Dead Ringers (2002–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
It's no use crying, Charlotte.
You owe me a grand. Get on the plane
and pick up the shipment!
There's a good girl!
The Government has appointed
the next Governor of the Bank of England.
They say he can exercise
a tight fiscal policy.
Yes, it's me, David Dickinson.
Ho, ho. I'll be giving Gordon Brown
and his red team £20 billion to spend.
I suspect, like my usual bargain hunters,
he'll waste it on worthless tat,
crumbling schools, decrepit hospitals
and the bill for Robin Cook's face-off op.
Hmm... Could well be a duffer.
One love for the city streets, one love for
the hip-hop beats, one love is all we need.
More on that later.
The Government is destabilising the economy
by planning to borrow £20 billion.
I'm joined by the Prime
Minister, Tony Blair.
Nothing is further from the truth.
Empty-pockets hand gesture.
Newspapers-in-shoes forehead.
Buy-the-"Big Issue" face.
Mr Blair, isn't this just dodgy economics?
Not at all. The loan is completely sound,
as Bullet-tooth Tony
and Bonecrusher Billy will confirm.
I was watching TV at 2 a.m.
and saw their advert.
If I can't trust an ad with Jim Davidson in
a car showroom being showered with money,
who can I trust?
But why have you put the country in hock
to Direct Credit Finance International
rather than the Bank of England?
You don't get a free pen
from the Bank of England!
- Were there strings attached to the loan?
- Just a 20% daily interest charge,
and a member of the Cabinet as collateral.
Clare Short, are you happy about it?
Actually, Kirsty, I'm not
being treated too badly.
They keep trying to force
a grimy hankie into my mouth
to stop my plaintive cries,
but my jaws are already so firmly clenched,
they haven't been able to manage it.
How does it feel to be used as collateral?
I'm not. This is my office in Westminster.
It's been like this
since I mouthed off about the war.
John Prescott is the collateral.
They've made it clear,
if we miss a payment,
they'll chop off
one of his rambling
sentences and post it to me.
I'm Judi Dench. I want to tell you
about a group of people suffering torture
and being made to do work
for which they are unfit.
Give £2 a month and you can help
England cricketers like this
find more dignified employment
as a sewer attendant or a clown.
Please help stop this cruelty
by calling now
or by punching that smug Aussie
Shane Warne in his fat face.
G'day. This is "Dangerous Animals".
I'm Steve Irwin, a cross between
David Attenborough and a cheeseburger.
I've tackled man-eating crocs
and deadly snakes,
but today is my most dangerous adventure.
Yeah, I'm gonna buy
a bag of grapes from Tesco's !
Wooh! Danger, danger, danger!
Don't get too close.
But there's something
even more grisly in Tesco's .
Jane Horrocks and Prunella Scales!
That advert will stun you into a coma
quicker than being bitten by a cobra.
Danger!
- Morning.
- Ah, Professor Ryan.
This body was brought in an hour ago.
I can tell from glancing this is a woman.
35 years old. She was
probably called Amy or Sarah.
Worked in a shoe shop.
Preferred "Friends" to "Coupling".
The poor girl was murdered by an evil
psychopath with red hair and a mole.
Er, actually, the police found
this wallet with the body.
His name's Simon Jones.
He's a 28-year-old company director.
He died in a road accident.
So you were completely wrong.
Wrong? Oh, no, I'm never wrong.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan
and I'm always right.
I'm righter than Mr Byrite.
Look at the smile,
the glimmering smile
that reveals the truth.
- Concentrate on the smile.
- But he's got a beard!
The glimmering smile.
Now you've put it in glimmering smile
form, I see you're right (!)
Simon Jones was a young, single woman
who was stabbed to death
by a psychopathic loner.
Her husband's waiting outside
in a blouse and skirt.
Do you want to break the news?
No, you do it. I'm going to stay here,
find my most flattering camera angle,
and stare mournfully into the distance
until the credits roll.
Listen, I want those extra Clubcard points!
Next time, it'll be more
than spiders in your grapes!
The lowest-paid NHS nurses have been
offered a 12% pay rise by the Government,
with even more cash for those willing
to learn new skills...like fire fighting.
G'day. Welcome to a new series
of "Rolf on Art".
A lot of nonsense is talked about art,
so I thought I'd have a go myself!
