Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 9 - Life in the Past Lane - full transcript
Jane dates a guy who's a little behind the timesà say, half a century.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BIG
"REVITALIZE DOWNTOWN LAWNDALE"
PLAN?
- THEY SPENT ALL THE MONEY
ON FLAGS.
COME ON.
WE HAVE TO GET
TO THE POST OFFICE
BEFORE IT CLOSES.
- AH, NEW WANTED POSTERS
GO UP TODAY?
- NO USE TRYING TO KEEP
GOOD NEWS SECRET IN THIS TOWN.
COMING?
- [whistling jovially]
- ACTUALLY, I REALLY NEED
AN ERASER,
A NICE, BIG, CUTE ONE.
YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD
AND I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU
AT THE PIZZA PLACE.
- LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
AND ESPECIALLY LADIES,
RUTTHEIMER
THE PRESTIDIGITATOR
BEGS YOUR INDULGENCE.
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE?
- LOOK, BABE.
UPCHUCK'S DOING MAGIC,
LIKE DAVID COPPERTONE.
- A SIMPLE DECK OF CARDS
AND NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE,
IF YOU DON'T COUNT
MY RIPPLING MUSCULATURE.
- LET'S GO, KEVIE,
OR CASHMAN'S WILL BE ALL OUT
OF THAT THING THAT YOU'RE
GONNA WANT TO BUY ME.
- NOW I'LL NEED SOME HELP
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
- ME, ME, ME!
- MM, YES, YOU'LL DO NICELY.
PICK A CARD, ANY CARD.
LOOK AT IT
AND RETURN IT TO THE DECK.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
- WE'RE NOT DONE.
- IT WAS STILL COOL.
- NOW, COMELY MISS,
IF YOU WILL,
REACH INTO MY SHIRT POCKET
WITH YOUR TEETH
AND REMOVE THE CARD
YOU FIND THERE.
- UM, OKAY.
- [purrs creepily]
IS THIS YOUR CARD, SIR?
- UM, I FORGOT.
- IT DID HAVE A GUY ON IT.
- OH, RIGHT.
HEY!
YOU TOOK MY CARD, MAN.
[applause]
- BURR, IT'S LIKE
HE READ YOUR MIND.
DO YOU THINK
HE CAN READ MY MIND?
'CAUSE THAT STUFF I WAS THINKING
ABOUT TEDDY WOZNIAK
DOESN'T MEAN I'D ACTUALLY DO
THAT STUFF WITH TEDDY WOZNI...
EEP!
- WOW, THIS PLACE IS SO OLD,
THE CRAYONS HAVE EXPIRED.
- IT'S REALLY ORBITING
PLANET YESTERDAY, HUH?
THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM
LIKE THEY USED TO.
- I LOVE THIS STUFF...
PHOTO CORNERS,
CLOTH TYPEWRITER RIBBON,
SEALING WAX.
- OH, LOOK, CARBON PAPER.
I'M NATHAN.
- JANE.
- I REALLY OUGHT TO GIVE THIS
A TEST SCRIBBLE
BEFORE I BUY IT.
MAYBE I COULD WRITE DOWN, SAY,
A PHONE NUMBER?
- HOW ABOUT MINE?
AND HE WEARS CUFFLINKS
AND DRIVES ONE OF THOSE
BIG OLD CARS WITH FINS.
HOW GREAT IS THAT?
- DO YOU THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO PICK UP A PERFECT STRANGER
WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE
OF INKWELL FUMES,
EVEN IF HE HAS COME HERE
FROM PREHISTORIC TIMES?
- HEY, IF I DIDN'T HAVE
THE NERVE TO PICK UP GUYS,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
- OH, GREAT.
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE TO DATE
THIS GUY NOW, AM I?
[together]
HEY!
- WHAT'D I SAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I HATE THE PRESENT TOO,
BUT NOT ENOUGH
TO WEAR A ZOOT SUIT.
- HE DOESN'T WEAR A ZOOT SUIT.
HE'S A SNAPPY DRESSER
IN THE CLASSICAL, ELEGANT SENSE.
PLUS, HE HAS IMPECCABLE MANNERS
AND A BITING WIT.
- OH, SO HE'S...
- AND HE LOVES GIRLS.
- OKAY, HE'S GOT IT ALL,
NOT LIKE SOME GUYS.
- IT'S TRUE;
IF I REALLY CARED,
I'D DRESS LIKE A DEAD MAN TOO.
- THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT,
YOU TWO.
MAYBE SOMETIME YOU CAN TEACH ME
HOW TO PASS JUDGMENT
ON SOMEONE I'VE NEVER MET.
- SHE'S GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED.
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY
THE KIND OF THING YOU CAN TEACH.
- I PLACE THE BALL
BENEATH A CUP.
WITH DAZZLING SKILL,
I MIX THEM UP.
THE BALL WITHDRAWS
LIKE A BASHFUL MAID
WHO RUNS AWAY
WHEN ATTENTION'S PAID.
WHERE, OH, WHERE
DID MY PRETTY ONE GO?
RISK TEN BILLS
IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW.
- DESPITE YOUR DISTRACTING
AND POORLY METERED RHYME,
MY EAGLE EYE TELLS ME THE BALL
IS CERTAINLY
UNDERNEATH THAT CUP!
AND I'VE GOT THE TEN-SPOT
TO PROVE IT!
- I HATE TO CONTRADICT YOU,
ANTHONY,
BUT IT'S UNDER THAT ONE.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BET,
MR. O'NEILL?
- YEAH, I'M NOT AFRAID
TO BACK UP
MY SPORTING SUPPOSITION
WITH COLD, HARD CASH!
- WELL, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
HAVE THE COURAGE
OF MY CONVICTIONS.
- OH, NO.
HOW COULD MY RAZOR-SHARP
INTELLECT BETRAY ME?
- IN LOSS, THERE IS WISDOM.
- GO AWAY!
- UM, YES.
- THANKS FOR THE ASSISTANCE,
MR. DE-PLANT-INO.
- I QUITE ENJOY HELPING
THE CREDULOUS HORDES
LEARN A VALUABLE LESSON
ABOUT GULLIBILITY AND TRUST.
GIVE ME MY CUT.
- THE CASH IS SWEET,
BUT SWEETER STILL,
THE CHANCE TO ATTRACT
THE MOST LUSCIOUS OF LADIES
WITH MY MESMERIZING
STAGE PRESENCE.
AHA!
IT'S WORKING ALREADY.
BEAUTEOUS MAIDENS,
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE?
- ONLY IF IT'S
A DISAPPEARING ACT.
- NO, A FEAT OF ILLUSION.
- LIKE CONTOURING YOUR NOSE
TO MAKE IT LOOK THIN?
- [gasps]
- NOT ME.
- PLEASE, SPARE JUST A MOMENT
TO BEHOLD
MY ASTONISHING MAGIC SKILLS.
- MAKE IT FAST, CHARLES.
I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK
IN THE MIDDAY COSMETICS
COUNTER CRUSH.
- OBSERVE,
GENUINE U.S. CURRENCY,
WHICH I SHALL NOW TEAR
INTO TINY PIECES.
[girls gasping]
- THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY
ILLEGAL.
- BUT WAIT.
