Dead Ringers (2002–2007): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Better give me back
that £200 and fast.
Bad time to get on the wrong side of
me, sunshine.
Not many firemen around.
I'm Michael Buerk.
Churchill was named yesterday
as the winner of BBC2's
Great Britons poll.
But after legal challenges and a recount,
a new winner has been announced.
It's an honouratitude
to be the greatest Briton.
I thank everyone who voted for me
and my brother, Jeb, who counted
the votes until we got the right result.
To have beaten candidates
as varicose as Princess Diana,
one of the finest naked mud wrestlers ever,
Winston Churchill, the man
who revolutionated stair lift design,
and Isanbard Kingdon Brunel,
inventor of the microwave can opener,
is astonisherating.
It won't change me.
I'll do what I've always done,
putting the votes for Wilbur Shakespeare
in the shredder.
Download MyTotal.TV to watch your favorite TV
www.mytotal.tv THE BEST TV APP
I swear, just like a pill, instead of
making me better, you make me ill.
More on that story later.
The consequences of the fire fighters'
strike have come into focus
with the tragic news that Deputy Prime
Minister John Prescott burnt to the ground.
We've this footage of the fire starting.
In regard to your pay claims,
Andy Gilchrist,
Fireman Sam,
Cuthbert and Dibble agree with me.
Regarding the enactment of public safety
and where safety has been enacted,
we're concerned,
we're concerning the public
who have had their
say and that is off.
Two of his incomprehensible sentences
rubbed together and caught alight.
This tragedy was more upsetting
because John Prescott was a
Grade II listed politician.
Tony Blair is in Westminster. If not
for the strike, could he have been saved?
Perhaps, yes. I blame myself. I should have
unplugged John before I went to bed.
Guilty face, quivering lip, uniting-the-
nation-in-times-of-tragedy hand gesture.
Hearing he was ablaze,
I rushed to the scene,
but sadly this can of petrol was empty.
Wise Wizard Gandalf,
who would be your greatest Briton?
I don't know really.
I'd vote for anyone who'd give me
a year's supply of Immac.
Good evening.
I'm sure each and every one
of us is relieved to find
that Princess Anne's ugly little
dog, Dotty, is still alive.
Dotty's life was only spared in court
after I remembered I had a conversation
with Dotty years ago,
which I'd forgotten because
I'm an absent-minded old trout.
During that three-minute exchange,
three hours in dog years,
she conveyed to me of her intention
to bite two small children,
to which, of course, I gave my blessing.
One concludes by saying
that one is shocked
that Dotty has sold her
story to the "Mirror"
and she can think herself
lucky she's a bitch,
otherwise I would cut her balls off,
just as I did with Charles's some time ago.
Good night.
This shall be my last supper with you.
I shall not drink again from the fruit
of the vine until the Kingdom of God comes.
But I tell you this. There is one
of you here who will betray me.
One of you does not deserve
to be my follower.
That's right, Jesus,
because, disciples, you've accumulated
only two bottles of wine and some bread.
Not what I'd want for my last supper.
So, who's not pulling their weight?
Who should consider the lily...permanently?
Who is a Pharisee with a capital "F"?
It's time to vote off the Weakest Disciple.
Simon, who is called Peter,
you voted for Judas. Why?
I have a feeling he's the one
who'll do the betraying.
He's also the one
who's banked the most money,
- 30 pieces of silver.
- I back my judgement.
We'll see if you're so smug
when the cock's crowed.
Thomas, will Judas be happy
you voted for him?
- I doubt it.
- You would doubt it, wouldn't you?
Judas, you banked the
most, but votes count.
- You ARE the weakest disciple. Goodbye.
- Right, I am the weakest disciple.
I have sinned and betrayed innocent blood.
It were better I were not born.
I will go, find a tree and hang myself.
Well, given that he was voted off first,
he took it rather well!
Tell Wogan if "Points of View"
noses around here,
I'll post him in a concrete envelope
into the Thames.
Liza Minelli has defended
pop freak Michael Jackson,
saying he wasn't wrong
to dangle his son from a hotel window.
But she was possibly influenced
into saying that,
as Jackson was hanging her
out of a hotel window at the time.
I start my day by reinventing myself.
I'm Robbie the clown.
That's boring. I'll have breakfast.
This is Girl. She's my soul mate.
We'll spend our lives together.
Shame she didn't last
till I'd finished me bacon.
I'll fall out with a celebrity.
Liam Gallagher, you are a loud-mouthed,
talentless monkey! You're gonna get it.
Yeah, me and Liam had a chat
and sorted stuff out.
And he's me best mate in the whole world.