Today we're looking at Pablo Picasso's most
famous painting, "The Woman in a Hat".
As you can see, she's in a bad way.
But she'll be in safe hands
with Trude Mostue and the other vets.
They're not sure how
she got both eyes on the same side,
but they think she may well have been
run over by a drunken swagman.
Let's hope she can make
it through the night.
Gordon's her owner. I'm sure you can't put
a price on what she means to you.
I can. £3 million is what I paid for her.
Imagine what she's worth
now we've patched her up!
You antipodean Philistine!
- I'll let you know how I get on.
- You bastard!
That "Woman in a Hat"
doesn't seem so weird.
Guess which side of my face my nose is on!
("DOCTOR WHO" THEME)
I need some garments
for a female associate.
- Something casual or dressy?
- Casual.
With a zip. That might be difficult
to get on. She's a little large.
This one came in today. That's new.
- It might work.
- These are warmer. They can be undone.
Are they all right for cold-blooded beings?
- I should think so.
- Good.
- What is this made of?
- It's cotton.
She has very sensitive skin.
It has to be kept moist or else it sheds.
- That would be all right?
- Yeah.
I'll bring my friend in.
Keep these to one side.
- That's very helpful.
- No problem
I'll be back. I don't have much time.
Welcome to my
interminable cookery programme.
Today, I'm doing chicken.
Firstly, you need a chicken.
Cut!
- Delia, do you remember our chat?
- Yes.
You said cookery had come on
since I started in the 18th century.
- We're doing something more dangerous.
- Yes. Cranberries?
- We talked about a gimmick.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Nigella has the sexy thing,
Jamie Oliver has the being a git thing...
- I'll try sexy.
- Great! Raunchy.
Make that chicken sexy.
This week, we're doing chicken.
It's got a bra and panties.
Phwoa!
How was that?
Welcome to " 999",
"You've Been Framed" with first aid.
Tonight, an accident
which could have been avoided.
It happened in this TV studio.
Welcome to "Fame Academy"!
I'm Patrick Kielty.
I'm Irish, with spiky hair,
so in theory I should be as lovable as
Graham Norton. So much for theories!
I'm Cat Deeley, the top hot totty.
Later, there's tears and disappointment
when my agent tells me that SITA UK
won't have me back after this carnage.
We have 12 contestants,
three judges, two viewers.
The BBC tried to ape "Pop Idol",
but the entire nation realised
it needed another "pop star"
like Rik Waller needs second helpings.
This man witnessed it.
I was at home one Friday night, minding
me own business, when it came on the telly.
I had to do something quickly
or else I'd have to watch it.
Sensibly, Johnny didn't panic. He tried
to change channels. But disaster struck.
The remote control was across the room
and he couldn't be arsed standing up.
So he dialled 999, but he'd mistakenly
got the "Fame Academy" hotline.
So I tried kicking out the
talentless rubbish one
but it can't have worked,
'cause the next week,
Patrick Kielty was still hosting the show!
Next week, another man-made disaster,
Ulrika Jonsson's "Mr Right".
Could it have been avoided? Good night.
I'm Kirsty Wark. I never get first grade,
don't support the team,
can't change direction
and my socks are never clean.
More on that later.
It's been revealed
parts of "The Osbornes" are faked.
We're joined by coke-addled
Nana Mouskouri lookalike, Ozzy Osbourne.
Eh?
It's true, Kirsty, we faked
a lot of stuff over the years.
That picture of Big Foot, that was me,
pissed, at half six in the (BLEEP) morning.
The Loch Ness monster
was Kelly having a swim.
In 1969, Robert Kennedy's
on the (BLEEP) phone
about the Russians winning the space race,
so we agreed to fake the moon landings.
Jack, stop waving that (BLEEP) flag!
They haven't got wind on the (BLEEP) moon!
If you look closely,
you can tell it was fake
because the shadows on the rocks
are the wrong way round.
I thought this was the Sea of Tranquillity.
Houston, we have a problem.
Me family are (BLEEP) nuts!
- Ozzy, can we keep him?
- Sharon, no more (BLEEP) strays!
I'm not having that thing
pissing and shitting
and exhaling ammonia
in the living room!
Take in one alien
and we'll be invaded from (BLEEP) Mars!
The chances of me adopting anything
from Mars are tiny!
Maybe, but still they (BLEEP) come!
