Dead Ringers (2002–2007): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Fellow Americans, weapons inspectors have
arrived on the ground in the Iraqi capital.
My good friend,
Bulgarian prime minister Lionel Blair,
says the search is being led by a man
trusted never to give up the hunt.
Welcome to "Weapons Hunt",
with me, David Dickinson,
Peter Stringfellow on a budget.
I'm in downtown Baghdad.
I've uncovered a stockpile
of potentially lethal chemicals.
That's just the 15 cans of hairspray
in my luggage! One for the ladies!
OK, let's see what we've got. A rusty bomb.
But know the hallmark. "1985.
Made in the UK." Surely a duffer.
But this is a bit special.
Some depleted plutonium
dating back 10 or 12 years,
maybe left behind by
a superpower in a rush.
Weapon hunters, this is
a real collectors' piece.
A nuclear bomb! Is it in
working order? Let's find out.
Oh, dear! Radiation's
been spread for miles around.
On the plus side, everyone
now has my lurid complexion.
What a bobby dazzler!
International diplomacy, cheap as chips.
It's true I've handed over
£3 billion to Colonel Gaddafi
so I'll have a place to
flee to after the war.
Why Libya? Because £3 billion
wouldn't be enough
to get me started
on the property ladder in Britain.
I had my heart set on a
maisonette in Surbiton.
On BBC One, a programme about
the New Labour drama "The Project",
following the story
of the handful of mysterious people
who bothered to watch it
all the way through. Now, "Newsnight".
I'm Kirsty Wark. (SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Those headlines again
with the consonants reinstated.
After the worst week in living memory
for the Royal family,
the Palace has released a statement
on Paul Burrell.
As with other Royal tragedies,
it's delivered by Sir Elton John.
(INTRO TO "CANDLE IN THE WIND")
# Goodbye, Paul Burrell
# You cried only as a true friend can
# Shedding tears for Princess Di
# As you loaded up the van
# And it seemed to me when you got off
# You should have shut your craw
# Then the papers
wouldn't be making you out
# To be camper than Barrymore
# You said Diana spoke in colour
# The Queen in black and white
# Which of course makes you the one
# Who speaks in fluent shite #
Take it or leave it, Prince Charles's
cuff links are 50 quid.
Prince Edward's nipple clamps are a fiver.
A nerve gas attack, scheduled for
London Underground, won't now happen.
The Al-Qaeda terrorists
involved are on strike.
They said, with the fire fighters' dispute,
it's too dangerous to work there.
They may be suicidal,
but they're not stupid.
This week on "Celebrity Fit Club", Ann
Widdecombe attempts to go the distance.
I've been getting a few
angry calls from my constituents,
saying they'd rather not see their MP
in a freak show full of nobodies.
But I've assured them
being in the Tory Party
doesn't interfere one bit
with my work at Celebrity Fit Club.
New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD
all Alan Rickman fans can treasure.
Alan Rickman plays
the token baddie in Hollywood films.
Who can forget his performance
in "Die Hard"?
I'll get you, John McClane!
Or his Sheriff of Nottingham?
I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood!
And his towering performance
in "Harry Potter".
I'll get you, Harry Potter!
Also includes Alan Rickman
confronting his agent
the moment it dawned on him he
was now hopelessly typecast.
I'll get you, you lousy agent!
Buy this
and get "Judi Dench Plays Every Woman
Over 40 In Every British Film" free!
Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch.
I'll get you, A.S. Byatt!
People think all Russell Crowe is about
is stealing other men's wives
and brawling at ceremonies. Nonsense.
I'm happy stealing men's fiancées
and street brawling.
The BBC's search to replace
Angus Deayton has run into trouble.
Everyone working in TV
is a coke-snorting sex maniac.
The last supposedly squeaky-clean favourite
has been outed as another hell-raiser.
When Pudsey was high,
he was wilder than Angus Deayton.
He got me in a three-in-a-bed romp
with my best friend, Slapper Handball.
The charitable do-gooder Pudsey
thought himself untouchable,
but it's emerged the reason
for the eye-patch
is because the drugs he
takes burst his stitches.
Anyone who worked with Pudsey has lurid
stories. One wished to remain anonymous.
What's that?!
You both snorted coke off Panda's tits?
The outlook for Pudsey is bleak - shunned
by colleagues, demonised in the tabloids
and forced to go on
"Tonight With Trevor MacDonald".
In "The Bung" the truth about Di
from nobodies with tenuous links with her.
This bloke sold her a newspaper.
