Dead Pixels (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Hive-Mother - full transcript

[MUSIC] The Blue Danube Waltz
by Johann Strauss II

[FLUTE MUSIC LOUDER]

Alison, have you learnt
the fucking flute?

I...
[SIGHS]

A little bit. Jus- Grade 4.

Well done! I'm sure
that'll come in really useful.

Just- just a fucking fluter now,
aren't you?

Well, I'm a fucking flautist.

Whatever, Alison.

I'm actually doing a recital
tomorrow night,

if you wanted to come.



It's in Oxford, but we could stay
at my parents'. Mum's doing a pheasant.

- Can't actually.
- Hmm.

We're about to finally
make it into the Citadel.

We're going to slay the hive mother.

We are this close
to averting a genocide.

Cor! No? Averting a genocide?

Bloody...

..well done, you!

Also...

..I think I've finally figured
everything out with Russell.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, because last night I was in one
of my wine funks... You know my funks?

Sure. I know your funks.

..and I was like,



- I see it. It all makes sense.
- Mm.

"I hate Russell and I love Nicky."

And then I thought, [SCOFFS]
"I don't love Nicky!

"He is my nemesis, but I need him
like Tanadaal needs the Mad Chaplain."
- Mm.

So then I thought, "Russell for sex,
Nicky for everything else."

And then I came up with a way to remember it -
"Russell in the bed, Nicky in the head."

That's great, Meg.

So great you came up with a way
to remember it.

I'm actually feeling really positive
about my choices for once.

And I know...

..we've had our... but...

but, like, I don't not

think of you as...

...a friend kind-of-thing.

Thanks, Meg.

That means a lot.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

What was that?

What was what?

It was like a squeeze.
You did, like, a condolence squeeze.

Meg, it's just a hug.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- Sorry.
- No. [LAUGHS]

Anyway, I should probably crack on.
I need to learn the Blue Danube.

Yeah. Me, too, actually.

I need to break the
ramparts of the Citadel,

find our way to the
Spawn Chamber.

Good luck with your- your thing,

you big fucking fluter!

- Flautist.
- Whatever, Alison!

Ugh!

[MEG] God. Here it is, the Citadel,

a once bustling metropolis,

brought to its knees
by one woman's tyranny.

You could write an epic poem
about the fall of the Citadel.

"On yonder lonely heath,

"a city snagged on the Devil's -"

No, Meg! Stop that right now!

Forget it, then!
I just wanted to mark the occasion

because we are about to liberate
the Ninth Kingdom!

Yeah, great.
So Destiny 2 just arrived.

Nicky! Can we at least finish
one game before we start the next?

You don't buy a puppy
before the dog's dead.

That is exactly what you do.

Well, I've been thinking, actually,
and I might try Rocket League instead.

Oh. Right.

So we're gonna be playing
separate games, then, are we? I see.

What's next, separate jam,
separate houses, separate everythings?

You've been using my fucking jam?!

[USMAN] It's 6am.

I should absolutely not be having
another beer.

[OPENS BOTTLE]
Oh, butter fingers!

[MEG] You're not flying today, are you?

[USMAN] No, I just got back from
a three-day stayover into Utah.

So obviously, I rushed
straight back to the family.

I'm kidding! I checked into a motel
for a couple of days.

'Cause you need 48
hours to decompress.

Also, the pressure's off now
Wade's stepped in the breach.

It's like having a second wife.
He's virtually living with us.

And he's all like, "Hey, Usman,
can I borrow a pair of your pants?"

and I'm sat in the comfort
of my motel suite, like, "Dude...

"you wanna wear my pants and
put my kids to bed, your funeral."

Anyway, I was going to suggest
we get together and do something
for the final mission.

You know, because we made the pact.

The sacred napkin.

Wherever that is.

Alison's going away.
We've got the place to ourselves.

I mean, if it wasn't so totally
and heartbreakingly fucking lame,

we could cosplay it.

God, yeah! We'd totally do that
if we were two like two absolute jack-off
geeko stereotypes!

- Or we could just do it anyway...
- Let's just do it, anyway.

I've actually been working on
a couple of outfits for us.

I thought we could
invite Russell.