THROUGH THE COMMANDING FORCE
OF MY VIRILE PRESENCE,
THE BILL IS MAGICALLY RESTORED.
[girls sigh]
- TRULY ASTONISHING.
- BUT HOW'D HE DO THAT?
- OH, STACY, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
HE OBVIOUSLY USED MIRRORS
OR SOMETHING.
- BESIDES, WHO CARES
IF HE CAN FIX A TEN?
IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS A 50.
- COME ON; LET'S MAKE
SOME REAL MONEY DISAPPEAR.
[laughter]
- THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, SANDY.
- HEY, STRANGER.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND MUCH.
- BEEN HANGING OUT WITH NATHAN.
- I HAD A HUNCH.
HEARD ANY GOOD
BARBERSHOP QUARTETS LATELY?
- NO, BUT WE WENT
TO AN ANTIQUE CAR SHOW SUNDAY,
AND WE'RE STARTING
FOXTROT LESSONS TONIGHT.
- SOUNDS GREAT,
EXCEPT FOR THE CAR SHOW
AND FOXTROT PART.
- DANCING IS FUN, DARIA,
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY
FOR YOU THESE DAYS.
- COME ON, A MONTH AGO,
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN LAUGHING
AT THIS TOO.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT
NATHAN AND ME DOWN
JUST BECAUSE YOU AND TOM
ARE IN A RUT.
- AT LEAST WE WEREN'T DOING
THE FOXTROT
WHEN WE TRIPPED
AND FELL INTO IT.
- HA.
- HEY, COME BACK.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR SEAMS
ARE CROOKED?
- SO...
PIZZA?
WHAT?
- DO YOU THINK
WE'RE IN A RUT?
- WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?
- JANE, JUST BECAUSE HER
EXCITING SOCIAL LIFE
INVOLVES COPILOTING
A TIME MACHINE.
- NATHAN?
- DON'T YOU THINK HE SOUNDS
A LITTLE PRETENTIOUS?
- IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK
ABOUT YOUR FUTURE BOYFRIEND?
- HEY.
- WHAT'D I SAY?
- [groans]
- COME ON.
LET'S SHAKE UP OUR ROUTINE
AND GO SOMEPLACE CRAZY.
- WHAT IF HE DOES TURN OUT
TO BE A COMPLETE JERK?
- ISN'T THAT JANE'S CALL?
- I FEEL A CERTAIN
RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING
OF HER SOCIAL LIFE.
- UM, ME TOO.
BUT WE GOT TO GIVE
THIS GUY A CHANCE.
- I GUESS.
- HI, I'M DEBBIE, YOUR SERVER.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SOUR CREAM
SUPREME POTATO SKIN
WITH YOUR ORDER TODAY?
- GEE, I'LL BET YOU SAY THAT
TO ALL THE CUSTOMERS.
- IF I DON'T, YOU GET A FREE
$5 PHINEAS T. FIREFLY
CERTIFICATE,
GOOD AT ANY OF OUR 240 LOCATIONS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
- THINK WE CAN CATCH
THE LAST RUT OUT OF HERE?
- YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE
USED TO BE A SPEAKEASY.
- UNTIL SOME SPOILSPORT
REPEALED PROHIBITION
AND RUINED EVERYTHING.
- ACTUALLY,
IT WAS THE DEVELOPERS
WHO RUINED EVERYTHING
WITH THEIR TRACT HOUSING,
MINI-MALLS, AND CHAIN
RESTAURANTS THAT SERVE...
POTATO SKINS.
- YOUSE KNOW THE PASSWORD?
- YAHOOTIE.
- OKAY, JOHNNY BOY.
YOU'RE IN.
- OH, NO, AFTER YOUSE.
- CHIVALRY AIN'T DEAD.
DAMES FIRST.
[jazz music]
- THE PROBLEM
WITH MODERN RESTAURANTS IS,
THEY DON'T SERVE ENOUGH
LIME ASPIC
WITH MARSHMALLOW SURPRISES.
- TOLD YOU THIS CLUB
WAS 18-KARAT.
TOO BAD THE CROWD TONIGHT'S
KIND OF FRANKIE-COME-LATELY.
THEY'RE SO POST-KHAKIS AD.
- OOH.
- I'M SERIOUS.
THAT GUY'S TIE IS TOO WIDE,
AND HIS COMPAÑERO'S WEARING
SUSPENDERS AND A BELT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY LET THEM IN.
- GEE, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE
PUT ON GLOVES AND A NECKLACE.
- RELAX, YOU'RE WITH NATHAN,
SWEETHEART.
YOU CAN'T BE MORE IN THAN THAT.
WANT TO CUT A RUG?
- JUST CALL ME "SCISSORS GIRL."
- JANE, YOU'RE ONE SWELL CHICK.
- AND YOU'RE, UH...
ONE SWELL SWELL?
- WOULD YOU MIND
IF I KISSED YOU?
- YOU'RE ACTUALLY ASKING?
- HEY, I'M A CLASS ACT.
- THEN, SURE.
- MY HAIR!
- IT'S A QUICK FIX.
- NO, NO, IT'S COMPLICATED.
I GOT TO GET TO A MIRROR.
- [sniffs] POMADE.
I GOT TO GET TO A NAPKIN.
- OH, HOW I WISH I COULD QUENCH
YOUR CURIOSITY, MY PET.
BUT I CANNOT REVEAL MY SECRETS.
IT'S THE MAGICIAN'S CODE.
- BUT I HAVE TO KNOW
HOW YOU DID IT.
I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY MIND...
THAT DREAM ABOUT THE MERMAIDS
IN THE FUDGE SAUCE, FOR EXAMPLE.
- WAS THAT STACY WITH UPCHUCK?
- NO WAY, IT MUST BE THAT GIRL
WHO LOOKS LIKE STACY
EXCEPT WHEN SHE TURNS AROUND.
- OR THAT GIRL WHO LOOKS
LIKE THAT GIRL.
- HEY, WAIT UP.
- YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE TROUBLE
WALKING IN HEELS.
- LISTEN, I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU
A HARD TIME ABOUT NATHAN.
- WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO WRITE PEOPLE OFF
BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW THEM?
- I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU
LIKED ABOUT ME.
- WELL, I GUESS
I CAN FORGIVE YOU.
BESIDES, THIS RETRO THING
IS PRETTY SILLY.
I MEAN, I'M WEARING A SNOOD.
- I WAS PRETENDING
NOT TO NOTICE.
- BUT WHAT THE HELL?
IT'S JUST FOR FUN.
- WHICH IS WHAT I FINALLY
FIGURED OUT.
SO CAN I WALK YOU TO YOUR
STENO POOL?
- ACTUALLY,
NATHAN IS PICKING ME UP.
[horn honking]
NEED A RIDE HOME?
- UM...
MATCHING DRESS AND TIE.
UM...
COPACETIC.
- HEY, YOU SPEAKA THE JIVE.
- I DABBLE.
- THAT'S A SWINGIN' LOOK
YOU'VE PUT TOGETHER, DARIA...
CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL
MEETS KING'S ROAD, LONDON,
CIRCA '83.
- DARN, I WAS GOING
FOR CIRCA '82.
