Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 2 - Sappy Anniversary - full transcript
Daria doesn't know what's worse: that Tom seems to have forgotten their six-month anniversary, or how stereotypical she feels for being upset by it.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
[doorbell rings]
- SO THE STORIES WERE TRUE.
WELCOME TO EARTH,
PLANT PEOPLE.
BE GENTLE WITH US.
- YEAH, ARE YOU
MS. MORGENDORFFER?
- DARIA OR QUINN?
- THESE ARE FOR QUINN.
YOU MUST BE DARIA.
- HMM, IT SAYS HERE THAT PEOPLE
KEEP CLOSING DOORS IN YOUR FACE.
- HEY, DO YOU THINK YOUR SISTER
MIGHT WANT TO GO OUT WITH...
[door slams]
- HMM, A LOT OF FLOWERS
AND CHOCOLATES.
DID YOU COME DOWN
WITH A DEBILITATING ILLNESS
AND FORGET TO SHARE
THE GOOD NEWS?
- DARIA, IT'S NOT LIKE I ASK
GUYS TO BUY ME PRESENTS.
I MERELY SUGGEST.
DARIA!
THAT'S PERSONAL.
- "HAPPY ONE YEAR SINCE YOU
BORROWED A PEN FROM ME.
LOVE, JOEY."
"I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THE DAY YOU FIRST ASKED ME
"TO GET YOU A SODA.
LOVE, JEFFY."
[giggles]
"THESE FLOWERS SHOULD BE TWICE
AS BIG AS JEFFY'S,
"BECAUSE I PAID TWICE AS MUCH.
LOVE"...
I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE OUT
THIS HANDWRITING.
- MAYBE HE SHOULD USE
A SHARPER CRAYON.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
HOW BIG A FUSS A GUY MAKES
OVER YOUR ANNIVERSARY
IS THE TRUE TEST
OF WHETHER HE CARES.
- HUH, AND HERE I'VE BEEN
DEMANDING THEY MAIL ME AN EAR.
- I'M SERIOUS.
IF HE FORGETS,
IT MEANS HE'S TAKING YOU
FOR GRANTED.
NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW,
BUT THAT'S WHAT STACY TELLS ME.
SAY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
AND THAT TOM BEEN GOING OUT?
- UM, NO IDEA.
- OH, DARIA.
- LOOK, ALL THAT MATTERS
IN A RELATIONSHIP
IS THAT YOU LIKE
THE SAME PIZZA TOPPINGS.
- WELL, I REMEMBER
THAT YOUR FIRST DATE
WAS THE SAME DAY I STARTED
MY SPLIT-END REFUSING REGIMEN,
UNLESS YOU DON'T COUNT
FROM THE FIRST DATE
BUT INSTEAD FROM THE TIME
YOU KISSED HIM BEHIND
YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BACK
WHILE SHE WAS STILL
GOING OUT WITH HIM,
WHICH I BELIEVE WAS THE NIGHT
OF THE FASHION CLUB
BLUSH-A-THON FINALS.
- AND TO THINK MOM AND DAD
ONLY HAVE THE DAY JFK WAS SHOT.
- LET'S SAY WE IGNORE
THE INSTANCE
OF SLEAZY BACKSTABBING,
SO THAT MEANS...
WOW!
IT'S YOUR SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY
THIS WEEK.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA CELEBRATE?
- DECLARE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY?
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WHAT'S THE POINT IF THERE'S
NO SCHOOL THAT DAY?
- HEY, WHEN DID
THE "HELP WANTED" SECTION
START COMING PRE-CIRCLED?
AM I PAYING EXTRA FOR THIS?
- ACTUALLY, I DID THAT,
BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU COULD
USE A NEW CHALLENGE.
- I WAS TALKING ABOUT LEARNING
TO PLAY TWO-DECK SOLITAIRE.
- DREAMER.
- "FEELING BOXED IN?
"LEADING CORRUGATED CARDBOARD
MANUFACTURER
SEEKS SENIOR VP OF SALES
AND MARKETING."
DAMN IT, HELEN.
I'M A MAN WITH MY OWN BUSINESS.
I'LL NEVER WORK FOR SOMEBODY
ELSE AGAIN, NEVER!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
AND SHAME ON YOU
FOR SUGGESTING IT.
SHAME, HELEN.
SHAME.
- JAKE, I'M SO SORRY.
- HEY, LOOK AT THIS ONE.
"KICK-ASS 'I' START-UP
SUPER JAZZED ABOUT EXPANSION
"SEEKS VISIONARY DOT-COM EXPERT
FOR MEDIA LEADERSHIP POSITION."
WHERE DO I SIGN UP?
- JAKE, YOU DON'T KNOW A THING
ABOUT THE INTERNET.
- OH, BUT I'M AN EXPERT
ON CARDBOARD!
- MOM, DAD'S BRAGGING AGAIN.
- AND LOOK AT THAT SALARY.
IT'S AN INSULT.
- IT'S A START-UP, HELEN.
I'LL GET IN
ON THE STOCK OFFERING,
AND SOON WE'LL BE LIVING
ON EASY STREET.
- ISN'T THAT JUST AROUND
THE CORNER FROM DELUSION DRIVE?
- HOW SHODDY FERTILITY DRUGS
ARE CREATING A NEW BREED
OF GANG
AND WREAKING HAVOC
WITH POLICE LINEUPS.
DELINQUENT QUINTUPLETS NEXT,
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- SO WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO TONIGHT?
- OH, NOTHING SPECIAL.
- NOTHING SPECIAL, HUH?
- I'M FINE JUST HANGING OUT.
- JUST HANGING OUT.
EVER WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE
LIKE TO GO ON A TYPICAL DATE,
SAY, TO A RESTAURANT
OR SOMETHING?
- OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO CHEZ PIERRE?
NORMAL DATES ARE FOR PEOPLE
WITH NO IMAGINATION.
- AH.
- REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT
TO THE DRUG STORE
AND READ THE GREETING CARD
POEMS ALOUD?
THAT WAS A FUN DATE.
- YEAH.
- JAKE MORGENDORFFER?
- YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT?
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT BUZZDOME, J-MAN.
WE'RE A BLEEDING-EDGE SHOP
PUMPED TO OPTIMIZE
OUR WEB PRESENCE.
[phone ringing]
ONE SEC.
[phone beeps]
YEAH.
UH-HUH.
WELL, THAT'S A START,
BUT I'M THINKING MASSIVE,
AND I WANT YOU
TO THINK MASSIVE WITH ME.
LATER.
WHEN DID INVESTORS
BECOME SUCH CHICKENS?
GOOD THING
THEY WEREN'T LIKE THIS
WHEN WE HAD THE STOCK OFFERING.
- STOCK OFFERING IS OVER?
- RAN UP 800% IN THE FIRST DAY
OF TRADING.
AND HERE I AM.
I JUST TURNED 24,
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL MY MONEY.
- YOU'RE 24?
- NEW ECONOMY, RIGHT?
YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
- DRINKS?
- I NEED...
