Dear White People (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Volume 3: Chapter VI - full transcript
So be confident, stand your ground,
but, you know,
not in a murder-y Florida way.
Remember, we have the luxury
of being right.
That's the way I am with women.
That's why I'll be alone forever.
Guys, focus. All right, we got this.
We outvote Kurt, we can't lose.
Ah, see, you think this is a democracy.
It's more of an authoritarian monarchy.
Or it's an oligarchy,
if you include the advisory board.
Right, because monarchs
don't have advisers, idiot.
I really...
We're so close.
I really need you guys to focus.
Right. This is why Mom doesn't like you.
You're brothers?
Hey, thanks.
Going somewhere?
Yes, into cardiac arrest, thanks to you.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, you'll continue seeing me right now.
You've got bathroom duty.
Brooke, I really can't be late
to the bar, okay?
Oh. It must be a misprint.
This reads "manager."
Guess it should read "gives a shit about
your poor time management skills."
We don't have name tags.
Did you special order that?
If only stupid questions
could make toilets cleaner.
♪ Fools rush in ♪
♪ Where angels fear to tread ♪
♪ And so I come to you... ♪
- What's up, bro? How's it going?
- Busy night.
Second one's for you, Tasty and Pasty.
Bottoms up.
Or down. Your choice.
I got to be honest,
if that was a double entendre,
it's way over my head.
You never get over my head.
Thinly veiled sex offer,
and I drank my tip.
Look at this pale Prince Charming!
I always knew that you were family.
Yeah, well, if I were,
would they tip a little better?
Do not make a "just the tip" joke.
Michael, you're better than that.
I'm really not.
It's a college bar, boo.
Student and disposable income
tend to be mutually exclusive.
Well, it doesn't have to be their money.
No, I'd gladly take their parents' cash
or an Amex,
or, you know, even a Venmo situation.
- Your Caucasity is adorable.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Hello! What time you get off work, sexy?
Back up out of my force field, fish.
I'm trying to get this mon-tey!
I'm sorry. I got caught up.
No, it's weird...
Uh, it's kind of working for me.
Really?
Get back to work.
I'll be back.
You know what I want?
I want equality, okay? Fuck tolerance.
It's like, oh, you find me tolerable?
Thanks.
Miss me with that shit.
Anything else?
Uh...
Considering you've been talking
for the last 15 minutes,
I think we're good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Shy, that one.
Oh. Yeah, just all bottled up.
Crowds make me nervous.
Talking through a hole
in your throat doesn't?
- Oh, that's a PSA you're filming?
- Hmm.
Why don't we do this more?
Classes.
Meetings.
Chasing a cryptic ghost man.
Oh, look, a clue!
Ooh, I need some fresh air!
And my search continues!
- Sorry.
- What the...
Girl, one day away
from the old ball and chain
- and you are out in these streets?
- Streets?
Girl, these are dirt roads.
Ain't nobody checking for me.
How come Reggie didn't come out with you
and dance and get shirtless?
Sorry. There have been drinks.
Yes, speaking of melancholy ex,
how is he?
Good! He's so good.
He can get a little preoccupied.
You know, with Moses around,
it's like I'm in a throuple,
which is a word I learned tonight.
And although I saw it,
the mechanics of the triple kiss
still baffle me.
Well, Professor Brown's
really helping Reggie.
There are worse preoccupations,
like doing poppers in public,
which is something I learned tonight.
I mean, saw tonight.
Yeah, but I'm cuter than Moses, right?
And I'm pretty sure
whatever that app does,
it doesn't do the things I do at night.
Okay? I've been working on these Kegels...
- Joe! Joe, listen to me.
- And I...
You is beautiful.
You is brilliant.
Reggie is crazy about you.
Can we resume this later?
Or not at all, actually,
because this song is a banger
and my booty must shake to it. I have to!
Don't change the subject,
I'm praising you!
I can't control it, I can only follow!
Ooh, girl!
- Put that out.
- Okay, fine.
I wonder if Chester's here.
I hope so.
I'm trying to give that nigga
something to write about.
Okay.
You want attention in a shirt that
hides your wrists but shows your back.
I'm shocked.
And what team are you playing for,
the Baltimore Bottoms?
I would have went with
the Albuquerque Queens.
How about the Phoenix Fags?
- Okay, not in front of company.
- Okay, sorry.
Oh!
Yes!
The skin, the body, the hair!
The patron saint of sexy!
I've been hearing that all night!
You boys are magic
for a bitch's self-esteem!
Hey. Go Lionel!
Go Lionel! Go Lionel! Go Lionel!
No, stop.
Lionel, come on. What are you doing?
Come on, I'm gonna show you
how to break it down.
I'm just saying,
I'm explicitly into raceplay, so...
We're closed!
Hey, Groban.
Can I close out?
Yes, you can.
