Dear White People (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Volume 3: Chapter V - full transcript
♪ I just step in ♪
Freshman year, you got rejected
by Alpha Delta Rho
and had a meltdown.
Now you don't seem to care.
Has your worldview changed
since coming to Winchester?
My worldview hasn't been changed
by Winchester,
but Winchester will be changed
by my worldview.
God, I feel like a reality star.
- Should I fight with someone?
- You're about to start one with me
if you don't start giving me
some real answers.
- Why do we have to do this today?
- It's Jerry Skyler.
He...
is making me capture all this footage
and interviews
in order to prove
that I'm on the right track.
Oh, I get it. You're just vamping.
No, I'm getting inspiration
from the footage
- that I'm capturing.
- Vamping.
Yeah, pretty much.
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I ain’t even make it
Off the jetway, damn ♪
Thank you very much for this, son.
Hi, can I help you?
Hi.
You know,
because of what happened last time,
I'm trying to keep a low profile.
But, on the upside,
I am over trying to impress women
with the skinny jean thing.
I got to let my boys breathe.
Can we not talk about your junk
while we're having coffee?
Or ever?
Well, what do you want me to do?
Tweet about it on Instagram like you do?
- Heard from your mother?
- Yeah.
She's opening a new art exhibit
in Barcelona.
It's about motherhood
and the modern woman.
Which is apparently
why I got it in a text.
- I'm sorry, son.
- No, don't be.
She sent it with a bitmoji,
so I know what she looks like now.
She changed her hair.
I got to go.
Got a student advising session.
Hey, you want to do something special?
For...?
Parents' weekend.
The Global Venture
Fellowship at the Sorbonne.
Prestigious.
And ambitious.
I plan on being the first black woman
from the South Side to get in.
I just want you to be realistic
about your chances.
Realistic is for the ordinary, Dean.
You'll have to get
a letter of recommendation
from someone who's prominent
in your field of study.
Queensfield.
I have him for Political Theory.
My condolences.
He gets to some people,
but he's not getting to me.
Fair warning: his recommendations
don't come easy.
I always find a way to get what I want,
and I want this fellowship.
J'apprends de français.
I'm learning French,
I'm back on bread,
and I've already mastered
condescending snobbery.
I'm going to France.
Bon chance.
Do I get to meet your mom?
I'm imagining Viola from the waist up,
Serena from the waist down.
Hold tight to that visual
because that's the closest anyone here
is ever going to get to meeting her.
That's so sad.
I can't wait to see my parents.
They're, like, my best friends.
That's so sad.
Not at all.
I've got plans on plans on plans.
We're going to brunch, antiquing,
the Pluot and Aprium Festival...
When did you become a gay man
from Vermont?
Reg, what's with all the exercising?
Are you struggling with body dysmorphia?
Because, even as a lesbian,
I can see your body is bangin'.
I'm not always exercising.
Sometimes I'm meditating. Yeah.
I'm beta-testing Professor Brown's app.
Changed my life!
You do seem more chipper these days.
Like, I'm not afraid to talk to you.
- When were you ever afraid?
- "Afraid" is the wrong word.
More like I didn't want to talk to you.
So, Reg, are your parents coming?
And, more importantly,
do they like pluots and apriums?
My dad needs more guy friends.
Nah, that's a little too much
crossbreeding of fruit for me.
And my dad's last visit
to what he calls "Whitechester,"
it didn't go so well.
I feel so sorry for you.
And all the other orphans.
I'm actually fine.
The app keeps me centered.
And it's got all these built-in reminders
that, you know, like,
tell you when to drink water...
You got into an Ivy and you don't know
when you're thirsty.
Young lady, by the time you feel thirsty,
it's already too late.
You guys should give it a shot.
I would, but I don't need to fill the void
in my life with an app.
I have parents who love me.
And I have ambition.
Professor Queensfield?
I just wanted to say,
I read the articles you wrote
in the 1975 Harvard Law Review.
Such an insightful take on riparian rights
in New Hampshire land deals.
Mm-hmm.
Anyhoo, um...
I'm applying
for the Global Venture Fellowship,
- and I need a letter of...
- Class.
I have an announcement.
For those of you, like this girl...
Coco. Coco Conners.
...like Kiki here,
who seek a recommendation letter,
please be advised
that I only consider doing that
for one of the top three students
in the class.
So,
be best.
I almost peed myself.
Please. I've got this.
- Katrina, who was Chanakya?
- Who's Katrina?
Who's Katrina?
Chanakya, also known as Kautilya,
was an Indian political philosopher
believed to have written The Arthashastra.
And what is The Arthashastra?
And do you believe it has relevance?
Yes, because although
it's over 2,000 years old,
it's still considered the ultimate guide
to the perfect state,
and essential to running government.
Everything from national security
and taxation,
to foreign and economic policy,
- to labor and financial management.
- Quite idealistic.
