Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 10 - Aunt Nauseam - full transcript

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

- SO THEN SANDI SAID
TO MR. O'NEILL,

"WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET
TECHNICAL,

"ALL WRITING IS PLAGIARISM

BECAUSE YOU'RE USING WORDS
THAT ALREADY EXIST."

AND HE GAVE HER
AN "F" ANYWAY.

- MAYBE SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE
TITLED HER STORY

SANDI GRIFFIN'S DRACULA.

- NO HARDTACK TONIGHT, LADS.

WE'RE GOING
TOP RAIL NUMBER ONE.

- GEE, IS IT
FAMILY BABBLE TIME ALREADY?

- THAT'S CIVIL WAR TALK,
DARIA.

- WHAT IS THAT?

- IT'S FROM MY NEW
CIVIL WAR COOKBOOK.

- CIVIL WAR COOKBOOK...

SO YOU'RE SERVING US
AMPUTATED LEG?

- EWW!

- NO, IT'S CORNED PORK
AND CABBAGE.

- EWW!

- GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE.

- IF IT'S ABOUT US LADS
GOING TOP RAIL NUMBER ONE,

THAT'S YESTERDAY'S
BROADSHEET.

- WE FINALLY SETTLED
THE ATC MOTORS CASE

AFTER A GRUELING MONTH,

AND AT LAST, I'M GOING TO GET
SOME TIME OFF

TO SPEND WITH MY FAMILY.

- DAD, WHO'S THAT WOMAN
IN THE BUSINESS SUIT?

- I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

ERIC'S, UM, EXHAUSTED

AND IS TAKING 28 DAYS
TO, UH, RECUPERATE.

ALL THAT ESPRESSO
HE WAS DRINKING

REALLY WORE HIM DOWN.

- ESPRESSO?

- TO SAY NOTHING

OF THOSE PRESCRIPTION
AMPHETAMINE DOUGHNUTS.

- DARIA.

- SO HE'S IN DETOX AGAIN?
- QUINN!

- OH, RIGHT.
ESPRESSO.

- HELLO?

OH, HELLO, RITA.

- UH-OH, CALL THE SIBLING
RIVALRY SWAT TEAM.

- WHAT? ERIN AND BRIAN
ARE GETTING DIVORCED?

- UH, YOU MEAN
I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY

IN THAT DISGUSTING
BRIDESMAID'S DRESS FOR NOTHING?

- NO, YOU HAD TO PAY FOR IT,
REMEMBER?

- WELL, OF COURSE
I'D LOVE TO HANDLE IT,

BUT IT'S NOT REALLY
MY AREA OF EXPERTISE, AND...

RITA, THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A SIMPLE DIVORCE.

Beep!

HANG ON;
THAT'S MY CALL WAITING.

HELLO.
OH, MOM. HI.

WELL, I WAS JUST NOW
TALKING TO RITA ABOUT THAT.

SEE, I JUST CAME OFF
THIS BACKBREAKING CASE.

- YOU TELL HER.

- YES, I KNOW THIS ISN'T EASY
FOR EITHER OF THEM,

BUT AN ATTORNEY WHO SPECIALIZES
IN DIVORCE COULD...

WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY
I'M THE BEST LAWYER IN MY FIRM.

ERIC'S... REALLY?

WELL, OF COURSE I WANT RITA IN
THE MOST CAPABLE HANDS POSSIBLE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
BYE.

RITA, I'M IN.

- OH, GOD, HELEN, NO!

THE WAY
YOU AND YOUR SISTER FIGHT,

A MAN CAN ONLY TAKE
SO MUCH!

- NO, THAT WAS JAKE.
HE SAYS HI.

- WELL, IF I CAN'T SAY
SANDI GRIFFIN'S DRACULA,

WHY DOES BRAD STOKER GET TO SAY
BRAD STOKER'S DRACULA?

- UM, I THINK
THAT'S BRAM STOKER.

- I DON'T.
- PERHAPS NOT.