This is Girl 2. I love her.
We're soul mates and we'll never be apart.
She didn't last till pudding. She left me
for that monkey, Liam Gallagher.
I've reinvented myself.
I'm the devil. Smart.
I hate my life. My life's great.
You wouldn't want to be me.
Tomorrow, I'll just do it all over again.
Now time for "Forever Summer".
I'm Nigella Lawson, the reason Kleenex
shareholders drive Rolls-Royces.
Summer is the time
when fruit is at its plumpest.
The firm, ripe flesh just oozing.
Look, I'm sorry, but this is just too easy.
I need more of a challenge.
I'll make something else sound sexy.
In a last-minute change
to our schedules on 4,
Nigella Lawson delights us
with filling in her tax return.
Start by sitting at the desk, allowing
the leather-bound chair to groan slightly
as it takes the weight
of your full, ripe, sensuous body.
Slowly, teasingly,
slip off the thick brown
Inland Revenue envelope,
taking a glimpse at the contents
before allowing them to spill playfully
onto the desktop beneath you.
Next, take a pen firmly in one hand.
I prefer grasping mine
at the end of the stem,
but it depends on the length
and thickness of the nib
and how engorged it is...with ink.
Just let that liquid ooze slowly out
onto the waiting document.
I'm going to stroke this box now,
16a, subsection b, very, very carefully.
I'm going to work my way down,
stroking and stroking,
and stroking until the taxman
is completely satisfied.
Why does that always happen to me?
That's enough. I don't want them
thinking I'm a poofter.
Er, was I a violent kid?
No, I don't think so.
The school playground was rough and ready.
I remember when I was 12 or 13.
At that age, nobody wants a funny look.
So what followed was a very nasty scrap
which must have lasted 30 minutes,
and I emerged bloodied but victorious.
That koala never looked funny at me again.
The Cyberman's favourite
Great Briton is Henry VIII.
He killed the Catholic church,
Cardinal Wolsey and Thomas More.
He killed Anne Boleyn and Catherine
Howard. He's our favourite Briton.
- He was an unstoppable killing machine.
- I like Bruce Forsyth.
You're weird!
("DOCTOR WHO" THEME MUSIC)
Ah, Earth, 1997.
An interstitial time helix, galaxy grade!
Obviously the work of tube effect worms.
Those slave relay supports
are the largest I've seen!
They'll tap into volcanic fission
at the centre of Earth.
Those pods could be jettisoned
into e-space at superlucent velocity.
I must save them!
Excuse me, where do those pods go?
They just go round!
Not into the universe of anti-matter?
- Are you Doctor Who?
- I'm known as the Doctor.
So the pods go all the way up
and back down again?
Absolutely.
Greetings. This is fascinating! It seems
we're on an observation wheel.
If only that were true!
This is a galaxy-grade
interstitial time helix
invented by the Centaurans on Phobos.
We are trapped on a cryogenic chamber pod!
The Centaurans want to capture us
and turn us into reptilian hatchlings
before the war with the Rutans.
See that building with the large clock?
You know what's in there? Wankers!
If you move to the north edges
of the capsule,
facing the spiral staircases,
we'll take your photograph.
Don't , it's a trap!
These cards which depict
the interstitial time delay helix,
- how much are they?
- 45 pence.
Have you got change of a Galifrean zonk?
- That's dangerous. Don't touch it.
- Why not?
You are Autons from the planet Tossos.
We haven't much time.
Nice to see you, to see you nice!
I'm warning you!
(JAMES BOND THEME)
- James, do you understand your mission?
- To infiltrate an organisation
intent on world domination, whose
lair is staffed by drones in jumpsuits.
But Tesco's give us money
to mention them in the film.
So do Sainsbury's and Asda! My martinis
are made with Happy Shopper vodka.
Exactly. Start by negotiating the aisles,
chock-full of products at very low prices.
Try the fresh bread at the in-store bakery.
And don't forget to fill up
with price-busting petrol.
M, my secret missions are less exciting
since we started this product placement.
After defeating SMERSH, shopping
at Tesco's is a comedown for 007.
It's no longer 007. It's 007 /11.
Open 24 hours for all your shopping needs.
Two million quid into
the usual bank account
or your oil tanker might
develop a leak as well!
Following good ratings
for Channel 4's live autopsy,
BBC One has decided to do what it does
with hit shows on other channels - nick it.
They say their version will
be as scientifically rigorous
as Professor Van Hagen's.
Hello and welcome to
"Dale's Showbiz Autopsy"!
Hope you're ready to probe
a few bodies! I am!