But what if those in government
are corrupt
and only work toward
their own self-interests?
It can happen.
Chanakya's analysis was
psycho-philo-socio-politico-
religio-economic in nature,
and actually well suited
for our current-day problems.
You just gave me a long,
albeit impressive, string of words
that lay out a theory,
- but how does it work in practice?
- I...
Chanakya's treatise is rooted
in sound economics,
but how does government work successfully
with an ever-expanding deficit?
Well...
And please, no more word salad.
I already ate.
The fact is that the most
important aspect of any venture
is pragmatism.
So ask only one question:
Does it work?
Now, Ms. Conners,
I'll ask again.
How do...
Hey. Are you okay?
Did you see that?
Sweetie, everybody saw that.
Four people laughed, but they waited
until you were out of the room.
What happened?
I don't know!
It was like watching Wonder Woman
fall into quicksand
and not even her superpowers
could save her
from sinking further and further,
until all you could see
was her fingertip.
And then, whoop! She was gone forever.
- Not helping!
- I'm sorry, but...
honey, you really shat the bed.
Really? Four people?
Actually, it was 12.
I was just trying to soften the blow.
Mmm.
Mommy?
Are you here already?
Oh, my God!
That's terrible!
Why am I just hearing about this?
Isn't there something we can do?
Some way to change?
Okay.
I understand.
Bye, Mommy.
Is everything okay?
My mom's going to have a baby.
Well, your tears of joy
don't seem very joyful.
This is a tragedy. I'm an only child.
I don't want to share my parents
with some chubby, greedy baby.
I'm not sure if you've noticed,
but babies,
they suck up a shitload of attention.
I totally get it.
My baby sister is an attention hog.
How old is she?
Two minutes younger than me.
Florida State.
And now my parents aren't even coming.
Something about saving paid vacation days.
I can't believe
I'm one of the pitiful orphans.
I have no one.
That's not true.
You have me.
♪ She's on my mind ♪
♪ She's on my mind ♪
What you doing?
Watching a video of a panda sneezing.
It's so cute.
Lionel, we all do it.
You don't have to lie.
Just come out and say
you were watching porn.
I was watching porn.
Now I don't know what to believe.
So, got anyone coming this weekend?
I don't.
My aunt couldn't make it.
It's a long trip from Ho-ston.
[chuckles[
My aunt's not a ho, it's just
what I've been calling Houston.
Yeah, Lionel, the whole
"Ho-ston" runner...
it's canceled.
Maybe next time I'll go wild
in "San Ho-se."
"Chicag-ho!"
So, is your mom coming?
No. Actually, I thought...
it might be too much for her,
you know, without my...
Can I interview you?
- Sure.
- Cool.
Favor my right side.
Oh!
- You read Chester, too?
- Honey, I cannot wait for the next one.
Whoever is writing Chester
is giving me a kink I did not know I had.
So...
just kind of explain to me
what it was like for you
when you first came out.
Well, when I came out it was...
it was cool.
I could finally be the me that I was
on the inside.
Shamelessly, unapologetically, and...
loudly.
Well, not loudly.
That's not really my thing.
Yeah. But now I have a question for you.
What do you hope to do with this film?
Um...
I don't know. I guess...
I'm searching for some kind of truth.
Mmm. Vamping.
Come on.
You made sacrifices to be here.
Get your shit together.
You look familiar.
Because I live inside your head.
Like when you imagined
what your daughter would look like,
you saw me.
But I don't actually exist.
So you're like a ghost?
That's ridiculous.
I'm like a manifestation of your
subconscious that follows you around.
And that's not ridiculous?
Bitch, it's your crazy.
You signed up for this class,
so you can't sit around comparing yourself
to everybody else.
Face it, they're better than you,
they're richer than you,
they're whiter than you.
But the only way to win
is to outwork them.
Now get to it.
Hey, Colandrea!
It's your mother.
In case you forgot you had one.
Cousin Gina's knocked up again!
That'll be five...
...'cause apparently robots need work
more than regular folks.
Someone was shot at the block party.
They didn't even get to taste
my famous ribs!
Thanks for hanging.
I needed a post-Queensfield detox.
Whoo, for Queensfield,
you might need a colonic.
Wait, my mom will be here this weekend.
- She might be able to help with him.
- Really? How?
Well, she used to work with him
at Cahill & Covington in DC.
He was obsessed with her.
Not in, like, a "he wanted
to wear her skin" kind of way,
but more in a "she wrote
all his legal briefs kind of way."
You think she'd be willing
to put in a word for me?
Of course.
My mom is a big proponent of advocating
for those who don't have the same
advantages she did.
Why don't you brunch with us?
- I have so much I...
- Colandrea!
Woo-hoo!
- Colandrea!
- Coco.
Yoo-hoo!
- Colandrea!
- Mom?
What are you doing here?
There's my sweet baby!
