Dead Head (1986–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Anything for England - full transcript

(Eddie) 'So who's running
the world, then?

'Who's saying, "Do this, do that"?
Who's pissing you about?

'Who's pulling the puppet strings?
How life is to be lived, eh?

Here's a bottle of Perisporangium,
the best.

'Bloody hell.

'When the world goes mad,
what you got to be?

'A bloody philosopher?

'All I knew was...'

Bastards!
The H-bomb's gone off.

'...my own private atom bomb
had gone off,

'right over my head.



'God of the gods, forgive me,

'but my only weapons, I reckoned,
were cash, luck and anger.

'The greatest of these was cash.

'First thing I did
was to rob my landlady.

'Got on a train, thinking,
"Where do I hide?"

'Thought, "Fight, countryside.

"'No one about, sleep in barns.
Walk along hedges, be a tramp.

"'Eat bloody nuts and berries"'
I thought,

'out of my skull
with panic and fear.'

Oi, you, you bastard!

'The one sat in the front of the car
when they picked me up,

'one of them,
the one who laughed.

Sit down.

You're wearing a bloody earring.



Yes.

Once, for professional reasons,

I enjoyed a rather nasty
little gay scene.

In Moscow, actually.

Go to the back of the train,
will you, Williams?

Don't be a bloody idiot.

Fight, what is this?

Sit down, for Christ's sake!

Do as you are told.

If you do not do as you are told,

you will not believe
what will happen to you.

Oh, really?

Fight, we move.
Keep your mouth shut.

Going to the buffet, Williams.

- In!
- Don't you put your hands on me.

- Listen to me, you little fart.
- I'm no poofter.

You have no idea
what is being done to you,

how bad it is, how dangerous.

- You tell me, then, flower.
- First, we have to get rid of him.

- Who?
- Williams, my nurse maid.

- Who are you?
- Just understand you are a liability.

There are men in rooms
making jokes about you,

deciding how to screw you.

All you can do is do what I tell you!

Dark as hell.
We must be near there.

When I say go,
pull your feet up to your chest.

- What?
- Fight.

Ohh!!!!!

- Argh!!
- Jump!

- I'll kill myself.
- I've done this for years.

I've never hurt a hair on my head.

Oh, dear!

- Who dares wins.
- Are you sure?

- Go.
- No!

'My life flashed before me.

'It did not seem a good idea.

'A smell like someone
had done a poop.'

Moo...cow.

'Then I remembered.

'I hate the countryside.'

Get up.

- I think I've broken my back.
- Get up!

- Oh, my ankle's gone as well.
- Rubbish!

Play the Englishman.

Oh... Ohh!!!!

Oh!

- Get up.
- I won't.

I'm not going on. I won't play.

Oi! Oi, oi!

Now we are married,
to have and to hold.

I think we deserve one another.

Ohh!!!!

I've sat on a cow pat.

I hate nature.

I've hated nature
ever since I was a kid.

- Big bloody nature hates me an' all.
- Chocolate?

Keeps your blood sugar up.

Bloody cold.

BIoody wet.

Bloody socks like squidgy mud.

Underpants all sticky
and smelling of cow shit.

Nature's a killer.

Survival. Toughen up.

The most wanted man in England.

- Look at you.
- Wanted?

I don't want to be wanted.
Who wants me?

What am I doing here,
sitting in the middle of a wood,

handcuffed to...
Little Lord Fauntleroy?

- (Eddie) What a pile!
- Sanctuary.

(Alarm goes off

- (Alarm stops)
- You're a bit of a villain, ain't you?

I am, a very good villain indeed.

Oi! Hey!

How the other half lives, eh?

- Here!
- This is real England.

This is the heartland.
This is where the power is.

See what you're up against, you runt?

Get this into your whinging little soul.

- Oh, yeah?
- Silk sheets at night.

Sunlight in the early morning.
Carpets!

Lovely rugs for you
to get your little toes into.

- Eh?
- The sensuality of it.

The luxury of it!

- They kill for this, Eddie.
- Hang about!

If you've got a chance against this,
you don't bloody gamble,

you bloody fool!

- Hang on, hang on!
- You bloody little fool!

- Get your trousers off.
- Oh, yeah?

Got a machine in the scullery.
I'll run them through once.

Oh... Oh, er...

- Well, thanks.
- Hot water's instant.

Oh, good. Um...

'Where was I? On another planet?

'Yeah, I'd been snatched
by a flying saucer.

'The guy with the earring
was some kind of Martian.

'They done something to make me
think I was somewhere I was not.'

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

(Splashing)

Here... Here...

Look...

Ah...

All right.

Who the bloody hell are you?

Ah, yes, of course.

