Dead Pixels (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Big Nose - full transcript
Meg starts live streaming from Kingdom Scrolls, but Alison worries she won't make a living from it.
Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!
Oh, God! Nicky!
Nicky!
- Big Nose is dead.
- What are you talking about?
He was- he was livestreaming and he went
out for a smoke and he never came back.
- He's dead.
- Right - but like, game dead.
No. Uh-huh. Like, dead dead.
What do you mean, dead dead?
Like- like, actually dead.
Right, but in the game.
No, in the world.
Big Nose, beloved Kingdom Scrolls
YouTuber, is dead?
That's what I'm saying.
- But, like, game dead?
- No. Ummgh. Not game dead, Nicky.
He's dead like, er, Roald Dahl.
Dead like, uh, Bruce Lee.
Dead like Gandhi!
- Is Gandhi dead?
- That's what I'm saying.
[SCOFFS]
OK, then, Meg.
So his heart's just stopped, has it?
- Yeah.
- And his brain... I suppose that's just gone too?
- [POOFS]
- Yeah.
And we can't go revive him
with a healing glyph, obviously,
because, like you say, he's dead?
- Nicky, he really is dead.
- Yeah! No, sure.
I know he is, Meg.
Big Nose is dead.
And so are we!
We're all just so fucking dead.
Oh, God! How am I going to drink
my decaf Americano now that I'm a ghost?
- [GAGS]
- Mate,
[GAGS]
I know you enjoyed
watching his livestreams.
We all did. He was a presence
in both of our lives
but he's gone.
We're gathering out in the desert.
We're going to light a beacon for him.
Nicky...
Big Nose... is dead.
Hmm.
Coffee on my shoes.
[PLAINTIVE MUSIC]
[RUSSEL] ...And he was who?
[USMAN] He was Big Nose.
The greatest Kingdom Scrolls
livestreamer of his generation.
[MEG] He had such a big nose.
Only one thing bigger than his nose,
and that was his heart.
[NICKY] And the only thing
bigger than his heart
was the blockage that
blocked his heart.
That's what you get for streaming
from your armchair for 16 hours a day.
'Ya get death.
BTW, I probably won't
come online tonight.
Why not?
I don't know. I just don't
feel like playing it tonight.
So? I play this game
every night for five hours
and I go straight to sleep
and I have night terrors.
Vivid night terrors.
And do you know why I do that?
- No.
- Right.
Well... Well, that's what I do.
[MEG] RIP, Big Nose. May your
motherboard be forever defragmented.
[USMAN] Apparently they found a supply
of adult sanitary products in his toilet.
That's how he was able to stream
for so damn long.
Oh, my God!
He went full metal nappy.
[USMAN] Which in a way is
a measure of the man.
Because you hear a lot of chat
about the nappy,
a lot of people giving it all this -
yap, yap, yap.
But to actually do it,
to physically wear a diaper,
that takes actual moral courage.
Well, you pay the cost
to be the boss.
Cos look at all of these people.
And, all right, he was plagued
by health problems -
breathy, couldn't climb a flight of
stairs, reduced to wearing a nappy,
dead at 27, but...
he had 12,000 subscribers.
I bet he never had to work
a day in his life.
[BOSS SLAMS, PATS FILES] Looks like it's
going to be another late one, Meg.
Wait a minute.
[ALERT JINGLE]
Oh, I've got a new subscriber.
Thank you, Professor DumbleDong,
and welcome to the Scroll Hole,
your number one livestream
for all things Kingdom Scrolls.
I'm your host, Meg the Merciless.
- So she's doing what?
- She's streaming.
I'm streaming, Grandma.
So people on the internet are
watching her playing a game?
I know this is obvious
and it's a stupid question,
but why the fuck would they
be doing that?
[MIMES WANKING]
OK, what's he doing?
Is he saying it's wanking?
Because it's not wanking.
Meg, everyone who's watching you
right now is jerking themselves dry.
Bullshit! No-one is doing that.
[ALERT]
Wanking Steve is doing that
but that's his whole thing.
So, you're saying...
you've taken a sabbatical?
This is my job now, Alison.
Do you have any idea how much money
I made yesterday?
?8?
Yes! ?8.
- Nicky told me.
- Right.
It's less than the minimum wage.
But I'm playing a game.
I'm doing something I love.
Look at me -
do I look like I'm working?
You look exactly like
you're working - only longer.
You look like you're working
but longer and for less money.
[NICKY] I did the sums, by the way.
You can't survive on ?8 a day.
[MEG] That's where you're wrong
cos I know a guy
who knew Big Nose
and you know how he did it?
Three words.
Wall of beans.
Right. And what do those words mean,
please?
That's what they found when they
went in there to recover the body.