I'D LIKE A MARTINI.
- SORRY, NO ALCOHOL.
WE'RE MACROBIOTIC.
[napkin ripping]
- I'LL HAVE A POT OF KOMBUCHA.
- YEAH, KOMBUCHA, ME TOO.
- JAKE, TELL ME.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT
HOW QUICKSTREAM CONVERGENCE
IMPACTS BRANDWIDTH EXPLOITATION?
GIVE ME YOUR E-VISION,
NOT WHAT YOU THINK THE DIGIRATI
WANT TO HEAR.
- SNOTTY DIGIRATI.
HEY, THAT RHYMES.
- AND DON'T JUST THROW
KILLER APPS AT ME.
- SO THE ANSWER IS,
AN ENGAGED COMMUNITY-BASED
KILLER APP
COMBINED WITH BLEEDING-EDGE
E-VISION
AND DIVERSIFIED SYNERGY?
- JAKE, THAT IS
A VERY PRESCIENT COMMENT.
- DID I MENTION THAT I MAKE
REALLY NEAT PIE CHARTS?
- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A LITTLE
UP THERE IN YEARS,
BUT YOU'RE DEFINITELY
PLUGGED IN.
A TOAST TO YOU,
JAKE MORGENDORFFER.
YOU DON'T MIND
AN 80-HOUR WORK WEEK, DO YOU?
- UM, COURSE NOT.
BLEH!
[gagging]
- I'M GONNA CALL IT
"EXPLODING KILN NUMBER ONE."
OR WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF "POTTERY BLAM"?
- MM.
- ENJOYING THAT SHARD?
- HUH?
- OUT WITH IT, MORGENDORFFER.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- WELL, IT'S TOM.
- MY EX, YOUR CURRENT.
THIS IS SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT HOW CAN I RESIST?
GO ON.
- HE TREATS ME MORE LIKE
A PIECE OF FURNITURE
THAN HIS GIRLFRIEND.
I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE
WHETHER OR NOT
HE GIVES ME PRESENTS
OR REMEMBERS OUR ANNIVERSARY.
BUT I THINK I DO.
AND THEN I HATE MYSELF
FOR CARING.
I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BECAUSE THEN HE'LL KNOW I CARE,
AND IT WON'T BE THE SAME AS IF
HE'D THOUGHT OF IT HIMSELF,
AND, OH, GOD, LISTEN TO ME.
- WOW, YOU SOUND ALMOST HUMAN.
- [sighs]
IT'S JUST THAT
WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE.
- YEAH, THAT'S TOM.
HE NEVER TOOK ME
ANYWHERE EITHER.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR THAT
HORSE AND CARRIAGE RIDE ONCE.
OH, AND THAT ITALIAN RESTAURANT
WHEN HE GOT THE MUSICIANS
TO PLAY MY FAVORITE SONG,
THE THESE FROM
THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.
BUT THEY DIDN'T EVEN PLAY
THE WHOLE SONG,
AND THE BREAD STICKS WERE STALE,
I MEAN, REALLY STALE.
BAD BREAD STICKS.
EW.
- YOU SEE, JAKE, AN OPEN PLAN
ENCOURAGES CREATIVITY.
COME SAY HI TO THE OTHER MEMBERS
OF YOUR WORK NODE.
THIS IS NORA.
SHE'S OUR INFORMATION ARCHITECT.
- SORRY, CARPAL TUNNEL.
- ZHENG DONG,
INTERACTIVE STRATEGIST.
- I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
ON FREEBSD
VERSUS LINUX
AS A SERVER PLATFORM.
- RIGHT.
- AND SAMIR.
HE'S KIND OF A ONE-MAN
PINCH-HITTING BRAIN TRUST.
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
MY DESK IS THE ONE WITH
THE GIANT INFLATABLE PALM TREE.
- BUT WE TESTED IT
ON ALL THREE PLATFORMS.
THERE'S NO WAY THOSE LINKS
ARE BROKEN.
- THAT'S JACQUELINE.
SHE INTERFACES WITH CLIENTS.
- IT MUST BE YOUR BROWSER
CONFIGURATION
THAT'S SCREWING IT UP.
YOUR TIE IS CROOKED!
- YOU SURE ARE COMFORTABLE.
- OH, GOOD.
THEN I'VE ACHIEVED MY GOAL.
- HAVE YOU MET
MY GIRLFRIEND DARIA?
SHE'S THE PERFECT
COMPANION PIECE.
NO MUSS, NO FUSS.
SHE OFFERS THE VERY BEST
IN LUMBAR SUPPORT
AND DURABILITY.
- MM.
DATING DOESN'T GET
ANY EASIER THAN THIS.
Thud!
- YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON
ON EARTH HAVING THIS PROBLEM.
ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE
THE LATEST VERSION OF FLASH?
- HEY, JAKE.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW
THEY'RE SERVING LUNCH.
IT'S CATERED.
- FREE LUNCH?
THIS PLACE IS GREAT!
- HEY, YOU BUYING IN
ON THAT SHOPPING MALL
PROJECT?
- HUH?
- OOPS, SORRY, FORGOT.
YOU GOT HERE
AFTER WE WENT PUBLIC.
YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED
ANY BIG WRITE-OFFS.
- HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
- I'M THE IDEA GUY.
- WHAT EXACTLY
DOES THIS COMPANY DO?
- WE PROVIDE TOOLS TO HELP
OTHER INTERNET START-UPS
MAXIMIZE THEIR POTENTIAL
AND EXPAND
THE VIRTUAL MARKETPLACE.
LISTEN, JAKE.
I GET PAID BIG MONEY
TO SIT AROUND AND DAYDREAM.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO ROCK THE BOAT.
- DANISH MODERN FURNITURE
IS SO BIOMORPHIC.
DO YOU THINK 6K
FOR A COFFEE TABLE IS TOO MUCH?
- NOT IF YOU LOVE IT.
LOOK, THE ORIGINAL BAT MOBILE
IS UP FOR SALE.
THINK I'LL PUT IN A BID.
- YOU GUYS GOT IN
ON THE STOCK OFFERING TOO?
- THAT WAS SUCH A COOL DAY.
- [sighs]
- HEY, NORA,
THANKS FOR THAT JAVA PATCH.
- HEY, DO THOSE THINGS REALLY
HELP YOU QUIT SMOKING?
[laughter]
- JAKE, YOU'RE AS FUNNY
AS A CASE-SENSITIVE
SEARCH ENGINE.
- HEH.
- WELL, I'VE GOT A TON
OF CLICK-THROUGHS TO CALCULATE.
- HAVE FUN CRUISING
THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY!
- INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY?
JAKE, THAT IS SO 1992.
- NEXT THING,
YOU'LL BE TELLING US
YOU STILL USE
HYPERCARD 1.0.
[laughter]
- [laughs]
[sighs]
BACKSLASH, BACKSLASH, DAMN IT!
GOT TO REMEMBER
IT'S A BACKSLASH.
- RELAX.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DEPEND
ON THE INTERNET FOR A LIVING.
- RIGHT.