BUT ANYWAY, HE GETS TO SAY IT
BECAUSE HE MADE THE STORY UP.

- HUH, QUINN, DRACULA IS

AN INTERNATIONALLY KNOWN
CELEBRITY VAMPIRE.

MADE THE STORY UP.

- GUYS, HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY NEW DRESS?

YOU DON'T THINK THE BLUE
IS TOO RISQUE, DO YOU?

- NOT AT ALL,

AND IT GOES PERFECTLY
WITH YOUR CELL PHONE.

- REALLY?
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT?

- QUINN'S RIGHT.

FOR ONCE,
YOU HAVE CHOSEN A DRESS

THAT'S NOT A COMPLETE
EMBARRASSMENT TO THE REST OF US.

- OH, THANK YOU, SANDI.

- COME ON; LET'S GET
TO THE CAFETERIA

BEFORE THEY RUN
OUT OF SHREDDED LETTUCE.

- OH, NO.

TIFFANY IS WEARING
YOUR DRESS.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?

- IN THIS CANINE GO-GO BAR,

THE SPECIALTY OF THE HOUSE
IS... HOT DOG...

LAP-DANCING LAPDOGS
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK, DARIA?

STONEWALL JACKSON FED HIS MEN
THESE JOHNNYCAKES

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE BATTLE
OF CHANCELLORSVILLE.

- WELL, THAT EXPLAINS
WHY THEY SHOT HIM THERE.

- ALL RIGHT, RITA.

I'VE GATHERED
THE NECESSARY PAPERWORK,

AND WE CAN GO OVER IT WHEN
YOU AND ERIN GET HERE SATURDAY.

- ACTUALLY,
IT'LL JUST BE ERIN.

I'D COME,
BUT I PROMISED RALPH...

YOU KNOW
THE ACTOR I'VE BEEN DATING?

I PROMISED TO TAKE HIM
TO NEW YORK FOR HIS BIRTHDAY,

MAYBE CATCH A PLAY OR TWO.
- UH-HUH.

- BUT I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN I GET BACK.

GOOD LUCK.

Beep!

- WELL, THAT'S JUST PERFECT.

RITA'S NOT EVEN COMING.

- HEY, THAT'S GREAT!
- NO, IT'S NOT!

SHE'S SPENDING THE MONEY
I'M SAVING HER...

ON A TRIP WITH HER BOYFRIEND
TO NEW YORK.

- JOHNNYCAKE?

- HEY.

- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GET THROUGH
ON THE PHONE AT ALL ANYMORE.

ISN'T YOUR SISTER AFRAID HER EAR
WILL GROW OVER THE RECEIVER?

- ACTUALLY, MY MOTHER'S THE ONE
BURNING UP THE LINES.

MY IDIOT COUSIN IS SUING
HER HUSBAND FOR A DIVORCE,

AND MOM GOT ROPED
INTO HANDLING IT.

- OUCH; WANT TO DRIVE
AROUND THE BLOCK

AND GIVE ME THE GORY DETAILS?

- NO, I'VE ALREADY PUT
A BITCHING SESSION WITH JANE

ON MY CALENDAR FOR TOMORROW.

- OKAY, SO JUST WANT TO DRIVE
AROUND THE BLOCK

WITH NO DISCERNIBLE GOAL?

- IT'S PROBABLY NOT
A GOOD TIME FOR THAT.

THANKS, THOUGH.

- NO THANKS NECESS...

SARY.

- SO MY MOTHER
GETS CAUGHT UP

IN ALL THIS CRAP
WITH HER FAMILY,

AND THEN OUR FAMILY
HAS TO SUFFER FOR IT.

- AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN
LOOKING FORWARD

TO HAVING A RINGSIDE SEAT

AT YOUR COUSIN'S
GUT-WRENCHING BREAKUP?

- I KNOW; IT'S LIKE
I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE FUN.

- ALL RIGHT, STACY, TIFFANY,

YOU MAY EACH DELIVER
YOUR PREPARED STATEMENT

ABOUT WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE
THE DRESS...