We've more corpses than
"Last of the Summer Wine".
First, a body that's been embalmed
for some time, Babs Windsor!
- Have you got your instruments?
- They're all here.
Blusher, eye-liner...
No, you noggin, the other ones!
Yeah. Now, we've got scissors,
scalpel, forceps...
- Sterilised?
- It's too late for me to worry about that!
OK, let's take a look at the stiff!
Ah! It's the lovely Graham Norton!
It was only a matter of time before
I got something sharp of Dale's inside me.
Cheeky mare! Right,
time to make my first incision!
Ooh! So, stand up if, like me,
you've just had both legs sawn off.
Next week, I'll stick the knife in
even better than Paul Burrell! Bye!
My name is Greg Dyke,
Director General of the BBC.
Shut up, I am!
I'm asked how I stay calm
in such a high-pressure job.
Well, I've got an executive
toy for stress relief.
Sit it on the desk.
If someone winds you up,
you punch it and the stress evaporates.
Yeah, it's called Jim Davidson.
"The Generation Game" has been axed.
Oi, Yentob, are we going to the seaside?
Hi, kids, it's that time
of the morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs!
What's Flommit got there?
Do you know, Bobo?
I think you do, Bobo.
Flommit has a tabloid newspaper.
See what story Flommit's reading?
It's an article on page 7 by an actor
who plays one of the Coloured Blobs,
describing his drug-fuelled
sex antics on set.
Know what a confidentiality
clause is, Bobo?
You should, you signed one
when you took this job.
Look, children, it's Bobo's new friends,
Bullet-tooth Tony and Bonecrusher Billy.
They're going to take Bobo on an adventure
and teach Bobo a lesson.
Producers won't be (BLEEP)ed about
by a two-bit circus trapeze artist.
Children, do you think Flommit or Plinky
would sell their story to a rag now?
No, not if they know what's good for them!
This is "Newsnight Review", a photo
negative of "You've Been Framed".
We turn now to the English National Opera's
production of "Tosca". Germaine Greer?
To me, this production failed to capture
a world that is essentially fatalistic
yet at the same time optimistic in tone.
- That's not acceptable.
- Why?
It almost made sense and no-one
watches this show for that.
Tom Paulin, you usually make as much
sense as a hamster in a tumble-drier.
For me, the whole production
just smelt too much of vanilla.
Not bad, but perhaps
not the full straitjacket. Germaine?
What the production lacked
was a monkey sitting on a toilet
reading a newspaper.
We're beginnign to knock on Broadmoor's
door but they're not letting us in.
It's just as well we have the master's here
to show you how it's done. Jimmy Hill.
You know... The thing
about "Tosca" is it is a good opera.
You and I both know
that it's a decent opera.
But, you know, we should be sort of looking
at it and saying it's coming toward us
and then going away again.
What's happening...
On the side are things going on.
It has got a lot of power, a lot of pace.
It's got everything,
two good feet, it's good in the air.
I think if Teddy Sheringham
were to sit in the hole,
you know, prompting,
probing, delightful little balls.
The tragedy is it hasn't made it to
the second phase of the Champions' League
- on the away-goal rule.
- Perfect.
People of Britain,
following the rioting in Nigeria,
I've agreed for the Miss World pageant
to be staged here.
I've only done so after getting guarantees.
Firstly, no more statements
liable to inflame religious tensions.
Most importantly, that I can be
the UK contestant in the pageant.
Hello.
My name is Tony. I'm Sagittarius
with Capricorn rising.
I'm outgoing, like country
walks, charity work,
and men who don't just
want me for my beauty.
Can you hear me, George?
It's an honour that so many voted for me,
Captain Scott, as the greatest Briton.
Me, a man who never gave up,
no matter how hopeless the cause.
I'm surprised more people
didn't vote for Tim Henman
or the producers of "Fame Academy".
("PARKINSON" THEME)
My next guest is the nice lady
whom I've stood next to at this bus stop.
Good morning.
I should ask you, when did you first decide
to wait at a bus stop in this way?
- When did that happen?
- In the sixties.
You must have waited
at some memorable bus stops.
Which stand out as your favourites?
I don't know. Er...
Oxford Street, because
you get a bus quite quickly.
There's always a bustling atmosphere
at the bus stop in Oxford Circus.
- Yes.
- Always plenty going on.
- Yes, and there are buses up and down.
- Yes.
You can hop off one bus onto another.
- So any bus stop is fine?
- Yes. The bus comes and I get on.
With Mohammed Ali,
Spike Milligan, Gene Kelly?
Yes!
