Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 32 - Toys Czar Us - full transcript

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT
CUNNING MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

COME ON, LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

PUT IT RIGHT HERE.

IT'S OUT OF THE PARK!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

GOSALYN MALLARD!

PRINCIPAL FARNSWORTH?

WOULD YOU SAY
THE PESKY PERPETRATOR

PILFERED
YOUR PLENTIFUL STOCK

OF PROFITABLE
PLAYTHINGS?

NO. I'D JUST SAY
I GOT ROBBED.

I JUST NEED
ONE SINGULAR CLUE

TO THE STRANGE
DISAPPEARANCE
OF YOUR TOYS.

WHAT ABOUT THESE?

DON'T BOTHER ME
WITH QUESTIONS
ON DENTAL HYGIENE!

THIS IS A CLUE!

I KNOW THIS LOGO.

IT BELONGS
TO MY OLD NEMESIS
QUACKERJACK--UMPH!

ANOTHER CLUE?

NO. ANOTHER CRASH.

IT'S MY...SIDEKICK.

GOS' SCHOOL WANTS YOU
FOR A PARENT-TEACHER
CONFERENCE.

GOSALYN'S BEEN CAUGHT
PLAYING BASEBALL
IN THE HALLS AGAIN.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?

PLEASE HAVE MERCY
ON HER!

SHE'S JUST A CHILD.

I'VE BEEN DERELICT
IN MY DUTIES.

PUNISH ME, NOT HER!

MR. MALLARD, PLEASE!

THIS REALLY
ISN'T NECESSARY.

CARE FOR SOME
BRIE AND CRACKERS?

NO, THANKS.
WATCHING MY WAISTLINE.

GOSALYNIS
A GOOD KID.

IT'S DIFFICULT BEING
A SINGLE PARENT.

YES, YES.
MOST DIFFICULT.

YOU MIGHT FIND
SOME HELPFUL HINTS

IN THIS BOOK--
THE PERFECT PARENT.

"CONGRATULATIONS,
READER.

YOU'RE ON
YOUR WAY TO BECOMING
THE PERFECT PARENT."

WHATCHA READING, DAD?

"THE FIRST STEP

IS CREATING
THE PERFECT
HOME ENVIRONMENT."

OH, SCIENCE FICTION.

WHY WOULD QUACKERJACK
STEALALL THOSE TOYS?

SPITE? REVENGE?
LARGE BIRTHDAY PARTY?

WHAT DASTARDLY DEED
IS HE DEVISING?

"A PERFECT PARENT
CAN NEVER REST

KNOWING
DUST BUNNIES LIVE."

MOVE YOUR FEET.

DAD!

WHY UPSET
A DELICATE ECOSYSTEM?

[RING RING]

HELLO?
OH, HI, LAUNCHPAD.

OH, DAD!

NOT NOW. DADDY'S TALKING
ON MR. PHONE.

BUT, DAD!

HOSTAGE SITUATION
AT THE TOY STORE?

I'M COMING!

THAT'S RIGHT,
TROOPS,

THE COMPETITION'S
GONE!

NOW YOU CAN FILL
THOSE SHELVES
WITH QUACKERJACK TOYS!

EXPLODING PANDA?
AISLE 7.

YOUR PLAN
WILL NEVER WORK,
QUACKERJACK.

CONSUMERS WON'T BUY--

OOH!

DANGEROUS TOYS.

MY TOYS
ARE NOT DANGEROUS,

MERELY
MISUNDERSTOOD.

SOME ARE EVEN...
EDUCATIONAL.

NO, PLEASE!
NOT THE--

YES!

THE INCREDIBLY DREARY
MR. HISTORY DOLL!

HE'LL SIMPLY
BORE YOU TO DEATH!

HEE HEE HEE!

IN 1803, THE LOUISIANA
PURCHASE WAS SIGNED,

NEARLY DOUBLING
THE COUNTRY'S SIZE.

NO! NO! NO!

GET READY
FOR THE INDUSTRIAL
REVOLUTION!

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!

I AM THE CHECK-WRITER
IN THE CASH-ONLY LINE!

I AM...ALL OUT OF
MY TRADEMARK BLUE SMOKE.

DARKWING DUCK!

YOU'LL RUIN MY FUN,
YOU BIG FAT SPOILSPORT!

[WHISTLES]

[CLICKING]

BLAH!

I REALLY LOOK FAT?

IT'S PLAYTIME!

NICE DOGGIES!
NICE DOGGIES!

I'LL BE BACK,
DARKWING DUCK!

THIS CALLS
FOR THE LATEST

IN STATE-OF-THE-ART
CRIME-FIGHTING
DEVICES.

FETCH!

THAT WAS NO ORDINARY
DOGGIE BONE.

WHERE DID HE GO?

HE GOT AWAY.

