Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 5 - Night of the Living Spud - full transcript

Bushroot finds being a villain plant a lonely occupation, and so he tries to create for himself a beautiful wife. But instead of the pretty pansy he expected, he ends up with a monstrous vampire potato that begins to turn the locals into couch potatoes! Can Darkwing Duck save them, when he doesn't believe in vampires?

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE,
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE,
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE,
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BETTER CALL ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

BIG WEB-FOOT
SPOTTED THE CAMPFIRE LIGHT.

THE BEAST CREPT
THROUGH THE FOREST

UNTIL HE CAME
TO THE CLEARING.

I'M THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT,

THE MOTH THAT SEEKS
YOUR PORCH LIGHT.

OH, IT'S SOME JERK
IN A COSTUME.

NOT JUST ANY JERK.
I'M DARKWING DUCK.

THE JERK'S
PROBABLY LOST.

I'M NOT LOST.

IS THAT A COMPASS?

NO. I THOUGHT
YOU WEREN'T LOST.

I'M MAKING SURE
THE NORTH STAR
IS STILL NORTH.

WHAT DO WE GET?

THE SATISFACTION
OF KNOWING YOU
HELPED A FRIEND.

GET REAL.

HOW ABOUT
A SCARY STORY?

AHH...

IT'S ABOUT THE TIME
I RAN INTO THE...

VAMPIRE POTATO.

VAMPIRE POTATO?
THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

IT HAPPENED NOT TOO LONG AGO
RIGHT HERE,

THE HIDEOUT
OF MY ARCHENEMY BUSHROOT.

NEVER AGAIN
WILL I BE LONELY.

NEVER WILL I BE TOLD,

"I CAN'T GO OUT WITH YOU.
YOU'RE JUST A SHRUB."

I'M GROWING
MY OWN PERFECT BRIDE.

SPIKE!

FERTILIZER.

UGH.

FLUORIDE.

POSY BLOSSOM.

UH-OH.

POSY BLOSSOM.

YEOW!

I GOT IT!
I GOT IT! OOPS.

POSY BLOSSOM!

POSY BLOSSOM!
THIS IS JUST THE THING

FOR THAT
FEMININE TOUCH.

WHY NOT?

SPIKE, IT'S WORKING!
SHE'S ALIVE!

ALIVE, I TELL YOU!

SHE'S A POTATO.

THIS ISN'T
POSY BLOSSOM.
IT'S POTATO STARCH.

HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?

I CAN'T
MARRY A POTATO.

SHE'S A TUBER,
AND I'M A SHRUB.

BUT OPPOSITES ATTRACT.

MAYBE WE CAN
MAKE IT WORK.

POSY,
WILL YOU MARRY ME?

RRARRGH!

I'LL TAKE THAT
AS A YES.

HOORAY,
HOORAY, HOORAY!

I MADE THIS GOWN
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU,
VOLUPTUOUS ONE.

I WASN'T EXPECTING
A BRIDE LARGER
THAN SIZE 8.

ALLOW ME TO CARRY YOU
ACROSS THE THRESHOLD.

UGH! OOF!

YOU'VE GOT TO GO
ON A DIET.

I'VE ARRANGED
FOR EVERY LUXURY--

YOUR OWN
SPRINKLER SYSTEM

AND FERTILIZER
SUPPLY.

RRARRGH!

YOU WANT JEWELS, FURS?
YOU'RE A POTATO.

RRARRRGH!

OK. I'LL GET YOU
SOME PRESENTS.

WAIT HERE.
I'LL BE BACK.

RRARRGH!

MEANWHILE, DEBONAIR
DUCK-ABOUT-TOWN DRAKE MALLARD

WAS ABOUT TO HEAR
THE MOST EXCITING NEWS.

DAD, THE MUDDLEFOOTS
ARE MOVING!

THEY ARE? YES!