There's a line there. It's for tips.
You can use it or not use it.
I don't fucking care anymore.
This is an aggressive
customer service strategy.
I'm sorry, man.
You know, I thought this job
would actually help me make money
and stop my life from falling apart.
It's crazy, right?
I thought bartenders heard our problems,
not spilled theirs.
Oh. I didn't realize shit was so dire.
Hence your interest in the TA pay raise.
I'm a massive biche
for being so dismissive.
Let me make this up to you.
D'unte, that's really sweet,
but, you know,
I've really been hit on enough tonight.
Uh...
You thought that...
Uh-huh, huh, huh.
That's a hurtful amount of huhs.
Listen, come to the TA meeting,
I'll have your back this time.
If we win,
maybe you won't have to work
in a shirt-optional environment anymore.
Unless you like sucking that stomach in
for six hours straight.
I don't... do that.
Ugh. Babe, you ready to go? I am spent.
Yes, I am.
Hmm. Damn, bitch!
What the...
Oh, shit.
Y'all, I almost forgot where I was.
Oh, shit.
He slapped my ass,
but it was invigorating.
Okay!
I mean, I am ready, okay?
She ready.
Where's Clifton's crazy ass?
Somewhere being white.
I got the night off.
You have fun?
Yeah,
but I'm always down for more.
Oh, well...
the app says I got one...
There are other exercises.
Okay, well, I think you just shattered
my phone screen,
so I'm gonna need you to put in
on the repair.
Oh, I'm going in.
Ah, you look rough, bro.
Yeah, um...
I was trying to use the sleep function
last night,
but I, um...
ran into some hiccups.
I was up all night.
Well...
that's the opposite of what
it's supposed to do.
Yeah, um...
it makes you upload your own music,
but the player skips constantly,
and the in-app sleep timer
wouldn't turn off the music, so...
Yeah, that's the... Yeah, my team's
been looking into that,
but... they're stumped.
I fixed it, actually.
What?
I just integrated Spotify
and used the phone's sleep timers,
and then a couple tweaks
to smooth out the UI.
- It took me all night, but...
- Damn, this...
Wow. Would you mind presenting
your fixes to my team?
You mean, shame them into working harder.
Is that a yes?
Yeah, yeah.
All right, good.
Maybe take a nap first.
♪ One time, circling the block ♪
♪ Lil' buddy got murdered on the flock ♪
♪ Two times, you know how we rock ♪
Oh, look!
It's Rhode Island Reservoir Dogs!
You must be Mr. Black!
I told you guys this was too many pastels.
No such thing.
Ladies, can we table
this important pastel debate?
Hey, Colin, you got that NPR orgy
article you were working on?
Uh, I don't.
Dereliction of duty typically comes
with an excuse or apology, but...
we'll move on.
Nate, you mentioned that comic
about the conversion therapy camp
that's really just a teen circuit party.
Ah, my dog ate it.
And then I ate my dog.
It was so sad.
And very gamy.
Chewy.
Troy, your Malia Obama pitch.
Oh. Was that due today?
Can I get that to you...
never?
The fuck is going on here?
Is this a coup?
- Yes!
- Stop being dramatic.
Stop being so dramatic, Kurt.
This is a humor magazine
and you run it like a dictator.
Don't get me wrong.
You're funny.
But so are a lot of other people.
Loosen the grip a little.
If you give us more editorial control,
hell...
you'll have more free time
for school and ladies.
And hair care.
I imagine there's a lot of hair care.
Every editor-in-chief in the world
works this way.
And none with hair this good.
You can make Pastiche
whatever you want it to be.
It's a hundred-year-old magazine.
And you're acting like
it's a hundred years ago.
And you're acting like
a whiny little bitch.
No offense, Colin.
No offense to Colin?
No, no. None taken.
Kurt, you have a lot of talented people
who just want to write
in their own voices.
So either you let us...
or we walk.
Cute.
Well...
whoever wants to leave...
I'm not stopping you.
But...
since we're in a withholding mood,
Colin,
I'll just withdraw my recommendation
for your SNL internship.
And Nate,
consider yourself uninvited
to the Conan O'Brien dinner.
Team Coco.
Now get the fuck out of my meeting.
Thanks.
Hang on.
It's a tough act to follow,
so I'll just say...
I spit in some of your coffees,
so figure that out.
Come on, Troy.
Later, Troy.
Was she here the whole time?
I don't know, man.
Do you know anybody at James Corden?
Can you believe that me,
little old Abigail,
would say something like that?
I feel so fucking alive!
Is this what cocaine feels like?
Because if so, I need cocaine.
Troy, are you okay?
Uh, oh, yeah.
Come on! Get pumped, Troy!
Right.
What can I...
Hey!
What I'd really love is to find out
if the cute barista is around
for a date tonight?
But I'll take a latte.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm...
