Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 7 - Art Burn - full transcript

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ ♪

- MAX, CAN'T YOU LOOK
ANY MORE EXISTENTIAL?

- EXISTENTIAL?

YOU SAID NIHILISTIC.

- I FEEL LIKE
I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING.

- SHOULDN'T HE HAVE A SIGN
THAT SAYS, "HI, MOM"?

- UH, JESSE?

WHY DON'T YOU CUE
THE FOG MACHINE?

[mechanic whirring]

[all coughing]

[clanking and sputtering]

- IT'S GONNA BLOW!

[clanking and sputtering]

[explosion]

- WOW.

REAL-LIFE DRAMA.

- AND I GOT EVERY SECOND OF IT.

Crash!

CRAP.

HEY, COME ON BACK.

NOW WE'LL HAVE A WHOLE

POSTAPOCALYPTIC
WATERWORLD FEEL.

GILLS FOR EVERYONE!

- WE JUST STARED THE REAPER
IN THE FACE,

AND YOU WANT US TO KEEP WORKING?

- YEAH, WE'RE, LIKE,
TRAUMATIZED.

- SORRY, JANIE.

WE'RE GONNA NEED
TO TAKE A FEW WEEKS OFF.

- A FEW WEEKS OFF FROM WHAT?

- I HOPE YOUR PARENTS APPRECIATE
DECONSRUCTIONISM.

- THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE.

BESIDES, THEY'RE IN GREENLAND
DOING THE WALRUS TUSK

FERTILITY FETISH CARVING THING.

- ALWAYS KEEPING UP
WITH THE JONESES.

- TRENT, JANE!

YOU ARE HERE!

- PENNY?

- MY NAME IS OLIVER TWIST, SIR.

- HEY, WIND.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- KATIE IS LOCKED
IN OUR KITCHEN

TAKING SOME PRIVATE TIME.

AND OUR LIFE CONSULTANT SAYS
I SHOULD RESPECT THAT.

BUT I'M HUNGRY.

OH, NO!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GAZEBO?

- WHAT GAZEBO?

- THAT'S WHERE MOM AND DAD
TOOK US WHEN WE WERE BORN

TO DECIDE OUR NAMES.

YOU'VE GOT TO FIX IT.

- UM, WIND?

I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,

BUT I DON'T THINK
MOMMY AND DADDY

WILL BE BRINGING US HOME
ANY NEW BROTHERS OR SISTERS.

- HMM,
BUMMER.

- YOU DON'T GET IT.

I COULDN'T STAND TO LOSE
SUCH AN IMPORTANT PIECE

OF MY IDENTITY.

OH, WHAT CHANCE DOES LOVE
HAVE IN A WORLD

WHERE EVEN THE NAMING GAZEBO
FALLS TO PIECES?

- "NAMING GAZEBO"?

- PROMISE ME YOU'LL FIX IT.

- HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE?

TRENT.

- I HAVE NONE,
SO I SAID NOTHING.

- [sobbing]

- I REALLY SHOULD...

- HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD SELL
SOME OF YOUR PAINTINGS

AT THAT ART IN THE PARK THING
THEY'RE HAVING.

- HMM, THE HARVEST
OF MY INNER TORMENT

ON DISPLAY RIGHT NEXT
TO THE FALAFEL CART.

I LIKE THAT.

- COOL.

- BUT IF I GET THE MONEY,

YOU HAVE THE HANDLE
ALL THE SLUDGE WORK:

CALLING CONTRACTORS,
GETTING BIDS,

SCHEDULING THE JOB,
EVERYTHING.

- I DON'T KNOW.

THE BAND AND I ARE
GONNA BE PRETTY BUSY

PRACTICING THESE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
AND...

OH, YEAH.

WE'RE TRAUMATIZED.

OKAY.

I'M ON IT.

WE'LL GET IT FIXED.

- SANDI, YOU WOULD LOOK SO GREAT
IN A CARICATURE.

- BUT I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE

HOW THE ARTIST
WOULD DRAW YOU, QUINN.

YOUR FACE IS SO FULL
OF DRAWABLE PARTS.

- I HAVE AN IDEA.

HE COULD DRAW ALL OF US,
YOU KNOW, TOGETHER.

- THAT WOULD REALLY SHOW HOW,
LIKE, FUN WE ARE.