- A DEBATE WAS
SUCH A GREAT IDEA, SANDI.

- FOLLOWED BY A REBUTTAL.

- EEWW, THAT WORD.

- STACY.

- WELL, I THINK
I SHOULD HAVE THE DRESS

BECAUSE TIFFANY LOOKS GOOD
IN ANYTHING,

WHEREAS I DON'T,

DUE TO A SLIGHT ASYMMETRY
IN MY SHOULDERS

THAT IS VERY PAINFUL
FOR ME EVEN TO MENTION

BUT WHICH THIS PARTICULAR DRESS
MINIMIZES

WHILE SETTING OFF MY EYES.

- VERY GOOD, STACY.

AND NOW TIFFANY.

- WELL, I THINK
I SHOULD HAVE THE DRESS.

- UM, TIFFANY, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ADD?

- YES.

THANK YOU, AND GOD BLESS.

- PERHAPS A DEBATE IS
NOT THE WAY TO GO HERE.

- HMM, SHOULD I GIVE ERIN
AN AFTER-YOU-DUMP-HIM MAKEOVER

OR A NEWLY SINGLE AND SIZZLING
MAKEOVER?

- THAT DEPENDS.
WHICH ONE INVOLVES BOILING OIL?

- NOW, WHILE ERIN'S HERE,

I WANT YOU BOTH
TO MAKE HER FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

SHE'S FAMILY, AND SHE NEEDS
OUR LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.

I COULD KILL
THAT SISTER OF MINE!

- BRING ON THE GUEST.

ONE FRESH PITCHER OF MARTINIS
READY TO POUR.

- JAKE, ERIN DOESN'T DRINK
MARTINIS.

- I KNOW THAT;
THEY'RE FOR ME,

JUST IN CASE RITA CALLS.

- THAT MUST BE ERIN.

RITA.

RITA, WHY AREN'T YOU
IN NEW YORK?

- RALPH BROKE UP WITH ME.

OH, IF ONLY MOM HAD SENT ME
TO GSTAAD ALONG WITH ERIN.

- ERIN'S IN GSTAAD,
SWITZERLAND?

- MOM THOUGHT SHE COULD USE
A WEEK AT A SPA

TO CALM HER NERVES.

WASN'T THAT THOUGHTFUL?

ALWAYS THINKING
OF HER GRANDCHILDREN...

ONE OF THEM, ANYWAY.

UM, RITA, YOU KNOW,

IT WOULD BE REALLY HELPFUL
IF ERIN WERE HERE.

IT IS HER DIVORCE, AFTER ALL.

- WE CAN ALWAYS CALL HER
IF WE HAVE TO.

UM, HELEN, I KIND OF ARRANGED
TO HAVE MY HOUSE PAINTED

WHILE I THOUGHT I'D BE
IN NEW YORK.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I STAY
HERE WITH YOU THIS WEEK.

- DEAR LORD.

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

- OH, HI, ERIN.

SORRY ABOUT BRIAN.

I HATE HAVING TO BREAK UP
WITH GUYS I'M DATING.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MARRIAGE ISN'T THE SAME
AS DATING.

NOBODY EVER GIVES YOU
REALLY NICE APPLIANCES

JUST FOR GOING OUT
WITH A GUY.

ERIN, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

- FIRST OF ALL,

BRIAN AND ERIN NEED TO LIST
ALL THEIR ASSETS.

- THAT SHOULD BE A BREEZE
FOR HIM.

YOU KNOW
THE GOVERNMENT FIRED HIM

THE DAY THEY GOT BACK
FROM THEIR HONEYMOON?

THEY'VE BEEN LIVING
OFF HER SALARY

WHILE THAT CLOWN TRIES TO PASS
HIS REAL ESTATE EXAM.

- WELL, GOOD.

THEN HE HAS NO REAL CLAIM
ON HER PROPERTY.

- AUNT RITA, UM,
ERIN WANTS YOU TO KNOW

THAT SHE AND BRIAN KIND OF
SIGNED A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT

THAT SHE KIND OF
NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT

TO KIND OF SPLIT EVERYTHING
50-50.