HEY, THANKS FOR HELPING
ME OUT, KIDDO.
I THINK I'M STARTING
TO GET THE HANG
OF THE WORLDWIDE WEBIVERSE.
HUH, SHOULD I COPYRIGHT THAT?
- I'M SURE SOMEONE ALREADY HAS.
- I'M REALLY GONNA WOW
THEM AT WORK TOMORROW.
OH, LOOK.
I'M RECEIVING
SOME SORT OF MESSAGE IN CODE.
LOOKS TECHNICAL.
THIS IS EXCITING!
- YOU'RE LEANING
ON THE KEYBOARD AGAIN.
- OH, RIGHT.
GOOD CALL.
[doorbell rings]
- OH, HELLO.
- HI, QUINN.
IS DARIA HOME?
- POSSIBLY,
OR SHE MIGHT HAVE GONE OUT.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
- CAN YOU CHECK?
- WHOM SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?
- TOM.
- OH, RIGHT.
SOMETIMES THINGS JUST
SLIP MY MIND,
LIKE NAMES OR WHAT DAY IT IS.
- IT'S TUESDAY.
- SO THAT WOULD MAKE
THE DAY AFTER
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW...
- TOM?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, DARIA.
YOU'RE BACK.
I LEFT YOUR MANY MESSAGES
ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
I WROTE THEM DOWN
IN CASE I FORGOT.
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
- I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
AND THOUGHT I'D SEE
IF YOU WANTED TO TAKE A WALK.
- NOTHING BETTER TO DO?
- THAT'S IT.
- I'LL GET MY JACKET.
[electronic noises]
- HEY, JAKE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
- I'M MULTITASKING:
FINISHING UP THIS PRESENTATION
WHILE I PLAY AN MP3,
DOWNLOAD A CANNELLONI RECIPE,
AND EMAIL MY CONGRESSMAN
TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT THE HIGH COST
OF CAR INSURANCE.
- I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT YOU HAVE FOR US TOMORROW.
- IT'S GONNA ROCK
THE WORLD WIDE WEBIVERSE.
- HMM, WE SHOULD COPYRIGHT THAT.
YOU KNOW, JAKE, YOU REMIND ME
OF HOW EXCITED I WAS
STARTING THIS PLACE UP.
I'D CODE FOR WEEKS STRAIGHT,
FUELED BY CHOCOLATE COVERED
COFFEE BEANS,
SLEEPING UNDER THE DESK.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,
YOU CAN STILL SEE THE CARPET
FIBERS EMBEDDED IN MY CHEEK.
- EWWW.
- HERE, HAVE SOME COFFEE BEANS.
SEE YOU IN THE A.M.
- OKAY, BACK TO WORK
AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS GAME
OF TWO-DECK COMPUTER SOLITAIRE.
NOW, WHERE THE HECK
DID THAT 3 OF SPADES GO?
[frantic electronic noises]
JAKE MORGENDORFFER,
THAT IS ONE BEAUTIFUL PIE CHART.
OH, DAMN.
THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING
OVER THE HILL!
BAM, BAM, BAM!
AN EXPLODING FROG CARTOON?
GOT TO SEE THAT.
GOOD LORD, THE NIKKEI IS DOWN.
QUICK, MOVE OUT OF YEN.
SOMETHING'S HAPPENING
ON THE PANDA CAM!
"I'M WEARING A POLO SHIRT
AND KHAKIS.
WHY DO YOU ASK?"
[computer buzzing]
THAT STUPID TINY HOURGLASS!
SPIN, DAMN YOU, SPIN.
[computer rattling]
[screaming]
COME BACK, DAMN IT!
DAAHHH!
- I ALWAYS FEEL
SO COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.
- YOU'RE TALKING TO ME,
NOT THE BENCH, RIGHT?
- I MEAN, I CAN JUST RELAX
AND BE MYSELF.
I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT IMPRESSING YOU.
- YEAH, WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO DO THAT.
- IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,
I'D SWEAR YOU WERE MAD AT ME.
YOU ARE MAD AT ME.
- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
- YOU'RE MAD,
BUT YOU WON'T TELL ME WHY.
JEEZ, DARIA, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW,
A TYPICAL GIRL.
- AND YOU'RE TALKING LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW,
A SEXIST GUY.
- I JUST MEANT
YOU'RE USUALLY DIFFERENT.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT AVERAGE.
I DON'T HAVE TYPICAL
EXPECTATIONS LIKE NORMAL GIRLS.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- NOTHING.
JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
- IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME,
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
OKAY.
[knocking at door]
- OH, DARIA.
COME IN.
- YOU'RE BUSY.
NEVER MIND.
- I'M NOT GETTING
MUCH DONE ANYWAY.
I CAN'T SEEM TO CONCENTRATE
WITHOUT YOUR FATHER'S SNORING.
- WELL, UM, I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD ASK YOU SOMETHING.
- YES!
- UH, WELL, TOM AND I
HAVE BEEN GOING OUT
FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS, AND...
- OH, UM, DARIA,
SOMETIMES WE MAY THINK
WE'RE READY FOR SOMETHING
AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
BUT WE'RE REALLY NOT,
AND IT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
AND IN THE RUSH TO GROW UP,
WE SOMETIMES FORGET HOW PRECIOUS
ARE THE FLEETING YEARS
BEFORE ADULTHOOD'S CARES.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX.
- THANK GOD!
I MEAN, OH,
I SEE.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE READY,
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME TO ME.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANY HURRY.
NOR SHOULD THAT STATEMENT
BE INTERPRETED
TO SOME KIND OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
- RIGHT. ANYWAY,
IT'S ABOUT OUR ANNIVERSARY.
IT'S NOT THAT
I'M EXPECTING ANYTHING...
- AND YOU SHOULDN'T.
- I SHOULDN'T?
- NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE SETTING
YOURSELF UP FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.
TRUST ME.
- HELEN, IT'S BEEN A YEAR
SINCE OUR COMMITMENT CEREMONY,
AND I'VE NEVER FELT
MORE SELF-REALIZED.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, JAKEY.
- A LEATHER-BOUND EDITION
OF DAS KAPITAL!
HELEN, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
- I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
THAT WAS CLOSE TO YOUR HEART.
- LONG LIVE THE PROLETARIAT!
I BET THIS THING WILL APPRECIATE
LIKE CRAZY.
Smooch!
- A CANDLE IN THE SHAPE
OF A WIZARD?
- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A HOBBIT.
- OH, OF COURSE IT IS.
IT'S WONDERFUL, REALLY.
AND SO ARE YOU.
- IS THE COLOR OKAY?
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE
MADE IT IN RED.
- OH, NO.
BROWN IS SO SOOTHING.
[dog barks]
- GAAHH!
AW, DAMN DOG!
I CAN REDO THE POINTY HAT.
- [sighs]
- SO YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED, HUH?
- WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN
IF I'D BEEN EXPECTING
A DIAMOND BRACELET.
BUT I KNEW THAT A LOT
OF TIME AND LOVE
WENT INTO THAT SILLY LUMP
OF WAX.