Just a wall of baked beans.
And he had three cans a day,
every day,
and he could just stream forever -
no job.
[NICKY] That's the dream, Meg.
Eating beans out of a can while
nine people jerk off over you.
Well, I'm thinking of having a party,
tonight actually, so...
if we could keep the bean walls
to an absolute minimum.
OK, we all know what that means.
Alison's having a party,
so can all the subnormal creatures
kindly remain in their bell tower?
I was going to say you should come.
[MEG SCOFFS] It might be good for you.
Yeah!
Like Scientology's good for you.
I asked Briony from your work.
I didn't know you knew Briony.
She's in my yoga class.
And what time is this party?
You're not seriously
considering it?
What, some girl shows up who can wrap
her leg around her neck
and you're ready to end
four years of party boycotts?
I was just asking
And you're going to
have sex with her.
[SCOFFS] Is that what's going
to happen, Nicky?
You're going to take Bendy Girl
from behind, are you?
Let's just take a moment
to visualise that, shall we?
Ooh, you and her. Flexible Briony.
You can't even touch
your fucking toes.
She's right. I've got some crafting
writs to complete anyway, so...
Offer's open.
Off to work, wage slaves.
Enjoy your hamster wheels.
Enjoy the sound
of confused Spanish boys
mauling at their scrawny genitals.
Do you know what, Nicky? If they want
to jerk, then I say, let them jerk.
[MAKES JERKING SOUNDS]
Nicky. Can I have a word?
Sure. What's up?
No, it's nothing. We've just had
a couple of comments.
You've been talking about
death a lot.
Have I? I don't...
I don't think I have.
You raised it
at the end of a meeting
under Any Other Business.
You said, "What about
the inevitability of death?"
- Yeah. As a joke.
- Oh!
As a satirical joke about death.
I just wanted to make sure
that you're feeling OK.
Absolutely tippity-top, thanks.
They're trying to
freeze Big Nose.
What's that?
Apparently he believed
in cryogenics.
So they're doing a Kickstarter.
#freezeBigNose
They're trying to freeze Big Nose
because he's Gandhi dead.
Hot.
Erm...
[MEG] I've just taken delivery
of one pallet of catering beans.
Nice big cans.
That is a lot of bean for your buck.
So, guys, I'm just going to go
pop a can.
I'll be right back.
[USMAN] Dude, I cannot believe
I just watched your livestream
for nine straight hours.
- I know. It is pretty compelling.
- It's totally compelling.
And so fucking boring.
I've just watched the whole thing
from 10pm right through the night
and I cannot remember
a single thing that happened.
It's totally fucking boring
and I love it!
[DOOR CLOSES, KEYS JINGLE]
- What are you doing home?
- Oh, funny story, actually.
Uh, I talked about death so much
around the office they sent me home
for some "rest."
[CHUCKLES]
- Oh, right.
- It is hilarious.
I thought I'd just come home
and log on for a bit.
I'm going to pick up all the leaves
at Kingdom Scrolls.
All of them.
I'm going to pick up
all the leaves, Meg.
Well, you basically seem fine,
so I shan't pry.
[USMAN] Better leave for work. Might need
a cheeky Red Bull before I clock on,
otherwise...
[SNORES]
"Oh, God! He's asleep
at the controls! Arrgh!"
What is it you actually do, Usman?
Oh, I'm a pilot.
How do you mean?
I'm a pilot. Of planes.
You're a pilot of... of planes?
I know, right? It's insane.
Usman's a pilot!
What sort of pilot?
A pilot of planes.
Usman's a pilot of planes?
But, like, cargo?
No, no - commercial.
The old human cargo.
Yep - 200 poor souls, God bless 'em.
I'm sorry - is this real?
Oh, it is frighteningly real.
Sometimes I catch myself and I'm
like, "Dude, I'm flying a plane."
He's a pilot of people planes.
People planes?
It's a crazy, crazy world.
I mean, it's only internals,
the old short-hops.
They'd never let me loose
on internationals - God no.
I don't have the attention span.
I'd probably just start
staring at the clouds
as I plummet into the Atlantic.
Craaaahhh! Psshhh!
-You never said.
- You never asked.
But I had a couple of months off
with stress,
says he, quietly levelling up
a second character.
Are you sure you should be flying?
You haven't slept.
I'll be fine.
I can basically do it
with my eyes closed,
which is lucky because
that's what I intend on doing.
[SNORES]
[LOGOFF JINGLE]
He shouldn't be flying.
- He hasn't slept. I need to do something!
- Like what?
Call air traffic control?
This is all my fault.
My livestream is
basically so compelling
that 200 people are going to die.
Huh! No, just it's funny because I came
home to stop thinking about death
and yet - oh, hello.
Ooh, catering beans.