SHE'S GOT TO GO.
BYE.

- WHAT?
LET ME TALK TO HER.

DAMN.

- SAY, UM, DARIA,
COULD YOU, UM, HELP ME

IN THE, UM, KITCHEN
WITH THE, UH...

- JOHNNYCAKES?
- YEAH, THE JOHNNYCAKES.

- SMOOTH, MR. BOND.

LEAD THE WAY.

- THAT LITTLE WEASEL
MADE HER SIGN A PRENUP.

HE KNEW SHE WAS GONNA BE
THE BREADWINNER.

WE'VE GOT TO FIGHT THIS,
HELEN,

ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPREME
COURT, IF WE HAVE TO.

- RITA, THE SUPREME COURT
DOESN'T HANDLE DIVORCES.

THEY'RE SWAMPED
WITH SHOPLIFTING CASES.

NOW, THERE'S A JUNIOR ASSOCIATE
IN MY OFFICE

WITH A TON OF EXPERIENCE
IN MATRIMONIAL LAW.

I'LL BE HAPPY TO...

- YOU'D PUT ERIN'S LIFE IN
THE HANDS OF A JUNIOR ASSOCIATE?

- RITA, YOU SAID
THIS WAS A SIMPLE DIVORCE,

AND IT'S NOT.

I'M REALLY NOT QUALIFIED

TO HANDLE
SOMETHING THIS COMPLICATED.

- OH, I SEE;
YOU'RE WILLING TO HELP,

PROVIDED IT DOESN'T TAKE MORE
THAN TEN MINUTES OF YOUR TIME.

WELL, I'M SURE
MOM AND I CAN FIGURE OUT

SOME WAY TO HIRE
A LAWYER WHO CAN.

- ALL RIGHT!
I'LL DO IT.

I CAN'T TAKE IT, DARIA:

THE FIGHTING, THE YELLING,

AND THEN ALWAYS THE CRYING.

- YOURS, YOU MEAN.

- I GOT TO GET OUT,

AT LEAST
UNTIL THE DUST SETTLES.

- OR THE BODIES STOP TWITCHING.

- NOW, WE'RE GONNA NEED
A SIGNAL.

OKAY, WHEN I CALL,
IF RITA IS STILL HERE,

SAY, "THE EAGLE HAS LANDED."

AND IF THEY'RE FIGHTING, SAY,
"THE CROW FLIES AT MIDNIGHT."

BUT IF SHE'S GONE, THEN
"THE PIGEONS ARE AT REST."

GOT THAT?

- IS THERE ANY WAY TO WORK IN
"HARK, I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR"?

- GOOD LUCK.
HI, QUINN. BYE, NOW.

- DAD'S LEAVING?

- ONLY UNTIL MOM AND AUNT RITA
STOP BEING SISTERS.

- HMM, MAYBE AFTER
MY FASHION CLUB MEETING,

WE SHOULD JUST STAY
AROUND THE HOUSE

UNTIL AUNT RITA LEAVES...

YOU KNOW, TO BE, LIKE,
PEACEKEEPERS?

I'LL CANCEL MY DATES.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS
TONIGHT, RIGHT?

- WELL, I WAS GONNA
GO DOWNTOWN

AND COUNT
THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK.

- OH, DARIA,
SURELY THAT CAN WAIT.

CAN I MAKE YOU
A CARROT JUICE?

- BUT, SANDI, WHAT IF I AGREED
TO WEAR MY DRESS

ONLY ON ODD-NUMBERED DAYS

AND TIFFANY AGREED TO WEAR HERS
ONLY ON EVEN-NUMBERED ONES?

- STACY, DAYS HAVE NAMES,
NOT NUMBERS.

- ALTERNATING SOUNDS
LIKE A GOOD IDEA.

