Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 6 - Lucky Strike - full transcript

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

- ANGELA, WE CERTAINLY RECOGNIZE

THE CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
YOU MUST FEEL

AS BOTH EDUCATOR
AND ADMINISTRATOR, BUT...

- DO WE GET OUR RAISE OR NOT?

- BETTER!

I'M PUTTING A NEW COFFEE MAKER
IN THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE.

- THAT'S NOT AN OFFER.

THAT'S AN INSULT!

NOW, AS HEAD OF THE LAWNDALE
TEACHER'S UNION, I...

- WITH SOME OF THOSE
INTERNATIONAL FLAVORS

YOU CAN JUST SQUIRT
RIGHT OUT OF A BOTTLE.

MM.

- OOH, I LIKE WHAT I'M SEEING.

- MS. LI
CHANGING HER SUPPORT HOSE AGAIN?

- THAT'S ANOTHER HABIT THAT WILL
LEAD TO BLINDNESS, UPCHUCK.

- BUT IN THIS CASE,
YOU'LL WISH FOR IT.

- YOUR CONCERN TOUCHES ME,
LADIES,

BUT WE'VE GOT
A CAT-AND-DOGFIGHT HERE.

ME... OUCH!

AND IT'S ABOUT TO GET
STRIKE-O-LICIOUS.

- GIVE US OUR 10%

OR WE'LL WALK!

- OH, YOU WILL, WILL YOU?

WELL, I HOPE, FOR YOUR SAKE,

YOUR NEGOTIATING SKILLS
HAVE IMPROVED

SINCE THE LAST TIME
YOU TRIED TO PULL THIS STUNT.

OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
THAT THE DENTAL INSURANCE

WAS CONTINGENT
ON YOUR TEACHING A SEWING CLASS?

- [growls]

- DID YOU HEM THOSE PANTS
YOURSELF?

- THAT'S IT!

WE STRIKE!

[students cheering]

- STUDENTS OF LAWNDALE HIGH,
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

- IS THAT THE VOICE IN MY HEAD

THAT TELLS ME TO KILL
AND KILL AGAIN?

- NO.

SATAN'S VOICE IS LOWER,

AND HE HAS AN ENGLISH ACCENT.

- IN AN UNPRECEDENTED SHOW
OF SPINE... I MEAN, SPITE...

YOUR TEACHERS
HAVE ANNOUNCED A STRIKE.

HOWEVER, SCHOOL WILL CONTINUE
JUST AS BEFORE.

[students groan]

IT JUST
WON'T INVOLVE TEACHERS.

[chalk screeching]

- CLASS, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED

I'M NOT YOUR USUAL TEACHER.

- IF ONLY WE DIDN'T HAVE
OUR USUAL STUDENTS.

- FOR OUR FIRST LESSON,
LET'S LEARN EACH OTHER'S NAMES.

I'M MRS. STOLLER.

- GOT IT!

MAN, THIS CLASS
IS GONNA BE A BREEZE!

- AND YOU ARE?

- I'M THE Q.B.!

- POSTURE, CUBIE, POSTURE.

- WE THINK HE'S DOING VERY WELL,

CONSIDERING HOW HE MISSED OUT
ON EVOLUTION.

- AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR?

- DARIA.

- THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A HIPPIE NAME.

I THINK I'LL CALL YOU DARLENE.

SO MUCH PRETTIER.

All: WE NEED A LOT MORE MONEY!

THIS REALLY ISN'T FUNNY!

YOU DON'T PAY US ENOUGH
TO BUY HONEY!

- I DON'T KNOW.

THIS CHANT...

- IT SUCKS!

- HEY!

I THREW OUT THE RHYME
ABOUT THE BUNNY.

- UM, ANTHONY,

HAVEN'T MOST GREAT LABOR
MOVEMENTS THROUGHOUT HISTORY

FEATURED A STIRRING SONG?

- GREAT IDEA!