Don't mind if I do.
Good.
[MELLOW DANCE MUSIC]
[CROWD CHATTING]
- Meg? People are arriving if you want...
- I'm streaming.
This is my cocoon
that covers my contours.
Totally jerk-proof. I'd like to see
them get off over this.
I thought you said, "Let them jerk."
The thing is, they tend to take that
as an open invitation.
- It just gets silly.
- Mm.
Jesus, Alison!
Why is there so much bosoms?
They're not bosoms, Meg.
They're tits and they're out
because I'm having a party,
so would you like to shed your
cocoon and come out of your room?
I can't. I'm doing
a kind of Simon Schama walking tour
of the Ninth Kingdom.
But it's fun, because you know
the Pools of Empowerment?
-No, but you'll...
- Every time we pass a Pool of Empowerment,
I have to drink mead from a horn.
OK. You know, I try to be supportive
of your choices, Meg, I really do.
Face it, Alison.
This party in here is way more real
- than that fake party you're having out there.
- Sure. I mean
in one sense, it isn't...
[ALERT JINGLE]
Oh, my God! No way! Oh, my God!
Professor DumbleDong's
just given me 500 quid.
What, seriously?
A complete stranger
has given me half a thousand pounds.
I'm never going to work again, Alison.
I'm objectively interesting
in the eyes of a man who can't
possibly be masturbating over me.
More mead, Vicar? Don't mind if I do.
Great. I'll just leave you
to drink mead in the dark.
[MEG LAUGHS]
Let's see what's behind
door number two. [SLAMS DOOR]
Hey, Nicky. I thought maybe you
might like to come out to the party.
I can't actually, Alison.
I've got quite a lot more
leaves to pick up.
And when I'm finished,
I'm going to plant some shrubs.
You know, like gardening?
I'm going to garden.
I'm on gardening leave, so I'm going
to make a really nice garden.
Are you definitely OK, Nicky? Because
you keep saying the word garden.
Are you sure you're not,
maybe, grieving?
- Grieving who?
- You know.
- Nappy Man.
- OK, that's what I'm doing, Alison.
I'm grieving the Nappy Man.
Great.
You're sweeping up fake leaves
and Meg's drinking mead out of a
horn with a pillowcase on her head,
so there's no possible way
this could look fucking weird. Bye.
[MEG] Oh, some giant rats
eating a dead cow.
All part of the Kingdom's
rich ecosystem.
Don't have a cow, man. Oh, too late!
They just did!
- Russell, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
Having you been paying girls
to jiggle their knockers again?
Er...
[MEG] Right, streamers,
who wants to see a man
in the throes
of an existential crisis?
Me. I do.
[USMAN] PopsicleInYourButt,
coming back at you.
So guess where I am right now?
I'll give you a clue.
Doors to manual.
This is your captain speaking.
Snakes on a plane.
Holy shit! Usman, are you flying?
Currently cruising at a speed of 426 knots.
Oh, my God!
I was sat here, autopilot on,
and I thought,
I wonder what's going on
with Meg's livestream?
Usman! Shouldn't you be concentrating
on flying?
It's all in hand. Beep, beep, beep.
Oh, my God, she's going down!
Just kidding.
That beeping sound was me.
[NICKY] Holy shit.
No, wait a minute. I'm stuck.
[USMAN] So jump.
[NICKY] I am jumping! It's glitched.
I can't move.
Dude, just kill yourself
and start again.
I can't do that
cos then all the leaves will reset
and I'll have to start over again,
obviously.
[MEG] OK, Nicky, so everyone
watching my livestream thinks
you should kill yourself.
They were just saying,
"Suicide!"
"Suicide! Suicide!"
over and over again, like that.
Just kill yourself, dude.
I don't want to die.
[MEG] I know but you're not
getting out of there
and what else have you got
to live for, really?
I mean, where's all this going,
Nicky?
Sorry, are we still talking
about the game?
My leaves! What am I doing?
Seriously. Big Nose is dead.
He died and I'm alive
and doing what?
Friday night and I'm quite literally
stuck in a rut.
Whoa. Bullshit. No, I'm off.
[MEG] Where?
The party, Meg. I'm going
to the fucking party.
[MEG] No way. You don't have the nuts.
- No?
Well, it looks like I just grew
a pair of giant macadamias.
[LEAVES RUSTLE, THUD]
Nicky?
NICKY!
[USMAN] Holy shit.
I think he just did it.
Why is that red?
[MUSIC THUMPING]
[BRIONY] Nicky! Hi!
Briony. One second.
I just need to...
Too much. That's just too much.
Oh, my God.
[FLUSHING]
Jesus Christ!
[KNOCKING]
It's Briony. Are you OK in there?
Fine, thanks.