- OH, SURE, UNTIL OUR ENEMIES
SPREAD THE RUMOR

THAT STACY AND TIFFANY ARE
TRADING OFF A SINGLE GARMENT,

THE ONLY POSSIBLE SCENARIO
MORE HORRIFYING

THAN OWNING
TWO OF THE SAME DRESS.

- OH, GOD!
OH, GOD!

- I'M SORRY, TERESA, BUT WE MUST
RETURN THESE DRESSES.

HERE ARE THE RECEIPTS.

- OH, NO.

UM, GUYS, YOU BOUGHT THESE
DRESSES OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.

IT'S TOO LATE TO RETURN THEM.

- SURELY THOSE SILLY RULES
DON'T APPLY

TO YOUR MOST VALUED CUSTOMERS.

- I'M REALLY SORRY.

I CAN GIVE YOU SOME FREE
SHOPPING BAGS, IF YOU WANT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU BOUGHT MY DRESS.

- EXCUSE ME.
YOU BOUGHT MY DRESS.

- GUYS, GUYS!
STOP THE MADNESS.

IS A DRESS REALLY WORTH
DESTROYING THE SACRED BOND

BETWEEN FASHION CLUB MEMBER
AND FASHION CLUB MEMBER?

STOP YOUR FIGHTING
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- QUINN, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

- KNOCK IT OFF,
YOU LITTLE BRATS!

- WHO IS THIS?
RITA?

MUST HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

DAMN IT.

- NOW, PRENUP OR NO PRENUP,

WITH A LITTLE
CREATIVE ACCOUNTING,

I THINK WE CAN GET BRIAN TO TAKE
A FAIRLY MODEST LUMP SUM.

- GOD, I HOPE SO.

HE'S CERTAINLY OLD ENOUGH
TO BE EARNING HIS OWN MONEY.

- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- OH, HI, ERIN.

UH-HUH.

WHAT? THAT'S GREAT!
BYE.

GUESS WHAT.
THE DIVORCE IS OFF.

- BUT WE WERE HAVING
SO MUCH FUN.

- COME ON, LET'S TELL MOM
AND AUNT RITA.

- JUST ADMIT THAT EMPLOYMENT

HAS NEVER BEEN
ONE OF YOUR STRONG SUITS.

- MOM, AUNT RITA.

- EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAD
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO,

LIKE RAISE ERIN.

- ERIN'S 24, RITA.

- LISTEN!

BRIAN FLEW TO SWITZERLAND
TO MAKE UP,

AND THEY'RE HAVING
A SECOND HONEYMOON.

- ON MOTHER'S CREDIT CARD,
NO DOUBT.

YOU KNOW, JAKE AND I
BARELY HAD A FIRST HONEYMOON

BECAUSE WE HAD TO PAY
FOR OUR OWN WEDDING.

- AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
MY FAULT?

- WELL, IF YOU HADN'T GONE
OVER BUDGET

ON YOUR WEDDING
SIX MONTHS BEFORE...

YOUR FIRST WEDDING.

- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

- $4,000
FOR A LIGHTED DANCE FLOOR!

- HELEN, DISCO WAS KING.

- OH, JUST FINE.

- MOM BROKE
EVERY RULE OF PARENTING,

THE WAY SHE FAVORED YOU.

- IT'S JUST LIKE YOU TO DECLARE
THE RULES FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

- OH, WHEN WILL IT STOP?
WHEN? WHEN?

- CARE TO STEP AWAY
FROM THE CROSSFIRE?

- WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON IN THERE?

- LOOK, IT'S BAD ENOUGH
I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT ALL DAY.

I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO.

- UM, SORRY.

SO...

- I'D BETTER GO.

MOM MAY NEED AN EYEWITNESS

OR SOMEONE TO HAND HER
THE MURDER WEAPON.

- DARIA.
- WHAT?

- NOTHING.

- HELLO.

- DARIA?
THANK GOD IT'S YOU.

SO, UM, HAS THE EAGLE LANDED,
OR IS IT THE CROW?

- AUNT RITA'S STILL HERE
AND...

- DARIA, IS THAT YOUR FATHER?