It says he's online
but I don't know where.

Oh, no idea. Haven't seen him.

[RUSSELL] Thank you very much. I think
I'm trapped in the Dark Circle!

Can you- can you hear me?

[CREATURES ROAR]

OK, you two, have a good day.

Don't fuck each other
or do anything weird.

[NICKY] We won't!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Fucking... Fucking, come on!

Hath you sealed the bubble?

The bubble hath been sealed.

Hello,

Greta Longstocking.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance
at long last, Morwick the Unwavering.

- Nice pauldrons. What are they made -
- Nicky, You're breaking my vibe!

Can we not deconstruct the outfits,
please?

So I made provisions
for full lockdown!

Er, flapjacks - 1kg,

beef jerky - 1kg,

trail mix - 1kg,
Swizzels, 1 half-kg,

Fruit-tella, popcorn,

potential wildcard - grapes.

It's smart.
Everything's edible with one hand.

Also, they were selling off
bottles of Weetabix drink for 5p
in Food Cutter

because they're a year out of date,
so I bought 80 of them.

Oh, my God!
What else have you got down there?

- Oh, nothing much.

Bog roll, batteries,
first aid kit, a torch, pork crunch,
Tunnock's teacakes,

length of rope, pen knife,
tinned peaches, pears, pineapples.

Basically, we can remain in the
bubble, in situ, the two of us,

for probably around 20 months
without having to see
another living soul.

You know, if required...

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[NICKY MEEKLY] Who's there?
- It's me - Russell!

- What the fuck is he doing here?
- Nicky, he's part of the Guild.

He's not part of the Guild, Meg!
He's a clown!

We're NASA, he's the chimp
that gets fired into space!

You don't invite the space chimp
to the big summer party!

[RUSSELL] Guys, I don't know if you know,
I can hear you.

- Well, he's not coming in!
- Well, he is coming in!

Because you have feelings
and I have feelings!
Do you know who else has feelings, Nicky?

The spinster downstairs.

Right now, she's feeling very lonely!

She needs a carer!
She needs full-time care!

- Speaking of which...
- Don't let him in!

Hey, guys! Thanks so much
for inviting me over!

Nicky? Hey, friend!

So good to actually meet you
at long last!

Dude, it is so good
to finally put a face to a name!

You look weirder than I expected.

You look a bit like
the inside of a Dalek.

Oh, OK, yeah.
I think I've heard that before.

[SIGHS]
[SLAMS DOOR]

Right. Airlocks been closed.

Ooh!

No-one leaves
until we kill the hive mother.

I better go get my costume on.

So, this is it, then? You're finally
gonna have sex with him?

- Why do you even care?
- Because!

Need I remind you, Greta, darling,
we're still legally married?

Well, so are me and him! We're all
married, Nicky, the three of us!

God, that is so fucking French!

That's me! That's Greta!

You can't cage this!

You knew that when you married me,
so it's a little bit late
to be getting all bleurgh!

Well, Greta, dearest, it might
behove you to keep your knickers on
for a change!

Behove! Listen to Lord Morwick!

I am a lord, actually!
I'm the Lord of Grey Vale,

which technically makes you a lady.
Not that you fucking act like one!

I never should've married you!
What was I thinking? I don't need a man!

I am a strong, independent hunchback!

Look, Meg,

this was supposed to be
the two of us.

Yeah, well, now it's the three of us.

Correction, four,

because Granny just woke up
and it's time for her porridge.

I think this is as good
as it's going to get.

[SIGHS]
Oy. You're wearing a child's bikini.

Oh, I wondered why it was so cheap.

Probably because there's no VAT
on kid's clothes. Bonus!

Cheers, guys!

Here's to us.

[BURPS]

- Oh! pardon!
- He's such a bellend.

There's a screw in my trail mix!

Weird. I wonder how that
got in there, mate.

Good job you didn't swallow it.

You could've died.

[EERIE TRUMPET]
Why have you got a hammer?

I'm just doing a bit of DIY.

#FuckRussell?

It's a joke, Russell. Irony.

Do you understand irony, Russell?

I thought I did.
[MEG SIGHS] Whoa, ok.

- Nicky, can I have a word, please?
- Yeah, sure.