- HEY, DARIA, DO YOU AND TOM
WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US FRIDAY?
WE'RE GONNA CHECK OUT
THIS MOVIE THEATER OUTSIDE TOWN.
- UM, SURE.
THAT SOUNDS... FUN.
- NATHAN, HOW THE HELL
ARE YOU KEEPING THAT HAT ON?
- CUSTOM-MADE, MY MAN.
IT'S ALL IN THE FIT.
- AND YET THEY CAN'T FIND
A CURE FOR CANCER.
- NATHAN OWNS A PAIR OF PANTS
THAT BELONGED
TO SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
- I CAN'T WEAR THEM, THOUGH.
THEY'RE A VERY STRANGE SHAPE.
- THEN WHAT DO YOU PUT ON
WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE A SUNRISE
AND SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW?
- HOW'D YOU GET INTERESTED
IN ALL THIS?
- WELL, I'VE ALWAYS DUG
THE BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE
OF POSTWAR AMERICAN DESIGN.
PEOPLE HAD A SENSE
OF TIMELESS STYLE
AND CIVILIZED DECORUM BACK THEN.
- WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU ALSO
HAD THE TIMELESS STYLE
OF COLD WAR CONFORMITY
AND THE CIVILIZED DECORUM
OF SEGREGATION.
- I'M NOT SAYING
IT WAS ALL STEAK AND ONIONS,
BUT THERE WERE STANDARDS.
- YEAH, DRESS CODES,
LOYALTY OATHS.
- OH, THERE IT IS.
- WHAT MOVIE ARE WE SEEING?
- NO MOVIE.
- WOW, EERIE.
LET'S GET OUT AND POKE AROUND.
- IT IS KIND OF BIZARRE.
- NO, HAIRLESS CATS ARE BIZARRE.
THIS IS KIND OF... COOL.
- DARN,
WE'RE THE FIRST ONES HERE.
I WANTED TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.
- FIRST ONES HERE?
- LOOK, HERE COMES
CHARLISE AND ASHER.
- OH, GOD, IT'S NIGHT
OF THE VINTAGE THREADS.
- COME ON, JANE.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GANG.
- THERE'S A GANG?
- BUT FIRST, HAIR CHECK.
[upbeat jazz music]
- GO, MAN, GO!
- YEAH!
- LOOK AT THAT GUY MOVE, MAN!
- HEY, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
- AND I'M SURE THEY DIDN'T SPEND
A GOOD PORTION
OF THEIR TEEN YEARS
PRACTICING IT EITHER.
- AREN'T YOU GUYS COMING?
- YOU MEAN OUTSIDE?
YOU DO SEE THE PEOPLE, RIGHT?
- DARIA.
- OKAY, OKAY.
JUST DROP US OFF
AT HOME FIRST.
- AH, LEAVE 'EM.
SOME PEOPLE CAN'T
MAKE THE SCENE
UNLESS THEY CLEAR IT FIRST
WITH THE P.C. POLICE.
- FOR A MINUTE
DURING THE RIDE THERE,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GO
FOR HIS THROAT.
- BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN
FIGHTING BACK THE URGE
TO STRANGLE HIM
WITH SAMMY DAVIS' PANTS.
BUT JANE THINKS HE'S SWINGIN'.
[sighs]
I WISH THE P.C. POLICE
WERE HERE.
I BET THEY'D GIVE US
A RIDE HOME.
- I HAD A GREAT TIME
THE OTHER NIGHT.
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- SORRY WE WOKE YOU GUYS UP
WHEN WE GOT BACK IN THE CAR.
- HEY, NO PROBLEM.
WE GOT IN A GOOD THREE HOURS
FIRST.
- COME SEE A FEAT
OF LEGERDEMAIN SO DANGEROUS,
I'VE TAKEN OUT
AN INSURANCE POLICY ON MY BODY
AND MY BODILY FLUIDS.
THIS SATURDAY NIGHT,
I WILL BE HANDCUFFED,
STRAIGHT-JACKETED,
AND INTERRED WITHIN AN AIRTIGHT,
STEEL-REINFORCED,
MILITARY-GRADE TRUNK.
THEN IT'S ESCAPE...
OR ASPHYXIATE.
- DO WE GET TO PICK?
- ALL PROCEEDS...
- AHEM.
- MOST PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT
THE SPECIAL EXPENDITURES FUND
FOR EMBEDDING MICROCHIPS
IN THE GYM EQUIPMENT.
- UPCHUCK BOUND AND GAGGED.
THAT DOES SOUND ENTERTAINING.
- I'LL TAKE FOUR TICKETS.
- ON BEHALF OF PILFERED
BASKETBALLS EVERYWHERE,
MISS LANE,
I'D LIKE TO SAY
THAT'S VERY SCHOOL-SPIRITED
OF YOU.
- YOU ASK TOM.
I'LL ASK NATHAN.
MY TREAT.
- IF THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT.
- BEHOLD, AN APPROACHING
QUARTET OF LOVELIES.
IT APPEARS MY MAGIC MOJO
IS WORKING OVERTIME.
HI...
STACY.
- UH... HI.
[giggles]
- DID YOU JUST SAY HELLO
TO UPCHUCK,
OR WAS THAT A HICCUP?
- MUST BE ALL THE DIET SODA
I'VE BEEN DRINKING.
[doorbell dings]
- WHOA.
CANARY YELLOW.
- HI, I'M NATHAN,
JANE'S ESCORT FOR THE EVENING.
YOU MUST BE TRENT.
IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- YEAH, SAME HERE.
YOU, UM, DRESS LIKE THAT
EVERY DAY?
- SURE, DO YOU?
- WHAT?
- DRESS LIKE THAT?
I MEAN, THE '60s ARE OVER.
- THE '40s WERE OVER FIRST.
- MAYBE, BUT GREAT STYLE
IS TIMELESS.
- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
THANKS.
- NO, THANK YOU.
- IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER
WHEN I HAD ONE OUTFIT.
[knocking]
YO.
- HEY, GORGEOUS.
- HEY.
WOW, YOU REALLY DO OWN
A ZOOT SUIT.
- GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING
FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
- TROUBLED TRAVELS...
BY TRIKE!
UNDERAGE ROAD RAGE NEXT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- HOW CAN ANYONE WATCH
THAT CRAP?
THE DECLINE OF MODERN
CIVILIZATION, RIGHT?
- EXACTLY.
- READY TO GO?
THE TIKI TAVERN
IS GONNA BE PACKED TONIGHT.
- I BOUGHT TICKETS
TO SEE UPCHUCK THE IRRITATING.
REMEMBER?
YOU KNOW, FIRST THE FREAKY,
THEN THE TIKI.
- OH, COME ON.
MAGIC IS SO OLD AND CORNY.
AND THE GANG'S EXPECTING US
IN TIME FOR THE
FLOATING UKULELE REVIEW.
- I TOLD DARIA AND TOM
WE'D BE THERE.
YOU KNOW, MY GANG?
- SORRY, IT'S JUST NOT MY SPEED.
UM, YOU KNOW YOU'RE MIXING
'40s SHOES
WITH A '50s DRESS, RIGHT?
- OKAY.
- I THINK STACY HAS CONFUSED
BEING FASHIONABLY LATE
WITH OUTRIGHT TARDINESS.