MAKE ONE UP!

- OH.
WELL, UM...

LET ME SEE.

♪ WELL,
I CAME TO SUNNY LAWNDALE ♪

♪ WITH A SMILE AND A DEGREE ♪

HMM, NO.

UH...
OH!

♪ I'VE BEEN TEACHING
HERE IN LAWNDALE ♪

♪ ON RATHER MODEST PAY ♪

NO, THAT'S NOT QUITE
FORCEFUL ENOUGH.

- TRUE LITERATURE
SHOULD INSPIRE US

TO SEEK NEW EXPERIENCES,
TO EXPLORE NEW SENSATIONS...

- MR. EDWARDS?

- CALL ME KEN.

- UM, KEN,
THIS IS ALMOST INTERESTING,

BUT SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE ONLY
THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER,

PERHAPS YOU CAN GIVE US
OUR BOOK ASSIGNMENTS,

AND WE CAN BE ON OUR WAY.

- AH, BUT WHAT TO ASSIGN?

YOU SEE,
THE ONLY BOOKS WORTH READING

ARE THOSE WRITTEN

IN THE DEEP,
PASSIONATE WATERS OF LIFE.

- SO LIKE JAWS?

- NO, NO,
LIKE THE NOVEL I'M WRITING.

IT'S ABOUT A SLIGHTLY OLDER,
SENSITIVE MAN

AND THE LOVE A BUDDING
WOMAN CHILD FEELS FOR HIM

WHEN SHE
GETS TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

- WHAT?

- SEE, LOVE CAN BE SO SIMPLE

WHEN THE HAND OF EXPERIENCE

NURTURES THE BUDDING FLOWER
TO FULL BLOSSOM.

- YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT
GARDENING?

- AND MY
LANGUAGE ARTS SUBSTITUTE

WOULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS
STUPID NOVEL HE'S WRITING

ABOUT SOME PROFESSOR WHO'S
DATING A BUDDING CHILD WOMAN

BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BLOSSOM HER.

- MM-HMM.

- AND THEN HE STARTED ACTING OUT
HIS STUPID BOOK FOR US,

STROKING TIFFANY'S HAIR

AND TELLING HER
ABOUT HIS ANGUISHED SOUL.

- MM-HMM.

WHAT?
HE WAS STROKING TIFFANY'S HAIR?

- I KNOW!

LIKE TIFFANY
WOULD EVER DATE SOMEONE

WHO WORE A TWEED JACKET.

- DARIA!
GET ME THE...

- THANK YOU.

- OH, TIFFANY.

TIFFANY.

I NEVER GOT TO HEAR YOU
CALL ME "KEN."

- ATTENTION!

WILL MISS DARIA MORGENDORFFER

PLEASE REPORT
TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.

NOW!

- DARLENE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO GET DARIA.

- IF SOMEONE ASKED ME

TO TEACH A CLASS,
I'D BE HONORED.

BESIDES,
WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS FIX

IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOUR MOTHER.

- YEAH.

HIRE ONE PEDOPHILE,

AND SHE GETS
ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE.

BESIDES, I'M NOT THINKING OF ME.

I'M THINKING OF THE CHILDREN.

- NOT SO FAST.

YOU'LL GET OUT OF GYM CLASS.

- YOU?
A SCAB?

- OH, GREAT.

TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.

- YOU'D BE
BETRAYING YOUR TEACHERS.

- HEY, YEAH!

YOU'D BE
BETRAYING YOUR TEACHERS.

- YOU'D JUST BE
FALLING INTO THE SAME TRAP

THAT MANAGEMENTS ALWAYS USE

TO KEEP WAGES LOW
AND WORKERS WEAK.

- OH, GO DANCE
ON THE HEAD OF A PIN.

YOU COULD MAKE QUINN'S LIFE
REALLY MISERABLE.

- HUH.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

- HEY, YOU HUNGRY?