- NO, NO, NO, NO!

- A LARGE PIZZA
WITH EXTRA CHEESE.

GOT IT.
THANKS FOR CALLING PIZZA PRINCE.

Beep!

- YOU'RE UP.

- AWW.

- WHERE IS YOUR FATHER,
ANYWAY?

- JOHNNYCAKE FEST 3000.

- GREAT.
NOW JAKE'S RUN OFF.

- DID YOU EVER THINK THAT
HE MIGHT STICK AROUND MORE

IF YOU WEREN'T SO PREOCCUPIED
WITH WORK?

- EXCUSE ME.

THE ONLY WORK I'VE BEEN DOING
AROUND HERE IS FOR YOU, DAMN IT!

- HELLO.
- HI, AUNT AMY.

- RITA, WE NEED TO TALK.

- RELAX, I'M GOING HOME
TO THE PAINT FUMES.

AND DON'T WORRY.

ERIN AND I WILL
NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN.

- LOOK, I THINK WE BOTH SAID
THINGS WE SHOULDN'T HAVE.

BUT FOR ONCE,
LET'S NOT GO AWAY ANGRY, OKAY?

- I DON'T KNOW, HELEN.

- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

LET'S BURY THE HATCHET
AND, UM, BAKE SOME COOKIES.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- COOKIES?
FROM SCRATCH?

- MORE OR LESS.

CHOCOLATE CHIP
OR PEANUT BUTTER?

- THE CHIPS ARE
ALREADY IN IT, RIGHT?

- OF COURSE.

I THINK.

- AUNT AMY?

- DARIA CALLED
FOR REINFORCEMENTS.

HAVE YOUR MOTHER AND RITA
KILLED EACH OTHER YET?

- ACTUALLY, THEY'RE
IN THE KITCHEN MAKING COOKIES.

- NO. REALLY?

- YOU'RE CUTTING THOSE SLICES
TOO THICK.

- THE PACKAGE SAYS
1/2 AN INCH.

THAT IS 1/2 AN INCH.

- OKAY, I JUST HOPE YOU LIKE
YOUR COOKIES UNDERCOOKED.

- HERE.
YOU CUT IT.

I'M SURE YOU COULD DO
A MUCH BETTER JOB

THAN LITTLE OLD USELESS ME.

- OH, PLEASE.
YOU WEREN'T EVEN TRYING.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU EVER PUT
YOUR MIND TO ANYTHING...

- WHY CAN'T THEY
JUST GET ALONG?

- ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS.

THEY WERE BOTH EXPOSED
TO EACH OTHER AS CHILDREN.

- COME IN.

- THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED.

- OH, SPEAKING
OF SOLDIER JUNK, DARIA,

GONE WITH THE WIND
IS ON TONIGHT.

WE SHOULD WATCH IT.

IT HAS THAT CIVIL WAR IN IT

YOU AND DAD
ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT

PLUS THIS REALLY BIG FIRE.

- FRANKLY, QUINN,
I DON'T GIVE A CRAP.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE
RIGHT NOW.

OH, AND DID I TELL YOU

YOUR HAIR DOESN'T LOOK
THAT BAD TODAY? BYE.

- I KNOW
SHE WANTS SOMETHING.

- SO UPDATE?

- OKAY.

MOM AND AUNT RITA
ARE ON THE BRINK

OF MUTUALLY ASSURED
DESTRUCTION,

QUINN'S OBVIOUSLY HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN,

AND DAD'S ON THE LAM.

- GEE, REMINDS ME
OF MY CHILDHOOD.

YOU HOLDING UP OKAY?

- WELL, MUCH AS I COULDN'T CARE
LESS ABOUT ERIN,

I CAN'T SAY MY 24-YEAR-OLD
COUSIN'S NEAR DIVORCE

HAS LEFT ME EXACTLY OPTIMISTIC
ABOUT LIFE'S POSSIBILITIES.

- SO THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL

WITH THAT GUY
YOU'VE BEEN SEEING?

