Defending the Guilty (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Mike, this is Will, my hot young pupil.

Are you going to be a barrister, then?

Oh, yeah, fingers crossed.
There are four of us

and Chambers are only
going to give us one place.

It's actually kind of scary.

The junior tenants did odds on
which one of us would get tenancy.

So, if Danielle is Angry Chav,
then I'm guessing I'm...

.. DJ Stupid.

This is what you wanted.

You're making a difference,
helping people in need.

Yeah, I'm helping people
in need, mostly, I guess.



Hello!

To be guilty of a crime, normally,

you have to do it, and
also intend to do it.

Your Honour, my pupil is
acquainted with juror number three.

- How so, Mr Packham?
- There was a kiss.

Will, quick question --
how's your girlfriend?

- What are we doing this for?
- Just... ice?

To win! A barrister burns to win.

- QC interviews next week.
- Actually, I didn't apply.

I mean, what's silk?

I don't need my talent confirmed
by some cloak of... worm spunk.

Well, this is secluded.

Feels very cloak-and-dagger.

It was just the only place
I could get a table.



Um, do you think I can
be seen from the window?

It's just we're backlit,

and I have very recognisable hair.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know.

Most QC candidates use a
consultant these days.

- Perhaps that's where you went wrong.
- How do you mean, went wrong?

I didn't apply for silk, Fiona.

According to my mate at
QC Appointments, you did.

Maybe your mate is mistaken.

He definitely saw your name on the list.

Maybe he hallucinated.

Maybe he was reading about me,

then shifted his gaze to the list

thus provoking an optical illusion.

Why have you asked me here, Caroline?

Well, as I say, I didn't apply for QC,

but if I did apply,

um, I'd like to know...

.. why would they not want me?

Why would they think I was bad?

Well, I can make a few phone calls,

find out what people are saying about you,

- so you're on top of things
this time round. - Great.

First time round. But, yeah,
I'll drink to that. To new, um...

- A new start. - Yeah, well, not a
new start. There wasn't an old start.

- New something, though.
- Well, I mean, I like "new",

- but I don't want to imply
any previous... - New things?

Yes, great, new things.

New things.

- Caroline!
- Morning.

- How's Mummy's bouncing boy?
- Yeah, pretty good.

New bike, and Nessa's
coming back today, so...

- Who's Nessa?
- Er, my girlfriend?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Excellent evidence summary
you put together last night.

Feels like you're getting
the hang of things.

Really? Thanks, Caroline.

- Your advice...
- All right, don't go on about it.

Oh, and, er, there's a bag I
need you to get from Chambers.

Won't be a hassle, will it?

Er, no.

No, that's not a hassle at all.

Whoa, OK!

Sorry. I know.

- Get off the road!
- Chill out.

OK, Danielle. Picture this.

You've been in court all day.

Murder...

.. or some abuse case.

Your head's filled with depravity,

human suffering even you've
never seen before. Is this...

.. your jam?

Check it. Yeah.

- It's social commentary, too.
- Great tune. Love it.

As you have every track I've played
you this week. We are so simpatico.

- Coffee, Ashley?
- I think I may have had too much.

No, no, it... it's no problem.

Absolutely not.

- That is one explanation, Miss
Jackson. - Hey, Danielle. - All right.

Another would be that
you gave him the poison.

Say, "That's not what happened at all."

Oh.

That's not what happened at all.

Really?

I have no further questions.

What the fuck are you doing?

Doubty face.

Letting the jury know I
find her evidence dubioso.

Looks like a camel stifling climax.

Miles is brilliant at it.

He could make Malala look shifty.

It's a real privilege, getting to
learn from the Head of Chambers.

Because your mam knows him.

Because he finds me indispensable.

I'm his ever-ready right hand.

- Like wanking.
- No, Pia. Not like wanking.

Don't mind me. Just on
my way to Kennington.

Caroline said my evidence
summary was excellent, so...

Oh, well done, Ladies.
What's in Kennington?

Oh, just an ABH. Sorry,
what did you just call me?

Ladies. It's your new name.

It's like Ladies' Man but
I shortened it because,

well, I suppose, I'm an artist.

It's because you boinked that juror.

What? I didn't boink her.

Oh, really? Cos Liam says you boinked her.

He knew the positions and everything.

- Pia, I need a point of law looking at.
- Sure, Angela.

- Mail me the link.
- Are you Will? - Yes.

Hm.

How many people in Chambers
know about the juror thing?

I don't know. Maybe...

.. everyone?

Sorry, Ladies.

Labels stick.

This kid I knew wet
himself in a mascot suit

first night of Freshers' Week.

