Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 8 - One J at a Time - full transcript
Quinn has decided she needs a steady boyfriend, and the winnowing process could take years.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- SO THIS NEW
FASHIONVISION SERIES,
BEHIND THE UNTOLD STORY
OF THE SUPERMODELS,
REVEALS WHAT THE SUPERMODELS'
LIVES WERE LIKE
WHEN THEY WERE
JUST PLAIN MODELS.
- THAI PEANUT SAUCE A LA JAKE
IS COMPLETE-O.
WHO WANTS THE FIRST BITE?
- YOU PICK, MOM.
IT'LL BE LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE.
- THIS IS A WHOLE
DIFFERENT RECIPE
FROM THE LAST BATCH.
- I HOPE SO.
IT TOOK THREE DAYS TO GET
THE SMELL OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- EXPERIMENT
WITH A LITTLE WASABI,
AND THE WHOLE WORLD'S A CRITIC.
DAMN IT, HELEN,
YOU CAN'T MAKE AN OMELET
WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW EGGS.
- CAN I HAVE AN OMELET?
- NO.
- HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS TO BREAK?
- ANYWAY, THEY WERE
JUST ABOUT TO SHOW
VERONIQUE'S MAKEUP BAG
FROM HIGH SCHOOL
WHEN THE DELIVERY GUY
RANG THE DOORBELL
WITH DARIA'S PACKAGE.
WHAT IS WITH
THOSE BROWN UNIFORMS?
- UM, THIS PACKAGE,
DID IT RUN AWAY BY ITSELF
OR HOP A LONESOME
FREIGHT TRAIN WEST?
- IT'S IN THE LIVING ROOM
SOMEWHERE.
NOW I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND OUT
WHAT WAS IN THAT MAKEUP BAG.
- COME ON.
WHY ISN'T ANYONE DIGGING IN?
IT'S MMM-MMM GOOD.
[gagging]
- EWW!
DAD'S SICK.
- [sighs]
I'LL HEAT UP SOME LASAGNA
WHILE YOU THROW THAT OUT.
- DAMN FOREIGN LANGUAGE
COOKBOOKS.
- AND NOT IN THE SINK.
I DON'T WANT IT
EATING THROUGH THE PIPES.
- I WORK ALL DAY,
AND I COME HOME...
- WHAT IS THAT?
- MY PEOPLE CALL THEM BOOKS.
HUH, A FIRST EDITION.
TOM MUST HAVE FOUND IT
ON THE WEB.
- OH, HOW SWEET.
- HE BOUGHT YOU A USED BOOK?
WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND IS HE?
- A BOYFRIEND WHO CARES ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT
TO DARIA.
- NOW I'M SICK.
- WELL, LOTS OF GUYS CARE
ABOUT ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE
WOULD SETTLE FOR JUST ONE.
- QUINN, IT'S A SPECIAL THING
TO FIND SOMEONE SO COMPATIBLE
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM
EXCLUSIVELY.
HAVING A STEADY BOYFRIEND
TAKES MATURITY AND PERSPECTIVE.
- I'M MATURE.
- AND YOU HAVE THE TEDDY BEAR
EARRINGS TO PROVE IT.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
DAD AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO REALLY GET TO KNOW TOM.
WHY DON'T YOU INVITE HIM
OVER FOR DINNER?
- BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TAKEN
COMPLETE LEAVE OF MY SENSES.
- CAN I BRING A BOYFRIEND TOO?
- IF AND WHEN YOU GET
A STEADY BOYFRIEND, QUINN,
WE'D LOVE TO HIM FOR DINNER.
- DO WE HAVE TO DIP HIM
IN THAT PEANUT SAUCE
BEFORE WE EAT HIM?
- HEY.
- WHAT NIGHT IS GOOD
FOR TOM TO COME OVER?
- HMM.
ANYTIME AFTER ARMAGEDDON
IS FINE.
- I SLAVE OVER A HOT STOVE
ALL DAY, AND FOR WHAT?
- IT'S TO KEEP HIM
OFF THE STREETS, RIGHT?
- MAYBE IF I USE LESS CHILI OIL.
HEY!
DAMN SKATE PUNKS
ARE TEARING UP THE STREETS.
TODAY IT'S TRASH CANS,
TOMORROW MAILBOXES,
AND THEN...
YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS!
- SO YOUR MOTHER
ACTUALLY GOT AROUND
TO INVITING TOM OVER
FOR DINNER.
- I KNOW.
SOME WORKAHOLIC.
- RELAX.
GET YOUR FATHER STARTED
ON MILITARY SCHOOL,
AND THE EVENING WILL BE OVER
BEFORE IT BEGINS.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- WHAT?
THAT HE'LL EMBARRASS YOU?
THAT'S WHAT PARENTS ARE FOR.
- IT'S MORE
THAT HE'LL PROVIDE TOM
WITH A FESTIVE NIGHT
OF SUBTLE MOCKERY.
MY DAD DESERVES BETTER
THAN THAT... SORT OF.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GIVING TOM ENOUGH CREDIT.
HE NEVER ONCE SAID AN UNKIND
WORD TO MY PARENTS.
- HE NEVER MET YOUR PARENTS.
- OH, YEAH.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU CAN GET YOUR FATHER
TO GO OFF TO GREECE
FOR SIX MONTHS
TO SKETCH THE SUNSET.
- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE DAD'LL BE RELATIVELY CALM
AND TOM WILL BITE HIS TONGUE
AND A GOOD TIME
WILL BE HAD BY ALL.
- YOU'RE GONNA FORGET
TO TELL TOM ABOUT THIS
AND HOPE THE WHOLE THING
GOES AWAY.
- I'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN.
- QUINN HAS REQUESTED
THIS EMERGENCY MEETING
OF THE FASHION CLUB TO MAKE
A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
- I KNEW CAMOUFLAGE
WOULD COME BACK.
I KNEW IT!
- IT'S NOT CAMOUFLAGE, STACY.
I'VE, UM, DECIDED TO GET
A STEADY BOYFRIEND.
- QUINN, IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA
OF A JOKE,
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK UP
THE WORD "HUH"
IN THE DICTIONARY.
- SANDI, I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S A SPECIAL THING
TO FIND SOMEONE SO EXCLUSIVE
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM COMPATIBLY.
- YOU MEAN YOU'RE ONLY GONNA
DATE ONE GUY FROM NOW ON
AND NOT ANY OTHER GUYS?
- BUT, QUINN, THINK
OF WHAT YOU'LL BE MISSING,
ALL THE GIFTS AND CASH PRIZES.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
I THINK IT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
- UM, ME TOO.
- GREAT IDEA.
- WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY?
- GEE, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT.
- WELL, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT
DECISION, QUINN,
NOT ONE TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.
HOW ABOUT CRAIG?
HIS PARENTS PUT IN A POOL.
- BUT HE JUST GOT
THAT BAD HAIRCUT.
EWW.
- OH, RIGHT.
HMM.
MARK WOULD LOOK REALLY GOOD
WITH YOU.
- BUT HE'S COLOR-BLIND.
HE COULD PICK OUT
THE WRONG SCARF FOR ME
OR SOMETHING.
- I KNOW.
LET'S MAKE A LIST
OF QUALIFICATIONS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE HE HAS TO BE
AT LEAST 3 INCHES TALLER
THAN YOU
AND DRIVE A CAR
WITH A LEATHER INTERIOR.
- NO MOLES.
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
YOU GUYS ARE SO CARING.
- THAT'S OUR JOB, QUINN,
TO CARE.