So, there's this '90s dance party
at some room in Waller.
Want to be my plus-one?
I would, but I work until 9:00,
and then I have so much homework.
No worries.
Maybe a movie or something
on the weekend.
Yeah...
We'll see.
Yeah.
Of course.
Great.
You said a latte, right?
Yeah.
That'll be $4.50.
Why would your parents
invest that much?
Gabe, if it sounds
too good to be true, it...
You do know that I wasn't involved
in the decision-making there, right?
I know. It's just all the indicators
were right there.
What were Rob and Karen thinking?
You want their numbers?
I mean, if you think they'd be
willing to listen to some advice...
No, it would be inappropriate.
It's not why you wanted to get coffee.
How do we get your movie made?
Money, Milo.
I need money.
You don't want to be a producer, do you?
Investing in art is for tech companies
and Russian oligarchs.
I got nothing, sorry.
You know, it's my fault
for expecting good advice.
I'm just going to have to apply
for some grants.
A grant?
In 2019?
Maybe five years ago
you could have had a chance,
but now?
You'll be white-male'd.
Huh?
The era of the white man
is coming to an end.
And hey, we've had a good run.
But now? Straight and white and male?
That's three strikes.
Don't you have anything that can
set you apart?
Can you be just a little bi or something?
No.
Ugh. Come on, man.
Something's got to work.
What is this? What are you doing?
You did DNA in a Box last year.
No. Milo.
- No. Milo...
- Yes.
I'm not Elizabeth Warren-ing this.
You're not going to be a beloved senator
with a sassy bob?
No, I'm not going to embarrass myself
with some desperate attempt
to make myself seem less white
just because
my great-great-great-grandmother
was apparently half Native American.
Why not?
Because I don't move through the world
that way, Milo.
Because it's wrong.
Okay, Grapples With Whiteness.
If it's in your DNA, it's not wrong,
it's science.
Yeah!
It's so sad.
Did you know that in 1998,
white people made up 78% of this school
and now they only make up 75%?
It's a tragedy.
And, as for white dudes working
in this cafe,
right now, it's zero percent.
But it should be...
Yep. I'm getting back to work.
Oh!
If you think that's what's best.
I'm with you.
I couldn't believe what he was saying.
It's Brooke, right?
I'm not going to do this with you
every time.
- It's insane!
- Yeah, we are going to.
- Oh, we are? We are going to?
- Yeah, because we're not agreeing.
- That's how this works.
- Okay, great.
Well, you don't respect my time, my space,
and...
I don't respect you
maybe because I don't agree with you.
Well, it's possible that
maybe you could agree...
I know, but maybe you should tell her
really, really quietly.
You whisper to her.
I'm hearing language. I'm hearing
a lot of language coming from you, Sharon.
That's fine. I already said no.
This was predicted.
Look, we all agree we need to unionize...
Someone should tell you...
Someone should let me finish my sentence.
You can't bring Queensfield in
as faculty support.
He's basically a fascist.
What are you talking about, you child?
He's a Blue Dog Democrat.
Same difference!
And I'm a child?
Because I believe it was you
and your friends
who came to my party empty-handed.
Um...
Shouldn't we just unionize
and then figure out the rest later?
I... I mean,
if we can't negotiate together,
uh, nothing...
else matters.
- You know what? I didn't...
- Fuck off, Gabe!
This is a rich thing that you're...
Come on now!
If he were rich, he wouldn't be wearing
this vagabond footwear.
I do agree we could use faculty support.
But what about an actual leftist
with organizing and activism experience?
Moses Brown.
I'm sure you have some issue
with his politics.
I don't...
You know, whatever. It's fine.
It's fine.
Well done.
- Meeting adjourned.
- No meeting adjourned.
- We have one other thing to talk about.
- You don't have to gloat.
Hey.
You must be the new kid.
Where'd you go to undergrad?
Oh. I'm in undergrad now.
Just let me know.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Caught them up yet?
- Not quite yet.
Well, let's get to it.
Come on in, guys.
Okay.
So, that execution really hurts
the user's experience,
and I think it could cause a lot of people
to bounce off the app.
Okay, sure.
Thanks, Reg.
But building a music player
from scratch isn't easy
and I think we've done a hell of a job...
You've done a hell of a job,
but it's the wrong job.
Why are you building it? At all?
In fact, I think this is the problem
with the app in a bunch of ways.
A bunch... of ways.
Why do I need to use this app
to track my workouts?
Or my screen time?
That's the point of the app.
The point of the app
is to help you live your best life,
and using an app that disrupts the way
I already use my phone
isn't my best life.
So, here's my proposal:
stop building things,
and instead make an app
that consolidates everything
with the other apps you're already using.
Look, gang, if you disagree with Reggie
because he's wrong, that's one thing.
But if you're just going to object
because he's right and you resent it,
there's the door.
