Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 59 - U.F. Foe - full transcript

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT OF
THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE SOME
VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS ARE
OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

THIS IS THE DESERT--

A CRUEL OVEN WHERE THE
SAND IS THE BAKING DISH

AND MYSTERY IS THE CASSEROLE.

GOSALYN, QUIT
WASTING TAPE!

IT WOULD BE NICE TO
HAVE A LITTLE LEFT

FOR OUR ACTUAL VACATION.

YOU DON'T WANT TO
STUNT THE GROWTH

OF A YOUNG AND UP-AND-COMING
FILMMAKER, DO YOU?

HERE'S YOUR
CLOSE-UP, LAUNCHPAD.

SHOW US THE REAL YOU.

LAUNCHPAD! KEEP YOUR
EYES ON THE ROAD!

THIS IS GREAT! I LOVE THE
TENSION, THE PATHOS.

AFTER THIS I'LL BE READY FOR
SOME BIG-TIME SLASHER FILMS.

THEN, POW! THE MEGABUCKS
START ROLLING IN.

SURE. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT
YOUR CHAIN OF LEMONADE STANDS.

IT WOULD'VE WORKED IF
LAUNCHPAD HADN'T DRUNK
THE PROFITS.

I WAS THIRSTY.
BUILDING LEMONADE
STANDS IS HARD WORK.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW BUT
HERE IT COMES AGAIN!

BOY, NIGHT SURE COMES ON
FAST IN THESE PARTS.

WELL, HERE'S THE BEST THAT
COWBOY DOUG'S DUDE RANCH

HAS TO OFFER.

HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT.

I SHOULD DO A WESTERN.
THAT'S CLASSIC CINEMA.

BUT THE IDEA'S GONNA
NEED SOME TOP SPIN.

MAYBE SOME CHAIN SAW ZOMBIES.

GIVE IT A REST.

THE POINT OF A VACATION
IS TO RELAX.

AND YOU CAN RELAX TO
YOUR HEART'S CONTENT

SOON AS I FIX THIS BED.

THAT THING WAS AS TIGHT
AS MA'S CORSET TIES

WHY WOULD WE NEED A
THIRD BED?

BEATS ME, BUT THAT'S
WHAT YOU ORDERED.

SORRY. NO REFUNDS.

AND REMEMBER,
BREAKFAST AT SIX

COWPOKE AEROBICS AT SEVEN.

NIGHT, Y'ALL.

EXCELLENT. AT LEAST
WE HAVE A TV.

GOSALYN, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE GETTING BACK TO BASICS.

DAD, IT'S A BLACK
AND WHITE SET.

HOW BASIC CAN YOU GET?

IF I KNEW YOU WERE
PACKING THIS MUCH

I WOULD HAVE RENTED
A FORKLIFT.

IT'S NOT MINE. WE
EXPERIMENTAL FILMMAKERS
TRAVEL LIGHT.

IF IT'S NOT YOURS,
WHOSE IS IT?

LAUNCHPAD?

DAD! OVER HERE. HURRY!

WE DIDN'T COME ALL
THE WAY OUT HERE

JUST TO WATCH SLEAZY
SCI-FI MOVIES.

LOOK AT THOSE CHEAP
ALIEN SUITS.

YOU CAN ALMOST
SEE THE ZIPPERS.

AND LOOK HOW
LAUNCHPAD'S
OVERACTING.

LAUNCHPAD?!

WHEN DID HE
DO A MOVIE?

DAD, THESE ARE
MY HOME VIDEOS.

I THINK I'M
BEGINNING TO REMEMBER.

KEEN GEAR!
REAL ALIENS!

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, SPIELBERG.

I'M GETTIN' A CLOSE-UP.

HEY!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE AFTER.

TO THEM, WE COULD BE
THE LUNCH SPECIAL

AT THE GALACTIC BAR AND GRILL.

I THINK I KNOW THESE GUYS.

SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU BOYS TO
THIS NECK OF THE WOODS?

HEY! COME BACK WITH
MY SIDEKICK!

OR AT LEAST HOLD
STILL TILL I FOCUS.

WATCH IT NOW.
YOU'RE TICKLING.

COME BACK HERE, YOU
KIDNAPPING COWARDS!

LOOKING FOR A CLOSE
ENCOUNTER, UGLIES?

WELL, ENCOUNTER THIS.

