Defending the Guilty (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Do not underestimate
what I will do to get this job.

There are four of us, and, erm,
Chambers are only going to

give us one place.

It's a real privilege getting to
learn from the Head of Chambers.

The YouTube Paedo Nazi?

He's doing that? I have to shadow
him on that case.

Liam and Pia have been
getting all the good work.

Will. You're the one
who boinked the juror.

Are you asking me to do
the YouTube Paedo Nazi?

Oh, I thought it might be fun
to work on together.

If I take the case,



it's a bit like I'm sort of
confirming for everyone

that I am the guy

who cheats on his girlfriend.
You are that guy.

You think I'm giving you work
because you bounced on some juror?

Erm... Right!

I'll see if the odd blonde girl
wants it.

CHATTER

It's a tricky one!

I mean, look at her. She aced
the YouTube Paedo Nazi case,

and now she's working for
all the top guys in Chambers.

Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?

Yep. I'm just thinking it better.

Pints.
Cheers.

No worries.
I'll get you back.



Can't stay too long. Making dinner
for my girlfriend.

Ooh! Which one?
Very funny, Liam.

What you guys talking about?

Taylor Swift over there. She's
getting work we can only dream of.

While we're stuck with all the
crap jobs.

I don't know - Caroline's letting me
draft a response to a hearsay
application,

so I guess that's a sign
of her trust.

I mean, it's good, but it's not
the YouTube Paedo Nazi.

This is like cycling.

She's the outrider,

we're the crowd behind. The
question is

do we hang out here sniffing each
other's arse fumes,

or do we work together,
hunt her down, crush her?

Crush Pia? All she does
is work and babble.

That's like ganging up
on WALL-E.

I hate WALL-E.
Robot twat.

OK...

Are you in or out?

I'm Premier Inn.

You guys scheme your evil schemes.
Just don't get me involved.

It's not my style.

Cheated on your girlfriend.

Still doing that.

You guys have no idea
what happened,

so...maybe give it a rest.
I just think

it's important to remember that your
shit doesn't smell of Skittles.

Yeah. Your shit smells of shit.

OK, you can have that pint.
See you later.

Oh, come on!

You know what? Can I just tell
you what actually happened,

to put an end to all this?

Selina and I kissed.

And it wasn't like,
"Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

"I'm kissing you on the mouth.
Whoops."

It was like, "Whoa, this is real
kiss. This is proper kiss.

"This is mouth on mouth.
Mouth town."

Brilliant.

And then suddenly she calls a taxi
and we're in the back of the taxi

and we're kissing some more. And
the whole time, I'm thinking,

"This is really fucked up,
this is really fucked up,
this is really fucked up,"

but I can't stop kissing her,
because it feels fucking amazing.

Go on...

We arrive at her house,

and she looks at me,
and she says,

"So...you wanna come in?"

And I look at her,

and I say,

"Can I take a raincheck?"

What? What did you say?

You psychopath. It's like you
stabbed the guard, blew up the safe

and then decided you didn't want the
money. I can't get a handle on you.

OK. All I'm saying is that I
love Nessa, I love my girlfriend.

I fucked up,
but it's good that I stopped.

Admittedly, I should have
stopped quite a bit sooner,

but I did a good thing, maybe after
I'd done some bad things,

but given the circumstances,
I think I did pretty well.

"Can I take a raincheck?"

No, I don't like that.
Not one bit.

LIAM LAUGHS

I guess we'll have to
deal with Pia ourselves.

Yeah.

Shall we get some pork
scratchings?

Yeah.

Working on your big application,
buddy? Yeah. Sorry.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh. Caroline.
Yeah, just to say,

we're in court first thing tomorrow,
so get to bed early.

Er...yep, sure, OK.

Last-minute brief from the CPS.
Granny basher. Should be fun.

Oh, cool. Sounds brilliant.
See you at Chambers.

Oh, they've fucking
gone and done it now!

You seen that?
Thank you so much

for giving me that hearsay
application, Caroline.
It's such...

Oh, yeah, about that...
Caroline,

have you seen this shit?
Don't tell me,

we've run out of kitchen towel
in the first-floor coffee area.

Not that. Lord Weatheridge's
report.

More cuts to legal aid, and the
Bar Council have just gone
and approved it.

It's a pissing disgrace.

Where are you getting this
from?