Did you slow the footage
to simulate weightlessness?
No, I was just still pissed!
Ozzy Osbourne, "News at Ten", hammered.
So, this way, after your long hibernation.
Across here... Come on, now.
Sheba, I picked out this one for you.
No, this one.
- Shall I get it for you?
- Yes, in a 16.
This is the biggest we've got. They're big.
Those would be good. Would you like those?
It will help you blend in, don't you think?
Now, this is fine for
sensitive skin, isn't it?
- Yes.
- What about scaly reptilian skin?
I'm guessing it will probably be fine.
- Can we try them?
- Of course!
Good.
- Which capsule?
- Any one.
Have this one. No, the curtain
is malfunctioning. Go in there.
Try them on. We'll rehabilitate you
back into Earth.
- She's very good.
- Not our usual customer!
Normally they smell much worse.
- Not your normal customer?
- No.
Do you normally get Ice Warriors?
- Come in.
- Down the end.
Don't go in that one.
There's a reptile in it.
How are you getting on?
She's having a problem with her scales.
OK.
- A skirt would be much easier to put on.
- Yes.
- Can you fetch a skirt?
- No problem.
- Fetch a skirt.
- Oh, my God!
Right, put it down.
Take a look. What do you think?
That's quite good. I think the pink
helps to soften the scaly skin.
- We'll take those.
- Yeah?
- Thank you, my dear.
- No problem.
You're so kind. Would you travel with me?
Let's go to Florana.
The pre-Budget report
is the talk of Westminster,
but that's no use because "Question Time"
is coming from some godforsaken place.
The audience will
be in green wellies
and the guests are a Lib-Dem
you've never heard of,
a rent-a-quote right-winger like Peter
Hitchens and, worst of all, Jim Davidson.
Expect shouting a-plenty
about fiscal policy
from an audience as freakish
as Gordon Brown himself,
and embarrassing moments as I guess
whether the questioner is a man or a woman.
I can't wait to get back to London.
As it's a cold winter,
someone famous is bound to die soon
and I do love hosting a good funeral.
Michael?
This was brought in an
hour ago, still warm.
Just from glancing,
I know this was a 43-year-old male
who lived alone
in a three-bedroom semi in Surrey.
Holidayed in France,
had a terrier called Snowflake
and was killed by two shots
to the back of the head.
No, you're wrong. It's your lunch.
It's a toasted bagel
with chicken, avocado and sweetcorn.
Oh, the humanity!
I'm Mark Lawson, Britain's brainiest
potato. This is "Late Review".
Desperate to revive his career, Arnie
Schwarzenegger returns to our screens.
Arnie liked the script
because of its exploration of themes
such as loss and betrayal.
Here's a clip from it.
- There's no escape!
- Don't worry, Token Black Buddy,
you might not make it to the final cut,
but I will be victorious.
- The coast is clear.
- Don't count on it, muscle-bound hero!
You thought I was busy filming more
"Lord of the Rings", but you're wrong.
I am here, Ian McKellen, aka Dr Death!
Oh, no!
You are so evil and calculating,
as only a classically-trained
British actor can be.
- You are my nemesis.
- Don't be so sure about that!
It's Alan Rickman,
my sworn enemy at every audition!
This is my worst nightmare.
I've double-booked my
token British bad guys!
This cardboard cut-out baddy role is mine.
Steven Berkoff's washing his hair,
Anthony Hopkins is sick,
Christopher Lee's on holiday and Kenneth
Branagh wasn't told where the audition was.
You can't thwart me, McKellen.
I'll get your super-villain role.
Not when there's some eye-rolling to do!
You'll never get my bad guy role,
not while I have my miniature cannon!
That's too bad. You're about
to be blown to smithereens
by my futuristic cannon/laser device!
I need a Token British Baddy
to save the world from!
"In case of Token British Bad Guys
killing each other, break glass."
Hello! I'm Brian Blessed!
My name is Greg Dyke,
Director General of the BBC.
Yes, that was me on Parky on Saturday.
Remake "Playschool"? No, Humpty Dumpty.
No one falls off a wall unless I push him.
People say to me,
"Why are BBC game shows aggressive?"
Then they say, "Ow! Why did you hit me?"
Then they say, "Please don't kick me!"
Then they say, "Call the police!
He's out of his mind!"
