Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 3 - Fat Like Me - full transcript

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ THIS IS MY STOP ♪

♪ GOT TO GET OFF ♪

♪ I MAY GO POP ♪

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

[whistle blows]

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE DIRECT ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ IF I'M WRONG,
PLEASE CORRECT ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ YOU'RE STANDING
ON MY NECK ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ YOU'RE STANDING
ON MY NECK ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ YOU'RE STANDING
ON MY NECK ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

- THEN IT'S UNANIMOUS.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
WILL THE FASHION CLUB

ACCEPT APPLICANTS
WITH STUBBY FINGERTIPS.

STACY, WHAT IS THE NEXT
MEMBERSHIP QUALIFICATION

ON OUR AGENDA?

- WEIGHT GUIDELINES,
UNLESS YOU WANT

TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

- IF IT'S ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, STACY,

I'D PREFER TO CONDUCT THIS
MEETING IN AN ORDERLY FASHION.

THAT SAID,
I MOVE WE SCALE BACK

THE NUMBER OF ALLOWABLE POUNDS
BY THREE.

- UM, SANDY, I THINK
IT'S A REALLY CUTE IDEA AND ALL,

BUT IT MIGHT MAKE IT REALLY HARD
TO FIND NEW MEMBERS.

- OBVIOUSLY I'M THE ONLY ONE
IN THIS ROOM CONCERNED

WITH THE BURGEONING
OBESITY PROBLEM

TEARING APART THE VERY FABRIC
OF OUR LAND.

- NOT THE FABRIC.

- IF I MUST STAND ALONE

IN SETTING EXEMPLARY STANDARDS
FOR OTHERS TO FOLLOW,

SO BE IT.

YOU'RE ALL OVERRULED.

NEXT TOPIC.

- THAT'S MINE.
GIVE IT BACK.

- FORGET IT, JERKO.

- UM, THE NEXT TOPIC
IS EYELASH DENSITY.

- YOU SUCK.
- YOU SUCK.

- EXCUSE ME.

- OH.
- OW.

- SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BRATS.

- GIVE ME THE REMOTE.

[buttons beeping]

[truck whirring]

- OH.

Snap!

MY LEG.

IT'S BROKEN.

- WOW, YOU WERE RIGHT.

THERE REALLY ARE
MORE ZOO ZOO DROPS IN A BOX

THAN JUICY JOES.

- I'M JUST GRATEFUL FOR
THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENLIGHTEN.

NOW PAY UP.

- GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO WIN MY MONEY BACK FIRST?

SEE KEVIN OVER THERE?

I BET THIS FIVE
THAT WITHIN TEN MINUTES,

HE'LL STUN AND AMAZE HIS FRIENDS
BY CRUSHING A CAN TO HIS HEAD.

- NAH, IT'S MORE OF A "COVERING
HIS EYES WITH PEPPERONIS

AND PRETENDING HE'S BLIND"
KIND OF A DAY.

- YOU'RE ON.

- I'M BLIND.
I'M BLIND.

- WHOO-HOO.
ALL RIGHT.

- YEAH.

- SO MANY TALENTS.

HE REALLY SHOULD RUN OFF
AND JOIN THE CIRCUS.

- OR JUST RUN OFF.

- AND THE DOCTOR SAID
SANDY'S LEG WILL BE IN A CAST

FOR AT LEAST A MONTH.

POOR SANDY.

CRUTCHES DON'T GO
WITH ANYTHING.

- THAT'S THE SAME THING
THOSE LAND MINE VICTIMS

ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT.

- DAMN IT!

THIS ARTICLE SAYS

RESTAURANTS WON'T SERVE
MEAT RARE ANYMORE.

SOME CRAP ABOUT
GASTROENTEROLOGICAL DISORDERS.

- BUT, JAKE,
YOU ORDER WELL DONE ANYWAY.

- ONCE IN A WHILE, A MAN WANTS
A SLAB OF BLOODY RED STEAK!

- ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING?

- OH, HI, QUINN.
DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

- FINE;
IF NO ONE CARES,

THEN I'LL JUST GO
TO MY ROOM.

- QUINN, COME BACK.

OF COURSE WE WANT
TO HEAR ABOUT STACY.

- SANDY!