Well, from Twitter, obviously.
Where do you get your legal
news from?

It's a message board.

You have a username
and then you just chat.

There's about 50 of us on
there, all regulars.

Oh, er, shame about the
cuts, though. "Shame"?

This merits strike action.

I'm bringing this up in my role
as President of the Young Bar
Society.

"Young Bar"? Ashley, you're
40.

Yes, Caroline,
I am an older young barrister.

But as older young barristers,

we need to set an example for our
younger young colleagues.

Our future lies with the
young. Mmm.

Of all ages.

I should probably read about
those plans.

E-mail me that tweet,
will you?

E-mail you the tweet?

Do you want me to do that for
you?

I know how to do it.
She's just...

Luddite.

Evidence still hasn't come through.

Always happens with overnight
returners. Just keep checking.

I didn't know you prosecuted.

Now and then.

I'm a treat.

Calm. Fair. Relentless as the
rain

down a hiker's arse crack.

I guess it makes it easier that the
guy's beaten up a granny.

Right, there's your first
mistake.

The prosecutor is first and foremost
an instrument of justice.

Mm? Does the bread hook
pity the dough?

Or the whisk despise the
cream?

No? Precisely. They do their job,

and they leave judgment out
of it.

Doesn't do to be judgey.

Any of us could end up
decking a granny someday.

I don't think I could ever end
up decking a granny.

What if she was a terrorist
granny?

I'd call the police, probably.

What if she had a bomb
that was about to explode?

Then I would try to disarm her
gently,

because she is a granny.

So pious.

PHONE CHIMES
Oh, link's just come through.

That's not good, is it?

Matty, can I explain how trials
work?

Caroline, I'm just in a bit of
a... What happens is we barristers

cite evidence that the police
and the CPS - that's you...

Yep. ..have loaded on to the
system.

Then the judge and jury look
at it.

There's been a fuck-up,
hasn't there?

I've got a trial in 15 minutes and
there's no evidence on the system,

just an indictment and a police case
summary that says... Will?

"He hurt the old lady proper
bad."

No. No, no, no, it can't just
say that.

Just...

Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Shit, no.

Actually,

this trial's already been delayed
twice for lack of, erm...

Who's the reviewing lawyer?
I'll call in.

Kelly Marten.

Er, yeah, no point.

Er, Kelly's taking a break.

Well, you can't blame her. These
cuts have hit the CPS hard.

Creaky system.
Sure. And before that,

you were like a bureaucratic
SAS.

Where's the officer in the case? He
should have the hard evidence.

Where is he? I don't know.
I haven't seen him.

Oh, do you want me to find
him? Yeah,

I want you to find him.

Find my bloody evidence,
you monochrome moron.

Earn your piss-poor salary!

Infuriating!
SIGHS: Tell me about it.

The thing is, the CPS do
control the work,

so you've got to be nice
to them.

Right...

OK, Will, let's find our
complainant.

Why is Graham smiling at me?

If it's Graham Tandy,
he's defending.

Strange man. Always has a packed
lunch with him.

Graham, how are you?

Caroline! This is the third
scheduled trial.

My client's been in custody
for six months.

I'm getting a discharge.

Nasty. You should have that
looked at. Not from my penis,

from the judge.

Oh, come on, Graham,
you know what it's like.

Give me half a day to find the
evidence

and I will give him the fairest
trial.

Would you give me half a
day?

Always.

I want a discharge, Caroline.

All right, all right, don't spill
your cheesy dippers.

A packed lunch is a sensible
economy. I have three children.

I don't care if you're Captain
von Trapp,

you should see yourself
sucking a Capri Sun.

SHE SUCKS

Oh, fuck.

Oh, hey, Danielle.

Pia! Nice to see you.
You too.

I've been shadowing the Head of
Pupillage on an interlocutory.

Cool, right?
Yeah.

Danielle?

Hm? I'm so sorry.

Four months as pupils, and you
and I have barely chatted.

It's OK. We both work hard.
No.

No, my mum's always telling
me off for not making friends.

She says I focus too much
on academic achievement

and not enough on, you
know, social achievement.

Yeah.

Cool.

Do you have a boyfriend?
Er,

well...
I do.

His name's John. He's a baby tenant
at Furcifer Chambers, planning law.

I know. So me.

Sorry, complete your sentence.

Oh, well, I'm not really
in the market at the moment.