I'm trapped in the toilet.
Someone left something in the pan
and it won't go down
and there's a girl outside
and she's going to think it's mine.
Why won't it go down?
- It's not flushing.
- Check the cistern.
There's nothing in the tank.
I've got to fill it.
[USMAN] Everyone, as you can
see, we've had to illuminate
the fasten seatbelt sign.
Just a bit of turbulence, folks.
Nothing to worry about.
[KNOCKING]
Nicky, it's Alison.
Nicky, is everything OK?
It won't flush away! Why is it so buoyant?
So take the turd and mash it up.
- With what?
There's no toilet brush.
Mash it up with...
No, that's mine.
[KNOCKING]
Nicky? Nicky!
[KNOCKING] Nicky!!
[KNOCKING] Nicky, please
can you let us in?
[KNOCKING] There's a queue.
People are waiting.
[MOUTHS SORRY]
I couldn't slice it up with this, could I?
[KNOCKING]
Nicky, you've had your time, now.
[KNOCKING]
[KNOCKING]
Nicky?
[KNOCKING]
Nicky? [POUNDING]
Nicky, please just open the door.
[USMAN] Wait - new idea.
Grab the turd, throw
it out the window.
What? That's fucking madness!
Nah, it's a good idea, bro.
It's solid.
Look, I'm getting a thumbs-up from
my co-pilot, Jared. He likes it.
- I'm not manhandling a human turd.
- You're right. That could get messy.
Put your socks on your hands,
then grab the turd
and throw it out the window.
Yeah, I'm getting thumbs-up
from all three cabin crew here, Nicky.
This is a great solution.
[KNOCKING] Nicky, can you hurry up?
Judy's not feeling well.
OK. Something is rotten
in the state of Denmark.
And I've done what I can with it,
truly I have,
but it won't... It just won't.
Sorry, Nicky - what the fuck
are you talking about?
Behold.
[EVERYONE]
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no.
- That is so wrong.
- It's like a pet shop.
Oh, a Pool of Empowerment. I think
we all know what that means.
Hashtag I feel the need.
The need for mead.
Mm! Russell!
This is Cara, Russell's mum.
- He'd like his ?500 back, please.
- What?
[MEG] It was Russel.
- Sorry, love. Look, he does this sometimes.
Last year he fell in love
with a cam girl from Guernsey
and he ended up buying her
a fucking jet ski.
Right. I'll send it all back.
Wait, where's everyone else going?
Oh! Come on! I haven't finished
showing you around.
This is Meg the Merciless
livestreaming from Alison's party.
We are relaunching the stream.
Girl, girl, boy, music.
So far, so fucking predictable.
She's eating all of the crisps.
She's taking a photo of her own face.
I fancy this guy
but he clearly won't talk to me.
- What are you doing?
- OK, now he's talking to me.
Let's listen in on what he's saying.
Oh, classic! He's got nothing to say.
- I told you he wouldn't want to talk to me.
- I just asked you what you were doing.
OK, now he's talking to me again.
This is absolutely vintage.
You realise
that no-one's watching you?
Huh, OK, Scrollers.
Hot Guy has quite correctly
pointed out that you've all gone,
which basically means that
I'm just walking round the party
quite loudly narrating to myself.
Suffice to say, I've completely
blown it with Hot Guy.
So I'm just waiting
for him to confirm.
- No, it's definitely not on.
- Yeah, definitely not, so, on we go.
- Hey, Alison, how's it going?
- Good, thanks.
I think we're going to wind it up
pretty soon.
The common consensus seems to be
that your turd has
pretty much ruined the party.
- It wasn't my turd, Alison.
- Sure it wasn't, Nicky.
It's just funny how we were
all having so much fun
and then... Hmm.
Ahem.
Everyone, can I just...?
The shit was mine. I did it. Me.
Not him. He's no monster.
That disgusting clump
of intensely buoyant matter
came out of this arsehole,
and I don't care who knows it.
Because I don't need validation
from you,
and I don't need validation
from some wanking chimps in Spain.
I make my own reality in my own room
every night
and in fact, I'm going to go
and do it again right now.
Ah! Back in the bell tower.
Yeah, finally. The bells! The bells!
So, Usman, what's happening?
Er, nothing much. I should probably
get back to the day job.
[INTERCOM BLEEPS]
Hey, everyone, this is your captain speaking.
We're about to make our descent
into Forth Worth
so I'm now asking aircraft's personnel
to prepare the cabin...
Holy fuck,
I'm being attacked by a bear!
Ladies and gentlemen, you may have
overheard some, uh, radio chatter just then.
Everything is
completely under control.
Like I say, we'll be coming to land
at Fort Worth in...
approximately... Holy shit,
there's another one! Jared!