So I said to Elon, I said, "Listen, man,
I was wrong for calling you
an evil genius.
You didn't invent electric cars,
you just manipulate the stock prices
on Twitter.
'Genius' is giving you
way too much credit."
- I can't believe you said that.
- Well, neither could he.
And I was so looking forward
to that trip to Mars.
Oh, man.
I'm not really good, you know, at this...
kind of thing.
You know, talking about
what's happening...
all up in here.
Uh, I'm terrible at it.
Based on that sentence,
I'd have no idea.
Right. Right, right, right.
I just wanted to say...
thank you.
For... I don't know...
everything.
You know, working with you,
using the app.
It's been a lot,
so, thanks.
I needed it.
Hmm.
What do you think of those?
Buy one, get one free at Sotheby's?
Nah, which one do you think is better?
Um...
I don't really know
too much about art, so...
No, that's fine. I'm just asking,
which one do you like more?
Okay...
Definitely the one on the right.
You sure?
Yeah.
I don't know why, but there's
something about it.
So,
that...
is an authentic van Gogh.
The other's a fake.
It's a very good fake.
But it's a fake.
I believe that algorithms, that code,
can be art.
The difference between these two paintings
isn't skill, it's passion.
Van Gogh was an artist.
He felt his work
with everything inside of him.
The other's a painting.
Just a painter.
An incredibly talented painter,
but a painter.
You're an artist, Reggie.
The other people on the team...
they're painters.
I'm putting you in charge.
That is, if you want.
Morning, all!
Morning.
Thank you!
Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Grits,
two pieces of bacon, and a biscuit?
- Yes, please.
- All right.
If you're taking orders...
Reggie's...
happy.
And Troy looks sadder than
that basic cable rip-off of our lives.
What the hell is happening?
I don't want to talk about it.
Troy, we need to talk right now.
Okay, and now Troy and Abigail.
Is this a lucid dream?
Grits!
Reality. I need grits.
Yeah, I should've asked Reggie
for three pieces of bacon.
Let's go.
I'm really not in the mood today.
This pity party needs to stop.
What happened to the guy
who told off 140 years
of assholish Pastiche history
along with their current reigning asshole?
That guy got shot down.
So? That guy can do whatever he wants.
He's Troy Fairbanks, a rich legacy kid.
A black legacy kid.
- The opportunities are a little...
- Whatever you make them.
Some of us got here without a dick,
a dime, or a dad who's the dean.
Are you about to break into song?
If that's what it takes to get you
to step the fuck up.
Troy, if you had gotten what you wanted,
if Kurt had given in,
what would the magazine look like?
It would be more open,
more democratic.
People could write what they wanted
and an editor would guide them,
not railroad their point of view.
Yes, it's coming out,
you're crowning.
And it would still be funny,
but with more depth, more gravity.
The shoulders are the hard part. Push!
I should just build that myself.
It's a girl! Name it Abigail!
Wait, was that your plan?
To get me to start my own magazine?
I was just trying to get you
to cock punch Kurt, but...
let's go with your thing.
Yeah, let's go with my thing.
We'll work on that.
- Just end your sentence there.
- But her record as a prosecutor...
Keep Kamala Harris's name out your mouth.
Not gonna keep anything
out of my mouth...
You should. I'm not doing this again
with you. Honestly.
- Is this the meeting that we're in?
- Daily.
Why are we sitting
next to each other again?
- Enough!
- Oh, the rich...
Yes, I had money,
but I was also literally
a community organizer,
and I can't take another second
of this nonsense.
We need to unionize.
And not just the socialists
or the liberals,
not just anyone, we all need to do this.
- Yeah, I've been trying...
- Just listen.
Look, these are
strike authorization cards.
Okay, I printed out more than enough
for every TA on campus.
The next step is to get them to sign them.
Without that, we have no leverage.
Without leverage...
we might as well go the fuck home.
Now,
you're more than welcome
to disagree with me,
or resent me because of my past,
'cause hell, man,
I resent me 'cause of my past.
But if we don't do this,
we're just meeting up to bitch.
Now, everything we need:
money, infrastructure, faculty support,
we can get all of that.
But we need to do this first.
Professor Brown, what do you think?
Well,
the situation is combustible.
A wayward spark and this...
all blows up.
But a spark with direction...
that's an explosion that can propel you.
Put it this way.
It's what that guy said.
Can you elaborate more on what you mean
by "spark"?
Sometimes advising means intervening,
and sometimes it means...
staying out of the way.
- But Professor...
- Sharon.
I have plans.
That...
was fire.
Bitch, I'm scorched.
And I'm really happy
that you're here. Mmm.
But you're here for real,
right?
As opposed to a hologram?
I'm not going anywhere.
I have to be here. I don't have a choice.
Good.
Well,
I guess necessity is the mother
of trying to change shit.
