Dead Pixels (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Nicky.
Hey, Alison. How can I help?
The police are at the door
and they're saying
they've had a report that you've
murdered your entire family.
Oh.
OK.
Exquisite.
Simply exquisite.
HE GASPS
The actual police.
Nicholas Kettle? This is he.
We had a call earlier this evening
that you killed your entire family.
No, no, no, no.
OK, this is about a girl, see?
Because I am currently being
trolled by an international
consortium of griefers
and gankers.
And what they've cooked up for me
here tonight is
what's known as a swatting,
wherein the trolls phones the
police, "Hello, police,
"Nicky's butchered his mum, dad
and brother
"with a serrated utility knife."
And what they're then hoping for
is that you will show up
and brutalise me.
Needless to say, very much
in the opposite camp.
Says he, nervously eyeing
the gentleman's truncheon.
Can we just come in and take a look?
Be my guest.
No cadavers here.
What is that?!
HE LAUGHS
I'm just kidding! I'm alone.
Ahh!
WHISPERS: We just got swatted,
Alison.
Still can't believe it.
Absolutely buzzing.
They weren't a SWAT team, Nicky.
They were just two cretins
with some notebooks.
Meg, one of them had a pepper spray,
and he was really quite rude.
Wh...? Alison, why do you look
and smell amazing?
Because Jay is coming over.
So if we have anything gamey
or weird to talk about,
could we possibly do it now?
No, nothing, actually.
Oh, I am thinking of resetting
my body clock to
Philippine Central time. Oh, yeah,
he's doing that. Right.
And why is he doing that?
Just for the weekend.
I fail to see the big deal, Alison.
And, you know, this is troll wars.
I am at war with The Disciples.
DVT happens to live in Manila,
ergo in order for me to grief him,
the optimal griefing experience,
5pm is now bedtime.
Brilliant, so that...
That's done, and there's no need to
ever mention that ever again.
It's cool, Alison.
You won't even see us, OK?
Because Endgame
content is going live,
so we're hitting the
Silkworm Server for a raid.
Again, Silkworm Server, it's just
that sort of jargon that
it would be really great to just get
out of the way now. Yep.
It's raiding time. We're talking
giant PvE bosses in squads of four.
WHISPERS: Be still my quivering
gonad.
Oof. Oh, it's so weird, isn't it,
how we're all in the dating pool
now.
You and Jay, me and Daisy,
Meg and tradesmen Greg.
Gah, it's funny
how we're so the same.
Oh, hang on,
are you going out with your one now?
Well, no, I'm not legally going
out with her.
I don't know, but I am attempting
to inveigle myself that way hence,
slip it under the radar, like the
sailor song Greenbelt Land.
How is everything with your one?
Yeah, my one is fine, thank you,
as far as I can tell. I hear that.
Cos who really knows what
goes on in their minds.
They are like buffalo, aren't they?
Totally unreadable.
Yeah, no, totally.
Did I tell you my one's staying
in a condo in Salzburg
with three gay guys?
You did tell me that,
yes, once just now
and I think previously on the 18th,
19th and 20th of March.
She's a New Zealander,
but she's currently backpacking
extensively around Europe
while she finishes her indie game.
It's a sideways scrolling platform
where you play as Frida Kahlo's
prosthetic leg.
I think we're probably ready to nut,
me and my one. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
So if you hear what sounds
like nutting coming from my room,
then it's probably just me
getting my nut with my one.
So weird, isn't it?
It's like a competition, isn't it?
Who will nut first?
Battle of the flatmates.
Yes, I don't think I want to be
any part of that, but thank you.
All right. Massive glass of Squash,
let's raid.
Shit on my dinner.
What the fuck is this now?
Oh, my God. That's the queue.
That's the queue for the raid boss.
IT GROWLS
So hang on, we have to physically
queue up just to kill him?
This is bullshit!
If I wanted to stand in line
for three hours to have a fight,
I'd go to a fucking nightclub.
I would put on a pair of jeans
with some rips in
and I would line up outside
the Avenue Bar on Bridge Street
to have my face punched in by a man
from Brixworth
with his top button done up!
This game always lets me down.
It's like being in an abusive
relationship,
but instead of being hit on the head
with a saucepan
because I've been talking
when Top Gear's on,
I just get endless shitty content.
In fact, you know what, I quit.
Meg, this is a timed exclusive.
We don't kill that panda tonight,
we regret it the rest of our dumb,
fucking lives. Fine, then, Usman!
Usman, who's this guy?
Relax, that's just Dr Larry.
He's my therapist. Your therapist?