- YEAH,
WE CAN PICK THIS UP LATER.

- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
I'M WAITING.

- THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME,

ESPECIALLY WITH TODAY BEING
THE FIRST DAY

OF CASHMAN'S
CRUISEWEAR CRAZINESS.

- ATTENTION, YOUNG PEOPLE!

MR. EDWARDS WILL NO LONGER
BE JOINING US, DUE TO...

REASONS.

- I HOPE IT'S NOT HIS ANGUISH
ACTING UP.

- BUT I AM PROUD TO INTRODUCE
A SUBSTITUTE

WITH TOLERABLE CREDENTIALS,

WHO IS FAR LESS LIABLE
TO ENGENDER A LAWSUIT

THAT COULD COST ME
MY VERY PANTS.

- HELLO.

MY NAME IS MISS DARLENE,
AND I'LL BE YOUR NEW TEACHER.

- LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

IT'S NOT EVERY STUDENT

WHO HAS ACCESS TO THEIR TEACHER
24 HOURS A DAY.

- BUT I DON'T WANT ACCESS.

HOME IS MY SANITARIUM
AWAY FROM SCHOOL.

- DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN JUST

DO OUR PARENT-TEACHER
CONFERENCES HERE?

HELLO, FREE TIME
FOR MODEL RAILROADING!

- MORNING, MOM, DAD... CLASS.

- MO-OM!

UGH!

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

- IT'S HER GRADES,
OR RATHER, IT WILL BE.

- DARIA...
- WHOO! WHOO!

ALL ABOARD THE BIG JAKE EXPRESS!

- "NOW, CLASS,

LET'S CHECK THE EVENNESS
OF YOUR BOX STITCH."

NO.

NO.
NEVER AGAIN!

- ♪ ON TOP OF OUR PAYCHECKS ♪

♪ RIGHT UNDER THE DATE ♪

♪ THERE SITS A SMALL NUMBER ♪

♪ WE'VE ALL GROWN TO HATE ♪

I DON'T KNOW.

HATE IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD.

- COOL TUNE, MAN.

CLASSIC FEEL.

- WAIT.
I KNOW YOU!

- YOU'RE ON SPIRAL'S
MAILING LIST?

- NO,
YOU WERE ONE OF MY STUDENTS.

TRENT LANE.

- UM...

- TRENT, DO YOU REMEMBER

HOW YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
USED TO WRITE

"DOWN WITH THE MAN" ON MY CAR
WITH SOAP?

- JUST LET IT GO, MAN.

I MEAN, BYGONES, RIGHT?

- WELL, TRENT,

TODAY "THE MAN"
IS COMING DOWN ON US,

THE UNDERPAID TEACHERS
OF LAWNDALE HIGH,

AND WE COULD REALLY USE THE HELP
OF A TALENTED SONGWRITER.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- THIS IS A CHANCE
TO FOCUS YOUR ENERGY

ON A CAUSE
WORTHY OF YOUR TALENT,

YOUR KNOWLEDGE, YOUR VIRTUOSITY!

- I DON'T HAVE TO READ MUSIC,
DO I?

- NO.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

TRENT'S ACTUALLY ON TIME
TO PICK US UP,

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
SET HIS CLOCK AHEAD FOUR HOURS.

- I DON'T THINK HE'S ADJUSTED
TO THE TIME CHANGE.

HE APPEARS TO BE WRITING A SONG
WITH MR. O'NEILL.

- HE'S TOO GOOD-NATURED.

IF A TEACHER TRIED TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME LIKE THAT,

I'D TELL THEM
RIGHT WHERE TO STICK IT.

- JANE, THANK GOD.

WE NEED YOUR TASTE AND TALENT.

- GO ON, JANE,

OFFER THAT PIECE
OF FRIENDLY ADVICE

YOU JUST MENTIONED.

- MS. BARCH'S SIGNS?