♪ THE MUDDLEFOOTS
ARE MOVING ♪

♪ THE MUDDLEFOOTS
ARE MOVING ♪♪

LET ME GIVE YOU
A HAND, HERB.

YOU GOT LOTS OF STUFF.
IT'LL FIT IN.

WHERE ARE YOU MOVING TO,
ALASKA, MAINE, MARS?

WE'D NEVER MOVE AWAY
FROM YOU, DRAKEROO.

WE PLAN ON LIVING
NEXT DOOR FOREVER.

OW.

WE'RE JUST
GOING CAMPING.

HERB, DEAR,
DON'T FORGET THE VCR.

ONLY HERB
BRINGS HIS VCR
ON CAMPING TRIPS.

VCR? CAN I COME?

HOP ABOARD,
LITTLE LADY.

I THOUGHT
YOU HATED CAMPING.

I WANT TO CATCH
BIG WEB-FOOT,

THE MILLION-YEAR-OLD
MAN APE.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS MAN APES.

MOVE.

UH, THEN AGAIN...

COME ON,
LET'S GO COLLAR
A BIG MONKEY!

HA! BIG WEB-FOOT.

AT LEAST I'LL HAVE
SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

THIS IS A SPECIAL
NEWS BULLETIN.

THE HERBIVOROUS MUTANT
RESEARCH SCIENTIST
REGINALD BUSHROOT

HAS BEEN SIGHTED
ROBBING FABRIC KING.

WHAT WOULD
A PLANT MAN WANT
FROM A HOME SHOP?

WHICH COLOR LOOKS BETTER
ON MY BRIDE,

MAGENTA OR BLUE?

WHAT DOES YOUR BRIDE
LOOK LIKE?

A LARGE POTATO.

I'D GO WITH THE BLUE.

YOU'LL NEED THIS
FOR YOUR PRISON UNIFORM.

SUCK GAS, EVILDOER.

GAS HAS NO EFFECT
ON ME.

TAKE THIS, DUCK!

EWW, DANDRUFF!

HE'S A PLANT, L.P.
THAT'S POLLEN.

AH-AH-AH-CHOO!

GESUNDHEIT.
AH-CHOO!

GESUNDHEIT.

AH-CHOO!

NO, GESUNDHEIT.

HEIGH-HO, IVY, AWAY!

HE'S GETTING AWAY!

I CAN SEE THAT.

MAKE A LEFT.
IT'S A SHORTCUT.

A SHORTCUT, EH?

A SHORTCUT
TO THE C-CEMETARY, MAYBE.

IT WOULD'VE WORKED

IF THIS HAMBURGER HIPPO
WASN'T HERE.

[SINGING]

WE BROKE DOWN, HERB.

WE'LL CAMP HERE.

I'LL SET UP THE TV.

THE SOON-TO-BE
SUPERMARKET TABLOID STAR

SURVEYS THE WILDERNESS

FOR THE BEAST-OF-THE-YEAR
NOMINEE BIG WEB-FOOT.

SO THEY WANT
BIG WEB-FOOT, HUH?

HONEY, THE JEWELRY STORE
WAS CLOSED,

BUT I BROUGHT YOU
FROZEN YOGURT.

POSY, WHERE ARE YOU?

OH, NO! SHE'S GONE!

SHE CAN'T GET MAD.

WHAT AM I SAYING?
SHE'S ALL I HAVE.

COME BACK TO ME, POSY!

HONKER...

GOSALYN....

WHERE ARE YOU?

HEH HEH HEH!

WAIT TILL THEY
GET A LOAD OF ME.

RRARRRGH!

AAH!

SLOW DOWN, D.W.
I CAN'T KEEP UP.

BUSHROOT'S
PROBABLY HALFWAY
INTO THE COUNTRY. HURRY!

UNLESS YOU KNOW
ANY MORE SHORTCUTS.

A TRUCK.
WE CAN GET A RIDE.

THAT'S NOT
HOW YOU STOP A TRUCK.

YOU GOT TO BE
MORE ASSERTIVE. HALT!