So here's the thing,
it transpires my wife Zara
is very active on the subreddit
Dead Bedrooms.
It's a forum for couples whose sex
lives are in the toilet.
Cos apparently once every
two months isn't quite enough
for little Miss greedy guts.
Anyway, as part of our
circle of healing,
I agreed to attend a solo therapy
session with Dr Larry.
You're there with him now?
Oh, sure, I am in the lion's den.
Now, I can't remember if it
was his idea or my idea to play
Kingdom Scrolls during the
session... It was your idea, Usman.
Either way, here we are.
I said I'd show him around so he can
figure out if I have a problem.
Spoiler alert, I'm about to line up
for four hours
to shoot magic arrows
at an endangered species.
Oo-oo-oh. He's writing that down.
MOCKINGLY: I guess Usman just said
something incriminating.
Hey, Dr Larry, I hope you've got
lots of paper,
cos there is plenty more
where that came from.
Ugh! This is going to take hours.
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES
UGH!
So, Nicky, I see they're still
trolling you. Oh, very much so.
Ordering pizzas,
sending taxis, the police,
and now they've started dropping
cows on my head.
They've also started hitting me up
with voice commands. No idea how.
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
You look like pancakes...
I mean, hats off.
It's incredibly effective
cos even though I know
I don't look like pancakes, give it
six solid hours and, uh, well...
You look like pancakes.
..a guy starts to wonder.
Hey, everyone!
I bought a vanity pet!
It was 15 pounds and he doesn't do
anything and I fucking love him.
Watch this.
Nah, I thought he do something,
but he doesn't.
He doesn't do anything
and I fucking love him.
Also I was getting a bit bored
up here on my own.
Where are you, Russell?
Oh, it's hobby night,
so Annette's asked me just
to wait in the bedroom.
Why is that, then?
Cos in her spare time
she likes to hunt paedophiles.
Yeah, she tracks predators online
and shames them on Facebook,
bless her.
She's just having a Thai curry now
texting some monster from Rotherham.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Greg's here. I'm in a queue,
Alison, for the raid boss.
So if you could just keep him
busy for like four or five hours.
Five hours?!
How? I don't know, just give him
the playing cards out of the drawer.
Fridge magnets. Yeah, let him
play with the fridge magnets.
Can you just come, please?
Fine! Honestly.
Wh...?
What are you doing?
Schmuck bait for Greg. Schmuck bait?
Just car mags and nuts,
keep him sweet while I queue.
Just a little distraction.
Sorry, you're laying bait
for your boyfriend?
I'm being thoughtful, Alison.
Cars, they're his fucking favourite!
He drives one.
Nuts, bloody loves them.
So while gobbling down on nuts,
while reading about Toyotas, yeah,
ooh, what a nightmare.
I think he seems really nice.
MEG SIGHS
You should open yourself up a bit,
Meg. OK, Alison.
I have two objectives
for this evening.
Number one, finish the raid. Number
two, have romantic sex with Greg.
I want to slay the panda,
but equally harvest the seed.
Now, I don't know how much you know
about gender and feminism,
but women can have it all. The panda
and the fucky-fucky-bang-bang.
But you need to line it up,
and that's all I'm doing right here
with the car mags and the nuts.
I'm getting my ducks in a row
so I can then either fuck them
or kill them.
Honestly, Meg, I just don't quite
know where to put any of this.
Usman, hold my place in the queue.
Just send him in.
That's Daisy! Switching to
private chat. Daisy, hey!
Sorry, I'm just about to light up
a pretty considerable spliff.
Oh, yeah, yeah, same here.
Just spliffing it up to the megamax.
By God's ankles,
I am higher than a cat's back.
So I was thinking, uh,
if it's not totally lame,
we could maybe have a picnic.
If you'd care to spawn on me.
Oh, sandwiches!
That's so fucking cool. Thank you.
I made them myself. Mm.
They're really tasty.
And so anyway,
Nicky, I've been thinking, and...
HONKING
Great, I see the trolls are back.
And he's wearing what appears to be
a strap on bratwurst.
Just ignore them,
they'll get bored eventually.
HONKING
Daisy, I'm really sorry.
I just feel like this is maybe
ruining the whole vibe.
Nicky, it's fine. I'm fine with it.
It's totally, totally fine.
HONKING
Actually, you know what,
it is a bit weird.
So I'm probably just going to go.
Daisy, wait! I'll come with you.
I just think I need to get away from
all of this.
So, yeah. Bye, Nicky.
HONKING
THEY CHEER
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
You look like pancakes.
You look like pancakes.