WELL, THEY AREN'T REALLY
GETTING OUR MESSAGE ACROSS.

COULD YOU HELP US DESIGN
SOME STRONG GRAPHIC STATEMENTS?

I'LL WRITE A NOTE
TO GET YOU OUT OF CLASS.

OH, WAIT, I GUESS I CAN'T.

- NO, BUT THE SCAB CAN.

- GEE, THANKS, MR. HOFFA.

- ♪ YOUR SALARY OFFENDS ME ♪

♪ YOUR HEALTH PLAN... ♪

- "DOESN'T MEND ME?"

- YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY,

WE CAN JUST STOP RIGHT NOW.

- AND SO THE PEOPLE
ASKED GEORGE WASHINGTON,

"WILL YOU BE OUR NEW KING?"

AND WASHINGTON SAID...

YOUNG LADY, YOU'RE TARDY.

- GEE, HE WASN'T VERY FOCUSED.

- I HAVE A NOTE FROM A TEACHER.

- "PLEASE EXCUSE JANE
FROM CLASS.

SIGNED: MISS DARLENE."

WELL, ON YOUR WAY, THEN.

- OKAY.

WE KNOW MR. O'NEILL
ASSIGNED A PLAY,

AND YOU'RE PRETTY SURE THE TITLE

DIDN'T CONTAIN THE WORD "ALIEN."

DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE?

- UH, I THINK THE GUY
ON THE COVER WAS WEARING TIGHTS.

- HMM.

SINCE THERE ARE NO WRESTLING
DRAMAS ON THE SYLLABUS,

I'M GUESSING SHAKESPEARE.

- WAIT, I REMEMBER NOW.

HE'S A STALKER.

HE FOLLOWS GIRLS HOME
FROM PARTIES

AND PEEKS IN THEIR WINDOWS.

- ROMEO AND JULIET.

[bell rings]

- A CLASSROOM FULL OF
BLANK FACES IS A LITTLE SPOOKY,

UNTIL YOU PLANT YOUR FEET
AND STARE THEM DOWN.

- YOU KNOW, APES INTERPRET THAT
AS A GESTURE OF DOMINANCE.

- THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID.

- HELLO, MS. MORGENDORFFER!

HOW LOVELY YOU LOOK TODAY.

- HEY, DARIA,
COULD YOU WRITE ME A NOTE

THAT SAYS I DIDN'T PUT THAT DENT
IN MY DAD'S CAR?

- AND CAN WE HAVE ONE
TO GET OUT OF CLASS

SO WE CAN MAKE OUT...

SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATIONS?

- [grumbling]

- NICE.
NICE.

REMEMBER, NOTHING SAYS,
"DEATH TO THE BOSSES!"

LIKE PRIMARIES.

PASTELS ARE FOR APPEASENIKS.

Both: ♪ HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ♪

♪ TO THE CHILDREN'S ZOO? ♪

♪ WHEN THE BIRDIES
SAY "CHEEP" ♪

♪ THEY'RE TALKING 'BOUT YOU ♪

NAH.

- GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!

I JUST CAME
FROM MS. LI'S OFFICE,

AND SHE'S MADE A FINAL OFFER.

A .08% PAY HIKE
AND FREE NON-DAIRY CREAMER!

AND ANTHONY, SHE SAYS YOU CAN
PUT AWAY YOUR SEWING KIT.

SO WHAT DOES EVERYONE SAY?

[all agreeing]

ANTHONY,
IS SOMETHING THE MATTER?

- MY DEAR MRS. BENNETT,

AS AN INFORMED CONSUMER,

YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT NON-DAIRY CREAMER

OFFERS NO SUSTENANCE WHATSOEVER

AND NEITHER DOES THAT OFFER!

THIS IS THE CONTRACT WE WROTE,

AND THIS IS THE CONTRACT
SHE'S GOING TO SIGN!

COVER ME, BOYS.