AND YOUR JOB IS TO PICK
A BOYFRIEND BEFORE THE WEEKEND
SO WE CAN CONFIRM OUR SCHEDULES.
- UH, I GUESS I'D BETTER
GET TO WORK.
- GEE, MAYBE WE SHOULD
ALL GET BOYFRIENDS.
- WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
WITH QUINN GONE,
THERE WILL BE MORE GUYS
FOR THE REST OF US.
- SANDI HELPED ME BREAK MY LIST
INTO THREE CATEGORIES:
LOOKS, POPULARITY,
AND HOW WELL HIS HAIR
MATCHES MY CLOTHES.
- YOU KNOW, QUINN,
LOOKS AND POPULARITY
AREN'T REALLY WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- THEN WHAT IS?
- THE ABILITY
TO FIX MAJOR APPLIANCES.
- HMM, YES.
I CAN SEE THAT.
- WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
IS THAT YOU FIND
SOMEONE YOU ENJOY BEING WITH.
- YOU MEAN LIKE
HOW I ENJOYED KYLE
TAKING ME TO LE EATS
LAST NIGHT?
- I MEAN SOMEONE
YOU CAN GET ALONG WITH
FOR MORE THAN ONE EVENING,
WHO CAN SHARE
YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS,
YOUR TRIUMPHS
AND DISAPPOINTMENTS,
SOMEONE YOU LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING DAY AFTER DAY,
WEEK AFTER WEEK,
MONTH AFTER MONTH,
YEAR AFTER YEAR,
THE SAME OLD COMPLAINTS
ABOUT HIS UNCARING FATHER.
GOD, IS HE EVER GOING
TO GET OVER IT?
- M-UH-OM!
THAT'S SO BORING.
- UM, NOT AT ALL.
THAT'S COMPATIBILITY.
- I THINK I'LL FINISH THIS
UPSTAIRS.
MOVING ON TO COMPATIBILITY.
WHAT COLOR OF JACKET
WOULD YOU WEAR
TO MATCH MY MAUVE SANDALS?
- UM, LEATHER?
- CAN YOU FIX MAJOR APPLIANCES?
- I SET THE CLOCK
ON MY VCR ONCE.
- IF I WAS STRANDED
ON A DESERTED ISLAND,
WHAT IS THE ONE ITEM
YOU'D BRING ME?
- A BOAT...
WITH FLARES AND LIFEBOATS
AND THE COAST GUARD AND...
AND THE NAVY.
- WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS SUNSCREEN.
- WOW, TEN INTERVIEWS
IN TEN MINUTES.
SHE REALLY SHOULD
CONSIDER A CAREER
IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM.
- TONIGHT ON 60 SECONDS...
- DAMN YOU, KIDS!
I'M GOING TO SET UP ONE OF THOSE
HIDDEN SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS!
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE YELLED
THAT LAST PART OUT.
- [chittering]
- YAAH!
YOU'RE NO KID, DAMN IT!
- ANDY HAS THE BEST SHOULDERS,
BUT PETER HAS A BETTER JAWLINE.
- YEAH, I AGREE.
- QUINN, THE WEEKEND
IS ALMOST UPON US,
AND YOU HAVE YET TO CHOOSE
YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- SANDI, I KNOW.
I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN,
BUT I JUST CAN'T DECIDE,
BECAUSE WHAT IF THE ONE
I THINK IS THE RIGHT ONE
TURNS OUT TO BE THE WRONG ONE
AND THE WRONG ONE
IS THE RIGHT ONE
OR ONE OF THE RIGHT ONES?
- THIS IS THE HARDEST
AND MOST IMPORTANT DECISION
YOU'LL EVER HAVE TO MAKE.
- I KNOW.
STACY, DO YOU STILL HAVE
THAT MAGIC 8-BALL?
- HEY, QUINN,
DID YOU PICK A BOYFRIEND YET?
- IS IT ONE OF US?
- LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, ME?
- WELL, UH...
- COME ON, QUINN.
DON'T KEEP YOUR FUTURE
BOYFRIEND WAITING.
- OKAY, OKAY.
I'VE DECIDED THAT
MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE...
EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MOE,
CATCH A BOYFRIEND BY THE TOE.
MY MOTHER SAID TO PICK THIS ONE.
JAMIE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- [groans]
- [groans]
- HEY, GUYS.
- QUINN.
QUINN, THERE GOES
YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- SO?
- SO HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.
RUN TO HIM, QUINN.
- OH, YEAH.
HEY!
JAMIE, YOU IDIOT!
- OKAY, LET'S DIVIDE UP
ALL OF THE GUYS AT SCHOOL.
I'VE DEVISED A DRAFT SYSTEM
SIMILAR TO THAT USED
BY THE WNBA.
[alternative music]
♪ ♪
- DARIA, LET'S PICK A NIGHT
FOR TOM TO COME OVER.
HOW'S FRIDAY?
- SORRY.
NO GOOD.
IT'S THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT
SATURDAY, THEN?
- I'LL BE GEARING UP FOR SUNDAY.
- DARIA, IS THERE SOME REASON
YOU DON'T WANT
TO INVITE TOM OVER?
- DAMN SQUIRRELS ARE NOTHING
BUT RATS WITH FLUFFY TAILS!
WELL, TO CATCH A RAT,
YOU GOT TO THINK LIKE A RAT.
WHERE'S THE CHEESE?
- MOM, DAD, IT'S OFFICIAL.
JAMIE IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
THEREFORE, I WILL NO LONGER
BE ACCEPTING
UNSOLICITED CALLS
FROM OTHER BOYS.
- GIVE ME CHEESE.
I WANT CHEESE.
- UM, DAD, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR HEART AND WHATNOT?
- I DON'T HAVE A HEART.
I'M A FLUFFY RAT.
[laughs]
- DARIA...
[cell phone rings]
HELLO.
REALLY?
SUING UNICEF?
ERIC, IS THAT A GOOD MOVE,
PUBLIC RELATIONS-WISE?
WELL, YES,
IT IS A LOT OF PENNIES.
- IT WAS A VERY
DIFFICULT DECISION,
I MEAN, PICKING JAMIE
FOR MY BOYFRIEND.
MUCH CONTEMPLATION
WAS INVOLVED.
- IF HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND,
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WITH HIM?
YOU SHOULD BE TOGETHER
ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S WHAT GIRLFRIENDS DO,
YOU KNOW.
- WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS WITH TOM.
- BUT WE DON'T GO
TO THE SAME SCHOOL.
IF WE DID, WE'D BE TOGETHER
BEFORE SCHOOL, AFTER SCHOOL,
IN BETWEEN MEALS
AND AFTER SNACKS,
AND THEN ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT.
- BUT...
- IN FACT, YOU SHOULD BE
WITH JAMIE RIGHT NOW,
UNLESS YOU WANT
TO CAUSE PROBLEMS
THIS EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
- [sighs]
A GIRLFRIEND'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
- WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA SUE
THE BASTARDS,
I SAY GET 'EM
RIGHT AFTER HALLOWEEN
WHEN THEY'RE FLUSH.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- [groaning]
GOD! DAAAH!
DAMN IT!
YAAAH!
- YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S BEHAVIOR.
- LOOK, I UNDERSTAND HIM.
- REALLY?
- BUT HE MIGHT BE
A LITTLE OFF-PUTTING
TO SOMEONE WHO'S NOT, UM,
BLOOD RELATED.
THEY MIGHT NOT
APPRECIATE HIS, UM,
ENERGETIC REACTIONS
TO CERTAIN STIMULI.