HE MUST'VE ZAPPED US
WITH A MEMORY ERASER.

THAT'S WHY WE FORGOT
ABOUT LAUNCHPAD.

WELL, THEY DIDN'T REALIZE
THEY WERE DEALING WITH
DARKWING DUCK.

THE DEVOTED DARKWING DUCK
DELVES INTO THE DESERT

DIEHARDEDLY DIGGING
FOR DOCUMENTATION

OF HIS PARDNER'S DEPARTING.

ALIENS!

SOME ALIEN, DAD.

WELL, ONE NEVER KNOWS

WHAT FIENDISH FORM AN
EXTRATERRESTRIAL MIGHT TAKE.

SO THERE.

LAUNCHPAD HAS ALL THE LUCK.

I'D MAKE A GREAT SPECIMEN.

WHY COULDN'T THE
ALIENS ABDUCT ME?

PERHAPS YOUR REPUTATION
PRECEDES YOU.

FUNNY.

HEY, LOOK!

I FOUND A CLUE.

AND BEFORE YOU TOO.

THIS ISN'T A CLUE. IT'S
JUST A FLASHLIGHT.

OK. YEAH, FINE, IT COULD
BE A CLUE. SURE.

WOW! DAD, WE'RE ABOUT TO
HAVE OUR SECOND CLOSE
ENCOUNTER,

AND I WASN'T TOO HAPPY
ABOUT THE FIRST ONE.

STAY BEHIND ME, GOSALYN.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.

HOW COULD YOU MISPLACE
THE ATOMIZER?

STOP! ONCE WE RETURN
TO ZARLOX 5,

I'M GONNA SEE YOU BOILED
IN CREBUS OIL

AND LEFT OUT FOR
THE ZAVACOS.

THESE GUYS DON'T
LOOK SO TOUGH.

NOW FIND THAT ATOMIZER.

YOU SEE THE TROUBLE
YOU'VE CAUSED.

WE'LL TAKE OUT ATOMIZER BACK
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND.

SURE. RIGHT AFTER YOU
HAND OVER LAUNCHPAD.

OH, A THREAT. HOW
TYPICALLY EARTHLING.

HEEEEY!

PUT ME DOWN!

ALL RIGHT. SPECIAL EFFECTS.

THE ATOMIZER, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

FANTASTIC, DAD, BUT I
WAS SWITCHING BATTERIES.

I NEED A RETAKE.

THE MEMORIES OF THESE MATTERS
SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN OFF.

PERHAPS I'LL USE A MORE
PERMANENT METHOD

OF DEALING WITH THEM.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, BLEEB.

THEY'RE WITH ME.

AS YOU WISH,
LAUNCHPAD.

SORRY ABOUT THAT,

BUT YOU KNOW HOW
EXTRATERRESTRIALS GET
CARRIED AWAY,

I BET THEY DISSECTED YOU AND
STUCK YOU UNDER A MICROSCOPE.

CAN I SEE YOUR STITCHES?

OH, NOTHING LIKE
THAT, GOSALYN.

THESE GUYS ARE
REALLY NICE.

IN FACT, WE'RE KIND
OF LIKE OLD FRIENDS.

YOU SEE, I DIDN'T
ALWAYS LOVE TO FLY.

IN FACT, I WAS
AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.

OF COURSE, THAT DOESN'T
GO OVER REAL BIG WITH A
FAMILY OF PILOTS.

SO, DAD DECIDED THAT
THE ONLY WAY TO CURE ME

WAS TO TAKE ME FLYING

WHILE HE PRACTICED HIS
ROUTINE FOR THE AIR SHOW.

IT CERTAINLY DID
TEACH ME ONE THING--

ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU
FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT.

I THOUGHT I'D EATEN MY
LAST BIRTHDAY CAKE.

BUT THAT'S WHEN I MET TIA.

IT WAS LIKE AT FIRST SIGHT.

IN FACT, I LIKED HER SO MUCH,

THAT I FORGOT TO BE AFRAID.

TO PAY HER BACK FOR
TEACHING ME TO LIKE FLYING,

I SHOWED HER HOW TO HAVE FUN.

SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T GET TO
DO MUCH ON HER PLANET.

OH YEAH, SHE ALSO HELPED
ME WITH MY LANDINGS.

AHHH! ALIENS!