Pastor Ulmer says we should pay attention
to signs from the Lord.
That same day,
I got an email about parents' weekend.
I left a message before
I got on the plane. Didn't you get it?
My phone's dead!
Well, surprise! I'm here!
I used Cousin Gina's mileage points.
She ain't traveling no time soon
with all them damn kids.
Lordt, that girl loves sex.
But I thought you were working
this weekend.
I was, until I had to go in
for emergency gallbladder surgery.
Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
I lied! My gallbladder's fine.
I do have gout,
- and irritable bowel...
- Mom,
you don't have to run down
your medical chart.
Right.
Mom, this is Muffy Tuttle.
Muffy, this is Evelyn.
It is so nice to meet you, Ms. Conners.
Coco has told me...
stuff.
Why don't you come to brunch?
- That's so nice, but she's not gonna be...
- I'm gonna be all over that!
Pancakes and waffles and bacon
and sausages.
- Yep.
- Then they got the biscuits and the toast
- and we got a little oatmeal...
- Yes, Mom, all the foods.
And mimosas.
Bottomless, baby.
I guess we'll see you,
and your appetite, tomorrow.
- Yay!
- Aww, look at your little friend.
She's nice.
I'm guessing her people came in
on a different ship than ours, huh?
Mom, please!
What? Where's the lie? She white, right?
Whoo, so...
- are you gonna show me around?
- Actually, I have studying.
Okay. Well...
I'll just go back to the motel
and we can catch up later.
I'm gonna drink my way
through that minibar
and then tell them I got robbed.
Hey.
You're happy to see me, right?
Of course!
I'm just so busy.
Okay.
♪ Speak it now or hold the truth ♪
- Kelsey?
- Hmm?
I know you love your mom and dad,
but isn't this a bit romantic?
Actually, they're not coming.
I was filled with rage,
but then I did some of Reggie's
Black Headspace,
and I'm feeling much better.
I also drank half a bottle of rum.
Well, give me the other half.
I need it after the day I've had.
- Yeah, you need to leave.
- What?
I have someone coming by
and I'm not sure where this may lead,
so don't come back until I text.
Great!
Two women trying to have an orgasm.
This will take all night.
Honey, that's for you straights.
We're fluent in Vaginese.
- Hey.
- Wow.
Wow.
Wow!
You two are quite the unlikely pairing.
My God, how does this work?
I'm just... Okay.
Kelsey...
This is so beautiful.
I like to make things look nice.
I am a big fan of HGTV.
It shows.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I know your full name,
so I'm already out of my comfort zone.
Listen, I don't want to be
just part of an experiment,
so if you're on
some sort of sexual journey,
please don't make me a stop along the way.
First of all,
I also bang with HGTV.
Is there a "second of all"?
There's a connection here.
I mean, don't you feel it, too?
I guess.
Maybe.
Okay.
Yes.
Does this spark joy?
Nope.
Oh, good, you're up!
I thought maybe we could grab breakfast,
and then go antiquing,
and I still have tickets
to the Pluot and Aprium Festival
if we really want to get wild with it.
That sounds fun!
Last night was great.
I'm really glad we took the leap.
Glad.
Wake up.
Wake up!
We need to get to that brunch.
The walk of shame requires walking.
A real-live Ken doll.
You stayed the night.
Forward progress, I like it.
It was either here
or that couch in A-P
with the ass grooves in it.
Your morning-after sexy talk
could really use some work.
Zip me up, I have to go.
You can go after you come.
My material is a little rusty
this early in the morning, too.
No, no, no. We don't have time for this!
Oh.
This Ken doll has all the parts.
Okay, just a quickie,
and then you got to go.
♪ Before you get a boyfriend ♪
Mrs. Tuttle!
So wonderful to finally meet you.
I'm Coco.
I hope you haven't been waiting long.
As long as there's wine,
I don't feel time.
Oh, I told her you have Queensfield.
And I told her you have my sympathy.
He's brilliant, but he can be
such a sadistic prick.
- Yeah, that's what I...
- Yoo-hoo? Colandrea!
- Hey, baby girl!
- Hey.
- Okay.
- Did I get you? Okay.
Oh, and you must be Muffy's mom.
Caroline. It's a pleasure to meet you.
You, too.
She's a little underdressed.
So, Evelyn, how was your flight?
Oh, very nice.
I got upgraded to first class.
I told them I was a veteran.
- Should we order?
- Yes, I am starving.
You should be,
because, baby girl, you a bag of bones.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Mrs. Tuttle...
- Please, call me Caroline.
Caroline, I'm applying
for this fellowship...
Ooh, I will definitely be having
the sal-mon.
Maybe I'll find a bone in it
and get it for free.
Do sal-mons have bones in 'em?
Don't worry. This is my treat.
She's not worried, she's just kidding.
No, I'm not! $34 for a piece of sal-mon?
The Sal-mon Value Pack at Walmart
is only $4.99 a pound.