How one simple sentence - "I think
you've given me the wrong change" -
revealed Diana's inner turmoil.
I was the only person she trusted.
Read it in the "Bung".
Read about the real Di,
from the bloke who waved a flag at her.
I was the only person she trusted.
Read my amazing story only in the "Bung".
Exclusive insights from a woman
who met her in a big house.
Yes, I met her once.
She was lovely. Not a jumped-up
anorexic trollop at all.
Read my story exclusively in the "Bung".
Can one have one's money now?
("PARKINSON" THEME MUSIC)
Cold sort of day, isn't it?
Very cold sort of day.
I suppose I should
start by asking
when you decided to sit
at a bus stop in this way?
- Why?
- It's a typical bus stop, I know,
but what was it about
this particular bus stop
that drew you to sit
here in this way?
Er, I don't know.
I don't know what you ask.
Just a certain bus stop charm, I suppose.
It attracts people.
Have you ever sat at a bus stop
that you felt wasn't right for you,
- and felt you had to move on quickly?
- That can happen.
Did that happen with Mohammed Ali,
Spike Milligan or Gene Kelly?
I've never met one of them.
I did, on many occasions,
and fine fellows th-th-th-they were.
If I can just go back a bit,
legend has it your first bus stop was shown
to you by your parents at an early age.
I wouldn't know.
I don't remember that time.
Sitting at a bus stop,
is it something you still enjoy?
There's a dustbin wagon
in the way for a moment.
We'll wait for that to go.
I'll go and help the man.
When was the first time
you wanted to be a refuse collector?
- I never did.
- You never did?
I mean, once you've thrown that rubbish
into the wagon, where does it go?
- What is the next stage?
- Brentford.
To Brentford tip.
Down a chute and crushed up.
It's loaded onto trays and taken to Oxford.
Have you collected rubbish for Mohammed
Ali, Gene Kelly or Spike Milligan?
- No!
- No?
You do a tremendous job.
This man's book,
"Collecting Garbage", is out very soon.
Thank you.
I warn you, Bush and Blair. Attack
the Iraqi people and we will strike back.
You think we don't have
sophisticated weaponry
capable of defeating the most
powerful superpower ever known?
Then you are right.
But hidden deep in an underground vault,
we have something far worse than nuclear
or chemical bombs that we can unleash.
My huge stockpile
of unfashionable 1970s moustaches!
If you thought being turned into chip fat
by a dirty bomb was scary,
try life looking like a cross between me,
Robert Winston and Jeremy Bowen!
Not pretty!
I'm Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC.
Not a lot of people know that.
"Muffin the Mule"?
I'd bring it back, but film it underwater.
ITV have nicked the rights
for "Miss Marple" from my BBC.
So I am getting even. I'll read every
Miss Marple book and tell you whodunit.
"Murder in the Vicarage"
- that poncy artist.
"The Moving Finger" - the policeman.
"4.50 from Paddington" - Dr Quimper.
"Murder Is Announced"
- it was the kangaroo.
Didn't see that coming, did you?
Job done.
("STARS AND STRIPES" PLAYS)
The boys in Intelligence
say it's a good idea.
I've learned not to rely on intelligence.
Why should I see another Bin Laden tape?
He never sings nothing by S Club Juniors.
- It may help us to understand our enemy.
- OK.
Death to the infidels. We will triumph.
("SESAME STREET" THEME SONG)
No, you've taped "Sesame Street"
over Osama again!
It's Bin Laden's new terrortactification.
Living in a dustbin,
grouchy if asked to sing,
refusing to admit
the importance of the letter "C".
- It's shockerating.
- We're giving these tapes to the CIA.
They got Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie
interred at Camp X-Ray.
How else could we warn the Armenians
that the next attack won't be by Al-Qaeda
but by the Children's Television Workshop?
Hello, loves. God bless. Welcome
to "Thora's Nice History of Britain",
where we refuse to dwell
on the unpleasant side of life.
Last week, I told you
about lovely Henry VIII
and how he was married to the same woman
for 53 years and made doilies.
God bless his big fat face.
This is Edgehill in Warwickshire.
Some historians say that in November 1642,
a bloody battle - excuse my language -
occurred here,
with vicious fighting and many casualties.
Stuff and nonsense!
Let's go to the top of the hill
and find out what really happened.
In this re-enactment, we see
the Parliamentarians came from that side...
...and the Royalists came from that side.
They met here, at the top of the hill.
And then they had a nice picnic.
Good for keeping things fresh,
that Tupperware.
It's lovely, is that.