Wow, you're reading that quickly?
Huh?
I'm just saying,
smashing through the mag.
You'll be finished in a second,
if you're not careful.
You should slow down,
really read all the words.
THEY CHUCKLE
Mm, really drinking down those nuts.
It's like you're not even chewing
them. I'm absolutely chewing them.
Mm. You can't drink nuts.
Unless it's, like,
a really runny peanut butter.
I've bit some of my nail off.
Oh, right.
Got any tissue?
Yeah, mate, in the tissue box!
Oh. No, Greg, I was joking.
Why would I have a tissue box?
You can ask Alison,
she'll get you some kitchen roll.
Kitchen roll is very much the Hulk
to toilet paper's Bruce Banner.
That's what I always think.
Aw!
I'm going to go ask Alison.
Yeah. Thanks, babe. Mm-hm.
EAGLE SCREECHES
Hey, Meg. You ever think
maybe we play the game
because we're scared of
letting people get too close?
Because I sometimes feel like
I'm not sitting at my screen,
I'm hiding behind it.
Hm.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God, Dr Larry!
I can't believe
you just fell for that.
I just faked you out, sucker!
Man, I'm totally winning at therapy!
It's like 18-0 Usman
and we're not even at half-time.
So, where's your one then, Nicky?
Oh, erm, she's gone.
Trolls finally drove her away.
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WHOOSHES
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
Shame. Looks like Meg's
going to nut first.
Because I'm like a sous chef
in a sex kitchen
and I've got six pans on the boil.
Um, Nicky, your freaky masturbating
associates are back.
I don't care anymore.
What else could they do to me?
What the fuck?
What just happened to my head?
I think they just glitch-fucked you,
dude.
You've got the blockhead virus. Get
away from me. Quarantine yourself.
I'm hideous. Don't look at me!
THEY LAUGH
MONKEY SCREECHES
No, they just glitch-fucked
my monkey.
What have they done to you,
little buddy?
Oh, well, looks like
I need to buy another one.
Smash.
Smash, smash, smash, smash.
Annette, where's your credit card,
babe?
SHE GASPS
Alison? Who the fuck
are those children?
That's Isaac, that's Vivi
and that is little Poppy Rose.
She is an absolute terror.
Yes, because Jay couldn't make it in
the end because he's got five-aside.
So he said...
Jay has children?
Yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.
Jay has kids, which we're both
totally thrilled about.
And is that new, is it, the kids?
Or did we know about those?
It's relatively new information,
yeah.
I mean, in the last sort of
40-50 minutes.
Is that normal, to find out about
someone's children?
Perfectly normal, yes.
Yes, if you Google "secret children"
or even "my partner's
mysterious children",
then you'll find
literally hundreds of results.
Oh, well...
Well, as long as you're all right
with it? Yeah, it's great.
Oh, I heard you gave tradesmen Greg
a piece of kitchen roll.
Yes, I did,
because his nail was bleeding.
His nail was bleeding? That guy!
What is going on with him lately?
Oh, he went home. No sex in the end.
Oh? Just couldn't find a way in.
He's like a sealed tomb.
He's incredibly closed off
emotionally,
which is annoying but, you know,
handy in a way.
Right? Yeah, because it sounds bad
but I don't mean it.
But the balance I'm trying to strike
is I want to
extract the sex from him
without opening up
the old feelings box.
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, my God.
Do me a favour, since you've got
this whole creche thing going on,
would you babysit my phone?
What? Oh, go on. It's just Greg.
Erm, we're nearly at
the front of the queue. You know,
I just need you to keep him
sweet for a bit,
just pump him full of emoji. Get the
kids to do it. Kids love images!
Hey, kids, who wants to pump
some emojis? No, Meg.
Fine then, Alison,
I'll do it myself.
Yeah, that should give him
something to chew on.
Well, what are you texting him?
Don't know. Emojis, isn't it?
Who really knows what
they even mean?
The thing is, I do think
he seems like quite a nice guy
and I really don't want you
to screw this up.
Also, Meg, you've just done
lots of fire engines and a pretzel.
Thanks, Alison! No!
OK, we're almost up.
And this better be worth it because
I'm being billed 150 bucks an hour.
Usman, you're still in therapy?
The initial session ran out
hours ago, so I paid for
the whole afternoon so I didn't
have to miss my space in line.
Hey, Dr Larry, how about
we settle this therapy like men?
A fight to the death.
I can't, Usman, because you refuse
to show me the controls.
Oh, here's an insight -
Dr Larry's a chicken shit.
Hm! Maybe I should
make a note of that.