- ALL RIGHT.

CAN YOU WRITE "FRIENDS FOREVER"
ON IT?

- [dryly]
WHAT A LOVELY SENTIMENT.

PLEASE, TAKE A SEAT.

- LOCK IN PROFILES.

- LOOK, JANET,
MICE MADE OF CLAMSHELLS.

- MALE MICE.

A FIREMAN, A POLICEMAN,

A DOCTOR WHO JUST HAPPENS
TO BE A MAN.

I'LL BET HE'S
A GYNECOLOGIST TOO.

- THIS ONE'S WEARING A RAINCOAT,
AND IT'S CALLED "SQUEAKING WET."

ISN'T THAT CLEVER?

- [grunting]

- WELL, WE ARE IN THE PARK,

BUT I'M FAILING TO SEE
THE ART PORTION.

- CLOWNS CRYING?

WHY, I'VE NEVER HEARD
OF SUCH A THING.

- MAYBE THEY'RE SAD THEY LOST
ALL THEIR MONEY

IN THAT POKER GAME
WITH THE DOGS.

- YO, ART LOVERS!

- ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT
LIKE THE OTHERS.

HELLO, SELLOUT.

- WOULDN'T I
HAVE TO SELL SOMETHING

FOR THAT TO BE THE CASE?

- HOW MUCH ARE YOU ASKING
FOR THESE?

- MOST OF THEM ARE 25 BUCKS,

EXCEPT FOR THE TOPSY-TURVY
VAN GOGH.

THAT ONE'S $10 MILLION.

- DO YOU KNOW YOU'VE HUNG
THIS VAN GOGH COPY UPSIDE DOWN?

- NO, I PAINTED IT UPSIDE DOWN.

I HUNG IT RIGHT SIDE UP.

- COME ON, HONEY.

LET'S GO FIND
SOME PRETTY BARN PAINTINGS.

- JANE, THESE WORKS OF YOURS
ARE AMONG THE MOST INSPIRED

AND ORIGINAL I'VE SEEN ALL DAY.

- THANKS.

- DO YOU REALIZE THIS VAN GOGH
IS UPSIDE DOWN?

- NONE OF THESE NUMBERS
ARE GAZEBO NUMBERS.

[phone beeping]

HELLO?

PARAMEDICS?

DO YOU FIX GAZEBOS?

[girls gasp]

- I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT.

- IT'S LIKE OUR FEATURES
ARE EXAGGERATED OR SOMETHING.

- HEY, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT,
DON'T BUY IT.

I'LL USE IT AS A SAMPLE.

- BUT YOU CAN'T PUT IT
ON DISPLAY.

SOMEONE MIGHT SEE IT!

- I'LL TAKE THAT AS EXHIBIT "A."

COME ON.

MAYBE WE CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE
TO INSULT US.

- [whistling]

- WELL, GUESS WE
SHOULD HEAD OUT.

- HAVE FUN, KIDS.

- ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?

- OKAY?

YOU KNOW, VAN GOGH HARDLY SOLD
ANYTHING DURING HIS LIFE,

AND IT NEVER BOTHERED HIM,

EXCEPT FOR THAT WHOLE
GOING INSANE PART.

- HEY, DID YOU PAINT THIS?

- I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S UPSIDE DOWN.

- OF COURSE IT IS.

HANGING A FAMOUS MASTERPIECE
UPSIDE DOWN

ALLOWS THE VIEWER
TO SEE ITS BEAUTY

TOTALLY INDEPENDENT
OF ITS CONTENT.

I LOVE IT.

- YOU DO?

- SURE, AND I KNOW TALENT
WHEN I SEE IT.

I HIRE ARTISTS TO RE-CREATE
THE WORKS

OF THE OLD MASTERS
FOR MY GALLERY.

- WELL, I'M ASKING
TEN MILLION BUCKS,

BUT SINCE YOU'RE
IN THE BUSINESS,

I'LL LET IT GO FOR $50.

- I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

I'LL SELL AS MANY OF THESE
VAN GOGHS AS YOU CAN PAINT,

AND I'LL ONLY TAKE, SAY,
60% COMMISSION.

HERE'S MY CARD.

- YOUR PLACE IS CALLED
"GARY'S GALLERY?"

- "LARRY'S LOUVRE" WAS TAKEN.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- WELL, I COULD USE
A NEW GAZEBO.

