Defending the Guilty (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
Caroline and Will have to defend a man with an unusual obsession, and also get to know one another a little better.
Must be hard for you - if we get the
best jobs now,
how are you going to overtake us?
What are we going to do?
Do we hang out here,
sniffing each other's arse fumes,
or do we work together,
hunt her down, crush her?
You guys scheme your evil schemes.
Just don't get me involved.
Pia wanked off her boyfriend
into the first-floor cafetiere.
What?
This intel is dead
unless we spread it.
QC interviews next week.
I know you're up for it, too.
To be honest, Caroline, it seems
you have a real likeability problem.
I'm a criminal barrister,
not some reporter from The One Show.
Selina and I kissed.
I love Nessa, I love my girlfriend.
I probably should have stopped
earlier,
but given the circumstances,
I think I did pretty well.
You're not being honest
with your girlfriend, are you?
OK, so,
you stand behind these women
on escalators,
and you get your scissors out.
Yes. Mm. Exactly, that's right.
Then you cut their dresses
while they're not looking.
Yes. Just at the nape here.
Three snips for a perfect square.
I did this one on the way here.
Ooh, look at that. Here's a bail
violation I did earlier.
Caroline, can I please...?
Ronald, the thing is,
the police are saying
that this is a sexual assault.
Right!
I mean, it isn't such a bad thing,
is it?
They want to put me on
some...register.
Don't worry, Caroline's done
loads of sexual offences.
The solicitor actually thinks it's
good
for a sex offender to be represented
by a female barrister,
like she believes him.
Ronald, the thing is,
in order for this to be a sexual
offence,
it would have to be done
with the intent of sexual
gratification.
Oh, good, because I don't intend
to do it that way.
I don't intend to do it at all.
How do you mean?
Well, it's compulsive, isn't it?
You do something once,
then that pleases you somehow,
and so you do it again,
and soon, you just...
..find yourself doing it.
You just find yourself wielding
a pair of scissors on an escalator.
Yes! You're just there, doing a
crime.
Young man, you'll learn.
The spirit is willing,
but the flesh, mm,
the flesh will fucking drop you
in it.
OK, Ronald, we'll see you
in court tomorrow.
And, erm, dress nicely. Proper
trousers.
What's wrong with these?
Caroline thinks only perverts
wear three-quarter-length trousers.
Well, that's silly!
I adore the air on my ankles.
# Spent a week in a dusty library
# Waiting for some words to jump
at me
# We met by a trick of fate
# French Navy my sailor mate... #
Are you eating that?
No, it's just spit and margarine.
I'm hungry.
I feel like I should call
a social worker...
..hold a sponsored swim.
Jumanji!
Oh, God, how long have I been out?
I know I did the disclosure
application for Martin
and the witness summons
for Christina. Right, OK...
You're a bit smudged.
Right, OK. Brrrrr!
She's doing work for Martin?!
I almost outrank Martin.
No-one big in Chambers will look at
her.
I still can't work out
how the cafetiere thing got out.
Yeah. It's hard to say, isn't it?
I guess things like that just do.
Big gossip. People talking.
Where's my pen?
Evening, homies. Everyone coming
to the Young Bar Society party
tomorrow?
I'm going to be saying a few
unkind words on the subject
of Weatheridge's legal aid reforms.
No doubt Danielle has fed you
the advance beef. Strike action?
It's inspiring, Ashley.
I was saying to Will just now,
it's a shame the miners
didn't have you in the nineties.
Or eighties. I mean, I was just a
kid. Yeah, I'm just saying,
if you'd have been there,
we'd have a shitload more coal
and northern people
would still be respected.
Wow!
Will, you've got my coat.
Caroline, will I be seeing you
tomorrow night?
No. I don't know why you bother.
Isn't it just some desperate ploy
to convince the QC committee
that you're a leader of men?
Be sensible, Caroline.
The Weatheridge Report's legal aid
reforms are a very serious matter.
And if my leadership role
helps my case for silk,
then that is a pleasant side effect
of a righteous cause.
Yes, well, I'm not coming.
And if I'm pissed as a newt
watching Bake Off at 9pm,
that will be a pleasant side effect
of not giving an arse.
Poor Caroline. Doesn't get out much
since the divorce.
Caroline's divorced?
Yeah. Six months.
She never mentioned that.
I've been spending all day with her
for months.
Caroline's the private sort.
Anyway, see you tomorrow.
It'll be brutal politics,
I guarantee it.
Oh, shit. Danielle,
why has the venue just cancelled?
Did you put the deposit down
to guarantee it?
Oh, fuck.
Erm, find me another venue.
Please? Somewhere cool.
Yeah. Yeah, no problem.
Do it for me.
Yeah, right...!
Please. Fuck off.
Shit!
I haven't got time to dick around
with...
I've got to do this.
Pia?
Any chance you've got time
to do a job for Ashley?
Mm-hm!
Can't believe Caroline's divorced.
I mean, I guess it explains a lot.
The coldness, the shut-offness...
Literally everyone over 35 is
divorced. That's not true.
My parents aren't divorced.
Right.
What is that?
No, nothing.
Something just clicked into place
there.
Do you know what I mean, though?
Cos I've always been a bit scared
of Caroline.
But it's like with wild animals,
isn't it? They're scared of you,
too. Insightful.
Just got to know how to handle them.
Shit, I'm out of battery.