Erm, Meg?
Greg's back.
He came back?
I don't know what happened.
This is good,
he must be back for a bunk.
OK, Alison, you let him in,
make a start.
And then I'll come in and take over
because I am horny
but also next in line.
So, not this, but could you maybe
take into the bathroom, tell him I'm
coming in and then turn
the light off and start, you know,
jerking him off? Oh, my God! No.
OK, before you get up and all
your high horse about this, OK,
no, I'm not talking about sexual
assault... Sounds like you are.
Alison, Alison,
I'm just talking about theoretically
just turning the spigot
and releasing some of the pressure.
OK, Meg, I am trying to get those
kids to go to bed
and Poppy fucking Rose
just will not settle.
So, here's your phone.
You're on your own.
Oh, my God.
She never does anything for me.
Hi, Greg.
Em, so good to see you again.
So, em, I actually need about 20
minutes, but then we can, you know.
So, em, there's a pack of playing
cards in the second drawdown.
I think you was right.
That's exactly how I feel.
In your messages.
Come on in.
What have you done to him? I texted
him some emojis, like you asked.
And then we texted a bit more and
then we kind of got into mum stuff.
You got into mum stuff with Greg?
I didn't even know
he had a fucking mum, Alison!
I couldn't help it, OK, I was trying
to help Isaac with his homework and
Vivi wouldn't eat her fucking peas
and I think I just needed an outlet.
Oh, OK, so you thought
you'd just, what,
reach into the pipes of my one
and just start pissing around?
"Oh, I'll put this pipe
over next to this pipe,
"and put the emotional valve
into the mum valve"?
I was just trying to help. Well,
you've cracked him open, Alison.
Tradesman Greg.
Cracked him wide open.
Seeping his big, fat fucking
emo yolk all over my carpet.
You've Humpty Dumpty'd him.
Guess what, Meg's going to have to
go and clear it all up.
All the mess. All the feelings.
Maybe this is good?
I can't believe I'm going to say
this... What? What about his mum?
Well, they never really got on.
Oh, shit. Oh, he doesn't
get on with his mum. No,
I can't be dealing with that shit.
And she's really not very well. I
mean, she's really quite poorly. Oh.
OK. Well, that's good then,
isn't it, because they don't get on?
I mean, he still loves her.
Oh, make your fucking mind up, Greg!
I'm sorry, mate,
I never should have got involved.
SHE LAUGHS
No shit!
Front of the line, Meg.
Red panda raid boss
in three minutes and counting.
So, Greg...
I was thinking, maybe tonight we go
big picture on the mum staff
and then tomorrow maybe
crack a Magners
and really get into the weeds?
We don't have to talk,
we could just...
We could just cuddle.
SHE CHUCKLES
Right.
OK, yeah, a quick cuddle then.
A quick three minute cuddle.
Meg, we're up. It's raiding time.
IT ROARS
Meg? Meg?
Em...
I'm really, really sorry, Greg,
I'm just going to have to slide...
Just going to have to slide out,
sorry. Sorry, Greg. Just...
GREG SIGHS
Stupid...
Hey.
Fuck! She just bailed.
We'll get smashed!
There's only two of us
and I'm fucking useless.
Dr Larry, you're up.
I don't know how, Usman.
Listen, I came here today
to talk about my intimacy issues
and to conquer my demons.
How about we conquer
a large panda instead?
No, Daisy, get back.
I've got blockhead virus.
I might be infectious.
I know, and guess what?
Oh, my God. Daisy.
At least we can be together now.
In here, alone,
where no-one else can see.
Because I was going to say, Nicky,
would you be into, like,
laying down and stuff?
OK, then.
Is this OK, Nicky?
It's more than OK. It's, em...
SENSUAL MOANING
THEY GIGGLE
Oh, crumbs! Oh, crumpets! Wow!
Crumbs. OK!
Crumbs. Yup!
Oh!
SENSUAL MOANING
HE GULPS
Russell, stay loose. I'll tech.
OK, Dr Larry,
when I say, hit right trigger, A.
IT ROARS
IT GROWLS
Usman, mate, I think
he's going to kill you.
Usman, my professional advice
is that you should fall back.
Now, Dr Larry. Right trigger, A.
Yes, we did it, bud!
Holy shit, we did it!
How does this feel, Usman?
I don't know. Safe?
And how would you feel about going
home and holding Zara like this?
OK, I guess.
So I'll divide the loot up
when I get home and deposit the gold
and the armour into your inventory.
Good day.
HE LAUGHS
It looks like he's jerking off!