Woo-hoo!
but, you know,
not in a murder-y Florida way.
Remember, we have the luxury
of being right.
That's the way I am with women.
That's why I'll be alone forever.
Guys, focus. All right, we got this.
We outvote Kurt, we can't lose.
Ah, see, you think this is a democracy.
It's more of an authoritarian monarchy.
Or it's an oligarchy,
if you include the advisory board.
Right, because monarchs
don't have advisers, idiot.
I really...
We're so close.
I really need you guys to focus.
Right. This is why Mom doesn't like you.
You're brothers?
Hey, thanks.
Going somewhere?
Yes, into cardiac arrest, thanks to you.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, you'll continue seeing me right now.
You've got bathroom duty.
Brooke, I really can't be late
to the bar, okay?
Oh. It must be a misprint.
This reads "manager."
Guess it should read "gives a shit about
your poor time management skills."
We don't have name tags.
Did you special order that?
If only stupid questions
could make toilets cleaner.
♪ Fools rush in ♪
♪ Where angels fear to tread ♪
♪ And so I come to you... ♪
- What's up, bro? How's it going?
- Busy night.
Second one's for you, Tasty and Pasty.
Bottoms up.
Or down. Your choice.
I got to be honest,
if that was a double entendre,
it's way over my head.
You never get over my head.
Thinly veiled sex offer,
and I drank my tip.
Look at this pale Prince Charming!
I always knew that you were family.
Yeah, well, if I were,
would they tip a little better?
Do not make a "just the tip" joke.
Michael, you're better than that.
I'm really not.
It's a college bar, boo.
Student and disposable income
tend to be mutually exclusive.
Well, it doesn't have to be their money.
No, I'd gladly take their parents' cash
or an Amex,
or, you know, even a Venmo situation.
- Your Caucasity is adorable.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Hello! What time you get off work, sexy?
Back up out of my force field, fish.
I'm trying to get this mon-tey!
I'm sorry. I got caught up.
No, it's weird...
Uh, it's kind of working for me.
Really?
Get back to work.
I'll be back.
You know what I want?
I want equality, okay? Fuck tolerance.
It's like, oh, you find me tolerable?
Thanks.
Miss me with that shit.
Anything else?
Uh...
Considering you've been talking
for the last 15 minutes,
I think we're good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Shy, that one.
Oh. Yeah, just all bottled up.
Crowds make me nervous.
Talking through a hole
in your throat doesn't?
- Oh, that's a PSA you're filming?
- Hmm.
Why don't we do this more?
Classes.
Meetings.
Chasing a cryptic ghost man.
Oh, look, a clue!
Ooh, I need some fresh air!
And my search continues!
- Sorry.
- What the...
Girl, one day away
from the old ball and chain
- and you are out in these streets?
- Streets?
Girl, these are dirt roads.
Ain't nobody checking for me.
How come Reggie didn't come out with you
and dance and get shirtless?
Sorry. There have been drinks.
Yes, speaking of melancholy ex,
how is he?
Good! He's so good.
He can get a little preoccupied.
You know, with Moses around,
it's like I'm in a throuple,
which is a word I learned tonight.
And although I saw it,
the mechanics of the triple kiss
still baffle me.
Well, Professor Brown's
really helping Reggie.
There are worse preoccupations,
like doing poppers in public,
which is something I learned tonight.
I mean, saw tonight.
Yeah, but I'm cuter than Moses, right?
And I'm pretty sure
whatever that app does,
it doesn't do the things I do at night.
Okay? I've been working on these Kegels...
- Joe! Joe, listen to me.
- And I...
You is beautiful.
You is brilliant.
Reggie is crazy about you.
Can we resume this later?
Or not at all, actually,
because this song is a banger
and my booty must shake to it. I have to!
Don't change the subject,
I'm praising you!
I can't control it, I can only follow!
Ooh, girl!
- Put that out.
- Okay, fine.
I wonder if Chester's here.
I hope so.
I'm trying to give that nigga
something to write about.
Okay.
You want attention in a shirt that
hides your wrists but shows your back.
I'm shocked.
And what team are you playing for,
the Baltimore Bottoms?
I would have went with
the Albuquerque Queens.
How about the Phoenix Fags?
- Okay, not in front of company.
- Okay, sorry.
Oh!
Yes!
The skin, the body, the hair!
The patron saint of sexy!
I've been hearing that all night!
You boys are magic
for a bitch's self-esteem!
Hey. Go Lionel!
Go Lionel! Go Lionel! Go Lionel!
No, stop.
Lionel, come on. What are you doing?
Come on, I'm gonna show you
how to break it down.
I'm just saying,
I'm explicitly into raceplay, so...
We're closed!
Hey, Groban.
Can I close out?
Yes, you can.
There's a line there. It's for tips.
You can use it or not use it.