Could you please stop saying "sal-mon"?
So...
- Evelyn, would you...
- Please, call me Mrs. Conners.
Mrs. Conners,
would you like some wine?
We ordered an Haut Lafitte
before you got here.
- Oh, is it a Merlot?
- God, no.
Well, when in Rome.
Want to go ahead and help your girl out?
- Just got to tip that...
- Anyway,
if I get the recommendation
from Queensfield,
then the fellowship in Paris is a lock...
Paris? Paris, France?
Yes, Mother.
I've always wanted to go there!
I got a selfie of myself
in front of the Las Vegas Eiffel Tower.
Now I gotta complete the set.
That's all of 'em, right?
- Well, there is one in Epcot.
- Ooh!
How about a fellowship in Orlando?
Oh, God.
I'm a little tipsy with all those
bottomless mimosas.
They weren't bottomless.
Oh, my goodness, it's so chichi up in here
with all this wood
and all these pictures
of these dead white people.
Ooh! I'm gonna get me a selfie
with Michelle.
She's alive. And black!
There you go, Michelle!
Baby, come take a picture with me.
Let's be Becoming together!
Mom!
You ruined my day
and possibly my career!
Can't you just leave me alone?
So, I guess that's how they're talking
to their mommas at Winchester, huh?
I didn't mean it.
Sam! You finally called me back.
Baby...
are you crying?
Yeah, it's...
It's dumb.
I've been texting Dad.
And today I got a text back.
The phone company gave his number away,
which is so disrespectful.
It's like, the body isn't even cold.
Can you at least wait a year?
I just, I feel so stupid
for texting a dead man.
Baby, you're not stupid.
You know what I did?
I finally gave his clothes away
to Goodwill,
but by the time I got home,
I started to panic.
And I was like, "What if he comes back?
He's not going to have anything to wear."
So I drove down there
and I took everything back.
- No!
- Yes!
Practically had to wrestle
one of his sweaters
out of a homeless man's hands.
Not my proudest moment.
You know, maybe...
we could talk more,
instead of texting strangers
or robbing the homeless.
Yeah, that sounds like a much better plan.
I would have invited you this weekend.
I just, I thought it...
Yeah.
Now, you tell me what's going on with you.
Well, I'm shooting this film...
and I'm...
I'm getting all these interviews.
And, sure, it may look like vamping,
but something about it feels right.
I just...
I don't know how everything
is going to come together.
Sam, you remember
when you were young,
and you used to try those
thousand-piece puzzles?
You would get so mad
when they wouldn't immediately fit.
Luckily, I had the puzzle master.
And what did I always tell you?
Divide your piles into segments,
and then work through each cluster
separately,
and then connect your clusters
to your borders.
Wow.
That's actually really helpful.
Well, don't say it
like it's such a surprise!
Sorry.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry.
You were just saying how you feel.
Still, I never should have
talked to you that way.
No, you shouldn't have.
Who raised you?
I've always done my best, you know?
And when your test scores got attention
from that private school,
I was scared that I would lose you,
and I did.
You didn't.
You haven't come home since you came here.
Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day...
All the church dates.
And I was fine with it.
Because I'd never want to deny you
all of this.
- Mom, I...
- No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm guessing that you and I, we're just...
different people.
Maybe.
Maybe I've just been acting
like a different person.
I mean, I could probably come home
for Mother's Day.
See, I kinda assumed that you
weren't coming, so me and my girl,
we're gonna hit a casino
and try to eat half-off for Mother's Day.
Maybe I'll meet you there.
This is more of a grown and sexy outing.
We can play it by ear.
Hmm.
I know that one trip is not
going to turn us into the black Tuttles.
But, baby, it's a start.
Yeah.
And for the record,
I put ice in my wine
to fuck with uppity white folks.
And speaking of uppity white folks,
this campus is crawling with them!
This school's motto should be,
"Do you know who my father is?"
No, it should be,
"I would like to speak to your manager!"
Or how about, "I can't be racist,
I loved Hamilton."
Real talk, Hamilton is a good musical.
You've seen it?
I've only been pretending to have seen it.
Saw it on YouTube.
Fifteen parts.
So many ads!
♪...to what you know is right ♪
Oh, baby girl.
♪ Don't be afraid
Just beacuse you disobeyed ♪
♪ Please, won't you come on home ♪
What are you looking at?
♪ How I want you to know ♪
♪ I really love you so ♪
♪ And I will never be happy ♪
♪ Till you come back home ♪
♪ Hurry home, my child
Hurry home ♪
♪ The table's all set for you ♪
♪ But on your way home
Bring your friends along ♪
♪ And tell 'em they're invited, too ♪
♪ Come on back, my child
Come on back ♪
♪ You've been away too long ♪
♪ I've been lonely
Ever since you've been gone ♪
♪ So please, won't you come on home ♪
Woo-hoo!