SEE, DARIA, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT HE BUYS YOU
OR WHERE HE TAKES YOU.
THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS
IS HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- BUT WHAT IF HE FORGETS
YOUR ANNIVERSARY ALTOGETHER?
- SHOW NO MERCY.
- SO ADOPTING
THESE NEW PROTOCOLS MEANS,
BYE-BYE, NETLAG,
BYE-BYE CORNEA GUMBO,
BYE-BYE DANCING BOLOGNA.
OH, YEAH,
AND BANNER BLINDNESS TOO.
- COOL!
- WONDERFUL!
THANKS, NORA.
NOW JAKE IS GONNA WOW US
WITH HIS NEW PLAN FOR INCREASING
OUR VISIBILITY
IN THE MARKETPLACE.
- INCREASING VISIBILITY
IS A GOOD THING,
AND IT WILL SURELY
MAKE US MORE VISIBLE.
TO DO THAT,
WE SHOULD DEVELOP OUR STRATEGY
AND STRATEGIZE OUR DEVELOPMENT,
IMPLEMENT SOLUTIONS,
AND SOLUTIONIZE IMPLEMENTATIONS
AGGRESSIVELY.
EDGY?
- JAKE, I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT YOU'RE JUST SPOUTING
A BUNCH OF BUZZWORDS.
YOU'RE NOT PARADIGM SHIFTING.
YOU'RE ALL SIZZLE AND NO STEAK.
- BUT I DID HAVE STEAK
AND CHARTS AND GRAPHS
AND ANIMATED DOLLAR BILLS THAT
DANCED AROUND AND SANG SONGS.
I WAS ALMOST FINISHED,
AND THEN MY SCREEN FROZE.
DAMN COMPUTER!
IT ATE EVERYTHING!
BIG FAT SMUG DAMN STUPID
CRAPPY PIECE OF CRAPPY CRAP!
[sobbing]
- THAT WAS GREAT, JAKE.
WASN'T IT GREAT, EVERYONE?
YOU REALLY HELPED US
GET INTO THE MIND-SET
OF THE AVERAGE JOE:
ANGRY AND CONFUSED,
CONFOUNDED BY A NEW MEDIA
HE CAN'T POSSIBLY BEGIN
TO UNDERSTAND.
- YEAH!
- TOO BAD IT WASN'T AN ACT.
[laughter]
- SO I'M FIRED?
I'LL TURN IN MY MOUSE PAD.
- WAIT A SECOND, JAKE.
HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE
A CONSULTANT FOR US?
- IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?
- NO, NO.
I'D LIKE YOU TO BE ON CALL
AS A KIND OF SPUR-OF-THE-MOMENT
FOCUS GROUP.
HELP US SEE OUR WORK THROUGH
THE EYES OF OUR END USERS.
- BUT WHAT IS YOUR WORK?
- DO YOU WANT TO OR NOT?
- HELL, YES.
JAKE MORGENDORFFER CONSULTING
IS BACK!
- BOY, JUMP DOWN
SOMEONE'S THROAT,
REFUSE TO TELL THEM WHY,
AND SUDDENLY,
THEY STOP CALLING YOU.
- WELL, AT LEAST TOM
CAN'T ACCUSE YOU
OF TRYING TO SPOIL THE MYSTERY.
- I REALLY WANTED TO TELL HIM,
BUT I GUESS I WAS TOO BUSY
PLAYING GAMES.
- GEE, QUINN,
THAT JACKET LOOKS HOT.
- REALLY HOT.
- SUPER HOT.
- YEAH, TOO BAD I COULDN'T
AFFORD THE MATCHING MINISKIRT.
- I WANT TO GET IT FOR HER!
- SHE WANTS TO GET IT FROM ME!
- BACK OFF, JAMIE!
- JERK!
- OH, KEVIE, I WAS ONLY FLIRTING
WITH HIM TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
- BUT, BABE,
HOW COULD I BE JEALOUS
IF I WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO KNOW ABOUT IT?
- UM...
- OH, NOW WHAT'S WRONG?
- IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT,
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
[sniffling]
- EVERY TIME WE HAVE
A LITTLE ARGUMENT,
THERE YOU GO,
TURNING ON THE WATERWORKS.
- OH, GOD.
THIS IS LIKE THAT SCENE
IN PINOCCHIO
WHEN HE DISCOVERS
HE'S GROWING EARS
LIKE THE REST OF THE DONKEYS.
- WELL, THEN STOP BEING AN ASS
AND GO TALK TO TOM.
- [sighs]
- AND ALWAYS LET
YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR...
- OH, SHUT UP.
[doorbell rings]
- HEY!
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE
A FLAMING BAG OF DOG CRAP
ON THE DOORSTEP,
AT LEAST COME IN.
- WELL, CAN'T RESIST
AN INVITATION LIKE THAT.
SO I ADMIT I'VE BEEN
KIND OF SENSITIVE LATELY,
AND A LITTLE...
- DISTANT, CRANKY, CHILDISH?
- YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THE ADJECTIVES.
SEE, I WAS KIND OF UPSET THAT...
OH, GOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS.
THE SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY
OF OUR FIRST DATE IS TOMORROW.
- IT IS?
- QUINN BROUGHT IT UP.
- SO YOU'RE MAD AT ME
FOR FORGETTING SOMETHING
YOU FORGET YOURSELF?
- I GUESS IT GOT ME THINKING
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
YOU WERE TAKING ME FOR GRANTED
AND IF YOU REALLY DO CARE
THAT MUCH ABOUT THIS
RELATION-DATE-SHIP THING.
- OF COURSE I DO.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT
INTO THAT CORNY CRAP.
- RIGHT, 'CAUSE WHO NEEDS
PONY RIDES
AND FANCY ITALIAN DINNERS?
- WHAT?
OH, YOU MEAN WITH JANE?
LISTEN.
I ONLY TOOK HER ON THOSE DATES
AFTER OUR RELATION-DATE-SHIP
THING STARTED TO FALL APART.
I STARTED ACTING ROMANTIC
TO HIDE THE FACT
THAT I NO LONGER FELT ROMANTIC.
- SO NOT REMEMBERING
OUR ANNIVERSARY IS A GOOD SIGN.
- HEY, NOW THAT I KNOW
THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT
TO YOU, WE'LL CELEBRATE.
- BUT THEY'RE NOT.
- OKAY, THEN.
- BUT WE CAN CELEBRATE ANYWAY.
- OKAY, THEN.
- [snoring]
WH... WHERE AM I?
- YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME, JAKE.
YOUR FATHER'S DEAD,
AND CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN IS FAR,
FAR AWAY.
- WHEW.
UM, HELEN?
- YES?
- I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK
I LET YOU DOWN
WITH THAT JOB AND ALL.
- JAKE, I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK
TO NORMAL HOURS.
I MISSED YOU.
- YOU DID?
- OF COURSE I DID.
- AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU
THAT I'M A FAILURE?
- NOT A BIT.
- [sighs]
- HONEY, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT
A FAILURE.