[MEG] Where are these fucking bears
[NICKY] I've got him.
Oh, God! Nicky!
Nicky!
- Big Nose is dead.
- What are you talking about?
He was- he was livestreaming and he went
out for a smoke and he never came back.
- He's dead.
- Right - but like, game dead.
No. Uh-huh. Like, dead dead.
What do you mean, dead dead?
Like- like, actually dead.
Right, but in the game.
No, in the world.
Big Nose, beloved Kingdom Scrolls
YouTuber, is dead?
That's what I'm saying.
- But, like, game dead?
- No. Ummgh. Not game dead, Nicky.
He's dead like, er, Roald Dahl.
Dead like, uh, Bruce Lee.
Dead like Gandhi!
- Is Gandhi dead?
- That's what I'm saying.
[SCOFFS]
OK, then, Meg.
So his heart's just stopped, has it?
- Yeah.
- And his brain... I suppose that's just gone too?
- [POOFS]
- Yeah.
And we can't go revive him
with a healing glyph, obviously,
because, like you say, he's dead?
- Nicky, he really is dead.
- Yeah! No, sure.
I know he is, Meg.
Big Nose is dead.
And so are we!
We're all just so fucking dead.
Oh, God! How am I going to drink
my decaf Americano now that I'm a ghost?
- [GAGS]
- Mate,
[GAGS]
I know you enjoyed
watching his livestreams.
We all did. He was a presence
in both of our lives
but he's gone.
We're gathering out in the desert.
We're going to light a beacon for him.
Nicky...
Big Nose... is dead.
Hmm.
Coffee on my shoes.
[PLAINTIVE MUSIC]
[RUSSEL] ...And he was who?
[USMAN] He was Big Nose.
The greatest Kingdom Scrolls
livestreamer of his generation.
[MEG] He had such a big nose.
Only one thing bigger than his nose,
and that was his heart.
[NICKY] And the only thing
bigger than his heart
was the blockage that
blocked his heart.
That's what you get for streaming
from your armchair for 16 hours a day.
'Ya get death.
BTW, I probably won't
come online tonight.
Why not?
I don't know. I just don't
feel like playing it tonight.
So? I play this game
every night for five hours
and I go straight to sleep
and I have night terrors.
Vivid night terrors.
And do you know why I do that?
- No.
- Right.
Well... Well, that's what I do.
[MEG] RIP, Big Nose. May your
motherboard be forever defragmented.
[USMAN] Apparently they found a supply
of adult sanitary products in his toilet.
That's how he was able to stream
for so damn long.
Oh, my God!
He went full metal nappy.
[USMAN] Which in a way is
a measure of the man.
Because you hear a lot of chat
about the nappy,
a lot of people giving it all this -
yap, yap, yap.
But to actually do it,
to physically wear a diaper,
that takes actual moral courage.
Well, you pay the cost
to be the boss.
Cos look at all of these people.
And, all right, he was plagued
by health problems -
breathy, couldn't climb a flight of
stairs, reduced to wearing a nappy,
dead at 27, but...
he had 12,000 subscribers.
I bet he never had to work
a day in his life.
[BOSS SLAMS, PATS FILES] Looks like it's
going to be another late one, Meg.
Wait a minute.
[ALERT JINGLE]
Oh, I've got a new subscriber.
Thank you, Professor DumbleDong,
and welcome to the Scroll Hole,
your number one livestream
for all things Kingdom Scrolls.
I'm your host, Meg the Merciless.
- So she's doing what?
- She's streaming.
I'm streaming, Grandma.
So people on the internet are
watching her playing a game?
I know this is obvious
and it's a stupid question,
but why the fuck would they
be doing that?
[MIMES WANKING]
OK, what's he doing?
Is he saying it's wanking?
Because it's not wanking.
Meg, everyone who's watching you
right now is jerking themselves dry.
Bullshit! No-one is doing that.
[ALERT]
Wanking Steve is doing that
but that's his whole thing.
So, you're saying...
you've taken a sabbatical?
This is my job now, Alison.
Do you have any idea how much money
I made yesterday?
?8?
Yes! ?8.
- Nicky told me.
- Right.
It's less than the minimum wage.
But I'm playing a game.
I'm doing something I love.
Look at me -
do I look like I'm working?
You look exactly like
you're working - only longer.
You look like you're working
but longer and for less money.
[NICKY] I did the sums, by the way.
You can't survive on ?8 a day.
[MEG] That's where you're wrong
cos I know a guy
who knew Big Nose
and you know how he did it?
Three words.
Wall of beans.
Right. And what do those words mean,
please?
That's what they found when they
went in there to recover the body.
Just a wall of baked beans.
And he had three cans a day,
every day,
and he could just stream forever -
no job.