Oh, preach. Yeah, boys are too much
trouble.

Yeah.

The other day, John came round
drunk while I was working late,

and I ended up wanking him
off into the Chambers cafetiere.

You did what?

In the first-floor coffee area?

There's never any kitchen
towel, is there?

Oh, hello.

Welcome to Witness Services. All
right, who's in charge here?

I'm looking for an Annie Scott.

I'm Kirsten. I'm doing work
experience for my aunt
in the court office.

The witness volunteer didn't
show up, so I'm subbing in.

Great, now we're using child
labour.

Haven't got an Annie.
It's mad round here, innit?

Mm, pretty wild, yeah.

Sergeant Wells is not
responding at his home.

He was working nights last
night,

so he's probably, you know,
catchin' some zees.

He's on nights when he's meant to be
in court?

I mean, that's a cock-up,
but you know the police -
they're so stretched.

Yeah, yeah, creaky system.
Keep trying.

TANNOY: All parties in the case of
Moreland to Court One, please.

OK. I will play for time.

You need to get a new statement
from the complainant.

That's enough to start a trial if
Matt doesn't get the old one here
on time.

Find that granny.

And this is big - do not let her
know that we've lost the evidence.

Sorry, hang on. Shouldn't
the complainant know?

God, no. Never inform the
complainant.

They're unpredictable.
They do runners,
they withdraw their evidence.

But she's already given a
statement. She's going to
know that something's up.

What am I supposed to say
to her? She's an elderly woman.

She's scared, she's confused,
and you are her lawyer.

You can tell her any old crap
you like.

You're her lawyer.

All right?

You seem happy...

Pia wanked off her boyfriend
into the first-floor cafetière.

What? Last week.

His genetic material is in most
of Chambers by now.

Oh, my God.

Most of them go ape
if you get the blend wrong.

Imagine when they find out they've
been drinking balls latte.

Exactly.

Such quick results!

We make a great team.
Yep, I collect the intelligence,

you spread it.

Come again?

It's better that way.

Division of labour.

And when women tell on women,
it never looks good.

Fuck off.

What?
I'm not telling people this.

I'll look awful.
Hey,

we're meant to be a team.

No, no, no.

This is a double takedown.

Pia goes down for the
cafetiere and people think I'm
some kind of slimeball.

People already think you're a
slimeball.

Oh, they suspect it.
They don't know it.

OK, then what are we going
to do?

Because this intel is dead
unless we spread it.

"Chumbo"'s not a word, is it?
"Chundo"?

Annie? Annie Scott?
Yes.

Hello!
Hi, I'm Will.

Oh, you're here.
Annie, shall I just, er,

take these puzzles and pop them in
your special folder?

Yep? I'll give them back later.

Er, so, this is Will.
He's your barrister.

He's the one that presents our
case.

Yes, I remember how it works.

It's my third time here.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm getting used to it.

Sorry, I'm Beth, Victim
Support.

Hello there, nice to meet you.
Er, sort of,

er, like a professional friend
and explainer for Annie,
because she's old.

Not professional as in paid,
as in fully trained and...

..er, very enthusiastic.
Oh, well, that's brilliant!

Thank you! Er, just to be
clear, I'm not actually
the barrister.

I'm the pupil.
Wonderful.

What is that?

What is...?
A pupil. What is it?

I-I-I can't explain if I don't
know.

Well, it's just like a trainee.
Right, OK.

So, Annie, Will is sort of
a trainee to your barrister.

Actually, your boss really
should have come and
introduced himself.

Yeah, so, Caroline, er,
she's in court at the moment.

But what she wanted from
you, Annie, is, er,
a sort of statement.

A statement? Yeah, she's already
done a statement.

Er, yes. So this would just be
like a second statement.
It's very common.

Well, it's never happened in
my experience, and I've done
nine trials.

It's not common-common,
but it's kind of like...

Why would the young lad lie
to us, Beth?

Exactly. I mean, I'm not a liar.
So...

Well, I'm not saying you're a
liar.

Er, I'll tell you what, Annie,

I'm going to go and get the court
officer. I'll just be a couple of
minutes.

Sorry, I've got a leaflet here,
Will, er, called The Criminal
Process,

which you're probably familiar with.
Doesn't say anything in here

about a second statement.
Yeah, don't worry about it.

I'm not sure why you would
even need one.