- STIMULI?
WHAT STIMULI?
- OH, YOU KNOW,
EVERYTHING.
- [sighs]
DARIA, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL HAVE A TALK WITH
YOUR FATHER ABOUT HIS CONDUCT.
YOU CALL TOM ABOUT DINNER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- DIDN'T OUR DEALS
USED TO INVOLVE CASH?
- NOW, ACCORDING TO WAIF,
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART
OF COMMUNICATING IS LISTENING.
- YEAH, NOBODY EVER LISTENS
WHEN I...
- OH, LOOK, A QUIZ ON WHAT
YOUR EYE SHADOW SAYS ABOUT YOU.
MY FAVORITE SHADE IS:
"A", BLUE, "B," UMBER...
STACY SAYS THOSE HIPPIE PEOPLE
IN THE '60s
DIDN'T EVEN WEAR EYE SHADOW.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
I SAID, "WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?"
- UM, I KNOW?
- CREAM SHADOWS
CAN GET STUCK IN CREASES,
NOT THAT I HAVE ANY CREASES,
BUT I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN
TO OTHER PEOPLE.
DO YOU PREFER
THE GLITZY LOOK OF CREAMS,
OR THE MORE NATURAL LOOK
OF PRESSED POWDERS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
JAMIE?
JAMIE, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING
TO ME.
- OF COURSE I AM.
UM, CREASES SUCK.
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING.
YOU DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND
OF EYE SHADOW I WEAR.
- QUINN, I'M SORRY.
- FORGET IT.
IT'S OVER.
- QUINN, COME BACK.
- I'VE GOT YOU NOW, FLUFF RAT!
OH, MR. WHISKERS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE,
YOU SILLY KITTY?
YOU SHOULD BE NEXT DOOR
IN YOUR COZY, WARM...
- [meows]
- DAAAAH!
DAMN IT!
- MEET THE FLY-FISHING
PATHOLOGIST
WHO USES HUMAN ORGANS AS BAIT.
A LIVER RUNS THROUGH IT,
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- IF JAMIE CALLS,
I'M NOT SPEAKING TO HIM.
- HOW ABOUT IF HE DOESN'T?
- MY NEW BOYFRIEND IS JOEY,
SO PUT HIM THROUGH IMMEDIATELY.
- HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE WATCHING
YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND
AT FOOTBALL PRACTICE RIGHT NOW?
- IT'S TOO HUMID.
MY HAIR MIGHT FRIZZ.
- BRITTANY'S THERE
SUPPORTING KEVIN.
SHE'S GOT HAIR.
- SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.
SHE HAS TO GO.
- I'M NOT A CHEERLEADER,
AND I GO TO ALL
OF TOM'S LUGE RACES.
I GUESS YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THOSE
UNSUPPORTIVE GIRLFRIENDS.
- MAYBE THEY'LL HAVE
SOME FRIZZ-PROOF CONDITIONER
AT THE DRUGSTORE.
- JAKE, DEAR.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SUNDAY NIGHT.
TOM'S COMING OVER, AND IT WOULD
MEAN A LOT TO DARIA
IF WE WERE BOTH
ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
- THE CHEESE DIDN'T WORK.
DO SQUIRRELS LIKE SALAMI?
- JAKE, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I WANT YOU TO GIVE
THIS SQUIRREL HUNT A REST
WHILE TOM'S HERE.
- OH, UM, SURE.
YOU CAN COUNT ON OLD JAKEY.
- THANK YOU, HONEY.
- BESIDES, BY THE TIME
TOM GETS HERE,
I'LL BE WEARING
A SQUIRREL-SKIN CAP ON MY HEAD
AND DANCING A VICTORY JIG.
- [sighs]
- I WONDER IF HE'D GO
FOR BACON BITS.
- I REALLY MISS YOU TOO, STACY.
IT'S SO HARD TO SEE YOUR FRIENDS
AND GO SHOPPING AND STUFF
WHEN YOU'RE FORCED TO BE WITH...
WHEN YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
OF COURSE, COMMITMENT
IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
- HELLO, BELLEVUE?
- SANDI'S BEEN DATING KYLE?
BUT I THOUGHT KYLE LIKED ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW, BOYFRIEND,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING TONIGHT?
- THE USUAL.
CAST A FEW SPELLS,
THEN A QUICK BROOMSTICK RIDE
BEFORE BED.
- BUT I LOVE GUYS 2 GUYS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JOEY'S NOT
TAKING ME TO THAT CONCERT.
[doorbell rings]
THERE HE IS.
GOTTA GO.
- HI, QUINN!
- UM, CHANGE OF PLANS.
YOU'RE TAKING ME
TO THE GUYS 2 GUYS CONCERT.
- BUT YOU SAID YOU WANTED
TO GO TO MARGE LA CUISINE!
TONIGHT'S THEIR OPEN...
- FORGET WHAT I SAID.
I WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT.
- BUT, QUINN, IT'S SOLD OUT.
- FINE!
IF YOU WON'T TAKE ME,
THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE!
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
UNSUPPORTIVE BOYFRIENDS!
- BUT, QUINN!
- FORGET IT!
IT'S TOO LATE!
IT'S OVER!
- QUINN, WAIT!
- WOW.
A WHOLE DAY.
AT LEAST YOU'LL HAVE
THE MEMORIES.
- I GIVE UP.
THIS BOYFRIEND STUFF
IS TOO TIME-CONSUMING.
- DARIA, I, UM,
SPOKE TO YOUR FATHER.
WE'RE ALL SET FOR SUNDAY NIGHT.
AND, QUINN, WHY DON'T YOU INVITE
YOUR BOYFRIEND TOO?
- UM, MY BOYFRIEND?
- WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE
IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP.
IT SHOWS A LOT
OF PERSONAL GROWTH.
- OH, OKAY, I'LL INVITE HIM.
AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT
WHO HE IS.
[laid-back electronic music]
♪ ♪
- JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF
THAT SOMEDAY YOU'LL LOOK BACK
ON TONIGHT AND LAUGH.
- ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY SAID
TO LINCOLN?
- TOM, I...
- DARIA, I DON'T MIND.
REALLY.
IT'LL BE INTERESTING
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FOLKS.
- SPEAKING OF INTERESTING,
MY FATHER CAN BE A LITTLE...
ECCENTRIC.
- SO I'VE HEARD.
- FROM WHO?
- YOU.
- OH, YEAH.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T
INTENTIONALLY SAY ANYTHING
TO UPSET HIM.
IT'S JUST THAT HE'S KIND OF,
UM, SENSITIVE.
- SO NO BRIGHT LIGHTS
OR LOUD NOISES?
- TOM.
- DON'T WORRY.
I WANT HIM TO LIKE ME TOO,
YOU KNOW.
- AHEM.
EXCUSE ME.
MY NEW SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, JEFFY,
WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE,
AND I'D LIKE IT IF YOU TWO
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO EMBARRASS ME.
- I GUESS THE BEAR SUITS
ARE OUT.
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND JEFFY
BEEN A COUPLE?
- IT'S NOT THE QUANTITY
OF TIME;
IT'S THE QUALITY.
- YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT
NEGLECTFUL MOTHER ONE DAY.
SPEAKING OF SERIOUS,
THANKS FOR GETTING US
THOSE ADJOINING CEMETERY PLOTS.
NOW I KNOW YOU CARE.
- OH, MY PLEASURE.
- THAT'S GROSS!
- NO, THAT'S COMMITMENT.