MAYBE WE CAN STILL
CATCH HIM.

I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT A ROAST
IN THE OVEN.

LET'S STAKE OUT
THE PLACE
AFTER DINNER.

I CAN'T.

I'M HELPING GOS
WITH HER HOMEWORK.

MONOSODIUM GLUTEUS MAXIMUS.

MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE.

GOS, I USED TO BE
QUITE THE SCIENCE WHIZ.

WE'VE CREATED
HOMEMADE MOUTHWASH!

IT WILL DEFINITELY
KILL THE GERMS

THAT CAUSE
BAD BREATH.

[RING]

HELLO. WHAT?

FIGURES. JUST WHEN GOS WAS
LEARNING SOMETHING USEFUL.

SORRY, HONEY.

QUACKERJACK'S
AT THE TOY STORE AGAIN.

OH, THANK YOU.

MY TOYS
ARE ALL GONE!

[CLICKING]

BUT, MR QUACKERJACK,
I TRIED TO TELL YOU.

PARENTS WON'T BUY
YOUR TOYS.

FIDDLESTICKS!

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

WHY NOT TRY
A TASTEFUL
QUACKERJACK TOY?

PET THE NICE DOGGIE,
HENRY.

[GRRR]

WAIT! SOME WOULD SAY MY TOYS
ARE AN ACQUIRED TASTE.

KIDS WOULD LIKE THEM
IF PARENTS DIDN'T INTERFERE!

ALL RIGHT,
QUACKERJACK,
PLAYTIME'S OVER.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
DARKWING DUD.

I GROW WEARY
OF THIS GAME.

W-W-WHOA!

HA! AND THEY SAY
MY TOYS ARE DANGEROUS.

OH! MY GIANT INFLATABLE
BOBO PUNCHING BAG.

OOH! A CLASSIC!

YOU'LL GET A BANG
OUT OF BOBO.

WHOO! HOO HOO HOO!

YOU'RE FINISHED,
QUACKER-JERK!

UMPH!

CLEANUP ON AISLE 2.

SO MUCH FOR
THE HAPPY CLOWN MYTH.

THIS PLACE
WILL BE BLOWN SKY-HIGH.

YEP, YEP.
MY CORRESPONDENCE COURSE
IN MOUNTAINEERING

REALLY PAID OFF.

YOU O.K., D.W.?

YEP, YEP.
THE OL' PANDA
BROKE MY FALL.

[RINGS]

WELL, HE NEARLY
BROKE MY FALL...

AND MY ARM,
MY LEG, MY NECK.

DON'T WORRY, D.W.

IF ANYTHING EVER
HAPPENED TO YOU,

I'D RAISE GOS AS IF
SHE WERE MY OWN.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

THANKS
FOR THE THOUGHT,

BUT DON'T GIVE UP
YOUR DAY JOB YET.

WHAT IF SOMETHING
DID HAPPEN TO ME?

GOS WOULD REALLY LACK
A PERFECT PARENT.

DAD, I'M HOME!

WHAT'S WRONG, HOUSE?

WOULD YOU
AND YOUR PLAYMATES
LIKE A COOKIE?

THEY'RE MADE
WITH WHOLESOME
OAT BRAN.

DAD, ARE YOU
FEELING O.K.?

I'M SWELL, HONEY.

LOOKING FORWARD

TO SPENDING
SOME QUALITY TIME
WITH YOU,

MY LITTLE CUTIE-
GOODIE-GOODIE-PIE.

Not in front
of the guys.

WOULD THEY LIKE
TO STAY FOR SUPPER?

ZUCCHINI MEAT LOAF.
MMM. YUM.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH MY DAD?

YOU LITTLE IMP.

WANT TO HELP ME HANG
MY NEW CHINTZ CURTAINS?

DAD, ISN'T THERE
A CRIME-RIDDLED CITY
OUT THERE

BEGGING FOR YOUR
QUALITY TIME?

THE POLICE
WILL HANDLE IT.

I'VE QUIT
CRIME-FIGHTING

TO BECOME
A FULL-TIME PARENT.

DAD, I LIKE THINGS
THE WAY THEY ARE--WERE.

NOPE. FROM NOW ON,

IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME, KID.

WE'LL USE
THE LEFTOVER FABRIC

FOR YOUR
SCHOOL PLAY COSTUME.

I'M IN
NO SCHOOL PLAY!

YOU ARE NOW.

AND GUESS
WHO'S DIRECTING.

THIS QUALITY TIME STUFF'S
REALLY CRAMPING MY STYLE.

WELL, WE'VE PLASTERED
EVERY POLE IN TOWN

WITH FLYERS
FOR THE PLAY.

IF THAT DOESN'T DO IT,
THIS WILL.

D.W.!