AND THEN I SAID, "YOU CAN'T
WEAR SNEAKERS TO CHEZ PIERRE."

AND HE SAID
HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

- YOU KNOW, A GUY ONCE TOOK ME
TO A CHAIN RESTAURANT.

- NO.
TELL US ABOUT IT.

- REALLY?

[phone rings]

- HELLO?

SANDY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

- HOW DO YOU THINK I'M FEELING?

I CAN'T EVEN GIVE MYSELF
A PEDICURE

WITH THIS STUPID CAST.

- SO THEN IT'S GOOD
THAT YOU CAN'T GO OUT.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT

TO HAVE THIS MEETING
AT YOUR HOUSE?

- YES, I'M SURE,

UNLESS IT'S TOO CONFUSING
FOR YOU

TO FOLLOW WHAT I'M SAYING
FROM THIS SPEAKERPHONE.

- DON'T BE SILLY, SANDY.

- SILLY?

GEE, QUINN,

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
YOU'D LIKE TO CALL ME

WHILE I'M NOT THERE
TO DEFEND MYSELF IN PERSON?

- WHAT I MEANT WAS... [beeping]

- EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE A CALL.

IT'S CASHMANS.

I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

[all sigh]

- POOR SANDY.

TOO BAD SHE'S NOT HERE.

I'VE REALLY MISSED HER
THESE PAST FEW WEEKS.

- UH, YEAH.

- YEAH.

- BRITTANY,
WOULD YOU CARE TO TELL US

SOME OF THE FACTORS LEADING UP
TO THE GREAT DEPRESSION?

- UM, WHEN PEOPLE REALIZED
THEY HAD NO MONEY,

THEY GOT REALLY DEPRESSED?

- BRITTANY, EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

DO YOU PERHAPS HARBOR
A POWERFUL PHOBIA

THAT IT MIGHT ACTUALLY HURT
TO THINK?

- UM, I THINK
THAT'S PRONOUNCED PHEE-BIA.

- WOULD ANYONE ELSE
CARE TO BROADCAST

THEIR COMPLETE LACK
OF EDUCATION?

- BET YOU TEN
HE'LL SAY "IMBECILES."

- I'M GONNA GO WITH "MORONS."

- I SEE.

PERHAPS IT'S MY OWN STUPIDITY

THAT ALLOWS ME TO THINK
I COULD ACTUALLY IMPART WISDOM

TO A BUNCH OF...

- SAY IT.
- STARTS WITH AN "M."

- IMBECILIC MORONS!

- YOU KNOW, THESE LITTLE BETS
HAVE COST YOU 40 CLAMS SO FAR.

IF I HAD A SELF-IMAGE,

I'D THINK YOU WERE BRIBING ME
TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

- BET YOU THE WHOLE 40 I'M NOT.

- NICE TRY.

- WAIT.
CLAMS?

- GUYS, GUYS, JACKIE IS WEARING
GREEN SHOES WITH YELLOW SOCKS.

- I NEVER DID LIKE HER.

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- I KNOW.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

- NO.
I MEAN, IT'S SANDY.

SHE'S COME BACK TO SCHOOL.

- AND SHE'S...

- FAAAAAAT.

- GEE, TIFFANY,
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE?

IT'LL LAST LONGER.

- BUT I DON'T HAVE A CAMERA.

- I MEAN,
YOU CAN STOP STARING AT ME.

- WE WEREN'T STARING.

WE WERE, UM, LOOKING
AT YOUR SKIRT.

IT LOOKS REALLY CUTE
OVER THAT CAST.

- YOU CAN HARDLY TELL
YOU'VE GAINED...

A CAST.

- HI, GUYS.

- QUINN, YOU SPOKE TO US.

- CAN I WALK YOU TO CLASS?

- NO, ME.
- NO, ME.

- COME ON, JEFFY.
- GUYS, LOOK WHO'S BACK.

SANDY.

- THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

I'M RUINED.

WHY ME?
OH, GOD, WHY ME?

[pants]

- SANDY WASN'T IN
MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS EITHER,

SO SHE MUST HAVE LEFT SCHOOL.

GEE, I HOPE IT DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH...

WELL, YOU KNOW.

NOT THAT SHE LOOKS THAT BAD.

