Dead Head (1986–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Why Me? - full transcript

(Eddie) 'What I want to know is,
still want to know is,

'why me?

'Why me? Why did the world
have to go mad round me?

'I mean, my world.

'It was Prince William's birthday,
wasn't it?

'I went in for an early pint
to drink the little prince's health.'

- Eddie?
- Benny.


Bells on the side.

- Special day?
- For they who are loyal.

'Always been a bit of a royalist.
When I was a kid

'and my mum's coronation mug
got the handle broke off,

'I cried.

'It means a lot to me,

'sort of the Queen
somewhere in her garden,

'with flags, white horses,
having tea,

'cucumber sandwiches,
tea out of a silver teapot.

'A kind of paradise
there in the back of your head.

'There was nothing special about me.

'I had the average troubles
with the average memories.'

- We are bloody married!
- Not for long, you bastard!

What do you want me to do?

- It's all unfair!
- Mind my table.

I just want to be loved, that's all.

Get out! Get out!

And don't come back!

'And I didn't.

'Oh, well.

'I was just like anyone else, really.
scraping the odd shekel.'

'I am not a knight in shining armour.

'My life was average British.

'Though, I will admit, I am prone
to the average little cock-up.'

For crying out loud, Caractacus,
where's the meat?

I got the meat and dog.
I got you, boy.

- Give me it.
- All right, all right.

What am I doing here?


- This meat stinks.
- Yeah, well, I poisoned that meat.

- What?
- That way the dog is going to die.

What did you poison it with?


- Dettol?
- Yeah, Dettol.

I soaked it for two days and nights
in Dettol from the toilet.

Jesus Christ!

Come and get this nice bit of meat.


Man, what's going on?

- Dogs and devils.
- (Alarm bell rings)

Time to split, Eddie.

(Dog growls)

'I hate dogs.

'Yeah, the odd brush with society.

'Or whatever.

(Breaking glass)


Hello, Eddie.

Hello, Malcolm.


- You get that?
- What? No.

I mean, someone must have
put it down in there, you know.


Why would they do that?

- Have you been pissing on the wall?
- Leave it alone, Malcolm.

I have heard a funny rumour.

- Rumour?
- Yeah.

About your eating habits.

Prime rump steak
marinated in Dettol?

You are getting
out of your class, my son.

You should stick to fish and chips.




while we're on fast food,

have you got something for me?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll count it.

How's your old lady?

We split up months ago,
you know that.

Hmm. I do.

Oh, she is into some odd company
these days.

I don't see her.

Out of touch? Dear, dear, dear!

What a modern lifestyle
you do lead, old son.

Oh! Bast...


Don't get jumpy, Eddie.

(Car door closes)

(Engine starts up)

All you need is love.

- Pardon?
- Nothing.

Memory lane.

Well, there you have it, Eddie.

- Same again?
- That will be my pleasure.

Stoker, where did you spring from?

One would like to reply,
"Out of a violent night."

Actually, from a pissy afternoon

failing to collect certain rents
from certain properties.

- What's all this with the eye?
- You like the pirate's patch?

It's bloody ridiculous!

You have no taste, Eddie,
no sense of style.

Someone bop you one?

(Scoffs) That's ridiculous.

A little disfigurement makes you
all the more attractive.

You should try it,
brighten up your image.

Yeah, I've been thinking of going
round with a false wooden leg.

- Nah, just get woodworm.
- Ben?

Look the other way, Eddie.

(Eddie) 'Stoker, one of those guys
who suddenly appear around the place

'like they've always been there,

'about whom you know nothing.

'With that bit of flash,
like his rings.

'You had no idea what he was into.

'I mean, "Why ask about people?"
I used to ask myself.'

Depressed, Eddie?

- You could say that.
- Woman? Money?

Little doggies biting your fingers?

Yeah, well.

Look... I could put something
your way, you know.

- Too much is going my way.
- No, for real.

I want to do this for you.

I mean,
£500 absolutely for nothing.

- No.
- No, it ain't thieving. This is a job.

- Well, more a task.
- Task? You do it.

I have to be in New Cross
at 7.30 tonight.


Oh, yeah, this has got
to be done tonight.

You'll have the money in,
what, two or three hours.

- Go to this address.
- Kennington?

It's a tower block. Pick up a parcel
and take the parcel to this address.

Regent's Park West?
Bit out of my class up there.

Just one thing. Don't take taxis.

But, tube or walk.

Here's 100.
You'll get the rest at Regent's Park.

- This is drugs, isn't it, Stoker?
- Honest to God, it's not.

This is just one little thing,
one little job.

'Maybe there is
just one split second of madness

'in a lifetime for each of us.'