# 5, 4
# 3, 2, 1. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Hey, Alison. How can I help?
The police are at the door
and they're saying
they've had a report that you've
murdered your entire family.
Oh.
OK.
Exquisite.
Simply exquisite.
HE GASPS
The actual police.
Nicholas Kettle? This is he.
We had a call earlier this evening
that you killed your entire family.
No, no, no, no.
OK, this is about a girl, see?
Because I am currently being
trolled by an international
consortium of griefers
and gankers.
And what they've cooked up for me
here tonight is
what's known as a swatting,
wherein the trolls phones the
police, "Hello, police,
"Nicky's butchered his mum, dad
and brother
"with a serrated utility knife."
And what they're then hoping for
is that you will show up
and brutalise me.
Needless to say, very much
in the opposite camp.
Says he, nervously eyeing
the gentleman's truncheon.
Can we just come in and take a look?
Be my guest.
No cadavers here.
What is that?!
HE LAUGHS
I'm just kidding! I'm alone.
Ahh!
WHISPERS: We just got swatted,
Alison.
Still can't believe it.
Absolutely buzzing.
They weren't a SWAT team, Nicky.
They were just two cretins
with some notebooks.
Meg, one of them had a pepper spray,
and he was really quite rude.
Wh...? Alison, why do you look
and smell amazing?
Because Jay is coming over.
So if we have anything gamey
or weird to talk about,
could we possibly do it now?
No, nothing, actually.
Oh, I am thinking of resetting
my body clock to
Philippine Central time. Oh, yeah,
he's doing that. Right.
And why is he doing that?
Just for the weekend.
I fail to see the big deal, Alison.
And, you know, this is troll wars.
I am at war with The Disciples.
DVT happens to live in Manila,
ergo in order for me to grief him,
the optimal griefing experience,
5pm is now bedtime.
Brilliant, so that...
That's done, and there's no need to
ever mention that ever again.
It's cool, Alison.
You won't even see us, OK?
Because Endgame
content is going live,
so we're hitting the
Silkworm Server for a raid.
Again, Silkworm Server, it's just
that sort of jargon that
it would be really great to just get
out of the way now. Yep.
It's raiding time. We're talking
giant PvE bosses in squads of four.
WHISPERS: Be still my quivering
gonad.
Oof. Oh, it's so weird, isn't it,
how we're all in the dating pool
now.
You and Jay, me and Daisy,
Meg and tradesmen Greg.
Gah, it's funny
how we're so the same.
Oh, hang on,
are you going out with your one now?
Well, no, I'm not legally going
out with her.
I don't know, but I am attempting
to inveigle myself that way hence,
slip it under the radar, like the
sailor song Greenbelt Land.
How is everything with your one?
Yeah, my one is fine, thank you,
as far as I can tell. I hear that.
Cos who really knows what
goes on in their minds.
They are like buffalo, aren't they?
Totally unreadable.
Yeah, no, totally.
Did I tell you my one's staying
in a condo in Salzburg
with three gay guys?
You did tell me that,
yes, once just now
and I think previously on the 18th,
19th and 20th of March.
She's a New Zealander,
but she's currently backpacking
extensively around Europe
while she finishes her indie game.
It's a sideways scrolling platform
where you play as Frida Kahlo's
prosthetic leg.
I think we're probably ready to nut,
me and my one. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
So if you hear what sounds
like nutting coming from my room,
then it's probably just me
getting my nut with my one.
So weird, isn't it?
It's like a competition, isn't it?
Who will nut first?
Battle of the flatmates.
Yes, I don't think I want to be
any part of that, but thank you.
All right. Massive glass of Squash,
let's raid.
Shit on my dinner.
What the fuck is this now?
Oh, my God. That's the queue.
That's the queue for the raid boss.
IT GROWLS
So hang on, we have to physically
queue up just to kill him?
This is bullshit!
If I wanted to stand in line
for three hours to have a fight,
I'd go to a fucking nightclub.
I would put on a pair of jeans
with some rips in
and I would line up outside
the Avenue Bar on Bridge Street
to have my face punched in by a man
from Brixworth
with his top button done up!
This game always lets me down.
It's like being in an abusive
relationship,
but instead of being hit on the head
with a saucepan
because I've been talking
when Top Gear's on,
I just get endless shitty content.
In fact, you know what, I quit.
Meg, this is a timed exclusive.
We don't kill that panda tonight,
we regret it the rest of our dumb,
fucking lives. Fine, then, Usman!
Usman, who's this guy?
Relax, that's just Dr Larry.
He's my therapist. Your therapist?