Freshman year, you got rejected
by Alpha Delta Rho
and had a meltdown.
Now you don't seem to care.
Has your worldview changed
since coming to Winchester?
My worldview hasn't been changed
by Winchester,
but Winchester will be changed
by my worldview.
God, I feel like a reality star.
- Should I fight with someone?
- You're about to start one with me
if you don't start giving me
some real answers.
- Why do we have to do this today?
- It's Jerry Skyler.
He...
is making me capture all this footage
and interviews
in order to prove
that I'm on the right track.
Oh, I get it. You're just vamping.
No, I'm getting inspiration
from the footage
- that I'm capturing.
- Vamping.
Yeah, pretty much.
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I want a brand new house ♪
♪ Something I cannot buy
Something I can't afford ♪
♪ I ain’t even make it
Off the jetway, damn ♪
Thank you very much for this, son.
Hi, can I help you?
Hi.
You know,
because of what happened last time,
I'm trying to keep a low profile.
But, on the upside,
I am over trying to impress women
with the skinny jean thing.
I got to let my boys breathe.
Can we not talk about your junk
while we're having coffee?
Or ever?
Well, what do you want me to do?
Tweet about it on Instagram like you do?
- Heard from your mother?
- Yeah.
She's opening a new art exhibit
in Barcelona.
It's about motherhood
and the modern woman.
Which is apparently
why I got it in a text.
- I'm sorry, son.
- No, don't be.
She sent it with a bitmoji,
so I know what she looks like now.
She changed her hair.
I got to go.
Got a student advising session.
Hey, you want to do something special?
For...?
Parents' weekend.
The Global Venture
Fellowship at the Sorbonne.
Prestigious.
And ambitious.
I plan on being the first black woman
from the South Side to get in.
I just want you to be realistic
about your chances.
Realistic is for the ordinary, Dean.
You'll have to get
a letter of recommendation
from someone who's prominent
in your field of study.
Queensfield.
I have him for Political Theory.
My condolences.
He gets to some people,
but he's not getting to me.
Fair warning: his recommendations
don't come easy.
I always find a way to get what I want,
and I want this fellowship.
J'apprends de français.
I'm learning French,
I'm back on bread,
and I've already mastered
condescending snobbery.
I'm going to France.
Bon chance.
Do I get to meet your mom?
I'm imagining Viola from the waist up,
Serena from the waist down.
Hold tight to that visual
because that's the closest anyone here
is ever going to get to meeting her.
That's so sad.
I can't wait to see my parents.
They're, like, my best friends.
That's so sad.
Not at all.
I've got plans on plans on plans.
We're going to brunch, antiquing,
the Pluot and Aprium Festival...
When did you become a gay man
from Vermont?
Reg, what's with all the exercising?
Are you struggling with body dysmorphia?
Because, even as a lesbian,
I can see your body is bangin'.
I'm not always exercising.
Sometimes I'm meditating. Yeah.
I'm beta-testing Professor Brown's app.
Changed my life!
You do seem more chipper these days.
Like, I'm not afraid to talk to you.
- When were you ever afraid?
- "Afraid" is the wrong word.
More like I didn't want to talk to you.
So, Reg, are your parents coming?
And, more importantly,
do they like pluots and apriums?
My dad needs more guy friends.
Nah, that's a little too much
crossbreeding of fruit for me.
And my dad's last visit
to what he calls "Whitechester,"
it didn't go so well.
I feel so sorry for you.
And all the other orphans.
I'm actually fine.
The app keeps me centered.
And it's got all these built-in reminders
that, you know, like,
tell you when to drink water...
You got into an Ivy and you don't know
when you're thirsty.
Young lady, by the time you feel thirsty,
it's already too late.
You guys should give it a shot.
I would, but I don't need to fill the void
in my life with an app.
I have parents who love me.
And I have ambition.
Professor Queensfield?
I just wanted to say,
I read the articles you wrote
in the 1975 Harvard Law Review.
Such an insightful take on riparian rights
in New Hampshire land deals.
Mm-hmm.
Anyhoo, um...
I'm applying
for the Global Venture Fellowship,
- and I need a letter of...
- Class.
I have an announcement.
For those of you, like this girl...
Coco. Coco Conners.
...like Kiki here,
who seek a recommendation letter,
please be advised
that I only consider doing that
for one of the top three students
in the class.
So,
be best.
I almost peed myself.
Please. I've got this.
- Katrina, who was Chanakya?
- Who's Katrina?
Who's Katrina?
Chanakya, also known as Kautilya,
was an Indian political philosopher
believed to have written The Arthashastra.
And what is The Arthashastra?
And do you believe it has relevance?
Yes, because although
it's over 2,000 years old,
it's still considered the ultimate guide
to the perfect state,
and essential to running government.
Everything from national security
and taxation,
to foreign and economic policy,
- to labor and financial management.
- Quite idealistic.