WELL, MY BANANA-BRAINED
FRIEND,

IF PARENTS WON'T BUY
MY TOYS, CHILDREN WILL.

I'LL SURROUND MYSELF
WITH CHILDREN

IN MY ULTIMATE
TOY UTOPIA.

THEY'LL RECOGNIZE ME
FOR MY TOY GENIUS.

THEY'LL DECLARE ME
TOY CZAR!

WHERE WILL YOU
GET THE KIDS,
ALMIGHTY TOY MAKER?

THERE'S A NAME
FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU!

I MEAN, I KNOW WHERE.

DIDN'T THINK I DID,
HUH, SMARTY-PANTS?

WE'RE GOING TO
A SCHOOL PLAY!

IT'S PLAYTIME!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I HAVE TO PLAY
THE STUPID FAIRY.

YEAH.
THIS PLAY STINKS.

THEY CUT
MY NAPALM SCENE.

I LIKE BEING A ROCK.

THINK I LOOK LIKE
QUARTZ OR LIMESTONE?

IF WE ALL WALK,
NOBODY GETS HURT.

PIZZA BAR--
MY TREAT.

YES!
YES!
YES!

GOING SOMEWHERE,
LEADING LADY?

WE CAN'T BEGIN
WITHOUT THE STAR.

PLACES, PEOPLE!
IT'S MAGIC TIME!

[GROANING]

I'M NOT LEAVING
THIS SPOT!

WHOA!

QUACKERJACK!

HEY, KIDS, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO COME WITH ME

TO A HAPPY PLACE
FULL OF GLEE--

NO PARENTS, NO BROCCOLI,
AND LOTS OF TV?

AND NO STUPID PLAY.

YES!
YES!
YES!

DON'T DO IT!
HE'S THE DEMENTED
QUACKERJACK!

PLUS ALL THE TOYS
YOU WANT.

FORGET THAT,
BUGLE BEAK.

WHAT'S IN IT
FOR ME?

MY NEWEST LINE--
DESTRUCTO TOYS.

COOL!
LEAD THE WAY!

YES!
YES!
YES!

COME ON, SQUIRT.

ALL RIGHT, QUACK,
YOU ASKED FOR IT!

Y-Y-YOU DON'T
SCARE ME.

I'VE SEEN
B-B-BETTER TEETH
ON A RUSTY ZIPPER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

I BRING YOU
THECOOKIE CRUMB FAIRY,

STARRING
THAT INIMITABLE IMPRESARIO

GOSALYN MALLARD!

GOS, THAT'S YOUR CUE.

UH, TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES,
I'M SURE.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

I KNOW THEY WENT
TO THAT PIZZA JOINT!

THE CROWD'S
GETTING UGLY.
NOW WHAT?

I'LL GO GET
THE LITTLE...DARLINGS.

BUT SOMEONE'S GOT TO
HOLD DOWN THE FORT.

NOT ME. UH-UH.

NO! I, UH...JUST FLEW IN
FROM DUCKBURG,

AND, BOY,
ARE MY ARMS TIRED.

WHAT AREYOU LOOKING--
SMILING AT?

PATIENCE, MY GRUBBY
LITTLE CONSUMERS.

HEE HEE HEE!
THERE'S TOYS
FOR ALL.

I'LL TAKE
THIS BRASS KNUCKLE YO-YO.

MARVELOUS CHOICE.
29.95--NO CHECKS.

I'VE GOT A QUARTER
AND SOME LINT.

YOU HAVE TO PAY
FOR MY TOYS!

BUT WE DON'T HAVE
ANY MONEY.

EUREKA!
IF YOU MAKE MY TOYS,

I CAN PAY YOU
FOR YOUR WORK.

THEN YOU CAN BUY
MY TOYS!

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT
OF MY LIFE.

WHY WORK FOR MONEY
TO BUY TOYS?

WHY NOT JUST MAKE
OUR OWN TOYS?

WHY DOESN'T HE JUST
KEEP HIS MONEY?

BOOKKEEPING.

WELL, I'M TIRED
OF QUACKERJACK'S
FANCY BOOKKEEPING.

WE'RE BUSTING OUT
OF THIS JOINT--ON 3.

1, 2, 3!

WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHERS, GOS?

WE'LL RETURN
WITH HELP--

IF A PERFECT PARENT
WILL DROP HIS MOCK.

THEY'RE GETTING
CLOSER.

[SNIFFS]

PEPPERONI...OLIVES...

THICK CRUST--IT'S PIZZA!

THIS WAY, GUYS!

IT'S NO USE!

SOME BIG OAF'S
STANDING ON THE GRATE!

NOW WHERE COULD
THOSE KIDS HAVE GONE?

THAT'S NO OAF.
THAT'S YOUR DAD.

DAD? DAD!

HEY, DAD!
DOWN HERE, DAD!