Can I use yours to send an e-mail
to my phone, please?
Erm, yeah.
OK.
Oh-ho-ho!
What's that?
Can you give it back, please?
Stalking!
Please can you...? Please!
Stalky stalky stalker!
I'm not a stalker. It looks like
that,
but, actually, I'm visiting that
page because I'm...interested in
art.
You're interested in art?
Yes. You are, are you?
Yes.
Who's your favourite artist?
Banksy.
Banksy.
What? It is. I love Banksy.
Of course it's sexual.
Oh, come on, Miles.
He's cutting out fabric.
What's he going to do, make a really
raunchy quilt?
Caroline, my kids are all under six
and have minds as pure
as San Pellegrino,
but even they'd know that a chap
doesn't hack at 500 dresses
unless it gives him a boner.
We've got an expert. Dr Khaled.
Hey, Miles. How's tricks?
Yes. And what does Dr Khaled say?
We don't know yet. We only called
him... Shut up, Will.
Sorry, yeah.
He'll say it's compulsive behaviour
with no sexual element.
Really?
Because the only compulsive
behaviour I'm seeing is, erm...
..ooh, Little Miss Winnypants here.
Don't call me that.
Well, it's understandable,
I am a bit better.
Wouldn't say you were better.
Smugger, maybe. Clinging harder
to your fading youth, perhaps.
HE CHUCKLES
You know Caroline was MY pupil once?
Oh, right!
There's Dr Khaled.
You never mentioned
that Miles was your pupil master.
I'm not proud of it.
Look at him, swaggering around
like David Davis after a wank.
Why'd you never mention it? I bet
there's loads of interesting things
you've never mentioned.
Will, here's Dr Khaled,
our expert witness.
Hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.
So, the defence is that the
dress-cutting is a habitual thing
with no sexual intent.
Right. That's what they're
going with, is it?
Ah, that's ridiculous.
We're the defendant.
Oh, shit.
OK, that's interesting. Erm, yeah,
no, that happens all the time.
That's...that's entirely possible.
You just said it was ridiculous.
It is. It is ridiculous.
Erm, but it's entirely possible.
Oh, come on, we're talking about
the human mind here.
It's a multimodal, contradictory
mystery.
Try spinning round
and saying that three times.
I've got another case tomorrow
morning. Can you get me on
before then?
Erm, yes, I reckon.
Good.
I've got to...get ready.
So, what's the case about tomorrow?
Oh, I dunno. I haven't looked at it
yet.
I'm saying she's guilty, but I just
haven't filled in the details, so...
"Now, you might think the Young
Barristers of the London Central
Circuit
"have nothing better to do than
party, and normally you'd be right."
Big laugh there.
"But we've gone over
Lord Weatheridge's proposals,
"and to quote Shawn Carter,
otherwise known as Jay-Z, it's got
99 problems...
"..at least..."
Yeah.
"..which is why, not content
with a Retort to the Report,
"we're gonna bust a new rhyme.
It's time to Withdraw for the Law."
Big graphic comes up. Boom.
Sound effect.
"And, yes, I do mean strike action."
I'm not overplaying that, am I?
Overplaying what?
That's exactly the answer
I was looking for.
So, is everything OK for the party?
The new venue, it's...edge?
Very...edge.
It's...it's all sorted.
Bloody well done. Such short notice.
Couldn't do it without you.
Yeah.
"He didn't mean to?"
Is that honestly our defence?
Maybe he DIDN'T mean to.
What do you mean to do?
Things happen. You respond naturally
or you don't.
Does a drug addict mean to get high
or an angry man mean to lash out?
Did I mean to run out of underwear
this morning?
No. Sometimes shit just happens.
People shouldn't be so judgmental.
Yeah, but by that thinking, no-one
would be guilty of anything ever
and there'd be no such thing as
crime.
Yeah, you're right.
I was just riffing.
Members of the jury, in this case,
I'm going to ask you to apply
your knowledge of the world.
I don't think any of us
were born yesterday,
but if you were, happy birthday.
CHUCKLING
This is what we psychiatrists call
"unusual and unprecedented
compulsion".
And where could this...
compulsion come from?
I dunno.
Er, his mother? His upbringing?
Could be literally anything.
You name it.
Thank you.
Could the compulsion be sexual?
No...
No.
Why not?
Erm...
Just seems really unlikely, I think.
In my professional opinion,
that's...
Do you think Miles was a bit soft
on Dr Khaled?
He's weakened lately.
Fatherhood, probably.
Yeah.
So, Ashley mentioned
that you got divorced recently.
That is true.
Do you think maybe...
you want to talk about it?
What the fuck is this?
No, it's just...
..I realise that we don't really
know that much about each other,
and isn't that weird? I mean, we
spend an awful lot of time together.
Oh, my God, you're in love with me.
Sorry?
I don't blame you.
It was bound to happen.
All I mean
is it might be nice...
PHONE BUZZES
..for us to get to know each other a
bit. Like, maybe we could go
bowling.
Yeah, no, take it. Obviously, take
it. Caroline, it's Fiona.
Oh, yeah. What do you want?
The Young Bar Society event tonight.
You're going, aren't you?
No, wasn't planning on going. Why?
Caroline, we spoke about this.
It's important to seem like
you care a little about the wider
Bar.
Go to the party. I want you to meet
Toni Markham from the Female Bar
Society.
She can really help you.