- SHE'S BEEN SO WEIRD LATELY.
- SHE HARDLY DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING
AT LUNCH.
DID THAT MAKE SENSE?
- I GOT IT.
- WELCOME, ONE AND ALL!
I'D LIKE TO THANK
MR. RUTTHEIMER
FOR SUPPORTING
A MOST WORTHY CAUSE,
AND FOR GIVING ME SOME POINTERS
ON ADAPTING THE INTERCOM SYSTEM
FOR POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION.
I WILL TITHE MY EARNINGS
TO LAWNDALE HIGH,
TITHE MY EARNINGS
TO LAWNDALE HIGH.
AND NOW, RUTTHEIMER
THE PRESTIDIGITATOR
AND HIS LOVELY ASSISTANT STACY!
[crowd gasps]
- EMERGENCY MEETING
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING SHOW.
- HER COSTUME,
IT'S SO SPARKLY.
- GREETINGS,
MAGIC AFICIONADOS.
BE GENTLE, MY SWEET.
I HAVE VERY DELICATE...
EVERYTHING.
- I HOPE I'M DOING THIS RIGHT.
- NO COMPLAINTS ON THIS END.
[purrs creepily]
AS SOON AS I AM FULLY BONDAGED,
I WILL ENTER
THIS STEEL-REINFORCED TRUNK,
WHICH THE LOVELY STACY
WILL CLOSE AND LOCK
FROM THE OUTSIDE.
- OH, NO.
WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
[muffled speech]
- WHERE DO YOU THINK
JANE AND NATHAN ARE?
- MAYBE THE ROADSTER
RAN OUT OF JIVE JUICE.
- DO THESE MEET
WITH YOUR APPROVAL?
- THEY'RE FROM THE '40s TOO.
I JUST DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY
TO MIX ERAS YET.
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING
A '40s ZOOT SUIT
TO A '60s TIKI BAR.
- DAMN, WHAT WAS I THINKING?
NOW I HAVE TO GO HOME
AND CHANGE.
- WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
I RENTED THE AUDITORIUM OUT,
AND THE SINGLE SCIENTOLOGISTS
WILL BE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.
- HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIGNAL ME!
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
- PANIC!
PANIC!
I FORESEE A MASSIVE HIKE
IN INSURANCE PREMIUMS.
- WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP
BAILING OUT
THE NAIVE AND/OR INCOMPETENT
WHEN THEIR ILL-CONCEIVED PLANS
GO AWRY?
- IT'S JUST LIKE A MAN
TO BE THERE ONE MINUTE
AND GONE THE NEXT.
- GET OVER YOURSELF!
YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL
WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT
SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.
- NATHAN, IT'S A FAD.
IT'S JUST FOR FUN,
NOT SOMETHING TO GO TO WAR OVER.
- YOU'RE WRONG.
RETRO WILL NEVER DIE.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT
BOWLING SHIRTS
AND COCKTAIL SHAKERS
AND DICE-SHAPED CUFFLINKS.
IT'S ABOUT PRIDE AND STANDARDS
THAT SET US APART FROM TODAY'S
MINDLESS, INSIPID MAINSTREAM.
THE TRENDIES HAVE COME AND GONE.
THE TRUE BELIEVERS ARE LEFT.
ARE YOU WITH US
OR AGAINST US?
- NATHAN,
IF YOU REALLY LIKED ME,
IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF I WAS
WEARING FISHNETS OR SWEATPANTS.
- YOU OWN SWEATPANTS?
- GET OUT.
- DILETTANTE.
- POSEUR.
- UGH!
I WAS PRE-KHAKIS COMMERCIAL,
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
- [whimpering]
- COME ON, RIGID, STUBBORN
BOX OF DEATH!
YIELD, I SAY.
YIELD!
- NO GOOD-BYE,
NOT EVEN A NOTE,
AFTER I GAVE YOU
THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!
- STACY, IT'S JUST TRAGIC
HOW YOU SO COMPLETELY
EMBARRASSED YOURSELF.
- YEAH, AND FREAKED OUT.
- AND YOUR MASCARA,
IT'S NOT EVEN WATERPROOF.
OH!
I CAN'T LOOK.
- GOOD THING UPCHUCK'S
BURIED ALIVE IN THERE
SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO SPEND
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
SEEKING REVENGE FOR THE WAY
HE'S HUMILIATED YOU
IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.
- OH, SANDY, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
- HUH?
- UGH!
WHERE IS HE?
- PROBABLY CHATTING UP
SOME TOOTSIE
IN A SLEAZY ROADSIDE TAVERN,
COMPLAINING HOW HE AND HIS WIFE
HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THE SAME BED
SINCE...
- HE'S BACK THERE!
- SHAZAM.
- GOT TO ADMIT, I REALLY THOUGHT
HE WAS IN TROUBLE.
- OPTIMIST.
ARE THOSE SAMMY DAVIS' PANTS?
- LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY LOVELY
AND VERY TALENTED ASSISTANT
STACY
AND HER OSCAR-WORTHY
ACTING JOB.
YOUR CROCODILE TEARS
BRING OUT THE TIGER IN ME.
[purrs creepily]
- MAYBE STACY CAN TEACH ME
TO CRY.
- IT WOULD BE USEFUL AT HOME
AND IN A VARIETY
OF SOCIAL SITUATIONS.
- DRIVE HOME SAFE.
TITHE YOUR EARNINGS.
WELCOME, SINGLE SCIENTOLOGISTS.
- DID I MISS ANYTHING?
- NOTHING GOOD.
UPCHUCK SURVIVED.
- WHERE'S SIR SWANKY?
SORRY, I MEAN...
- WE BROKE UP.
- NO KIDDING.
- AT LEAST NOW I CAN ADMIT
I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.
- WHAT IF WE GET BACK TOGETHER?
- OH, CRAP.
- RELAX.
- THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNEW HE WAS A JERK,
DIDN'T YOU?
- I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS MY PLACE
TO STATE THAT
INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS FACT...
I MEAN IMPOSE
MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN YOU
DIDN'T TRY TO STEAL HIM FROM ME.
[together]
HEY!
- WHAT'D I SAY?
OH, MAYBE I DID ALL THAT
GOOFY STUFF
'CAUSE I WAS A LITTLE TOO EAGER
TO BE HANGING OUT
WITH A COOL GUY.
- NO, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT FUN BEING FUN.
I'M GONNA TRY
AND REMEMBER THAT,
ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT ONE DAY
I ACTUALLY ALLOW MYSELF
TO HAVE SOME.
- I GUESS NATHAN'S
STYLISH GOOD LOOKS BLINDED ME
TO THE PROFOUND JERKINESS
UNDERNEATH.
- YOU ALWAYS DID HAVE A WEAKNESS
FOR THE CUTE ONES.
- $80, $90, $100.
NOT BAD, CONSIDERING MOST
OF THOSE CLOTHES
CAME FROM THE ATTIC.
- HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE
OF A POSTWAR AMERICAN PIZZA?
- I GUESS I'M BUYING
SINCE I'VE GOT THE 100 BUCKS.
- $90.
REMEMBER?
YOU HAVE TO GIVE $10
TO MS. LEE.