[NICKY] That's the dream, Meg.
Eating beans out of a can while
nine people jerk off over you.
Well, I'm thinking of having a party,
tonight actually, so...
if we could keep the bean walls
to an absolute minimum.
OK, we all know what that means.
Alison's having a party,
so can all the subnormal creatures
kindly remain in their bell tower?
I was going to say you should come.
[MEG SCOFFS] It might be good for you.
Yeah!
Like Scientology's good for you.
I asked Briony from your work.
I didn't know you knew Briony.
She's in my yoga class.
And what time is this party?
You're not seriously
considering it?
What, some girl shows up who can wrap
her leg around her neck
and you're ready to end
four years of party boycotts?
I was just asking
And you're going to
have sex with her.
[SCOFFS] Is that what's going
to happen, Nicky?
You're going to take Bendy Girl
from behind, are you?
Let's just take a moment
to visualise that, shall we?
Ooh, you and her. Flexible Briony.
You can't even touch
your fucking toes.
She's right. I've got some crafting
writs to complete anyway, so...
Offer's open.
Off to work, wage slaves.
Enjoy your hamster wheels.
Enjoy the sound
of confused Spanish boys
mauling at their scrawny genitals.
Do you know what, Nicky? If they want
to jerk, then I say, let them jerk.
[MAKES JERKING SOUNDS]
Nicky. Can I have a word?
Sure. What's up?
No, it's nothing. We've just had
a couple of comments.
You've been talking about
death a lot.
Have I? I don't...
I don't think I have.
You raised it
at the end of a meeting
under Any Other Business.
You said, "What about
the inevitability of death?"
- Yeah. As a joke.
- Oh!
As a satirical joke about death.
I just wanted to make sure
that you're feeling OK.
Absolutely tippity-top, thanks.
They're trying to
freeze Big Nose.
What's that?
Apparently he believed
in cryogenics.
So they're doing a Kickstarter.
#freezeBigNose
They're trying to freeze Big Nose
because he's Gandhi dead.
Hot.
Erm...
[MEG] I've just taken delivery
of one pallet of catering beans.
Nice big cans.
That is a lot of bean for your buck.
So, guys, I'm just going to go
pop a can.
I'll be right back.
[USMAN] Dude, I cannot believe
I just watched your livestream
for nine straight hours.
- I know. It is pretty compelling.
- It's totally compelling.
And so fucking boring.
I've just watched the whole thing
from 10pm right through the night
and I cannot remember
a single thing that happened.
It's totally fucking boring
and I love it!
[DOOR CLOSES, KEYS JINGLE]
- What are you doing home?
- Oh, funny story, actually.
Uh, I talked about death so much
around the office they sent me home
for some "rest."
[CHUCKLES]
- Oh, right.
- It is hilarious.
I thought I'd just come home
and log on for a bit.
I'm going to pick up all the leaves
at Kingdom Scrolls.
All of them.
I'm going to pick up
all the leaves, Meg.
Well, you basically seem fine,
so I shan't pry.
[USMAN] Better leave for work. Might need
a cheeky Red Bull before I clock on,
otherwise...
[SNORES]
"Oh, God! He's asleep
at the controls! Arrgh!"
What is it you actually do, Usman?
Oh, I'm a pilot.
How do you mean?
I'm a pilot. Of planes.
You're a pilot of... of planes?
I know, right? It's insane.
Usman's a pilot!
What sort of pilot?
A pilot of planes.
Usman's a pilot of planes?
But, like, cargo?
No, no - commercial.
The old human cargo.
Yep - 200 poor souls, God bless 'em.
I'm sorry - is this real?
Oh, it is frighteningly real.
Sometimes I catch myself and I'm
like, "Dude, I'm flying a plane."
He's a pilot of people planes.
People planes?
It's a crazy, crazy world.
I mean, it's only internals,
the old short-hops.
They'd never let me loose
on internationals - God no.
I don't have the attention span.
I'd probably just start
staring at the clouds
as I plummet into the Atlantic.
Craaaahhh! Psshhh!
-You never said.
- You never asked.
But I had a couple of months off
with stress,
says he, quietly levelling up
a second character.
Are you sure you should be flying?
You haven't slept.
I'll be fine.
I can basically do it
with my eyes closed,
which is lucky because
that's what I intend on doing.
[SNORES]
[LOGOFF JINGLE]
He shouldn't be flying.
- He hasn't slept. I need to do something!
- Like what?
Call air traffic control?
This is all my fault.
My livestream is
basically so compelling
that 200 people are going to die.
Huh! No, just it's funny because I came
home to stop thinking about death
and yet - oh, hello.
Ooh, catering beans.
Don't mind if I do.
Good.