Yeah, networking really isn't my
thing. She knows you're coming.
Silk, Caroline, silk.
Yeah...
LINE DISCONNECTS
Erm... Yeah, Ashley's thing.
I might... I might go tonight,
actually.
Really? Yeah.
Might be fun. You're going, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Caroline, Caroline! You came.
That is so touching. It means so
much to me.
Yes, well, I like to
support...colleagues.
Toni! Toni, you came. That is so
touching. It means so much to me.
Ashley, our man of the moment!
Hi.
So, erm, what do you want to talk
about? You. Your life.
Ha! Pick another topic.
An old-fashioned, please.
Jigsaw puzzles?
I see Gary Cross from
Lord Weatheridge's office is here.
Does he know
you're recommending strike action?
Oh, yes.
Collecting intel for his master.
Well, I doubt I'll get a good
review.
Zero stars. Dangerously off-message.
Ashley, you really are
fantastically brave.
Brave? Ha. I mean, what's brave?
No, really. I mean, this could have
a huge effect on your chances for
silk.
Now, Toni, that's neither here nor
there. This is about principle,
not about the positive or negative
effects on one guy's silk
application.
Of course, yeah, because
the effects will be negative.
Er, negative? You-you think
they'll be negative?
Absolutely. It's a total disgrace
that Weatheridge is on the selection
panel.
Lord Weatheridge is on
the fucking selection panel?
Sorry, I assumed you knew.
Oh, I did.
Oh, it doesn't change a thing.
Great.
And then, after the marketing job,
I was in business for a while.
So, I actually ran a popcorn
start-up.
Popcorn? Er, yeah, you know, the
snack food?
Yes, I have heard of popcorn.
Yeah. It was really only a few years
ago.
So, we got in there.
Sounds like a very wasted twenties.
We were called Who's Your Poppa.
And, er, so, there was, like,
all these characters.
There was Big Tom.
He was the tomato flavour.
And there was George Papadopoulos.
He was the feta cheese flavour.
We actually got
quite a few complaints about him,
because...
I need to go to the toilet.
Fair enough. It's a bad story.
I lost confidence...in it.
Danielle, slightly different take
on the speech.
I think, in fact, I'd like you to
do it. Me?
Ashley, I am not even fully
qualified.
Well, then, someone else, then.
Someone younger.
This is the Young Bar Society,
for fuck's sake. I drive a Volvo.
Hey, hey, hey, Ashley, listen.
You are speaking up
for something you believe in.
That makes you young.
Age is not the capacity of your car
boot, it is the size of your heart.
Yes, you're right. It's about
principles.
Just principles.
Mad fucker!
Caroline Bratt, is it?
Yes. Yes. Bratt.
And you are Toni Markham.
I know who you are, too.
Good!
And that is an old-fashioned
you have there.
Yes. Yes, it is. Well, no, I mean,
the ones here are shit.
They put sugar in them.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Without sugar, it's just whisky.
Well, no, because of
the sweetness of the cherry.
No, because no decent old-fashioned
has a cherry. Just orange.
That's the most stupid fucking thing
I have ever heard. Orange bitters,
maybe.
Orange bitters are for imbeciles
and the lower types of moron.
Good to meet you, Caroline.
LAUGHS: Yes!
Toni. Nice...crossing swords
with you, too.
I'll be in touch.
Bye...Toni.
I just networked.
I did. I networked!
Let's get smashed.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Wow! ..a little quiet, please.
Our President, Mr Ashley
Jeevaratnam,
is in the house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Shut Up
by Stormzy
Hello. It's lovely to see you all.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Now...you might think that the Young
Barristers
of the London Central Circuit
would have nothing better to do
than party,
and normally you'd be right!
POLITE LAUGHTER
But we've gone over
Lord Weatheridge's proposals,
and to quote Shawn Carter,
otherwise known as Jay-Z...
..let's compromise...
..because these proposals
are controversial,
but the basis of our whole justice
system is
argument between two sides,
which is why...
LOUD BANG
Yes. ..which is why we say
to those who criticise
the Weatheridge report,
withdraw, for the...sake of
the entire legal profession.
No. We don't.
Er, don't we?
We're going on strike.
SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT
Strike. Oh, gosh.
Well, that's, er, news to me.
So I say to you then, withdraw
from striking...
..er, for the law can endure.
Compromise is the prize.
Bustin' rhymes here.
OK, er, enjoy the party. Erm...
..shout-out to the caterers.
Music.
Music.
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
No rectal smoke. I loved that.
And you're right, people just need
to get round the table.
What the fuck was that?
Er, what was what?
That!
Toni...I don't know what you want
from me.
# What are you like?
# You've had a right life
# And taken a long ride
# But, oh, what a cost... #
I'm not going to lie to you.
The job gets to you.
It's... It's long hours,
you see some unpleasant stuff.
It's...hard for people to
understand.
What I'm saying is you shouldn't
feel too guilty about cheating on
your girlfriend.
Oh, we're talking about that.
You know, we are in crime,
and people in crime tend to be
a bit naughty.
SHE CHUCKLES
No, no, Caroline, listen.
I did a bad thing.
But I've realised it's just a
decision.
It's just a decision. Yeah.
It's not about what you want,
because everybody wants lovely, bad
things sometimes. Well, maybe a lot
of the time.
You just choose the good thing.