But what if those in government
are corrupt
and only work toward
their own self-interests?
It can happen.
Chanakya's analysis was
psycho-philo-socio-politico-
religio-economic in nature,
and actually well suited
for our current-day problems.
You just gave me a long,
albeit impressive, string of words
that lay out a theory,
- but how does it work in practice?
- I...
Chanakya's treatise is rooted
in sound economics,
but how does government work successfully
with an ever-expanding deficit?
Well...
And please, no more word salad.
I already ate.
The fact is that the most
important aspect of any venture
is pragmatism.
So ask only one question:
Does it work?
Now, Ms. Conners,
I'll ask again.
How do...
Hey. Are you okay?
Did you see that?
Sweetie, everybody saw that.
Four people laughed, but they waited
until you were out of the room.
What happened?
I don't know!
It was like watching Wonder Woman
fall into quicksand
and not even her superpowers
could save her
from sinking further and further,
until all you could see
was her fingertip.
And then, whoop! She was gone forever.
- Not helping!
- I'm sorry, but...
honey, you really shat the bed.
Really? Four people?
Actually, it was 12.
I was just trying to soften the blow.
Mmm.
Mommy?
Are you here already?
Oh, my God!
That's terrible!
Why am I just hearing about this?
Isn't there something we can do?
Some way to change?
Okay.
I understand.
Bye, Mommy.
Is everything okay?
My mom's going to have a baby.
Well, your tears of joy
don't seem very joyful.
This is a tragedy. I'm an only child.
I don't want to share my parents
with some chubby, greedy baby.
I'm not sure if you've noticed,
but babies,
they suck up a shitload of attention.
I totally get it.
My baby sister is an attention hog.
How old is she?
Two minutes younger than me.
Florida State.
And now my parents aren't even coming.
Something about saving paid vacation days.
I can't believe
I'm one of the pitiful orphans.
I have no one.
That's not true.
You have me.
♪ She's on my mind ♪
♪ She's on my mind ♪
What you doing?
Watching a video of a panda sneezing.
It's so cute.
Lionel, we all do it.
You don't have to lie.
Just come out and say
you were watching porn.
I was watching porn.
Now I don't know what to believe.
So, got anyone coming this weekend?
I don't.
My aunt couldn't make it.
It's a long trip from Ho-ston.
[chuckles[
My aunt's not a ho, it's just
what I've been calling Houston.
Yeah, Lionel, the whole
"Ho-ston" runner...
it's canceled.
Maybe next time I'll go wild
in "San Ho-se."
"Chicag-ho!"
So, is your mom coming?
No. Actually, I thought...
it might be too much for her,
you know, without my...
Can I interview you?
- Sure.
- Cool.
Favor my right side.
Oh!
- You read Chester, too?
- Honey, I cannot wait for the next one.
Whoever is writing Chester
is giving me a kink I did not know I had.
So...
just kind of explain to me
what it was like for you
when you first came out.
Well, when I came out it was...
it was cool.
I could finally be the me that I was
on the inside.
Shamelessly, unapologetically, and...
loudly.
Well, not loudly.
That's not really my thing.
Yeah. But now I have a question for you.
What do you hope to do with this film?
Um...
I don't know. I guess...
I'm searching for some kind of truth.
Mmm. Vamping.
Come on.
You made sacrifices to be here.
Get your shit together.
You look familiar.
Because I live inside your head.
Like when you imagined
what your daughter would look like,
you saw me.
But I don't actually exist.
So you're like a ghost?
That's ridiculous.
I'm like a manifestation of your
subconscious that follows you around.
And that's not ridiculous?
Bitch, it's your crazy.
You signed up for this class,
so you can't sit around comparing yourself
to everybody else.
Face it, they're better than you,
they're richer than you,
they're whiter than you.
But the only way to win
is to outwork them.
Now get to it.
Hey, Colandrea!
It's your mother.
In case you forgot you had one.
Cousin Gina's knocked up again!
That'll be five...
...'cause apparently robots need work
more than regular folks.
Someone was shot at the block party.
They didn't even get to taste
my famous ribs!
Thanks for hanging.
I needed a post-Queensfield detox.
Whoo, for Queensfield,
you might need a colonic.
Wait, my mom will be here this weekend.
- She might be able to help with him.
- Really? How?
Well, she used to work with him
at Cahill & Covington in DC.
He was obsessed with her.
Not in, like, a "he wanted
to wear her skin" kind of way,
but more in a "she wrote
all his legal briefs kind of way."
You think she'd be willing
to put in a word for me?
Of course.
My mom is a big proponent of advocating
for those who don't have the same
advantages she did.
Why don't you brunch with us?
- I have so much I...
- Colandrea!
Woo-hoo!
- Colandrea!
- Coco.
Yoo-hoo!
- Colandrea!
- Mom?
What are you doing here?
There's my sweet baby!