RIGHT, SNOOKLES?
- OH, YOU!
- SNOOKLES?
[doorbell rings]
- HI, JEFFY!
I MEAN, UH, JEFFY LUBE.
- UM, HEY, QUINN.
- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT OUR CEMETERY PLOTS,
BUT NOT NOW.
- WE'RE SO GLAD
YOU TWO CAME OVER.
- THANKS FOR INVITING US,
MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- UM, YEAH.
- NO PROBLEMO.
IT'S GREAT TO HAVE SOME MEN
AROUND THE HOUSE.
THIS PLACE COULD DO
WITH A LITTLE SCRATCHING
AND SWEATING NOW AND THEN,
RIGHT, GUYS?
- [clears throat]
- HUH?
- SO, WHAT'S NEW,
MR. MORGENDORFFER?
- NOT TOO MUCH, TOM, MY MAN.
NOT TOO MUCH.
EXCEPT THERE'S THIS SQUIRREL.
HE'S BEEN TERRORIZING
THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
DIGGING UP YARDS
AND KNOCKING OVER TRASH CANS
WITH A SINGLE FLIP
OF HIS TAIL.
- JAKE, REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
- BUT HE ASKED.
- I'M WITH YOU,
MR. MORGENDORFFER.
SOME SQUIRRELS GOT
INTO OUR CELLAR LAST WINTER
AND ATE UP ALL THE WHEAT THINS.
- TOM.
- WHAT? THEY DID.
- JEFFY, WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE
SUBJECTS IN SCHOOL?
- I CAUGHT A SQUIRREL ONCE.
- JEFFY!
- YOU DID?
HOW?
- THEY REALLY LIKE
PEANUT BUTTER.
- PEANUT BUTTER.
YEAH!
I BET THAI PEANUT SAUCE
WOULD WORK GREAT!
AND I WHIPPED UP A NEW BATCH
JUST LAST NIGHT.
- JAKE, YOU DIDN'T!
- I SMELLED SOMETHING
AT BREAKFAST,
BUT I JUST THOUGHT
A NEIGHBOR HAD DIED.
[cell phone rings]
- JAKE, YOU PROMISED YOU'D...
HELLO, ERIC.
THIS IS A BAD TIME.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY...
YES, OF COURSE I KNEW
UNICEF'S A CHARITY.
NO, IT'S UNIROYAL
THAT MAKES THE TIRES.
- HEY JEFFY.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME
SET UP THE TRAP?
- SURE!
- JEFFY!
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT,
OUR COMMITMENT
TO COMPATIBLE EXCLUSIVITY,
OR SOME STUPID SQUIRREL?
- LOOK, THERE IT IS!
- LET'S GO!
- TOM?
- JEFFY!
- I GUESS THAT ANSWERS
THE "WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT"
QUESTION.
WELL, THINGS HAVE TURNED OUT
EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN...
- AUGH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE JEFFY
JUST DESERTED ME LIKE THAT.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
I'LL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
LIKE YOU AND TOM.
I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE.
- HMM.
DO I DO THE SISTERLY THING
AND CONSOLE HER?
OH, LOOK.
ROLLS.
- ALL RIGHT, ERIC, YOU KEEP
WORKING ON THE APOLOGY.
I'LL DRAFT A PRESS RELEASE
WITH A LIST
OF CHILDREN'S CHARITIES
WE HAVEN'T SUED.
BYE.
OH, MY.
WHERE IS EVERYONE?
- DAD, TOM, AND JEFFY
ARE OUTSIDE TRYING TO CATCH
A SQUIRREL,
AND QUINN'S IN HER ROOM CRYING.
- WHY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
- MALE BONDING, I GUESS.
- I MEAN WITH QUINN.
- OH.
SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT FAILING
AT RELATIONSHIPS.
- WHAT, JUST BECAUSE JEFFY
JOINED YOUR FATHER
ON SOME RIDICULOUS
SQUIRREL CHASE,
SHE THINKS HER RELATIONSHIP
IS OVER?
- WELL, SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD
SLIGHTLY UNREALISTIC
EXPECTATIONS
ABOUT WHAT HAVING
A BOYFRIEND ENTAILS.
- UH-HUH.
AND JUST WHAT WOULD SOME
OF THESE EXPECTATIONS BE?
- YOU KNOW, BEING TOGETHER
24 HOURS A DAY,
HANGING ON EACH OTHER'S
EVERY WORD,
HIS-AND-HERS CEMETERY PLOTS.
- DARIA, HOW COULD YOU MISLEAD
YOUR SISTER LIKE THAT?
- MOTHER,
HOW COULD I NOT?
- WHOO-HOO!
- YEAH, ALL RIGHT!
- HA HA!
- WHOO!
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
I FINALLY GET UP THE NERVE
TO INVITE TOM
FOR A FAMILY DINNER,
AND EVERYONE LEAVES ME,
CONFIRMING MY DEEPEST FEARS
ABOUT ABANDONMENT AND ISOLATION.
OH, LOOK, SHOESTRING POTATOES.
- QUINN, DARIA SAID
YOU WERE UPSET.
- OF COURSE I'M UPSET.
I TRIED AND I TRIED TO GET
THIS BOYFRIEND THING RIGHT,
AND I JUST COULDN'T!
I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M GONNA BE
BURIED WITH.
MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.
- MAYBE YOU'RE NOT READY
FOR A STEADY BOYFRIEND JUST YET.
- OKAY.
I ADMIT YOU WERE RIGHT.
I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH
TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
- ME?
I NEVER SAID YOU WEREN'T
MATURE ENOUGH FOR A BOYFRIEND.
- BUT YOU SAID DARIA
WAS REALLY MATURE
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
SO IF I'M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP,
THAT MAKES ME UN-MATURE...
OR "IM-"?
- QUINN, HAVING A BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ANY MORE OR LESS GROWN UP.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS TO DO
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
DATING TOM EXCLUSIVELY
MAKES DARIA HAPPY.
IF DATING A LOT OF DIFFERENT
BOYS MAKES YOU HAPPY,
THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
- SO, IT'S ALL RIGHT NOT TO HAVE
A STEADY BOYFRIEND?
- OF COURSE IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY!
I'M GOING TO GO DUMP JEFFY NOW.
- [together]
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
- I LOVE THIS SONG!
THINK WE'RE FAR ENOUGH
OUT OF TOWN, FELLAS?
- LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
- GOOD-BYE, LITTLE FELLA.
IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL.
- BOY, THIS WOULD BE
A GREAT PLACE
TO PLAY PAINTBALL.
- OR GO CAMPING.
- OR BUILD A FORT!
- HEY, MY DAD USED TO TAKE US
TO A GO-KART TRACK
RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD FROM HERE.
- NO WAY!
- ALL RIGHT!
- WHERE IS EVERYONE?
- APPARENTLY,
IT TAKES THREE PEOPLE
TO RETURN A SQUIRREL
TO ITS NATURAL HABITAT.
- TOM WENT TOO?
- I GUESS PART OF ME ALWAYS KNEW
THAT SOMEDAY HE'D RETURN
TO THE WILD.
- DARIA, DO YOU EVER THINK
MAYBE GUYS AND GIRLS
AREN'T MEANT
TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?
LIKE IT'S ALL SOME BIG
UNFUNNY JOKE ON US
WE'LL BE STRUGGLING WITH
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
OH, LOOK, CELERY STALKS.
- YOU'RE MINE NOW,
MR. MORGENDORFFER!
- SAY YOUR PRAYERS, JEFFY LUBE.
- WAHOO!