THAT WORKED
REAL GOOD, D.W.

YOU OK, CITY BOY?

ARE YOU HEADING
TO THE COUNTRY?

IS YESTERDAY'S
CRAWDAD
TOMORROW'S FRY?

HOP ON IN.

THERE'S FROZEN
ALIENS BACK THERE
IN MY TRUCK.

ALIENS? REALLY?

GOVERNMENT STUFF.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO KNOW.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
JUST DROP US OFF.

I LIKES COMPANY.

GETS LONESOMER
THAN A MUDPUPPY
OUT HERE.

AFTER A WHILE,
YOU START
SEEING THINGS.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

THERE WAS A BIG
TATER ON THE ROAD!

POTATO, HUH?

IT LOOKED
LIKE A RUSSET.

A--A--A RUSSET?

YEAH.

RED TATERS--
YOU CAN REASON
WITH THEM.

BUT RUSSETS--
WHY, THEY'S JUST
PLAIN MEAN.

W-W-WHAT DO YOU DO
IF YOU RUN INTO ONE?

THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING TO DO--

SAY TATER BACKWARDS

WHILE SHAKING
THE POLLEN

OFF A LYCEUM
NICANTHROPUS PLANT.

I'LL KEEP THAT
IN MIND, TWAIN.

WHAT'S A LYCEUM
NICANTHROPUS PLANT?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

I'M JUST A GOOD OLD
COUNTRY BOY.

CHANNEL 9
IS PROUD TO PRESENT
TONIGHT'S CLASSIC--

VAMPIRE VARMINTS
FROM VENUS.

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME
FOR THE MOVIE.

THIS IS A SPECIAL
NEWS BULLETIN.

A VAMPIRE'S LOOSE
IN THE COUNTRYSIDE.

VICTIMS
CAN BE RECOGNIZED

BY THE FOLLOWING
SYMPTOMS--

DINNER'S READY, TED.

YOUR FAVORITE--
INSTANT MASHED POTATOES.

THEY HAVE AN INSATIABLE
CRAVING FOR POTATOES.

THEY APPEAR TO BE
IN A TRANCELIKE STATE.

THIS MOVIE'S BORING.

AND THEY SPROUT
POTATOLIKE ROOTS
FROM THEIR HEADS.

OH, TED, DEAR, YOU NEED
ANOTHER HAIRCUT ALREADY.

BEWARE, THE VAMPIRE
COULD BE ANYWHERE.

LOOK, HERB.
A GIANT POTATO.

ARRGH!

SOUNDS LIKE
BIG WEB-FOOT'S
IN YOUR FOLKS' CAMP.

YOU GRAB HIM,
AND I'LL GET HIM
WITH THE NET.

M-M-MAYBE
I SHOULD WAIT HERE

WHILE YOU G-G-GO,
UH--UH...

READY? 1, 2, 3, GO!

OH! HELP!

ARRGH!

UH-OH.

THERE'S A DINER.

YOU CAN
GET OUT THERE,

BUT LOOK OUT
FOR THE VAMPIRE.

A...A VAMPIRE?

WHAT'S A VAMPIRE?

WELL, FELLAS,
THIS IS WHERE
YOU GET OFF.

HEY! HAMBURGER HIPPO!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THESE THINGS
ARE EVERYWHERE.

TELL THEM
OLD DUANE SENT YOU,
YOU HEAR?

I HOPE WE DON'T MEET
ANY MORE DUANES

AT THE DINER.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THERE'S
A VAMPIRE RUNNING LOOSE?

WHAT'S A VAMPIRE?

NEVER SEEN ONE.

I HEARED
THEY WEARS A BLACK CAPE.

IFFIN' I SAW ONE,

I'D RUN A STAKE
STRAIGHT THROUGH
HIS HEART DIRECTLY.

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME,
GENTLEMEN.

IT'S THE VAMPIRE!

WAIT! THIS
IS DARKWING DUCK!

