,
kind of warty and...elastic.

But once you have gluten,

you can inflate it with yeast,

you can suppress it with fat.

The eggs can mingle
with the sugar or the almonds

or the bloody courgette,
if you like,

and you can be pretty sure
that everything will hold together.

And I think I quite like being part

of that kind of structure.

What we do can be ugly,
but it is needed

in a way that only
grey and unpleasant things are.

And just like gluten has its
detractors,

some people are allergic to it, and
some people pretend to be allergic,

and they're the worse kind
of people around,

but when you do without it...

..things just taste shit.

Well, thank you very much, Caroline.
That was, er, illuminating.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Well, look who it is.
Hiya. Enjoyed the speech.

Yeah, well, you've got to
make some bollocks up, haven't you?

Yeah.

What are you doing? Ah!

You've been blooded. Oh, right.

I was a bit concerned last night.

Yeah, sorry about that.

It's all right, but a mother
worries.

Sure.

So, do you need somewhere to stay?
I've got a spare room.

Ah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.

My back's starting to spasm
from sleeping on the floor!

Well, take my bag anyway. Yeah.

Just got a big juicy murder through,
actually.

Probably get you a junior brief,
if you fancy it.

God, yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.

Yeah, well, I need someone I can
stand. Sure.

Nice here, isn't it?

Have you been here before,
the "South Bank"?

Yeah. Why are you saying it like
that? Like what?

Like you've never heard of it.
South Bank. How do you say it?

It's the "Southbank".
That's what I said.

MUSIC: A Trick Of The Light
by Villagers