How can I help?

Are you trying
to kill Russell?

I'm just trying to put
the shitters up him.

And who knows how these
things get into our food?

A hair in the salad,
an eyelash in the soup.

- A shard of glass in a piece of flapjack...
- Do not eat the flapjack, Russell!

Fine! Do you want the truth?

[WHISPERING]
I saw the two of you together
in the House of Jade Moon.

- What are you talking about?
- I took a screenshot.

Nicky, that's not me.

- It is, you, Meg. You can see the hunch.
- No, that's Greta.

- That's the same thing!
- It is not the same thing, Nicky, at all!

It's like,
Daniel Craig is not James Bond!

I mean, can you imagine
if Daniel Craig the person
was legally licensed to kill?

He'd be an absolute menace!

That is not me, and if I take him in my
bedroom later, that won't be me, either!

Meg, you can't fuck someone
in character!

I'm not fucking anyone, Nicky!

Greta is!

Well, I don't think I like
Greta Longstocking any more.

I want Meg back.

Meg's logged off.

It's Greta's time now.

[RUSSELL]
God, there's some wire in my beef jerky!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

My God,
look at what she did to this place!

'Twas a city on the highest hill -

- No, Meg, no more!
- Fine, then, Nicky!

[USMAN] Who's this? Chat invite?

Usman? Can you hear me?

Oh! Hey, honey.

Guys, my wife. My wife, the guys.

What the hell are you doing on here?

Well, as I don't seem to be having

much luck getting through to you
any other way, I thought I'd try this.

Where are you, Usman?

Oh, I'm...

Um...

I'm, um, actually just circling
somewhere over Denver.

[HUMS]

Cross check. Cross check. Doors to manual.
[HUMS HIGHER PITCH]

Usman, we need to talk.
[SAD MUSIC]

About you and me,
about our relationship.

About you neglecting your family
so you can play -

OK, I'm kicking you off the chat now

- and I'm running away.
[WIFE] Usm- [CUTS OFF]

Good luck, guys. I'm out of here.

Usman?

[NICKY] Usman, mate,

you can't run away
from your wife forever.

I think you'll find I can, mate.

I've got 19 stamina points.

I'll hide out in the Galgon
caves like Bin Laden.

Bear trap!
[CLANG]

Dammit!

[RUSSELL] OK, I'm getting cramp.

You're serious. You're getting DVT
and we're only six hours in?

Someone clots easily.

Back in a sec.

Drink that.

- What is it?
- Neat gin.

You need to drink it
and, when I tell you,

you need to go into the
bathroom, and have a shower

and wash your hair and
brush your teeth,

and when we're doing it, what
I need for you to do for me, Russell,
is to shut the fuck up.

Do you think you can handle that
for me, Russell?

Eh, doing what, sorry?

When we're fucking. When we're
in my bed and we're fucking.

Right, and that's- that's happening
today, is it?

Yeah. Regrettably so. Today is D Day.
D for Disgusting.

OK. No, that's great.

Sure it is, Russell. It's great.
I'm made up about it.

No, cos I...
I wanted to tell you, actually...

You know like when you've been
sex-talking with someone on Messenger and,

sometimes when you finish,

you immediately regret it and

all you want to do is wash your hands
and say sorry to your mum,

even though you haven't actually
done anything to your mum? Well...

it's kind of the opposite with you.

After we finish...

..I just wanna drink some hot milk
and think about you for -

Sorry Russell, I'm just gonna have
to stop you there because you're babbling.

Remain at your terminal
and await further instruction.

Oh, OK, Meg.

No!

Greta.

Wait, Usman's back.

Guys, there's something I need to say.

I've been talking to my wife.

[USMAN SIGHS]

I'm afraid it's the worst possible news.

I'm deleting my character.

What the fuck?

She's right.
[SIGHS] I mean,

what am I doing? Putting in
60, 70 hours a week on this game,

hiding away in a motel room
while another man takes my kids
to their gym recital.

That's weird, actually, Usman,
because I've been thinking about
maybe doing something else, too.

Like what?

I dunno. Writing.

Writing?
Meg, you can't just do writing!

You can't just sit down
and start writing!