DARKWING DUCK'S
THE VAMPIRE.

THE VAMPIRE'S
A POTATO AS BIG
AS A BUICK.

IT'S GOT
THE MUDDLEFOOTS!

THAT'S CRAZY TALK.

JAKE'S PRIZE TATER
AIN'T NO BIGGER

THAN A VOLKSWAGEN.

WHAT'S A MUDDLEFOOTS?

POUND THE STAKE, ZACK.

WAIT! HE'S NOT
A VAMPIRE!

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT?

DO A VAMPIRE TEST.

YEAH, A VAMPIRE TEST.
GREAT IDEA.

WELL,
I HEARED SOMEWHERES

THAT VAMPIRES BOUNCE.

LET HER RIP, ZACK!

COULDN'T I TAKE
A WRITTEN EXAM?

YEOW!

WAS THAT A BOUNCE?

NO.

THAT'S HARD TO SAY.

WE BETTER TRY
ANOTHER TEST.

DON'T VAMPIRES HATE
FLAMING RED-HOT
CHILI PEPPERS?

NOBODY CAN STAND
FLAMING RED-HOT--

[TRAIN CHUGGING]

[CHOO CHOO]

FETCH THE STAKE, ZACK.

[TRAIN CHUGGING]

[CHOO CHOO]

YEOW!

LOOKS LIKE ZACK'S A
VAMPIRE, TOO.

MAYBE YOU'RE
GOING ABOUT THIS
THE WRONG WAY.

YEAH. THESE AREN'T
REAL VAMPIRE TESTS.

GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS,
LITTLE MISSY?

WELL, INTHE UMPIRE
OF VAMPIRE EMPIRE,

THE VAMPIRE
WOULDN'T BURN.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

ZACK, GET THE DIESEL FUEL.

THEY MAKE YOU
MISS DUANE.

DUANE?
YOU KNOW DUANE?

WE'RE LIKE THIS.

WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SO?

HE'S OFF THE HOOK.

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD

TO PLUNGING THAT STAKE
THROUGH HIS HEART.

THERE'S STILL
A VAMPIRE OUT THERE!

LET'S GET HIM.

LET'S GET HIM!

FROZEN ALIENS
AND NOW VAMPIRES!

HAS EVERYBODY
GONE CRAZY?

THERE
IS A VAMPIRE.

IT'S PROBABLY
IN THOSE BUSHES
RIGHT NOW.

AAH!

JUST THE WIND.

LAUNCHPAD, TAKE A LOOK.

GET GOING.

THERE ARE NO
VAMPIRE POTATOES.

SCIENTISTS
WHO TURN THEMSELVES
INTO PLANTS? YES.

IT HAD FANGS
AND TENTACLES

LIKE INATTACK
OF THE VAMPIRE

WITH FANGS
AND TENTACLES.

YOU'VE WATCHED
TOO MANY TRASHY MOVIES.

WHAT?
IT'S A CLASSIC.

WELL, DID YOU SEE
ANY VAMPIRE POTATOES?

SEE? LET'S VISIT
THE MUDDLEFOOTS

SO I CAN PROVE
THEY'RE ALL RIGHT

SEE, SEE?
I TOLD YOU.

THEY'RE EATING
POTATO CHIPS
AND WATCHING TV.

PERFECTLY NORMAL
FOR THE MUDDLEFOOTS.

THEY'RE WATCHING
A TEST PATTERN.

GOOD. MAYBE THEY'LL
UNDERSTAND THE PLOT.

BUT THEIR HEADS
ARE GROWING ROOTS.

BINKIE INSISTS
ON BUYING

THAT NEWFANGLED
HERBAL SHAMPOO.

HOW DO YOU
EXPLAIN THAT?

I'M SURE THERE'S
A GOOD EXPLANATION
SOMEWHERE.

ARRRGH!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO GET SOMETHING
THAT STOPS VAMPIRES!