BUT FIRST SHE NEEDED A DISGUISE

TO MAKE HER LOOK MORE
LIKE AN EARTHLING.

GEE, I WISH THIS COULD
GO FASTER, DON'T YOU?

HEE HEE HEE HEE!

HA HA HA HA!

YEP, IT WAS THE MOST
FUN I'VE EVER HAD.

UNTILTHEY CAME FOR HER.

I WAS ZAPPED BACK TO MY DAD
LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

YOU'RE LOOKING A
LITTLE WOOZY, SON.

MAYBE WE BETTER
GO BACK DOWN.

SO WHY DID
THEY COME BACK?

THEY CAME FOR ME.

YOU SEE, SINCE TIA
AND I FIRST MET,

SHE'S BECOME QUEEN
OF THE GALAXY.

WOW!

NICE PROMOTION.

BUT WHAT'S THAT GOT
TO DO WITH YOU?

LAUNCHPAD AND TIA
ARE TO UMPAH.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.

HA, HA, HA. IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK, D.W.

TIA AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED.

I'LL BE THE NEW KING
OF THE GALAXY.

TALK ABOUT A CREDIBILITY GAP.

WAY TO GO, LAUNCHPAD.

GIVE ME THE GALACTIC FILM
RIGHTS AND I'LL CUT YOU IN

FOR 15% OF THE PROFITS,
GROSS, OF COURSE.

CUT THE SHOW BIZ BUZZ, GOSALYN.

I WANT TO KNOW THE REAL REASON
SHE WANTS TO MARRY LAUNCHPAD.

FACE IT, HE'S NOT
EVEN A HOMEOWNER.

YOU INFERIOR BEING!

YOU DARE QUESTION
THE QUEEN'S CHOICE?

FOR THAT, THE PUNISHMENT
IS DEEVOLUTION.

HA! I'VE HAD WORSE SHOCKS
FROM MY LIVING ROOM RUG.

HA! YOURSELF.

OH, DAD!

WE HAVE CROSSED
GALACTIC QUADRANT TO
RETURN TO YOUR PLANET.

YOU SEE, DARKWING,
WE NEED LAUNCHPAD.

OURS IS AN ANCIENT RACE,

WHO IN THE PURSUIT OF
SCIENCE AND PROGRESS,

BECAME COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL.

WE LOST SIGHT OF LIFE'S
SIMPLE PLEASURES.

SPEAKING OF SIMPLE
PLEASURES,

HOW 'BOUT EVOLVING MY DAD INTO
SOMETHING WITH A BACKBONE.

I'M SORRY. OF COURSE. BLEEB.

OOH, ALL RIGHT.

BUT I DON'T LIKE
HIS ATTITUDE.

LISTEN YOU, I OUGHT TO
TAKE YOUR--

HA HA, BON APPETIT,

YOU FRIEND, LAUNCHPAD, GAVE
ME THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER.

HEY THERE, GO ON, GET
OUT OF HERE, YOU NUTS.

GEE, LAUNCHPAD, I'M
SURE GONNA MISS YOU.

WILL YOU VISIT?

SURE, WHENEVER I'M IN
THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING?

UNTIL NOW I RATED BEING
FROM THE SAME PLANET

PRETTY HIGH ON THE OLD
COMPATIBILITY CHART.

BUT TIA THINKS I CAN DO A
LOT OF GOOD OUT THERE.

BUT YOU'RE ALREADY DOING A
LOT OF GOOD DOWN HERE.

AH, D.W. DOESN'T
NEED ME TO FIGHT
CRIME.

BESIDES, I ALWAYS FIGURED
YOU'D BE TAKING MY SPOT

SOONER OR LATER.

BUT, LAUNCHPAD, NO ONE
CAN TAKE YOUR SPOT.

SUCH EMOTIONAL EXCESS--
HOW SLOPPY.

SO, TELL ME, BLEEB,

JUST WHAT WILL LAUNCHPAD'S
KINGLY DUTIES BE?

HE'LL BE REQUIRED TO
OVERSEE UMFLATA MATTERS,

BECOME CHAIRMAN OF THE
GALACTIC COUNCIL,

AND TEND TO ALL INTERSTELLAR
TRANSMODULATIONS.

LAUNCHPAD? ARE YOU SURE YOU
HAVE THE RIGHT McQUACK?