So here's the thing,
it transpires my wife Zara
is very active on the subreddit
Dead Bedrooms.
It's a forum for couples whose sex
lives are in the toilet.
Cos apparently once every
two months isn't quite enough
for little Miss greedy guts.
Anyway, as part of our
circle of healing,
I agreed to attend a solo therapy
session with Dr Larry.
You're there with him now?
Oh, sure, I am in the lion's den.
Now, I can't remember if it
was his idea or my idea to play
Kingdom Scrolls during the
session... It was your idea, Usman.
Either way, here we are.
I said I'd show him around so he can
figure out if I have a problem.
Spoiler alert, I'm about to line up
for four hours
to shoot magic arrows
at an endangered species.
Oo-oo-oh. He's writing that down.
MOCKINGLY: I guess Usman just said
something incriminating.
Hey, Dr Larry, I hope you've got
lots of paper,
cos there is plenty more
where that came from.
Ugh! This is going to take hours.
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES
UGH!
So, Nicky, I see they're still
trolling you. Oh, very much so.
Ordering pizzas,
sending taxis, the police,
and now they've started dropping
cows on my head.
They've also started hitting me up
with voice commands. No idea how.
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
You look like pancakes...
I mean, hats off.
It's incredibly effective
cos even though I know
I don't look like pancakes, give it
six solid hours and, uh, well...
You look like pancakes.
..a guy starts to wonder.
Hey, everyone!
I bought a vanity pet!
It was 15 pounds and he doesn't do
anything and I fucking love him.
Watch this.
Nah, I thought he do something,
but he doesn't.
He doesn't do anything
and I fucking love him.
Also I was getting a bit bored
up here on my own.
Where are you, Russell?
Oh, it's hobby night,
so Annette's asked me just
to wait in the bedroom.
Why is that, then?
Cos in her spare time
she likes to hunt paedophiles.
Yeah, she tracks predators online
and shames them on Facebook,
bless her.
She's just having a Thai curry now
texting some monster from Rotherham.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Greg's here. I'm in a queue,
Alison, for the raid boss.
So if you could just keep him
busy for like four or five hours.
Five hours?!
How? I don't know, just give him
the playing cards out of the drawer.
Fridge magnets. Yeah, let him
play with the fridge magnets.
Can you just come, please?
Fine! Honestly.
Wh...?
What are you doing?
Schmuck bait for Greg. Schmuck bait?
Just car mags and nuts,
keep him sweet while I queue.
Just a little distraction.
Sorry, you're laying bait
for your boyfriend?
I'm being thoughtful, Alison.
Cars, they're his fucking favourite!
He drives one.
Nuts, bloody loves them.
So while gobbling down on nuts,
while reading about Toyotas, yeah,
ooh, what a nightmare.
I think he seems really nice.
MEG SIGHS
You should open yourself up a bit,
Meg. OK, Alison.
I have two objectives
for this evening.
Number one, finish the raid. Number
two, have romantic sex with Greg.
I want to slay the panda,
but equally harvest the seed.
Now, I don't know how much you know
about gender and feminism,
but women can have it all. The panda
and the fucky-fucky-bang-bang.
But you need to line it up,
and that's all I'm doing right here
with the car mags and the nuts.
I'm getting my ducks in a row
so I can then either fuck them
or kill them.
Honestly, Meg, I just don't quite
know where to put any of this.
Usman, hold my place in the queue.
Just send him in.
That's Daisy! Switching to
private chat. Daisy, hey!
Sorry, I'm just about to light up
a pretty considerable spliff.
Oh, yeah, yeah, same here.
Just spliffing it up to the megamax.
By God's ankles,
I am higher than a cat's back.
So I was thinking, uh,
if it's not totally lame,
we could maybe have a picnic.
If you'd care to spawn on me.
Oh, sandwiches!
That's so fucking cool. Thank you.
I made them myself. Mm.
They're really tasty.
And so anyway,
Nicky, I've been thinking, and...
HONKING
Great, I see the trolls are back.
And he's wearing what appears to be
a strap on bratwurst.
Just ignore them,
they'll get bored eventually.
HONKING
Daisy, I'm really sorry.
I just feel like this is maybe
ruining the whole vibe.
Nicky, it's fine. I'm fine with it.
It's totally, totally fine.
HONKING
Actually, you know what,
it is a bit weird.
So I'm probably just going to go.
Daisy, wait! I'll come with you.
I just think I need to get away from
all of this.
So, yeah. Bye, Nicky.
HONKING
THEY CHEER
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
You look like pancakes.
You look like pancakes.
Wow, you're reading that quickly?