I suppose this is a difficult
question to ask,
but have you considered taking your clothes
off if the bus stops permitted it?
No, I would not!
I'm not an exhibitionist. I will not!
That's something I admire about your work.
I would not strip for
anyone but my husband.
I've been married
to him for 42 years.
I'm not stripping for anyone but him.
It's been nice to talk to you.
Any new bus stops lined up for the future?
The one in Barbados!
It's been wonderful to be with you.
My guest's book, "Waiting At Bus Stops"
is in all bookshops now.
A very good read it is.
Thank you very much and good day.
Thank you. My guests next week
include Bernie Clifton
and a herd of giraffes. Goodbye!
ITV have revealed their controversial
choice of a big name star
to play the lead in a new drama
about the Queen Mother.
Dear Wallis, our love can never be.
I cannot take a divorcee as my queen.
Then leave. Relinquish the throne.
The country may lose a king,
but we will be happy.
Then, that's what I'll do.
You're going nowhere, slags,
or my name's not Elizabeth Bowes Lyon.
But you're Ross Kemp!
Right. I've played an angry bald brother,
an angry bald security man and SAS soldier.
An angry bald Queen Mother
was the next step.
If you think I'll stand by
while this horse-faced American
drives Bertie to his grave
by forcing him to become king,
you're wrong.
You slag!
Even for Kemp, a role too far.
Germaine, do you agree?
- No, I don't .
- Germaine?
It's me, Ross Kemp. Playing an angry bald
Australian feminist seemed the next step.
Violence against women is a sign
of the castration of the male hierarchy
in regard to the female hegemony.
In other words, get down them stairs, slag!
A treat for drama lovers as this BBC Two
trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies.
He's written everything else this weekend,
so why not this?
It'll be the same
as the other trails,
except I'm wearing a
frock coat and top hat.
And it's a bit sexier than usual.
I'm Kirsty Wark. Even when I'm with my Boo,
all I think about is you.
Army generals have complained that soldiers
can't cover for striking fire fighters
if they take part in an invasion of Iraq.
With me is Mr Tony Blair.
Angry hand gesture, serious forehead.
We've-got-to-pull-together teeth.
Safety is paramount. But when our boys
are bombing Baghdad into the Stone Age,
they will be replaced by individuals
well-versed in fire fighting.
- The Territorials?
- No, clowns.
Under the watchful eye of Mr Chipperfield,
Mr Spangles and thousands of other clowns
have been well trained in every facet
of the clown art of fire fighting.
From walking up a ladder
to throwing glitter onto a cardboard fire.
(PARP)
Spangles communicates
using ridiculous noises,
but I have someone
from the Cabinet to interpret. Robin?
(UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH AND PARPS)
Same language.
Mr Spangles says we'll be equipped
with the latest soda siphons.
When they're called,
they'll board their clown cars.
Clown cars have top speeds of 3mph
and stop after six feet
in a cloud of smoke!
So they'll get there
quicker than the Green Goddesses!
Hello, loves, Thora here.
They've asked me for my favourite Briton.
It's been a very difficult choice.
Should it be Shakespeare, Mr Churchill,
Mick Jones of The Clash?
Well, I've finally plumped for God.
He is British, you know. You can tell
by his writing style in the Bible.
And the fact that he created
Rich Tea fingers. God bless.
Look, kids, there's Plinky
and there's Bobo.
And what's Flommit up to?
Why did Flommit punch Plinky?
'Cause Plinky looked at me funny.
- You don't seem yourself.
- No. I'm Ross Kemp.
I've played an angry bald lawyer,
soldier and Queen Mum.
An angry bald Blob was the next step.
I think it's time for the Blobs
to go beddy-bye-byes.
- Shut it, you slag!
- Flommit is sorry for using a bad word.
Sorry? I'll give you sorry!
Get down them stairs!
Starting soon on ITV2, "Pop Rivals Extra".
Expect tears from the young hopefuls
whose dreams of becoming famous were
crushed by being chosen for the final band.
Goldie is the first to be voted off
"Celebrity Big Brother".
- Germaine?
- Why do people watch such nonsense?
There's no intrinsic entertainment value
in watching "C" list celebrities
sitting talking.
Absolutely!
It's so boring!
Just watching people sitting
and talking endlessly on and on.
These ghastly women
who are so self-obsessed
and talk about themselves all the time.
Would I do that?
- Would I talk about myself all the time?
- Just when you think they've finished...
..they start again talking
endlessly on and on.
Day 603 in the "Newsnight Review" house.
The housemates have achieved
the impossible -
being even more boring than the real thing!
Last one in the jacuzzi has to explain
the feminist theories of Andrea Dworkin!
that £200 and fast.