QUESTIONING THE QUEEN'S
CHOICE AGAIN?

NOW THAT I
THINK OF IT,

GETTING UMPAHED
IS A BIG STEP.

YOU GUYS ARE ASKING ME
TO LEAVE MY HOME,

MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS,

EVEN MY PLANET.

NOT TO MENTION MY ANT FARM
AND BOTTLE CAP COLLECTION.

MARRIAGE MEANS COMMITMENT,
RESPONSIBILITIES,

A MORTGAGE WITH A
BALLOON PAYMENT--

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I'M GONNA NEED A LOT OF
TIME TO THINK THIS OVER.

YOU HAVE UNTIL
TOMORROW.

OK.

PLACES, EVERYBODY!

YOU'RE KIDDING ME! IF "SPACE
BOYS OF GOWER GULCH"

IS GONNA BE A CROSS
GENRE MEGA-HIT,

WE'RE GONNA NEED
A BIGGER CAST.

WOW! CLONES! I CAN HAVE
A CAST OF THOUSANDS!

HOPE THEY WORK FOR SCALE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE L.P. IS GOING
ALONG WITH THIS WEDDING.

EITHER THOSE SNEAKY E.T.s
ARE UP TO SOMETHING

OR LOVE IS A LOT BLINDER
THAN I THOUGHT.

NOW IF ONLY I COULD GET
INSIDE TO CHECK THINGS OUT.

HERE'S MY TICKET NOW.

THERE'S NO PLACE
ON ANY PLANET

THAT DARKWING DUCK
CAN'T SNEAK INTO.

NOW THE DARING DETECTIVE
DALLIES WITH DANGER

TO UNCOVER A PLOT OF
ALIEN INTRIGUE.

QUIT DADDLING. WE'VE GOT
IMPORTANT WORK TO DO

BEFORE THE ROYAL UMPAH.

[ BEEPING ]

DON'T BACKTALK ME. WE MUST
DEAL WITH THE EARTHLING

BEFORE THE CEREMONY.

I KNEW IT! I GUESS I'LL
JUST FOLLOW THEM.

I TOLD YOU YOU WERE
HEARING THINGS.

I'M NOTHING IF
NOT RESOURCEFUL.

OOH, YUK!

AND ME WITHOUT A BROMO.

I'VE DONE IT!

THE FIRST PERFECT COMPUTERIZED
BRAIN TRANSPLANT!

AND NOW, TO TEST IT.

NO. NO. NO. NO. IT'S
MUCH TOO SMART!

THIS IS, OF COURSE,
ALL YOUR FAULT.

I HOPE I CAN FIX IT.

THERE.

NOW LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN.

EXCELLENT. A PERFECT MATCH.

ONCE THIS BABY'S INSIDE
THE EARTHLING'S SKULL,

I'LL NOT ONLY CONTROL HIM,

BUT, THROUGH HIM, THE QUEEN.

AND THROUGH HER, THE GALAXY.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

THOUGH I REALLY SHOULD TEST IT
IN AN EARTHLING BODY FIRST.

YOU WON'T BE TESTING
IT ON ANYBODY!

NOT WITH DARKWING
DUCK HERE!

DUCK? MORE LIKE A GUINEA PIG.

GEE, I FEEL SO LIGHTHEADED.

OK. OK, DARKWING,
DON'T PANIC.

YOU'VE SEEN WORSE. YOU'VE
SEEN MUCH WORSE.

NO YOU HAVEN'T! WAAAA!

I'M A BRAIN WITHOUT A BODY!

IT'S ME! I MEAN,
IT'S MY BODY!

YO! BRAINLESS! OVER HERE!

YOU HEARD ME! YOU HEARD ME!

YOU'RE MY WHATEVER.
NOW, LISTEN--

YOU HAVE TO-- WAAAA!

I'D SAY THE EXPERIMENT WAS A
SUCCESS. WOULDN'T YOU?

AND AS A BONUS, I NOW HAVE
LAUNCHPAD'S BEST FRIEND

TO BRING HIM TO MY LAB.

THEN YOU TWO CAN HAVE A REAL
MEETING OF THE MINDS, HA-HA-HA!

HE THINKS HE'S WON.

WELL, NOT WHILE I HAVE
ONE SYNAPSE SPARKING.