You've got a nice big thermos!
It was decided that
the Parliamentarians had won
because they had the best selection
of sandwiches, pastries,
and even the odd Chorley cake.
Next week, the so-called bubonic plague -
or a chesty cough, as I call it. God bless!
Do the fingertips with sandpaper
and chuck him in the river.
Speaking on behalf of Newsreaders in Need,
please, please stop making us dress
in leather mini-skirts
and mime out-of-date show tunes under
the pretext of being zany for charity.
It isn't zany, it's bollocks.
It's bad enough Andrew Marr looking a freak
all year, without us joining in.
G'day. Welcome to "Rolf on Art".
Today we're focusing on modern BritArt,
like Damien Hirst.
I've had a go
at a Damien Hirst creation myself.
What? This isn't "Rolf on Art"?
It's "Animal Hospital"?
Oh, dear.
Seems little Frisky was
too weak, too feeble,
and he didn't make it to the Tate Gallery.
Is that the builder's ?
I'm Maximus Decimus Meridius.
My home in St Albans
has been destroyed. Can you fix it?
I need to know how much.
Can you come tomorrow?
- They have told you our requirements?
- No.
- I was asked to come and see you.
- I see.
Some work needed doing
and to have a word with you and see...
- ..what the situation was.
- No communication from Quintus?
- Quintus is my ally.
- Right.
Fine soldier of the legion.
They were slaughtered.
Right.
What... What are your needs?
What do you require?
We need to fortify these walls.
They're not strong enough to repel invasion
from the Visigoths
or the Huns or the Barbarians.
We must be ready for invasion at any time.
And the triumphal arch, there isn't
any kind of triumphal arch there.
So we might put one in, I don't know.
Have you got drawings
as to how high you want them?
Any special openings or features?
I did have such drawings on slate
but they were stolen by Proximo and Grachus
in a place far away.
Er, secondly, it's best
if we can see in this corner here...
If we kneel down, you get a better view.
Kneel with me, brother.
Feel the earth between our hands.
Roll it together for good measure.
You are now my brother of the soil.
We shall see many glories here, many.
Our enemies will feel cursed they were
not here. Slice this through a man's flesh
and they will love you. What is your name?
- Mick.
Mick? I will call you Mickus.
Be victorious by the sword, Mickus.
You too shall win your freedom. Ow!
It's very hard to choose
my greatest Briton.
Should it be Mr Kipling,
Mr Sheen, or even Mr Muscle?
But in the end it had to be a dead heat
between Mr Marks and Mr Spencer.
They do make exceedingly good
foundation garments.
Welcome back. I'm Kirsty Wark,
soft, strong and very long.
After much speculation, a Tory leadership
challenger has made his bid.
Me!
I'm everything you'd expect
a Conservative Party leader to be.
Everybody hates me
and I'm very anti-European.
Here's Iain Duncan Smith. Are you
confident of seeing off Saddam's challenge?
I have to take this challenge
very seriously
because polls show Saddam to be
more popular than me.
It could be worse.
If Genghis Khan
or Hitler were still alive,
I'd be very worried.
It's very hard being the most unpopular man
in the world...after Richie Blackwood.
What do Tory MPs think?
Joining me is Ann Widdecombe.
I welcome Saddam's challenge.
He's a tyrant who's murdered his own people
and has weapons of mass destruction.
- But he's not gay or an asylum seeker.
- Does that worry you?
Not in the slightest.
I speak to you today
to answer the criticism
of one's involvement in
the trial of Paul Burrell.
I did not deliberately withhold
my vital testimony.
I am displeased to be characterised
as a closeted scatterbrain
who holds the answers to the great
unsolved questions without realising it.
Indeed, I made this exact point
to Lord Lucan only yesterday.
On the contrary, I keenly
follow current affairs.
I remember where I was
when President Kennedy was shot,
having a long discussion with Lee
Harvey Oswald in a Dallas book depository.
So I hope I shall now be left in peace
to fulfil my duties, care for my family,
and take rides on my horse, Shergar.
Good night.
Who is my greatest Briton? Tony Brittan,
who performed in "Robin's Nest".
This is "Late Review",
post-match analysis for toffs.
The latest Dr Seuss story
to make the big screen
is "The Cat in the Hat",
starring Mike Myers.
- Germaine Greer, what did you think?
- It was boring and predictable.
Does anyone really speak like that?
I went to the cinema and I hated it.
- Would you watch it on a train?
- I would not.
- Would you watch it on a plane?
- Not on a plane, not on a train.
