Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 2, Episode 8 - Calm a Chameleon - full transcript

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

NOW THERE'S NOTHING
STANDING BETWEEN ME

AND UNSPEAKABLE WEALTH

EXCEPT 2 TONS OF STEEL.

WHAT SEPARATES
THE CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

FROM THE CHEAP THUGS

IS THE ABILITY TO ADAPT
TO NEW SITUATIONSSSS.

AND NOBODY ADAPTS LIKE ME!

I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION
THE ONLY SURE WAY

TO MAKE MONEY

IS MAKING IT YOURSELF,

AND WITH THESE $100 PLATESSSS,
I'LL MAKE PLENTY!

I'M THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!

I'M THE SUBSTANTIAL PENALTY
FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL.

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

HMM, SOMETHING'S
MISSING HERE.

YEOWK!

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S THE--

LET ME GUESS,
YOU'RE THE CR-CR-CROOK.

YEAH, BUT KEEP
IT UNDER YOUR HAT!

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD.

LAUNCHPAD,
GET IN HERE!

HELP ME PUT THIS
BRUISER IN PRISON!

HOW ABOUT PUTTING IT
IN THE BROOM CLOSET?

HE WAS JUST HERE--

BIG GUY THE SIZE OF
A BUS, HARD TO MISS.

FOLLOW THAT MOP!

OVER THERE!

HAS A MOP
PASSED HERE--

DISHWATER BLOND,
NO VISIBLE SCARS?

HE WENT THAT WAY,
MISSSTER.

YOU SHOULD BE HOME
IN BED. IT'S LATE.

L.P., CALL
THIS CHILD A CAB.

[WHISTLING]

THANKS, MISSSTER.

REMEMBER, LAUNCHPAD,

EVERY GOOD
CRIME FIGHTER IS ALSO...

A GOOD SAMARITAN.

HONKER, WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M UP HERE.

WHO DID IT THIS TIME?

THE KIDS
IN BIOLOGY CLASS.

THEY CALLED ME A WIMPY
BOOKWORM NERDCAKE

WITH BAD TASTE
IN CLOTHES.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S TRUE?

WELL, OF COURSE
NOT. YOUR...

CLOTHES ARE FINE.

WHAT ABOUT
THE REST OF IT?

WELL, NO. YOU'RE
NOT EXACTLY A WIMP

OR A NERDCAKE,
GENERALLY SPEAKING.

I'M NOT?

WELL, NO. YOU'RE--

YOU'RE JUST, UH,
SUBDUED, THAT'S ALL.

IT'S THE SAME THING,
GOSALYN.

OH, A NERDCAKE
BY ANY OTHER NAME

IS STILL A WIMP.

OH, THE POOR WIMP.

ONCE I PRINT MY OWN MONEY,
I'LL GET MY REVENGE.

NOW FOR
THE FLAWLESS FORGERY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE!
IT'S PERFECT! IT'S--

IT'S A PUDDLE
ON THE FLOOR.

I MUSSSST FIND
QUALITY INK

OR I'LL NEVER
LEAVE THIS CAVE!

THIS IS
A VERY BAFFLING CASE,

BUT WITH PRIVACY
AND CONCENTRATION,

MAYBE--

DOAAAHHH!

[CRASH]

SOLVE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

FUNNY,
I WAS ABOUT
TO ASK YOU.

THE KIDS
CALL HONKER NAMES.

I'M TEACHING HIM
TO FIGHT BACK,

AND, FRANKLY, DAD,
I'LL NEED HELP.

SORRY. I'VE
GOT A TOUGH CASE.

I'M AGAINST A VILLAIN

WHO, BY ALL APPEARANCES,
CAN CHANGE APPEARANCES.

HE OR SHE OR IT'S
ALMOST LIKE A CHAMELEON.

JUST GIVE HIM
A FEW POINTERS.

YES! EXACTLY
LIKE A CHAMELEON,

COMPLETE WITH
A HISSING VOICE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN HELP HONKER

BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE UNWIMPIEST GUY
ON THE PLANET.

LOOK AT THAT IRON JAW.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
I COULD SPARE
A FEW MINUTES.

IT'S O.K.
TO BE MANIPULATED

IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE
BEING MANIPULATED.

WHEN SOMEONE ASKS
YOU TO DO SOMETHING,

DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE
SAYING NO?

YES.

HONKMAN,
YOU HAVE TO LEARN
TO BE ASSERTIVE.

AND THAT'S
WHY YOU NEED...

THE DARKWING DUCK
ASSERTIVENESS
TRAINING COURSE.

FOLLOW
EVERY RULE IN HERE

AND YOU'LL
BE A NEW MAN.

ROBBERY IN PROGRESS
AT INK, INCORPORATED!