'It's there. You say yes or no,
and that's your life done,


OK. Give us the addresses.

- No, memorise them.
- Oh, no!

400 quid coming to you

and you have no idea
who you're doing a good turn, brother.


'Later that night, what I would
have done for that bit of card,

'typed on some fancy typewriter.

'What IBM golf ball
in what office by what hand?

'What I would have done
for that card in the months ahead.

'A bit of proof, a bit of reality,
a bit of evidence.'

Got it.

Just one thing.

Whatever you do
when you pick up the package,

you won't open it, will you?

Who knows
how the spirit will move, old son?

Just don't bother, brother.

'Got some Dutch courage in me, drink.

'Broke into the first 20
Stoker had slipped me to finance it.

'Had to for the evening's madness
before I set out.

'I mean, what was this trail
of mystery addresses

'one side of London to the other?

'At the best of times,
when you've got to go across town,

'you've got to have
a few in you to make it, no?

"'South London, what a scraggy dump.
What do we live here for?" I thought,

'you know, the way you do
when you're out at night, a bit pissed,

'let alone a bit scared shitless.

(Breaking glass)

Something to pick up.


- Excuse me.
- They...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

'Was she stoned or just scared of me?

'Couldn't tell.

'Regent's Park.

'It's not just the zoo,
it's great big white houses,

'money standing there,
piles of brick all painted white,

'singing of money.

'You can hear what's inside
singing faintly on the night air,

'a whole bloody opera
of Persian carpets, silver spoons,

'crystal decanters,
chandeliers tinkling away.

'The money in this country.

'Where I come from,
we do not know the half of it.

'I remember in a Peckham pub,

'some poor old git,
holes in his trousers,

'scruffy old dog at his feet,

'saying how for 40 years
he'd voted Tory

'cos we're all equal nowadays.

'They must think we're fools.

'Mind you, I always voted Tory,
but then I'm a loyalist to the Queen.

'Anyway, I found the second address.'

(Doorbell rings)

'No lights.

'Sort of doors, shutters,
behind the windows. Nothing.'

What is this?

(Rings doorbell)

"'Hang about"' I thought.

'Someone owes me 400 quid.

'Not a great thought, but a clear one
on a somewhat unclear evening.'

Sod this for a load of bananas!

(Driver) Vauxhall Bridge.

- This all right for you?
- Yes, fine.

- Not going to jump, are you?
- It's all right. I can't swim.

- What you got in the box?
- 400 quid.

Thanks for the tip!

'What was really horrible
was I didn't feel a thing.

"'Oh"' I said to myself.

"'A severed head."

"'Fight-oh. Off we go."'

'I thought as I did it,
"Good old Father Thames."

'Fish coming back, isn't there?

'See fishermen
off the steps of County Hall.

'One thing to say for Fed Ken.

'Salmon for tea,
if you've got a rod and a line.'

Oh, no.

'What if one of Fed Ken's fishermen
fishes out her head?'

No! No!


Oh, you're sweet
like Jamaican pineapple.

Oh, God, soft, sweet, white child,
take me to the bridge.

(Door opens)

- Where you been, man?
- Caractacus, who's this?

- It's my white brother. He lives here.
- Jesus, give us a drink.

- Sorry. I see you've pulled.
- Relax, it's all right.

What do you mean, he lives here?

- You just asked me to live here.
- It will all go down, baby.

We don't have nothing to drink
except rice tea.

God, I can't stop shaking!

I am not sleeping
next to some madman covered in mud.

We is all
on this planet together, babes,

going round the sun
in each other's arms.

You said you loved me.

And I fell for it.

Me, born in bloody Peckham.

I believed a petty little crook
when he said he loved me. Why?

I know what's happening.

I've been given drugs by some freak.

I've not thrown a cut-off head
into the Thames,

I'm not here, covered in mud.

Some snotty little dealer
slipped something in my beer.

I'm still here in the pub, innit,
dribbling in my beer.

Oh, my God!

- Going through some changes, boy?
- Oh, yeah.

Me an' all.

Eduardo, my friend,
I've come to a conclusion.

You have to be hard to be kind.

Hard to be kind, hard to be kind.

I been working out every day
with some brothers.

You got to be hard
to be kind to be free.

That's why we only have rice tea
in this place.

That's why I'm going to get
this good woman to live with us.

What do you mean, with us?

Have you two got some sick idea?


What the...?

- You is invading my privacy, man!
- Shut your mouth!

We is just spreading
some kindness here.


'I said to myself, "All right, relax."

"'I'm at the bar of the Lord Lyndhurst.

"'This madness,
it will go on for a couple of hours.