YOU'RE THE SAME KIND, DECENT,
INTELLIGENT MAN
I FELL IN LOVE WITH
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
- REALLY?
- YOU KNOW,
THERE'S SOMETHING I KEEP
IN THIS DRAWER THAT ALWAYS
REMINDS ME OF WHY I MARRIED YOU.
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- HAPPY NON-ANNIVERSARY.
- HAPPY NON-ANNIVERSARY TO YOU.
- ARE YOU SURE QUINN WON'T MIND?
- NAH.
CELEBRATING ANNIVERSARIES
WAS HER IDEA.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ ♪
[doorbell rings]
- SO THE STORIES WERE TRUE.
WELCOME TO EARTH,
PLANT PEOPLE.
BE GENTLE WITH US.
- YEAH, ARE YOU
MS. MORGENDORFFER?
- DARIA OR QUINN?
- THESE ARE FOR QUINN.
YOU MUST BE DARIA.
- HMM, IT SAYS HERE THAT PEOPLE
KEEP CLOSING DOORS IN YOUR FACE.
- HEY, DO YOU THINK YOUR SISTER
MIGHT WANT TO GO OUT WITH...
[door slams]
- HMM, A LOT OF FLOWERS
AND CHOCOLATES.
DID YOU COME DOWN
WITH A DEBILITATING ILLNESS
AND FORGET TO SHARE
THE GOOD NEWS?
- DARIA, IT'S NOT LIKE I ASK
GUYS TO BUY ME PRESENTS.
I MERELY SUGGEST.
DARIA!
THAT'S PERSONAL.
- "HAPPY ONE YEAR SINCE YOU
BORROWED A PEN FROM ME.
LOVE, JOEY."
"I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THE DAY YOU FIRST ASKED ME
"TO GET YOU A SODA.
LOVE, JEFFY."
[giggles]
"THESE FLOWERS SHOULD BE TWICE
AS BIG AS JEFFY'S,
"BECAUSE I PAID TWICE AS MUCH.
LOVE"...
I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE OUT
THIS HANDWRITING.
- MAYBE HE SHOULD USE
A SHARPER CRAYON.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
HOW BIG A FUSS A GUY MAKES
OVER YOUR ANNIVERSARY
IS THE TRUE TEST
OF WHETHER HE CARES.
- HUH, AND HERE I'VE BEEN
DEMANDING THEY MAIL ME AN EAR.
- I'M SERIOUS.
IF HE FORGETS,
IT MEANS HE'S TAKING YOU
FOR GRANTED.
NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW,
BUT THAT'S WHAT STACY TELLS ME.
SAY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
AND THAT TOM BEEN GOING OUT?
- UM, NO IDEA.
- OH, DARIA.
- LOOK, ALL THAT MATTERS
IN A RELATIONSHIP
IS THAT YOU LIKE
THE SAME PIZZA TOPPINGS.
- WELL, I REMEMBER
THAT YOUR FIRST DATE
WAS THE SAME DAY I STARTED
MY SPLIT-END REFUSING REGIMEN,
UNLESS YOU DON'T COUNT
FROM THE FIRST DATE
BUT INSTEAD FROM THE TIME
YOU KISSED HIM BEHIND
YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BACK
WHILE SHE WAS STILL
GOING OUT WITH HIM,
WHICH I BELIEVE WAS THE NIGHT
OF THE FASHION CLUB
BLUSH-A-THON FINALS.
- AND TO THINK MOM AND DAD
ONLY HAVE THE DAY JFK WAS SHOT.
- LET'S SAY WE IGNORE
THE INSTANCE
OF SLEAZY BACKSTABBING,
SO THAT MEANS...
WOW!
IT'S YOUR SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY
THIS WEEK.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA CELEBRATE?
- DECLARE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY?
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WHAT'S THE POINT IF THERE'S
NO SCHOOL THAT DAY?
- HEY, WHEN DID
THE "HELP WANTED" SECTION
START COMING PRE-CIRCLED?
AM I PAYING EXTRA FOR THIS?
- ACTUALLY, I DID THAT,
BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU COULD
USE A NEW CHALLENGE.
- I WAS TALKING ABOUT LEARNING
TO PLAY TWO-DECK SOLITAIRE.
- DREAMER.
- "FEELING BOXED IN?
"LEADING CORRUGATED CARDBOARD
MANUFACTURER
SEEKS SENIOR VP OF SALES
AND MARKETING."
DAMN IT, HELEN.
I'M A MAN WITH MY OWN BUSINESS.
I'LL NEVER WORK FOR SOMEBODY
ELSE AGAIN, NEVER!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
AND SHAME ON YOU
FOR SUGGESTING IT.
SHAME, HELEN.
SHAME.
- JAKE, I'M SO SORRY.
- HEY, LOOK AT THIS ONE.
"KICK-ASS 'I' START-UP
SUPER JAZZED ABOUT EXPANSION
"SEEKS VISIONARY DOT-COM EXPERT
FOR MEDIA LEADERSHIP POSITION."
WHERE DO I SIGN UP?
- JAKE, YOU DON'T KNOW A THING
ABOUT THE INTERNET.
- OH, BUT I'M AN EXPERT
ON CARDBOARD!
- MOM, DAD'S BRAGGING AGAIN.
- AND LOOK AT THAT SALARY.
IT'S AN INSULT.
- IT'S A START-UP, HELEN.
I'LL GET IN
ON THE STOCK OFFERING,
AND SOON WE'LL BE LIVING
ON EASY STREET.
- ISN'T THAT JUST AROUND
THE CORNER FROM DELUSION DRIVE?
- HOW SHODDY FERTILITY DRUGS
ARE CREATING A NEW BREED
OF GANG
AND WREAKING HAVOC
WITH POLICE LINEUPS.
DELINQUENT QUINTUPLETS NEXT,
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- SO WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO TONIGHT?
- OH, NOTHING SPECIAL.
- NOTHING SPECIAL, HUH?
- I'M FINE JUST HANGING OUT.
- JUST HANGING OUT.
EVER WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE
LIKE TO GO ON A TYPICAL DATE,
SAY, TO A RESTAURANT
OR SOMETHING?
- OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO CHEZ PIERRE?
NORMAL DATES ARE FOR PEOPLE
WITH NO IMAGINATION.
- AH.
- REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT
TO THE DRUG STORE
AND READ THE GREETING CARD
POEMS ALOUD?
THAT WAS A FUN DATE.
- YEAH.
- JAKE MORGENDORFFER?
- YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT?
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT BUZZDOME, J-MAN.
WE'RE A BLEEDING-EDGE SHOP
PUMPED TO OPTIMIZE
OUR WEB PRESENCE.
[phone ringing]
ONE SEC.
[phone beeps]
YEAH.
UH-HUH.
WELL, THAT'S A START,
BUT I'M THINKING MASSIVE,
AND I WANT YOU
TO THINK MASSIVE WITH ME.
LATER.
WHEN DID INVESTORS
BECOME SUCH CHICKENS?