I say, "I don't know why
BBC game shows are aggressive,
"but if you don't stop bleeding
over my Gucci loafers, I'll get angry,
"and you don't want to see me angry!"
Oi, Yentob, isn't one of those
banana Frijees for me?
Right, Delia, act as normal.
We'll sexy you up a bit with the camera.
- Very well.
- And action!
Go away! I'm trying to cook!
- Make love to the camera, Delia!
- I rarely make love to my husband.
- Do something sexy...
- I shall not love the eggs.
- Go away!
- Sexy sells! Shift more books.
For goodness' sake. All right, then.
- How's that?
- Well, it's a start.
I feel like a whore.
Seriously, Ma'am, a CBE will do fine.
After all, it was only
one lousy florist shop!
Organisers of the concert to remember
George Harrison say it was such a success
they're planning another one
to remember who Ringo Starr was.
Please welcome Brian!
Thank you.
If one was to ask the question,
"Name one of the great composers"...
...undoubtedly one would hear names
such as Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Beethoven
in the replies.
But there are a number
of forgotten composers.
One of these lived
in the early part of the 16th century.
He was a deeply spiritual and
religious man, a Benedictine monk.
One of his works in particular
was written in the early 16th century.
It's a little-known piece,
but it may sound a little bit like this.
(UPBEAT FUNKY REGGAE)
(MUSIC STOPS)
For which the archdeacon was best known.
- What is your name?
- Pauline.
What have you learnt
from what we have demonstrated tonight?
This is not for your entertainment!
- What have you learnt?
- That we can all make fools of ourselves!
Er, thank you for being here
this evening for me.
The pleasure has been moderate,
but I thank you for that nevertheless.
Mama, I never meant to hurt you,
but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet.
More on that later.
David Beckham is denying
baseless rumours from the internet.
I'm joined by England manager,
Sven Goran Ericsson.
- Hello.
- First, Mr Ericsson,
you'll confirm that the
rumours are baseless?
Yes, they are really not accurate words.
Words of any sort are merely flimsy chaff,
cast into the tempest of this life.
Why do rumours get attached to Beckham?
I don't know. It is foolish.
I have many rumours about me.
So there is a rumour
that I am cool and unemotional.
In the bedroom I'm a randy son of a bitch.
See some skirt and I'm up it
like a rat up a drainpipe.
Well, that's a discussion for another time.
Will Beckham have to withdraw from public?
No, it is his way. He adores publicity
like a dung beetle craves faeces.
For me the press is ridiculous.
They are like flies around
the bloated rump of football management.
Sometimes I should prefer to live
atop a tall pillar in the Kalahari Desert,
wearing a loincloth and
eating cereal and wasps.
Wail, people of Babylon, wail.
Mr Ericsson, thank you.
And I thought Andrew Marr was weird!
Later on BBC Four,
a change to our scheduled film.
In place of Renoir's classic,
"Le Déjeuner sur L'herbe",
we'll screen "Porkies 5,
Horny Babes in Bikinis".
No, we won't!
I had to wake you up somehow!
Time for bed. See you tomorrow.
US comedies always attract British actors.
Now it's the turn of drama
to pull UK talent.
Here's a clip from "Sex and the City".
This is a fantastic first date.
I'll freshen up.
You stay hot. I've got plans for later.
I'll be right here, baby!
- I think I'm on for tonight!
- Hello, love.
- Is it that well-hung young stud?
- Yes, Thora.
He gave Gloria Hunniford
a multiple orgasm using only his tongue!
He went at her like a
bulldog eating porridge!
- Are you wearing your Gucci corselet?
- And peekaboo Prada support hose.
If he's as horny as that lawyer you pulled,
I shan't be able to walk for a fortnight!
I'm seeing him tonight
for a debriefing in the shower.
- He's got buns like rock cakes!
- He's coming back.
- Are we ready to go?
- I can't wait, you sexy beast!
There's a bring-and-buy sale.
We could get some bargains.
Oh. Well maybe you can
flick me off on the way.
This is ITV1.
Move along, nothing to see here.
I don't know how she got out of the jungle.
Just find her and finish the job!
A plastic surgeon says techniques to do
face transplants are already in place.
He says he can graft
one person's face onto another.
There are fears that people
will change their faces willy-nilly.
The first person to do so
is me, Michael Buerk,
aka the Prince of Darkness.