"'Then the dear old grey world
will be back,

"'with an hell of a hangover."'


what a number of possibilities
we've got here.

- You think so?
- Oh, absolutely.

I mean, are you two
running her on the game?

Oh, look,
I don't know what you think...


And then there's all this hi-fi
and video gear stacked in the corner.

- Oh, yeah?
- To the ceiling, old son.

Or do you deny it?

I see what you mean.

And were we to dig up
the floor in here,

I bet we'd have a good kilo of heroin.

The biggest international
drug ring conspiracy for years,

broken, utterly.

- Depend on your supplies.
- Oh.

We are... very well supplied.

(Caractacus groans)

Don't think I know you.


But... I know you.

(Caractacus groans)

Suffering, are you?

- Just having a rest.
- Well, you're going to need it.

End of tonight.

Oh, dear.

Come the dawn, you're going to wish
you'd stuck with your own kind.

Wish you'd never known
your nigger-loving white friend here.

What is this?

- Harassment?
- Harassment?

I don't think you know the meaning
of the word, old son... yet.

What coppers are you?

From what manor?


What are you? Ohh!!

Get 'em out!

Get them out!

Humankind cannot bear
very much reality.

- Sorry?
- A line by TS Eliot.

A 20th-century poet.
Probably the worst line he ever wrote.

'There was a smell about 'em.
I thought,

"'They're wearing scent,
quoting bleeding poetry?

"'Jesus H Christ.
Have I been, what,

"'set up, kidnapped by higher ranks
of gay police officers?"

'I did not fancy the night ahead
one little bit.'

In your own nasty little way, Eddie,
you think you're tough.

Even a little cruel.

But you don't know
how the world is run,

how toughly, how cruelly.

You have no choice
but to go the way we want you to go.

What you talking about?

'And I went.

'I'm ashamed to say,
I pissed my trousers.'

It's got nothing to do with me.

All I know is,
I'm owed 400 quid for this little lot.

What you got to do with all this?
That house in Regent's Park, that you?

What are you lot, anyway?

Stinking of scent!

We have our smell.
You, I see, have yours.

Put your hands out, Eddie.

Now, how can I put this in a way
that you'll understand?

(Driver laughs)

Let me put it like this...

'It was that laugh,

'the way the big bastard looked
at the neck of the other one,

'that did it for me.

'I went cold with hate.

'For the first time in my life.
I mean...

'I've hated. Who has not? But...

'I had the dead, cold flash
of the thought, cold as ice,

"'Maybe I can defeat these pissers,

"'turn round on whatever it was
they were doing to me."'

You haven't been listening
to a word I've been saying.


There is a thing called
the sword of Damocles.

Look upon it as an atom bomb

in a satellite circling forever
round your head.

One touch of the button
could blast you into dust.

That is what the unusual events
of this evening mean to you, Eddie.

- Fate?
- Why, yes.

- That girl you so horribly murdered.
- What?

I mean, the thing with the head
was bad enough.

- But what you did with the body...
- What?

Your finger dabs all over the hat box.

I threw it in the water.

That hat box belongs
to your ex-wife.

- Does it?
- Oh, yes.

Your Dana has become a high-f tier.

Fur coats, silk dresses,
lovely hats in leather hat boxes.

As I see it, you burgled her place.

Why not? You've probably got
my dabs all over that too!

What you've got to get
into your mind

is that your own little
third world war nuclear explosion

has been personally arranged.

And it might go of fat any time.

But don't worry.

Like the real thing,
it might never happen.

Oh? Good.


Off you go now, Eddie.

Go and live your life,
out into the night.

Here's 1 ,000 quid for expenses.

Oh, and as a gesture,

here's a bottle of GIenmorangie,
the best.

Duty-free size. You deserve it.

Off you go.

Oh, and Eddie?

Don't shoot your mouth off.

I mean, what can you say?

"I threw a severed head
into the Fiver Thames?

"I was given £1 ,000
by the Special Branch,

"who smelt of scent?"

My regards to Dana.

Why me?

Why me?

'I had to get back home.

'Where was home?

'Caractacus' floor.'

What is this?


- Hey, man!
- Sorry.

Oi. Wakey-wakey.

- Where's Caractacus?
- Who wants to know?

Don't give me that.
Don't bloody give me that!


Shit, man!

Yeah, well...

I just dropped by to pick up my bag.

Oh, don't you worry about that.
I've got your bag.

- Are you Eddie?
- What's it to you?

Letter for you.



"'Be hard to be kind. Go well."'

"'What is this?" I thought.

'I'd gone right through being tired,

'out the other side
of knackerdom.

'I blundered round the city,
scenes of last night's nightmare.

'The girl's fiat.

'The house in Regent's Park.