I would not watch it here,
I would not watch it there.
I would not watch it anywhere.
- Tom Paulin?
- I wanted to enjoy it.
- But I didn't like it.
- You didn't like it?
- I did not, not one bit.
- Would you watch it in the hall?
Oh, not in the hall, not on a ball.
I did not like the film at all.
I'll turn to my last guest in the hope
of getting a more in-depth analysis.
I'm Mariella Frostrup.
On second thoughts, Tom...
I've said this before,
but I cannot stress enough
the importance of a
really good solid bottom.
Which is why I'm choosing Ainsley Harriot
as my greatest Briton.
Welcome to a new series of
"Yet Another History Programme".
I'm Dr Simon Schama. This week,
we look at the reign of Henry VIII,
the monarch who gambled his kingship,
upset the status quo
and sliced the Church in two.
In 1529, the King felt isolated.
Stuck with a woman who'd given him
no heirs, the marriage might split.
But he could restore balance
by making Anne Boleyn his queen.
The options had to be weighed.
Should he put his cards on the table
or should he "weight"?
Henry disliked Rome
and didn't want to build bridges.
Instead, he decided
to upset the equilibrium,
to have his cake and eat it too.
Ignoring the advice of Card...
...inal Wolsey,
Henry broke off ties with Rome,
established the Church of England
and began the dissolution
of the monasteries.
All hell broke loose.
Then Thomas More,
Hampton Court, et cetera. The end.
I'm back next week,
when I'll do the whole Renaissance
with nothing but a compass,
a pipe and a potato.
- Great news!
- I'm Dumbledore in the Larry Potter movie?
We haven't heard back
from Warner Bros yet. It's from the UN.
- Our weapons inspectors are going in.
- Why should I care?
We need a report before we invade Iraq.
We don't ! We're not invading Iraq,
we're invading Tierack.
- Look at the surveillance pictures.
- That's not "Tierack"!
It's Tie Rack, a British
store that sells ties.
That's just what they want you to think!
They also sell cuff links and underpants.
Is it coincidencification they lurk
in every airport and rail station?
Sir, if we invade Tie Rack,
you'll be a laughing stock.
I have a choice?
A happy day
at the Brightly Coloured Blobs' house.
That's Plinky, Flommit and Bobo.
Can you understand what they're saying?
No? We could if they stepped closer.
(BABBLE)
Right, it's a load of nonsense
that means nothing.
Selling this rubbish
to 50 countries isn't easy!
# We're just like the others at first sight
# But we don't infringe copyright
# Otherwise Auntie BBC's
# Arse would get sued by the Teletubbies #
Let's ask Bobo a question.
Bobo, are you a boy?
Bobo, are you a girl?
Are you asexual to make it easier
to sell this show to the Middle East?
Ooh, is that some merchandise
you're holding?
# If we fill the shops with this trash
# BBC bosses will get lots of cash
# Our sales targets won't be beaten
# They'll snort more coke
than Angus Deayton! #
We need to rebuild
some of these fortifications.
OK. Who did it originally?
I mean, it's been repointed.
It's been done to a very low standard.
I don't know who did it.
They may have been crucified for such work.
- You want reconstruction there?
- Note the specifications.
The gates. Er, beyond that the poplar tree.
On the slopes,
olives to the north, grapes to the east.
Round the edges,
soil as black as my wife's hair.
If you could just take down the frame
where they were burned and crucified.
It's a shame these walls have crumbled.
Being 2,000 years old, they're quite new.
Charlatans must have built them.
Was it your firm?
- No, we weren't around then.
- How could we improve these paths?
- Er, we could try decking them.
- Decking them?!
I don't know. I'll make a few notes
and get Kevin to come back.
Decking? I don't like the sound of decking.
What about Saxon paving?
Maybe I could do that.
- No, not Saxon paving.
- How about Roman?
The Saxons are evil scum to be wiped away.
In three weeks, I shall harvest my crops.
Imagine where you will be.
I'll get them to give you
a ring in a few days.
If you find yourself walking
in sunny green fields,
do not be troubled, for you are
in Elysium and you're already dead.
At 9.00 on ITV1 is someone
who used to be in "EastEnders"
on the hunt for a serial killer.
I haven't seen the schedules,
but it usually is.
Yeah, there is. Thought so.
If he makes trouble, cut something off
and send it to his wife.
Noel Gallagher refuses
to be on "This Is Your Life",
saying it would stir bitter
personal memories.
