Dead Pixels (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Tanadaal - full transcript
A movie version of Kingdom Scrolls has been announced, but Meg and Nicky are not happy with the casting.
EERIE INTRO MUSIC
TRIP HOP BEAT
CAR HORNS BEEP
You ever shit in a bucket?
Sorry, what did you say?
You heard me, sweetheart.
I see you and your Metroid t-shirt,
with your geek-girl glasses
and cute little Pac-Man keychain.
I see you, girl.
So let me ask you again,
have you ever shit in a bucket?
Because I have.
Twice. Once playing EverQuest
and then again playing
Shogun: Total War. I had bad guts!
Right. Sorry to hear that.
What was the last game you completed?
Full completion.
And if it was an 8-bit
and you played it on an emulator,
then save states don't count.
I-I'm not sure...
"Erm, erm, I'm not sure!"
And yet, here you are at a bus stop
looking all cute.
"Oh, everyone, look at me,
I'm a gamer!"
Do you know what this is?
This is cultural appropriation.
Because I did my business into a
bucket and I slung it out of a window
and into the privets.
I would do it again, in a heartbeat,
if the game demanded,
because that's hard-core.
Slave to the game.
Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.
TRIP HOP BEAT
CREATURES ROAR
SHE GASPS
Yeah!
Right, mission complete.
Cut sequence.
I must insist on absolute silence.
"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal,
bring urgent news from the Citadel.
"Your hive mother is gestating."
Shit the bath!
She's fucking pregnant!
"Soon she will spawn the mightiest
army the kingdom has ever seen
"and her genocidal plan to cleanse
the outer rim will be completed."
Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky?
DIALOGUE SKIPS
Yeah. Taking it all in.
Just drinking it in.
Ooh, items! Apparently,
if I collect all 50 crystal acorns,
I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.
Sounds pathetic. I must have it!
"The Jade Knot is in debt to you,
young warrior. Yaah!"
HORSES NEIGH
"Guys,
there's gonna be an announcement
about the Kingdom Scrolls movie."
They're casting Vince Vaughn
as Tanadaal.
WHAT? NO!
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
I'm so sorry for your loss. No!
He's too bulky!
He doesn't have the substance!
He's too substantial
and also too insubstantial!
It's all kicked off.
Reddit's basically imploded.
Oh, my God! There was so much
hate speech on there,
one of the moderators
has been signed off with PTSD.
Is this a joke? Seriously,
is it fucking Jester's Day again?
Perfect! No sword play!
No sword play on the resume
of Mr Vince Vaughn!
But I guess that's OK because
he's only playing a barbarian!
Don't even get me started on the
hairline. Tanadaal has a fringe!
A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn
is essentially 95 percent forehead!
Have you seen his hairline
from the Emmys?
His forehead is essentially infinite!
This is an international outrage!
I want to punch someone in the face!
I would punch my cat if I had a cat!
I could kill, like, a person.
If I had a sniper rifle right now,
I'd go and find a vantage point,
squeeze off a clip,
take out a couple of grannies.
Drink myself into a stupor
and get in a fight with an army man.
Pound my thighs
with a camping mallet!
Bang my head against a sheet of
titanium until I forget my own name!
Lock myself into the boot of my car
and just scream!
Swallow a ping pong ball
so I asphyxiate!
Bind my hands behind my back
and then fall out of the loft!
Shave all my hair off and then
eat it from a bowl and just weep!
Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Great, and now the shopping's here.
This day is so fucked!
MEG WEEPS
Great, thanks. Receipt's in the bag,
is it? OK, bye.
"Nicky, hurry up."
"Nicky, hurry up. Come on."
Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need
to put the shopping away.
"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!"
Right, powdered goods there. There.
Sauces there. There.
Bread. Perfect.
"Guys, it's me! Russell!
"I made a new friend. This is
My Mum Died Yesterday. He's Swiss."
"Wait. Your mum died yesterday?"
"Whose mum died yesterday?"
My mom didn't die yesterday.
My mom died in '08.
"No, that's his name -
My Mum Died Yesterday. It's a joke!"
He's mad! He's Swiss!
HOOVER HUMS
Dance.
Come on, everyone, do the dance.
Russell, mate, no-one dances
in Kingdom Scrolls any more.
It's the ultimate dick move.
It's kind of like going to London
and wearing a t-shirt that says
"I Love London".
But it's fun to dance. "Precisely!
If you want fun, go and play
fucking Mario Cart against
some pink-haired girl from Japan.
Otherwise, grab a cudgel
and shut the fuck up!
Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.
Sorry, can I just ask you something?
If you don't enjoy it,
why do you still play it?
Well, that's the enduring mystery.