I don't fucking care anymore.
This is an aggressive
customer service strategy.
I'm sorry, man.
You know, I thought this job
would actually help me make money
and stop my life from falling apart.
It's crazy, right?
I thought bartenders heard our problems,
not spilled theirs.
Oh. I didn't realize shit was so dire.
Hence your interest in the TA pay raise.
I'm a massive biche
for being so dismissive.
Let me make this up to you.
D'unte, that's really sweet,
but, you know,
I've really been hit on enough tonight.
Uh...
You thought that...
Uh-huh, huh, huh.
That's a hurtful amount of huhs.
Listen, come to the TA meeting,
I'll have your back this time.
If we win,
maybe you won't have to work
in a shirt-optional environment anymore.
Unless you like sucking that stomach in
for six hours straight.
I don't... do that.
Ugh. Babe, you ready to go? I am spent.
Yes, I am.
Hmm. Damn, bitch!
What the...
Oh, shit.
Y'all, I almost forgot where I was.
Oh, shit.
He slapped my ass,
but it was invigorating.
Okay!
I mean, I am ready, okay?
She ready.
Where's Clifton's crazy ass?
Somewhere being white.
I got the night off.
You have fun?
Yeah,
but I'm always down for more.
Oh, well...
the app says I got one...
There are other exercises.
Okay, well, I think you just shattered
my phone screen,
so I'm gonna need you to put in
on the repair.
Oh, I'm going in.
Ah, you look rough, bro.
Yeah, um...
I was trying to use the sleep function
last night,
but I, um...
ran into some hiccups.
I was up all night.
Well...
that's the opposite of what
it's supposed to do.
Yeah, um...
it makes you upload your own music,
but the player skips constantly,
and the in-app sleep timer
wouldn't turn off the music, so...
Yeah, that's the... Yeah, my team's
been looking into that,
but... they're stumped.
I fixed it, actually.
What?
I just integrated Spotify
and used the phone's sleep timers,
and then a couple tweaks
to smooth out the UI.
- It took me all night, but...
- Damn, this...
Wow. Would you mind presenting
your fixes to my team?
You mean, shame them into working harder.
Is that a yes?
Yeah, yeah.
All right, good.
Maybe take a nap first.
♪ One time, circling the block ♪
♪ Lil' buddy got murdered on the flock ♪
♪ Two times, you know how we rock ♪
Oh, look!
It's Rhode Island Reservoir Dogs!
You must be Mr. Black!
I told you guys this was too many pastels.
No such thing.
Ladies, can we table
this important pastel debate?
Hey, Colin, you got that NPR orgy
article you were working on?
Uh, I don't.
Dereliction of duty typically comes
with an excuse or apology, but...
we'll move on.
Nate, you mentioned that comic
about the conversion therapy camp
that's really just a teen circuit party.
Ah, my dog ate it.
And then I ate my dog.
It was so sad.
And very gamy.
Chewy.
Troy, your Malia Obama pitch.
Oh. Was that due today?
Can I get that to you...
never?
The fuck is going on here?
Is this a coup?
- Yes!
- Stop being dramatic.
Stop being so dramatic, Kurt.
This is a humor magazine
and you run it like a dictator.
Don't get me wrong.
You're funny.
But so are a lot of other people.
Loosen the grip a little.
If you give us more editorial control,
hell...
you'll have more free time
for school and ladies.
And hair care.
I imagine there's a lot of hair care.
Every editor-in-chief in the world
works this way.
And none with hair this good.
You can make Pastiche
whatever you want it to be.
It's a hundred-year-old magazine.
And you're acting like
it's a hundred years ago.
And you're acting like
a whiny little bitch.
No offense, Colin.
No offense to Colin?
No, no. None taken.
Kurt, you have a lot of talented people
who just want to write
in their own voices.
So either you let us...
or we walk.
Cute.
Well...
whoever wants to leave...
I'm not stopping you.
But...
since we're in a withholding mood,
Colin,
I'll just withdraw my recommendation
for your SNL internship.
And Nate,
consider yourself uninvited
to the Conan O'Brien dinner.
Team Coco.
Now get the fuck out of my meeting.
Thanks.
Hang on.
It's a tough act to follow,
so I'll just say...
I spit in some of your coffees,
so figure that out.
Come on, Troy.
Later, Troy.
Was she here the whole time?
I don't know, man.
Do you know anybody at James Corden?
Can you believe that me,
little old Abigail,
would say something like that?
I feel so fucking alive!
Is this what cocaine feels like?
Because if so, I need cocaine.
Troy, are you okay?
Uh, oh, yeah.
Come on! Get pumped, Troy!
Right.
What can I...
Hey!
What I'd really love is to find out
if the cute barista is around
for a date tonight?
But I'll take a latte.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm...
So, there's this '90s dance party
at some room in Waller.