Bad time to get on the wrong side of
me, sunshine.
Not many firemen around.
I'm Michael Buerk.
Churchill was named yesterday
as the winner of BBC2's
Great Britons poll.
But after legal challenges and a recount,
a new winner has been announced.
It's an honouratitude
to be the greatest Briton.
I thank everyone who voted for me
and my brother, Jeb, who counted
the votes until we got the right result.
To have beaten candidates
as varicose as Princess Diana,
one of the finest naked mud wrestlers ever,
Winston Churchill, the man
who revolutionated stair lift design,
and Isanbard Kingdon Brunel,
inventor of the microwave can opener,
is astonisherating.
It won't change me.
I'll do what I've always done,
putting the votes for Wilbur Shakespeare
in the shredder.
Download MyTotal.TV to watch your favorite TV
www.mytotal.tv THE BEST TV APP
I swear, just like a pill, instead of
making me better, you make me ill.
More on that story later.
The consequences of the fire fighters'
strike have come into focus
with the tragic news that Deputy Prime
Minister John Prescott burnt to the ground.
We've this footage of the fire starting.
In regard to your pay claims,
Andy Gilchrist,
Fireman Sam,
Cuthbert and Dibble agree with me.
Regarding the enactment of public safety
and where safety has been enacted,
we're concerned,
we're concerning the public
who have had their
say and that is off.
Two of his incomprehensible sentences
rubbed together and caught alight.
This tragedy was more upsetting
because John Prescott was a
Grade II listed politician.
Tony Blair is in Westminster. If not
for the strike, could he have been saved?
Perhaps, yes. I blame myself. I should have
unplugged John before I went to bed.
Guilty face, quivering lip, uniting-the-
nation-in-times-of-tragedy hand gesture.
Hearing he was ablaze,
I rushed to the scene,
but sadly this can of petrol was empty.
Wise Wizard Gandalf,
who would be your greatest Briton?
I don't know really.
I'd vote for anyone who'd give me
a year's supply of Immac.
Good evening.
I'm sure each and every one
of us is relieved to find
that Princess Anne's ugly little
dog, Dotty, is still alive.
Dotty's life was only spared in court
after I remembered I had a conversation
with Dotty years ago,
which I'd forgotten because
I'm an absent-minded old trout.
During that three-minute exchange,
three hours in dog years,
she conveyed to me of her intention
to bite two small children,
to which, of course, I gave my blessing.
One concludes by saying
that one is shocked
that Dotty has sold her
story to the "Mirror"
and she can think herself
lucky she's a bitch,
otherwise I would cut her balls off,
just as I did with Charles's some time ago.
Good night.
This shall be my last supper with you.
I shall not drink again from the fruit
of the vine until the Kingdom of God comes.
But I tell you this. There is one
of you here who will betray me.
One of you does not deserve
to be my follower.
That's right, Jesus,
because, disciples, you've accumulated
only two bottles of wine and some bread.
Not what I'd want for my last supper.
So, who's not pulling their weight?
Who should consider the lily...permanently?
Who is a Pharisee with a capital "F"?
It's time to vote off the Weakest Disciple.
Simon, who is called Peter,
you voted for Judas. Why?
I have a feeling he's the one
who'll do the betraying.
He's also the one
who's banked the most money,
- 30 pieces of silver.
- I back my judgement.
We'll see if you're so smug
when the cock's crowed.
Thomas, will Judas be happy
you voted for him?
- I doubt it.
- You would doubt it, wouldn't you?
Judas, you banked the
most, but votes count.
- You ARE the weakest disciple. Goodbye.
- Right, I am the weakest disciple.
I have sinned and betrayed innocent blood.
It were better I were not born.
I will go, find a tree and hang myself.
Well, given that he was voted off first,
he took it rather well!
Tell Wogan if "Points of View"
noses around here,
I'll post him in a concrete envelope
into the Thames.
Liza Minelli has defended
pop freak Michael Jackson,
saying he wasn't wrong
to dangle his son from a hotel window.
But she was possibly influenced
into saying that,
as Jackson was hanging her
out of a hotel window at the time.
I start my day by reinventing myself.
I'm Robbie the clown.
That's boring. I'll have breakfast.
This is Girl. She's my soul mate.
We'll spend our lives together.
Shame she didn't last
till I'd finished me bacon.
I'll fall out with a celebrity.
Liam Gallagher, you are a loud-mouthed,
talentless monkey! You're gonna get it.
Yeah, me and Liam had a chat
and sorted stuff out.
And he's me best mate in the whole world.