TO THE RATCATCHER,
LAUNCHPAD!

THE DARKWING DUCK
ASSERTIVENESS
TRAINING COURSE.

READ IT, LEARN IT,
LIVE IT!

INK, INC., THE WORLD'S
LEADING SUPPLIER

OF INK-BLOT TESTS
FOR PSYCHIATRISTS.

EXCUSSSE ME.

NO PROBLEM, SIR.

EXCUSSSE ME?

L.P., THERE'S
THE LARCENOUS LIZARD
BEHIND THE CRIME WAVE!

WHOA, TALK ABOUT
A QUICK-CHANGE ARTIST.

TRY TO SCHEDULE
CHASE SEQUENCES
TO AVOID RUSH-HOUR.

WE CAN'T GET THROUGH
BUT WE'LL GET OVER.

WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY NOW?

HOW ABOUT--LOOK OUT,
WE'RE HEADING FOR A--

CONVERTIBLE.

SORRY. I'LL FIND YOU
A GOOD DETAIL SHOP.

WE HAVE HIM NOW.

IT'S ONE-WAY, AND
THIS ISN'T THE WAY.

DON'T WORRY, LAUNCHPAD.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[HORN HONKS]

WELL, LOOKS LIKE
THE OLD RATCATCHER

IS GOING
TO NEED A TUNE-UP.

SEE IF YOU
CAN FIND ANOTHER
WAY IN, LAUNCHPAD.

IF ONLY I HAD
SOMETHING TO DIG WITH.

PSSST!

YOU FOUND
AN ENTRANCE, L.P.?

YESSS, THISSS WAY.

HOLD IT, LAUNCHPAD.
THERE'S SOMETHING FUNNY
ABOUT YOUR VOICE.

THERE ISSS?

WE BETTER GET
YOU SOME LOZENGES.

UM, EH, EH, YES,
LOZENGES. GOOD IDEA.

LAUNCHPAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY HERE?

CAREFUL, D.W.
I'M NOT ME!

I SUGGEST YOU THROW DOWN
YOUR WEAPONS.

WELL I SUGGEST YOU HAVE A
DEFINITE SELF IMAGE PROBLEM!

ANYTHING ELSSSE?

COME ON, COME ON.

I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING ELSE,
BUT WHY THE RUBBER CHICKEN?

EH, GETS A LAUGH
AT PARTIES.

THE NAME'S CAMILLE.

FRIENDS CALL ME
THE CHAMELEON,
IF I HAD ANY.

YOU'VE INTERFERED
WITH ME LONG ENOUGH.

THIS COULD EXPLAIN
HER SHORTAGE OF FRIENDS.

TYING US DOWN
TO A RAILROAD TRACK,
EXCUSE ME?

NOT VERY ORIGINAL.

EH, EFFECTIVE, YES,
BUT NOT ORIGINAL.

YOU'LL NEVER SUCCEED,
REVOLTING REPTILE!

I DIDN'T ALWAYS
LOOK LIKE THISSS.

IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I WAS BEAUTIFUL

BUT NOT POPULAR.

THE "HOW I BECAME
A VILLAIN STORY."

I WAS DISLIKED,
I NEVER FIT IN,

SSSO I SPENT ALL
MY TIME SSSTUDYING,

ESPECIALLY BIOLOGY.

I WAS FASCINATED
BY CHAMELEONS.

THEY COULD
FIT IN ANYWHERE.

THE KIDS TEASED ME,

THEY CALLED ME
CAMILLE CHAMELEON.

[SNORES]

HUH? WHAT?

THEN I FIGURED A WAY

TO EXTRACT THE
CHAMELEON'S ESSENCCCE.

A FANTASTIC
THING HAPPENED.

LET ME GUESS.

YOU ACQUIRED AMAZING
TRANSFORMATIVE POWERS
LIKE A CHAMELEON?

EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
A FIENDISH REVENGE
PLOT TO PURSUE,

AND YOU HAVE
A TRAIN TO CATCH.

I'LL SWITCH THE TRAIN
ONTO THE OTHER TRACK...

IF I CAN JUST GET MY HAT...

USING SOMETHING LEARNED
FROM MY GREAT AUNT,

WHO HAPPENED TO
BE A CONTORTIONIST...

BULL'S EYE!

YOU JUST SWITCHED
THE TRAIN ONTO OUR TRACK!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
WE'RE ALIVE!

ONCE I FIND
A PRINTING PRESS,

I'LL HAVE EVERYTHING.

SSSO, HE ESSSCAPED!

THE NEXT TIME WE MEET,
HE WON'T BE SSSO LUCKY.

LET'S PLAY SOME BALL!

NO.

NO?

YES, NO.

HONKER,
ARE YOU DEVELOPING
A NEGATIVITY PROBLEM?