Huh?
I'm just saying,
smashing through the mag.
You'll be finished in a second,
if you're not careful.
You should slow down,
really read all the words.
THEY CHUCKLE
Mm, really drinking down those nuts.
It's like you're not even chewing
them. I'm absolutely chewing them.
Mm. You can't drink nuts.
Unless it's, like,
a really runny peanut butter.
I've bit some of my nail off.
Oh, right.
Got any tissue?
Yeah, mate, in the tissue box!
Oh. No, Greg, I was joking.
Why would I have a tissue box?
You can ask Alison,
she'll get you some kitchen roll.
Kitchen roll is very much the Hulk
to toilet paper's Bruce Banner.
That's what I always think.
Aw!
I'm going to go ask Alison.
Yeah. Thanks, babe. Mm-hm.
EAGLE SCREECHES
Hey, Meg. You ever think
maybe we play the game
because we're scared of
letting people get too close?
Because I sometimes feel like
I'm not sitting at my screen,
I'm hiding behind it.
Hm.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God, Dr Larry!
I can't believe
you just fell for that.
I just faked you out, sucker!
Man, I'm totally winning at therapy!
It's like 18-0 Usman
and we're not even at half-time.
So, where's your one then, Nicky?
Oh, erm, she's gone.
Trolls finally drove her away.
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WHOOSHES
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
Shame. Looks like Meg's
going to nut first.
Because I'm like a sous chef
in a sex kitchen
and I've got six pans on the boil.
Um, Nicky, your freaky masturbating
associates are back.
I don't care anymore.
What else could they do to me?
What the fuck?
What just happened to my head?
I think they just glitch-fucked you,
dude.
You've got the blockhead virus. Get
away from me. Quarantine yourself.
I'm hideous. Don't look at me!
THEY LAUGH
MONKEY SCREECHES
No, they just glitch-fucked
my monkey.
What have they done to you,
little buddy?
Oh, well, looks like
I need to buy another one.
Smash.
Smash, smash, smash, smash.
Annette, where's your credit card,
babe?
SHE GASPS
Alison? Who the fuck
are those children?
That's Isaac, that's Vivi
and that is little Poppy Rose.
She is an absolute terror.
Yes, because Jay couldn't make it in
the end because he's got five-aside.
So he said...
Jay has children?
Yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.
Jay has kids, which we're both
totally thrilled about.
And is that new, is it, the kids?
Or did we know about those?
It's relatively new information,
yeah.
I mean, in the last sort of
40-50 minutes.
Is that normal, to find out about
someone's children?
Perfectly normal, yes.
Yes, if you Google "secret children"
or even "my partner's
mysterious children",
then you'll find
literally hundreds of results.
Oh, well...
Well, as long as you're all right
with it? Yeah, it's great.
Oh, I heard you gave tradesmen Greg
a piece of kitchen roll.
Yes, I did,
because his nail was bleeding.
His nail was bleeding? That guy!
What is going on with him lately?
Oh, he went home. No sex in the end.
Oh? Just couldn't find a way in.
He's like a sealed tomb.
He's incredibly closed off
emotionally,
which is annoying but, you know,
handy in a way.
Right? Yeah, because it sounds bad
but I don't mean it.
But the balance I'm trying to strike
is I want to
extract the sex from him
without opening up
the old feelings box.
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, my God.
Do me a favour, since you've got
this whole creche thing going on,
would you babysit my phone?
What? Oh, go on. It's just Greg.
Erm, we're nearly at
the front of the queue. You know,
I just need you to keep him
sweet for a bit,
just pump him full of emoji. Get the
kids to do it. Kids love images!
Hey, kids, who wants to pump
some emojis? No, Meg.
Fine then, Alison,
I'll do it myself.
Yeah, that should give him
something to chew on.
Well, what are you texting him?
Don't know. Emojis, isn't it?
Who really knows what
they even mean?
The thing is, I do think
he seems like quite a nice guy
and I really don't want you
to screw this up.
Also, Meg, you've just done
lots of fire engines and a pretzel.
Thanks, Alison! No!
OK, we're almost up.
And this better be worth it because
I'm being billed 150 bucks an hour.
Usman, you're still in therapy?
The initial session ran out
hours ago, so I paid for
the whole afternoon so I didn't
have to miss my space in line.
Hey, Dr Larry, how about
we settle this therapy like men?
A fight to the death.
I can't, Usman, because you refuse
to show me the controls.
Oh, here's an insight -
Dr Larry's a chicken shit.
Hm! Maybe I should
make a note of that.
Erm, Meg?