This is Girl 2. I love her.
We're soul mates and we'll never be apart.
She didn't last till pudding. She left me
for that monkey, Liam Gallagher.
I've reinvented myself.
I'm the devil. Smart.
I hate my life. My life's great.
You wouldn't want to be me.
Tomorrow, I'll just do it all over again.
Now time for "Forever Summer".
I'm Nigella Lawson, the reason Kleenex
shareholders drive Rolls-Royces.
Summer is the time
when fruit is at its plumpest.
The firm, ripe flesh just oozing.
Look, I'm sorry, but this is just too easy.
I need more of a challenge.
I'll make something else sound sexy.
In a last-minute change
to our schedules on 4,
Nigella Lawson delights us
with filling in her tax return.
Start by sitting at the desk, allowing
the leather-bound chair to groan slightly
as it takes the weight
of your full, ripe, sensuous body.
Slowly, teasingly,
slip off the thick brown
Inland Revenue envelope,
taking a glimpse at the contents
before allowing them to spill playfully
onto the desktop beneath you.
Next, take a pen firmly in one hand.
I prefer grasping mine
at the end of the stem,
but it depends on the length
and thickness of the nib
and how engorged it is...with ink.
Just let that liquid ooze slowly out
onto the waiting document.
I'm going to stroke this box now,
16a, subsection b, very, very carefully.
I'm going to work my way down,
stroking and stroking,
and stroking until the taxman
is completely satisfied.
Why does that always happen to me?
That's enough. I don't want them
thinking I'm a poofter.
Er, was I a violent kid?
No, I don't think so.
The school playground was rough and ready.
I remember when I was 12 or 13.
At that age, nobody wants a funny look.
So what followed was a very nasty scrap
which must have lasted 30 minutes,
and I emerged bloodied but victorious.
That koala never looked funny at me again.
The Cyberman's favourite
Great Briton is Henry VIII.
He killed the Catholic church,
Cardinal Wolsey and Thomas More.
He killed Anne Boleyn and Catherine
Howard. He's our favourite Briton.
- He was an unstoppable killing machine.
- I like Bruce Forsyth.
You're weird!
("DOCTOR WHO" THEME MUSIC)
Ah, Earth, 1997.
An interstitial time helix, galaxy grade!
Obviously the work of tube effect worms.
Those slave relay supports
are the largest I've seen!
They'll tap into volcanic fission
at the centre of Earth.
Those pods could be jettisoned
into e-space at superlucent velocity.
I must save them!
Excuse me, where do those pods go?
They just go round!
Not into the universe of anti-matter?
- Are you Doctor Who?
- I'm known as the Doctor.
So the pods go all the way up
and back down again?
Absolutely.
Greetings. This is fascinating! It seems
we're on an observation wheel.
If only that were true!
This is a galaxy-grade
interstitial time helix
invented by the Centaurans on Phobos.
We are trapped on a cryogenic chamber pod!
The Centaurans want to capture us
and turn us into reptilian hatchlings
before the war with the Rutans.
See that building with the large clock?
You know what's in there? Wankers!
If you move to the north edges
of the capsule,
facing the spiral staircases,
we'll take your photograph.
Don't , it's a trap!
These cards which depict
the interstitial time delay helix,
- how much are they?
- 45 pence.
Have you got change of a Galifrean zonk?
- That's dangerous. Don't touch it.
- Why not?
You are Autons from the planet Tossos.
We haven't much time.
Nice to see you, to see you nice!
I'm warning you!
(JAMES BOND THEME)
- James, do you understand your mission?
- To infiltrate an organisation
intent on world domination, whose
lair is staffed by drones in jumpsuits.
But Tesco's give us money
to mention them in the film.
So do Sainsbury's and Asda! My martinis
are made with Happy Shopper vodka.
Exactly. Start by negotiating the aisles,
chock-full of products at very low prices.
Try the fresh bread at the in-store bakery.
And don't forget to fill up
with price-busting petrol.
M, my secret missions are less exciting
since we started this product placement.
After defeating SMERSH, shopping
at Tesco's is a comedown for 007.
It's no longer 007. It's 007 /11.
Open 24 hours for all your shopping needs.
Two million quid into
the usual bank account
or your oil tanker might
develop a leak as well!
Following good ratings
for Channel 4's live autopsy,
BBC One has decided to do what it does
with hit shows on other channels - nick it.
They say their version will
be as scientifically rigorous
as Professor Van Hagen's.
Hello and welcome to
"Dale's Showbiz Autopsy"!
Hope you're ready to probe
a few bodies! I am!
We've more corpses than
"Last of the Summer Wine".
