Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 4 - Getting Antsy - full transcript

♪ Daring duck of mystery ♪

♪ Champion of right ♪

♪ Swoops out of the shadows ♪

♪ Darkwing of the night ♪

♪ Somewhere some villain schemes ♪

♪ But his number's up ♪

♪ 3, 2, 1! ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Let's get dangerous.



♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing, Darkwing Duck! ♪

♪ A cloud of smoke and he appears ♪

♪ The master of surprise ♪

♪ Who's that cunning mind behind ♪

♪ The shadowy disguise ♪

♪ Nobody knows for sure ♪

♪ The bad guys are out of luck
Here comes ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Look out! ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Let's get dangerous! ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪



♪ You better watch out, you bad boys ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Six burglars, nine car thieves,
21 muggers, 11 kidnappers,

five international terrorists...

[yawns]

and a voodoo king with an army of zombies.

[yawns]

Boy, for such a slow night,
I sure am pooped.

[crunch]

Aw, that's the last
of the candy corn chips.

What do you say we stop off
for a burger or three, D.W.?

How can you possibly be hungry?

You've been eating all night.

Hey, you burn a lot of calories
thwarting evil.

Fine. Lovely.

I bet Tonto never made
the Lone Ranger stop for burgers.

Did I just see? Wasn't there just...

Nah. Boy, am I one tired champion
of righteousness or what?

Don't shoot. The cash is in the register.

[laughs]
Don't let the mask fool you.

I'm Darkwing Duck,
protector of the innocent, defender of...

You're no robber?

Correct, I'm not a robber.

You're just some weirdo in a mask?

Correct. I'm just some weirdo in a mask.

Hey!

You gonna order?

But I'm...

I'll have two cheese-food-product burgers
with fries, one hippo shake,

and an apple-flavored pie substitute.

How about you, D.W.?

A new sidekick, perhaps?

[man] That's $6.92.

Thank you and have a pleasant evening.

Can you get this one, D.W.?

My hands are kinda full.

Whoa. Don't want to spill
any artificial additives

on my lucky scarf.

[slurp]

Oh, tasty. Can I have an extra...

burger to go?

Talk about fast food.

Finally, our bleary-eyed bastion
of bravery and bravado heads home

to his warm bed, soft pillow,
blue blankie, and--

[Launchpad] Oh, no!

Where? What is it? Murder? Fire?
Alien invaders?

I left my scarf at Hamburger Hippo's.

A crisis of epic proportions.

[tires squeal]

[Launchpad] Wow!
Business must really be bad.

Looks like they just up and moved.

Don't be ridiculous, Launchpad.
It's a crime.

Yeah, you can say that again.
This was my favorite place.

Do you realize what this means?

Uh, I need to get a new scarf?

[teeth chattering]

Something bothering you, citizen?

It-- They had-- I...

Perhaps if you begin at the beginning.

I thought I heard a noise out back.

I went to look, and when I turned around,
the whole place was gone.

Just like that. Poof, gone.

I see. And did you see who did this?

No one. Nothing. No one!

Put your worries in the deep fryer.

I'll solve this burger burglary
before your buns cool off.

With the midnight mallard on the case,

no detail will be overlooked.

Let's see, now.

Whoever heisted the Hippo
must be a very shrewd operator.

They didn't leave a thing.

If only I could find a clue!

[Launchpad] If only I could find
my Hippo burger.

How can I sift clues when I'm hungry?

[Darkwing] Maybe we're missing something.

Something right under... our noses.

My burger! Gee, looks a little rare.

[Darkwing] Don't be a booby, Launchpad.
It's just ants!

Well, they're stealing my burger.

Gotcha!

Hey! Let go!

It's mine!

[laughing]
Don't feel so bad, L.P.

After all, ants can lift
more than ten times their weight.

Big deal! Anybody can lift ten times
an ant's weight.

Right. Well, there's nothing more
to be learned here.

We can learn where those ants
are taking my burger.

Must you get so obsessed
with irrelevant trivialities?

Come. Darkwing Duck must disappear...

[yawns]
with the dawn.

What are you trying to do,
lead Darkwing Duck right to me?

[grumbles]

I invented this headgear
so I could talk to you.

But do you listen? Uh-uh.

No. All you ever do is just munch,
munch, munch, munch!

[squeaking]

Of course you can keep your burger!

[ants cheering]

Onto the truck, double time!

Now, let's hope that Darkwing Ducky
doesn't pick up our trail

'cause we've got lots of shopping to do.

Oh, how can I choose?

I'm like a kid in a candy store.

Oh, it's no use.

Ha-ha. I'll just have to take them all.