I'M GOING IN!

- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR,
JANE?

- BOMBERS.

HE'LL NEVER MAKE IT
WITHOUT AIR SUPPORT.

- "FOR NEVER WAS A STORY
OF MORE WOE

"THAN THIS OF JULIET AND HER...

ROMEO."

- THANK YOU, JOEY, JEFFY,
OR JAMIE.

LAURENCE OLIVIER,
IN HIS PRESENT STATE,

COULDN'T HAVE DONE BETTER.

- COOL.
- WHAT DOES "WOE" MEAN?

- IT LIKE THE FEELING YOU'D GET

IF THE SUPER BOWL WERE PREEMPTED
BY ANTIQUES ROADSHOW.

- WHOA!

- SEE?

- QUINN, ARE YOU TAKING NOTES?

- UM, NO.

I'M JUST, UH, WRITING
SO THAT GIRL

THINKS I'M PAYING ATTENTION
WHEN I'M NOT REALLY.

- WHO CARES
WHAT A TEACHER THINKS?

THEY'RE SUCH LOSERS.

- YEAH.
EWW.

- SHE'S NOT A REAL TEACHER,
SANDI.

SHE'S A SUBSTITUTE.

- OH.
A SUBSTITUTE LOSER.

- OKAY.

YOU'VE READ THE PLAY.

TOMORROW YOU TAKE THE TEST.

[all grumbling]

SORRY.

ORDERS FROM ABOVE.

I'D SUGGEST
YOU CHEAT OFF YOUR NEIGHBORS,

BUT CONSIDERING WHO MOST OF YOU
ARE SITTING NEXT TO...

- QUINN, I HOPE THAT SUBSTITUTE
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING EXCUSES FOR

WON'T BE HOLDING US TO THE SAME
RIGID GRADING STANDARDS

AS EVERYONE ELSE.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD REMIND HER
HOW POPULAR WE ARE.

- BUT SHE'S WEIRD.

I DON'T THINK SHE EVEN CARES
ABOUT POPULAR PEOPLE.

- SEE, THERE YOU GO,
STICKING UP FOR HER AGAIN.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU TWO
SHARE SOME DEEP, DARK SECRET

THAT MIGHT INADVERTENTLY
COME OUT

IF TOMORROW'S TEST
PROVES TOO DIFFICULT.

- HEY,
HOW ABOUT ASKING THEM THIS:

IF VERONA
HAD HAD METAL DETECTORS,

WOULD MERCUTIO BE ALIVE TODAY?

- IF HE WERE,
HE'D BE ABOUT 400 YEARS OLD.

- THAT'S WHY
THEY'LL ALL GET IT WRONG.

TRICK QUESTION, YEAH!

- GEE, I WONDER WHY NO ONE'S
EVER ASKED YOU TO TEACH A CLASS.

- DARIA,
YOU KNOW THE TEST TOMORROW?

IT'S GOING TO BE EASY, RIGHT?

BECAUSE IF YOU MAKE IT
REALLY HARD,

SOME POPULAR PEOPLE
WON'T LIKE IT

AND MIGHT TAKE IT OUT

ON ANOTHER COMPLETELY INNOCENT
POPULAR PERSON.

AND BESIDES,
IT'S GOOD TO HELP THE POPULAR,

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,

IT MIGHT MAKE YOU
EVEN MORE UNPOPULAR.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW
IF SUCH A THING IS POSSIBLE.

- OOH,
WOULDN'T WANT TO RISK THAT.

- SO YOU'LL DO IT?

- RIGHT AFTER
I CHANGE INTO MY FUR BIKINI.

- DARIA!

- YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T ASK
FOR THIS STUPID TEACHING JOB.

I DON'T NEED THE WORK,
AND I DON'T NEED THE STIGMA.

I'VE TRIED
TO MAKE THE CLASS INTERESTING

AND FOCUS ON THE PLAY,
NOT THE GRADES.