First, a body that's been embalmed
for some time, Babs Windsor!
- Have you got your instruments?
- They're all here.
Blusher, eye-liner...
No, you noggin, the other ones!
Yeah. Now, we've got scissors,
scalpel, forceps...
- Sterilised?
- It's too late for me to worry about that!
OK, let's take a look at the stiff!
Ah! It's the lovely Graham Norton!
It was only a matter of time before
I got something sharp of Dale's inside me.
Cheeky mare! Right,
time to make my first incision!
Ooh! So, stand up if, like me,
you've just had both legs sawn off.
Next week, I'll stick the knife in
even better than Paul Burrell! Bye!
My name is Greg Dyke,
Director General of the BBC.
Shut up, I am!
I'm asked how I stay calm
in such a high-pressure job.
Well, I've got an executive
toy for stress relief.
Sit it on the desk.
If someone winds you up,
you punch it and the stress evaporates.
Yeah, it's called Jim Davidson.
"The Generation Game" has been axed.
Oi, Yentob, are we going to the seaside?
Hi, kids, it's that time
of the morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs!
What's Flommit got there?
Do you know, Bobo?
I think you do, Bobo.
Flommit has a tabloid newspaper.
See what story Flommit's reading?
It's an article on page 7 by an actor
who plays one of the Coloured Blobs,
describing his drug-fuelled
sex antics on set.
Know what a confidentiality
clause is, Bobo?
You should, you signed one
when you took this job.
Look, children, it's Bobo's new friends,
Bullet-tooth Tony and Bonecrusher Billy.
They're going to take Bobo on an adventure
and teach Bobo a lesson.
Producers won't be (BLEEP)ed about
by a two-bit circus trapeze artist.
Children, do you think Flommit or Plinky
would sell their story to a rag now?
No, not if they know what's good for them!
This is "Newsnight Review", a photo
negative of "You've Been Framed".
We turn now to the English National Opera's
production of "Tosca". Germaine Greer?
To me, this production failed to capture
a world that is essentially fatalistic
yet at the same time optimistic in tone.
- That's not acceptable.
- Why?
It almost made sense and no-one
watches this show for that.
Tom Paulin, you usually make as much
sense as a hamster in a tumble-drier.
For me, the whole production
just smelt too much of vanilla.
Not bad, but perhaps
not the full straitjacket. Germaine?
What the production lacked
was a monkey sitting on a toilet
reading a newspaper.
We're beginnign to knock on Broadmoor's
door but they're not letting us in.
It's just as well we have the master's here
to show you how it's done. Jimmy Hill.
You know... The thing
about "Tosca" is it is a good opera.
You and I both know
that it's a decent opera.
But, you know, we should be sort of looking
at it and saying it's coming toward us
and then going away again.
What's happening...
On the side are things going on.
It has got a lot of power, a lot of pace.
It's got everything,
two good feet, it's good in the air.
I think if Teddy Sheringham
were to sit in the hole,
you know, prompting,
probing, delightful little balls.
The tragedy is it hasn't made it to
the second phase of the Champions' League
- on the away-goal rule.
- Perfect.
People of Britain,
following the rioting in Nigeria,
I've agreed for the Miss World pageant
to be staged here.
I've only done so after getting guarantees.
Firstly, no more statements
liable to inflame religious tensions.
Most importantly, that I can be
the UK contestant in the pageant.
Hello.
My name is Tony. I'm Sagittarius
with Capricorn rising.
I'm outgoing, like country
walks, charity work,
and men who don't just
want me for my beauty.
Can you hear me, George?
It's an honour that so many voted for me,
Captain Scott, as the greatest Briton.
Me, a man who never gave up,
no matter how hopeless the cause.
I'm surprised more people
didn't vote for Tim Henman
or the producers of "Fame Academy".
("PARKINSON" THEME)
My next guest is the nice lady
whom I've stood next to at this bus stop.
Good morning.
I should ask you, when did you first decide
to wait at a bus stop in this way?
- When did that happen?
- In the sixties.
You must have waited
at some memorable bus stops.
Which stand out as your favourites?
I don't know. Er...
Oxford Street, because
you get a bus quite quickly.
There's always a bustling atmosphere
at the bus stop in Oxford Circus.
- Yes.
- Always plenty going on.
- Yes, and there are buses up and down.
- Yes.
You can hop off one bus onto another.
- So any bus stop is fine?
- Yes. The bus comes and I get on.
With Mohammed Ali,
Spike Milligan, Gene Kelly?
Yes!
I suppose this is a difficult
question to ask,
but have you considered taking your clothes
off if the bus stops permitted it?