- THIS KICKS BUTT.

I'M FINALLY GETTING REAL MONEY
FOR MY ARTWORK.

- YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT
BECOMING A HACK?

- NOT AS LONG AS I'M ONLY IN IT
FOR THE CASH.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.

I LOVE MONEY.

I'D SHOVEL IT DOWN MY THROAT
IF I COULD.

- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

- OF COURSE, DARIA.

I'D CHEW IT SLOWLY AND STOP
WHEN I FELT FULL.

- HEY, WEREN'T YOU GUYS SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE TWO DAYS AGO?

- IS THAT A PROBLEM?

- I DON'T KNOW.

FEELS LIKE IT SHOULD BE.

UM, HOW'S THE GAZEBO?

- BAD SHAPE.

WE'LL NEED TO BUILD YOU
A NEW TRANSVERSE ARCH

BEFORE WE CAN EVEN START TALKING
ABOUT GABLE AND BUNTING OPTIONS.

I'D SAY YOU'RE LOOKING
AT 500 BUCKS.

- WHOA.

SO NOW WHAT?

DO I TELL YOU TO GET TO WORK?

OR DO YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,
START UP ON YOUR OWN?

- THAT LAST THING YOU SAID.

- OKAY.

COOL.

- SO ARE WE ALL IN AGREEMENT

THAT WE HAVE BEEN
MALICIOUSLY SLANDERED

AND ARE THEREFORE IN NEED
OF LEGAL COUNSEL?

- YEAH.

SLANDERED.

- VERY WELL.

QUINN, YOUR MOTHER IS A LAWYER.

PERHAPS SHE'D BE WILLING
TO PLEAD OUR CASE.

- UM, I CAN ASK.

- EXCELLENT.

ALL IN FAVOR OF RETAINING
MRS. MORGENDORFFER

SO WE CAN BRING THIS CARICATURE
ASSASSIN TO JUSTICE

AND CLEAR OUR GOOD FACES?

- IT'S NOT OFTEN I GET TREATED
TO A SLICE WITH TWO TOPPINGS.

- WELL, NOW THAT
MY SHIP'S COME IN,

I FIGURE WHY NOT
SPREAD MY WEALTH AROUND

AND HELP THE LITTLE PEOPLE?

MY FIRST COMMISSION: $200.

- TRY TO CONTAIN
YOUR EXUBERANCE.

- I DID THINK IT WOULD BE
MORE EXCITING.

MAYBE IF IT WAS FOR MY OWN WORK.

BUT HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GONNA
BE PAINTING COPIES FOREVER.

- JUST DON'T SAY
YOU CAN QUIT ANYTIME.

- JANE LANE.

YOUR SUNFLOWERS
SOLD THIS MORNING,

WHICH MEANS I'VE GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU.

- $350?

WOW.

OKAY, I QUIT.

- QUIT?

YOU CAN'T QUIT GARY'S GALLERY.

- NO, THAT'S THE MAFIA.

SORRY, BUT THIS PAYS OFF
THE WORKMEN AT MY HOUSE

AND MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIE DEBT.

- I CAN'T LET YOU GO.

YOU'RE THE BEST ARTIST I HAVE.

- THANKS, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE
MUCH OF AN ARTIST

UNLESS I'M WORKING
ON MY OWN STUFF.

- I UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT PAINTS AND CANVASSES
ARE EXPENSIVE, YOU KNOW.

BUILD YOUR NEST EGG NOW,
WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE.

THEN YOU CAN AFFORD TO WORK
ON YOUR JANE LANE ORIGINALS.

- MONEY IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE.

- I'LL INCREASE YOUR CUT TO 60%.

- MONEY IS THE ISSUE HERE.

- AND IF YOU'RE THAT BORED,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
VAN GOGHS ANYMORE.

ANY ARTIST YOU LIKE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- [snoring]

[knocking at door]

- QUINN?
COME IN.

- MOM, I NEED YOUR HELP.

THIS REALLY MEAN GUY

DREW AN UGLY PICTURE OF ME
AND THE FASHION CLUB

AT THE ART FAIR,

AND WE WANT TO SUE
FOR DEFAMING OF CHARACTER.

- QUINN, YOU CAN'T SUE
FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER.

HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO HARM YOUR REPUTATION.