- I KNOW; SHE LOOKS REALLY GOOD
FOR A FAT PERSON.

SHE COULD INSPIRE FAT PEOPLE.

- STACY, I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD USE THE "F" WORD

WHEN TALKING ABOUT SANDY.

- RIGHT; SHE COULD INSPIRE

THE THINLY CHALLENGED
EVERYWHERE.

LIKE, TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD
IN A WINNEBAGO

AND SHOW PEOPLE YOU CAN BE FAT...
DIFFERENTLY WEIGHTED

AND STILL HAVE
GREAT COLOR SENSE.

- UM, STACY,
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

SANDY.

SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

- QUINN?
QUINN?

BUT, QUINN,
I DIDN'T SAY "FAT."

- QUINN, YOU'RE SO LUCKY
YOU HAVE YOUR THINNESS.

- OH, SANDY, YOU'RE NOT THAT
NOT THAT THIN.

- IT'S SWEET OF YOU
TO SAY THAT, QUINN.

THANK YOU FOR BEING
MY BEST FRIEND.

- SANDY, I...

- AND AS MY BEST FRIEND,

I WANT YOU TO BE THE FIRST
TO KNOW THAT OUT OF RESPECT

TO THE FASHION CLUB'S
STRINGENT OBESITY POLICY,

I AM RESIGNING
THE PRESIDENCY.

- SANDY, YOU CAN'T RESIGN.

- PLEASE, QUINN,
THIS IS PAINFUL ENOUGH AS IT IS.

ALL I ASK IS THAT AFTER
YOU ASSUME THE PRESIDENCY,

YOU'LL TRY TO REMEMBER ME
AS I USED TO BE.

- ME?
PRESIDENT?

- I'M JUST GRATEFUL
I'M BEING REPLACED

BY SOMEONE WHO TRULY EXCELS
IN ACCESSORIZING.

- SANDY, I COULD
NEVER REPLACE YOU.

- REALLY?
- OF COURSE NOT, YOU'RE...

- QUINN, THAT'S THE NICEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER SAID TO ME,

REFUSING THE PRESIDENCY

OUT OF RESPECT
FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP.

- UH, WHAT I MEAN IS,

I COULDN'T DO THE JOB
JUST LIKE YOU.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

IF I LIVE ANOTHER 20 YEARS,

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO EXPRESS
THE GRATITUDE I FEEL

FOR YOUR UNWAVERING DEVOTION.

I HUMBLY ACCEPT
YOUR RESIGNATION.

- UM, DON'T MENTION IT.

- MEET THE PSYCHIC NAZI HUNTER

WHO SAYS THE FUEHRER
HAS BEEN REINCARNATED

AS A MADCAP LEGGY BLONDE.

THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT HITLER TONIGHT

ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU NOW?

- STILL 40.

- CLAMS?
- SIMOLEONS.

TRY TO KEEP UP.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE
WHAT HAPPENED.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
SAVE YOUR BREATH.

- SANDY RESIGNED FROM THE
FASHION CLUB BECAUSE SHE'S FAT,

AND THEN I HAD TO RESIGN
TO SHOW SANDY MY SUPPORT,

ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN
TO RESIGN.

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY THERE
COULD EVEN BE A FASHION CLUB

WITHOUT ME AND SANDY.

- UM, QUINN,
IT'S ME, DARIA.

- [gasps]

- DID I HEAR RIGHT,
THE DEATH OF THE FASHION CLUB?

THEN AT LAST,
THE PEOPLE SHALL BE FREE.

- NOT LIKELY.

THAT CLUB'S LIKE A HYDRA.

YOU CUT OFF ONE AIRHEAD,
TWO MORE GROW BACK.

- HMM, CARE TO PUT
A WAGER ON THAT,

SAY, 40 PIASTERS?

- MAKE IT SPONDULICKS.

- DAMN IT, DARIA.

SPECIAL ORDERS MY FOOT.

MEDIUM, MEDIUM, MEDIUM.

OUR FREEDOM OF CHOICE
IS GONE.

- QUINN, DAD'S HERE,

AND HE WANTS TO HEAR
ALL ABOUT SANDY.

- BEFORE WE BEGIN THE MEETING,
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

SANDY HAS RESIGNED
FROM THE FASHION CLUB.