HOW ABOUT A SHOTGUN?

SUFFER THE MIGHT
OF DARKWING DUCK!

OW!

OK, THEN,
SUCK GAS, SPUDFACE!

GOSALYN!

[COUGH COUGH]

WILL YOU HURRY UP?

GOSALYN!

YOU HAVE TO FIND
WHAT THEY FEAR MOST.

A POTATO PEELER?

BACK, OR I'LL DICE YOU
INTO HASH BROWNS.

OBVIOUSLY,
THAT WASN'T IT.

GOSALYN!

MAYBE THE MUDDLEFOOTS
HAVE A DEEP-FAT FRYER.

MY BRIDE
AND MY WORST ENEMY
TOGETHER!

POSY, HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?

I'LL GET THAT
ROTTEN CASANOVA DUCK
FOR THIS!

YOU LET ME GO!

[HONK]

IT'S NOT EASY
TO CATCH ME

WHEN YOU'RE
A SLOW-MOVING POTATO.

HEY!

ARRGH!

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

POSY, STEP ASIDE!

BUSHROOT'S
THE LAST PERSON

I EXPECTED
TO RESCUE ME.

I'M NOT GOING
TO RESCUE YOU.

I'M GOING
TO MOW YOU DOWN.

[GULP]

OH, YOU--
SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME.
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

HEY, THERE'S A GOPHER HOLE
DOWN HERE.

WHAT? YOU'RE GONE, DUCK!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

[SSS]

YIKES!

KNOTS TO YOU!

TRY AND CATCH ME,

YOU STARCH-SUCKING
SNAKE IN THE GROUND!

ARRGH!

I'LL SAVE YOU, POSY!

HUH?

BACK, OR I'LL SAUTE YOU
IN GARLIC BUTTER!

POSY!
POSY, ARE YOU OK?

PLEASE!
PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

WHAT KIND OF PLANT
WAS THAT?

A LYCEUM
NICANTHROPUS?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

IT'S MY SCIENTIFIC NAME.

GRAB HIM, GOS!

OTATOP! OTATOP!

AH-CHOO!
IT'S NOT WORKING!

OTATOP? AH-CHOO!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT'S "POTATO"
BACKWARDS.

AAH!

I GET IT.
YOU DON'T SAY
"POTATO" BACKWARDS.

YOU SAY
"POTATO BACKWARDS"!

POTATO BACKWARDS!
AH-CHOO!

POTATO BACKWARDS!
POTATO BACKWARDS!

AH-CHOO!

AAH!

[BEEP]

HEY! I'VE SEEN
THIS MOVIE.

D.W.! D.W.!

OHH, OHH, OHH!

I SAW
THE VAMPIRE POTATO.

IT'S IN THE BUSHES.
IT GRABBED ME!

IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.

HOW'D YOU KNOW
HOW TO STOP IT?

KNOWING
WE WERE DEALING WITH
A VAMPIRE POTATO,

I RESEARCHED
SOME LOCAL
COUNTRY LEGENDS.

YOU EXPECT ME
TO BELIEVE THAT?

OK, DUANE TOLD ME.

I'M GOING TO GET YOU,
DARKWING DUCK!

NOW YOU'LL PAY FOR
TAKING POSY AWAY!

HEY, FELLERS.

LOOK.
IT'S THE VAMPIRE.

THERE'S
NO SUCH THING.

WELL, WE'LL SEE
ABOUT THAT.

ZACK, GET THE DIESEL FUEL.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

COME ON!
LET'S GO GET HIM!

WHOO-HOO!
YEE-HAW!

THAT'S HOW
I SAVED ST. CANARD
FROM THE VAMPIRE.

THAT WAS DUMB!

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS VAMPIRE POTATO.

OH? THEY SAY
IF YOU LISTEN
CAREFULLY,

YOU CAN STILL HEAR
POSY HOWL AT NIGHT.

RRARRRGH!

YII!
AAH!
YII!

RRARRRGH!