AND IF, AFTER ALL THAT,

THE ONLY THING YOUR VAPID
FRIENDS CAN THINK ABOUT

IS HOW TO FINESSE
TAKING THE TEST,

THEN THEY DESERVE TO FAIL IT.

- DARIA, DO YOU WANT EVERYONE
TO HATE YOU?

- HEY, WHY SHOULD YOU GO OUT OF
YOUR WAY TO PROTECT THE STUPID?

YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THEM.

- I... I...

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!

- HMM, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD MAKE IT EASY.

GIVE THE POOR KIDS A BREAK.

- I LIED ABOUT THE FUR BIKINI.

- DAMN.

- STUPID SMOKE PELLETS
GET STUCK SO DAMN EASY.

DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE
REAL SMOKE.

HEY, QUINN!
YOU GOT A HAT PIN?

- A WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR YOUR CRAZY JOKES, DAD.

I HAVE TO STUDY
FOR THIS STUPID TEST

DARIA IS MAKING US TAKE
ON ROMEO AND JULIET.

- HEY!
I REMEMBER THAT PLAY.

SIT DOWN.

LET OLD JAKEY
HELP YOU WITH YOUR STUDIES.

- [sighs]

- NOW, IF I RECALL,
ROMEO MEETS JULIET

BY THIS BIG, BUBBLY CAULDRON...

- NO, DAD, SHE'S AT THIS PARTY

HE CRASHES
WITH HIS FRIEND MERCUTIO.

- RIGHT!
THE LITTLE WOODEN BOY.

- NO, DAD, HE'S ROMEO'S PAL,

BUT HE GETS STABBED TO DEATH
BY TYBALT.

- TYBALT?
TYBALT?

- SO ROMEO KILLS TYBALT.

AND THEN JULIET'S DAD
SAYS SHE HAS TO MARRY PARIS,

SO SHE PRETENDS SHE'S DEAD...

- TYBALT SOUNDS
LIKE THE NAME OF A ROCK.

- AND WHEN PARIS SEES HER...

WAIT.

I KNOW THIS STUFF!

UM, GOT TO GO.
THANKS.

- ANY TIME.

PARIS?

WAIT, THAT'S
NOT ROMEO AND JULIET.

THAT'S THE PINK PANTHER!

DAMN SMOKE PELLET!

WHERE DID I PUT THAT HAT PIN?

[whistles]

- DON'T THINK
YOU CAN INTIMIATE...

INTERMOLATE...

DON'T THINK YOU CAN SCARE ME

WITH YOUR THREAT
TO PICKET NAKED.

- YOU THINK I'M BLUFFING?

THIS IS GOODWILL POLYESTER
I'VE BEEN SWEATING IN ALL NIGHT.

I WANT TO PICKET NAKED!

- ALL RIGHT.

A 2% RAISE AND A SPACE HEATER
FOR THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.

- BOY!

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE!

- NOW, CLASS, SIT UP STRAIGHT,

AND NO TALKING
WHILE YOU TAKE YOUR TEST.

- "NAME THE COLORS
ON THE AMERICAN FLAG."

HEY, NO FAIR!

YOU DIDN'T SAY
WE HAD TO KNOW THAT.

- CUBIE, YOU HUSH.

AND POSTURE, CUBIE, POSTURE.

- YES, JAMIE, JOEY, OR JEFFY?

- UM, MY TEST
ONLY HAS ONE QUESTION ON IT.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

"WHAT IS
ROMEO AND JULIET ABOUT?"

JUST WRITE WHAT YOU THINK
AND BACK IT UP.

200 WORDS, MINIMUM.

- AN ESSAY TEST?

- 200 WORDS?

- THINK?

- ♪ YOU CALL THIS
COMPENSATION? ♪

♪ YOU KEEP YOUR LONG VACATION ♪

♪ YOU'RE FORCING US
TO SALARY ARBITRATION ♪

♪ MAMA SAID STRIKE YOU OUT ♪

♪ YEAH! ♪

[cheers and applause]

- MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SONG,
ANTHONY?