YEAH!
[electronic dance music]
♪ ♪
- SO THIS NEW
FASHIONVISION SERIES,
BEHIND THE UNTOLD STORY
OF THE SUPERMODELS,
REVEALS WHAT THE SUPERMODELS'
LIVES WERE LIKE
WHEN THEY WERE
JUST PLAIN MODELS.
- THAI PEANUT SAUCE A LA JAKE
IS COMPLETE-O.
WHO WANTS THE FIRST BITE?
- YOU PICK, MOM.
IT'LL BE LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE.
- THIS IS A WHOLE
DIFFERENT RECIPE
FROM THE LAST BATCH.
- I HOPE SO.
IT TOOK THREE DAYS TO GET
THE SMELL OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- EXPERIMENT
WITH A LITTLE WASABI,
AND THE WHOLE WORLD'S A CRITIC.
DAMN IT, HELEN,
YOU CAN'T MAKE AN OMELET
WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW EGGS.
- CAN I HAVE AN OMELET?
- NO.
- HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS TO BREAK?
- ANYWAY, THEY WERE
JUST ABOUT TO SHOW
VERONIQUE'S MAKEUP BAG
FROM HIGH SCHOOL
WHEN THE DELIVERY GUY
RANG THE DOORBELL
WITH DARIA'S PACKAGE.
WHAT IS WITH
THOSE BROWN UNIFORMS?
- UM, THIS PACKAGE,
DID IT RUN AWAY BY ITSELF
OR HOP A LONESOME
FREIGHT TRAIN WEST?
- IT'S IN THE LIVING ROOM
SOMEWHERE.
NOW I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND OUT
WHAT WAS IN THAT MAKEUP BAG.
- COME ON.
WHY ISN'T ANYONE DIGGING IN?
IT'S MMM-MMM GOOD.
[gagging]
- EWW!
DAD'S SICK.
- [sighs]
I'LL HEAT UP SOME LASAGNA
WHILE YOU THROW THAT OUT.
- DAMN FOREIGN LANGUAGE
COOKBOOKS.
- AND NOT IN THE SINK.
I DON'T WANT IT
EATING THROUGH THE PIPES.
- I WORK ALL DAY,
AND I COME HOME...
- WHAT IS THAT?
- MY PEOPLE CALL THEM BOOKS.
HUH, A FIRST EDITION.
TOM MUST HAVE FOUND IT
ON THE WEB.
- OH, HOW SWEET.
- HE BOUGHT YOU A USED BOOK?
WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND IS HE?
- A BOYFRIEND WHO CARES ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT
TO DARIA.
- NOW I'M SICK.
- WELL, LOTS OF GUYS CARE
ABOUT ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE
WOULD SETTLE FOR JUST ONE.
- QUINN, IT'S A SPECIAL THING
TO FIND SOMEONE SO COMPATIBLE
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM
EXCLUSIVELY.
HAVING A STEADY BOYFRIEND
TAKES MATURITY AND PERSPECTIVE.
- I'M MATURE.
- AND YOU HAVE THE TEDDY BEAR
EARRINGS TO PROVE IT.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
DAD AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO REALLY GET TO KNOW TOM.
WHY DON'T YOU INVITE HIM
OVER FOR DINNER?
- BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TAKEN
COMPLETE LEAVE OF MY SENSES.
- CAN I BRING A BOYFRIEND TOO?
- IF AND WHEN YOU GET
A STEADY BOYFRIEND, QUINN,
WE'D LOVE TO HIM FOR DINNER.
- DO WE HAVE TO DIP HIM
IN THAT PEANUT SAUCE
BEFORE WE EAT HIM?
- HEY.
- WHAT NIGHT IS GOOD
FOR TOM TO COME OVER?
- HMM.
ANYTIME AFTER ARMAGEDDON
IS FINE.
- I SLAVE OVER A HOT STOVE
ALL DAY, AND FOR WHAT?
- IT'S TO KEEP HIM
OFF THE STREETS, RIGHT?
- MAYBE IF I USE LESS CHILI OIL.
HEY!
DAMN SKATE PUNKS
ARE TEARING UP THE STREETS.
TODAY IT'S TRASH CANS,
TOMORROW MAILBOXES,
AND THEN...
YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS!
- SO YOUR MOTHER
ACTUALLY GOT AROUND
TO INVITING TOM OVER
FOR DINNER.
- I KNOW.
SOME WORKAHOLIC.
- RELAX.
GET YOUR FATHER STARTED
ON MILITARY SCHOOL,
AND THE EVENING WILL BE OVER
BEFORE IT BEGINS.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- WHAT?
THAT HE'LL EMBARRASS YOU?
THAT'S WHAT PARENTS ARE FOR.
- IT'S MORE
THAT HE'LL PROVIDE TOM
WITH A FESTIVE NIGHT
OF SUBTLE MOCKERY.
MY DAD DESERVES BETTER
THAN THAT... SORT OF.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GIVING TOM ENOUGH CREDIT.
HE NEVER ONCE SAID AN UNKIND
WORD TO MY PARENTS.
- HE NEVER MET YOUR PARENTS.
- OH, YEAH.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU CAN GET YOUR FATHER
TO GO OFF TO GREECE
FOR SIX MONTHS
TO SKETCH THE SUNSET.
- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE DAD'LL BE RELATIVELY CALM
AND TOM WILL BITE HIS TONGUE
AND A GOOD TIME
WILL BE HAD BY ALL.
- YOU'RE GONNA FORGET
TO TELL TOM ABOUT THIS
AND HOPE THE WHOLE THING
GOES AWAY.
- I'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN.
- QUINN HAS REQUESTED
THIS EMERGENCY MEETING
OF THE FASHION CLUB TO MAKE
A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
- I KNEW CAMOUFLAGE
WOULD COME BACK.
I KNEW IT!
- IT'S NOT CAMOUFLAGE, STACY.
I'VE, UM, DECIDED TO GET
A STEADY BOYFRIEND.
- QUINN, IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA
OF A JOKE,
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK UP
THE WORD "HUH"
IN THE DICTIONARY.
- SANDI, I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S A SPECIAL THING
TO FIND SOMEONE SO EXCLUSIVE
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM COMPATIBLY.
- YOU MEAN YOU'RE ONLY GONNA
DATE ONE GUY FROM NOW ON
AND NOT ANY OTHER GUYS?
- BUT, QUINN, THINK
OF WHAT YOU'LL BE MISSING,
ALL THE GIFTS AND CASH PRIZES.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
I THINK IT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
- UM, ME TOO.
- GREAT IDEA.
- WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY?
- GEE, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT.
- WELL, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT
DECISION, QUINN,
NOT ONE TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.
HOW ABOUT CRAIG?
HIS PARENTS PUT IN A POOL.
- BUT HE JUST GOT
THAT BAD HAIRCUT.
EWW.
- OH, RIGHT.
HMM.
MARK WOULD LOOK REALLY GOOD
WITH YOU.
- BUT HE'S COLOR-BLIND.
HE COULD PICK OUT
THE WRONG SCARF FOR ME
OR SOMETHING.
- I KNOW.
LET'S MAKE A LIST
OF QUALIFICATIONS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE HE HAS TO BE
AT LEAST 3 INCHES TALLER
THAN YOU
AND DRIVE A CAR
WITH A LEATHER INTERIOR.
- NO MOLES.
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
YOU GUYS ARE SO CARING.
- THAT'S OUR JOB, QUINN,
TO CARE.