For the rest of uni, everyone
called him Pissbear Liam...

Ian! Pissbear Ian.

Ian was his name.

Thanks, Miles.

Do you know about this? Everyone in
Chambers thinks I shagged the juror?

- No. Does it matter?
- Yes.

Because it was just a one-off drunk kiss.

Angela just looked at me
like I smell of roast baby.

Will, shut the fuck up and move on.

- What are you doing?
- I'm hiding from Ashley.

I'm waiting to bump into Miles.

He's got this big, new case coming up.

The alt-right online
guy who filmed the kids?

The YouTube Paedo Nazi. He's doing that?

Yeah. I have to shadow him on that case.

Liam and Pia have been
getting all the good work.

- Liam, are you ready?
- No, since Majewski, the test for recklessness

is subjective, not objective.

- You should really
know this, Will! - What?

Will?

Will.

I've heard your name.

You're the one who boinked the juror.

Er, yes, but as I've been
explaining to these guys...

Awesome stuff. Great to meet you.

Oh, thank you very much, thank you.

- I was kind of his wingman.
- Oh, I'm sorry, did somebody speak?

- Er, me.
- No.

Surely nobody would
interrupt our conversation!

Will...

.. what is the number-one
thing a barrister strives for?

Oh. To win.

Pana-a-a-ache.

- Panache?
- You must cultivate a myth.

Not me, of course. I'm... married.

I mean, maybe in my day, perhaps.

Actually, I was a pupil
with Liam's mother.

She'll tell you.

What?

But, no, not these days.

Three kids. Three...

.. beautiful kids.

Panache.

Panache.

Mush!

Thank you.

- She hit me in the tit.
- OK.

Because Deanna says you came
at her right from the start.

Nah, not true. I was there, like,
I mean, I went round to hers,

yeah, but to reason it
out, cos she was squatting

- on the father of my kids.
- So you discovered your boyfriend

- was at Deanna's and went round.
- Yeah, but to be reasonable.

Like, tell them, I'm there
reasonable and she hit me

- in the tit.
- What were Deanna's injuries?

Permanent scarring to the
face. Three cracked ribs.

Yeah, I fucked her up in self-defence.

So it's your word against hers.

Hm.

This could come down
to who the jury like...

.. more.

I got bail, innit? It's my right.

Hetty. Hetty!

- Oh, my fucking God!
- Lee?! What is he doing here?

- Will, can you see him off?
- OK, mate.

- Hetty!
- Be a bit manly.

OK, mate. No, thank you! No, thank you!

I want to talk to Hetty.
I knew she was up today.

- I wondered where the kids were.
- With my sister!

- No business of yours, is it?
- Look, Hetty, can we just talk?

- It's all over with Deanna.
- Oh, piss off, Lee! Piss off!

You heard the lady, thank you very much.

- Thank you. Let's scoot.
- All right.

Afternoon.

I'm not going back to him.

You know, he's always begging
me, but it's a trust thing.

And once that trust's been
broken three or four times,

it's just, you know. So put me
up to witness. I'll tell them.

Er, no. No, no, no, Hetty. We're
not going to put you in the box.

You've got a ton of
previous, and studies show

juries prefer non-aggressive,
sober, clear witnesses.

No way, no. I'm clear! I'm clear!

I always...

No.

- Well, how are you going to do it, then?
- You keep quiet,

I go after Deanna, and we'll let
the jury form their own impressions.

Sound like a plan, yeah?

Oh, and this needs to change.

- Did you bring the bag? - What, my
clothes? - It's in the robing room.

- Great. What size are you? - 12. - 12.

- 16.
- Hm? What?

Hello?

Hello, is that the Don
Juan of Bedford Row?

- Er, who is this?
- It's Miles, Will.

Your learned Head of Chambers.

Just calling to say, try not to make
love to the entire jury pool today.

Yeah, got to keep some
eligible for trial, eh?

It's members of the jury,
not members in the jury.

"Summon the jury", not "come on the jury".

Don't be fucking disgusting!

- Stand over there!
- OK.

Hope you don't mind the bawdinage, Will.

So, I've got this case, big media thing.

A vlogger who maybe
likes to film under-12s.

The YouTube Paedo Nazi.

Are you asking me to do
the YouTube Paedo Nazi?

I thought it might be
fun to work on together.

I say "together" you will do exactly
as you're told. It starts next week.

That is, of course, as long
as Caroline doesn't need you.

Fuck Caroline. Actually, please
don't tell her I said that.

- I'll keep your secrets
if you keep mine. - Yeah.

- Speak soon.
- Thanks, Miles. Thank you. OK, bye.

I'm not wearing this.