And maybe, like, sometimes
the good thing feels like
it's getting a bit boring, or maybe
perhaps you wonder if you met the
good thing when you were a little
bit young
and if things are changing. I mean,
that's OK, I guess. Like, we're all
human.
More old-fashioneds.
Hey, Will.
Hey, Pia. Great place for a party.
You should know.
Yeah!
I should...
MUSIC STOPS
Awww! Sorry. Sorry.
MUSIC RESTARTS
Shit...
Pia? Pia?
Hi. What did you mean just then
when you said that I should know?
Don't be silly. You know this place.
No, I don't. I know OF this place.
I was desperate to find a cool
venue.
And then, weirdly, you left
your laptop
with this place's web page open,
so I called them up.
It's all down to you. Oh!
This is bad. This is really bad.
Mm. I know.
I come back to get my gym bag
to find
Mr Raincheck has tracked me down.
I didn't track you down.
Course not.
OK, I've been thinking about you a
lot. Mm-hm.
But I just want you to know that
whatever we do tonight, it has to
stop here.
Well, we can't do anything tonight.
My boyfriend's at my place.
Sorry, did you say boyfriend?
Mm-hm.
You never said you had a boyfriend
last time.
Well, I would have, but you were
rattling on about your girlfriend
so much,
the mood was flagging.
This is good. This is actually quite
good, because it means we're on the
same page.
Like, I know this sounds weird,
but...
..I kind of feel like I just need
to get you out of my system
and, like, maybe you just need
to get me out of your system.
SHE LAUGHS
Look, you turned me down, Will.
If you need a rewind, make
an effort.
Take me somewhere nice.
Or be good.
RETCHES, VOMITS
Baby, can you fetch my bag?
Er, yep. Yep.
Right leg, left leg...
There you go. OK, just, um...
Watch out.
OK, just steady yourself, and
then... Is this your house?
Oh, yeah. Cool.
OK.
Cool.
What you doing? OK...
Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS
Er...
So, thank you so much.
Yeah. Erm, OK, I'll put the keys
here, and then, er, you all right?
I feel a bit sick.
Maybe if we just
sit you down on this step.
So, was that the juror?
Er... Er, yeah.
Did well.
Let's just sit down.
Why not?
So you don't hurt yourself.
Ooh!
Oh, Caroline.
Oh, God.
MILES: A man...
DOOR SLAMS
..arrives!
I have to be on the 12.12 or I'm
in trouble, but we still have time.
Will!
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Hey. Hey.
Er... Caroline...
..I thought I should return your
keys.
Remember? I had to borrow them...
..er, last week...
..when I came to...collect...
..a bicycle?
What?
Oh, er, yes, the...
..bicycle, which you're very welcome
to. And thank you for the keys.
Great. So, erm...
KEYS RATTLE
I've dropped them off.
Sorry it's so late.
Sorry, Will.
Oh, that's OK.
So, I should probably be
heading off.
Yes, yes.
See you later.
I should probably, erm, stay to...
Help with the dishes.
Yes, you could do with some help
with those, could you?
Er, night. Night, Will. Bye.
MILES LAUGHS
GROANS
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Caroline. Mm.
Will!
Hi.
So you admit to the jury...
Sorry.
You admit to the jury that you cut
these squares out of women's
dresses. Yes.
It's an odd compulsion of mine,
but quite innocent.
I don't know why I do it,
for the life of me.
In my youth, I loved fashion.
Thank you.
My colleague Mr Flynn
might have some questions for you.
Mr Frobisher, erm, for clarity,
I'm going to take you through the
process of this...compulsion. Is
that OK?
Of course.
You see a woman
wearing a dress you like on the
Tube, yes?
That's correct.
You follow her on the down
escalator.
Her neck is at your chest
or stomach level.
That's right.
Slowly you reach
into your bag to retrieve your
scissors.
They're cold, smooth.
The material of the dress
flutters slightly
in the almost imperceptible breeze
of the Tube.
God, he's lost it.
You raise the scissors...
..and you cut.
Snip.
Snip.
Snip.
Yes.
The cloth comes away.
You feel its warp, its weft
in your fingers
and then, only then...
..you pocket it.
No further questions, Your Honour.
Mr Frobisher, you may step down.
What, now?
There are no more questions? No.
Please step out of the box.
Fuck.
What? What's going on?
I think our client has got a boner.
Oh, God.
Er, if I may, a few more questions,
Mr Frobisher, what would your
grandmother say
about you collecting these swatches?
My...grandmother?
Yes, your withered grandmother,
rotting in her grave.
Or do you like cricket?
Ms Bratt, are these questions
strictly...?
Good God.
Members of the jury,
I feel it should be noted
that the defendant is currently
sporting a particularly
prominent erection.
MURMURING
Make of that what you will.
You'll probably just get
a community order...
..or a few weeks,
given you have done it 639 times.
Well, we gave it a good shot.
Oh, er, Will, did you, erm...?
Got you these.
Excellent!
Air around the ankles.
It's what life's about.
Poor guy.
Who?
Oh, yeah, him. Erm,
by the way, erm, you know
what you saw last night?
You know if you mention it...
Sure. Tenancy gone. Life gone.
Yeah, you get it. I mean,
it's not as serious as it looks.
He just has a key to your house.
Sure.
I mean, it's been going on for a
while, but, you know, I can stop
when I want.
Yeah. And the thing you saw with me,
again, just another one-off.