ANTHONY?

OH, MY GOSH!

HE'S STILL UP THERE WITH MS. LI!

ANTHONY?
ANGELA?

ANY PROGRESS?

- OH, NO,
THEY'VE KILLED EACH OTHER!

DEAR GOD,
WHEN WILL THE MADNESS STOP?

- OH, PUFFY,
YOU DON'T NEED A WEAPON

TO MAKE ME DO YOUR BIDDING.

HUH?
WHAT?

- OH, THEY'RE NOT DEAD.

- WHAT A RELIEF.

GET UP!
- [grunts]

- THANK GOD.

I THOUGHT I SIGNED THE CONTRACT,

BUT IT WAS JUST A BAD DREAM.

- I KNEW IT!

[sobs]

BUT IT SEEMED SO REAL.

AND YOU WERE THERE,

AND YOU, AND YOU!

- WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?

GIVE ME THAT!

- THE CONTRACT!

ANTHONY, YOU DID IT!

- HERE ARE YOUR TESTS.

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
WRITTEN SO MANY "A" s.

YOU'RE THE SMARTEST AND BIGGEST
FIRST GRADERS I'VE EVER HAD.

- THANKS!

- WHAT A SURPRISE.

AN "A" AND A SILVER STAR.

- DON'T GET
TOO FULL OF YOURSELF.

I GOT A GOLD STAR.

- I GOT A GOLD STAR TOO
AND A "C."

OH...

RED, WHITE, AND BLUE!

- HEY, NO FAIR!

HOW COME BRITTANY GOT A STAR
AND I DIDN'T?

- BOYS WITH BAD POSTURE
DON'T GET STARS.

AND, CUBIE, IT'S NOT NICE
TO TRY TO FOOL THE TEACHER

BY SIGNING YOUR TEST "KEVIN."

- A "B!"

YOU MEAN YOU THINK MERCUTIO
HAD A THING FOR ROMEO TOO?

- NO,
BUT YOU ARGUED YOUR POINT WELL,

AND I THOUGHT YOUR IDEAS

FOR KEEPING HIM OUT OF
THE LOCKER ROOM WERE ORIGINAL,

IF A LITTLE CLOSED-MINDED.

- A "D" MINUS?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
QUINN WOULD FAIL US.

- I SHOULD HAVE FAILED YOU TOO.

SEE, IN SHAKESPEARE'S VERSION,

ROMEO NEVER GOES BY THE NAME
LEONARDO

OR TAKES A SWIM IN HIS CLOTHES,

BUT I GAVE YOU EXTRA CREDIT

FOR REALIZING
THAT THE MOVIE AND THE PLAY

WERE SOMEHOW CONNECTED.

- I GUESS WE SHOULDN'T HAVE
COPIED EACH OTHER.

- HEY!

- GEE, QUINN.

WHAT A SURPRISE
YOU GOT A "B" PLUS.

I GUESS HAVING
A CERTAIN RELATIONSHIP

WITH A CERTAIN TEACHER
REALLY PAID OFF.

- UM, SANDI, I THOUGHT SHE WAS
FAIRLY EASY ON THE GRADING,

AS LONG AS YOU TRIED TO THINK
FOR YOURSELF.

- OH, REALLY?

I GUESS EVERYTHING'S RELATIVE.

- SANDI, EVER SINCE
THEY ASKED THIS GIRL

TO TAKE OVER THE CLASS
FROM THAT CREEPY GUY

WHO WANTED TO FERTILIZE TIFFANY,

IT SEEMS TO ME
ALL SHE TRIED TO DO

WAS MAKE THE BEST
OF A BAD SITUATION.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
CUT HER SOME SLACK.

- SEE?

THERE SHE GOES,
TAKING SIDES AGAIN.