[tires screeching]

Oh! It's all like a beautiful dream.

What a collection I'll have.

Hurry, now, hurry! It'll be light soon,

and we've got to get
our new little toys home.

[yelling]

[ants snickering]

[rooster crows]

[snoring]

[Gosalyn] Fore!

An easy six iron,
wouldn't you say, Honker?

Have I ever told you the story

of the little girl, the golf club,
and the firing squad?

Now, please, I just want a little sleep.

[snores]

Did you forget?

I never forget.

But, just out of curiosity,

which of the many things
I haven't forgotten are you referring to?

[Gosalyn] The one where you take me
and Honker to Goony Golf.

I was afraid it was that one.

Hum, Gosalyn...

You're not trying to weasel out
of this one, are you?

Actually, yes.

[Gosalyn] OK, fine.

It's just that I'm so tired.

[Gosalyn] No, it's fine.
We'll just play inside today.

[bullet sound]

Sometimes being a parent
makes crime-fighting seem easy.

Gosalyn!

Honker, we're going.

Yippee! Goony Golf, here we come!

Hey, D.W., look at this stuff.

That looks just like the St. Canard
Trade Center downtown.

[yawns]

Nothing but a bunch
of cheap papier-mâché models.

[exclamation]

Uh, greetings, Goony Golfers!

Admission for two adults
and two tiny terrorists.

And a hot dog.

I'm hungry.

Hey! More ants.

[whispers]
Give me that!

[giggles]
Uh, happy golfing.

[thud]

[spits]

[yawns]

[clank]

[spits]

[yawns]

[spits]

[yawns]

Boy, what a dumb place
to put a water main.

[beeps]

This isn't brain surgery, Honker.
Just hit the ball.

I'm afraid
the hole's in the opposite dir--

[Drake] Ow!

Nice shot, Honker.

Thank you, Mr. Mallard.

You look kinda tired, D.W.

Why don't you take a little nap
while I show these kids how the pros putt?

[Drake yawning]
No, no, no. That's not... necessary.

[crash]

[snoring]

[clang]

Hamburger Hippo?

Launchpad's scarf.

Hmm. Either I'm dreaming
or this is a job for...

William Drakespeare!

Oh. Wrong costume.

This is no time for poetry.

It's time for Darkwing Duck!

All right. Who's the joker
with the flashbulb?

Boy, they really oughtta mow
the grass around here.

Now, I wonder where Launchpad went.
I might need some help on this case.

Whoa. Must be the jumbo economy size.

Wow! Some of these miniature golf things
look almost real.

[roars]

OK, fine.

I'm... dreaming.

Yes, that's it. I'm dreaming.

And to prove this, I shall pinch myself.

Ouch!

[roaring]

Nice snail. Pretty snail.

I'm surrounded by giant ants,
but that doesn't bother me.

After all, I'm the terror
that flaps in the night.

I am...

The smallest, weakest thing
in the whole place,

and I'm also outta here!

Wait a minute.

I can't panic. I'm Darkwing Duck.

So what if I'm in a land of...
[gulps]

giants?

Yikes!

[gasps]

Gosalyn!

Down here! It's me! Darkwing!

[spring sound]

Whew! What a relief.

If that's Gosalyn,

I can't be in a land of giants.

Ha-ha. Sure, I've probably
just been shrunk to the size of a bug.

Blech!

Ah, there you are.
Thought you could hide from me, did you?

I wasn't hiding. Hey, what are you doing?

He-he. What's a nice ball like you
doing in a place like this?

Hey! Where are you going, L.P.?

Yoo-hoo! Down here! Hello!

[high-pitched]
L.P., help! No! Over here! Look!

[normal voice]
Whoa! Hold on! Stop! Stop!

[yelling]

Ho-ho! Good one.

Oh, no!

Ha-ha! Dexterous do-gooder Darkwing Duck
dips and dodges, deftly defying disaster.

[crash]

Put her right over there, little ones.

Ho-ho! That's it. Excellent!

Soon, all of St. Canard
will be part of Goony Golf.

[laughs]

Huh?

[squeaking]

You lost him?

Aha!

Mustard? You stopped for lunch,
didn't you?

[squeaking]

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell at you.

Now, here's a little treat.

[chuckles]

Maybe they'll help run down
our little visitor.

[all cheer]

Now, drive carefully.
[chuckles]

[revving engines]

Good thing this costume is wash-and-wear.

Let's see. I might be able
to make it to Launchpad,

but the slightest miscalculation
could spell doom.

[chuckles]
My kind of odds.

[Darkwing] Right on target.

[buzzing]

Lot of bugs today.