- YES, HE DID.

HE MADE MY FACE LOOK LIKE
ONE BIG FRECKLE.

MOM, THE EMBARRASSMENT,
THE PAIN, THE SUFFERING.

- IN THE EYES OF THE LAW,

"PAIN AND SUFFERING"
ARE WHEN A SURGEON LEAVES

HIS PAGER IN YOUR SPLEEN.

- EW!

WHAT IF YOU WERE ON A DATE
AND IT STARTED BEEPING?

- [sighs]

- [snoring]

- TRENT, THOSE WORKMEN,
SHOULDN'T THEY BE,

I DON'T KNOW, WORKING?

- HMM.

- GO ON.

TELL THEM THEY CAN'T BE
LOLLYGAGGING AROUND ALL DAY.

- UM, OKAY.

- YO, "T."

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- HEY.

I MEAN, "HEY!"

YOU GUYS AREN'T WORKING.

- YES, WE ARE.

WE'RE DISCUSSING
MEASUREMENT CALCULATIONS.

- OH.

WAIT, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MEASURING,

BUT I KNOW ALL ABOUT
LYING AROUND.

AND YOU GUYS ARE DEFINITELY
LYING AROUND.

- WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

- UM, WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?

[sighs]

GET TO WORK.

- I DON'T WANT TO.

- OH, MAN!

- OKAY, GUYS, BACK TO WORK.

YOU HEARD THE MAN.

- WHOA.

THAT'S JUST CRUEL.

- SO WITH THE GAZEBO PAID OFF,
I'M IN PURE PROFIT TERRITORY.

AND I'M ONLY PAINTING THESE
IN THE STYLE OF...

- YOU MEAN "COPIES OF."

- FINE.

I'M ONLY PAINTING THEM
SO I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF

WHILE DOING MY OWN STUFF.

- AND BASED
ON YOUR RECENT WORKLOAD,

YOU'LL GET TO YOUR OWN STUFF

RIGHT ABOUT THE TIME YOU START
CLIPPING COUPONS

FOR DENTURE PASTE.

- JANE, YOUR EXPLORATION
OF THE CLASS ASSIGNMENT

LOOKS REMARKABLY SIMILAR
TO VAN GOGH.

- YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP
THOSE SAFETY SCISSORS

AWAY FROM HER EARS.

- OKAY, I ADMIT THIS IS
SOMEWHAT EXTRACURRICULAR.

- YOU DON'T NEED
TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME, JANE.

I JUST HOPE YOU NEVER LOSE
YOUR OWN UNIQUE STYLE.

- SHE DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT MY HORSEY.

- DAMN IT TO HELL!

WHAT SOCIOPATHIC PARALEGAL

KEEPS STEALING MY "SIGN HERE"
POST-ITS?

[phone beeps]

- THERE'S A SANDI GRIFFIN
ON LINE ONE.

- SANDI, IS QUINN ALL RIGHT?

- ACTUALLY,
NONE OF US ARE ALL RIGHT,

GIVEN HOW WE WERE
CRUELLY MALIGNED

BY THAT SO-CALLED ARTIST.

- SANDI, I ALREADY EXPLAINED
TO QUINN

THAT A LAWSUIT IS OUT
OF THE QUESTION.

- YES, SO SHE TOLD ME.

BUT QUINN IS A SIMPLE,
UNCOMPLICATED GIRL

AND PERHAPS DIDN'T CONSIDER
OTHER LEGAL AVENUES

WE COULD EXPLORE TO ADDRESS
OUR PROBLEM.

- I'M REALLY TERRIBLY BUSY.

- YOU SEE, GIVEN THAT THIS
PERSON IS HARDLY AN ARTIST,

AND THEREFORE FALSELY
REPRESENTED HIMSELF,

I THOUGHT WE MIGHT TAKE STEPS
TO HAVE HIM DISBARRED.

- SANDI, DISBARRING ONLY APPLIES
TO LAWYERS.

- EXACTLY.

AND YOU'RE A LAWYER,
SO YOU CAN DO IT.

VOILA.

- [sighs]

- [yawns]

TRENT, YOU'RE UP EARLY.

- THOSE WORKERS PROMISED TO HAVE
SOMETHING DONE BY 2:00.