- QUINN, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

NOT THAT WE SHOULDN'T RESPECT
HER DECISION.

- YEAH, THAT'S AWFUL.

OH, WELL.

- SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T EVEN
COME BACK TO SCHOOL

BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH
TO WALK IN HER CAST.

- SO IF YOU'RE
THE VICE PRESIDENT,

AND SANDY'S RESIGNED,

THEN YOU MUST BE
THE NEW PRESIDENT.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

- WELL, ACTUALLY...

- SO WHAT'S THE FIRST ITEM
OF BUSINESS, PRESIDENT QUINN,

THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER?

- LONG LIVE THE QUINN.

HEY.

- GUYS, STOP IT.

I'M RESIGNING TOO.

- WHAT?
- OH, NO.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID,
SOMETHING I DID?

- NO, STACY.

SEE, I KIND OF HAD
TO PROMISE SANDY I'D RESIGN.

TIFFANY, I GUESS
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT NOW,

AND, STACY,
YOU'RE VICE PRESIDENT.

- QUINN, YOU CAN'T GO.

WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT YOU?

- YOU'RE GONNA CARRY ON
THE FASHION CLUB MISSION.

YOU'LL STOP
THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED

FROM WEARING
REALLY FAT STRIPES,

POINT OUT ICKY FIBERS
TO ICKY FIBERS WEARERS,

AND FIGHT FROSTED SHADOWS
WHEREVER YOU GO,

UNLESS IT'S AT A COSTUME PARTY.

YOU'LL HOLD YOURSELVES UP TO
THE HIGHEST STANDARDS POSSIBLE,

NO ANKLE BOOT TOO POINTY,

NO CHARTREUSE TOO CHARTREUSE-Y,

AND NO MOCK TURTLENECK
TOO MOCKY.

AND FINALLY,
YOU WILL NEVER, EVER DATE

ANYONE LESS ATTRACTIVE
THAN YOU ARE,

ALTHOUGH EQUALLY ATTRACTIVE
IS OKAY.

- [sobs]

- MY SOURCES TELL ME THAT,
THOUGH DIMINISHED BY HALF,

THE SOLDIERS OF STYLE
BATTLE ON.

- HUH?
- THE FASHION CLUB STILL EXISTS.

GIVE ME MY 40 GEORGE Ws.

- DARIA, PLEASE.

THESE GIRLS AREN'T THE SWIFTEST
BOATS IN THE CURRENT.

GIVE THEM SOME TIME TO REALIZE
THAT THEY'VE BROKEN UP.

- YOU'RE NOT TRYING
TO WEASEL OUT OF PAYING ME?

- NO, JUST MAKING SURE
YOU DON'T THINK

I'M BUYING YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

- MMM.

- COME ON, TIFFANY.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

START THE MEETING
AND PICK A TOPIC ALREADY.

- TOPIC?

- YOU KNOW,
LIKE SANDY USED TO.

SHE'D SAY SOMETHING
LIKE NAIL DECALS,

AND QUINN WOULD SAY
THEY'RE PASSE,

AND SANDY WOULD ASK QUINN
IF SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN PASSE AND RETRO,

AND QUINN WOULD EXPLAIN
WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY,

AND THEN SANDY WOULD MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT TOPIC.

- HMM, TOPIC.

I KNOW.

HOW ABOUT FASHION?

- UM, MAYBE IF WE TRIED
BEGGING QUINN TO COME BACK.

BUT, QUINN, YOU HAVE TO RETURN
TO THE FASHION CLUB.

WE NEED YOU.

- REALLY NEED YOU.

- GUYS, I WOULD IF I COULD,
BUT I CAN'T

'CAUSE I PROMISED SANDY.

- BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.

PLEASE?

- OKAY, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, QUINN.

- OR IS IT 16 TIMES
TO THE RIGHT?

- BRITTANY,
LET ME ASK A HYPOTHET...

MAKE-BELIEVE QUESTION.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF YOU FOUND OUT ANGIE

WENT ON A DATE WITH KEVIN?

- BUT ANGIE
WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME.

SHE'S MY FRIEND.

- AND FRIENDS DON'T GO
BEHIND OTHER FRIENDS' BACKS,

DO THEY?