Want to be my plus-one?
I would, but I work until 9:00,
and then I have so much homework.
No worries.
Maybe a movie or something
on the weekend.
Yeah...
We'll see.
Yeah.
Of course.
Great.
You said a latte, right?
Yeah.
That'll be $4.50.
Why would your parents
invest that much?
Gabe, if it sounds
too good to be true, it...
You do know that I wasn't involved
in the decision-making there, right?
I know. It's just all the indicators
were right there.
What were Rob and Karen thinking?
You want their numbers?
I mean, if you think they'd be
willing to listen to some advice...
No, it would be inappropriate.
It's not why you wanted to get coffee.
How do we get your movie made?
Money, Milo.
I need money.
You don't want to be a producer, do you?
Investing in art is for tech companies
and Russian oligarchs.
I got nothing, sorry.
You know, it's my fault
for expecting good advice.
I'm just going to have to apply
for some grants.
A grant?
In 2019?
Maybe five years ago
you could have had a chance,
but now?
You'll be white-male'd.
Huh?
The era of the white man
is coming to an end.
And hey, we've had a good run.
But now? Straight and white and male?
That's three strikes.
Don't you have anything that can
set you apart?
Can you be just a little bi or something?
No.
Ugh. Come on, man.
Something's got to work.
What is this? What are you doing?
You did DNA in a Box last year.
No. Milo.
- No. Milo...
- Yes.
I'm not Elizabeth Warren-ing this.
You're not going to be a beloved senator
with a sassy bob?
No, I'm not going to embarrass myself
with some desperate attempt
to make myself seem less white
just because
my great-great-great-grandmother
was apparently half Native American.
Why not?
Because I don't move through the world
that way, Milo.
Because it's wrong.
Okay, Grapples With Whiteness.
If it's in your DNA, it's not wrong,
it's science.
Yeah!
It's so sad.
Did you know that in 1998,
white people made up 78% of this school
and now they only make up 75%?
It's a tragedy.
And, as for white dudes working
in this cafe,
right now, it's zero percent.
But it should be...
Yep. I'm getting back to work.
Oh!
If you think that's what's best.
I'm with you.
I couldn't believe what he was saying.
It's Brooke, right?
I'm not going to do this with you
every time.
- It's insane!
- Yeah, we are going to.
- Oh, we are? We are going to?
- Yeah, because we're not agreeing.
- That's how this works.
- Okay, great.
Well, you don't respect my time, my space,
and...
I don't respect you
maybe because I don't agree with you.
Well, it's possible that
maybe you could agree...
I know, but maybe you should tell her
really, really quietly.
You whisper to her.
I'm hearing language. I'm hearing
a lot of language coming from you, Sharon.
That's fine. I already said no.
This was predicted.
Look, we all agree we need to unionize...
Someone should tell you...
Someone should let me finish my sentence.
You can't bring Queensfield in
as faculty support.
He's basically a fascist.
What are you talking about, you child?
He's a Blue Dog Democrat.
Same difference!
And I'm a child?
Because I believe it was you
and your friends
who came to my party empty-handed.
Um...
Shouldn't we just unionize
and then figure out the rest later?
I... I mean,
if we can't negotiate together,
uh, nothing...
else matters.
- You know what? I didn't...
- Fuck off, Gabe!
This is a rich thing that you're...
Come on now!
If he were rich, he wouldn't be wearing
this vagabond footwear.
I do agree we could use faculty support.
But what about an actual leftist
with organizing and activism experience?
Moses Brown.
I'm sure you have some issue
with his politics.
I don't...
You know, whatever. It's fine.
It's fine.
Well done.
- Meeting adjourned.
- No meeting adjourned.
- We have one other thing to talk about.
- You don't have to gloat.
Hey.
You must be the new kid.
Where'd you go to undergrad?
Oh. I'm in undergrad now.
Just let me know.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Caught them up yet?
- Not quite yet.
Well, let's get to it.
Come on in, guys.
Okay.
So, that execution really hurts
the user's experience,
and I think it could cause a lot of people
to bounce off the app.
Okay, sure.
Thanks, Reg.
But building a music player
from scratch isn't easy
and I think we've done a hell of a job...
You've done a hell of a job,
but it's the wrong job.
Why are you building it? At all?
In fact, I think this is the problem
with the app in a bunch of ways.
A bunch... of ways.
Why do I need to use this app
to track my workouts?
Or my screen time?
That's the point of the app.
The point of the app
is to help you live your best life,
and using an app that disrupts the way
I already use my phone
isn't my best life.
So, here's my proposal:
stop building things,
and instead make an app
that consolidates everything
with the other apps you're already using.
Look, gang, if you disagree with Reggie
because he's wrong, that's one thing.
But if you're just going to object
because he's right and you resent it,
there's the door.