[yelling]

Ha! Saved by my catlike reflexes.

-[fabric tearing]
-Whoops!

That does it.

No more cheap polyester capes
for this duck.

[ants cheering]

What in the...

[yells]
Bugs in buggies!

Suck gas, evil-doers.

[crash]

You see? Size isn't what's important.

It's being outnumbered.

[tires screeching]

Time for some serious Darkwing driving.

Yee-haw!

OK, you ants, eat my dust.

[squeaking]

So, the bug wants to play chicken, eh?

[ant yelling]

That'll teach you to tangle
with the masked mallard, bugly!

I am home free...

[yelling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

That's it. I'm doomed.

Doomed to an eternity of tininess.

They might as well call me Darkwing Dot
or Darkwing Dormouse

or Darkwing something small.

How did they find me so fast?

[wheelbarrows squeaking]

Whoa! I told Launchpad ants were strong.

So that's the scheme!

But why would ants want money?

Guess I'll just have to find out.

Bingo.

A master of disguise
is never without options.

Ha-ha! Oh, that's it. That's it.
Right over there in a nice, neat pile.

Oh, very, very good.

Now, stand back.

[ants squeaking]

Oh! I do amaze myself!

I do, I do, I do!

And you amaze me too, Darkwing Ducky.

Fancy meeting you here.

[chuckles]
Small world, huh?

Oh, let's see, now.
I could shrink you right out of existence,

but that wouldn't be sporting
or as much fun.

Some fun.
[yells]

Oh, come back here,
you little ant impostor.

[yelling]

[ants] Uh-oh!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Oh, what am I worrying about
that silly ducky for?

He's so tiny now.
There's nothing he can do to hurt me.

[yelling]

Well, looks like
I won't break par this time.

No, but you could probably break
a couple more windows, right, Honker?

[Darkwing] Ah!

Ew. Yuck.

Hoo-wee! Must be a stinkbug.

Let me see.

Hey, that's no stinkbug. That's--

Darkwing!

-[Gosalyn] What happened to you?
-[squeaks]

What did he say?

[high-pitched]
I've been shrunk!

Oh, gee, D.W. I could have told you that.

That maniac's shrinking
everything in town!

We've got to stop him!

Let's get dangerous.

[golf owner laughing]

Profitable business, this miniature golf.

[gasps]

Hold it right there, buster.

[stammering]

The name's Lilliput.

[Launchpad] Lilliput?
That's kind of a silly name, isn't it?

Silly? Uh, well, then you probably think
this is silly, too.

Actually, that's kind of cute.

-[Darkwing] Launchpad!
-Is something wrong, D.W.?

Ah, time to say goodbye.
I'm through playing.

Yeah? Well, I'm playing through.

Hey, no fair fighting back.

Now, I'm going to have to sic
my ants on you.

Oh! Like, I'm scared.

[whistles]

[ants cheering]

Whoa!

[normal voice]
I oughtta get frequent flier miles

after this caper.

[coughs]

[laughing]

Stop it. It tickles. Ow! Hey, no biting!

If I break this,
he can't talk to the ants.

Aha! There you are!

[ants humming bugle Cavalry Charge]

These guys would be murder at a picnic.

[ants squeaking]

Time to bug out. Come on!

Have a nice flight.

[Darkwing yelling]

Bye-bye, Darkwing Ducky!

[all] No!

[high-pitched]
Goodbye!

No!

All right, you're history!

[ants squeaking]

[Gosalyn] Coo-Coo Cola. That's it!

Come to think of it,
I am a little thirsty.

[Lilliput] My ants! My little babies!

What have you done to my precious helpers?
[shouts]

What have you done with Darkwing?

Why, I merely shrunk him down
to the size of a germ.

And now, it's your turn.
[coughs]

[sneezing]

[sneezing]

Wow! How does he do that?

[sneezing]

If he shrunk your dad to the size
of a germ, maybe he really is--

A germ!

[coughs]

Ah, ah, ah...

Ahchoo!

[Gosalyn] You're OK!

Yeah, I guess I am.

Oh, meet Blob and Ray.

They're a couple of germs who helped me
give the ant man here

a bit of a head cold.

[sneezes]

Nobody...
[sneezes]

beats Lilliput that easily.

[sneezes]

Nobody except-- Hi-yah!

Darkwing Duck!

[Darkwing] And so, after another amazing,
amusing and agonizing adventure,

Darkwing Duck finally gets the rest
he so richly deserves.

[sneezes]

In fact, he'll be getting plenty of rest.

[sneezes]

And drinking lots of liquids.
[sneezes]

Well, how was I to know I'd turn out
to be contagious?

[sneezes]

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