Yeah, course.
We'll stop now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
best jobs now,
how are you going to overtake us?
What are we going to do?
Do we hang out here,
sniffing each other's arse fumes,
or do we work together,
hunt her down, crush her?
You guys scheme your evil schemes.
Just don't get me involved.
Pia wanked off her boyfriend
into the first-floor cafetiere.
What?
This intel is dead
unless we spread it.
QC interviews next week.
I know you're up for it, too.
To be honest, Caroline, it seems
you have a real likeability problem.
I'm a criminal barrister,
not some reporter from The One Show.
Selina and I kissed.
I love Nessa, I love my girlfriend.
I probably should have stopped
earlier,
but given the circumstances,
I think I did pretty well.
You're not being honest
with your girlfriend, are you?
OK, so,
you stand behind these women
on escalators,
and you get your scissors out.
Yes. Mm. Exactly, that's right.
Then you cut their dresses
while they're not looking.
Yes. Just at the nape here.
Three snips for a perfect square.
I did this one on the way here.
Ooh, look at that. Here's a bail
violation I did earlier.
Caroline, can I please...?
Ronald, the thing is,
the police are saying
that this is a sexual assault.
Right!
I mean, it isn't such a bad thing,
is it?
They want to put me on
some...register.
Don't worry, Caroline's done
loads of sexual offences.
The solicitor actually thinks it's
good
for a sex offender to be represented
by a female barrister,
like she believes him.
Ronald, the thing is,
in order for this to be a sexual
offence,
it would have to be done
with the intent of sexual
gratification.
Oh, good, because I don't intend
to do it that way.
I don't intend to do it at all.
How do you mean?
Well, it's compulsive, isn't it?
You do something once,
then that pleases you somehow,
and so you do it again,
and soon, you just...
..find yourself doing it.
You just find yourself wielding
a pair of scissors on an escalator.
Yes! You're just there, doing a
crime.
Young man, you'll learn.
The spirit is willing,
but the flesh, mm,
the flesh will fucking drop you
in it.
OK, Ronald, we'll see you
in court tomorrow.
And, erm, dress nicely. Proper
trousers.
What's wrong with these?
Caroline thinks only perverts
wear three-quarter-length trousers.
Well, that's silly!
I adore the air on my ankles.
# Spent a week in a dusty library
# Waiting for some words to jump
at me
# We met by a trick of fate
# French Navy my sailor mate... #
Are you eating that?
No, it's just spit and margarine.
I'm hungry.
I feel like I should call
a social worker...
..hold a sponsored swim.
Jumanji!
Oh, God, how long have I been out?
I know I did the disclosure
application for Martin
and the witness summons
for Christina. Right, OK...
You're a bit smudged.
Right, OK. Brrrrr!
She's doing work for Martin?!
I almost outrank Martin.
No-one big in Chambers will look at
her.
I still can't work out
how the cafetiere thing got out.
Yeah. It's hard to say, isn't it?
I guess things like that just do.
Big gossip. People talking.
Where's my pen?
Evening, homies. Everyone coming
to the Young Bar Society party
tomorrow?
I'm going to be saying a few
unkind words on the subject
of Weatheridge's legal aid reforms.
No doubt Danielle has fed you
the advance beef. Strike action?
It's inspiring, Ashley.
I was saying to Will just now,
it's a shame the miners
didn't have you in the nineties.
Or eighties. I mean, I was just a
kid. Yeah, I'm just saying,
if you'd have been there,
we'd have a shitload more coal
and northern people
would still be respected.
Wow!
Will, you've got my coat.
Caroline, will I be seeing you
tomorrow night?
No. I don't know why you bother.
Isn't it just some desperate ploy
to convince the QC committee
that you're a leader of men?
Be sensible, Caroline.
The Weatheridge Report's legal aid
reforms are a very serious matter.
And if my leadership role
helps my case for silk,
then that is a pleasant side effect
of a righteous cause.
Yes, well, I'm not coming.
And if I'm pissed as a newt
watching Bake Off at 9pm,
that will be a pleasant side effect
of not giving an arse.
Poor Caroline. Doesn't get out much
since the divorce.
Caroline's divorced?
Yeah. Six months.
She never mentioned that.
I've been spending all day with her
for months.
Caroline's the private sort.
Anyway, see you tomorrow.
It'll be brutal politics,
I guarantee it.
Oh, shit. Danielle,
why has the venue just cancelled?
Did you put the deposit down
to guarantee it?
Oh, fuck.
Erm, find me another venue.
Please? Somewhere cool.
Yeah. Yeah, no problem.
Do it for me.
Yeah, right...!
Please. Fuck off.
Shit!
I haven't got time to dick around
with...
I've got to do this.
Pia?
Any chance you've got time
to do a job for Ashley?
Mm-hm!
Can't believe Caroline's divorced.
I mean, I guess it explains a lot.
The coldness, the shut-offness...
Literally everyone over 35 is
divorced. That's not true.
My parents aren't divorced.
Right.
What is that?
No, nothing.
Something just clicked into place
there.
Do you know what I mean, though?
Cos I've always been a bit scared
of Caroline.
But it's like with wild animals,
isn't it? They're scared of you,
too. Insightful.
Just got to know how to handle them.
Shit, I'm out of battery.
Can I use yours to send an e-mail
to my phone, please?
Erm, yeah.
OK.