- HUH?
THAT'S GOING FINE,

EXCEPT HE WON'T STOP
DROPPING BY

DURING THIS MULTIGENERATIONAL
FAMILY CRISIS.

HE REFUSES TO ACCEPT THE FACT

THAT I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR HIM NOW.

- HMM, MAYBE HE'S TRYING
TO OFFER HIS TIME TO YOU.

- HUH. MAYBE.

- COME ON; LET'S SEE
HOW GOES THE BATTLE.

- EVEN IF I DID HAVE A JOB,

I'M SURE IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY
MEET WITH YOUR APPROVAL.

- I GUESS WE'LL NEVER
FIND THAT OUT, WILL WE?

- AH, ANOTHER KODAK MOMENT
WITH THE BARKSDALES.

- AMY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, I THOUGHT I'D DRIVE
A FEW HOURS, DROP BY,

AND SEE IF YOU GUYS WERE HAVING
THE SAME FIGHT

YOU'VE BEEN HAVING FOR 40 YEARS.

- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

YOU SPENT THE WHOLE TIME
BARRICADED IN YOUR ROOM,

READING
THOSE WEIRD RUSSIAN NOVELS.

- IT WAS BETTER THAN GETTING
CAUGHT IN THE NONSTOP CROSSFIRE.

- OH, PLEASE.

YOU JUST USED US AS AN EXCUSE

TO AVOID ANY FAMILY
RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER

SO YOU COULD DO
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU PLEASED.

- AT LEAST I DIDN'T NURSE
A CHILDHOOD GRUDGE

WELL INTO ADULTHOOD
BECAUSE RITA WAS MOM'S FAVORITE.

- I DID NOT!

- I WAS NOT.
- YOU ARE TOO.

- SHE'S RIGHT.
- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

- MAYBE MOM WOULD GET ALONG
BETTER WITH BOTH OF YOU

IF YOU EVER BOTHERED
TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL.

- UM, MOM...

- WHY SHOULD WE,
WHEN SHE'S NEVER OFFERED US

THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF
ENCOURAGEMENT OR APPRECIATION?

- THAT'S RIGHT!
- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

- ENCOURAGEMENT?

YOU WITH YOUR GRADES AND YOUR
EXTRA CREDIT AND YOUR AWARDS,

YOU DIDN'T MAKE US LOOK
LAZY ENOUGH.

YOU WANTED ENCOURAGEMENT
TO DO MORE?

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

- SHE'S GOT A POINT.

- SHE CAN LAUGH
IF SHE WANTS TO.

- OH, SO YOU THINK THAT...

- YOU'RE ALWAYS
PICKING ON ME.

- HEY!

GEE, RITA, ARE YOU EVER
GONNA GET A JOB?

WHY SHOULD I, HELEN, WHEN YOU
WON'T PAY ATTENTION TO MOTHER?

AND YOU, AMY,
WHO ASKED YOU?

- YEAH, YOU HAD A DANCE FLOOR
AT YOUR WEDDING!

- YOU'RE A SHOWOFF
AND A KNOW-IT-ALL.

- YOU JUST HIDE IN YOUR ROOM
LIKE A KERMIT.

- MOM LIKES YOU BETTER.

- THAT'S BECAUSE
I CALL HER BETTER.

- OH, RITA.
- HELEN.

- I'M SORRY.

- ME TOO.
OHH.

OHH.

- WHY ARE YOU HERE, AMY?

- DARIA ASKED ME
TO COME MEDIATE,

ALTHOUGH PERHAPS
THAT'S SOMETHING

SHE'S BETTER AT THAN I AM.

- OH, AMY.
- COME HERE.

- I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

- DID YOU DECIDE
ABOUT GONE WITH THE WIND?

- SO THEN, AFTER AUNT AMY
ARRIVED TO SAVE THE DAY

AND WITHIN THREE MINUTES,
IT TOTALLY REGRESSED

INTO THE SAME PRESCHOOL
ENCOUNTER GROUP AS HER SISTERS,

QUINN AND I HAD TO TAKE MATTERS
INTO OUR OWN HANDS.