GOOD THING
THEY WEREN'T LIKE THIS
WHEN WE HAD THE STOCK OFFERING.
- STOCK OFFERING IS OVER?
- RAN UP 800% IN THE FIRST DAY
OF TRADING.
AND HERE I AM.
I JUST TURNED 24,
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL MY MONEY.
- YOU'RE 24?
- NEW ECONOMY, RIGHT?
YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
- DRINKS?
- I NEED...
I'D LIKE A MARTINI.
- SORRY, NO ALCOHOL.
WE'RE MACROBIOTIC.
[napkin ripping]
- I'LL HAVE A POT OF KOMBUCHA.
- YEAH, KOMBUCHA, ME TOO.
- JAKE, TELL ME.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT
HOW QUICKSTREAM CONVERGENCE
IMPACTS BRANDWIDTH EXPLOITATION?
GIVE ME YOUR E-VISION,
NOT WHAT YOU THINK THE DIGIRATI
WANT TO HEAR.
- SNOTTY DIGIRATI.
HEY, THAT RHYMES.
- AND DON'T JUST THROW
KILLER APPS AT ME.
- SO THE ANSWER IS,
AN ENGAGED COMMUNITY-BASED
KILLER APP
COMBINED WITH BLEEDING-EDGE
E-VISION
AND DIVERSIFIED SYNERGY?
- JAKE, THAT IS
A VERY PRESCIENT COMMENT.
- DID I MENTION THAT I MAKE
REALLY NEAT PIE CHARTS?
- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A LITTLE
UP THERE IN YEARS,
BUT YOU'RE DEFINITELY
PLUGGED IN.
A TOAST TO YOU,
JAKE MORGENDORFFER.
YOU DON'T MIND
AN 80-HOUR WORK WEEK, DO YOU?
- UM, COURSE NOT.
BLEH!
[gagging]
- I'M GONNA CALL IT
"EXPLODING KILN NUMBER ONE."
OR WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF "POTTERY BLAM"?
- MM.
- ENJOYING THAT SHARD?
- HUH?
- OUT WITH IT, MORGENDORFFER.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- WELL, IT'S TOM.
- MY EX, YOUR CURRENT.
THIS IS SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT HOW CAN I RESIST?
GO ON.
- HE TREATS ME MORE LIKE
A PIECE OF FURNITURE
THAN HIS GIRLFRIEND.
I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE
WHETHER OR NOT
HE GIVES ME PRESENTS
OR REMEMBERS OUR ANNIVERSARY.
BUT I THINK I DO.
AND THEN I HATE MYSELF
FOR CARING.
I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BECAUSE THEN HE'LL KNOW I CARE,
AND IT WON'T BE THE SAME AS IF
HE'D THOUGHT OF IT HIMSELF,
AND, OH, GOD, LISTEN TO ME.
- WOW, YOU SOUND ALMOST HUMAN.
- [sighs]
IT'S JUST THAT
WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE.
- YEAH, THAT'S TOM.
HE NEVER TOOK ME
ANYWHERE EITHER.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR THAT
HORSE AND CARRIAGE RIDE ONCE.
OH, AND THAT ITALIAN RESTAURANT
WHEN HE GOT THE MUSICIANS
TO PLAY MY FAVORITE SONG,
THE THESE FROM
THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.
BUT THEY DIDN'T EVEN PLAY
THE WHOLE SONG,
AND THE BREAD STICKS WERE STALE,
I MEAN, REALLY STALE.
BAD BREAD STICKS.
EW.
- YOU SEE, JAKE, AN OPEN PLAN
ENCOURAGES CREATIVITY.
COME SAY HI TO THE OTHER MEMBERS
OF YOUR WORK NODE.
THIS IS NORA.
SHE'S OUR INFORMATION ARCHITECT.
- SORRY, CARPAL TUNNEL.
- ZHENG DONG,
INTERACTIVE STRATEGIST.
- I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
ON FREEBSD
VERSUS LINUX
AS A SERVER PLATFORM.
- RIGHT.
- AND SAMIR.
HE'S KIND OF A ONE-MAN
PINCH-HITTING BRAIN TRUST.
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
MY DESK IS THE ONE WITH
THE GIANT INFLATABLE PALM TREE.
- BUT WE TESTED IT
ON ALL THREE PLATFORMS.
THERE'S NO WAY THOSE LINKS
ARE BROKEN.
- THAT'S JACQUELINE.
SHE INTERFACES WITH CLIENTS.
- IT MUST BE YOUR BROWSER
CONFIGURATION
THAT'S SCREWING IT UP.
YOUR TIE IS CROOKED!
- YOU SURE ARE COMFORTABLE.
- OH, GOOD.
THEN I'VE ACHIEVED MY GOAL.
- HAVE YOU MET
MY GIRLFRIEND DARIA?
SHE'S THE PERFECT
COMPANION PIECE.
NO MUSS, NO FUSS.
SHE OFFERS THE VERY BEST
IN LUMBAR SUPPORT
AND DURABILITY.
- MM.
DATING DOESN'T GET
ANY EASIER THAN THIS.
Thud!
- YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON
ON EARTH HAVING THIS PROBLEM.
ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE
THE LATEST VERSION OF FLASH?
- HEY, JAKE.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW
THEY'RE SERVING LUNCH.
IT'S CATERED.
- FREE LUNCH?
THIS PLACE IS GREAT!
- HEY, YOU BUYING IN
ON THAT SHOPPING MALL
PROJECT?
- HUH?
- OOPS, SORRY, FORGOT.
YOU GOT HERE
AFTER WE WENT PUBLIC.
YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED
ANY BIG WRITE-OFFS.
- HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
- I'M THE IDEA GUY.
- WHAT EXACTLY
DOES THIS COMPANY DO?
- WE PROVIDE TOOLS TO HELP
OTHER INTERNET START-UPS
MAXIMIZE THEIR POTENTIAL
AND EXPAND
THE VIRTUAL MARKETPLACE.
LISTEN, JAKE.
I GET PAID BIG MONEY
TO SIT AROUND AND DAYDREAM.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO ROCK THE BOAT.
- DANISH MODERN FURNITURE
IS SO BIOMORPHIC.
DO YOU THINK 6K
FOR A COFFEE TABLE IS TOO MUCH?
- NOT IF YOU LOVE IT.
LOOK, THE ORIGINAL BAT MOBILE
IS UP FOR SALE.
THINK I'LL PUT IN A BID.
- YOU GUYS GOT IN
ON THE STOCK OFFERING TOO?
- THAT WAS SUCH A COOL DAY.
- [sighs]
- HEY, NORA,
THANKS FOR THAT JAVA PATCH.
- HEY, DO THOSE THINGS REALLY
HELP YOU QUIT SMOKING?
[laughter]
- JAKE, YOU'RE AS FUNNY
AS A CASE-SENSITIVE
SEARCH ENGINE.
- HEH.
- WELL, I'VE GOT A TON
OF CLICK-THROUGHS TO CALCULATE.
- HAVE FUN CRUISING
THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY!
- INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY?
JAKE, THAT IS SO 1992.
- NEXT THING,
YOU'LL BE TELLING US
YOU STILL USE
HYPERCARD 1.0.
[laughter]
- [laughs]
[sighs]
BACKSLASH, BACKSLASH, DAMN IT!
GOT TO REMEMBER
IT'S A BACKSLASH.
- RELAX.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DEPEND
ON THE INTERNET FOR A LIVING.
- RIGHT.
HEY, THANKS FOR HELPING
ME OUT, KIDDO.
I THINK I'M STARTING
TO GET THE HANG
OF THE WORLDWIDE WEBIVERSE.
HUH, SHOULD I COPYRIGHT THAT?
- I'M SURE SOMEONE ALREADY HAS.
- I'M REALLY GONNA WOW
THEM AT WORK TOMORROW.
OH, LOOK.
I'M RECEIVING
SOME SORT OF MESSAGE IN CODE.
LOOKS TECHNICAL.
THIS IS EXCITING!
- YOU'RE LEANING
ON THE KEYBOARD AGAIN.
- OH, RIGHT.
GOOD CALL.
[doorbell rings]
- OH, HELLO.
- HI, QUINN.
IS DARIA HOME?
- POSSIBLY,
OR SHE MIGHT HAVE GONE OUT.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
- CAN YOU CHECK?
- WHOM SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?
- TOM.
- OH, RIGHT.
SOMETIMES THINGS JUST
SLIP MY MIND,
LIKE NAMES OR WHAT DAY IT IS.
- IT'S TUESDAY.
- SO THAT WOULD MAKE
THE DAY AFTER
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW...
- TOM?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, DARIA.
YOU'RE BACK.
I LEFT YOUR MANY MESSAGES
ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
I WROTE THEM DOWN
IN CASE I FORGOT.
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
- I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
AND THOUGHT I'D SEE
IF YOU WANTED TO TAKE A WALK.
- NOTHING BETTER TO DO?
- THAT'S IT.
- I'LL GET MY JACKET.
[electronic noises]
- HEY, JAKE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
- I'M MULTITASKING:
FINISHING UP THIS PRESENTATION
WHILE I PLAY AN MP3,
DOWNLOAD A CANNELLONI RECIPE,
AND EMAIL MY CONGRESSMAN
TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT THE HIGH COST
OF CAR INSURANCE.
- I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT YOU HAVE FOR US TOMORROW.
- IT'S GONNA ROCK
THE WORLD WIDE WEBIVERSE.
- HMM, WE SHOULD COPYRIGHT THAT.
YOU KNOW, JAKE, YOU REMIND ME
OF HOW EXCITED I WAS
STARTING THIS PLACE UP.
I'D CODE FOR WEEKS STRAIGHT,
FUELED BY CHOCOLATE COVERED
COFFEE BEANS,
SLEEPING UNDER THE DESK.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,
YOU CAN STILL SEE THE CARPET
FIBERS EMBEDDED IN MY CHEEK.
- EWWW.
- HERE, HAVE SOME COFFEE BEANS.
SEE YOU IN THE A.M.
- OKAY, BACK TO WORK
AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS GAME
OF TWO-DECK COMPUTER SOLITAIRE.
NOW, WHERE THE HECK
DID THAT 3 OF SPADES GO?
[frantic electronic noises]
JAKE MORGENDORFFER,
THAT IS ONE BEAUTIFUL PIE CHART.
OH, DAMN.
THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING
OVER THE HILL!
BAM, BAM, BAM!
AN EXPLODING FROG CARTOON?
GOT TO SEE THAT.
GOOD LORD, THE NIKKEI IS DOWN.
QUICK, MOVE OUT OF YEN.
SOMETHING'S HAPPENING
ON THE PANDA CAM!
"I'M WEARING A POLO SHIRT
AND KHAKIS.
WHY DO YOU ASK?"
[computer buzzing]
THAT STUPID TINY HOURGLASS!
SPIN, DAMN YOU, SPIN.
[computer rattling]
[screaming]
COME BACK, DAMN IT!
DAAHHH!
- I ALWAYS FEEL
SO COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.
- YOU'RE TALKING TO ME,
NOT THE BENCH, RIGHT?
- I MEAN, I CAN JUST RELAX
AND BE MYSELF.
I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT IMPRESSING YOU.
- YEAH, WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO DO THAT.
- IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,
I'D SWEAR YOU WERE MAD AT ME.
YOU ARE MAD AT ME.
- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
- YOU'RE MAD,
BUT YOU WON'T TELL ME WHY.
JEEZ, DARIA, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW,
A TYPICAL GIRL.
- AND YOU'RE TALKING LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW,
A SEXIST GUY.
- I JUST MEANT
YOU'RE USUALLY DIFFERENT.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT AVERAGE.
I DON'T HAVE TYPICAL
EXPECTATIONS LIKE NORMAL GIRLS.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- NOTHING.
JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
- IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME,
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
OKAY.
[knocking at door]
- OH, DARIA.
COME IN.
- YOU'RE BUSY.
NEVER MIND.
- I'M NOT GETTING
MUCH DONE ANYWAY.
I CAN'T SEEM TO CONCENTRATE
WITHOUT YOUR FATHER'S SNORING.
- WELL, UM, I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD ASK YOU SOMETHING.
- YES!
- UH, WELL, TOM AND I
HAVE BEEN GOING OUT
FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS, AND...
- OH, UM, DARIA,
SOMETIMES WE MAY THINK
WE'RE READY FOR SOMETHING
AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
BUT WE'RE REALLY NOT,
AND IT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
AND IN THE RUSH TO GROW UP,
WE SOMETIMES FORGET HOW PRECIOUS
ARE THE FLEETING YEARS
BEFORE ADULTHOOD'S CARES.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX.
- THANK GOD!
I MEAN, OH,
I SEE.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE READY,
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME TO ME.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANY HURRY.
NOR SHOULD THAT STATEMENT
BE INTERPRETED
TO SOME KIND OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
- RIGHT. ANYWAY,
IT'S ABOUT OUR ANNIVERSARY.
IT'S NOT THAT
I'M EXPECTING ANYTHING...
- AND YOU SHOULDN'T.
- I SHOULDN'T?
- NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE SETTING
YOURSELF UP FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.
TRUST ME.
- HELEN, IT'S BEEN A YEAR
SINCE OUR COMMITMENT CEREMONY,
AND I'VE NEVER FELT
MORE SELF-REALIZED.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, JAKEY.
- A LEATHER-BOUND EDITION
OF DAS KAPITAL!
HELEN, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
- I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
THAT WAS CLOSE TO YOUR HEART.
- LONG LIVE THE PROLETARIAT!
I BET THIS THING WILL APPRECIATE
LIKE CRAZY.
Smooch!
- A CANDLE IN THE SHAPE
OF A WIZARD?
- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A HOBBIT.
- OH, OF COURSE IT IS.
IT'S WONDERFUL, REALLY.
AND SO ARE YOU.
- IS THE COLOR OKAY?