[MELLOW DANCE MUSIC]
[CROWD CHATTING]
- Meg? People are arriving if you want...
- I'm streaming.
This is my cocoon
that covers my contours.
Totally jerk-proof. I'd like to see
them get off over this.
I thought you said, "Let them jerk."
The thing is, they tend to take that
as an open invitation.
- It just gets silly.
- Mm.
Jesus, Alison!
Why is there so much bosoms?
They're not bosoms, Meg.
They're tits and they're out
because I'm having a party,
so would you like to shed your
cocoon and come out of your room?
I can't. I'm doing
a kind of Simon Schama walking tour
of the Ninth Kingdom.
But it's fun, because you know
the Pools of Empowerment?
-No, but you'll...
- Every time we pass a Pool of Empowerment,
I have to drink mead from a horn.
OK. You know, I try to be supportive
of your choices, Meg, I really do.
Face it, Alison.
This party in here is way more real
- than that fake party you're having out there.
- Sure. I mean
in one sense, it isn't...
[ALERT JINGLE]
Oh, my God! No way! Oh, my God!
Professor DumbleDong's
just given me 500 quid.
What, seriously?
A complete stranger
has given me half a thousand pounds.
I'm never going to work again, Alison.
I'm objectively interesting
in the eyes of a man who can't
possibly be masturbating over me.
More mead, Vicar? Don't mind if I do.
Great. I'll just leave you
to drink mead in the dark.
[MEG LAUGHS]
Let's see what's behind
door number two. [SLAMS DOOR]
Hey, Nicky. I thought maybe you
might like to come out to the party.
I can't actually, Alison.
I've got quite a lot more
leaves to pick up.
And when I'm finished,
I'm going to plant some shrubs.
You know, like gardening?
I'm going to garden.
I'm on gardening leave, so I'm going
to make a really nice garden.
Are you definitely OK, Nicky? Because
you keep saying the word garden.
Are you sure you're not,
maybe, grieving?
- Grieving who?
- You know.
- Nappy Man.
- OK, that's what I'm doing, Alison.
I'm grieving the Nappy Man.
Great.
You're sweeping up fake leaves
and Meg's drinking mead out of a
horn with a pillowcase on her head,
so there's no possible way
this could look fucking weird. Bye.
[MEG] Oh, some giant rats
eating a dead cow.
All part of the Kingdom's
rich ecosystem.
Don't have a cow, man. Oh, too late!
They just did!
- Russell, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
Having you been paying girls
to jiggle their knockers again?
Er...
[MEG] Right, streamers,
who wants to see a man
in the throes
of an existential crisis?
Me. I do.
[USMAN] PopsicleInYourButt,
coming back at you.
So guess where I am right now?
I'll give you a clue.
Doors to manual.
This is your captain speaking.
Snakes on a plane.
Holy shit! Usman, are you flying?
Currently cruising at a speed of 426 knots.
Oh, my God!
I was sat here, autopilot on,
and I thought,
I wonder what's going on
with Meg's livestream?
Usman! Shouldn't you be concentrating
on flying?
It's all in hand. Beep, beep, beep.
Oh, my God, she's going down!
Just kidding.
That beeping sound was me.
[NICKY] Holy shit.
No, wait a minute. I'm stuck.
[USMAN] So jump.
[NICKY] I am jumping! It's glitched.
I can't move.
Dude, just kill yourself
and start again.
I can't do that
cos then all the leaves will reset
and I'll have to start over again,
obviously.
[MEG] OK, Nicky, so everyone
watching my livestream thinks
you should kill yourself.
They were just saying,
"Suicide!"
"Suicide! Suicide!"
over and over again, like that.
Just kill yourself, dude.
I don't want to die.
[MEG] I know but you're not
getting out of there
and what else have you got
to live for, really?
I mean, where's all this going,
Nicky?
Sorry, are we still talking
about the game?
My leaves! What am I doing?
Seriously. Big Nose is dead.
He died and I'm alive
and doing what?
Friday night and I'm quite literally
stuck in a rut.
Whoa. Bullshit. No, I'm off.
[MEG] Where?
The party, Meg. I'm going
to the fucking party.
[MEG] No way. You don't have the nuts.
- No?
Well, it looks like I just grew
a pair of giant macadamias.
[LEAVES RUSTLE, THUD]
Nicky?
NICKY!
[USMAN] Holy shit.
I think he just did it.
Why is that red?
[MUSIC THUMPING]
[BRIONY] Nicky! Hi!
Briony. One second.
I just need to...
Too much. That's just too much.
Oh, my God.
[FLUSHING]
Jesus Christ!
[KNOCKING]
It's Briony. Are you OK in there?
Fine, thanks.
I'm trapped in the toilet.