- OH, YEAH.
DAMN POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BIG
"REVITALIZE DOWNTOWN LAWNDALE"
PLAN?
- THEY SPENT ALL THE MONEY
ON FLAGS.
COME ON.
WE HAVE TO GET
TO THE POST OFFICE
BEFORE IT CLOSES.
- AH, NEW WANTED POSTERS
GO UP TODAY?
- NO USE TRYING TO KEEP
GOOD NEWS SECRET IN THIS TOWN.
COMING?
- [whistling jovially]
- ACTUALLY, I REALLY NEED
AN ERASER,
A NICE, BIG, CUTE ONE.
YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD
AND I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU
AT THE PIZZA PLACE.
- LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
AND ESPECIALLY LADIES,
RUTTHEIMER
THE PRESTIDIGITATOR
BEGS YOUR INDULGENCE.
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE?
- LOOK, BABE.
UPCHUCK'S DOING MAGIC,
LIKE DAVID COPPERTONE.
- A SIMPLE DECK OF CARDS
AND NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE,
IF YOU DON'T COUNT
MY RIPPLING MUSCULATURE.
- LET'S GO, KEVIE,
OR CASHMAN'S WILL BE ALL OUT
OF THAT THING THAT YOU'RE
GONNA WANT TO BUY ME.
- NOW I'LL NEED SOME HELP
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
- ME, ME, ME!
- MM, YES, YOU'LL DO NICELY.
PICK A CARD, ANY CARD.
LOOK AT IT
AND RETURN IT TO THE DECK.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
- WE'RE NOT DONE.
- IT WAS STILL COOL.
- NOW, COMELY MISS,
IF YOU WILL,
REACH INTO MY SHIRT POCKET
WITH YOUR TEETH
AND REMOVE THE CARD
YOU FIND THERE.
- UM, OKAY.
- [purrs creepily]
IS THIS YOUR CARD, SIR?
- UM, I FORGOT.
- IT DID HAVE A GUY ON IT.
- OH, RIGHT.
HEY!
YOU TOOK MY CARD, MAN.
[applause]
- BURR, IT'S LIKE
HE READ YOUR MIND.
DO YOU THINK
HE CAN READ MY MIND?
'CAUSE THAT STUFF I WAS THINKING
ABOUT TEDDY WOZNIAK
DOESN'T MEAN I'D ACTUALLY DO
THAT STUFF WITH TEDDY WOZNI...
EEP!
- WOW, THIS PLACE IS SO OLD,
THE CRAYONS HAVE EXPIRED.
- IT'S REALLY ORBITING
PLANET YESTERDAY, HUH?
THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM
LIKE THEY USED TO.
- I LOVE THIS STUFF...
PHOTO CORNERS,
CLOTH TYPEWRITER RIBBON,
SEALING WAX.
- OH, LOOK, CARBON PAPER.
I'M NATHAN.
- JANE.
- I REALLY OUGHT TO GIVE THIS
A TEST SCRIBBLE
BEFORE I BUY IT.
MAYBE I COULD WRITE DOWN, SAY,
A PHONE NUMBER?
- HOW ABOUT MINE?
AND HE WEARS CUFFLINKS
AND DRIVES ONE OF THOSE
BIG OLD CARS WITH FINS.
HOW GREAT IS THAT?
- DO YOU THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO PICK UP A PERFECT STRANGER
WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE
OF INKWELL FUMES,
EVEN IF HE HAS COME HERE
FROM PREHISTORIC TIMES?
- HEY, IF I DIDN'T HAVE
THE NERVE TO PICK UP GUYS,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
- OH, GREAT.
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE TO DATE
THIS GUY NOW, AM I?
[together]
HEY!
- WHAT'D I SAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I HATE THE PRESENT TOO,
BUT NOT ENOUGH
TO WEAR A ZOOT SUIT.
- HE DOESN'T WEAR A ZOOT SUIT.
HE'S A SNAPPY DRESSER
IN THE CLASSICAL, ELEGANT SENSE.
PLUS, HE HAS IMPECCABLE MANNERS
AND A BITING WIT.
- OH, SO HE'S...
- AND HE LOVES GIRLS.
- OKAY, HE'S GOT IT ALL,
NOT LIKE SOME GUYS.
- IT'S TRUE;
IF I REALLY CARED,
I'D DRESS LIKE A DEAD MAN TOO.
- THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT,
YOU TWO.
MAYBE SOMETIME YOU CAN TEACH ME
HOW TO PASS JUDGMENT
ON SOMEONE I'VE NEVER MET.
- SHE'S GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED.
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY
THE KIND OF THING YOU CAN TEACH.
- I PLACE THE BALL
BENEATH A CUP.
WITH DAZZLING SKILL,
I MIX THEM UP.
THE BALL WITHDRAWS
LIKE A BASHFUL MAID
WHO RUNS AWAY
WHEN ATTENTION'S PAID.
WHERE, OH, WHERE
DID MY PRETTY ONE GO?
RISK TEN BILLS
IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW.
- DESPITE YOUR DISTRACTING
AND POORLY METERED RHYME,
MY EAGLE EYE TELLS ME THE BALL
IS CERTAINLY
UNDERNEATH THAT CUP!
AND I'VE GOT THE TEN-SPOT
TO PROVE IT!
- I HATE TO CONTRADICT YOU,
ANTHONY,
BUT IT'S UNDER THAT ONE.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BET,
MR. O'NEILL?
- YEAH, I'M NOT AFRAID
TO BACK UP
MY SPORTING SUPPOSITION
WITH COLD, HARD CASH!
- WELL, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
HAVE THE COURAGE
OF MY CONVICTIONS.
- OH, NO.
HOW COULD MY RAZOR-SHARP
INTELLECT BETRAY ME?
- IN LOSS, THERE IS WISDOM.
- GO AWAY!
- UM, YES.
- THANKS FOR THE ASSISTANCE,
MR. DE-PLANT-INO.
- I QUITE ENJOY HELPING
THE CREDULOUS HORDES
LEARN A VALUABLE LESSON
ABOUT GULLIBILITY AND TRUST.
GIVE ME MY CUT.
- THE CASH IS SWEET,
BUT SWEETER STILL,
THE CHANCE TO ATTRACT
THE MOST LUSCIOUS OF LADIES
WITH MY MESMERIZING
STAGE PRESENCE.
AHA!
IT'S WORKING ALREADY.
BEAUTEOUS MAIDENS,
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE?
- ONLY IF IT'S
A DISAPPEARING ACT.
- NO, A FEAT OF ILLUSION.
- LIKE CONTOURING YOUR NOSE
TO MAKE IT LOOK THIN?
- [gasps]
- NOT ME.
- PLEASE, SPARE JUST A MOMENT
TO BEHOLD
MY ASTONISHING MAGIC SKILLS.
- MAKE IT FAST, CHARLES.
I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK
IN THE MIDDAY COSMETICS
COUNTER CRUSH.
- OBSERVE,
GENUINE U.S. CURRENCY,
WHICH I SHALL NOW TEAR
INTO TINY PIECES.
[girls gasping]
- THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY
ILLEGAL.
- BUT WAIT.