You have no idea who I am,
where I come from.

The top drawer.

The creme de IA creme.

Makers of empire.

My grandfather was in India
for 40 years.

My father followed him.

Oh, England.

Happy England.

They who serve.

It's a very harsh thing
to be born into the ruling class.

It's not all champagne
and Lamborghinis.

Loyalty and duty weigh on the soul.

You're born to serve.

I went to Winchester public school,
I went to Cambridge University,

where I was recruited
by the Spooks.

What, MI5 and that?

That.

Do you like it?

- Yeah, it's amazing.
- Good.

Are you telling me all the crap
that's happened to me,

- the people behind it are MI5?
- Yes.

But I'm loyal.

I love my country,
I love the royal family.

Sadly, it would appear
they do not love you.

Now, let me tell you
of a little touch of human evil.

(Hugo) 'She was 20 years old.'

'The pathologist reported

everything a man could conceive
of doing to a helpless woman

had been done to her.

Her corpse was a definitive map
of every conceivable male desire.

But who did it, eh? Who did it?

We never ask that.

- But... But you must...
- No.

No, we never say "but"
to ourselves.

I don't get it.

God, how thick are you?

The man who performed
that atrocity,

we were ordered to protect him,

not to ask who he was.

To find some... snivelling little shit
down in the lower depths,

and pin it on him, set him up.

We found you.

The government?

The government gave me an hat box,
what, with an head in it?

But I've always been a good boy.
I mean...

the odd thing on the side, but...
I always vote Tory.

Oh, yes.

Well, what is happening to you
is just one more hard-luck story.

- You bastards!
- It's just one more obscene job.

The man who murdered that woman

needs to be protected,
at any cost.

Oh, yeah. Cost of me, eh?

Cost of you.

Eat up. It will get cold.

But this is England!

Every country has its wild men,

who'll do anything, anything at all,
to preserve the status quo.

I'm one of England's.

That is my vow.

Anything for England.

The victim.

Name: Mary Campbell.

Born in Glasgow.

Came to London as a runaway.
Lived in south London.

Pretty little thing.

Close friend of the murdered woman.

Almost certainly involved
with the murderer.

Seems our unknown murderer,

whose name no one dares speak,

is knocking off your wife,

ex-wife, Dana.

You see?

You're nearer to the greatly
high and mighty than you thought,

old son.

Bastards.

Bastards!

Stop.

Put your hands
on the mantelpiece now.

Now. Come on, do it. Do it now!

Listen. I hate it. I have defected.
I have turned on all I believe in.

I cannot stand it.
I wanted to cry but I could not.

My brain is boiling,
my stomach sick, sick, sick.

You understand?
You lump of shit. You fall guy.

You bit of nothing
out of grotty, pissy Peckham.

I love my country,

but I will not let them do this,
not to anyone,

not even to a little Scots whore
of a train from Glasgow,

not to you even, and not to me.

Not to me.

'Dear, oh dear.

"'I am"' I thought,

"'I am in the hands of someone
right off the handle."'

Look, er...

(Crash)

Why not let's make a nice
cup of tea, eh, and we'll...

sit down and... talk this over?

Ah, Mrs Epworth. Do come in.

Oh, dear.

Bit of a mess, I'm afraid.

Mr Hugo. The kitchen, too?

Mr Julian and I came back rather late
last night with a couple of guests.

Father a rough lot, I'm afraid.

Japanese gentlemen, was it?

- Again?
- Afraid so.

And Mr Julian?

Took them to Birmingham airport
early this morning.

I did think I'd phone the police.

We've had this in the bedrooms before,
but never downstairs.

Mr Julian doesn't want
the police called.

It would not be diplomatic,
you understand?

No, no, of course not.

Mr Julian's firm of decorators
will be in to put things to rights.

Ah.

So perhaps we'd best
just leave things as they are.

It's all right. It's my driver.

Ah.

Perhaps you'd like
to take the day off?

Oh, I don't know
I could do that, sir.

The house is my responsibility
when it's empty.

Yes, Mrs Epworth.

One does realise
the house is very much...

...your kingdom.

Now you mention it, sir,

there are some things
I could be getting on with at home.

- Lovely.
- Fight.

- Good morning, sir.
- Morning.

(Door closes)

Look, I don't think she's...

Thank you, Mrs Epworth.

Thank you, sir.

Damn. Forgot the stupid cow
comes in on Thursday mornings.

She'll blab to the whole village.
What do we need?

Clothes, wheels...

Wait.

Go.

Get in.

(Man) I love you! I love you!
I love you!

- In.
- I love you, I love you...

(Engine starts)

(Man) Love, love, love!

(Ecstatic groans)

Hey, that's my bloody car!