I KNEW THIS GIRL WHO WENT
BEHIND HER FRIEND'S BACK

AND FELT SO GUILTY ABOUT IT,

SHE ENDED UP
IN AN INSANE ASYLUM,

AND THEY MADE HER WEAR
DRAWSTRING PANTS

AND A BIG PLASTIC BRACELET.

- SERVES HER RIGHT,
THE BACKSTABBER.

- ANYHOO, THANKS FOR
STRAIGHTENING THAT OUT FOR ME.

- OOH, I CAN'T BELIEVE KEVY
CHEATED ON ME WITH ANGIE.

WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS
ON HIM.

- STACY, I WANT TO COME BACK.

BUT I JUST CAN'T WEAR
DRAWSTRING PANTS.

- BRR.
- WHAT?

- I MEAN,
I CAN'T BETRAY SANDY.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
SOME NEW MEMBERS.

Beep!

OH, GOD, WHAT IF THAT'S HER?

GOT TO RUN.

- [sighs]

I GUESS WE'RE ON OUR OWN.

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT UP
SOME TOPICS,

IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

- SURE.

- LET'S BEGIN WITH THE DEBATE
ON CREW NECKS.

NOW, I THINK PEOPLE
WITH LONG NECKS

LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THEM

BECAUSE THEY MAKE
THEIR NECKS LOOK LONG.

- DO YOU THINK I LOOK GOOD
IN CREW NECKS?

- OF COURSE.
YOU LOOK GOOD IN ANYTHING.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE COLOR?

I THINK I PREFER PASTELS.

- DO YOU THINK I LOOK GOOD
IN PASTELS?

- UM, YES, TIFFANY.

ANYWAY, I DON'T CARE
HOW LONG HER NECK IS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
SHE DATED MATT DAMON.

- DO YOU THINK I'D LOOK GOOD
WITH MATT DAMON?

- [sighs]

QUINN'S RIGHT.

WE NEED MORE MEMBERS.

- YOU CAN'T LET GINA
INTO THE FASHION CLUB.

HER TEETH ARE THICK.

HEIDI WITH THE CLOGS?

GEE, I GUESS THERE REALLY AREN'T
ANY SUITABLE GIRLS AT SCHOOL.

MAYBE THE CLUB SHOULD BREAK UP.

STACY, STOP CRYING.

STACY.

[sighs]

ICE CREAM OUT OF THE CARTON?

YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKE SANDY.

- I SUPPOSE
YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

NOW THAT SHE CAN'T SQUEEZE
INTO A SIZE ZERO.

- DARIA, I AM NOT SHALLOW.

BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE SANDY'S
GOTTEN UGLY OR ANYTHING.

- WOW, I'VE REALLY
MISJUDGED YOU.

I NEVER REALIZED
YOU'D BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE

YOUR OWN POPULARITY
FOR THE SAKE OF FRIENDSHIP.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WELL, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW

HOW SOCIETY DISCRIMINATES
AGAINST THE OVERWEIGHT,

EVEN TO THE POINT
OF SHUNNING THEM.

THE OLD QUINN MIGHT EVEN
HAVE DONE IT HERSELF.

BUT THIS NEW QUINN,

WILLING TO STICK BY HER FRIEND
NO MATTER HOW HEAVY SHE GETS

EVEN IF IT COSTS YOU
YOUR OWN STATUS,

WOW.

SIMPLY, WOW.

- UM, YEAH.

- SOME MORE SHALLOW FRIEND

MIGHT TRY TO MAKE SANDY
LOSE WEIGHT

SO SHE COULD REJOIN
THE FASHION CLUB

AND RETURN LIFE TO NORMAL,
BUT NOT YOU.

YOU ACCEPT HER AS SHE IS.

KUDOS TO YOU,
QUINN MORGENDORFFER.

- UH, THANKS.

GOT TO GO.

- SANDY, OPEN UP.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

Both: QUINN.

- [gasps]

- I TOLD YOU LITTLE CREEPS,
NO VISITORS.

[sniffing]

GO AHEAD.
LAUGH AT MY DISFIGUREMENT.

- I WOULD NEVER LAUGH
AT YOU, SANDY.