So I said to Elon, I said, "Listen, man,
I was wrong for calling you
an evil genius.
You didn't invent electric cars,
you just manipulate the stock prices
on Twitter.
'Genius' is giving you
way too much credit."
- I can't believe you said that.
- Well, neither could he.
And I was so looking forward
to that trip to Mars.
Oh, man.
I'm not really good, you know, at this...
kind of thing.
You know, talking about
what's happening...
all up in here.
Uh, I'm terrible at it.
Based on that sentence,
I'd have no idea.
Right. Right, right, right.
I just wanted to say...
thank you.
For... I don't know...
everything.
You know, working with you,
using the app.
It's been a lot,
so, thanks.
I needed it.
Hmm.
What do you think of those?
Buy one, get one free at Sotheby's?
Nah, which one do you think is better?
Um...
I don't really know
too much about art, so...
No, that's fine. I'm just asking,
which one do you like more?
Okay...
Definitely the one on the right.
You sure?
Yeah.
I don't know why, but there's
something about it.
So,
that...
is an authentic van Gogh.
The other's a fake.
It's a very good fake.
But it's a fake.
I believe that algorithms, that code,
can be art.
The difference between these two paintings
isn't skill, it's passion.
Van Gogh was an artist.
He felt his work
with everything inside of him.
The other's a painting.
Just a painter.
An incredibly talented painter,
but a painter.
You're an artist, Reggie.
The other people on the team...
they're painters.
I'm putting you in charge.
That is, if you want.
Morning, all!
Morning.
Thank you!
Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Grits,
two pieces of bacon, and a biscuit?
- Yes, please.
- All right.
If you're taking orders...
Reggie's...
happy.
And Troy looks sadder than
that basic cable rip-off of our lives.
What the hell is happening?
I don't want to talk about it.
Troy, we need to talk right now.
Okay, and now Troy and Abigail.
Is this a lucid dream?
Grits!
Reality. I need grits.
Yeah, I should've asked Reggie
for three pieces of bacon.
Let's go.
I'm really not in the mood today.
This pity party needs to stop.
What happened to the guy
who told off 140 years
of assholish Pastiche history
along with their current reigning asshole?
That guy got shot down.
So? That guy can do whatever he wants.
He's Troy Fairbanks, a rich legacy kid.
A black legacy kid.
- The opportunities are a little...
- Whatever you make them.
Some of us got here without a dick,
a dime, or a dad who's the dean.
Are you about to break into song?
If that's what it takes to get you
to step the fuck up.
Troy, if you had gotten what you wanted,
if Kurt had given in,
what would the magazine look like?
It would be more open,
more democratic.
People could write what they wanted
and an editor would guide them,
not railroad their point of view.
Yes, it's coming out,
you're crowning.
And it would still be funny,
but with more depth, more gravity.
The shoulders are the hard part. Push!
I should just build that myself.
It's a girl! Name it Abigail!
Wait, was that your plan?
To get me to start my own magazine?
I was just trying to get you
to cock punch Kurt, but...
let's go with your thing.
Yeah, let's go with my thing.
We'll work on that.
- Just end your sentence there.
- But her record as a prosecutor...
Keep Kamala Harris's name out your mouth.
Not gonna keep anything
out of my mouth...
You should. I'm not doing this again
with you. Honestly.
- Is this the meeting that we're in?
- Daily.
Why are we sitting
next to each other again?
- Enough!
- Oh, the rich...
Yes, I had money,
but I was also literally
a community organizer,
and I can't take another second
of this nonsense.
We need to unionize.
And not just the socialists
or the liberals,
not just anyone, we all need to do this.
- Yeah, I've been trying...
- Just listen.
Look, these are
strike authorization cards.
Okay, I printed out more than enough
for every TA on campus.
The next step is to get them to sign them.
Without that, we have no leverage.
Without leverage...
we might as well go the fuck home.
Now,
you're more than welcome
to disagree with me,
or resent me because of my past,
'cause hell, man,
I resent me 'cause of my past.
But if we don't do this,
we're just meeting up to bitch.
Now, everything we need:
money, infrastructure, faculty support,
we can get all of that.
But we need to do this first.
Professor Brown, what do you think?
Well,
the situation is combustible.
A wayward spark and this...
all blows up.
But a spark with direction...
that's an explosion that can propel you.
Put it this way.
It's what that guy said.
Can you elaborate more on what you mean
by "spark"?
Sometimes advising means intervening,
and sometimes it means...
staying out of the way.
- But Professor...
- Sharon.
I have plans.
That...
was fire.
Bitch, I'm scorched.
And I'm really happy
that you're here. Mmm.
But you're here for real,
right?
As opposed to a hologram?
I'm not going anywhere.
I have to be here. I don't have a choice.
Good.
Well,
I guess necessity is the mother
of trying to change shit.
Woo-hoo!