The split with Paul McCartney,
marital problems with Yoko,
and getting fatally shot
in 1980. Good night.
arrived on the ground in the Iraqi capital.
My good friend,
Bulgarian prime minister Lionel Blair,
says the search is being led by a man
trusted never to give up the hunt.
Welcome to "Weapons Hunt",
with me, David Dickinson,
Peter Stringfellow on a budget.
I'm in downtown Baghdad.
I've uncovered a stockpile
of potentially lethal chemicals.
That's just the 15 cans of hairspray
in my luggage! One for the ladies!
OK, let's see what we've got. A rusty bomb.
But know the hallmark. "1985.
Made in the UK." Surely a duffer.
But this is a bit special.
Some depleted plutonium
dating back 10 or 12 years,
maybe left behind by
a superpower in a rush.
Weapon hunters, this is
a real collectors' piece.
A nuclear bomb! Is it in
working order? Let's find out.
Oh, dear! Radiation's
been spread for miles around.
On the plus side, everyone
now has my lurid complexion.
What a bobby dazzler!
International diplomacy, cheap as chips.
It's true I've handed over
£3 billion to Colonel Gaddafi
so I'll have a place to
flee to after the war.
Why Libya? Because £3 billion
wouldn't be enough
to get me started
on the property ladder in Britain.
I had my heart set on a
maisonette in Surbiton.
On BBC One, a programme about
the New Labour drama "The Project",
following the story
of the handful of mysterious people
who bothered to watch it
all the way through. Now, "Newsnight".
I'm Kirsty Wark. (SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Those headlines again
with the consonants reinstated.
After the worst week in living memory
for the Royal family,
the Palace has released a statement
on Paul Burrell.
As with other Royal tragedies,
it's delivered by Sir Elton John.
(INTRO TO "CANDLE IN THE WIND")
# Goodbye, Paul Burrell
# You cried only as a true friend can
# Shedding tears for Princess Di
# As you loaded up the van
# And it seemed to me when you got off
# You should have shut your craw
# Then the papers
wouldn't be making you out
# To be camper than Barrymore
# You said Diana spoke in colour
# The Queen in black and white
# Which of course makes you the one
# Who speaks in fluent shite #
Take it or leave it, Prince Charles's
cuff links are 50 quid.
Prince Edward's nipple clamps are a fiver.
A nerve gas attack, scheduled for
London Underground, won't now happen.
The Al-Qaeda terrorists
involved are on strike.
They said, with the fire fighters' dispute,
it's too dangerous to work there.
They may be suicidal,
but they're not stupid.
This week on "Celebrity Fit Club", Ann
Widdecombe attempts to go the distance.
I've been getting a few
angry calls from my constituents,
saying they'd rather not see their MP
in a freak show full of nobodies.
But I've assured them
being in the Tory Party
doesn't interfere one bit
with my work at Celebrity Fit Club.
New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD
all Alan Rickman fans can treasure.
Alan Rickman plays
the token baddie in Hollywood films.
Who can forget his performance
in "Die Hard"?
I'll get you, John McClane!
Or his Sheriff of Nottingham?
I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood!
And his towering performance
in "Harry Potter".
I'll get you, Harry Potter!
Also includes Alan Rickman
confronting his agent
the moment it dawned on him he
was now hopelessly typecast.
I'll get you, you lousy agent!
Buy this
and get "Judi Dench Plays Every Woman
Over 40 In Every British Film" free!
Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch.
I'll get you, A.S. Byatt!
People think all Russell Crowe is about
is stealing other men's wives
and brawling at ceremonies. Nonsense.
I'm happy stealing men's fiancées
and street brawling.
The BBC's search to replace
Angus Deayton has run into trouble.
Everyone working in TV
is a coke-snorting sex maniac.
The last supposedly squeaky-clean favourite
has been outed as another hell-raiser.
When Pudsey was high,
he was wilder than Angus Deayton.
He got me in a three-in-a-bed romp
with my best friend, Slapper Handball.
The charitable do-gooder Pudsey
thought himself untouchable,
but it's emerged the reason
for the eye-patch
is because the drugs he
takes burst his stitches.
Anyone who worked with Pudsey has lurid
stories. One wished to remain anonymous.
What's that?!
You both snorted coke off Panda's tits?
The outlook for Pudsey is bleak - shunned
by colleagues, demonised in the tabloids
and forced to go on
"Tonight With Trevor MacDonald".
In "The Bung" the truth about Di
from nobodies with tenuous links with her.
This bloke sold her a newspaper.
How one simple sentence - "I think
you've given me the wrong change" -
revealed Diana's inner turmoil.