It's a commitment I made in error
two years ago, which I seem somehow
unable to break free from.
I'm a genie in a bottle,
and no-one's got a bottle opener.
CLATTERING
And now he's stiffed me
with a shitty pear. "Who has?"
The algorithm, Meg.
The giant synthetic brain
that dictates the flow of my life,
because he knows me and he knows
I'm going to eat it anyway.
So here's to the algorithm!
Long may he reign!
Mm! Really revolting!
I found a publicity shot of him
in a western from 2000.
He looks wrong on a horse.
He just does.
I'm really sorry, Meg.
What's happened?
Is everything all right?
Not really.
They cast Vince Vaughn
in the role of Tanadaal
in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
What's wrong with Vince Vaughn?
He's funny.
That movie where he gets the job
at Google...
Because that's what you want
for a character who saw his parents
burnt at the stake,
you want them to be funny.
Nicky, can you...
We're coming to terms with it.
It's still pretty raw.
Well, I'm sorry.
I know how much
these things matter to you and -
Excuse me. "These things"?
I didn't mean it like that.
This is the casting of the lead,
Alison. This affects everyone.
And you needn't think you're safe,
because they came for the remake
of Ghost in the Shell
and I said nothing.
Then they came for the Fantastic 4,
again, and I said nothing.
And then they came
for Kingdom Scrolls.
No. Sure.
I'm annoyed, too, actually.
Cor, that is so annoying!
OK, Alison, you have no idea!
Well, I mean, I know what it's like
to have things not go your way.
Because remember last year
when I went through
that really difficult time?
Oh, yeah. God, that was hard!
So I socialised and I exercised
and I, er, saw that therapist.
You know? Uh-huh. Yeah.
And I talked about everything
and I came through.
My point is, when things get tough,
fight back!
Anyway...
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hi!
Don't wait up!
What the fuck is she on about?
What really tough time? Not like
when she got ill and lost her job?
I've got absolutely no idea!
Anyway, how is that even the same?
Well, what's done is done.
Give it another 20 years
and they'll probably do a reboot.
Yep. Best thing we can do now,
hunker down for two decades
and wait for the reboot.
You know what, Nicky?
We don't have much, you and me,
we lead very thin lives,
but we have this,
and you'd best believe we paid
our dues, motherfucker. Hallelujah.
The days and the weeks and the months
spent in the trenches,
after all of those whoo girls,
the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!"
with the thick-rimmed glasses,
pretending they play FIFA so they can
hoover up all of the hot dick
whilst I'm shitting in a bucket,
and this is the thanks I get?
I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn
as the lead?
Well, I say no more!
Now, are you with me
or are you gonna bend over and take
another mouldy pear up the shitter?
Comrade, I would follow you
into battle any day,
but I think you knew that.
Totally forgot you shat
in that bucket. So badass!
THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn!
Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn!
Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.
Protest. What's the plan?
So, if we get 20,000 signatures,
they have to discuss it
in the House of Commons.
Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer.
Bullshit! I say we dox him.
Hit him where he lives. Find the
address of his production company,
send them a sleeping bag
with a turd in it.
Hang on. Sorry, Meg.
That's meaningless. And unfeasible!
It's entirely feasible.
So, what, you're gonna
buy a sleeping bag from Argos,
do a turd in it,
and then what,
get DHL to courier it to LA?
It'll take three weeks,
probably cost £200.
They'll open it, it won't be Vince,
it'll be the nice girl on reception,
it's only her second week,
she probably won't find the turd,
which'll be all shrivelled up anyway
from all the air travel,
£200 to send a desiccated turd
to an intern! It is just nonsense!
Guys, guys, come on!
Where's the unity?
Sorry, Meg.
We need to work together.
We have a shared message.
Yeah. We repeal Vince Vaughn and
replace him with Michael Fassbender.
Fassbender?! What?
Do you have any idea
how short Fassbender's legs are?
I don't know, Nicky, tell me.
24-inch inside leg,
and that is on very good authority,
and you want him to play the Tall
Man of Blackspire? Fine. Then, who?
Cumberbatch. Oh, you total pussy!
"What?"
Are you a fucking woman, Nicky?
Are you an actual lady
with a VW Beetle and a subscription
to Grazia magazine?
Daddy, Mommy wants you
to hold the ladder for her!
I'll be right there, honey!
Oh, would you lookie here?
I seem to have my fingers crossed.
"Good news. He's on his way!
"My Mum Died Yesterday is coming
to my house. He's mad. He's Swiss."
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is coming to your house?"
"Yeah. We're gonna hang out."
Mad! Swiss!
No. You don't do that, Russell!
You don't invite a man called
My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.