Greg's back.
He came back?
I don't know what happened.
This is good,
he must be back for a bunk.
OK, Alison, you let him in,
make a start.
And then I'll come in and take over
because I am horny
but also next in line.
So, not this, but could you maybe
take into the bathroom, tell him I'm
coming in and then turn
the light off and start, you know,
jerking him off? Oh, my God! No.
OK, before you get up and all
your high horse about this, OK,
no, I'm not talking about sexual
assault... Sounds like you are.
Alison, Alison,
I'm just talking about theoretically
just turning the spigot
and releasing some of the pressure.
OK, Meg, I am trying to get those
kids to go to bed
and Poppy fucking Rose
just will not settle.
So, here's your phone.
You're on your own.
Oh, my God.
She never does anything for me.
Hi, Greg.
Em, so good to see you again.
So, em, I actually need about 20
minutes, but then we can, you know.
So, em, there's a pack of playing
cards in the second drawdown.
I think you was right.
That's exactly how I feel.
In your messages.
Come on in.
What have you done to him? I texted
him some emojis, like you asked.
And then we texted a bit more and
then we kind of got into mum stuff.
You got into mum stuff with Greg?
I didn't even know
he had a fucking mum, Alison!
I couldn't help it, OK, I was trying
to help Isaac with his homework and
Vivi wouldn't eat her fucking peas
and I think I just needed an outlet.
Oh, OK, so you thought
you'd just, what,
reach into the pipes of my one
and just start pissing around?
"Oh, I'll put this pipe
over next to this pipe,
"and put the emotional valve
into the mum valve"?
I was just trying to help. Well,
you've cracked him open, Alison.
Tradesman Greg.
Cracked him wide open.
Seeping his big, fat fucking
emo yolk all over my carpet.
You've Humpty Dumpty'd him.
Guess what, Meg's going to have to
go and clear it all up.
All the mess. All the feelings.
Maybe this is good?
I can't believe I'm going to say
this... What? What about his mum?
Well, they never really got on.
Oh, shit. Oh, he doesn't
get on with his mum. No,
I can't be dealing with that shit.
And she's really not very well. I
mean, she's really quite poorly. Oh.
OK. Well, that's good then,
isn't it, because they don't get on?
I mean, he still loves her.
Oh, make your fucking mind up, Greg!
I'm sorry, mate,
I never should have got involved.
SHE LAUGHS
No shit!
Front of the line, Meg.
Red panda raid boss
in three minutes and counting.
So, Greg...
I was thinking, maybe tonight we go
big picture on the mum staff
and then tomorrow maybe
crack a Magners
and really get into the weeds?
We don't have to talk,
we could just...
We could just cuddle.
SHE CHUCKLES
Right.
OK, yeah, a quick cuddle then.
A quick three minute cuddle.
Meg, we're up. It's raiding time.
IT ROARS
Meg? Meg?
Em...
I'm really, really sorry, Greg,
I'm just going to have to slide...
Just going to have to slide out,
sorry. Sorry, Greg. Just...
GREG SIGHS
Stupid...
Hey.
Fuck! She just bailed.
We'll get smashed!
There's only two of us
and I'm fucking useless.
Dr Larry, you're up.
I don't know how, Usman.
Listen, I came here today
to talk about my intimacy issues
and to conquer my demons.
How about we conquer
a large panda instead?
No, Daisy, get back.
I've got blockhead virus.
I might be infectious.
I know, and guess what?
Oh, my God. Daisy.
At least we can be together now.
In here, alone,
where no-one else can see.
Because I was going to say, Nicky,
would you be into, like,
laying down and stuff?
OK, then.
Is this OK, Nicky?
It's more than OK. It's, em...
SENSUAL MOANING
THEY GIGGLE
Oh, crumbs! Oh, crumpets! Wow!
Crumbs. OK!
Crumbs. Yup!
Oh!
SENSUAL MOANING
HE GULPS
Russell, stay loose. I'll tech.
OK, Dr Larry,
when I say, hit right trigger, A.
IT ROARS
IT GROWLS
Usman, mate, I think
he's going to kill you.
Usman, my professional advice
is that you should fall back.
Now, Dr Larry. Right trigger, A.
Yes, we did it, bud!
Holy shit, we did it!
How does this feel, Usman?
I don't know. Safe?
And how would you feel about going
home and holding Zara like this?
OK, I guess.
So I'll divide the loot up
when I get home and deposit the gold
and the armour into your inventory.
Good day.
HE LAUGHS
It looks like he's jerking off!
# 5, 4
# 3, 2, 1. #
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