SO I THOUGHT I'D BETTER GET UP
AND CHECK IT OUT.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU BRING
YOUR EASEL DOWN,

AND YOU CAN, LIKE, PORTRAY
THE BIRTH OF A NEW GAZEBO.

- TRENT, IF I HAD
A SPARE MOMENT,

I SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T
SPEND IT PAINTING.

- WHOA, COPYING BURNOUT.

THAT'S WHY SPIRAL
DOESN'T PLAY COVERS,

'CAUSE OF WHAT IT WOULD DO
TO OUR CREATIVITY.

AND THE IRONIC THIS IS,
I AM AS FREE AS A BIRD.

- GOOD FOR YOU, TRENT.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR ART.

I'M SURE YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE

THE NEGATIVE BANK BALANCE
TO PROVE IT.

- HEY, JANIE.

I'D RATHER BALANCE
MY ARTISTIC STATEMENT

THAN MY BANK STATEMENT.

- WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT I HAD SOMETHING THERE.

- MY ARM'S GETTING TIRED,
DAMN IT.

IT NEVER USED TO.

- WHAT'S MORE HEARTLESS
THAN PILFERING

A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?

TRANSFORMING IT INTO A ROLL
OF 20s.

THE SQUEEZABLY SOFT
COUNTERFEITER NEXT

ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- COUNTERFEITING?

- HEY, THIS DOESN'T GO
WITH THE HOUSE!

WHAT ABOUT MY RESALE VALUE?

- LOOK, PAL, THAT'S WHY I RENT.

- HERE'S A FUNNY THOUGHT.

WOULDN'T IT BE HILARIOUS
IF GARY

WERE SOME HUGE
ART COUNTERFEITING KINGPIN?

- YEAH.

YOU'D BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY
TO THE BIG HOUSE.

- NO, LISTEN.

WHAT IF MY COPIES
ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO FOOL PEOPLE?

IT WOULD BE A CINCH FOR HIM
TO MAKE MILLIONS

OFF MY HARD WORK.

- TO FINANCE
HIS SECRET ROBOT ARMY, NO DOUBT.

- I'M SERIOUS.

WE'RE GONNA HEAD OVER
THERE RIGHT NOW

AND ENACT A STING OPERATION.

- FINE.

YOU WEAR THE MUSTACHE.

I'LL HIDE IN THE CEILING VENT.

- HERE'S THE PLAN.

THERE'S AN INVOICE BOOK
BEHIND THE COUNTER

THAT SHOULD TELL US WHO BOUGHT
MY LAST PAINTING.

BUT YOU HAVE TO DISTRACT GARY
WHILE I'M GRABBING IT.

- AND JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT, MR. PHELPS?

- YOU'LL FIGURE OUT SOMETHING.

USE YOUR WOMANLY ATTRIBUTES.

- GOTCHA;
I'LL GIVE BIRTH.

- THAT'LL WORK.

- HEY, JANE.

HOW'S THAT DALI COMING ALONG?

I THINK I CAN PRESELL IT.

- GREAT, GREAT.

GARY, THIS IS MY FRIEND DARIA.

SHE'S VERY INTERESTED
IN ART RE-CREATIONS.

- UM, YES.

I AM VERY INTERESTED
IN ART RE-CREATIONS.

[sighs]

ALTHOUGH, GEE,
THEY LOOK SO SIMPLE

AS IF ANYONE COULD DO THEM.

- NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER
FROM THE TRUTH.

LET ME SHOW YOU.

WHY DO PEOPLE YEARN

TO SEE GREAT PAINTINGS
FOR THEMSELVES

WHEN THEY CAN JUST LOOK
IN A BOOK?

- PAPER CUTS?

- COLOR, TEXTURE, VIBRANCY,

THE PALPABLE ENERGY THAT COMES

FROM BEING IN THE PRESENCE
OF THE WORK ITSELF.

- THANKS FOR CLEARING
THAT UP, GARY,

BUT WE REALLY NEED TO BE GOING.

- OH, I KNOW WHAT
I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

CAN YOU DO O'KEEFFE?

THE GUY WHO BOUGHT
YOUR LAST PAINTING,

STEVE TAYLOR, WANTS ONE
FOR HIS WIFE'S BIRTHDAY.

- AHA.

OUR CLEVER SUBTERFUGE
HAS UNEARTHED THE TRUTH.

- STEVE TAYLOR BOUGHT
MY LAST PAINTING?