NO.

IT'S CHAPTER ONE
IN D.W.'S BOOK,

"LEARNING TO SAY NO."

I HAVE TO START
CHAPTER TWO NOW,

"CREATING THE NEW YOU."

OH, FINE.
GO AHEAD. I'LL JUST
TAKE UP KNITTING.

TO CATCH A RAT,

YOU SET THE TRAP,
THEN YOU LAY THE BAIT.

[TICKING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

WHOA!

HONKER, IS THAT YOU?

THE NAME'S SPECK.
HONKER'S A WIMP NAME.

AND SPECK ISN'T?

DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD?

YOU'VE GOT A PART
IN THE SCHOOL PLAY!

NOPE. YOUR
OLD MAN CLUED ME.

I DROPPED
THE WIMP ACT.

LAUNCHPAD, I THOUGHT
WE WERE LOCOMOTIVE MEAT.

WHAT DID YOU
DO TO HONKER?

WHAT'S HE
TURNED INTO?

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING
IS WORKING, HUH?

SO, UH, HOW'S
IT QUACKING, DUDES?

I GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YA.

WHAT'S THAT?

OOH! PEOW!

I THINK WE MAY
HAVE A PROBLEM HERE.

GUESS I WAS
BORN TO BE WILD!

YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN SO GOOD.

YEAH, WELL,
NOW I'M A REBEL,

AND I'LL NEVER
BE ANY GOOD.

HONKER, WHAT ARE YOU
REBELLING AGAINST?

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

ALL RIGHT,
YOU SVENGALI.

I WANT THE OLD
HONKER BACK NOW.

NOT NOW. THERE'S
A LARCENOUS LIZARD LOOSE!

DAN GANDER, OUTSIDE
THE HOME OF MRS. HOWL,

OWNER OF THE GIANT
NEWSPAPER CHAIN.

IF I WAS THE CHAMELEON,
WHAT WOULD I DO?

WHAT WOULD I STEAL?

SHE'S PURCHASED
THE CHAMELEON DIAMOND.

THAT WOULD WORK.

...DISPLAYED AT
THE CITY MUSEUM.

AHA! CAMILLE'S
GOING TO STEAL
THE CHAMELEON DIAMOND!

COME ON, LAUNCHPAD.

MRS. HOWL, ABOUT
YOUR RECENT PURCHASE

OF THE CHAMELEON DIAMOND?

SSSORRY, NO INTERVIEWS.

WHY IS THIS STUPID
THING HISSING?

I SSSIMPLY MUSSST GO.

HEY, IT'S HER HISSING.

DIDN'T DAD SAY THE CROOK
TALKED LIKE THAT?

OH, NO! HE'S PROBABLY
HEADING RIGHT INTO A TRAP!

HONKER! HONKER!
HONKER!

UH-UH-UH.

OH, O.K.,
I MEAN SPECK.

I NEED HELP.
MY--

DON'T LOOK AT ME.
I GOT MALLS TO CRUISE.

BUT--

CATCH YOU LATER, BABE!

SPECK!

WHAT NOW, D.W.?

IMPLEMENT THE THREE
"W"S OF A STAKEOUT--

WE WAIT, WE WATCH.
WE WHITTLE.

CAMILLE SHOULD BE
SHOWING UP
ANY SECOND NOW,

AND WHEN SHE DOES,

WE'RE GOING TO BLOW
THIS CASE WIDE OPEN!

[CLOCK TICKING]

DAD! LAUNCHPAD!
WE GOT TO BEAT IT!

NICE TRY, CAMILLE,
ALIAS THE CHAMELEON,

BUT WE ALREADY FELL
FOR THAT ONE.

FOOL ME ONCE,
SHAME ON YOU.

FOOL ME TWICE,
SHAME ON ME.

IT LOOKS LIKE
GOSALYN, D.W.

IT IS ME!

THEN PROVE IT.

YOU'RE DRAKE MALLARD.

IN YOUR
DRESSER DRAWER,

YOU HAVE BOXER SHORTS
WITH HEARTS.

ALL RIGHT ALREADY!

I BELIEVE YOU.

THAT MRS. HOWL
WASN'T REALLY MRS. HOWL.

IT'S GOT TO BE A TRAP.

GOSALYN,
I'M A HIGHLY-TRAINED
CRIME FIGHTER.

I'D KNOW IF I WAS
WALKING INTO A--

LOOK OUT!
IT'S A TRAP!

OH, BOY!
THANKS, GOS.

WE'D HAVE BEEN
TEXTURE-COATING
THE WALLS.

THAT LOATHSOME LIZARD
IS DETERMINED

TO CUT SHORT
MY BRILLIANT CAREER.

WHAT'S SHE UP TO?