I wanted to look less freaky for a change.
You owe me a grand. Get on the plane
and pick up the shipment!
There's a good girl!
The Government has appointed
the next Governor of the Bank of England.
They say he can exercise
a tight fiscal policy.
Yes, it's me, David Dickinson.
Ho, ho. I'll be giving Gordon Brown
and his red team £20 billion to spend.
I suspect, like my usual bargain hunters,
he'll waste it on worthless tat,
crumbling schools, decrepit hospitals
and the bill for Robin Cook's face-off op.
Hmm... Could well be a duffer.
One love for the city streets, one love for
the hip-hop beats, one love is all we need.
More on that later.
The Government is destabilising the economy
by planning to borrow £20 billion.
I'm joined by the Prime
Minister, Tony Blair.
Nothing is further from the truth.
Empty-pockets hand gesture.
Newspapers-in-shoes forehead.
Buy-the-"Big Issue" face.
Mr Blair, isn't this just dodgy economics?
Not at all. The loan is completely sound,
as Bullet-tooth Tony
and Bonecrusher Billy will confirm.
I was watching TV at 2 a.m.
and saw their advert.
If I can't trust an ad with Jim Davidson in
a car showroom being showered with money,
who can I trust?
But why have you put the country in hock
to Direct Credit Finance International
rather than the Bank of England?
You don't get a free pen
from the Bank of England!
- Were there strings attached to the loan?
- Just a 20% daily interest charge,
and a member of the Cabinet as collateral.
Clare Short, are you happy about it?
Actually, Kirsty, I'm not
being treated too badly.
They keep trying to force
a grimy hankie into my mouth
to stop my plaintive cries,
but my jaws are already so firmly clenched,
they haven't been able to manage it.
How does it feel to be used as collateral?
I'm not. This is my office in Westminster.
It's been like this
since I mouthed off about the war.
John Prescott is the collateral.
They've made it clear,
if we miss a payment,
they'll chop off
one of his rambling
sentences and post it to me.
I'm Judi Dench. I want to tell you
about a group of people suffering torture
and being made to do work
for which they are unfit.
Give £2 a month and you can help
England cricketers like this
find more dignified employment
as a sewer attendant or a clown.
Please help stop this cruelty
by calling now
or by punching that smug Aussie
Shane Warne in his fat face.
G'day. This is "Dangerous Animals".
I'm Steve Irwin, a cross between
David Attenborough and a cheeseburger.
I've tackled man-eating crocs
and deadly snakes,
but today is my most dangerous adventure.
Yeah, I'm gonna buy
a bag of grapes from Tesco's !
Wooh! Danger, danger, danger!
Don't get too close.
But there's something
even more grisly in Tesco's .
Jane Horrocks and Prunella Scales!
That advert will stun you into a coma
quicker than being bitten by a cobra.
Danger!
- Morning.
- Ah, Professor Ryan.
This body was brought in an hour ago.
I can tell from glancing this is a woman.
35 years old. She was
probably called Amy or Sarah.
Worked in a shoe shop.
Preferred "Friends" to "Coupling".
The poor girl was murdered by an evil
psychopath with red hair and a mole.
Er, actually, the police found
this wallet with the body.
His name's Simon Jones.
He's a 28-year-old company director.
He died in a road accident.
So you were completely wrong.
Wrong? Oh, no, I'm never wrong.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan
and I'm always right.
I'm righter than Mr Byrite.
Look at the smile,
the glimmering smile
that reveals the truth.
- Concentrate on the smile.
- But he's got a beard!
The glimmering smile.
Now you've put it in glimmering smile
form, I see you're right (!)
Simon Jones was a young, single woman
who was stabbed to death
by a psychopathic loner.
Her husband's waiting outside
in a blouse and skirt.
Do you want to break the news?
No, you do it. I'm going to stay here,
find my most flattering camera angle,
and stare mournfully into the distance
until the credits roll.
Listen, I want those extra Clubcard points!
Next time, it'll be more
than spiders in your grapes!
The lowest-paid NHS nurses have been
offered a 12% pay rise by the Government,
with even more cash for those willing
to learn new skills...like fire fighting.
G'day. Welcome to a new series
of "Rolf on Art".
A lot of nonsense is talked about art,
so I thought I'd have a go myself!
Today we're looking at Pablo Picasso's most
famous painting, "The Woman in a Hat".