Why not? Ugh! Honestly!
And I'm sorry but I need to ask,
how are you this stupid?
Seriously. Were you raised in the
wild by a troupe of feral morons?
No, I was raised at home
by my mum and Frank.
You don't invite people to your home,
Russell.
He's probably gonna kill you.
Did you even check his profile?
"How do I do that again?" Control-P.
Nah, I'm sure it's fine because...
..14's basically an adult, right?
He's 14?! "I mean,
you can join the army at 14, so...
"Siri, can you join the army at 14?"
Oh, my God, Russell!
You just invited a child
to come and live with you!
Hang on.
He's not coming to live with me.
"Did you even ask his parents?
They'll probably think
you wanna fuck him."
"Why would they think that?"
"Because that's what people like you
do."
"That's not what people like me do,
actually!"
"You groomed him, Russell.
This is grooming."
"I didn't groom him!"
I groomed his horse!
You groomed his horse?
In the stables! We both did!
And how is this going to sound
when it's read aloud in court?
"You groomed a child's horse."
"Daddy, I can't hold the ladder
by myself!"
Russell, as a father,
I happen to know a thing or two
about the welfare of young children.
My point is, you cannot let this boy
in your home.
You see this, Meg? Such a noob!
It's all cool. I'll just call him
and tell him not to come.
LOUD CLATTERING
Honey?
"Honey?"
Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving!
Oh, boy!
METAL CLANGS
OK, what's this now?
I am hitting the statue
with my sword.
And I'm going to keep on
hitting the statue
until such time as they reconsider
the casting of Vince Vaughn.
You're clonking. That's what
you're doing. You're a clonkist.
Pretty effeminate clonking sound,
dude.
It's the sound of progress, Usman.
Well, while you've been clonking,
I've cut a deal
with The Flaming Shitheads.
The Flaming Shitheads? You know
the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming
Shitheads. They're shitheads.
Exactly! They found Vaughn's
contact info from the Sony dump.
We've been hounding him.
Oh, Jesus,
not the turd in a sleeping bag?
Worse! Phone calls, emails.
We're thinking of sending
a cardboard coffin to his house
filled with horrible drawings.
It's my idea. I mean,
it's unpleasant, but it's effective.
She has a point.
If it's clonking or hounding,
I have to go with hounding.
The Flaming Shitheads are racist.
They're a bunch
of alt-right freakos.
They purged the entire wetlands
because they thought
the geese were Jewish.
BIRD CLUCKS
Nicky, I don't know how much you know
about Nelson Mandela,
but I've seen the film
and I happen to know he did
some pretty questionable things.
He threw a hand grenade at...
a school bus. I can remember.
My point is, it's time to fight back!
"Yeah, that's it, angel.
Give Mommy the blue one."
No, the blue one
from the bottle on the side.
"She has two of those
with a glass of water.
You're doing great baby-cakes."
How is your wife, Usman?
Oh, she's a trooper.
And the girls have really rallied.
Daddy! I can't get the bottle open!
You need to push it down
and then twist.
"Push and then twist.
"No, twist."
PILLS RATTLE
OK, honey-bunny, now you got it!
Those girls never fail to amaze me.
Is that him? OK, that's not him.
Otto's not answering his phone
so I'm watching out for him
with binoculars.
Right. So you're trying not to behave
like a paedophile
by watching young boys
through binoculars?
God, this is an absolute minefield!
I should delete my character
and go back to playing hockey.
Sorry, you play hockey?
Oh, yeah. I used to play
for England schoolboys.
But then I got really into cocaine.
Then I found Christianity.
Then I found cocaine again.
And then there was an overlap period
where I was into cocaine and Jesus.
And then I stopped doing that
and then I spent about a year
trolling David Attenborough.
Russell, I just found a small boy
on the driveway.
Shit. OK.
HE PANTS
Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake.
I made friends with him on the game.
I didn't know he was a child.
You need to sort this out.
Look, Mother, I am sorting this out!
We need to turn off all the lights
and hide until he goes back
to Basel.
Bit late for that now, son.
What the...?
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
You let him in!
I couldn't leave him! He's a child,
Russell! A Switzerland boy.
I couldn't just turn him away!
Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum!
No, you're the fucking idiot, son.
I've got to get back to work. What?!
What am I gonna say,
"Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy
back to Switzerland?"
Mum, don't you dare...
No! Do not...
No, Mum!
Mother!
Mother?!
MOTHER?!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Russell's got a boy in his room!
Dude, I don't want to teach you how
to suck eggs, but whatever you do,
do not fuck him.
In fact, you should film yourself
not fucking him, just in case.
Uh-oh.
Where is he? He's gone.
SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES
WATER RUNS
Oh, no.
Oh, Christ, no!
He's in the shower!
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is in my shower!"
There's a nude boy in your house.
"He's already nude?
What is it with you Europeans?"
OK, that's it, you're going to jail.
He hasn't got a towel. What if he
comes out and it's all steamy
and he's looking for a towel
and he's nude and he bumps into me?
You need to get him out of there.
I can't. He's locked the door!
"Lure him out with chocolate." What?
"I mean it, man!"
Get some choc and a piece of string
and just lure him on out of there.
Wait! Forget the choc!
Bust the door down!
"Don't bust the door down!"
You can't bang on a nude boy!
Just get out! Run!
HE WHIMPERS
OK, I'm in the garden!
"Call the cops." "Yeah, but what if
they seize his laptop, though?"
"The chat logs..." "All that talk
of having sex with young boys."
I didn't say that! You said that!
"God, this is really tense."
Will someone tell me what to do?!
"Wait, I got it!
"No, sorry, it's gone.
OK, you're fucked!"
You're on your own, mate. All on
your own with a wet naked child.
I'm kicking him out.
I'm booting him out of the house.
I am.
TENSE MUSIC
HE KNOCKS SOFTLY
Otto, mate? You need to put your
clothes on and leave, please, mate.
"At least half-close your eyes in
case you accidentally see him nude."
SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS
I have your bag.
You need to take it and get out.
Oh, no.
His mum died yesterday.
Well, not yesterday but recently.
His mum died!
Yeah. I mean,
I guess all the clues were there.
"Jesus, he's an orphan."
You're his mummy now, Russell.
CLANGING
"Oh, hey, Nicky."
"What the hell is that?"
"Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn.
I made it with Character Creation
tools.
"I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin
but I think it does the job.
"We're going to string it up by the
cathedral and fire harpoons at it.
"Are you coming?"
"You crossed a line.
"That's basically a hate crime.
You're a war criminal!"
"Suit yourself. Come on, boys!
"Ha! Right in the tit!
"20 gold crowns
if you can get him in the goolies.
"Yes!"
Have you seen the Twitter?
Vince Vaughn's withdrawing
from the role.
What?
No way?
Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true!
# Vince Is Mince!
The nightmare is over!
There's a quote from his PR team.
They said he withdrew from the role
due to, quote,
"Some of the vicious
personal comments online."
THEY GASP
That was me! Some of that was me!
Did they mention the clonking at
all? This might sound a bit grand,
but I've changed the course
of human history! I just have!
Good for you, Meg!
THEY LAUGH
He drove his car into a tree.
What was that?
Apparently, some guy saw him
in a bar looking all sad
and then he got into his car
and, yeah, ploughed into a tree.
I think he's OK.
He split his head open
and lost consciousness
for a few minutes.
Mm.
Right. His daughter's been crying
on Instagram.
I think they're sending him
to a facility,
so he's going to be all right,
but still...
Oh, God! Mm.
What type of tree?
Oak. 32 miles per hour.
Pinned to the wheel.
Neighbours reported squealing,
apparently. Squealing? Squealing.
Vince Vaughn was squealing?
He was squealing, yes.
The star of The Wedding Crashers,
squealing in his Prius.
But I guess that's good for you
because now
he won't be in your movie.
So, yeah.
Yay!
Mm...
SWEEPING MUSIC
"Reports of sustained squealing."
"So it wasn't just a single squeal,
it was sustained."
"Yep. All right, Nicky."
That was you, Meg.
Some of that was you.
Us, Nicky.
Some of that was us.
Sending him a coffin
filled with horrible pictures?
It was probably the clonking
that tipped him over the edge,
like a raven pecking on his skull.
Bullshit. What's clonking
ever achieved? All right!
Maybe it's the cost of progress.
Because there's always a Hiroshima.
There's always a Dresden.
And that's cool.
Guys, good news. I asked my mum
and she said Otto could stay with us
till he gets himself sorted out.
Wow!
That's actually really sweet of you.
Can anyone think of something fun
to do to cheer him up? You know,
because his mum died, didn't she?
Actually, there is one thing.
SWEEPING MUSIC
You were right, Russell,
this actually is fun!
Oh! The robot! Oh!
MEG LAUGHS
I'd just like to remind you that
all you're doing is pressing is F4.
Yeah, but I'm doing the robot.
Nicky, stop being such a killjoy.
Get over here. No, thanks, Meg.
I'd rather eat my own thumbs.
"You'll never guess who
they're thinking of casting now."
Paul Rudd.
WHAT? NO!
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
I might actually be sick!
My hands have gone all tingly!