AND YOUR JOB IS TO PICK
A BOYFRIEND BEFORE THE WEEKEND
SO WE CAN CONFIRM OUR SCHEDULES.
- UH, I GUESS I'D BETTER
GET TO WORK.
- GEE, MAYBE WE SHOULD
ALL GET BOYFRIENDS.
- WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
WITH QUINN GONE,
THERE WILL BE MORE GUYS
FOR THE REST OF US.
- SANDI HELPED ME BREAK MY LIST
INTO THREE CATEGORIES:
LOOKS, POPULARITY,
AND HOW WELL HIS HAIR
MATCHES MY CLOTHES.
- YOU KNOW, QUINN,
LOOKS AND POPULARITY
AREN'T REALLY WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- THEN WHAT IS?
- THE ABILITY
TO FIX MAJOR APPLIANCES.
- HMM, YES.
I CAN SEE THAT.
- WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
IS THAT YOU FIND
SOMEONE YOU ENJOY BEING WITH.
- YOU MEAN LIKE
HOW I ENJOYED KYLE
TAKING ME TO LE EATS
LAST NIGHT?
- I MEAN SOMEONE
YOU CAN GET ALONG WITH
FOR MORE THAN ONE EVENING,
WHO CAN SHARE
YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS,
YOUR TRIUMPHS
AND DISAPPOINTMENTS,
SOMEONE YOU LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING DAY AFTER DAY,
WEEK AFTER WEEK,
MONTH AFTER MONTH,
YEAR AFTER YEAR,
THE SAME OLD COMPLAINTS
ABOUT HIS UNCARING FATHER.
GOD, IS HE EVER GOING
TO GET OVER IT?
- M-UH-OM!
THAT'S SO BORING.
- UM, NOT AT ALL.
THAT'S COMPATIBILITY.
- I THINK I'LL FINISH THIS
UPSTAIRS.
MOVING ON TO COMPATIBILITY.
WHAT COLOR OF JACKET
WOULD YOU WEAR
TO MATCH MY MAUVE SANDALS?
- UM, LEATHER?
- CAN YOU FIX MAJOR APPLIANCES?
- I SET THE CLOCK
ON MY VCR ONCE.
- IF I WAS STRANDED
ON A DESERTED ISLAND,
WHAT IS THE ONE ITEM
YOU'D BRING ME?
- A BOAT...
WITH FLARES AND LIFEBOATS
AND THE COAST GUARD AND...
AND THE NAVY.
- WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS SUNSCREEN.
- WOW, TEN INTERVIEWS
IN TEN MINUTES.
SHE REALLY SHOULD
CONSIDER A CAREER
IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM.
- TONIGHT ON 60 SECONDS...
- DAMN YOU, KIDS!
I'M GOING TO SET UP ONE OF THOSE
HIDDEN SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS!
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE YELLED
THAT LAST PART OUT.
- [chittering]
- YAAH!
YOU'RE NO KID, DAMN IT!
- ANDY HAS THE BEST SHOULDERS,
BUT PETER HAS A BETTER JAWLINE.
- YEAH, I AGREE.
- QUINN, THE WEEKEND
IS ALMOST UPON US,
AND YOU HAVE YET TO CHOOSE
YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- SANDI, I KNOW.
I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN,
BUT I JUST CAN'T DECIDE,
BECAUSE WHAT IF THE ONE
I THINK IS THE RIGHT ONE
TURNS OUT TO BE THE WRONG ONE
AND THE WRONG ONE
IS THE RIGHT ONE
OR ONE OF THE RIGHT ONES?
- THIS IS THE HARDEST
AND MOST IMPORTANT DECISION
YOU'LL EVER HAVE TO MAKE.
- I KNOW.
STACY, DO YOU STILL HAVE
THAT MAGIC 8-BALL?
- HEY, QUINN,
DID YOU PICK A BOYFRIEND YET?
- IS IT ONE OF US?
- LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, ME?
- WELL, UH...
- COME ON, QUINN.
DON'T KEEP YOUR FUTURE
BOYFRIEND WAITING.
- OKAY, OKAY.
I'VE DECIDED THAT
MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE...
EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MOE,
CATCH A BOYFRIEND BY THE TOE.
MY MOTHER SAID TO PICK THIS ONE.
JAMIE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- [groans]
- [groans]
- HEY, GUYS.
- QUINN.
QUINN, THERE GOES
YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- SO?
- SO HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.
RUN TO HIM, QUINN.
- OH, YEAH.
HEY!
JAMIE, YOU IDIOT!
- OKAY, LET'S DIVIDE UP
ALL OF THE GUYS AT SCHOOL.
I'VE DEVISED A DRAFT SYSTEM
SIMILAR TO THAT USED
BY THE WNBA.
[alternative music]
♪ ♪
- DARIA, LET'S PICK A NIGHT
FOR TOM TO COME OVER.
HOW'S FRIDAY?
- SORRY.
NO GOOD.
IT'S THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT
SATURDAY, THEN?
- I'LL BE GEARING UP FOR SUNDAY.
- DARIA, IS THERE SOME REASON
YOU DON'T WANT
TO INVITE TOM OVER?
- DAMN SQUIRRELS ARE NOTHING
BUT RATS WITH FLUFFY TAILS!
WELL, TO CATCH A RAT,
YOU GOT TO THINK LIKE A RAT.
WHERE'S THE CHEESE?
- MOM, DAD, IT'S OFFICIAL.
JAMIE IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
THEREFORE, I WILL NO LONGER
BE ACCEPTING
UNSOLICITED CALLS
FROM OTHER BOYS.
- GIVE ME CHEESE.
I WANT CHEESE.
- UM, DAD, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR HEART AND WHATNOT?
- I DON'T HAVE A HEART.
I'M A FLUFFY RAT.
[laughs]
- DARIA...
[cell phone rings]
HELLO.
REALLY?
SUING UNICEF?
ERIC, IS THAT A GOOD MOVE,
PUBLIC RELATIONS-WISE?
WELL, YES,
IT IS A LOT OF PENNIES.
- IT WAS A VERY
DIFFICULT DECISION,
I MEAN, PICKING JAMIE
FOR MY BOYFRIEND.
MUCH CONTEMPLATION
WAS INVOLVED.
- IF HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND,
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WITH HIM?
YOU SHOULD BE TOGETHER
ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S WHAT GIRLFRIENDS DO,
YOU KNOW.
- WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS WITH TOM.
- BUT WE DON'T GO
TO THE SAME SCHOOL.
IF WE DID, WE'D BE TOGETHER
BEFORE SCHOOL, AFTER SCHOOL,
IN BETWEEN MEALS
AND AFTER SNACKS,
AND THEN ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT.
- BUT...
- IN FACT, YOU SHOULD BE
WITH JAMIE RIGHT NOW,
UNLESS YOU WANT
TO CAUSE PROBLEMS
THIS EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
- [sighs]
A GIRLFRIEND'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
- WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA SUE
THE BASTARDS,
I SAY GET 'EM
RIGHT AFTER HALLOWEEN
WHEN THEY'RE FLUSH.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- [groaning]
GOD! DAAAH!
DAMN IT!
YAAAH!
- YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S BEHAVIOR.
- LOOK, I UNDERSTAND HIM.
- REALLY?
- BUT HE MIGHT BE
A LITTLE OFF-PUTTING
TO SOMEONE WHO'S NOT, UM,
BLOOD RELATED.
THEY MIGHT NOT
APPRECIATE HIS, UM,
ENERGETIC REACTIONS
TO CERTAIN STIMULI.
- STIMULI?