Come back! That's my car!

Come back! Hey!

That's my car! Hey!

'Madness, madness.
Sunny days.'

(Engine running)

(Door opens)

Can I help you, me ducks?

Could I have
a tin of red salmon, please?

A tin of salmon?

That will be £1 .50.

Thanks.

Oh. Afraid I'm out of change.

No trouble.

Give the kiddie some sweets.

(Ducks quack)

Bloody England!

Bloody, bloody, bloody England!

No bloody place
to put your car in a lake!

No bloody patch of land
to bury a corpse!

Bloody England!

Look...

- Look...
- Lunchtime.

What?

Oh, dear. Classic predicament.

No tin opener.

Don't worry. I know a pub nearby.

- ...on anything less than 400,000.
- Absolutely!

She said she was a darling,
a sweetheart, and she loved her.

Was she talking about her horse
or her daughter?

Bridget, as I live and breathe!

I mean, there's hardly
any cover there, for the birds.

Then all these bloody lawyers
come out from Birmingham

and bang away,
unable to kill the bloody pheasants.

I mean, it is a farce.

- Then there's the beaters.
- Sloshed out of their minds.

More fun to shoot the beaters!

I don't think it's funny any more.

There isn't any decent shooting
100 miles this side of Birmingham.

- Swapped a Toyota for a little MO.
- Oh.

Mind you, the Japs make those
too now, don't they?

I don't know.
Still British... just, I think.

I had a little MO
when I was up at Jesus.

My God! It's Hugo.

- What are you doing here?
- Heard the beer was good.

- How are you, Clive?
- Surviving the massacre.

You know, that's uncanny.
I was just mentioning the old place.

Hugo and I were at Jesus together.

Hugo, this is Sandra.

Hello.

Hello.

- Um...?
- Oh, yes, this is my man.

Oh.

I must warn you, Sandra,
that Hugo here is an utter shit.

Interesting.

Oh, you're kidding. Fealty?

(Eddie) 'The silver spoon
in the tonsils. I felt small.

'I worried I was smelly.
It began to get to me.'

Do you know
what this man did at Cambridge?

He led us all
on a house-breaking expedition.

Never been more terrified in my life.

How much did you steal?

- Enough.
- Enough for what?

To feed a lion.

I see.

(Laughter)

'This lot looked
like different animals to me.

'Martians.

'Been beamed down,

'taken the bloody country over
with none of us noticing.

'Out of my depth?
That don't say it all.

'Naked, I felt. Naked.

'And the beer was
that real ale muck.'

What kind of gun?

Revolver for preference.

Going to blow someone away?

Maybe.

I have a Belgian Neumann
357 Magnum.

German secret service
use that all the time.

Good. You can manage it?

Let you have it for a tenner.

Got a spot of trouble.

I am in need of an old friend.

- Anything, old man.
- Don't get pissed, will you?

- Bert?
- What?

Oh, no... sir.

Bert. And what is that short for?

Nebuchadnezzar.

Got servant problems, Hugo?

Nothing I can't handle.

Like a word with you, old man.

Well, Bert,
and what interests you in life?

Giving your bum a bite.

What a sexist little
working-class turd you are, Bert.

Sorry, don't understand the insult,
darling.

You feel insulted?

Funny how you lot keep talking
about how you feel.

We are the idle rich.

What else is there to do but feel?

Sorry, you lost me, darling.

Oh, pity.

And I thought I was going
to feel your teeth in my bum.

Bye.

Oh, my God!

'After that I got a bit lost.'

(Chatter)

(Sounds echo and distort)

Real ale, old boy. Can't take it.

Silly little man.

You find him horribly attractive,
you shameless bitch.

- Do I?
- (Hugo) Bert?

Bert, we're going to Clive's place.

(Chatter and laughter)

(Raised voices)

(Man) Come on, man!

Is this the planet Mars?

Shropshire, old son. Shropshire.

Oh, no.

Ouch! Ohh!!!!

Ohh!!!.

(Groans)

(Grunts)

'I thought to myself,

"'I deserve this, I do."'

I'm sorry I've lived a bad life, God.

'You know, the things you think
when you're pissed...'

(Finishes urinating)

Oh! Bloody moonlight!

Shit!

(Grunts)

You're not going to believe this.

I had to come through the yard
so I've got my Wellingtons on,

and I can't get the bloody things off.

(Gasps)

OK, Nebuchadnezzar.

Oh, dear.

My love.

They're talking about you over there.

- Over where?
- At the house.

- What house?
- Ludlow Hall.

- Don't you know where you are?
- Not really, love, no.

You're in one of the rooms
over the stables of Ludlow Hall.

Oh.