'The nightmare got worse.'

(Seagulls cry)

- You are barred.
- What do you mean?

- You are barred from this pub.
- But you know me.

BIoody winos, bloody fantasists.

- Stoker's the one I want.
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

'In 24 hours
how far can you go down?'


(Fog horn)

'A bottle of the best whisky
money can buy,

'20 fags,

'5020 quid notes with Her Majesty's
dear face looking up at me.

'Powerful objects
out of the real world.

"'Oh, no"' I thought.
"It really happened."

'South London.

'The foxes are doing well
out of the dustbins,

'better than the bloody humans.

'Two days I was stumbling around,
drinking that scotch.

'They wanted me to, didn't they?

'Drink their scotch,
spend their money.'


(Siren wailing)

'OK, OK.

'Off I went, in a nosedive.

'My brain in rags. Yeah.

'My brains pulled out of my head,

'waving like flags
over the crummy houses, the traffic,

'the dirty dog-shit grass.

'Woke up, head crystal clear.

'Rush of thoughts
of taking on the whole bloody world.

'Only trouble was,

'I couldn't stand up.

'Then I saw where I was.

'Camberwell Green.

'My wife's fiat, Peabody Buildings.

'I flooded myself
with superhuman will.

'I tell you,

'she hadn't half
done the place up.'

What is all this, Dana?

Get out, Eddie.

All this gear?

What is...? Oh. Oh!

Oh, dear!



You dirt!

Get off!
Put me down, you bastard!

What you been doing, you bitch?

What do you do
for fancy hats, then?


I'm moving back in.

Bloody hell!


Relax. I'm making you some dinner.

- Liver do you?
- Er... yeah, thanks. Ta, love.

Here. Put this on.

You look bloody awful. You might
as well look bloody ridiculous as well.

Here, whose is
all this poncey stuff, then?

- Who's asking?
- Your husband.

Fealty? I thought he was dead.

'My loving wife,

'still the same,

'all come, all go.'

♪ Da da-da da-da

♪ All you need is love, love

♪ Bleeding' love is all you need ♪

'There was something coming off her,

off her skin,
like she was older but younger.

'Something silky, something learnt.

'I mean...

'I pride myself when it comes
to a turnover with a chick, but this?

'I don't know.

'Dana and I, we'd been 15 rounds
together, one way and another.

'I broke her arm once,
for which she had her revenge.

'Nearly had my right eye out
a month later.

'Yeah, we knew each other very well.

'But this was a stranger who'd
been swimming in strange waters,

'bathing in milk and honey.

'It was frightening.

'Something deep, like...

'You know someone's got blue eyes.

'You've stared into them many a time.

'You meet a year later in bed
and her eyes have turned green.'

You think I'm lying through my teeth.

You think I've been on the piss
and that's that.

Well, well.

It's good to be loved and believed.

Don't cry, Eddie.

Last time you cried,
you threw an electric fire at me.

Who are they, Dana, eh?


They put all this stuff in this fiat.

Walked off with your hat box.

I haven't got a hat box.

Only Princess Margaret
and Princess Di have hat boxes,


You should know,
being so keen on 'em.

I could say...


...say we deserved each other.

I don't think so.
You're like death warmed up.

Have a sleep.

Warmed up.


I'll put the kettle on.



They'll be round in 20 minutes.

You smell of them,
the cream puffs in the car.

20 minutes, Eddie.

What are you? Their whore?

You want to break my arm?

You want to cut my head off,
put it in an hat box?




(Opens door)

(Tyres screech)

'Big guys,
filth written all over them.

'I'll step back in the shadows.
That is a talent I do have.

'£1 ,000. Actually, not much.

'I found a room.

'In a fit of being
my own chancellor of the exchequer,

'I paid three months ahead.

'It was a real wank-pit,
but I needed time

'to shed my old skin,
put on a new one.

'I kept going back
to where it had happened.

'I felt like a ghost,

'looking for some kind of sign
from the living that I was there.

'But nothing.

'Dana moved out.
There was no sign of her.

'Whatever crazy people
my once beloved was mixed up with,

'they sure looked after their property.

'Then I gave up hanging around.

'The weeks and the cash went,

'and I pulled myself together.'

"'Sod it"' I thought.
"They will not get me."

'I began to use that hate.

'I could begin to feel
a new skin growing over me.

'Then one day...'



(Train announcements)


The H-bomb's gone off.

That's the racing page
for you, old son.

What? Oh, yeah.

'So it started.
A right season in hell.'

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat,
where have you been?

♪ I've been to London
to see the queen

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat,
what did you do there?

♪ I frightened a mouse
under a chair

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat

♪ Pussy cat, pussy cat ♪