I mean, is there something
wrong with the first one?

No, no. God, no. No, the first one
was great. We were thrilled...

I mean, not thrilled with it,

obviously, because of the
specifics of it.
Er, obviously very harrowing.

Yeah.
Yeah, but, er...

I tell you what, Beth, would it
be OK if just you and I

have a quick chat in the CPS
room?

The CPS room?
Yeah.

Well, er...

Er, Annie? Do you mind waiting for
me in Witness Services?

I won't be a minute. All right?

I think she'll be all right.

Lead on, Macduff.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I've heard from both counsel.

Ms Bratt,

this is this trial's third listing.

The defendant has been in
custody for 180 days.

We start now.

Your Honour, can I...?
No, no, Miss Bratt. This chap

pleads not guilty. You can offer no
evidence, and everyone can go home.

Mr Tandy, er,

please bring in your client
and we can get started.

Er...Your Honour, this is where we
have a problem.

My client is not here.

The van from the prison
has yet to turn up.

Apologies, Your Honour.

Some problem with the contractors
of the prison van.

With the cuts.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Creaky system.

Exactly, Your Honour.

Well, Ms Bratt...

..you have until the
defendant turns up.

I've never been in the CPS
room.

This is special.

Yeah.

Yeah. Er...

So Beth, I was thinking that you and
I could maybe do with consulting

as to what's best for Annie.

Good. Yes, good. Yeah. I mean, I've
only been doing this a short time,

but I have already noticed this
silly gap between the barristers

and the support.
We are on the same side.

Yeah, I know, exactly.

So Caroline, who, as you
know, is actually legally
qualified,

er, she thinks that we should
get a second statement.

Sure. Yeah.
Yeah.

No.

No, I... You know,
Annie has been through a lot.

I worry that going through her
testimony again might unsettle her.

Really? She seems OK.

That woman was beaten

and trapped in her own
bathroom for 26 hours.

I mean, you have read
the original statement.

Yes. No, yes, I have.

Absolutely, yeah.
Dreadful.

I remember that bit,
definitely. Exactly.

So I don't think...

OK, Beth, I'm really sorry,
I'm going to have to come clean
with you.

We don't have the old
statement,

because we've lost it,

along with all of the rest
of the evidence.

You've done what?

Good news! I've bought us
some time. Did you get that
statement?

You've lost the evidence?

Who's she? It's OK.
This is Victim Support.

How could you have lost the
evidence?

Why are you telling her
we've lost the evidence?

Because you wanted
a second statement.

This is dreadful. We need to
let Annie know. What the hell
are you up to?

We didn't think it was right
to worry our client.

You have no evidence

on the morning of the trial.
No, I'm sorry, Annie needs
to know.

No. Grab her. Grab her.
No, keep your hands off me.

I wasn't going to.
Excuse me.

My hands are not near you.

Grab her!
I can't grab her, obviously.

Is this locked?!
No, Beth.

Help! Let me out!
Beth, can I just...?

Help!
Can I just show you? Pull it.

Yeah? Thank you.

I did it. I did it. Sergeant Wells
is awake. He's...

..30 minutes away, max.

Excellent. The officer will
have all the original evidence,

and no-one needs to scare
the horses. Right,

well, er, I'll tell Annie
everything's all right.

Yeah, you tell your victim
everything's all right,
you make her a nice cuppa

and you get your Brownie
first-aid badge out of my
operating theatre.

Safety door.

OK.

So we're sitting on
this cafetière information,

but we can't be seen to distribute
it. Agreed?

Agreed.

Behold.

What the fuck is that?

@SneakyBarrister,

the new gossip service spilling the
beans on the London barrister scene.

No leads. No trace.

No followers.

Sure, we'll have to build up a
base, put out a few other
tasty titbits,

to attract some followers.

Titbits like what?
Easy.

So, I write...

"Will from 60 Bedford Row
slept with

"a juror named Selina."

We find some more titbits,

maybe an Insta account

to divert followers.

And when we get to a few
thousand, boom, we drop the
bombshell.

So basically your plan
involves

several weeks of a fully integrated
social media strategy.

OK...

Scrub that.

Let's post the cafetiere story
now and repost it ourselves.

From our own accounts?

Fair point. Bad idea.

THEY SIGH

Sitting on a gold mine.