I just wanna fall asleep
and never wake up!
This is a living, breathing
nightmare!
Subtitles by explosiveskull
TRIP HOP BEAT
CAR HORNS BEEP
You ever shit in a bucket?
Sorry, what did you say?
You heard me, sweetheart.
I see you and your Metroid t-shirt,
with your geek-girl glasses
and cute little Pac-Man keychain.
I see you, girl.
So let me ask you again,
have you ever shit in a bucket?
Because I have.
Twice. Once playing EverQuest
and then again playing
Shogun: Total War. I had bad guts!
Right. Sorry to hear that.
What was the last game you completed?
Full completion.
And if it was an 8-bit
and you played it on an emulator,
then save states don't count.
I-I'm not sure...
"Erm, erm, I'm not sure!"
And yet, here you are at a bus stop
looking all cute.
"Oh, everyone, look at me,
I'm a gamer!"
Do you know what this is?
This is cultural appropriation.
Because I did my business into a
bucket and I slung it out of a window
and into the privets.
I would do it again, in a heartbeat,
if the game demanded,
because that's hard-core.
Slave to the game.
Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.
TRIP HOP BEAT
CREATURES ROAR
SHE GASPS
Yeah!
Right, mission complete.
Cut sequence.
I must insist on absolute silence.
"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal,
bring urgent news from the Citadel.
"Your hive mother is gestating."
Shit the bath!
She's fucking pregnant!
"Soon she will spawn the mightiest
army the kingdom has ever seen
"and her genocidal plan to cleanse
the outer rim will be completed."
Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky?
DIALOGUE SKIPS
Yeah. Taking it all in.
Just drinking it in.
Ooh, items! Apparently,
if I collect all 50 crystal acorns,
I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.
Sounds pathetic. I must have it!
"The Jade Knot is in debt to you,
young warrior. Yaah!"
HORSES NEIGH
"Guys,
there's gonna be an announcement
about the Kingdom Scrolls movie."
They're casting Vince Vaughn
as Tanadaal.
WHAT? NO!
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
I'm so sorry for your loss. No!
He's too bulky!
He doesn't have the substance!
He's too substantial
and also too insubstantial!
It's all kicked off.
Reddit's basically imploded.
Oh, my God! There was so much
hate speech on there,
one of the moderators
has been signed off with PTSD.
Is this a joke? Seriously,
is it fucking Jester's Day again?
Perfect! No sword play!
No sword play on the resume
of Mr Vince Vaughn!
But I guess that's OK because
he's only playing a barbarian!
Don't even get me started on the
hairline. Tanadaal has a fringe!
A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn
is essentially 95 percent forehead!
Have you seen his hairline
from the Emmys?
His forehead is essentially infinite!
This is an international outrage!
I want to punch someone in the face!
I would punch my cat if I had a cat!
I could kill, like, a person.
If I had a sniper rifle right now,
I'd go and find a vantage point,
squeeze off a clip,
take out a couple of grannies.
Drink myself into a stupor
and get in a fight with an army man.
Pound my thighs
with a camping mallet!
Bang my head against a sheet of
titanium until I forget my own name!
Lock myself into the boot of my car
and just scream!
Swallow a ping pong ball
so I asphyxiate!
Bind my hands behind my back
and then fall out of the loft!
Shave all my hair off and then
eat it from a bowl and just weep!
Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Great, and now the shopping's here.
This day is so fucked!
MEG WEEPS
Great, thanks. Receipt's in the bag,
is it? OK, bye.
"Nicky, hurry up."
"Nicky, hurry up. Come on."
Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need
to put the shopping away.
"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!"
Right, powdered goods there. There.
Sauces there. There.
Bread. Perfect.
"Guys, it's me! Russell!
"I made a new friend. This is
My Mum Died Yesterday. He's Swiss."
"Wait. Your mum died yesterday?"
"Whose mum died yesterday?"
My mom didn't die yesterday.
My mom died in '08.
"No, that's his name -
My Mum Died Yesterday. It's a joke!"
He's mad! He's Swiss!
HOOVER HUMS
Dance.
Come on, everyone, do the dance.
Russell, mate, no-one dances
in Kingdom Scrolls any more.
It's the ultimate dick move.
It's kind of like going to London
and wearing a t-shirt that says
"I Love London".
But it's fun to dance. "Precisely!
If you want fun, go and play
fucking Mario Cart against
some pink-haired girl from Japan.
Otherwise, grab a cudgel
and shut the fuck up!
Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.
Sorry, can I just ask you something?
If you don't enjoy it,
why do you still play it?
Well, that's the enduring mystery.
It's a commitment I made in error
two years ago, which I seem somehow
unable to break free from.