Nicky, have you ever seen
anyone do any writing?

Because that's exactly
what they do.

What kind of writing?

I dunno. Fantasy.

They've already got
all the fantasy writers, Meg!

That's why you never
see an advert -

"Wanted - fantasy writers." cos those
jobs are just handed out at birth.

Alison learnt the fucking flute!

Oh, so now anything's possible,
is it, Meg?

"Alison learnt the flute!"
Maybe I'll finally learn how to drive!

Drive down the motorway! Look at me!
Ooh, I'm driving down the motorway!

People do learn to drive. That is
definitely a thing that can happen.

What about Rocket League?

I thought you were playing that.

I might just game less.
I'll just do one hour in the evening.

What is this, a paper round?
A hobby?

Is gaming your hobby now, Meg?

What if Alison's right?

What if life is for living?

[RUSSELL] Oh, that's nice!

Who are you, Megan Jeffries?

[SIGHS]

How about we slay the hive mother
together and then I'm gone?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
All right, then.

Let's dance one last time.

[SWEEPING MUSIC]

[CREATURE ROARS]

OK, team, let's get some heat
on that egg sac!

Nicky! Dude...
what- what are you doing?

I think you're doing it again.
Again with the hammers.

Just stand still and die!

- Nicky, what are you doing?
- I'm saving you, Meg!

I don't need saving! I am not
Princess Peach and you are not Mario!

I am Mario, and you're Luigi

and we're supposed to be rescuing
the kingdom together.

You don't get it! You think you're Mario
but you're Bowser!

Russell's Bowser!

Russell is Princess Peach,
I'm super-horny Mario!

I'll getting a mushroom to
make my clit go massive,

then I'm gonna fuck him
to death in the castle!

Sorry, should I go
in the shower now or...?

[NICKY GRUNTS]

Ah, great! Well done, Nicky,
you've ruined it!

- Russell, we're going to yours.
- Are we?

Yea. Get your stuff.
Take that wig off.

You're not walking round
Northampton in a Rasta wig!

I'm getting changed!
I don't want to play any more!

[SWEEPING MUSIC]

[ROARS]

Well, I guess that's it.
[SIGHS]

It's all over.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[RUSSELL] Cool.

I think I'm OK to go out like this.

[MEG] I sent Russell home.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I thought we could finish
what we started.

Meg and Nicky.

You know, because of the items...

Because, whoa,

who knows what we might get.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[NICKY] OK, guys, we need to find
the Orb of Uncreation.

[USMAN] Watch my flanks!

[CREATURES ROAR]
[MEG] No refund! Hang in there!

[USMAN] Pull them off! I'm almost done!

[NICKY] I've got it! OK.

We need to plant the orb
into the egg sac, detonate it.

No way past their limbs.
It's a suicide mission!

Wait.

I'll go.

I'll do it.

[MEG] No! Usman, you'll die!

We need to finish this together.

[USMAN] Meg, please!

This is what I want.

Goodbye, friends.

No.

Goodbye forever.

It's been real.
[ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC]

Usman, no!

Usman!

[MASSIVE EXPLOSION]

[LAPTOP SNAPS SHUT]

Oh, my God.
We just saved the Ninth Kingdom.

We averted a genocide, Meg.

And I didn't think I'd feel anything
but I'm...

I know, mate. I know.

Two years of our lives
and we finally did it.

OK, wait for the drop.

Ultra-rare item.
This is gonna be huge.

If it's the onyx dragon egg, I'll
literally piss where I'm sitting.

"Well done, young warriors.

"Step forth to claim your reward."

[FANFARE]

Gloves.

That's what we get?
We get a pair of gloves?

What the actual fuck?

You are fucking kidding me!

That is fucking awesome!

They're blood iron gauntlets!

I know it's just gloves, Meg,
but this has all been worth it!

No, though, this was totally,
totally worth it.

Yee!

I'm so, so happy with my choices.

So, erm,

I should probably, erm,
you know, Rocket League...

Yeah.

I need to, erm,

boot up Destiny 2, anyway, so...

[POIGNANT MUSIC THROUGHOUT]

GG.

Good game.

[USMAN] You're not
gonna believe this.

They just announced
an expansion pack!