- HE'S A REGULAR CUSTOMER.

YOU KNOW HIM?

- OH, LOOK,
LAWN JOCKEY WITH LANTERN.

YOU THINK IT'S
THE ORIGINAL RODIN OR A COPY?

- GO ON, LAUGH NOW
WHILE YOU CAN.

[doorbell rings]

- JANE, DARIA?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT,
DO YOU?

- IS YOUR FATHER HOME?

WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS
ABOUT HIS ART COLLECTION.

- OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

I KNOW ALL ABOUT MY DAD'S ART.

HE SAYS I WAS BORN TO BE
AN ART POINTER GIRL.

- KIND OF LIKE
THAT SISTER WENDY ON TV.

- THIS IS AN UMBRELLA HOLDER

MADE OUT OF A REAL
ELEPHANT'S FOOT.

- WHERE'S THE REST
OF THE ELEPHANT?

- HUH?
THERE'S NO ELEPHANT HERE.

- DON'T WORRY.

I'M SURE THE HUNTERS GAVE HIM
A PROSTHETIC FOOT

AND LET HIM RETURN
TO HIS FAMILY.

- GEE, I HOPE SO.

THIS PAINTING IS OF A LION
WITH SOME DEAD ANIMALS.

- BRITTANY, DOES YOUR DAD HAVE
ANY ART

THAT ISN'T FROM
OR ABOUT DEAD BEASTS?

- OH, SURE.

WE HAVE A NEW PICTURE
BY A REALLY FAMOUS ARTIST

IN THE FAMILY ROOM.

DAD SAYS THAT'S AN ORIGINAL,
UM, SOMEONE.

- BRITTANY,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

YOU WERE HAVING FRIENDS OVER?

- OH, THEY AREN'T FRIENDS,
JUST DARIA AND JANE.

- YOU GIRLS LOOK FAMILIAR.

- MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN US
ON THE MUSEUM CIRCUIT.

WE'RE BIG ART AFICIONADOS.

- YEAH?

ME TOO.

- I LIKE THIS ONE
ABOVE THE FIREPLACE.

- IS IT AN ORIGINAL VAN GOGH?

- AN ORIGINAL?

HA!

I'D NEED TO BE A BILLIONAIRE.

NO, I FOUND A GREAT GALLERY

THAT'S GOT A BUNCH OF HACKS
CHURNING OUT COPIES.

THEY'RE REALLY PRETTY DECENT
FOR THE PRICE.

- DECENT?

- WELL, YEAH.

I MEAN, NICE BRUSHWORK,
DON'T YOU THINK?

EXCEPT FOR THIS SPOT HERE
WHERE IT GETS KIND OF LAZY.

BUT YOU GET
WHAT YOU PAY FOR, RIGHT?

- YEAH, WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

- SAY, IF YOU GIRLS WANT TO SEE
SOMETHING REALLY IMPRESSIVE,

YOU OUGHT TO CHECK OUT
MY TROPHY ROOM.

I JUST GOT MY EMU HEAD MOUNTED.

- DAD, DID THAT THREE-LEGGED
ELEPHANT LEARN TO WALK AGAIN?

- HUH?

- YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

- NO.

JEEZ, DARIA, EVEN A CHEESE BALL
LIKE MR. TAYLOR

CAN TELL I'M A HACK.

"LAZY BRUSHWORK," HE SAID.

- COMING FROM A GUY WHOSE HOME

IS DECORATED
IN EARLY PETTING ZOO,

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- BUT HE WAS RIGHT, DAMN IT.

- HEY, GARY CAN'T KEEP
YOUR PAINTINGS IN STOCK.

YOU'RE A STAR COPYIST.

YOU'VE BEEN PAINTING
YOUR BUTT OFF.

THEY CAN'T ALL BE
YOUR BEST WORK.

- NONE OF THEM ARE MY BEST WORK.

HELL, NONE OF THEM ARE MY WORK.

LATELY I HAVEN'T EVEN WANTED
TO DO ORIGINAL STUFF.

DAMN IT, DARIA.

I NEVER GOT
CREATIVE BLOCK BEFORE.

- YOUR CREATIVITY HAS BEEN
CHANNELED INTO OTHER AREAS,

LIKE INVENTING PARANOID
DELUSIONS

CENTERED AROUND NONEXISTENT
ART COUNTERFEITING RINGS.