I'm a genie in a bottle,
and no-one's got a bottle opener.
CLATTERING
And now he's stiffed me
with a shitty pear. "Who has?"
The algorithm, Meg.
The giant synthetic brain
that dictates the flow of my life,
because he knows me and he knows
I'm going to eat it anyway.
So here's to the algorithm!
Long may he reign!
Mm! Really revolting!
I found a publicity shot of him
in a western from 2000.
He looks wrong on a horse.
He just does.
I'm really sorry, Meg.
What's happened?
Is everything all right?
Not really.
They cast Vince Vaughn
in the role of Tanadaal
in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
What's wrong with Vince Vaughn?
He's funny.
That movie where he gets the job
at Google...
Because that's what you want
for a character who saw his parents
burnt at the stake,
you want them to be funny.
Nicky, can you...
We're coming to terms with it.
It's still pretty raw.
Well, I'm sorry.
I know how much
these things matter to you and -
Excuse me. "These things"?
I didn't mean it like that.
This is the casting of the lead,
Alison. This affects everyone.
And you needn't think you're safe,
because they came for the remake
of Ghost in the Shell
and I said nothing.
Then they came for the Fantastic 4,
again, and I said nothing.
And then they came
for Kingdom Scrolls.
No. Sure.
I'm annoyed, too, actually.
Cor, that is so annoying!
OK, Alison, you have no idea!
Well, I mean, I know what it's like
to have things not go your way.
Because remember last year
when I went through
that really difficult time?
Oh, yeah. God, that was hard!
So I socialised and I exercised
and I, er, saw that therapist.
You know? Uh-huh. Yeah.
And I talked about everything
and I came through.
My point is, when things get tough,
fight back!
Anyway...
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hi!
Don't wait up!
What the fuck is she on about?
What really tough time? Not like
when she got ill and lost her job?
I've got absolutely no idea!
Anyway, how is that even the same?
Well, what's done is done.
Give it another 20 years
and they'll probably do a reboot.
Yep. Best thing we can do now,
hunker down for two decades
and wait for the reboot.
You know what, Nicky?
We don't have much, you and me,
we lead very thin lives,
but we have this,
and you'd best believe we paid
our dues, motherfucker. Hallelujah.
The days and the weeks and the months
spent in the trenches,
after all of those whoo girls,
the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!"
with the thick-rimmed glasses,
pretending they play FIFA so they can
hoover up all of the hot dick
whilst I'm shitting in a bucket,
and this is the thanks I get?
I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn
as the lead?
Well, I say no more!
Now, are you with me
or are you gonna bend over and take
another mouldy pear up the shitter?
Comrade, I would follow you
into battle any day,
but I think you knew that.
Totally forgot you shat
in that bucket. So badass!
THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn!
Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn!
Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.
Protest. What's the plan?
So, if we get 20,000 signatures,
they have to discuss it
in the House of Commons.
Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer.
Bullshit! I say we dox him.
Hit him where he lives. Find the
address of his production company,
send them a sleeping bag
with a turd in it.
Hang on. Sorry, Meg.
That's meaningless. And unfeasible!
It's entirely feasible.
So, what, you're gonna
buy a sleeping bag from Argos,
do a turd in it,
and then what,
get DHL to courier it to LA?
It'll take three weeks,
probably cost £200.
They'll open it, it won't be Vince,
it'll be the nice girl on reception,
it's only her second week,
she probably won't find the turd,
which'll be all shrivelled up anyway
from all the air travel,
£200 to send a desiccated turd
to an intern! It is just nonsense!
Guys, guys, come on!
Where's the unity?
Sorry, Meg.
We need to work together.
We have a shared message.
Yeah. We repeal Vince Vaughn and
replace him with Michael Fassbender.
Fassbender?! What?
Do you have any idea
how short Fassbender's legs are?
I don't know, Nicky, tell me.
24-inch inside leg,
and that is on very good authority,
and you want him to play the Tall
Man of Blackspire? Fine. Then, who?
Cumberbatch. Oh, you total pussy!
"What?"
Are you a fucking woman, Nicky?
Are you an actual lady
with a VW Beetle and a subscription
to Grazia magazine?
Daddy, Mommy wants you
to hold the ladder for her!
I'll be right there, honey!
Oh, would you lookie here?
I seem to have my fingers crossed.
"Good news. He's on his way!
"My Mum Died Yesterday is coming
to my house. He's mad. He's Swiss."
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is coming to your house?"
"Yeah. We're gonna hang out."
Mad! Swiss!
No. You don't do that, Russell!
You don't invite a man called
My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.
Why not? Ugh! Honestly!
And I'm sorry but I need to ask,
how are you this stupid?