I was the only person she trusted.
Read it in the "Bung".
Read about the real Di,
from the bloke who waved a flag at her.
I was the only person she trusted.
Read my amazing story only in the "Bung".
Exclusive insights from a woman
who met her in a big house.
Yes, I met her once.
She was lovely. Not a jumped-up
anorexic trollop at all.
Read my story exclusively in the "Bung".
Can one have one's money now?
("PARKINSON" THEME MUSIC)
Cold sort of day, isn't it?
Very cold sort of day.
I suppose I should
start by asking
when you decided to sit
at a bus stop in this way?
- Why?
- It's a typical bus stop, I know,
but what was it about
this particular bus stop
that drew you to sit
here in this way?
Er, I don't know.
I don't know what you ask.
Just a certain bus stop charm, I suppose.
It attracts people.
Have you ever sat at a bus stop
that you felt wasn't right for you,
- and felt you had to move on quickly?
- That can happen.
Did that happen with Mohammed Ali,
Spike Milligan or Gene Kelly?
I've never met one of them.
I did, on many occasions,
and fine fellows th-th-th-they were.
If I can just go back a bit,
legend has it your first bus stop was shown
to you by your parents at an early age.
I wouldn't know.
I don't remember that time.
Sitting at a bus stop,
is it something you still enjoy?
There's a dustbin wagon
in the way for a moment.
We'll wait for that to go.
I'll go and help the man.
When was the first time
you wanted to be a refuse collector?
- I never did.
- You never did?
I mean, once you've thrown that rubbish
into the wagon, where does it go?
- What is the next stage?
- Brentford.
To Brentford tip.
Down a chute and crushed up.
It's loaded onto trays and taken to Oxford.
Have you collected rubbish for Mohammed
Ali, Gene Kelly or Spike Milligan?
- No!
- No?
You do a tremendous job.
This man's book,
"Collecting Garbage", is out very soon.
Thank you.
I warn you, Bush and Blair. Attack
the Iraqi people and we will strike back.
You think we don't have
sophisticated weaponry
capable of defeating the most
powerful superpower ever known?
Then you are right.
But hidden deep in an underground vault,
we have something far worse than nuclear
or chemical bombs that we can unleash.
My huge stockpile
of unfashionable 1970s moustaches!
If you thought being turned into chip fat
by a dirty bomb was scary,
try life looking like a cross between me,
Robert Winston and Jeremy Bowen!
Not pretty!
I'm Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC.
Not a lot of people know that.
"Muffin the Mule"?
I'd bring it back, but film it underwater.
ITV have nicked the rights
for "Miss Marple" from my BBC.
So I am getting even. I'll read every
Miss Marple book and tell you whodunit.
"Murder in the Vicarage"
- that poncy artist.
"The Moving Finger" - the policeman.
"4.50 from Paddington" - Dr Quimper.
"Murder Is Announced"
- it was the kangaroo.
Didn't see that coming, did you?
Job done.
("STARS AND STRIPES" PLAYS)
The boys in Intelligence
say it's a good idea.
I've learned not to rely on intelligence.
Why should I see another Bin Laden tape?
He never sings nothing by S Club Juniors.
- It may help us to understand our enemy.
- OK.
Death to the infidels. We will triumph.
("SESAME STREET" THEME SONG)
No, you've taped "Sesame Street"
over Osama again!
It's Bin Laden's new terrortactification.
Living in a dustbin,
grouchy if asked to sing,
refusing to admit
the importance of the letter "C".
- It's shockerating.
- We're giving these tapes to the CIA.
They got Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie
interred at Camp X-Ray.
How else could we warn the Armenians
that the next attack won't be by Al-Qaeda
but by the Children's Television Workshop?
Hello, loves. God bless. Welcome
to "Thora's Nice History of Britain",
where we refuse to dwell
on the unpleasant side of life.
Last week, I told you
about lovely Henry VIII
and how he was married to the same woman
for 53 years and made doilies.
God bless his big fat face.
This is Edgehill in Warwickshire.
Some historians say that in November 1642,
a bloody battle - excuse my language -
occurred here,
with vicious fighting and many casualties.
Stuff and nonsense!
Let's go to the top of the hill
and find out what really happened.
In this re-enactment, we see
the Parliamentarians came from that side...
...and the Royalists came from that side.
They met here, at the top of the hill.
And then they had a nice picnic.
Good for keeping things fresh,
that Tupperware.
It's lovely, is that.
You've got a nice big thermos!