Oh-ho-ho!
What's that?
Can you give it back, please?
Stalking!
Please can you...? Please!
Stalky stalky stalker!
I'm not a stalker. It looks like
that,
but, actually, I'm visiting that
page because I'm...interested in
art.
You're interested in art?
Yes. You are, are you?
Yes.
Who's your favourite artist?
Banksy.
Banksy.
What? It is. I love Banksy.
Of course it's sexual.
Oh, come on, Miles.
He's cutting out fabric.
What's he going to do, make a really
raunchy quilt?
Caroline, my kids are all under six
and have minds as pure
as San Pellegrino,
but even they'd know that a chap
doesn't hack at 500 dresses
unless it gives him a boner.
We've got an expert. Dr Khaled.
Hey, Miles. How's tricks?
Yes. And what does Dr Khaled say?
We don't know yet. We only called
him... Shut up, Will.
Sorry, yeah.
He'll say it's compulsive behaviour
with no sexual element.
Really?
Because the only compulsive
behaviour I'm seeing is, erm...
..ooh, Little Miss Winnypants here.
Don't call me that.
Well, it's understandable,
I am a bit better.
Wouldn't say you were better.
Smugger, maybe. Clinging harder
to your fading youth, perhaps.
HE CHUCKLES
You know Caroline was MY pupil once?
Oh, right!
There's Dr Khaled.
You never mentioned
that Miles was your pupil master.
I'm not proud of it.
Look at him, swaggering around
like David Davis after a wank.
Why'd you never mention it? I bet
there's loads of interesting things
you've never mentioned.
Will, here's Dr Khaled,
our expert witness.
Hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.
So, the defence is that the
dress-cutting is a habitual thing
with no sexual intent.
Right. That's what they're
going with, is it?
Ah, that's ridiculous.
We're the defendant.
Oh, shit.
OK, that's interesting. Erm, yeah,
no, that happens all the time.
That's...that's entirely possible.
You just said it was ridiculous.
It is. It is ridiculous.
Erm, but it's entirely possible.
Oh, come on, we're talking about
the human mind here.
It's a multimodal, contradictory
mystery.
Try spinning round
and saying that three times.
I've got another case tomorrow
morning. Can you get me on
before then?
Erm, yes, I reckon.
Good.
I've got to...get ready.
So, what's the case about tomorrow?
Oh, I dunno. I haven't looked at it
yet.
I'm saying she's guilty, but I just
haven't filled in the details, so...
"Now, you might think the Young
Barristers of the London Central
Circuit
"have nothing better to do than
party, and normally you'd be right."
Big laugh there.
"But we've gone over
Lord Weatheridge's proposals,
"and to quote Shawn Carter,
otherwise known as Jay-Z, it's got
99 problems...
"..at least..."
Yeah.
"..which is why, not content
with a Retort to the Report,
"we're gonna bust a new rhyme.
It's time to Withdraw for the Law."
Big graphic comes up. Boom.
Sound effect.
"And, yes, I do mean strike action."
I'm not overplaying that, am I?
Overplaying what?
That's exactly the answer
I was looking for.
So, is everything OK for the party?
The new venue, it's...edge?
Very...edge.
It's...it's all sorted.
Bloody well done. Such short notice.
Couldn't do it without you.
Yeah.
"He didn't mean to?"
Is that honestly our defence?
Maybe he DIDN'T mean to.
What do you mean to do?
Things happen. You respond naturally
or you don't.
Does a drug addict mean to get high
or an angry man mean to lash out?
Did I mean to run out of underwear
this morning?
No. Sometimes shit just happens.
People shouldn't be so judgmental.
Yeah, but by that thinking, no-one
would be guilty of anything ever
and there'd be no such thing as
crime.
Yeah, you're right.
I was just riffing.
Members of the jury, in this case,
I'm going to ask you to apply
your knowledge of the world.
I don't think any of us
were born yesterday,
but if you were, happy birthday.
CHUCKLING
This is what we psychiatrists call
"unusual and unprecedented
compulsion".
And where could this...
compulsion come from?
I dunno.
Er, his mother? His upbringing?
Could be literally anything.
You name it.
Thank you.
Could the compulsion be sexual?
No...
No.
Why not?
Erm...
Just seems really unlikely, I think.
In my professional opinion,
that's...
Do you think Miles was a bit soft
on Dr Khaled?
He's weakened lately.
Fatherhood, probably.
Yeah.
So, Ashley mentioned
that you got divorced recently.
That is true.
Do you think maybe...
you want to talk about it?
What the fuck is this?
No, it's just...
..I realise that we don't really
know that much about each other,
and isn't that weird? I mean, we
spend an awful lot of time together.
Oh, my God, you're in love with me.
Sorry?
I don't blame you.
It was bound to happen.
All I mean
is it might be nice...
PHONE BUZZES
..for us to get to know each other a
bit. Like, maybe we could go
bowling.
Yeah, no, take it. Obviously, take
it. Caroline, it's Fiona.
Oh, yeah. What do you want?
The Young Bar Society event tonight.
You're going, aren't you?
No, wasn't planning on going. Why?
Caroline, we spoke about this.
It's important to seem like
you care a little about the wider
Bar.
Go to the party. I want you to meet
Toni Markham from the Female Bar
Society.
She can really help you.
Yeah, networking really isn't my
thing. She knows you're coming.
Silk, Caroline, silk.