Seriously. Were you raised in the
wild by a troupe of feral morons?
No, I was raised at home
by my mum and Frank.
You don't invite people to your home,
Russell.
He's probably gonna kill you.
Did you even check his profile?
"How do I do that again?" Control-P.
Nah, I'm sure it's fine because...
..14's basically an adult, right?
He's 14?! "I mean,
you can join the army at 14, so...
"Siri, can you join the army at 14?"
Oh, my God, Russell!
You just invited a child
to come and live with you!
Hang on.
He's not coming to live with me.
"Did you even ask his parents?
They'll probably think
you wanna fuck him."
"Why would they think that?"
"Because that's what people like you
do."
"That's not what people like me do,
actually!"
"You groomed him, Russell.
This is grooming."
"I didn't groom him!"
I groomed his horse!
You groomed his horse?
In the stables! We both did!
And how is this going to sound
when it's read aloud in court?
"You groomed a child's horse."
"Daddy, I can't hold the ladder
by myself!"
Russell, as a father,
I happen to know a thing or two
about the welfare of young children.
My point is, you cannot let this boy
in your home.
You see this, Meg? Such a noob!
It's all cool. I'll just call him
and tell him not to come.
LOUD CLATTERING
Honey?
"Honey?"
Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving!
Oh, boy!
METAL CLANGS
OK, what's this now?
I am hitting the statue
with my sword.
And I'm going to keep on
hitting the statue
until such time as they reconsider
the casting of Vince Vaughn.
You're clonking. That's what
you're doing. You're a clonkist.
Pretty effeminate clonking sound,
dude.
It's the sound of progress, Usman.
Well, while you've been clonking,
I've cut a deal
with The Flaming Shitheads.
The Flaming Shitheads? You know
the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming
Shitheads. They're shitheads.
Exactly! They found Vaughn's
contact info from the Sony dump.
We've been hounding him.
Oh, Jesus,
not the turd in a sleeping bag?
Worse! Phone calls, emails.
We're thinking of sending
a cardboard coffin to his house
filled with horrible drawings.
It's my idea. I mean,
it's unpleasant, but it's effective.
She has a point.
If it's clonking or hounding,
I have to go with hounding.
The Flaming Shitheads are racist.
They're a bunch
of alt-right freakos.
They purged the entire wetlands
because they thought
the geese were Jewish.
BIRD CLUCKS
Nicky, I don't know how much you know
about Nelson Mandela,
but I've seen the film
and I happen to know he did
some pretty questionable things.
He threw a hand grenade at...
a school bus. I can remember.
My point is, it's time to fight back!
"Yeah, that's it, angel.
Give Mommy the blue one."
No, the blue one
from the bottle on the side.
"She has two of those
with a glass of water.
You're doing great baby-cakes."
How is your wife, Usman?
Oh, she's a trooper.
And the girls have really rallied.
Daddy! I can't get the bottle open!
You need to push it down
and then twist.
"Push and then twist.
"No, twist."
PILLS RATTLE
OK, honey-bunny, now you got it!
Those girls never fail to amaze me.
Is that him? OK, that's not him.
Otto's not answering his phone
so I'm watching out for him
with binoculars.
Right. So you're trying not to behave
like a paedophile
by watching young boys
through binoculars?
God, this is an absolute minefield!
I should delete my character
and go back to playing hockey.
Sorry, you play hockey?
Oh, yeah. I used to play
for England schoolboys.
But then I got really into cocaine.
Then I found Christianity.
Then I found cocaine again.
And then there was an overlap period
where I was into cocaine and Jesus.
And then I stopped doing that
and then I spent about a year
trolling David Attenborough.
Russell, I just found a small boy
on the driveway.
Shit. OK.
HE PANTS
Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake.
I made friends with him on the game.
I didn't know he was a child.
You need to sort this out.
Look, Mother, I am sorting this out!
We need to turn off all the lights
and hide until he goes back
to Basel.
Bit late for that now, son.
What the...?
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
You let him in!
I couldn't leave him! He's a child,
Russell! A Switzerland boy.
I couldn't just turn him away!
Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum!
No, you're the fucking idiot, son.
I've got to get back to work. What?!
What am I gonna say,
"Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy
back to Switzerland?"
Mum, don't you dare...
No! Do not...
No, Mum!
Mother!
Mother?!
MOTHER?!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Russell's got a boy in his room!
Dude, I don't want to teach you how
to suck eggs, but whatever you do,
do not fuck him.
In fact, you should film yourself
not fucking him, just in case.
Uh-oh.
Where is he? He's gone.
SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES
WATER RUNS
Oh, no.
Oh, Christ, no!