It was decided that
the Parliamentarians had won
because they had the best selection
of sandwiches, pastries,
and even the odd Chorley cake.
Next week, the so-called bubonic plague -
or a chesty cough, as I call it. God bless!
Do the fingertips with sandpaper
and chuck him in the river.
Speaking on behalf of Newsreaders in Need,
please, please stop making us dress
in leather mini-skirts
and mime out-of-date show tunes under
the pretext of being zany for charity.
It isn't zany, it's bollocks.
It's bad enough Andrew Marr looking a freak
all year, without us joining in.
G'day. Welcome to "Rolf on Art".
Today we're focusing on modern BritArt,
like Damien Hirst.
I've had a go
at a Damien Hirst creation myself.
What? This isn't "Rolf on Art"?
It's "Animal Hospital"?
Oh, dear.
Seems little Frisky was
too weak, too feeble,
and he didn't make it to the Tate Gallery.
Is that the builder's ?
I'm Maximus Decimus Meridius.
My home in St Albans
has been destroyed. Can you fix it?
I need to know how much.
Can you come tomorrow?
- They have told you our requirements?
- No.
- I was asked to come and see you.
- I see.
Some work needed doing
and to have a word with you and see...
- ..what the situation was.
- No communication from Quintus?
- Quintus is my ally.
- Right.
Fine soldier of the legion.
They were slaughtered.
Right.
What... What are your needs?
What do you require?
We need to fortify these walls.
They're not strong enough to repel invasion
from the Visigoths
or the Huns or the Barbarians.
We must be ready for invasion at any time.
And the triumphal arch, there isn't
any kind of triumphal arch there.
So we might put one in, I don't know.
Have you got drawings
as to how high you want them?
Any special openings or features?
I did have such drawings on slate
but they were stolen by Proximo and Grachus
in a place far away.
Er, secondly, it's best
if we can see in this corner here...
If we kneel down, you get a better view.
Kneel with me, brother.
Feel the earth between our hands.
Roll it together for good measure.
You are now my brother of the soil.
We shall see many glories here, many.
Our enemies will feel cursed they were
not here. Slice this through a man's flesh
and they will love you. What is your name?
- Mick.
Mick? I will call you Mickus.
Be victorious by the sword, Mickus.
You too shall win your freedom. Ow!
It's very hard to choose
my greatest Briton.
Should it be Mr Kipling,
Mr Sheen, or even Mr Muscle?
But in the end it had to be a dead heat
between Mr Marks and Mr Spencer.
They do make exceedingly good
foundation garments.
Welcome back. I'm Kirsty Wark,
soft, strong and very long.
After much speculation, a Tory leadership
challenger has made his bid.
Me!
I'm everything you'd expect
a Conservative Party leader to be.
Everybody hates me
and I'm very anti-European.
Here's Iain Duncan Smith. Are you
confident of seeing off Saddam's challenge?
I have to take this challenge
very seriously
because polls show Saddam to be
more popular than me.
It could be worse.
If Genghis Khan
or Hitler were still alive,
I'd be very worried.
It's very hard being the most unpopular man
in the world...after Richie Blackwood.
What do Tory MPs think?
Joining me is Ann Widdecombe.
I welcome Saddam's challenge.
He's a tyrant who's murdered his own people
and has weapons of mass destruction.
- But he's not gay or an asylum seeker.
- Does that worry you?
Not in the slightest.
I speak to you today
to answer the criticism
of one's involvement in
the trial of Paul Burrell.
I did not deliberately withhold
my vital testimony.
I am displeased to be characterised
as a closeted scatterbrain
who holds the answers to the great
unsolved questions without realising it.
Indeed, I made this exact point
to Lord Lucan only yesterday.
On the contrary, I keenly
follow current affairs.
I remember where I was
when President Kennedy was shot,
having a long discussion with Lee
Harvey Oswald in a Dallas book depository.
So I hope I shall now be left in peace
to fulfil my duties, care for my family,
and take rides on my horse, Shergar.
Good night.
Who is my greatest Briton? Tony Brittan,
who performed in "Robin's Nest".
This is "Late Review",
post-match analysis for toffs.
The latest Dr Seuss story
to make the big screen
is "The Cat in the Hat",
starring Mike Myers.
- Germaine Greer, what did you think?
- It was boring and predictable.
Does anyone really speak like that?
I went to the cinema and I hated it.
- Would you watch it on a train?
- I would not.
- Would you watch it on a plane?
- Not on a plane, not on a train.
I would not watch it here,
I would not watch it there.