I AM THE COVER THAT
FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I AM THE HEADACHE IN
THE CRIMINAL MIND.

I AM DARKWING'S BRAIN!

HANG ON, LAUNCHPAD!
I'M COMING!

OH, LAUNCHPAD, I THINK
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE THE LAST
TIME I SAW SOMETHING LIKE THIS

IT WAS BECAUSE THE ANCHOVIES
ON MY PIZZA WENT BAD.

TIA, ARE YOU SURE ABOUT
THIS UMPAH THING?

WE BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER.

WELL, I KNOW YOU ARE
KIND AND HAVE A GOOD
HEART.

THE REST WILL COME

AND IT WILL MEAN
MUCH TO THE GALAXY.

WELL, I MUST BE FITTED
FOR MY WEDDING GOWN.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

GREAT! I FOUND HIM
BEFORE BLEEB.

GET AWAY FROM ME!
GET AWAY FROM ME!

STEADY, L.P.

THE KING OF THE GALAXY
HAS TO GET USED

TO ALL TYPES OF
DISGUSTING ALIENS.

WHAT IS IT, BOY? ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

LET'S TRY ONE BOUNCE FOR
YES AND TWO FOR NO.

AH, WAIT. AND THREE FOR MAYBE,

FOUR FOR YOU'RE GETTING
WARMER, FIVE FOR--

OH, I GET IT. YOU
WANT TO PLAY.

HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE B-BALL?

HEY, D.W., THINK FAST!

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMEPLACE
WHERE I CAN PLUG INTO A TV.

AH, WHOA! KEEN GEAR!

ORSON WELLES NEVER
HAD A SHOT LIKE THIS.

...AND BRING
LAUNCHPAD TO
THE LAB.

DARKWING DUCK'S BRAIN IS
OF NO USE TO US.

DAD?

IT'S LAUNCHPAD'S BRAIN
WE MUST REPLACE.

OK, YOU BRAIN-SUCKING ALIEN,

WELCOME TO "TOTALLY
EMBARRASSING VIDEOS."

ONCE I'VE REPLACED THE
EARTHLING'S BRAIN,

IT'LL BE NOTHING
MORE THAN MY PUPPET.

THE QUEEN WILL LISTEN
TO HIS EVERY WORD.

AND HIS WORDS WILL BE MINE.

HEY! OOH!

SO THE LITTLE DIRECTOR
IS MAKING A FILM.

WELL, I HAVE SOME SHOOTING
OF MY OWN TO DO.

NICE HOOK SHOT, D.W.

BUT DO WE HAVE TO GO
TO THE LAB NOW?

I'M JUST GETTIN' WARMED UP.

OK, THAT'S IT!

TIME FOR A LITTLE
MIND OVER MALLARD.

HYAH!

WHOA!

BOY, THOSE GUYS PLAY ROUGH.

GIVE MY REGARDS TO
THE PRIMORDIAL SOUP.

LOOK OUT!

NICE WORK, GUYS.

WELL, THANKS FOR THE
BRAIN WASH-AND-DRY,

BUT I'LL STILL HAVE TO
INFORM THE AUTHORITIES
ABOUT YOU.

I'M AFRAID YOUR PLANET IS NOT
READY FOR THAT INFORMATION.

DON'T WORRY, KID. I'LL CUT
YOU IN ON THE BOOK DEAL.

HEY, I UNDERSTAND, GUYS.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

HEY! OOPS, NOW HOW'D
THOSE GET IN THERE?

I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND, LAUNCHPAD.

GEE, TIA, IT TAKES MORE
THAN FUN TO MAKE AN
UMPAH WORK.

BESIDES, D.W. NEEDS ME.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND THE
PERFECT GUY SOMEDAY.

OUCH! YOU GUYS GOT A
WEIRD WAY OF ASKING FOR
SOUVENIRS.

GOODBYE, LAUNCHPAD.

GOSALYN, QUIT WASTING TAPE.

IT WOULD BE NICE TO
HAVE A LITTLE LEFT

FOR OUR ACTUAL VACATION.

COME ON, DAD. YOU
DON'T WANT TO STUNT
THE GROWTH

OF A YOUNG AND
UP-AND-COMING
FILMMAKER, DO YOU?

HEY, WHAT'S TO CRY
ABOUT, LITTLE LADY?

COME ON, LET'S PLAN SOME FUN.