Put it on.

- Chelsea Bun?
- Woof. You're getting to know me.

Who were you talking to?

Miles. That was Miles.

- Our honey-voiced Head of Chambers.
- Yeah. - You should hear him in court.

Like listening to an
audiobook called Oily Wanker.

He's actually asked me to shadow
him on the YouTube Paedo Nazi case.

Look at you, spreading your wings!

Thank you. Yeah.

I think he only likes me
because of the juror thing.

Like I think he thinks I'm
sort of a player or something?

Good. A barrister needs a brand.
Didn't want to say it before,

- but you were coming across as a
bit vanilla. - You've definitely

- said that before. - Don't think so.
- You said I was like vanilla cream

mixed with vanilla custard
on a rich vanilla bun.

OK, that does sound like me. Well,
well done. You've punched through.

Thank you. Thank you, yeah. No. It's good.

It's good news. Really... pleased.

It's just, I guess, if I take the case,

it's a bit like I'm confirming
for everyone that I am the guy

- who cheats on his girlfriend.
- You are that guy.

Yeah, but I don't want
it to be the first thing

that people think of
when they think of... me.

Maybe I should just give Miles a
call back. Try to give him a sense

of what I'm actually like.

And lose the case? What's the
point? You're not being honest

- with your girlfriend, are you?
- Er, yeah, when I get home this evening

I'm going to tell her everything.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You're, what, 21 years old?

- Er, 29, but thank you.
- This will not do. You've got to start doing

what's best for the situation,
not running around like

- a wide-eyed truth puppy shitting
in his own breakfast. - Yeah, it's not

actually your place to give
me advice when it comes to

my relationships. But thank you
for your... your perspective

is valuable, as always.
Thank you so much, Caroline.

Listen to me. I do not want to be
dragging around some lovelorn loser

for the next eight months. You're
going to take this work from Miles

and you are not going to be
honest with your girlfriend, OK?

Ready.

Oh, yes.

You are perfect.

And, at this point, you
say, my client attacked you?

Yes.

She just came at me out the blue.

- You were surprised?
- Not really.

- She's a very violent person.
- A very violent person, you claim.

Must have been scary for you,

this very frightening woman
confronting you on your doorstep,

when all you'd done was
sleep with her man.

Yeah. It was scary.

Another thing that must have been scary,

you once got into a fight

with a woman outside a bar
in the city centre, yes?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Got a police caution. What happened there?

Fight over a man?

- Was it a fight over a man?
- Yes. It's not the same.

- There are similarities.
- It's not the same.

It is sort of the same.
Problem for you, isn't it,

Miss Lewis? You're a slender
woman. Good for nicking husbands.

Not so good for winning
the fight afterwards.

That bitch put me in hospital!

You hit my client first, didn't you?

No.

No more questions, Your Honour.

- That's a really good doubty face.
- Watch and learn. Watch and learn.

Thank you, Miss Lewis. You may step down.

Members of the jury, now we turn
to the defendant's criminal record.

- God, here goes the Shipping Forecast.
- In January 1998,

she received a warning for
being drunk and disorderly.

In March 1999, she received...

What do you reckon? How
are the jury taking it?

Year Three coffee morning hated Deanna.

Yeah, that's right, home-wrecker's
coming for your husbands next.

General Ukip just wants
to send anyone down.

He's unhappy there's a trial.

You see, this is fun of it, Will.
You play 'em. Image management.

You know, we could have
a chance here. 50/50.

.. finally, in July 2016,

a conviction for threats
with a bladed article,

the threatened person in that
case being a 14-year-old papergirl.

- 60/40.
- 70/30.

Court rise.

♪ Elope with me, Miss Private,
and we'll sail around the world

♪ I will be your Ferdinand
and you my wayward girl

♪ How many nights of talking
in hotel rooms can you take?

♪ How many nights of limping
round on pagan holidays... ♪

So it's been an interesting day.

I phoned up a few movers and shakers
to see what they said about you.

Like I care.

- I can leave this bit out.
- No, go on. Go on.

OK. In court, "she's
unrelenting", "determined".

You cross-examine "like a Komodo dragon".

Those are the lizardy ones that
bite you and then watch as you die.

Wow.

Really? I'm blushing here.

I also asked about you as
a colleague, as a person,

and that was enlightening, too.

Go on.

So, we have "horrible,
horrible, horrible".

As a person, "she's not a person,"

someone said. Bit smart-aleck, I thought.

Other key phrases were
"frowning cuss witch",

"like a sarcastic tractor",

- "horrible, horrible, horrible"...
- You've said that one.

That was two separate people.