Pastor Ulmer says we should pay attention
to signs from the Lord.
That same day,
I got an email about parents' weekend.
I left a message before
I got on the plane. Didn't you get it?
My phone's dead!
Well, surprise! I'm here!
I used Cousin Gina's mileage points.
She ain't traveling no time soon
with all them damn kids.
Lordt, that girl loves sex.
But I thought you were working
this weekend.
I was, until I had to go in
for emergency gallbladder surgery.
Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
I lied! My gallbladder's fine.
I do have gout,
- and irritable bowel...
- Mom,
you don't have to run down
your medical chart.
Right.
Mom, this is Muffy Tuttle.
Muffy, this is Evelyn.
It is so nice to meet you, Ms. Conners.
Coco has told me...
stuff.
Why don't you come to brunch?
- That's so nice, but she's not gonna be...
- I'm gonna be all over that!
Pancakes and waffles and bacon
and sausages.
- Yep.
- Then they got the biscuits and the toast
- and we got a little oatmeal...
- Yes, Mom, all the foods.
And mimosas.
Bottomless, baby.
I guess we'll see you,
and your appetite, tomorrow.
- Yay!
- Aww, look at your little friend.
She's nice.
I'm guessing her people came in
on a different ship than ours, huh?
Mom, please!
What? Where's the lie? She white, right?
Whoo, so...
- are you gonna show me around?
- Actually, I have studying.
Okay. Well...
I'll just go back to the motel
and we can catch up later.
I'm gonna drink my way
through that minibar
and then tell them I got robbed.
Hey.
You're happy to see me, right?
Of course!
I'm just so busy.
Okay.
♪ Speak it now or hold the truth ♪
- Kelsey?
- Hmm?
I know you love your mom and dad,
but isn't this a bit romantic?
Actually, they're not coming.
I was filled with rage,
but then I did some of Reggie's
Black Headspace,
and I'm feeling much better.
I also drank half a bottle of rum.
Well, give me the other half.
I need it after the day I've had.
- Yeah, you need to leave.
- What?
I have someone coming by
and I'm not sure where this may lead,
so don't come back until I text.
Great!
Two women trying to have an orgasm.
This will take all night.
Honey, that's for you straights.
We're fluent in Vaginese.
- Hey.
- Wow.
Wow.
Wow!
You two are quite the unlikely pairing.
My God, how does this work?
I'm just... Okay.
Kelsey...
This is so beautiful.
I like to make things look nice.
I am a big fan of HGTV.
It shows.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I know your full name,
so I'm already out of my comfort zone.
Listen, I don't want to be
just part of an experiment,
so if you're on
some sort of sexual journey,
please don't make me a stop along the way.
First of all,
I also bang with HGTV.
Is there a "second of all"?
There's a connection here.
I mean, don't you feel it, too?
I guess.
Maybe.
Okay.
Yes.
Does this spark joy?
Nope.
Oh, good, you're up!
I thought maybe we could grab breakfast,
and then go antiquing,
and I still have tickets
to the Pluot and Aprium Festival
if we really want to get wild with it.
That sounds fun!
Last night was great.
I'm really glad we took the leap.
Glad.
Wake up.
Wake up!
We need to get to that brunch.
The walk of shame requires walking.
A real-live Ken doll.
You stayed the night.
Forward progress, I like it.
It was either here
or that couch in A-P
with the ass grooves in it.
Your morning-after sexy talk
could really use some work.
Zip me up, I have to go.
You can go after you come.
My material is a little rusty
this early in the morning, too.
No, no, no. We don't have time for this!
Oh.
This Ken doll has all the parts.
Okay, just a quickie,
and then you got to go.
♪ Before you get a boyfriend ♪
Mrs. Tuttle!
So wonderful to finally meet you.
I'm Coco.
I hope you haven't been waiting long.
As long as there's wine,
I don't feel time.
Oh, I told her you have Queensfield.
And I told her you have my sympathy.
He's brilliant, but he can be
such a sadistic prick.
- Yeah, that's what I...
- Yoo-hoo? Colandrea!
- Hey, baby girl!
- Hey.
- Okay.
- Did I get you? Okay.
Oh, and you must be Muffy's mom.
Caroline. It's a pleasure to meet you.
You, too.
She's a little underdressed.
So, Evelyn, how was your flight?
Oh, very nice.
I got upgraded to first class.
I told them I was a veteran.
- Should we order?
- Yes, I am starving.
You should be,
because, baby girl, you a bag of bones.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Mrs. Tuttle...
- Please, call me Caroline.
Caroline, I'm applying
for this fellowship...
Ooh, I will definitely be having
the sal-mon.
Maybe I'll find a bone in it
and get it for free.
Do sal-mons have bones in 'em?
Don't worry. This is my treat.
She's not worried, she's just kidding.
No, I'm not! $34 for a piece of sal-mon?
The Sal-mon Value Pack at Walmart
is only $4.99 a pound.