THROUGH THE COMMANDING FORCE
OF MY VIRILE PRESENCE,
THE BILL IS MAGICALLY RESTORED.
[girls sigh]
- TRULY ASTONISHING.
- BUT HOW'D HE DO THAT?
- OH, STACY, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
HE OBVIOUSLY USED MIRRORS
OR SOMETHING.
- BESIDES, WHO CARES
IF HE CAN FIX A TEN?
IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS A 50.
- COME ON; LET'S MAKE
SOME REAL MONEY DISAPPEAR.
[laughter]
- THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, SANDY.
- HEY, STRANGER.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND MUCH.
- BEEN HANGING OUT WITH NATHAN.
- I HAD A HUNCH.
HEARD ANY GOOD
BARBERSHOP QUARTETS LATELY?
- NO, BUT WE WENT
TO AN ANTIQUE CAR SHOW SUNDAY,
AND WE'RE STARTING
FOXTROT LESSONS TONIGHT.
- SOUNDS GREAT,
EXCEPT FOR THE CAR SHOW
AND FOXTROT PART.
- DANCING IS FUN, DARIA,
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY
FOR YOU THESE DAYS.
- COME ON, A MONTH AGO,
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN LAUGHING
AT THIS TOO.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT
NATHAN AND ME DOWN
JUST BECAUSE YOU AND TOM
ARE IN A RUT.
- AT LEAST WE WEREN'T DOING
THE FOXTROT
WHEN WE TRIPPED
AND FELL INTO IT.
- HA.
- HEY, COME BACK.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR SEAMS
ARE CROOKED?
- SO...
PIZZA?
WHAT?
- DO YOU THINK
WE'RE IN A RUT?
- WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?
- JANE, JUST BECAUSE HER
EXCITING SOCIAL LIFE
INVOLVES COPILOTING
A TIME MACHINE.
- NATHAN?
- DON'T YOU THINK HE SOUNDS
A LITTLE PRETENTIOUS?
- IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK
ABOUT YOUR FUTURE BOYFRIEND?
- HEY.
- WHAT'D I SAY?
- [groans]
- COME ON.
LET'S SHAKE UP OUR ROUTINE
AND GO SOMEPLACE CRAZY.
- WHAT IF HE DOES TURN OUT
TO BE A COMPLETE JERK?
- ISN'T THAT JANE'S CALL?
- I FEEL A CERTAIN
RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING
OF HER SOCIAL LIFE.
- UM, ME TOO.
BUT WE GOT TO GIVE
THIS GUY A CHANCE.
- I GUESS.
- HI, I'M DEBBIE, YOUR SERVER.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SOUR CREAM
SUPREME POTATO SKIN
WITH YOUR ORDER TODAY?
- GEE, I'LL BET YOU SAY THAT
TO ALL THE CUSTOMERS.
- IF I DON'T, YOU GET A FREE
$5 PHINEAS T. FIREFLY
CERTIFICATE,
GOOD AT ANY OF OUR 240 LOCATIONS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
- THINK WE CAN CATCH
THE LAST RUT OUT OF HERE?
- YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE
USED TO BE A SPEAKEASY.
- UNTIL SOME SPOILSPORT
REPEALED PROHIBITION
AND RUINED EVERYTHING.
- ACTUALLY,
IT WAS THE DEVELOPERS
WHO RUINED EVERYTHING
WITH THEIR TRACT HOUSING,
MINI-MALLS, AND CHAIN
RESTAURANTS THAT SERVE...
POTATO SKINS.
- YOUSE KNOW THE PASSWORD?
- YAHOOTIE.
- OKAY, JOHNNY BOY.
YOU'RE IN.
- OH, NO, AFTER YOUSE.
- CHIVALRY AIN'T DEAD.
DAMES FIRST.
[jazz music]
- THE PROBLEM
WITH MODERN RESTAURANTS IS,
THEY DON'T SERVE ENOUGH
LIME ASPIC
WITH MARSHMALLOW SURPRISES.
- TOLD YOU THIS CLUB
WAS 18-KARAT.
TOO BAD THE CROWD TONIGHT'S
KIND OF FRANKIE-COME-LATELY.
THEY'RE SO POST-KHAKIS AD.
- OOH.
- I'M SERIOUS.
THAT GUY'S TIE IS TOO WIDE,
AND HIS COMPAÑERO'S WEARING
SUSPENDERS AND A BELT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY LET THEM IN.
- GEE, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE
PUT ON GLOVES AND A NECKLACE.
- RELAX, YOU'RE WITH NATHAN,
SWEETHEART.
YOU CAN'T BE MORE IN THAN THAT.
WANT TO CUT A RUG?
- JUST CALL ME "SCISSORS GIRL."
- JANE, YOU'RE ONE SWELL CHICK.
- AND YOU'RE, UH...
ONE SWELL SWELL?
- WOULD YOU MIND
IF I KISSED YOU?
- YOU'RE ACTUALLY ASKING?
- HEY, I'M A CLASS ACT.
- THEN, SURE.
- MY HAIR!
- IT'S A QUICK FIX.
- NO, NO, IT'S COMPLICATED.
I GOT TO GET TO A MIRROR.
- [sniffs] POMADE.
I GOT TO GET TO A NAPKIN.
- OH, HOW I WISH I COULD QUENCH
YOUR CURIOSITY, MY PET.
BUT I CANNOT REVEAL MY SECRETS.
IT'S THE MAGICIAN'S CODE.
- BUT I HAVE TO KNOW
HOW YOU DID IT.
I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY MIND...
THAT DREAM ABOUT THE MERMAIDS
IN THE FUDGE SAUCE, FOR EXAMPLE.
- WAS THAT STACY WITH UPCHUCK?
- NO WAY, IT MUST BE THAT GIRL
WHO LOOKS LIKE STACY
EXCEPT WHEN SHE TURNS AROUND.
- OR THAT GIRL WHO LOOKS
LIKE THAT GIRL.
- HEY, WAIT UP.
- YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE TROUBLE
WALKING IN HEELS.
- LISTEN, I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU
A HARD TIME ABOUT NATHAN.
- WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO WRITE PEOPLE OFF
BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW THEM?
- I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU
LIKED ABOUT ME.
- WELL, I GUESS
I CAN FORGIVE YOU.
BESIDES, THIS RETRO THING
IS PRETTY SILLY.
I MEAN, I'M WEARING A SNOOD.
- I WAS PRETENDING
NOT TO NOTICE.
- BUT WHAT THE HELL?
IT'S JUST FOR FUN.
- WHICH IS WHAT I FINALLY
FIGURED OUT.
SO CAN I WALK YOU TO YOUR
STENO POOL?
- ACTUALLY,
NATHAN IS PICKING ME UP.
[horn honking]
NEED A RIDE HOME?
- UM...
MATCHING DRESS AND TIE.
UM...
COPACETIC.
- HEY, YOU SPEAKA THE JIVE.
- I DABBLE.
- THAT'S A SWINGIN' LOOK
YOU'VE PUT TOGETHER, DARIA...
CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL
MEETS KING'S ROAD, LONDON,
CIRCA '83.
- DARN, I WAS GOING
FOR CIRCA '82.
- HEY, DARIA, DO YOU AND TOM
WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US FRIDAY?