- WOW, GROWING UP
IN A REPRESSED HOUSEHOLD

IS SO BORING
NEXT TO THIS STUFF.

WE ALWAYS HAVE TO PRETEND
PROBLEMS DON'T EXIST.

GETS PRETTY INCONVENIENT
WHEN THERE ARE ODORS INVOLVED.

- YES, AND SPEAKING OF
PRETENDING PROBLEMS DON'T EXIST,

SORRY FOR GIVING YOU THE SHORT
END OF THE STICK THIS WEEK.

- HEY, YOU WERE BUSY
REFEREEING.

I UNDERSTAND.

- ACTUALLY, I THINK MY COUSIN'S
LITTLE MARITAL CRISIS

MADE ME FEEL WEIRD ABOUT
THE BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND THING.

DOES THAT FREAK YOU OUT
AND SCARE YOU?

- NO, I GUESS
I COULD SEE THAT.

- THANKS.

- ANYWAY, WHAT ABOUT
A MOVIE TONIGHT?

- I CAN'T.

I PROMISED QUINN I'D WATCH
GONE WITH THE WIND WITH HER.

OKAY, THAT FREAKS ME OUT
AND SCARES ME.

- PRAY FOR ME.

- AS PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB,

I AM PUTTING YOU BOTH
ON SUSPENSION

FOR FAILING TO DO A WARDROBE
CHECK BEFORE LEAVING HOME

AND THUS APPEARING IN THE SAME
DRESS ON THE SAME DAY.

- BUT, SANDI,
YOU CAN'T SUSPEND ME.

IT'S NOT FAIR!

- MY DRESS... IT'S RUINED.

- OH, TIFFANY,
I AM SO SORRY.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

- SURE IT WAS, STACY.

SHE'LL NEVER GET
THAT GRAPE SODA OUT.

THIS CALLS FOR SEVERE
DISCIPLINARY ACTION.

- BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I SWEAR!

I'LL GIVE YOU MY DRESS
TO PROVE IT.

- YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME?

- OF COURSE.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

- OH, STACY.

OH, THAT WASN'T
A GOOD IDEA.

THAT MOVIE WAS SO SAD.

- I KNOW IT MADE ME FEEL
LIKE CRYING.

UM, QUINN, THERE'S SOMETHING
BOTHERING YOU

OTHER THAN THE SAGA

OF OUR FAIR NATION
BEING TORN APART, ISN'T THERE?

- NO.

- I ONLY ASK
BECAUSE I FINALLY REALIZED

ALL THAT STUFF
GOING ON HERE THIS WEEK

WAS MAKING ME ACT STRANGELY
TOWARD TOM,

SO MAYBE YOU'RE HAVING A SIMILAR
UNANTICIPATED REACTION,

SUCH AS, OH,
WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH ME?

HELLO.
OH, HI, DAD.

THE PIGEONS ARE AT REST.

- DARIA, YOU DON'T THINK
WE'LL END UP

HAVING THE SAME FIGHT
OVER AND OVER AGAIN

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES,

THE WAY MOM AND AUNT RITA DO,
DO YOU?

- NO, WE'LL USE WEAPONS.

- DON'T SAY THAT.

- I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

THE ONLY WEAPON
I'LL USE AGAINST YOU

WILL BE
MY WINNING PERSONALITY,

AND THE ONLY WEAPON
YOU'LL USE AGAINST ME

WILL BE YOUR MERCILESS
SILENT TREATMENT.

- SILENT TREATMENT?
I NEVER...

HAH. DEAL.

- "THE PIGEONS ARE AT REST."

THAT MEANS IT'S SAFE,
DOESN'T IT?

NO, "THE EAGLE HAS LANDED"
MEANS IT'S SAFE,

OR WAS THAT A CONDOR?

DAMN IT, I CAN'T SLEEP IN HERE
AGAIN TONIGHT!

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ LA-LA, LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA ♪

♪ ♪