I mean,
do you know who Clive is?

Hugo's, your friend's, friend.

He's Lord Ludlow.

What am I supposed to do, faint?

Clive, the Lord Ludlow,

who embezzled
one million pounds from ICI,

who was never prosecuted
because of the scandal.

I mean, he is 49th in succession
to the bloody throne of England.

Oh, dear, so...
Her Majesty...

He'll never do
a day's work again, darling.

Not even for the RSPCA.

That's his punishment.

Unemployment?

Sad, isn't it? And he's so young.

Yes, very...
Yes, very sad, yeah.

So, Eddie...

I thought my name was Bert.

I've been listening at the door,
Hugo and Clive talking.

Oh, yeah?

They think you know who killed her.

They think you know
the name of the man

who killed Mary Campbell.

Be careful, my love.

I mean, tell them.

How do you mean?

All I'm saying is,
when Clive asks you a question,

whatever you do, say yes.

What do you mean?

If Clive, the Lord Ludlow,
applied to join the SAS,

he wouldn't get in
on grounds of unacceptable violence.

Oh.

(Coughs)

What was all that about?

Sorry.

That million Clive embezzled,

he's not exactly going
to give it back.

And he and I are going to get married.

- So...
- Yeah...

Look...

Listen, love... Oh!

This thing, eh?
It's beginning to bleed.

The lamp is running out of gas.
I'm going.

If I don't,
I'll trip over the shit in the yard.

Er, yeah... Oh...

Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?

What did you expect me to be?

A naked girl in your life with the key?

Thank you.

Well...

Thank you, love.

'Long night of the knives, eh?

'The pleasure, then the pain.

(Clatter)

Dropped my bloody ice bucket.

Clive, are we going to do
this thing or not?

Clive has this idea
about torture, Eddie.

Ice cubes on the skin,
burning cigars, that sort of thing.

He claims he got this from a mercenary
who fought in Rhodesia.

Sounds highly exotic to me.

Myself I think it comes
from a James Bond film,

which I think I dimly remember.

(Ice bucket falls over)

Those were my ice cubes,
you little shit!

What...?

What are you going to do?

(Groans)

(Silent screams)

Anything for England.

My leg!

Clive's not here.

I think you've destroyed him.

You do know, Eddie.

You do.

The man who killed Mary Campbell,
the man...

...I set out to protect,
you do.

- I can't... I...
- No, please, please, please.

You're not going to start again.

Please. But...

Somewhere in you, you know.

You have seen who he is.

I must know.

I must know.

For bloody England.

- I...
- No, no, look.

Look, just...

(Eddie sniffs)

(Eddie groans)

Ohh!!!!

Ooh, lovely, ta.

Ohh!!!!

- We're renegades, Eddie.
- My leg!

You do know.

Deep down inside you.

He's had your wife!

He could do to her
what he did to Mary Campbell.

- To Dana.
- Look at my leg!

- Please. Give me anything.
- I don't...

I thought you knew who he was.
That's why I hung around.

- Then you set that madman on me.
- He's not about any more, Eddie.

We've got the run of the place.

I'll take you over to the house.

Forgive.

'So I lay about,
must have been, oh, a week.

'Like a lord,
just staring at the countryside,

'mildly pissed,
mildly this and that.

'Didn't see much of Hugo.

'He was there, sort of ashamed.
Don't know what he was up to.

'Waiting for him to come and get us

'out of the picture postcard,

'outside of the window.'

- What are you going as?
- Ludlow and County Hunt.

Bit of a risk,
but I thought I'd go out.

How are you?

Your schoolboy torture's
beginning to itch.

Hugo!

Hugo!

Jesus bloody Christ!

It's Dana, my Dana,
looking like a million dollars, the bitch!

Eddie, she could be with him.
Quests come and ride at these hunts.

Girlfriends,
the occasional high-class whore.

I knew it. This is my world.

I knew he'd bring her here.

The heart of England.

The bastards brought us all
to the hunt.

You stay here. I'll track her.

(Barking)

Harold, Arnie.
Come on, all of you.

(Horn blares)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Horn blows)

Dana!

- What's this?
- A lot of money, Eddie.

- Bloody whore!
- Stay away from me, Eddie.

Don't think about me.
Don't look for me.

They know what you're doing
all the time.

You can't ever win, Eddie.

He killed someone, Dana.
Mary Campbell.

You knew her, for Christ's sake.
Who is he?

- Stay away from me, Eddie.
- Who?

Stop her, Eddie!

Hugo!

No!

(Machine gun fire)

What do you want?

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat,
where have you been?

♪ I've been to London
to see the queen

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat,
what did you do there?

♪ I frightened a mouse
under the chair

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat ♪

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