BESIDES,
YOU'RE NOT DISFIGURED.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
ON THE INSIDE.

THAT'S ALL THAT COUNTS.

- THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M GONNA MAKE YOU FIT
TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC AGAIN.

- WHAT?

- NOW THAT YOUR CAST IS OFF,

I'M HERE
TO HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.

- OH, QUINN, CAN'T YOU SEE
THAT IT'S TOO LATE?

MY LIFE IS OVER.

- SANDY, YOU'RE NOT 30.

NOW, LET'S GET STARTED.

- I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT I ONCE WEIGHED
OVER 100 POUNDS.

- [sobbing]

- WHAT'S WRONG, SANDY?

- NOTHING.

IT'S JUST... OH, QUINN.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[both sob]

- OH, SANDY.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

[both sob]

- QUINN'S RIGHT.

THERE JUST AREN'T ANY GIRLS UP
TO THE FASHION CLUB'S STANDARDS.

IF ONLY LOOKS
WEREN'T EVERYTHING.

- I KNOW; TOO BAD
WE CAN'T LET BOYS IN.

- TIFFANY,
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

- WHAT?
- ABOUT THE BOYS.

- BOYS?
WHERE?

- [scoffs]

HEY, GUYS, ARE YOU DOING
ANYTHING THIS AFTERNOON?

'CAUSE TIFFANY AND I
WOULD REALLY LIKE IT

IF YOU COULD COME OVER
TO MY HOUSE FOR SODAS.

- QUINN'LL BE THERE, RIGHT?
- YEAH, QUINN.

- UH, NO.

THERE'LL BE A FREE FORM
DISCUSSION ON SWIMWEAR.

- A DISCUSSION?

- UM, I MEAN, WE'D WANT
TO SHOW SOME GIRLS IN BIKINIS.

- BABES IN BIKINIS.
- BABES IN BIKINIS?

- ALL RIGHT.
- WE'RE THERE.

- SO JAMIE, JEFFY, AND JOEY

ARE GOING TO STACY'S
TO TALK STYLE.

JOCKS ON FROCKS...

SOUNDS LIKE
A FASHION CLUB MEETING TO ME.

- TRUST ME.
IT'LL BE THE LAST.

- UH-HUH.

- CARE TO DOUBLE OUR BET?

- IT'S YOUR WAMPUM.

- PREPARE TO KISS
YOUR MOOLAH GOOD-BYE.

- LET'S SEE THE BIKINIS, MAN.
- YEAH, BIKINIS.

- UM, THAT'S NOT TILL LATER.

RIGHT NOW, WE'RE GONNA
DISCUSS TANK TOPS.

- TANKS ARE COOL.

- YEAH, LIKE IN THAT MOVIE,
WORLD WAR BLOOD.

- UM, I DIDN'T SEE THAT MOVIE.

WHAT COLOR WERE THE TANK TOPS?

- GREEN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU WANT THE ENEMY
TO SPOT YOUR TANK?

- WELL, YEAH.

THAT'S KIND OF THE WHOLE IDEA.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE?

- YOU SURPRISE THEM
BY LOOKING REALLY HOT.

- HE'S TALKING ABOUT WAR.

- SO AM I.

- NO, YOU KNOW,
CONCEAL AND SURPRISE.

- YOU THINK I NEED CONCEALER?

- UM, WHERE ARE THE BIKINIS
ANYWAY?

- YEAH, BIKINIS.
- YEAH, WHERE ARE THE BIKINIS?

- RIGHT HERE.

- WHOO-HOO.
- EXCELLENT.

- WHICH FABRIC
DO YOU LIKE BEST?

- FABRIC?

WE'VE GOT TO GO...
DO SOMETHING.

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

YEAH, PRIOR ENGAGEMENT.

- THE FASHION CLUB
IS FALLING APART.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- HMM, I DO NEED CONCEALER.

- ♪ YOU MAKE ME SAY ♪

- ♪ HOO-HOO ♪

- ♪ YOU MAKE ME SAY ♪

- ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

- ♪ FROM DUSK TO DAWN ♪

♪ YOU TURN ME ON ♪

- [panting]

CAN'T... I... REST?

- DID CLEOPATRA REST
WHEN SHE WAS INVENTING MASCARA?