Someone left something in the pan
and it won't go down
and there's a girl outside
and she's going to think it's mine.
Why won't it go down?
- It's not flushing.
- Check the cistern.
There's nothing in the tank.
I've got to fill it.
[USMAN] Everyone, as you can
see, we've had to illuminate
the fasten seatbelt sign.
Just a bit of turbulence, folks.
Nothing to worry about.
[KNOCKING]
Nicky, it's Alison.
Nicky, is everything OK?
It won't flush away! Why is it so buoyant?
So take the turd and mash it up.
- With what?
There's no toilet brush.
Mash it up with...
No, that's mine.
[KNOCKING]
Nicky? Nicky!
[KNOCKING] Nicky!!
[KNOCKING] Nicky, please
can you let us in?
[KNOCKING] There's a queue.
People are waiting.
[MOUTHS SORRY]
I couldn't slice it up with this, could I?
[KNOCKING]
Nicky, you've had your time, now.
[KNOCKING]
[KNOCKING]
Nicky?
[KNOCKING]
Nicky? [POUNDING]
Nicky, please just open the door.
[USMAN] Wait - new idea.
Grab the turd, throw
it out the window.
What? That's fucking madness!
Nah, it's a good idea, bro.
It's solid.
Look, I'm getting a thumbs-up from
my co-pilot, Jared. He likes it.
- I'm not manhandling a human turd.
- You're right. That could get messy.
Put your socks on your hands,
then grab the turd
and throw it out the window.
Yeah, I'm getting thumbs-up
from all three cabin crew here, Nicky.
This is a great solution.
[KNOCKING] Nicky, can you hurry up?
Judy's not feeling well.
OK. Something is rotten
in the state of Denmark.
And I've done what I can with it,
truly I have,
but it won't... It just won't.
Sorry, Nicky - what the fuck
are you talking about?
Behold.
[EVERYONE]
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no.
- That is so wrong.
- It's like a pet shop.
Oh, a Pool of Empowerment. I think
we all know what that means.
Hashtag I feel the need.
The need for mead.
Mm! Russell!
This is Cara, Russell's mum.
- He'd like his ?500 back, please.
- What?
[MEG] It was Russel.
- Sorry, love. Look, he does this sometimes.
Last year he fell in love
with a cam girl from Guernsey
and he ended up buying her
a fucking jet ski.
Right. I'll send it all back.
Wait, where's everyone else going?
Oh! Come on! I haven't finished
showing you around.
This is Meg the Merciless
livestreaming from Alison's party.
We are relaunching the stream.
Girl, girl, boy, music.
So far, so fucking predictable.
She's eating all of the crisps.
She's taking a photo of her own face.
I fancy this guy
but he clearly won't talk to me.
- What are you doing?
- OK, now he's talking to me.
Let's listen in on what he's saying.
Oh, classic! He's got nothing to say.
- I told you he wouldn't want to talk to me.
- I just asked you what you were doing.
OK, now he's talking to me again.
This is absolutely vintage.
You realise
that no-one's watching you?
Huh, OK, Scrollers.
Hot Guy has quite correctly
pointed out that you've all gone,
which basically means that
I'm just walking round the party
quite loudly narrating to myself.
Suffice to say, I've completely
blown it with Hot Guy.
So I'm just waiting
for him to confirm.
- No, it's definitely not on.
- Yeah, definitely not, so, on we go.
- Hey, Alison, how's it going?
- Good, thanks.
I think we're going to wind it up
pretty soon.
The common consensus seems to be
that your turd has
pretty much ruined the party.
- It wasn't my turd, Alison.
- Sure it wasn't, Nicky.
It's just funny how we were
all having so much fun
and then... Hmm.
Ahem.
Everyone, can I just...?
The shit was mine. I did it. Me.
Not him. He's no monster.
That disgusting clump
of intensely buoyant matter
came out of this arsehole,
and I don't care who knows it.
Because I don't need validation
from you,
and I don't need validation
from some wanking chimps in Spain.
I make my own reality in my own room
every night
and in fact, I'm going to go
and do it again right now.
Ah! Back in the bell tower.
Yeah, finally. The bells! The bells!
So, Usman, what's happening?
Er, nothing much. I should probably
get back to the day job.
[INTERCOM BLEEPS]
Hey, everyone, this is your captain speaking.
We're about to make our descent
into Forth Worth
so I'm now asking aircraft's personnel
to prepare the cabin...
Holy fuck,
I'm being attacked by a bear!
Ladies and gentlemen, you may have
overheard some, uh, radio chatter just then.
Everything is
completely under control.
Like I say, we'll be coming to land
at Fort Worth in...
approximately... Holy shit,
there's another one! Jared!
[MEG] Where are these fucking bears
[NICKY] I've got him.