As you can see, she's in a bad way.
But she'll be in safe hands
with Trude Mostue and the other vets.
They're not sure how
she got both eyes on the same side,
but they think she may well have been
run over by a drunken swagman.
Let's hope she can make
it through the night.
Gordon's her owner. I'm sure you can't put
a price on what she means to you.
I can. £3 million is what I paid for her.
Imagine what she's worth
now we've patched her up!
You antipodean Philistine!
- I'll let you know how I get on.
- You bastard!
That "Woman in a Hat"
doesn't seem so weird.
Guess which side of my face my nose is on!
("DOCTOR WHO" THEME)
I need some garments
for a female associate.
- Something casual or dressy?
- Casual.
With a zip. That might be difficult
to get on. She's a little large.
This one came in today. That's new.
- It might work.
- These are warmer. They can be undone.
Are they all right for cold-blooded beings?
- I should think so.
- Good.
- What is this made of?
- It's cotton.
She has very sensitive skin.
It has to be kept moist or else it sheds.
- That would be all right?
- Yeah.
I'll bring my friend in.
Keep these to one side.
- That's very helpful.
- No problem
I'll be back. I don't have much time.
Welcome to my
interminable cookery programme.
Today, I'm doing chicken.
Firstly, you need a chicken.
Cut!
- Delia, do you remember our chat?
- Yes.
You said cookery had come on
since I started in the 18th century.
- We're doing something more dangerous.
- Yes. Cranberries?
- We talked about a gimmick.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Nigella has the sexy thing,
Jamie Oliver has the being a git thing...
- I'll try sexy.
- Great! Raunchy.
Make that chicken sexy.
This week, we're doing chicken.
It's got a bra and panties.
Phwoa!
How was that?
Welcome to " 999",
"You've Been Framed" with first aid.
Tonight, an accident
which could have been avoided.
It happened in this TV studio.
Welcome to "Fame Academy"!
I'm Patrick Kielty.
I'm Irish, with spiky hair,
so in theory I should be as lovable as
Graham Norton. So much for theories!
I'm Cat Deeley, the top hot totty.
Later, there's tears and disappointment
when my agent tells me that SITA UK
won't have me back after this carnage.
We have 12 contestants,
three judges, two viewers.
The BBC tried to ape "Pop Idol",
but the entire nation realised
it needed another "pop star"
like Rik Waller needs second helpings.
This man witnessed it.
I was at home one Friday night, minding
me own business, when it came on the telly.
I had to do something quickly
or else I'd have to watch it.
Sensibly, Johnny didn't panic. He tried
to change channels. But disaster struck.
The remote control was across the room
and he couldn't be arsed standing up.
So he dialled 999, but he'd mistakenly
got the "Fame Academy" hotline.
So I tried kicking out the
talentless rubbish one
but it can't have worked,
'cause the next week,
Patrick Kielty was still hosting the show!
Next week, another man-made disaster,
Ulrika Jonsson's "Mr Right".
Could it have been avoided? Good night.
I'm Kirsty Wark. I never get first grade,
don't support the team,
can't change direction
and my socks are never clean.
More on that later.
It's been revealed
parts of "The Osbornes" are faked.
We're joined by coke-addled
Nana Mouskouri lookalike, Ozzy Osbourne.
Eh?
It's true, Kirsty, we faked
a lot of stuff over the years.
That picture of Big Foot, that was me,
pissed, at half six in the (BLEEP) morning.
The Loch Ness monster
was Kelly having a swim.
In 1969, Robert Kennedy's
on the (BLEEP) phone
about the Russians winning the space race,
so we agreed to fake the moon landings.
Jack, stop waving that (BLEEP) flag!
They haven't got wind on the (BLEEP) moon!
If you look closely,
you can tell it was fake
because the shadows on the rocks
are the wrong way round.
I thought this was the Sea of Tranquillity.
Houston, we have a problem.
Me family are (BLEEP) nuts!
- Ozzy, can we keep him?
- Sharon, no more (BLEEP) strays!
I'm not having that thing
pissing and shitting
and exhaling ammonia
in the living room!
Take in one alien
and we'll be invaded from (BLEEP) Mars!
The chances of me adopting anything
from Mars are tiny!
Maybe, but still they (BLEEP) come!
Did you slow the footage
to simulate weightlessness?