- YEAH.

MY EGO COULDN'T TAKE
JUST BEING A HACK.

I HAD TO BE A SUPER HACK.

OR MAYBE I JUST WANTED GARY
TO BE A CON MAN

SO I COULD QUIT WITHOUT REMORSE.

- SURE, 'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE

YOU'LL HAVE ANY REMORSE
IF YOU STAY.

[all snoring]

- TRENT!

YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO GET THESE GUYS

TO FINISH THE JOB TODAY.

- IT... IT WAS JUST TOO HARD
YELLING AT THEM, JANIE.

WHEN I LOOK IN THEIR EYES,
I SEE MYSELF.

- OKAY, LOOK.

I ALMOST WENT NUTS WORKING
TO PAY YOU SLOUCHES,

SO HERE'S THE DEAL.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE ONE RED CENT
OF YOUR MONEY,

YOU HAVE PRECISELY FOUR HOURS
TO FINISH THIS STUPID GAZEBO

AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

- BUT, MA'AM, THERE'S NO WAY
TO FINISH IN THAT TIME.

WE'RE ONLY THREE PEOPLE.

- FUNNY, I COUNT FOUR.

- OH.

EW.

[doorbell rings]

- HI, TIFFANY.

QUINN ISN'T HOME YET.

- ACTUALLY, I CAME TO SEE YOU.

- OH, WELL, I'M JUST
IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ENOR...

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT?

- TIFFANY, I ALREADY EXPLAINED...

- THE CARICATURIST.

- LOOK, TIFFANY, YOU CAN'T SUE
THE CARICATURE ARTIST,

NOR CAN YOU HAVE HIM DISBARRED,
DEPORTED,

IMPRISONED, OR GROUNDED.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

- OF COURSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

TIFFANY, I'M SORRY.

- WE NEED SOMEONE
TO BREAK HIS FINGERS

LIKE ON THAT SHOW
ABOUT THOSE GUYS.

- [sighs]

- SO GARY TOOK YOUR RESIGNATION
IN STRIDE?

- HE SAID HIS DOOR IS ALWAYS
OPEN IF I CHANGE MY MIND.

BUT BETWEEN US,

THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY
ABOUT THAT DOOR.

I THINK IT'S A COUNTERFEIT.

- WHOA.

- YOU KNOW, MAYBE I WILL DO
A PAINTING OF THE GAZEBO.

I CAN CALL IT
DESCENT INTO MADNESS.

- OR GAZEBO.

- GOOD THING SPIRAL'S
STILL TRAUMATIZED,

'CAUSE I THINK I'M TOO SORE
TO PLAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING OUT HERE?

- MOM, DAD, YOU'RE BACK EARLY.

- OUR HOTEL BROKE OFF
THE MAINLAND AND FLOATED AWAY.

HEY, IT MIGHT NOT BE SAFE
TO SIT IN THERE.

- WE'RE RISK TAKERS.

- WE REALLY SHOULD TEAR DOWN
THAT UGLY THING.

- YEAH, ONLY COUNTRY HOUSE
PHONIES HAVE GAZEBOS THESE DAYS.

- BUT WIND SAID THIS WAS
YOUR NAMING GAZEBO.

- WIND SAID WHAT?

WAIT.

I REMEMBER.

YEARS AGO, HE WANTED TO CHANGE
HIS NAME TO RONALD.

WE MADE UP THAT STORY SO HE'D
APPRECIATE THE NAME WE GAVE HIM.

- RONALD?

- YOU CAN SEE WE HAD NO CHOICE.

TELL YOU WHAT.

AS SOON AS I UNPACK,
TRENT AND I WILL GRAB SOME AXES

AND CHOP THIS GAZEBO UP
INTO KINDLING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, SON?

- [groans]

- I'M GONNA KILL WIND.

- SO THAT CARICATURIST IS GONNA
GET OFF SCOT-FREE?

- IT SICKENS ME, QUINN.

THE CRIMINALS HAVE MORE RIGHTS
THAN THE VICTIMS.

- YOU SHOULD AT LEAST
BURN THE PICTURE

SO NO ONE EVER SEES IT AGAIN.

- I SHOULD BURN IT?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD IT.

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA ♪

- ♪ LA-LA, LA ♪