Could you please stop saying "sal-mon"?
So...
- Evelyn, would you...
- Please, call me Mrs. Conners.
Mrs. Conners,
would you like some wine?
We ordered an Haut Lafitte
before you got here.
- Oh, is it a Merlot?
- God, no.
Well, when in Rome.
Want to go ahead and help your girl out?
- Just got to tip that...
- Anyway,
if I get the recommendation
from Queensfield,
then the fellowship in Paris is a lock...
Paris? Paris, France?
Yes, Mother.
I've always wanted to go there!
I got a selfie of myself
in front of the Las Vegas Eiffel Tower.
Now I gotta complete the set.
That's all of 'em, right?
- Well, there is one in Epcot.
- Ooh!
How about a fellowship in Orlando?
Oh, God.
I'm a little tipsy with all those
bottomless mimosas.
They weren't bottomless.
Oh, my goodness, it's so chichi up in here
with all this wood
and all these pictures
of these dead white people.
Ooh! I'm gonna get me a selfie
with Michelle.
She's alive. And black!
There you go, Michelle!
Baby, come take a picture with me.
Let's be Becoming together!
Mom!
You ruined my day
and possibly my career!
Can't you just leave me alone?
So, I guess that's how they're talking
to their mommas at Winchester, huh?
I didn't mean it.
Sam! You finally called me back.
Baby...
are you crying?
Yeah, it's...
It's dumb.
I've been texting Dad.
And today I got a text back.
The phone company gave his number away,
which is so disrespectful.
It's like, the body isn't even cold.
Can you at least wait a year?
I just, I feel so stupid
for texting a dead man.
Baby, you're not stupid.
You know what I did?
I finally gave his clothes away
to Goodwill,
but by the time I got home,
I started to panic.
And I was like, "What if he comes back?
He's not going to have anything to wear."
So I drove down there
and I took everything back.
- No!
- Yes!
Practically had to wrestle
one of his sweaters
out of a homeless man's hands.
Not my proudest moment.
You know, maybe...
we could talk more,
instead of texting strangers
or robbing the homeless.
Yeah, that sounds like a much better plan.
I would have invited you this weekend.
I just, I thought it...
Yeah.
Now, you tell me what's going on with you.
Well, I'm shooting this film...
and I'm...
I'm getting all these interviews.
And, sure, it may look like vamping,
but something about it feels right.
I just...
I don't know how everything
is going to come together.
Sam, you remember
when you were young,
and you used to try those
thousand-piece puzzles?
You would get so mad
when they wouldn't immediately fit.
Luckily, I had the puzzle master.
And what did I always tell you?
Divide your piles into segments,
and then work through each cluster
separately,
and then connect your clusters
to your borders.
Wow.
That's actually really helpful.
Well, don't say it
like it's such a surprise!
Sorry.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry.
You were just saying how you feel.
Still, I never should have
talked to you that way.
No, you shouldn't have.
Who raised you?
I've always done my best, you know?
And when your test scores got attention
from that private school,
I was scared that I would lose you,
and I did.
You didn't.
You haven't come home since you came here.
Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day...
All the church dates.
And I was fine with it.
Because I'd never want to deny you
all of this.
- Mom, I...
- No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm guessing that you and I, we're just...
different people.
Maybe.
Maybe I've just been acting
like a different person.
I mean, I could probably come home
for Mother's Day.
See, I kinda assumed that you
weren't coming, so me and my girl,
we're gonna hit a casino
and try to eat half-off for Mother's Day.
Maybe I'll meet you there.
This is more of a grown and sexy outing.
We can play it by ear.
Hmm.
I know that one trip is not
going to turn us into the black Tuttles.
But, baby, it's a start.
Yeah.
And for the record,
I put ice in my wine
to fuck with uppity white folks.
And speaking of uppity white folks,
this campus is crawling with them!
This school's motto should be,
"Do you know who my father is?"
No, it should be,
"I would like to speak to your manager!"
Or how about, "I can't be racist,
I loved Hamilton."
Real talk, Hamilton is a good musical.
You've seen it?
I've only been pretending to have seen it.
Saw it on YouTube.
Fifteen parts.
So many ads!
♪...to what you know is right ♪
Oh, baby girl.
♪ Don't be afraid
Just beacuse you disobeyed ♪
♪ Please, won't you come on home ♪
What are you looking at?
♪ How I want you to know ♪
♪ I really love you so ♪
♪ And I will never be happy ♪
♪ Till you come back home ♪
♪ Hurry home, my child
Hurry home ♪
♪ The table's all set for you ♪
♪ But on your way home
Bring your friends along ♪
♪ And tell 'em they're invited, too ♪
♪ Come on back, my child
Come on back ♪
♪ You've been away too long ♪
♪ I've been lonely
Ever since you've been gone ♪
♪ So please, won't you come on home ♪
Woo-hoo!