WE'RE GONNA CHECK OUT
THIS MOVIE THEATER OUTSIDE TOWN.
- UM, SURE.
THAT SOUNDS... FUN.
- NATHAN, HOW THE HELL
ARE YOU KEEPING THAT HAT ON?
- CUSTOM-MADE, MY MAN.
IT'S ALL IN THE FIT.
- AND YET THEY CAN'T FIND
A CURE FOR CANCER.
- NATHAN OWNS A PAIR OF PANTS
THAT BELONGED
TO SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
- I CAN'T WEAR THEM, THOUGH.
THEY'RE A VERY STRANGE SHAPE.
- THEN WHAT DO YOU PUT ON
WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE A SUNRISE
AND SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW?
- HOW'D YOU GET INTERESTED
IN ALL THIS?
- WELL, I'VE ALWAYS DUG
THE BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE
OF POSTWAR AMERICAN DESIGN.
PEOPLE HAD A SENSE
OF TIMELESS STYLE
AND CIVILIZED DECORUM BACK THEN.
- WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU ALSO
HAD THE TIMELESS STYLE
OF COLD WAR CONFORMITY
AND THE CIVILIZED DECORUM
OF SEGREGATION.
- I'M NOT SAYING
IT WAS ALL STEAK AND ONIONS,
BUT THERE WERE STANDARDS.
- YEAH, DRESS CODES,
LOYALTY OATHS.
- OH, THERE IT IS.
- WHAT MOVIE ARE WE SEEING?
- NO MOVIE.
- WOW, EERIE.
LET'S GET OUT AND POKE AROUND.
- IT IS KIND OF BIZARRE.
- NO, HAIRLESS CATS ARE BIZARRE.
THIS IS KIND OF... COOL.
- DARN,
WE'RE THE FIRST ONES HERE.
I WANTED TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.
- FIRST ONES HERE?
- LOOK, HERE COMES
CHARLISE AND ASHER.
- OH, GOD, IT'S NIGHT
OF THE VINTAGE THREADS.
- COME ON, JANE.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GANG.
- THERE'S A GANG?
- BUT FIRST, HAIR CHECK.
[upbeat jazz music]
- GO, MAN, GO!
- YEAH!
- LOOK AT THAT GUY MOVE, MAN!
- HEY, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
- AND I'M SURE THEY DIDN'T SPEND
A GOOD PORTION
OF THEIR TEEN YEARS
PRACTICING IT EITHER.
- AREN'T YOU GUYS COMING?
- YOU MEAN OUTSIDE?
YOU DO SEE THE PEOPLE, RIGHT?
- DARIA.
- OKAY, OKAY.
JUST DROP US OFF
AT HOME FIRST.
- AH, LEAVE 'EM.
SOME PEOPLE CAN'T
MAKE THE SCENE
UNLESS THEY CLEAR IT FIRST
WITH THE P.C. POLICE.
- FOR A MINUTE
DURING THE RIDE THERE,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GO
FOR HIS THROAT.
- BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN
FIGHTING BACK THE URGE
TO STRANGLE HIM
WITH SAMMY DAVIS' PANTS.
BUT JANE THINKS HE'S SWINGIN'.
[sighs]
I WISH THE P.C. POLICE
WERE HERE.
I BET THEY'D GIVE US
A RIDE HOME.
- I HAD A GREAT TIME
THE OTHER NIGHT.
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- SORRY WE WOKE YOU GUYS UP
WHEN WE GOT BACK IN THE CAR.
- HEY, NO PROBLEM.
WE GOT IN A GOOD THREE HOURS
FIRST.
- COME SEE A FEAT
OF LEGERDEMAIN SO DANGEROUS,
I'VE TAKEN OUT
AN INSURANCE POLICY ON MY BODY
AND MY BODILY FLUIDS.
THIS SATURDAY NIGHT,
I WILL BE HANDCUFFED,
STRAIGHT-JACKETED,
AND INTERRED WITHIN AN AIRTIGHT,
STEEL-REINFORCED,
MILITARY-GRADE TRUNK.
THEN IT'S ESCAPE...
OR ASPHYXIATE.
- DO WE GET TO PICK?
- ALL PROCEEDS...
- AHEM.
- MOST PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT
THE SPECIAL EXPENDITURES FUND
FOR EMBEDDING MICROCHIPS
IN THE GYM EQUIPMENT.
- UPCHUCK BOUND AND GAGGED.
THAT DOES SOUND ENTERTAINING.
- I'LL TAKE FOUR TICKETS.
- ON BEHALF OF PILFERED
BASKETBALLS EVERYWHERE,
MISS LANE,
I'D LIKE TO SAY
THAT'S VERY SCHOOL-SPIRITED
OF YOU.
- YOU ASK TOM.
I'LL ASK NATHAN.
MY TREAT.
- IF THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT.
- BEHOLD, AN APPROACHING
QUARTET OF LOVELIES.
IT APPEARS MY MAGIC MOJO
IS WORKING OVERTIME.
HI...
STACY.
- UH... HI.
[giggles]
- DID YOU JUST SAY HELLO
TO UPCHUCK,
OR WAS THAT A HICCUP?
- MUST BE ALL THE DIET SODA
I'VE BEEN DRINKING.
[doorbell dings]
- WHOA.
CANARY YELLOW.
- HI, I'M NATHAN,
JANE'S ESCORT FOR THE EVENING.
YOU MUST BE TRENT.
IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- YEAH, SAME HERE.
YOU, UM, DRESS LIKE THAT
EVERY DAY?
- SURE, DO YOU?
- WHAT?
- DRESS LIKE THAT?
I MEAN, THE '60s ARE OVER.
- THE '40s WERE OVER FIRST.
- MAYBE, BUT GREAT STYLE
IS TIMELESS.
- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
THANKS.
- NO, THANK YOU.
- IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER
WHEN I HAD ONE OUTFIT.
[knocking]
YO.
- HEY, GORGEOUS.
- HEY.
WOW, YOU REALLY DO OWN
A ZOOT SUIT.
- GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING
FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
- TROUBLED TRAVELS...
BY TRIKE!
UNDERAGE ROAD RAGE NEXT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- HOW CAN ANYONE WATCH
THAT CRAP?
THE DECLINE OF MODERN
CIVILIZATION, RIGHT?
- EXACTLY.
- READY TO GO?
THE TIKI TAVERN
IS GONNA BE PACKED TONIGHT.
- I BOUGHT TICKETS
TO SEE UPCHUCK THE IRRITATING.
REMEMBER?
YOU KNOW, FIRST THE FREAKY,
THEN THE TIKI.
- OH, COME ON.
MAGIC IS SO OLD AND CORNY.
AND THE GANG'S EXPECTING US
IN TIME FOR THE
FLOATING UKULELE REVIEW.
- I TOLD DARIA AND TOM
WE'D BE THERE.
YOU KNOW, MY GANG?
- SORRY, IT'S JUST NOT MY SPEED.
UM, YOU KNOW YOU'RE MIXING
'40s SHOES
WITH A '50s DRESS, RIGHT?
- OKAY.
- I THINK STACY HAS CONFUSED
BEING FASHIONABLY LATE
WITH OUTRIGHT TARDINESS.