No, I was just still pissed!
Ozzy Osbourne, "News at Ten", hammered.
So, this way, after your long hibernation.
Across here... Come on, now.
Sheba, I picked out this one for you.
No, this one.
- Shall I get it for you?
- Yes, in a 16.
This is the biggest we've got. They're big.
Those would be good. Would you like those?
It will help you blend in, don't you think?
Now, this is fine for
sensitive skin, isn't it?
- Yes.
- What about scaly reptilian skin?
I'm guessing it will probably be fine.
- Can we try them?
- Of course!
Good.
- Which capsule?
- Any one.
Have this one. No, the curtain
is malfunctioning. Go in there.
Try them on. We'll rehabilitate you
back into Earth.
- She's very good.
- Not our usual customer!
Normally they smell much worse.
- Not your normal customer?
- No.
Do you normally get Ice Warriors?
- Come in.
- Down the end.
Don't go in that one.
There's a reptile in it.
How are you getting on?
She's having a problem with her scales.
OK.
- A skirt would be much easier to put on.
- Yes.
- Can you fetch a skirt?
- No problem.
- Fetch a skirt.
- Oh, my God!
Right, put it down.
Take a look. What do you think?
That's quite good. I think the pink
helps to soften the scaly skin.
- We'll take those.
- Yeah?
- Thank you, my dear.
- No problem.
You're so kind. Would you travel with me?
Let's go to Florana.
The pre-Budget report
is the talk of Westminster,
but that's no use because "Question Time"
is coming from some godforsaken place.
The audience will
be in green wellies
and the guests are a Lib-Dem
you've never heard of,
a rent-a-quote right-winger like Peter
Hitchens and, worst of all, Jim Davidson.
Expect shouting a-plenty
about fiscal policy
from an audience as freakish
as Gordon Brown himself,
and embarrassing moments as I guess
whether the questioner is a man or a woman.
I can't wait to get back to London.
As it's a cold winter,
someone famous is bound to die soon
and I do love hosting a good funeral.
Michael?
This was brought in an
hour ago, still warm.
Just from glancing,
I know this was a 43-year-old male
who lived alone
in a three-bedroom semi in Surrey.
Holidayed in France,
had a terrier called Snowflake
and was killed by two shots
to the back of the head.
No, you're wrong. It's your lunch.
It's a toasted bagel
with chicken, avocado and sweetcorn.
Oh, the humanity!
I'm Mark Lawson, Britain's brainiest
potato. This is "Late Review".
Desperate to revive his career, Arnie
Schwarzenegger returns to our screens.
Arnie liked the script
because of its exploration of themes
such as loss and betrayal.
Here's a clip from it.
- There's no escape!
- Don't worry, Token Black Buddy,
you might not make it to the final cut,
but I will be victorious.
- The coast is clear.
- Don't count on it, muscle-bound hero!
You thought I was busy filming more
"Lord of the Rings", but you're wrong.
I am here, Ian McKellen, aka Dr Death!
Oh, no!
You are so evil and calculating,
as only a classically-trained
British actor can be.
- You are my nemesis.
- Don't be so sure about that!
It's Alan Rickman,
my sworn enemy at every audition!
This is my worst nightmare.
I've double-booked my
token British bad guys!
This cardboard cut-out baddy role is mine.
Steven Berkoff's washing his hair,
Anthony Hopkins is sick,
Christopher Lee's on holiday and Kenneth
Branagh wasn't told where the audition was.
You can't thwart me, McKellen.
I'll get your super-villain role.
Not when there's some eye-rolling to do!
You'll never get my bad guy role,
not while I have my miniature cannon!
That's too bad. You're about
to be blown to smithereens
by my futuristic cannon/laser device!
I need a Token British Baddy
to save the world from!
"In case of Token British Bad Guys
killing each other, break glass."
Hello! I'm Brian Blessed!
My name is Greg Dyke,
Director General of the BBC.
Yes, that was me on Parky on Saturday.
Remake "Playschool"? No, Humpty Dumpty.
No one falls off a wall unless I push him.
People say to me,
"Why are BBC game shows aggressive?"
Then they say, "Ow! Why did you hit me?"
Then they say, "Please don't kick me!"
Then they say, "Call the police!
He's out of his mind!"