I would not watch it anywhere.
- Tom Paulin?
- I wanted to enjoy it.
- But I didn't like it.
- You didn't like it?
- I did not, not one bit.
- Would you watch it in the hall?
Oh, not in the hall, not on a ball.
I did not like the film at all.
I'll turn to my last guest in the hope
of getting a more in-depth analysis.
I'm Mariella Frostrup.
On second thoughts, Tom...
I've said this before,
but I cannot stress enough
the importance of a
really good solid bottom.
Which is why I'm choosing Ainsley Harriot
as my greatest Briton.
Welcome to a new series of
"Yet Another History Programme".
I'm Dr Simon Schama. This week,
we look at the reign of Henry VIII,
the monarch who gambled his kingship,
upset the status quo
and sliced the Church in two.
In 1529, the King felt isolated.
Stuck with a woman who'd given him
no heirs, the marriage might split.
But he could restore balance
by making Anne Boleyn his queen.
The options had to be weighed.
Should he put his cards on the table
or should he "weight"?
Henry disliked Rome
and didn't want to build bridges.
Instead, he decided
to upset the equilibrium,
to have his cake and eat it too.
Ignoring the advice of Card...
...inal Wolsey,
Henry broke off ties with Rome,
established the Church of England
and began the dissolution
of the monasteries.
All hell broke loose.
Then Thomas More,
Hampton Court, et cetera. The end.
I'm back next week,
when I'll do the whole Renaissance
with nothing but a compass,
a pipe and a potato.
- Great news!
- I'm Dumbledore in the Larry Potter movie?
We haven't heard back
from Warner Bros yet. It's from the UN.
- Our weapons inspectors are going in.
- Why should I care?
We need a report before we invade Iraq.
We don't ! We're not invading Iraq,
we're invading Tierack.
- Look at the surveillance pictures.
- That's not "Tierack"!
It's Tie Rack, a British
store that sells ties.
That's just what they want you to think!
They also sell cuff links and underpants.
Is it coincidencification they lurk
in every airport and rail station?
Sir, if we invade Tie Rack,
you'll be a laughing stock.
I have a choice?
A happy day
at the Brightly Coloured Blobs' house.
That's Plinky, Flommit and Bobo.
Can you understand what they're saying?
No? We could if they stepped closer.
(BABBLE)
Right, it's a load of nonsense
that means nothing.
Selling this rubbish
to 50 countries isn't easy!
# We're just like the others at first sight
# But we don't infringe copyright
# Otherwise Auntie BBC's
# Arse would get sued by the Teletubbies #
Let's ask Bobo a question.
Bobo, are you a boy?
Bobo, are you a girl?
Are you asexual to make it easier
to sell this show to the Middle East?
Ooh, is that some merchandise
you're holding?
# If we fill the shops with this trash
# BBC bosses will get lots of cash
# Our sales targets won't be beaten
# They'll snort more coke
than Angus Deayton! #
We need to rebuild
some of these fortifications.
OK. Who did it originally?
I mean, it's been repointed.
It's been done to a very low standard.
I don't know who did it.
They may have been crucified for such work.
- You want reconstruction there?
- Note the specifications.
The gates. Er, beyond that the poplar tree.
On the slopes,
olives to the north, grapes to the east.
Round the edges,
soil as black as my wife's hair.
If you could just take down the frame
where they were burned and crucified.
It's a shame these walls have crumbled.
Being 2,000 years old, they're quite new.
Charlatans must have built them.
Was it your firm?
- No, we weren't around then.
- How could we improve these paths?
- Er, we could try decking them.
- Decking them?!
I don't know. I'll make a few notes
and get Kevin to come back.
Decking? I don't like the sound of decking.
What about Saxon paving?
Maybe I could do that.
- No, not Saxon paving.
- How about Roman?
The Saxons are evil scum to be wiped away.
In three weeks, I shall harvest my crops.
Imagine where you will be.
I'll get them to give you
a ring in a few days.
If you find yourself walking
in sunny green fields,
do not be troubled, for you are
in Elysium and you're already dead.
At 9.00 on ITV1 is someone
who used to be in "EastEnders"
on the hunt for a serial killer.
I haven't seen the schedules,
but it usually is.
Yeah, there is. Thought so.
If he makes trouble, cut something off
and send it to his wife.
Noel Gallagher refuses
to be on "This Is Your Life",
saying it would stir bitter
personal memories.
The split with Paul McCartney,
marital problems with Yoko,
and getting fatally shot
in 1980. Good night.