- SHE'S BEEN SO WEIRD LATELY.
- SHE HARDLY DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING
AT LUNCH.
DID THAT MAKE SENSE?
- I GOT IT.
- WELCOME, ONE AND ALL!
I'D LIKE TO THANK
MR. RUTTHEIMER
FOR SUPPORTING
A MOST WORTHY CAUSE,
AND FOR GIVING ME SOME POINTERS
ON ADAPTING THE INTERCOM SYSTEM
FOR POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION.
I WILL TITHE MY EARNINGS
TO LAWNDALE HIGH,
TITHE MY EARNINGS
TO LAWNDALE HIGH.
AND NOW, RUTTHEIMER
THE PRESTIDIGITATOR
AND HIS LOVELY ASSISTANT STACY!
[crowd gasps]
- EMERGENCY MEETING
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING SHOW.
- HER COSTUME,
IT'S SO SPARKLY.
- GREETINGS,
MAGIC AFICIONADOS.
BE GENTLE, MY SWEET.
I HAVE VERY DELICATE...
EVERYTHING.
- I HOPE I'M DOING THIS RIGHT.
- NO COMPLAINTS ON THIS END.
[purrs creepily]
AS SOON AS I AM FULLY BONDAGED,
I WILL ENTER
THIS STEEL-REINFORCED TRUNK,
WHICH THE LOVELY STACY
WILL CLOSE AND LOCK
FROM THE OUTSIDE.
- OH, NO.
WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
[muffled speech]
- WHERE DO YOU THINK
JANE AND NATHAN ARE?
- MAYBE THE ROADSTER
RAN OUT OF JIVE JUICE.
- DO THESE MEET
WITH YOUR APPROVAL?
- THEY'RE FROM THE '40s TOO.
I JUST DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY
TO MIX ERAS YET.
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING
A '40s ZOOT SUIT
TO A '60s TIKI BAR.
- DAMN, WHAT WAS I THINKING?
NOW I HAVE TO GO HOME
AND CHANGE.
- WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
I RENTED THE AUDITORIUM OUT,
AND THE SINGLE SCIENTOLOGISTS
WILL BE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.
- HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIGNAL ME!
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
- PANIC!
PANIC!
I FORESEE A MASSIVE HIKE
IN INSURANCE PREMIUMS.
- WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP
BAILING OUT
THE NAIVE AND/OR INCOMPETENT
WHEN THEIR ILL-CONCEIVED PLANS
GO AWRY?
- IT'S JUST LIKE A MAN
TO BE THERE ONE MINUTE
AND GONE THE NEXT.
- GET OVER YOURSELF!
YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL
WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT
SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.
- NATHAN, IT'S A FAD.
IT'S JUST FOR FUN,
NOT SOMETHING TO GO TO WAR OVER.
- YOU'RE WRONG.
RETRO WILL NEVER DIE.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT
BOWLING SHIRTS
AND COCKTAIL SHAKERS
AND DICE-SHAPED CUFFLINKS.
IT'S ABOUT PRIDE AND STANDARDS
THAT SET US APART FROM TODAY'S
MINDLESS, INSIPID MAINSTREAM.
THE TRENDIES HAVE COME AND GONE.
THE TRUE BELIEVERS ARE LEFT.
ARE YOU WITH US
OR AGAINST US?
- NATHAN,
IF YOU REALLY LIKED ME,
IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF I WAS
WEARING FISHNETS OR SWEATPANTS.
- YOU OWN SWEATPANTS?
- GET OUT.
- DILETTANTE.
- POSEUR.
- UGH!
I WAS PRE-KHAKIS COMMERCIAL,
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
- [whimpering]
- COME ON, RIGID, STUBBORN
BOX OF DEATH!
YIELD, I SAY.
YIELD!
- NO GOOD-BYE,
NOT EVEN A NOTE,
AFTER I GAVE YOU
THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!
- STACY, IT'S JUST TRAGIC
HOW YOU SO COMPLETELY
EMBARRASSED YOURSELF.
- YEAH, AND FREAKED OUT.
- AND YOUR MASCARA,
IT'S NOT EVEN WATERPROOF.
OH!
I CAN'T LOOK.
- GOOD THING UPCHUCK'S
BURIED ALIVE IN THERE
SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO SPEND
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
SEEKING REVENGE FOR THE WAY
HE'S HUMILIATED YOU
IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.
- OH, SANDY, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
- HUH?
- UGH!
WHERE IS HE?
- PROBABLY CHATTING UP
SOME TOOTSIE
IN A SLEAZY ROADSIDE TAVERN,
COMPLAINING HOW HE AND HIS WIFE
HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THE SAME BED
SINCE...
- HE'S BACK THERE!
- SHAZAM.
- GOT TO ADMIT, I REALLY THOUGHT
HE WAS IN TROUBLE.
- OPTIMIST.
ARE THOSE SAMMY DAVIS' PANTS?
- LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY LOVELY
AND VERY TALENTED ASSISTANT
STACY
AND HER OSCAR-WORTHY
ACTING JOB.
YOUR CROCODILE TEARS
BRING OUT THE TIGER IN ME.
[purrs creepily]
- MAYBE STACY CAN TEACH ME
TO CRY.
- IT WOULD BE USEFUL AT HOME
AND IN A VARIETY
OF SOCIAL SITUATIONS.
- DRIVE HOME SAFE.
TITHE YOUR EARNINGS.
WELCOME, SINGLE SCIENTOLOGISTS.
- DID I MISS ANYTHING?
- NOTHING GOOD.
UPCHUCK SURVIVED.
- WHERE'S SIR SWANKY?
SORRY, I MEAN...
- WE BROKE UP.
- NO KIDDING.
- AT LEAST NOW I CAN ADMIT
I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.
- WHAT IF WE GET BACK TOGETHER?
- OH, CRAP.
- RELAX.
- THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNEW HE WAS A JERK,
DIDN'T YOU?
- I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS MY PLACE
TO STATE THAT
INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS FACT...
I MEAN IMPOSE
MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN YOU
DIDN'T TRY TO STEAL HIM FROM ME.
[together]
HEY!
- WHAT'D I SAY?
OH, MAYBE I DID ALL THAT
GOOFY STUFF
'CAUSE I WAS A LITTLE TOO EAGER
TO BE HANGING OUT
WITH A COOL GUY.
- NO, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT FUN BEING FUN.
I'M GONNA TRY
AND REMEMBER THAT,
ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT ONE DAY
I ACTUALLY ALLOW MYSELF
TO HAVE SOME.
- I GUESS NATHAN'S
STYLISH GOOD LOOKS BLINDED ME
TO THE PROFOUND JERKINESS
UNDERNEATH.
- YOU ALWAYS DID HAVE A WEAKNESS
FOR THE CUTE ONES.
- $80, $90, $100.
NOT BAD, CONSIDERING MOST
OF THOSE CLOTHES
CAME FROM THE ATTIC.
- HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE
OF A POSTWAR AMERICAN PIZZA?
- I GUESS I'M BUYING
SINCE I'VE GOT THE 100 BUCKS.
- $90.
REMEMBER?
YOU HAVE TO GIVE $10
TO MS. LEE.
- OH, YEAH.
DAMN POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