GOSALYN MALLARD,
COME OUT RIGHT NOW!

I'D BE
DELIGHTED TO, DAD,

BUT SOME FAT OAF'S
ON THE GRATE!

DON'T YOU TALK
TO ME THAT WAY!

I REALLY LOOK FAT?

[HOWLING]

DAD!

WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE!
QUACKERJACK'S GOT US!

OW!

DAD!

GOSALYN!

THIS IS NO
PARENT'S JOB.

THIS IS A JOB FOR...
NO. HE RETIRED.

WAIT. I SEE IT NOW--

PERFECT PARENT PROTECTS
HIS PROGENY.

DARKWING DUCK
MAKES SMASH COMEBACK!

I'M COMING, GOS.

YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS CAN
WATCH THEIR RINGLEADER
GO FIRST.

READY...

I SENSE A NEED
FOR AN APOLOGY HERE.

READY...AIM...

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!

I AM THE QUALITY TIME
THAT RUINS YOUR PLAYTIME!

DARKWING DUCK!

NOW SHE'S ON CUE.

MY, WHAT BIG GUNS YOU HAVE.
I'M SHAKING.

FIRE!

[COUGHS]

OUCH.

EAT NUTTY PUTTY,
FEATHER BRAIN.

GOOD THING I WORE
MY TEFLON SUIT.

HYAH!

ATTACK!

I SAID ATTACK!

HERE'S SOMETHING
RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

STRIKE!

SAVE THE CHILDREN!

REMEMBER--TURN LEFT
WHEN YOU SMELL THE PIZZA.

EEEWW! QUACKSTER, BABE,

YOU REALLY NEED
TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

SUCKER SHOT,
QUACKERJACK.

NOW SUCK GAS,
EVILDOER!

I'LL STOP IT!

WHOO! HOO HOO HOO!

IT'S PLAYTIME!

BUMMER. THERE GOES
MY ALLOWANCE
FOR A WEEK.

I SUDDENLY HAVE AN
IRRESISTIBLE URGE
TO YODEL.

YODEL-AY-HEE-WHOO.

HOPE YOU DON'T THINK
I'M STRINGING YOU ALONG.

COULD THIS POSSIBLY
BE MORE HUMILIATING?

WHO SAID LIFE'S NOT
ALL FUN AND GAMES?

DARKWING, CATCH!

THANKS, GOS.

THERE GOES COLLEGE.

THE SHOW'S OVER,
GEPPETTO!

AAH!

OOH! HEE HEE HEE!

I FEEL LIKE A MEATBALL
IN A SPAGHETTI DINNER.

HANG TIGHT, DAD!
I'LL GET YOU OUT!

HA HA HA!

OHH!

BUMMER. THERE GOES
THE INHERITANCE.

AAH!

AAH!

WHOA!
WHOA!

[BAWLING]

MY KINGDOM BROKEN
LIKE A CHEAP TOY!

MY CAREER IS RUINED.

THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING TO DO.

DAD?

DON'T PLAY WITH
QUACKERJACK TOYS.

THEY'RE DANGEROUS.

KISS YOUR TAIL FEATHERS
GOODBYE.

KISS THIS,
QUACKERJACK!

NICE SHOT, SLUGGER.

OHH!

NOT.
NOT.

NO AIR BAG GETS
THE BEST OF ME!

WE'LL BE BLOWN
TO BITS!

WE'LL PROBABLY
BE SMOTHERED FIRST.

DIDN'T THEY COVER
REASSURING
YOUR CHILD

IN THAT BOOK,
DAD?

MUST HAVE SKIMMED
THAT CHAPTER.

I GUESS
THIS IS GOODBYE.

I TRIED TO BE
A GOOD PARENT.

GUESS
I COULD HAVE WORN

THAT STUPID
FAIRY COSTUME.

BUT IF I HADN'T QUIT
CRIME-FIGHTING--

GRANTED, BUT IF I'D
BEHAVED IN SCHOOL--

OH, GOS, CAN YOU EVER
FORGIVE ME?

GIVE ME YOUR HAND,
SWEETIE.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S THE MOUTHPIECE.

USE YOUR TEETH, DAD.
THAT ALWAYS WORKS.

I'VE ALMOST GOT IT.

IT'S COMING.
IT'S COMING.

[WHIZZING]

WAY TO GO, DAD!

COME ON, BE HONEST.

I DO LOOK FAT,
DON'T I?

COME ON, FOLKS,
I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE.

I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING.

PLACES, PEOPLE, PLACES.

HERE, DAD. I THINK
YOU DROPPED THIS.

WE SUPERHEROES
HAVE UNNATURALLY
KEEN INSTINCTS

ON CHILD REARING,

DON'T YOU THINK?

YEAH.

GO GET 'EM, SLUGGER.