No, I would not!
I'm not an exhibitionist. I will not!
That's something I admire about your work.
I would not strip for
anyone but my husband.
I've been married
to him for 42 years.
I'm not stripping for anyone but him.
It's been nice to talk to you.
Any new bus stops lined up for the future?
The one in Barbados!
It's been wonderful to be with you.
My guest's book, "Waiting At Bus Stops"
is in all bookshops now.
A very good read it is.
Thank you very much and good day.
Thank you. My guests next week
include Bernie Clifton
and a herd of giraffes. Goodbye!
ITV have revealed their controversial
choice of a big name star
to play the lead in a new drama
about the Queen Mother.
Dear Wallis, our love can never be.
I cannot take a divorcee as my queen.
Then leave. Relinquish the throne.
The country may lose a king,
but we will be happy.
Then, that's what I'll do.
You're going nowhere, slags,
or my name's not Elizabeth Bowes Lyon.
But you're Ross Kemp!
Right. I've played an angry bald brother,
an angry bald security man and SAS soldier.
An angry bald Queen Mother
was the next step.
If you think I'll stand by
while this horse-faced American
drives Bertie to his grave
by forcing him to become king,
you're wrong.
You slag!
Even for Kemp, a role too far.
Germaine, do you agree?
- No, I don't .
- Germaine?
It's me, Ross Kemp. Playing an angry bald
Australian feminist seemed the next step.
Violence against women is a sign
of the castration of the male hierarchy
in regard to the female hegemony.
In other words, get down them stairs, slag!
A treat for drama lovers as this BBC Two
trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies.
He's written everything else this weekend,
so why not this?
It'll be the same
as the other trails,
except I'm wearing a
frock coat and top hat.
And it's a bit sexier than usual.
I'm Kirsty Wark. Even when I'm with my Boo,
all I think about is you.
Army generals have complained that soldiers
can't cover for striking fire fighters
if they take part in an invasion of Iraq.
With me is Mr Tony Blair.
Angry hand gesture, serious forehead.
We've-got-to-pull-together teeth.
Safety is paramount. But when our boys
are bombing Baghdad into the Stone Age,
they will be replaced by individuals
well-versed in fire fighting.
- The Territorials?
- No, clowns.
Under the watchful eye of Mr Chipperfield,
Mr Spangles and thousands of other clowns
have been well trained in every facet
of the clown art of fire fighting.
From walking up a ladder
to throwing glitter onto a cardboard fire.
(PARP)
Spangles communicates
using ridiculous noises,
but I have someone
from the Cabinet to interpret. Robin?
(UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH AND PARPS)
Same language.
Mr Spangles says we'll be equipped
with the latest soda siphons.
When they're called,
they'll board their clown cars.
Clown cars have top speeds of 3mph
and stop after six feet
in a cloud of smoke!
So they'll get there
quicker than the Green Goddesses!
Hello, loves, Thora here.
They've asked me for my favourite Briton.
It's been a very difficult choice.
Should it be Shakespeare, Mr Churchill,
Mick Jones of The Clash?
Well, I've finally plumped for God.
He is British, you know. You can tell
by his writing style in the Bible.
And the fact that he created
Rich Tea fingers. God bless.
Look, kids, there's Plinky
and there's Bobo.
And what's Flommit up to?
Why did Flommit punch Plinky?
'Cause Plinky looked at me funny.
- You don't seem yourself.
- No. I'm Ross Kemp.
I've played an angry bald lawyer,
soldier and Queen Mum.
An angry bald Blob was the next step.
I think it's time for the Blobs
to go beddy-bye-byes.
- Shut it, you slag!
- Flommit is sorry for using a bad word.
Sorry? I'll give you sorry!
Get down them stairs!
Starting soon on ITV2, "Pop Rivals Extra".
Expect tears from the young hopefuls
whose dreams of becoming famous were
crushed by being chosen for the final band.
Goldie is the first to be voted off
"Celebrity Big Brother".
- Germaine?
- Why do people watch such nonsense?
There's no intrinsic entertainment value
in watching "C" list celebrities
sitting talking.
Absolutely!
It's so boring!
Just watching people sitting
and talking endlessly on and on.
These ghastly women
who are so self-obsessed
and talk about themselves all the time.
Would I do that?
- Would I talk about myself all the time?
- Just when you think they've finished...
..they start again talking
endlessly on and on.
Day 603 in the "Newsnight Review" house.
The housemates have achieved
the impossible -
being even more boring than the real thing!
Last one in the jacuzzi has to explain
the feminist theories of Andrea Dworkin!