I say, "I don't know why
BBC game shows are aggressive,
"but if you don't stop bleeding
over my Gucci loafers, I'll get angry,
"and you don't want to see me angry!"
Oi, Yentob, isn't one of those
banana Frijees for me?
Right, Delia, act as normal.
We'll sexy you up a bit with the camera.
- Very well.
- And action!
Go away! I'm trying to cook!
- Make love to the camera, Delia!
- I rarely make love to my husband.
- Do something sexy...
- I shall not love the eggs.
- Go away!
- Sexy sells! Shift more books.
For goodness' sake. All right, then.
- How's that?
- Well, it's a start.
I feel like a whore.
Seriously, Ma'am, a CBE will do fine.
After all, it was only
one lousy florist shop!
Organisers of the concert to remember
George Harrison say it was such a success
they're planning another one
to remember who Ringo Starr was.
Please welcome Brian!
Thank you.
If one was to ask the question,
"Name one of the great composers"...
...undoubtedly one would hear names
such as Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Beethoven
in the replies.
But there are a number
of forgotten composers.
One of these lived
in the early part of the 16th century.
He was a deeply spiritual and
religious man, a Benedictine monk.
One of his works in particular
was written in the early 16th century.
It's a little-known piece,
but it may sound a little bit like this.
(UPBEAT FUNKY REGGAE)
(MUSIC STOPS)
For which the archdeacon was best known.
- What is your name?
- Pauline.
What have you learnt
from what we have demonstrated tonight?
This is not for your entertainment!
- What have you learnt?
- That we can all make fools of ourselves!
Er, thank you for being here
this evening for me.
The pleasure has been moderate,
but I thank you for that nevertheless.
Mama, I never meant to hurt you,
but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet.
More on that later.
David Beckham is denying
baseless rumours from the internet.
I'm joined by England manager,
Sven Goran Ericsson.
- Hello.
- First, Mr Ericsson,
you'll confirm that the
rumours are baseless?
Yes, they are really not accurate words.
Words of any sort are merely flimsy chaff,
cast into the tempest of this life.
Why do rumours get attached to Beckham?
I don't know. It is foolish.
I have many rumours about me.
So there is a rumour
that I am cool and unemotional.
In the bedroom I'm a randy son of a bitch.
See some skirt and I'm up it
like a rat up a drainpipe.
Well, that's a discussion for another time.
Will Beckham have to withdraw from public?
No, it is his way. He adores publicity
like a dung beetle craves faeces.
For me the press is ridiculous.
They are like flies around
the bloated rump of football management.
Sometimes I should prefer to live
atop a tall pillar in the Kalahari Desert,
wearing a loincloth and
eating cereal and wasps.
Wail, people of Babylon, wail.
Mr Ericsson, thank you.
And I thought Andrew Marr was weird!
Later on BBC Four,
a change to our scheduled film.
In place of Renoir's classic,
"Le Déjeuner sur L'herbe",
we'll screen "Porkies 5,
Horny Babes in Bikinis".
No, we won't!
I had to wake you up somehow!
Time for bed. See you tomorrow.
US comedies always attract British actors.
Now it's the turn of drama
to pull UK talent.
Here's a clip from "Sex and the City".
This is a fantastic first date.
I'll freshen up.
You stay hot. I've got plans for later.
I'll be right here, baby!
- I think I'm on for tonight!
- Hello, love.
- Is it that well-hung young stud?
- Yes, Thora.
He gave Gloria Hunniford
a multiple orgasm using only his tongue!
He went at her like a
bulldog eating porridge!
- Are you wearing your Gucci corselet?
- And peekaboo Prada support hose.
If he's as horny as that lawyer you pulled,
I shan't be able to walk for a fortnight!
I'm seeing him tonight
for a debriefing in the shower.
- He's got buns like rock cakes!
- He's coming back.
- Are we ready to go?
- I can't wait, you sexy beast!
There's a bring-and-buy sale.
We could get some bargains.
Oh. Well maybe you can
flick me off on the way.
This is ITV1.
Move along, nothing to see here.
I don't know how she got out of the jungle.
Just find her and finish the job!
A plastic surgeon says techniques to do
face transplants are already in place.
He says he can graft
one person's face onto another.
There are fears that people
will change their faces willy-nilly.
The first person to do so
is me, Michael Buerk,
aka the Prince of Darkness.
I wanted to look less freaky for a change.