WHAT STIMULI?
- OH, YOU KNOW,
EVERYTHING.
- [sighs]
DARIA, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL HAVE A TALK WITH
YOUR FATHER ABOUT HIS CONDUCT.
YOU CALL TOM ABOUT DINNER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- DIDN'T OUR DEALS
USED TO INVOLVE CASH?
- NOW, ACCORDING TO WAIF,
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART
OF COMMUNICATING IS LISTENING.
- YEAH, NOBODY EVER LISTENS
WHEN I...
- OH, LOOK, A QUIZ ON WHAT
YOUR EYE SHADOW SAYS ABOUT YOU.
MY FAVORITE SHADE IS:
"A", BLUE, "B," UMBER...
STACY SAYS THOSE HIPPIE PEOPLE
IN THE '60s
DIDN'T EVEN WEAR EYE SHADOW.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
I SAID, "WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?"
- UM, I KNOW?
- CREAM SHADOWS
CAN GET STUCK IN CREASES,
NOT THAT I HAVE ANY CREASES,
BUT I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN
TO OTHER PEOPLE.
DO YOU PREFER
THE GLITZY LOOK OF CREAMS,
OR THE MORE NATURAL LOOK
OF PRESSED POWDERS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
JAMIE?
JAMIE, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING
TO ME.
- OF COURSE I AM.
UM, CREASES SUCK.
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING.
YOU DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND
OF EYE SHADOW I WEAR.
- QUINN, I'M SORRY.
- FORGET IT.
IT'S OVER.
- QUINN, COME BACK.
- I'VE GOT YOU NOW, FLUFF RAT!
OH, MR. WHISKERS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE,
YOU SILLY KITTY?
YOU SHOULD BE NEXT DOOR
IN YOUR COZY, WARM...
- [meows]
- DAAAAH!
DAMN IT!
- MEET THE FLY-FISHING
PATHOLOGIST
WHO USES HUMAN ORGANS AS BAIT.
A LIVER RUNS THROUGH IT,
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- IF JAMIE CALLS,
I'M NOT SPEAKING TO HIM.
- HOW ABOUT IF HE DOESN'T?
- MY NEW BOYFRIEND IS JOEY,
SO PUT HIM THROUGH IMMEDIATELY.
- HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE WATCHING
YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND
AT FOOTBALL PRACTICE RIGHT NOW?
- IT'S TOO HUMID.
MY HAIR MIGHT FRIZZ.
- BRITTANY'S THERE
SUPPORTING KEVIN.
SHE'S GOT HAIR.
- SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.
SHE HAS TO GO.
- I'M NOT A CHEERLEADER,
AND I GO TO ALL
OF TOM'S LUGE RACES.
I GUESS YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THOSE
UNSUPPORTIVE GIRLFRIENDS.
- MAYBE THEY'LL HAVE
SOME FRIZZ-PROOF CONDITIONER
AT THE DRUGSTORE.
- JAKE, DEAR.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SUNDAY NIGHT.
TOM'S COMING OVER, AND IT WOULD
MEAN A LOT TO DARIA
IF WE WERE BOTH
ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
- THE CHEESE DIDN'T WORK.
DO SQUIRRELS LIKE SALAMI?
- JAKE, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I WANT YOU TO GIVE
THIS SQUIRREL HUNT A REST
WHILE TOM'S HERE.
- OH, UM, SURE.
YOU CAN COUNT ON OLD JAKEY.
- THANK YOU, HONEY.
- BESIDES, BY THE TIME
TOM GETS HERE,
I'LL BE WEARING
A SQUIRREL-SKIN CAP ON MY HEAD
AND DANCING A VICTORY JIG.
- [sighs]
- I WONDER IF HE'D GO
FOR BACON BITS.
- I REALLY MISS YOU TOO, STACY.
IT'S SO HARD TO SEE YOUR FRIENDS
AND GO SHOPPING AND STUFF
WHEN YOU'RE FORCED TO BE WITH...
WHEN YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
OF COURSE, COMMITMENT
IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
- HELLO, BELLEVUE?
- SANDI'S BEEN DATING KYLE?
BUT I THOUGHT KYLE LIKED ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW, BOYFRIEND,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING TONIGHT?
- THE USUAL.
CAST A FEW SPELLS,
THEN A QUICK BROOMSTICK RIDE
BEFORE BED.
- BUT I LOVE GUYS 2 GUYS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JOEY'S NOT
TAKING ME TO THAT CONCERT.
[doorbell rings]
THERE HE IS.
GOTTA GO.
- HI, QUINN!
- UM, CHANGE OF PLANS.
YOU'RE TAKING ME
TO THE GUYS 2 GUYS CONCERT.
- BUT YOU SAID YOU WANTED
TO GO TO MARGE LA CUISINE!
TONIGHT'S THEIR OPEN...
- FORGET WHAT I SAID.
I WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT.
- BUT, QUINN, IT'S SOLD OUT.
- FINE!
IF YOU WON'T TAKE ME,
THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE!
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
UNSUPPORTIVE BOYFRIENDS!
- BUT, QUINN!
- FORGET IT!
IT'S TOO LATE!
IT'S OVER!
- QUINN, WAIT!
- WOW.
A WHOLE DAY.
AT LEAST YOU'LL HAVE
THE MEMORIES.
- I GIVE UP.
THIS BOYFRIEND STUFF
IS TOO TIME-CONSUMING.
- DARIA, I, UM,
SPOKE TO YOUR FATHER.
WE'RE ALL SET FOR SUNDAY NIGHT.
AND, QUINN, WHY DON'T YOU INVITE
YOUR BOYFRIEND TOO?
- UM, MY BOYFRIEND?
- WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE
IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP.
IT SHOWS A LOT
OF PERSONAL GROWTH.
- OH, OKAY, I'LL INVITE HIM.
AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT
WHO HE IS.
[laid-back electronic music]
♪ ♪
- JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF
THAT SOMEDAY YOU'LL LOOK BACK
ON TONIGHT AND LAUGH.
- ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY SAID
TO LINCOLN?
- TOM, I...
- DARIA, I DON'T MIND.
REALLY.
IT'LL BE INTERESTING
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FOLKS.
- SPEAKING OF INTERESTING,
MY FATHER CAN BE A LITTLE...
ECCENTRIC.
- SO I'VE HEARD.
- FROM WHO?
- YOU.
- OH, YEAH.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T
INTENTIONALLY SAY ANYTHING
TO UPSET HIM.
IT'S JUST THAT HE'S KIND OF,
UM, SENSITIVE.
- SO NO BRIGHT LIGHTS
OR LOUD NOISES?
- TOM.
- DON'T WORRY.
I WANT HIM TO LIKE ME TOO,
YOU KNOW.
- AHEM.
EXCUSE ME.
MY NEW SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, JEFFY,
WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE,
AND I'D LIKE IT IF YOU TWO
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO EMBARRASS ME.
- I GUESS THE BEAR SUITS
ARE OUT.
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND JEFFY
BEEN A COUPLE?
- IT'S NOT THE QUANTITY
OF TIME;
IT'S THE QUALITY.
- YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT
NEGLECTFUL MOTHER ONE DAY.
SPEAKING OF SERIOUS,
THANKS FOR GETTING US
THOSE ADJOINING CEMETERY PLOTS.
NOW I KNOW YOU CARE.
- OH, MY PLEASURE.
- THAT'S GROSS!
- NO, THAT'S COMMITMENT.
RIGHT, SNOOKLES?
- OH, YOU!
- SNOOKLES?