DID NEFER-ITI REST
WHEN SHE WAS POSING FOR STATUES?

DID HELEN OF TROY REST
WHEN SHE WAS DOING

WHATEVER IT WAS SHE DID?

BEAUTY NEVER RESTS.

NOW, SWIM, YOU COW, SWIM.

- WHAT?

- SORRY.
COACH TALK.

- [grunting frustratedly]

- YOU THINK WE SHOULD TELL HER
IT'S EASIER TO SPEAK

IF YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH?

- STACY, WHAT TIME IS
THE FASHION CLUB MEETING TODAY?

- THERE IS NO MEETING.

- HOW COME?
- HOW COME?

BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I'M SICK OF DOING ALL THE WORK
WHILE YOU JUST SIT THERE.

I TRIED MY BEST,

AND EVEN IF IT WASN'T AS GOOD
AS SANDY'S OR QUINN'S,

A CHAIN IS ONLY AS STRONG
AS ITS WEAKEST ROUND THINGY.

AND YOU REFUSE TO LIFT
ONE FRICKING FINGER.

I'M THROUGH RUNNING
THE FASHION CLUB ALL BY MYSELF...

[slower] WHILE YOU STARE
IN THE MIRROR

AND TALK ABOUT YOURSELF

AND I... I... I QUIT!

- HMM, MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT TOO.

- [shrieks]

- YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST.

THE FASHION CLUB IS DEAD.

PAY ME MY 80 SMACKERS.

- DON'T LOOK NOW,

BUT I THINK THE GUY WITH
THE BALLOON ANIMALS IS BACK.

- IT'S SANDY.

AND SHE'S THIN.

♪ YOU MAKE ME SAY ♪

- ♪ HOO-HOO ♪

- [sighs]

- ♪ FROM DUSK TO DAWN,
YOU TURN ME ON ♪

- THEN IT'S AGREED.

APPLICANTS CAN'T HAVE
STUBBY FINGERTIPS

OR NAILS SHORTER
THAN 1/4 OF AN INCH.

- OH, DEFINITELY.
- OH, YOU'RE SO RIGHT.

- NEXT TOPIC:
WEIGHT REQUIREMENT.

[clears throat]

I MOVE THAT WE REVIEW
MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE WEIGHTS

ON A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS.

- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, SANDY.

- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
- YEAH.

- LET'S MOVE ON TO EYELASHES.

- UM, QUINN,

AS PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB,

I BELIEVE IT IS MY JOB
TO DECIDE ON THE TOPIC

FOR MEMBERSHIP GUIDELINES,

UNLESS THERE WAS A CHANGE
OF PROTOCOL IN MY ABSENCE

THAT ALLOWS THE VICE PRESIDENT
TO SWITCH TOPICS AT WHIM.

- BUT, SANDY,
HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT?

I RESIGNED AFTER YOU RESIGNED
BECAUSE YOU WERE,

WELL, YOU KNOW, NOT YOURSELF,

NOT THAT I WANTED
EITHER OF US TO RESIGN.

REMEMBER?

- RIGHT.

MOVING ON.

I SAY NO ONE WITH
A LOW EYELASH COUNT

IS TO BE ADMITTED,
NO EXCEPTIONS.

- BUT, SANDY, WITH ALL THE
THICKENING MASCARAS AVAILABLE,

YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE YOU HAVE MORE EYELASHES

THAN YOU REALLY DO.

SO IS THE ACTUAL NUMBER OF
LASHES REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?

- QUINN,
ARE YOU PROPOSING ARTIFICE?

- I AGREE WITH QUINN.

- ME TOO.

- FINE.

BUT ANY EYELASH-DEFICIENT
APPLICANTS

MUST AGREE TO WEAR MASCARA
AT ALL TIMES.

- FINALLY, A PLACE
THAT STILL RESPECTS

GOOD OLD FREEDOM OF CHOICE.

BEHOLD THE BEEF AND CAKE
TRIPLE PATTY BURGER,

SERVED MEDIUM RARE,
JUST LIKE JAKEY ORDERED.

- BEEF AND CAKE?

I GUESS THEIR REFRIGERATION
PROBLEMS MUST BE OVER.

- DAMN GASTROENTEROLOGICAL
DISORDERS!

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