YOU TWO
ARE SO NICE TO EACH OTHER,

YOU'RE ALMOST LIKE SISTERS.

- I'M NOT TAKING ANYONE'S SIDE,
SANDI.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT SOMETIMES

PEOPLE GET PUT
IN AWKWARD POSITIONS.

LIKE A GIRL WHO HAS TO WEAR
HUGE BRACES IN FIFTH GRADE,

AND YEARS LATER HER BROTHERS
FIND PICTURES OF HER WITH THEM

AND GIVE THOSE PICTURES
TO A FRIEND,

WHO HASN'T SHOWN THEM TO ANYONE

OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF HER HEART...

YET.

- OH.

- BESIDES,

WHY SHOULDN'T I
ACT SISTERLY TOWARDS HER?

AFTER ALL...

SHE'S MY SISTER.

- [gasps]

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

OH, MY GOSH!

QUINN JUST ADMITTED

THAT WEIRD GIRL IS HER SISTER.

- WELL, UM,
OF COURSE SHE IS, SANDI.

WE KNEW THAT.

- WE WERE JUST
BEING POLITE ABOUT IT.

- PEOPLE OF MARS!

I MEAN,
STUDENTS OF LAWNDALE HIGH.

THIS IS YOUR LEADER...

UM, PRINCIPAL.

WHAT WAS I SAYING?

OH!

THE TEACHERS...
THE TEACHERS...

THE STRIKE'S OVER!

YOUR TEACHERS
WILL BE BACK TOMORROW!

GOOD NI... DAY.

- UM... MISS DARLENE?

I THINK YOU WERE, UM...

YOU WERE A PRETTY GOOD TEACHER.

- THANKS, JAMIE, JEFFY, OR JOEY.

FOR THE RECORD, SOME OF YOU
AREN'T HALF-BAD STUDENTS.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

[brooding music]

- IT'S QUITE A WEB SIGHT

WHEN CIVIL WAR BUFFS
GET IN THE BUFF.

WWW.GETTYSBARE,

NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- I ALREADY TOLD YOU,

I'M NOT SIGNING YOUR
NATIONAL RAYON DAY PETITION.

- UM...
YOU KNOW THAT GRADE YOU GAVE ME?

SANDI SAYS I ONLY GOT IT

BECAUSE YOU'RE
ALWAYS AT MY HOUSE.

IS THAT TRUE?

- LET ME POSE YOU A QUESTION,
GRASSHOPPER.

IF I GAVE YOU A GRADE
THAT YOU DIDN'T EARN,

THAT WOULD BE ACTING NICE.

COULD I FACE MYSELF
IF I WERE EVER NICE TO YOU?

- REALLY?
I THOUGHT SO.

AND BY THE WAY, DON'T THINK

I COULD EVER BE NICE TO
YOU EITHER.

- I'M FULLY AWARE OF THAT.

- GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT THIS
LITTLE FORAY OF YOURS

INTO TEACHER GEEKLAND COST ME
IN SOCIAL STATUS.

- I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

- WELL, GOOD NIGHT, THEN.

- GOOD NIGHT...

SIS.

- YES!

I ENDURED.

MY WITS DIDN'T FAIL.

MY STRENGTH DIDN'T FAIL.

I DIDN'T FAIL!

I GOT THAT CONTRACT.

AND IF I CAN DO THAT,
I CAN DO ANYTHING...

EVEN TEACH KEVIN.

SO TELL ME, SONNY BOY,

WHICH WAR FREED US FROM
THE IRON HAND OF BRITISH RULE?

- IRON...

IRON...

THE GOLF WAR?

- [weeping]

- MR. DEMARTINO?

DO YOU WANT TO SHARE?

- THE JOY OF TEACHING

DIDN'T LAST VERY LONG
WITH THIS ONE.

- YOU GOT TO GRAB IT
WHILE YOU CAN.

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ ♪