[doorbell rings]
- HI, JEFFY!
I MEAN, UH, JEFFY LUBE.
- UM, HEY, QUINN.
- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT OUR CEMETERY PLOTS,
BUT NOT NOW.
- WE'RE SO GLAD
YOU TWO CAME OVER.
- THANKS FOR INVITING US,
MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- UM, YEAH.
- NO PROBLEMO.
IT'S GREAT TO HAVE SOME MEN
AROUND THE HOUSE.
THIS PLACE COULD DO
WITH A LITTLE SCRATCHING
AND SWEATING NOW AND THEN,
RIGHT, GUYS?
- [clears throat]
- HUH?
- SO, WHAT'S NEW,
MR. MORGENDORFFER?
- NOT TOO MUCH, TOM, MY MAN.
NOT TOO MUCH.
EXCEPT THERE'S THIS SQUIRREL.
HE'S BEEN TERRORIZING
THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
DIGGING UP YARDS
AND KNOCKING OVER TRASH CANS
WITH A SINGLE FLIP
OF HIS TAIL.
- JAKE, REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
- BUT HE ASKED.
- I'M WITH YOU,
MR. MORGENDORFFER.
SOME SQUIRRELS GOT
INTO OUR CELLAR LAST WINTER
AND ATE UP ALL THE WHEAT THINS.
- TOM.
- WHAT? THEY DID.
- JEFFY, WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE
SUBJECTS IN SCHOOL?
- I CAUGHT A SQUIRREL ONCE.
- JEFFY!
- YOU DID?
HOW?
- THEY REALLY LIKE
PEANUT BUTTER.
- PEANUT BUTTER.
YEAH!
I BET THAI PEANUT SAUCE
WOULD WORK GREAT!
AND I WHIPPED UP A NEW BATCH
JUST LAST NIGHT.
- JAKE, YOU DIDN'T!
- I SMELLED SOMETHING
AT BREAKFAST,
BUT I JUST THOUGHT
A NEIGHBOR HAD DIED.
[cell phone rings]
- JAKE, YOU PROMISED YOU'D...
HELLO, ERIC.
THIS IS A BAD TIME.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY...
YES, OF COURSE I KNEW
UNICEF'S A CHARITY.
NO, IT'S UNIROYAL
THAT MAKES THE TIRES.
- HEY JEFFY.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME
SET UP THE TRAP?
- SURE!
- JEFFY!
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT,
OUR COMMITMENT
TO COMPATIBLE EXCLUSIVITY,
OR SOME STUPID SQUIRREL?
- LOOK, THERE IT IS!
- LET'S GO!
- TOM?
- JEFFY!
- I GUESS THAT ANSWERS
THE "WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT"
QUESTION.
WELL, THINGS HAVE TURNED OUT
EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN...
- AUGH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE JEFFY
JUST DESERTED ME LIKE THAT.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
I'LL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
LIKE YOU AND TOM.
I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE.
- HMM.
DO I DO THE SISTERLY THING
AND CONSOLE HER?
OH, LOOK.
ROLLS.
- ALL RIGHT, ERIC, YOU KEEP
WORKING ON THE APOLOGY.
I'LL DRAFT A PRESS RELEASE
WITH A LIST
OF CHILDREN'S CHARITIES
WE HAVEN'T SUED.
BYE.
OH, MY.
WHERE IS EVERYONE?
- DAD, TOM, AND JEFFY
ARE OUTSIDE TRYING TO CATCH
A SQUIRREL,
AND QUINN'S IN HER ROOM CRYING.
- WHY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
- MALE BONDING, I GUESS.
- I MEAN WITH QUINN.
- OH.
SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT FAILING
AT RELATIONSHIPS.
- WHAT, JUST BECAUSE JEFFY
JOINED YOUR FATHER
ON SOME RIDICULOUS
SQUIRREL CHASE,
SHE THINKS HER RELATIONSHIP
IS OVER?
- WELL, SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD
SLIGHTLY UNREALISTIC
EXPECTATIONS
ABOUT WHAT HAVING
A BOYFRIEND ENTAILS.
- UH-HUH.
AND JUST WHAT WOULD SOME
OF THESE EXPECTATIONS BE?
- YOU KNOW, BEING TOGETHER
24 HOURS A DAY,
HANGING ON EACH OTHER'S
EVERY WORD,
HIS-AND-HERS CEMETERY PLOTS.
- DARIA, HOW COULD YOU MISLEAD
YOUR SISTER LIKE THAT?
- MOTHER,
HOW COULD I NOT?
- WHOO-HOO!
- YEAH, ALL RIGHT!
- HA HA!
- WHOO!
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
I FINALLY GET UP THE NERVE
TO INVITE TOM
FOR A FAMILY DINNER,
AND EVERYONE LEAVES ME,
CONFIRMING MY DEEPEST FEARS
ABOUT ABANDONMENT AND ISOLATION.
OH, LOOK, SHOESTRING POTATOES.
- QUINN, DARIA SAID
YOU WERE UPSET.
- OF COURSE I'M UPSET.
I TRIED AND I TRIED TO GET
THIS BOYFRIEND THING RIGHT,
AND I JUST COULDN'T!
I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M GONNA BE
BURIED WITH.
MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.
- MAYBE YOU'RE NOT READY
FOR A STEADY BOYFRIEND JUST YET.
- OKAY.
I ADMIT YOU WERE RIGHT.
I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH
TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
- ME?
I NEVER SAID YOU WEREN'T
MATURE ENOUGH FOR A BOYFRIEND.
- BUT YOU SAID DARIA
WAS REALLY MATURE
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
SO IF I'M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP,
THAT MAKES ME UN-MATURE...
OR "IM-"?
- QUINN, HAVING A BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ANY MORE OR LESS GROWN UP.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS TO DO
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
DATING TOM EXCLUSIVELY
MAKES DARIA HAPPY.
IF DATING A LOT OF DIFFERENT
BOYS MAKES YOU HAPPY,
THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
- SO, IT'S ALL RIGHT NOT TO HAVE
A STEADY BOYFRIEND?
- OF COURSE IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY!
I'M GOING TO GO DUMP JEFFY NOW.
- [together]
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
- I LOVE THIS SONG!
THINK WE'RE FAR ENOUGH
OUT OF TOWN, FELLAS?
- LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
- GOOD-BYE, LITTLE FELLA.
IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL.
- BOY, THIS WOULD BE
A GREAT PLACE
TO PLAY PAINTBALL.
- OR GO CAMPING.
- OR BUILD A FORT!
- HEY, MY DAD USED TO TAKE US
TO A GO-KART TRACK
RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD FROM HERE.
- NO WAY!
- ALL RIGHT!
- WHERE IS EVERYONE?
- APPARENTLY,
IT TAKES THREE PEOPLE
TO RETURN A SQUIRREL
TO ITS NATURAL HABITAT.
- TOM WENT TOO?
- I GUESS PART OF ME ALWAYS KNEW
THAT SOMEDAY HE'D RETURN
TO THE WILD.
- DARIA, DO YOU EVER THINK
MAYBE GUYS AND GIRLS
AREN'T MEANT
TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?
LIKE IT'S ALL SOME BIG
UNFUNNY JOKE ON US
WE'LL BE STRUGGLING WITH
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
OH, LOOK, CELERY STALKS.
- YOU'RE MINE NOW,
MR. MORGENDORFFER!
- SAY YOUR PRAYERS, JEFFY LUBE.
- WAHOO!
YEAH!
[electronic dance music]
♪ ♪