Yeah...
LINE DISCONNECTS
Erm... Yeah, Ashley's thing.
I might... I might go tonight,
actually.
Really? Yeah.
Might be fun. You're going, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Caroline, Caroline! You came.
That is so touching. It means so
much to me.
Yes, well, I like to
support...colleagues.
Toni! Toni, you came. That is so
touching. It means so much to me.
Ashley, our man of the moment!
Hi.
So, erm, what do you want to talk
about? You. Your life.
Ha! Pick another topic.
An old-fashioned, please.
Jigsaw puzzles?
I see Gary Cross from
Lord Weatheridge's office is here.
Does he know
you're recommending strike action?
Oh, yes.
Collecting intel for his master.
Well, I doubt I'll get a good
review.
Zero stars. Dangerously off-message.
Ashley, you really are
fantastically brave.
Brave? Ha. I mean, what's brave?
No, really. I mean, this could have
a huge effect on your chances for
silk.
Now, Toni, that's neither here nor
there. This is about principle,
not about the positive or negative
effects on one guy's silk
application.
Of course, yeah, because
the effects will be negative.
Er, negative? You-you think
they'll be negative?
Absolutely. It's a total disgrace
that Weatheridge is on the selection
panel.
Lord Weatheridge is on
the fucking selection panel?
Sorry, I assumed you knew.
Oh, I did.
Oh, it doesn't change a thing.
Great.
And then, after the marketing job,
I was in business for a while.
So, I actually ran a popcorn
start-up.
Popcorn? Er, yeah, you know, the
snack food?
Yes, I have heard of popcorn.
Yeah. It was really only a few years
ago.
So, we got in there.
Sounds like a very wasted twenties.
We were called Who's Your Poppa.
And, er, so, there was, like,
all these characters.
There was Big Tom.
He was the tomato flavour.
And there was George Papadopoulos.
He was the feta cheese flavour.
We actually got
quite a few complaints about him,
because...
I need to go to the toilet.
Fair enough. It's a bad story.
I lost confidence...in it.
Danielle, slightly different take
on the speech.
I think, in fact, I'd like you to
do it. Me?
Ashley, I am not even fully
qualified.
Well, then, someone else, then.
Someone younger.
This is the Young Bar Society,
for fuck's sake. I drive a Volvo.
Hey, hey, hey, Ashley, listen.
You are speaking up
for something you believe in.
That makes you young.
Age is not the capacity of your car
boot, it is the size of your heart.
Yes, you're right. It's about
principles.
Just principles.
Mad fucker!
Caroline Bratt, is it?
Yes. Yes. Bratt.
And you are Toni Markham.
I know who you are, too.
Good!
And that is an old-fashioned
you have there.
Yes. Yes, it is. Well, no, I mean,
the ones here are shit.
They put sugar in them.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Without sugar, it's just whisky.
Well, no, because of
the sweetness of the cherry.
No, because no decent old-fashioned
has a cherry. Just orange.
That's the most stupid fucking thing
I have ever heard. Orange bitters,
maybe.
Orange bitters are for imbeciles
and the lower types of moron.
Good to meet you, Caroline.
LAUGHS: Yes!
Toni. Nice...crossing swords
with you, too.
I'll be in touch.
Bye...Toni.
I just networked.
I did. I networked!
Let's get smashed.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Wow! ..a little quiet, please.
Our President, Mr Ashley
Jeevaratnam,
is in the house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Shut Up
by Stormzy
Hello. It's lovely to see you all.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Now...you might think that the Young
Barristers
of the London Central Circuit
would have nothing better to do
than party,
and normally you'd be right!
POLITE LAUGHTER
But we've gone over
Lord Weatheridge's proposals,
and to quote Shawn Carter,
otherwise known as Jay-Z...
..let's compromise...
..because these proposals
are controversial,
but the basis of our whole justice
system is
argument between two sides,
which is why...
LOUD BANG
Yes. ..which is why we say
to those who criticise
the Weatheridge report,
withdraw, for the...sake of
the entire legal profession.
No. We don't.
Er, don't we?
We're going on strike.
SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT
Strike. Oh, gosh.
Well, that's, er, news to me.
So I say to you then, withdraw
from striking...
..er, for the law can endure.
Compromise is the prize.
Bustin' rhymes here.
OK, er, enjoy the party. Erm...
..shout-out to the caterers.
Music.
Music.
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
No rectal smoke. I loved that.
And you're right, people just need
to get round the table.
What the fuck was that?
Er, what was what?
That!
Toni...I don't know what you want
from me.
# What are you like?
# You've had a right life
# And taken a long ride
# But, oh, what a cost... #
I'm not going to lie to you.
The job gets to you.
It's... It's long hours,
you see some unpleasant stuff.
It's...hard for people to
understand.
What I'm saying is you shouldn't
feel too guilty about cheating on
your girlfriend.
Oh, we're talking about that.
You know, we are in crime,
and people in crime tend to be
a bit naughty.
SHE CHUCKLES
No, no, Caroline, listen.
I did a bad thing.
But I've realised it's just a
decision.
It's just a decision. Yeah.
It's not about what you want,
because everybody wants lovely, bad
things sometimes. Well, maybe a lot
of the time.
You just choose the good thing.
And maybe, like, sometimes
the good thing feels like
it's getting a bit boring, or maybe
perhaps you wonder if you met the
good thing when you were a little
bit young
and if things are changing. I mean,
that's OK, I guess. Like, we're all
human.