It's fun having you around. You're
like one of those extra hobbits,
you know,

the two who just mess things
up and keep it interesting.

The whole day has been
stupid chaos.

The system's creaking
more than normal. Still,

CPS screwed us,

the van driver
screwed the defence.

That is justice, basically.

Oh, I meant to say, you won't
have had time to do that
hearsay application.

No, it's fine, I stayed up really
late, so just a few bits
and bobs.

No, it's OK.

I got that Pia girl to do it.

OK...

Yeah, she whipped it up this
morning. Pretty great, actually.

What if she was a racist?
Who, Pia?

Hypothetical granny.
Would you beat her up then?

All grannies are a little bit
racist, aren't they?

OK, worse than racist.
What if she was Hitler?

Then she wouldn't be a
granny. She'd be Hitler.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our saviour, Sergeant Wells.

Do you know Caroline?
From the other side.

Sorry I'm late. Creaky system.

Yeah, creaky system. Ready to go
now. Just one thing.

Can I print off copies of the
evidence? Didn't have time to
stop by the station.

Sorry, you don't have the
evidence?

Well, as I say...

We don't have the evidence.

We thought you had
the evidence.

Well, I'm not meant to be the only
guy with the evidence.

OK. This is fine. We'll call the
station.

If it's not here in time, we'll
get the statement out of Annie.

I can't find Annie.
I've looked everywhere.

I think she's gone.

I had it at the case meeting.
Look in the drawer.

Not the bottom drawer,
the top drawer.

EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE

I'm trying to find your
neighbour, Annie.

Annie, yes.

Yes. So can you tell her that
Beth....?

Beth.

No, B-E-T-H.

PHONE BUZZES
H. That's it.

Hello? Will, good news.
Have you got a minute?

Sorry, just give me a second.

OK, sorry, what's up?

Pia wanked off her boyfriend
into the first-floor cafetière.

Oh! Nice.

I know. And I just want to
say...
KNOCKING

..this is nothing to do with
our chat last night,

but we do think

that someone senior in Chambers
should know, if only for health
reasons.

That's very nice of you.

KNOCKING CONTINUES.
And I thought if you told
Caroline,

no-one would question your
intentions, because you're
such a stand-up guy

and, you know, everyone in Chambers
really respects you.

Yeah, nice try, Danielle.
Sorry, I've got to go.

We all just love hygiene
and coffee!

Fuck.

Sorry you had to find me in
here, but...

..Beth was lurking in the
foyer, so I couldn't leave.

Thank you for staying.

And you know what? It's really
natural to feel nervous before
a trial.

Especially if you've lost the
evidence.

OK. Shit. Er...

Well...

..firstly, the evidence
will turn up, hopefully.

And second of all, even if it
doesn't,

we can actually do it
with just your testimony.

I see.

So it's little old me alone against
one of you barristers.

It was supposed to be
a guilty plea on the day.

Yeah.

The thing is, if we don't put this
guy in prison, he could attack
again.

Won't attack me again!

I've been duffed up
once in 75 years.

I'd be bloody unlucky
for it to happen to me again.

Could happen to other
people, I guess.

LAUGHS

"Other people"!

Oh, listen, son,

you won't go far wrong
if you keep this in mind -

what's in it for me?

As far as this goes, well,

I'm the victim here.
Don't I get to choose?

Well, unless you think
the evidence will turn up...

I don't know.

If you don't want to do the trial, I
don't think you should do the trial,
Annie.

You seem a bit soft for this
line of work.

If you don't mind me saying.
No, it's fine.

It's been said before.

JUDGE: With the CPS offering no
evidence, this case cannot continue,

and you leave without a stain
on your character.

MUSIC PLAYING

CAROLINE: It's an arse, but
nothing we can do. Not
feeling too cut up, are you?

Er, no. I mean, that's the thing
about complainants.

Can't rely on them.

Look at you, hardening up.
Oh!

Apparently, a pupil at some
Chambers

wanked off her boyfriend
into the Chambers cafetiere.

LAUGHS

Oh, right!

Oh. Hang on.

Can I have a takeaway coffee
in the morning?

Yep. Sure.

See you tomorrow.

PHONE BUZZES

Hey, chicken.

NESSA: Hey. Where are you?

Er, just finishing up at work.
I'll be home in a bit.

OK. I'll see you soon.
OK.

All right, see you.
Bye.