He's in the shower!
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is in my shower!"
There's a nude boy in your house.
"He's already nude?
What is it with you Europeans?"
OK, that's it, you're going to jail.
He hasn't got a towel. What if he
comes out and it's all steamy
and he's looking for a towel
and he's nude and he bumps into me?
You need to get him out of there.
I can't. He's locked the door!
"Lure him out with chocolate." What?
"I mean it, man!"
Get some choc and a piece of string
and just lure him on out of there.
Wait! Forget the choc!
Bust the door down!
"Don't bust the door down!"
You can't bang on a nude boy!
Just get out! Run!
HE WHIMPERS
OK, I'm in the garden!
"Call the cops." "Yeah, but what if
they seize his laptop, though?"
"The chat logs..." "All that talk
of having sex with young boys."
I didn't say that! You said that!
"God, this is really tense."
Will someone tell me what to do?!
"Wait, I got it!
"No, sorry, it's gone.
OK, you're fucked!"
You're on your own, mate. All on
your own with a wet naked child.
I'm kicking him out.
I'm booting him out of the house.
I am.
TENSE MUSIC
HE KNOCKS SOFTLY
Otto, mate? You need to put your
clothes on and leave, please, mate.
"At least half-close your eyes in
case you accidentally see him nude."
SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS
I have your bag.
You need to take it and get out.
Oh, no.
His mum died yesterday.
Well, not yesterday but recently.
His mum died!
Yeah. I mean,
I guess all the clues were there.
"Jesus, he's an orphan."
You're his mummy now, Russell.
CLANGING
"Oh, hey, Nicky."
"What the hell is that?"
"Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn.
I made it with Character Creation
tools.
"I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin
but I think it does the job.
"We're going to string it up by the
cathedral and fire harpoons at it.
"Are you coming?"
"You crossed a line.
"That's basically a hate crime.
You're a war criminal!"
"Suit yourself. Come on, boys!
"Ha! Right in the tit!
"20 gold crowns
if you can get him in the goolies.
"Yes!"
Have you seen the Twitter?
Vince Vaughn's withdrawing
from the role.
What?
No way?
Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true!
# Vince Is Mince!
The nightmare is over!
There's a quote from his PR team.
They said he withdrew from the role
due to, quote,
"Some of the vicious
personal comments online."
THEY GASP
That was me! Some of that was me!
Did they mention the clonking at
all? This might sound a bit grand,
but I've changed the course
of human history! I just have!
Good for you, Meg!
THEY LAUGH
He drove his car into a tree.
What was that?
Apparently, some guy saw him
in a bar looking all sad
and then he got into his car
and, yeah, ploughed into a tree.
I think he's OK.
He split his head open
and lost consciousness
for a few minutes.
Mm.
Right. His daughter's been crying
on Instagram.
I think they're sending him
to a facility,
so he's going to be all right,
but still...
Oh, God! Mm.
What type of tree?
Oak. 32 miles per hour.
Pinned to the wheel.
Neighbours reported squealing,
apparently. Squealing? Squealing.
Vince Vaughn was squealing?
He was squealing, yes.
The star of The Wedding Crashers,
squealing in his Prius.
But I guess that's good for you
because now
he won't be in your movie.
So, yeah.
Yay!
Mm...
SWEEPING MUSIC
"Reports of sustained squealing."
"So it wasn't just a single squeal,
it was sustained."
"Yep. All right, Nicky."
That was you, Meg.
Some of that was you.
Us, Nicky.
Some of that was us.
Sending him a coffin
filled with horrible pictures?
It was probably the clonking
that tipped him over the edge,
like a raven pecking on his skull.
Bullshit. What's clonking
ever achieved? All right!
Maybe it's the cost of progress.
Because there's always a Hiroshima.
There's always a Dresden.
And that's cool.
Guys, good news. I asked my mum
and she said Otto could stay with us
till he gets himself sorted out.
Wow!
That's actually really sweet of you.
Can anyone think of something fun
to do to cheer him up? You know,
because his mum died, didn't she?
Actually, there is one thing.
SWEEPING MUSIC
You were right, Russell,
this actually is fun!
Oh! The robot! Oh!
MEG LAUGHS
I'd just like to remind you that
all you're doing is pressing is F4.
Yeah, but I'm doing the robot.
Nicky, stop being such a killjoy.
Get over here. No, thanks, Meg.
I'd rather eat my own thumbs.
"You'll never guess who
they're thinking of casting now."
Paul Rudd.
WHAT? NO!
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
I might actually be sick!
My hands have gone all tingly!
I just wanna fall asleep
and never wake up!
This is a living, breathing
nightmare!
Subtitles by explosiveskull