And a judge friend was kind
enough to feed in by e-mail,

and she just said, "Able, but twat."

Oh.

- I think a healthy respect...
- To be honest, Caroline,

- it seems you have a real
likeability problem. - So what?

I'm supposed to be less
confrontational? Smile more?

I'm a criminal barrister, not
some reporter from The One Show.

Caroline, the most important
thing is that you be yourself.

- There you go! Great!
- Unless you want to apply for silk again,

in which case you have nine months
to become someone different.

Someone a little sunnier, more optimistic.

- Hey, Liam. - This is deception
and fraud. - What's going on?

- He got the YouTube Paedo Nazi.
- Oh, well done, Will.

It's not a big deal. Miles just
thinks I'm the kind of dude

- it would be fun to work with.
- You're unbelievable.

Making out that you're some
kind of louche legal lothario.

Was it me who did that,
Liam, or was it you?

Oh, no, you're right.
I think that was Liam.

It was not meant to make
people like you! And now what?

Oh! Oh! Oh! This is like Crown and Fagan.

You know, the case where
the little man reversed

onto the police officer's
foot, but it was an accident.

And then it was all about whether
he was assaulting the officer

by not moving the car. So
Miles thinking Will is cool

and sexy isn't Will's fault.
But now it's all about whether

Will's going to put it right or not.

Exactly. Exactly the same.

And Fagan had no duty getting
off the officer's foot.

- Actually, he did. He
was convicted. - Sure.

But it was quite a different case.

There was a car in it, for one
thing, I don't even have a car.

- Are you happy with this?
- Fuck off, Liam. - All right.

Bye, guys.

See ya.

Serves him right for spreading
all those false rumours about me.

Silly Miles.

- Know what that is?
- Smoothie made of bananas and death?

It's Qood.

Food... with a Q.

Meal substitute made of oats, MCT
powder, sunflower oil, bean protein.

All the rage in Silicon Valley.

It's got all the vitamins, and
it's less than a quid a meal.

Tastes like you've sucked off a
scarecrow, but that's by the by.

You actually eat this stuff?

Twice a day.

Because we get 12 grand for this
whole year and I have no backup.

My point is, Will, do not underestimate

what I will do to get this job.

Use this chauvinist crap
to get ahead, but know this.

There will be no mercy.

I will go through you...

.. fast as this stuff goes through
me, and it won't look good.

It does not look good.

OK, pal?

Your choice.

You all right there, Mr Barrister?

Hey, Lee.

Why are you still coming to court?

Just interested, innit.

Hetty and me go back a long time.

And I love her, that's the
truth, despite what I done.

- So what do you reckon? She going down?
- Maybe, yeah.

She won't get too big a sentence, though.

- You guys have kids.
- Oh, right.

- Yeah, that's good. It's good.
- It's good.

Yeah, I'm not with
Deanna any more, you know?

I've made a new start. Got
some work, I do Buddhism.

Not big time. Just online, you know?

Sorry, Lee, is it...? All right,
I'm just trying to kind of...

One of my gurus, he talks about honesty.

He says a lie is a rot.

A man has a duty to tell the truth
even if it does him no good at all.

What do you think about that?

Yeah.

No, I think... there's something in that.

But I guess sometimes truth... can
be very hurtful to other people.

And also...

.. sometimes lies can
be very, er... helpful.

So maybe it is a rot, but
kind of like a good rot?

Like kind of in a... in a...
in a cheese or something?

And, obviously, when you're serving
people cheese, you don't tell them

that it's made of mould.

So you just keep the rot secret...

.. er, for everyone's benefit.

Sorry, are you talking
about with the case?

I said in my statement
I didn't see nothing.

But I was hiding on the
stairs. I saw everything.

Everything?

So did Deanna hit Hetty
first? Did you see that?

Yeah.

But they'll never believe
me now, will they?

The damage is done.

- It's too late now.
- I don't think it is too late, Lee.

- I don't think it is too late.
- You mean I can still be honest? - Yeah.

I think we can still... Yeah.

We can still be honest.

- You mean I can still be honest.
- Yeah.

That's what... That's
exactly what I'm saying.

Thank you! You're a wise man!

Hi, this is Nessa. Leave a message,

but do wait until after the...

Hey, chicken.

Just calling to make sure
you'll be in tonight,

because I have something that
I want to talk to you about.

- Morning, Simon!
- Yeah, let me know when you finish.

Oh, sorry. Actually, I've got
to go. I'll call you back later.

.. nothing embarrassing, unfortunately.

OK, Palio.

Hear that? Palio. Like the
Sienese horse festival.

Um, Caroline, I'm sure you're
going to say this is wrong...