IF SHE'S PASSING HERSELF
AS MRS. HOWL,

THEN SHE MUST BE TRYING
TO TAKE CONTROL

OF THE HOWL
PUBLISHING EMPIRE!

I'LL CHANGE INTO
SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

WITH HOWL'SSS
PRINTING PRESSES,

I'LL BE THE WORLD'S
RICHEST WOMAN.

FIND THE REAL
MRS. HOWL.

TELL HER
A COUNTERFEIT'S
ON THE LOOSE.

I DON'T WANT TO MISS
ALL THE--

SAY NO MORE.
I'M OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, LAUNCHPAD.

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
YOU SLITHERING SWINDLER!

YOU AGAIN?

I'M NOT EASY
TO GET RID OF.

YOU CAN TRY, BUT
I KEEP COMING BACK.

I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM
WITH ROACHES,

BUT YOU'RE ABOUT TO
BECOME YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

AHH...

THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

THANKS FOR READING

THEDAILY EXAMINER
TIMES.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN OUT
OF CIRCULATION.

COME ON, L.P.

WE'VE GOT TO STOP
THAT CAGEY CHAMELEON.

HONKER!
I MEAN, SPECK!

YOU GOT TO GET ME
TO MRS. HOWL.

NOT WHILE
I'M COMBING.

IT'S MY DAD.

HE'S AT HER COMPANY.

THERE COULD BE
SERIOUS TROUBLE--

TROUBLE IS
MY MIDDLE NAME,
SWEET CHICK.

GREAT! GET ME
TO HOWL MANOR.

IT'S THAT WAY!

HAH! SPECK DOES NOT
RUN FROM TROUBLE.

I'VE GOT YOU--
OH!

HA! I'M TOO SLICK
FOR THAT FOOL.

[BUGLE CHARGE PLAYING]

AAH!

PLEASE FASTEN
YOUR SEAT BELTS

AND RETURN
ALL TRAYS TO THEIR
LOCKED POSITIONS.

I'LL GET HER!

DID YOU FIND
THE REAL HOWL?

NO. BIKER DUDE
DIDN'T WANT TO
MISS THE ACTION.

THAT'S RIGHT.

OL' SPECK'S
B-B-BAD TO THE B-B-BONE.

LAUNCHPAD, THAT'S NOT
LIKE YOU AT ALL.

NO, IT'S NOT,
ISSS IT?

YOU REALIZE I'LL HAVE TO
PHYSICALLY HURT YOU NOW.

HOLD ON! IT'S ME!

WELL, THEN
WHICH ONE'S HER?

NO, I'M ME, TOO.

UNDERWEAR WITH HEARTS.

AND YOU'RE HONKER.

NO.

THIS IS SPECK.

REMEMBER THAT IDENTITY
CRISIS YOU GAVE HIM?

WHAT HAPPENED TO
THAT LOUSY LIZARD?

NOW, UH,
WHICH ONE'S YOU?

I AM!

NO, I AM!

ONE OF YOU
CAN'T BE YOU.

NICE TRY, LAUNCHPAD.

YOU GET
ONE MORE CHANCE.

WE GOT TO
STOP HER, HONKER,

I MEAN, SPECK.

SHE CAN'T BE
SSSTOPPED.

I'LL HANDLE THIS,
BABE.

[HISSING]

JUST AS
I THOUGHT.

HA HA HA HA!
ANOTHER PHONY.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE BETTER THINK
OF SOMETHING FAST.

YOU'RE THE ONE
WITH THE BRAINS.
USE THEM!

THERE IS ONE THING.

SINCE LIZARDS
ARE COLD-BLOODED,

THE HEAT SPEEDS UP
HER METABOLISM.

SOMEBODY TURN DOWN
THE HEAT!

I'M FEELING KIND OF--

IT'S TOO HOT IN HERE.

I CAN'T--

WITH HER METABOLIC RATE
SPED UP,

SHE CAN'T CONTROL
HER TRANSFORMATIONS.

SSSOMEBODY--SSSOMEBODY,
HELP ME! HELP ME!

I'M TURNING INTO
A LIZARD!

YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND
THE NEXT 10 YEARS

IN A MAXIMUM SECURITY
TERRARIUM.

AND AS FOR YOU, SPECK--

HONKER.

WHOEVER YOU ARE,
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

THE ONLY WAY
TO REALLY BE HAPPY

IS TO BE WHO YOU ARE.

THIS FROM A MAN
IN A CAPE AND MASK.

WELL, I HAVE
TO DO THIS...

FOR PROFESSIONAL REASONS.

I'M NOT MALADJUSTED
OR ANYTHING.

IT CAN'T BE THAT,
CAN IT?

DON'T ANSWER THAT.