More old-fashioneds.
Hey, Will.
Hey, Pia. Great place for a party.
You should know.
Yeah!
I should...
MUSIC STOPS
Awww! Sorry. Sorry.
MUSIC RESTARTS
Shit...
Pia? Pia?
Hi. What did you mean just then
when you said that I should know?
Don't be silly. You know this place.
No, I don't. I know OF this place.
I was desperate to find a cool
venue.
And then, weirdly, you left
your laptop
with this place's web page open,
so I called them up.
It's all down to you. Oh!
This is bad. This is really bad.
Mm. I know.
I come back to get my gym bag
to find
Mr Raincheck has tracked me down.
I didn't track you down.
Course not.
OK, I've been thinking about you a
lot. Mm-hm.
But I just want you to know that
whatever we do tonight, it has to
stop here.
Well, we can't do anything tonight.
My boyfriend's at my place.
Sorry, did you say boyfriend?
Mm-hm.
You never said you had a boyfriend
last time.
Well, I would have, but you were
rattling on about your girlfriend
so much,
the mood was flagging.
This is good. This is actually quite
good, because it means we're on the
same page.
Like, I know this sounds weird,
but...
..I kind of feel like I just need
to get you out of my system
and, like, maybe you just need
to get me out of your system.
SHE LAUGHS
Look, you turned me down, Will.
If you need a rewind, make
an effort.
Take me somewhere nice.
Or be good.
RETCHES, VOMITS
Baby, can you fetch my bag?
Er, yep. Yep.
Right leg, left leg...
There you go. OK, just, um...
Watch out.
OK, just steady yourself, and
then... Is this your house?
Oh, yeah. Cool.
OK.
Cool.
What you doing? OK...
Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS
Er...
So, thank you so much.
Yeah. Erm, OK, I'll put the keys
here, and then, er, you all right?
I feel a bit sick.
Maybe if we just
sit you down on this step.
So, was that the juror?
Er... Er, yeah.
Did well.
Let's just sit down.
Why not?
So you don't hurt yourself.
Ooh!
Oh, Caroline.
Oh, God.
MILES: A man...
DOOR SLAMS
..arrives!
I have to be on the 12.12 or I'm
in trouble, but we still have time.
Will!
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Hey. Hey.
Er... Caroline...
..I thought I should return your
keys.
Remember? I had to borrow them...
..er, last week...
..when I came to...collect...
..a bicycle?
What?
Oh, er, yes, the...
..bicycle, which you're very welcome
to. And thank you for the keys.
Great. So, erm...
KEYS RATTLE
I've dropped them off.
Sorry it's so late.
Sorry, Will.
Oh, that's OK.
So, I should probably be
heading off.
Yes, yes.
See you later.
I should probably, erm, stay to...
Help with the dishes.
Yes, you could do with some help
with those, could you?
Er, night. Night, Will. Bye.
MILES LAUGHS
GROANS
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Caroline. Mm.
Will!
Hi.
So you admit to the jury...
Sorry.
You admit to the jury that you cut
these squares out of women's
dresses. Yes.
It's an odd compulsion of mine,
but quite innocent.
I don't know why I do it,
for the life of me.
In my youth, I loved fashion.
Thank you.
My colleague Mr Flynn
might have some questions for you.
Mr Frobisher, erm, for clarity,
I'm going to take you through the
process of this...compulsion. Is
that OK?
Of course.
You see a woman
wearing a dress you like on the
Tube, yes?
That's correct.
You follow her on the down
escalator.
Her neck is at your chest
or stomach level.
That's right.
Slowly you reach
into your bag to retrieve your
scissors.
They're cold, smooth.
The material of the dress
flutters slightly
in the almost imperceptible breeze
of the Tube.
God, he's lost it.
You raise the scissors...
..and you cut.
Snip.
Snip.
Snip.
Yes.
The cloth comes away.
You feel its warp, its weft
in your fingers
and then, only then...
..you pocket it.
No further questions, Your Honour.
Mr Frobisher, you may step down.
What, now?
There are no more questions? No.
Please step out of the box.
Fuck.
What? What's going on?
I think our client has got a boner.
Oh, God.
Er, if I may, a few more questions,
Mr Frobisher, what would your
grandmother say
about you collecting these swatches?
My...grandmother?
Yes, your withered grandmother,
rotting in her grave.
Or do you like cricket?
Ms Bratt, are these questions
strictly...?
Good God.
Members of the jury,
I feel it should be noted
that the defendant is currently
sporting a particularly
prominent erection.
MURMURING
Make of that what you will.
You'll probably just get
a community order...
..or a few weeks,
given you have done it 639 times.
Well, we gave it a good shot.
Oh, er, Will, did you, erm...?
Got you these.
Excellent!
Air around the ankles.
It's what life's about.
Poor guy.
Who?
Oh, yeah, him. Erm,
by the way, erm, you know
what you saw last night?
You know if you mention it...
Sure. Tenancy gone. Life gone.
Yeah, you get it. I mean,
it's not as serious as it looks.
He just has a key to your house.
Sure.
I mean, it's been going on for a
while, but, you know, I can stop
when I want.
Yeah. And the thing you saw with me,
again, just another one-off.
Yeah, course.
We'll stop now.
Yeah.
Yeah.