I'm sure it will be right.
Good to see you. Morning, Will.

- You, too. Are you OK?
- Doodle-dandy!

OK. Um...

Basically, Lee's changing his evidence.

He saw Deanna hit Hetty first.

Ah, bit risky. The prosecution
will ask why he's switching.

Yes, but I was thinking,
it's like you said.

It's about perception. So even
if the jury don't believe him,

they're going to love the
story of a contrite partner,

of a family reunited.

Gosh, you're right.

Will, you are clever.

- You are a little clever clogs.
- You mean we'll do it?

You betcha we will! The truth
will out, and it will be lovely.

Oh! I feel sunny!

Get me a croissant, and make
sure it's angled like a smile.

- OK.
- Hm!

Miles, hello.

What's Packham packing?
That's the question.

Yes. What's Packham packing...!

There's an interlocutory hearing
for the vlogger trial on Tuesday

so I'm going to need you
over the weekend, OK?

Yes, no, absolutely. Thank you.
Miles, listen, I actually just

- wanted to have a chat with you
about something. - Yes, what?

Basically, I didn't sleep with the juror.

It was just a silly drunken kiss.

I'm quite a staid guy.

I don't really engage in laddie banter.

I've basically only slept with sort of...

.. under ten people.

As in, fewer than ten, not people
who are under ten, obviously.

That's a completely
different thing. But, um...

I mean, I've only really ever
done the missionary position.

So, you know, if you're giving
me work cos you think I'm

some kind of young stud, that is not me.

Just in the spirit of, erm, of honesty.

You think I'm giving you work
because you bounced on some juror.

Erm... no.

Obviously, I know it's not
entirely because of that,

but just the impression...

I gave you work because Caroline told me

your evidence summaries were excellent.

Oh, that's actually very nice of her.

Liam, does your fellow pupil
think I'm some kind of moron?

Surely not, Miles.

- No, Miles, I don't think you're a moron.
- Sorry, did someone speak?

Right. I'll see if the
odd blonde girl wants it.

Come on!

It was a massive slap Deanna gave her.

Hetty almost went down.

I remember it as clear as day.

And, Lee, some people might
say you're bound to back Hetty

in this dispute. She's the
mother of your children.

No, I'm telling the truth.

But I'm glad I can.

Because, honest to my heart,
Hetty's a wonderful person...

.. and I've let her down.

And I'm sorry, babe.

I just want to get you
home to show you that.

- General Ukip just smiled.
- Course he did.

Mr Roberts, you're certain
that Miss Lewis struck first?

Oh, yeah, for sure. I was relieved.

Relieved? Why?

Well, Hetty knew I was seeing someone.

And she said if it was Deanna,
she'll mess her up big time.

So, naturally I was worried.

She'd formed the intention. Shit off...

Do you mean to say that
Hetty expressed the intention

of messing Miss Lewis up?

Yeah. But when Deanna hit her. I was like,

"Great, now she's got an excuse."

- Oh, we are so fucked.
- And of course, she particularly didn't like it

- that Deanna was half black.
- Racial aggravation.

That's another five months. I'm
never listening to you again.

- Joint decision.
- Sunny and optimistic. Bunch of bollocks.

♪ I could be faithful

♪ Honest and true... ♪

Not going to say goodbye?

Me? Nah.

I did time once. You just
want to get it started.

You played me.

What? I'm surprised as you are, bruv.

You understand.

I've got two kids with
Hetty, and previous.

It's hard for a dad to get
custody in those circumstances.

So you sent their mother
down for eight months. Nice.

You're not even a Buddhist, are you?

But Hetty's a nasty woman.

You can put a dress on
her, it won't change that.

The bad shit we do lingers, brother.

The world watches and knows.

- Hey.
- Here she is!

- Shall we go back to mine?
- Yeah, let's get out of here.

Hey, Will!

Namaste.

- You all right, babe?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm cool.

- You want to get something to eat? You hungry?
- Yeah, sounds good...

♪ I cannot remember

♪ Anything you say

♪ When the streets are talking

♪ Yeah, they call my name

♪ And I walk a little further

♪ I can go all day... ♪

- Hey, Ness. - Hey, you. What
did you want to talk about?

- Talk about?
- Yeah, you left a message.

- Sounded important.
- Er...

No, I was just going to
get a pizza for later,

so I was wondering what
flavour you wanted?

Oh, great! Whatever. You choose.

- Four cheeses?
- Sure. That sounds good.

♪ Some things just don't add up,
I'm upside down, I'm inside out

♪ Now standing face-to-face
with the king of the underground

♪ Some things just don't add up,
I'm upside down, I'm inside out. ♪