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE
MADE IT IN RED.
- OH, NO.
BROWN IS SO SOOTHING.
[dog barks]
- GAAHH!
AW, DAMN DOG!
I CAN REDO THE POINTY HAT.
- [sighs]
- SO YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED, HUH?
- WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN
IF I'D BEEN EXPECTING
A DIAMOND BRACELET.
BUT I KNEW THAT A LOT
OF TIME AND LOVE
WENT INTO THAT SILLY LUMP
OF WAX.
SEE, DARIA, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT HE BUYS YOU
OR WHERE HE TAKES YOU.
THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS
IS HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- BUT WHAT IF HE FORGETS
YOUR ANNIVERSARY ALTOGETHER?
- SHOW NO MERCY.
- SO ADOPTING
THESE NEW PROTOCOLS MEANS,
BYE-BYE, NETLAG,
BYE-BYE CORNEA GUMBO,
BYE-BYE DANCING BOLOGNA.
OH, YEAH,
AND BANNER BLINDNESS TOO.
- COOL!
- WONDERFUL!
THANKS, NORA.
NOW JAKE IS GONNA WOW US
WITH HIS NEW PLAN FOR INCREASING
OUR VISIBILITY
IN THE MARKETPLACE.
- INCREASING VISIBILITY
IS A GOOD THING,
AND IT WILL SURELY
MAKE US MORE VISIBLE.
TO DO THAT,
WE SHOULD DEVELOP OUR STRATEGY
AND STRATEGIZE OUR DEVELOPMENT,
IMPLEMENT SOLUTIONS,
AND SOLUTIONIZE IMPLEMENTATIONS
AGGRESSIVELY.
EDGY?
- JAKE, I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT YOU'RE JUST SPOUTING
A BUNCH OF BUZZWORDS.
YOU'RE NOT PARADIGM SHIFTING.
YOU'RE ALL SIZZLE AND NO STEAK.
- BUT I DID HAVE STEAK
AND CHARTS AND GRAPHS
AND ANIMATED DOLLAR BILLS THAT
DANCED AROUND AND SANG SONGS.
I WAS ALMOST FINISHED,
AND THEN MY SCREEN FROZE.
DAMN COMPUTER!
IT ATE EVERYTHING!
BIG FAT SMUG DAMN STUPID
CRAPPY PIECE OF CRAPPY CRAP!
[sobbing]
- THAT WAS GREAT, JAKE.
WASN'T IT GREAT, EVERYONE?
YOU REALLY HELPED US
GET INTO THE MIND-SET
OF THE AVERAGE JOE:
ANGRY AND CONFUSED,
CONFOUNDED BY A NEW MEDIA
HE CAN'T POSSIBLY BEGIN
TO UNDERSTAND.
- YEAH!
- TOO BAD IT WASN'T AN ACT.
[laughter]
- SO I'M FIRED?
I'LL TURN IN MY MOUSE PAD.
- WAIT A SECOND, JAKE.
HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE
A CONSULTANT FOR US?
- IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?
- NO, NO.
I'D LIKE YOU TO BE ON CALL
AS A KIND OF SPUR-OF-THE-MOMENT
FOCUS GROUP.
HELP US SEE OUR WORK THROUGH
THE EYES OF OUR END USERS.
- BUT WHAT IS YOUR WORK?
- DO YOU WANT TO OR NOT?
- HELL, YES.
JAKE MORGENDORFFER CONSULTING
IS BACK!
- BOY, JUMP DOWN
SOMEONE'S THROAT,
REFUSE TO TELL THEM WHY,
AND SUDDENLY,
THEY STOP CALLING YOU.
- WELL, AT LEAST TOM
CAN'T ACCUSE YOU
OF TRYING TO SPOIL THE MYSTERY.
- I REALLY WANTED TO TELL HIM,
BUT I GUESS I WAS TOO BUSY
PLAYING GAMES.
- GEE, QUINN,
THAT JACKET LOOKS HOT.
- REALLY HOT.
- SUPER HOT.
- YEAH, TOO BAD I COULDN'T
AFFORD THE MATCHING MINISKIRT.
- I WANT TO GET IT FOR HER!
- SHE WANTS TO GET IT FROM ME!
- BACK OFF, JAMIE!
- JERK!
- OH, KEVIE, I WAS ONLY FLIRTING
WITH HIM TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
- BUT, BABE,
HOW COULD I BE JEALOUS
IF I WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO KNOW ABOUT IT?
- UM...
- OH, NOW WHAT'S WRONG?
- IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT,
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
[sniffling]
- EVERY TIME WE HAVE
A LITTLE ARGUMENT,
THERE YOU GO,
TURNING ON THE WATERWORKS.
- OH, GOD.
THIS IS LIKE THAT SCENE
IN PINOCCHIO
WHEN HE DISCOVERS
HE'S GROWING EARS
LIKE THE REST OF THE DONKEYS.
- WELL, THEN STOP BEING AN ASS
AND GO TALK TO TOM.
- [sighs]
- AND ALWAYS LET
YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR...
- OH, SHUT UP.
[doorbell rings]
- HEY!
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE
A FLAMING BAG OF DOG CRAP
ON THE DOORSTEP,
AT LEAST COME IN.
- WELL, CAN'T RESIST
AN INVITATION LIKE THAT.
SO I ADMIT I'VE BEEN
KIND OF SENSITIVE LATELY,
AND A LITTLE...
- DISTANT, CRANKY, CHILDISH?
- YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THE ADJECTIVES.
SEE, I WAS KIND OF UPSET THAT...
OH, GOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS.
THE SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY
OF OUR FIRST DATE IS TOMORROW.
- IT IS?
- QUINN BROUGHT IT UP.
- SO YOU'RE MAD AT ME
FOR FORGETTING SOMETHING
YOU FORGET YOURSELF?
- I GUESS IT GOT ME THINKING
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
YOU WERE TAKING ME FOR GRANTED
AND IF YOU REALLY DO CARE
THAT MUCH ABOUT THIS
RELATION-DATE-SHIP THING.
- OF COURSE I DO.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT
INTO THAT CORNY CRAP.
- RIGHT, 'CAUSE WHO NEEDS
PONY RIDES
AND FANCY ITALIAN DINNERS?
- WHAT?
OH, YOU MEAN WITH JANE?
LISTEN.
I ONLY TOOK HER ON THOSE DATES
AFTER OUR RELATION-DATE-SHIP
THING STARTED TO FALL APART.
I STARTED ACTING ROMANTIC
TO HIDE THE FACT
THAT I NO LONGER FELT ROMANTIC.
- SO NOT REMEMBERING
OUR ANNIVERSARY IS A GOOD SIGN.
- HEY, NOW THAT I KNOW
THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT
TO YOU, WE'LL CELEBRATE.
- BUT THEY'RE NOT.
- OKAY, THEN.
- BUT WE CAN CELEBRATE ANYWAY.
- OKAY, THEN.
- [snoring]
WH... WHERE AM I?
- YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME, JAKE.
YOUR FATHER'S DEAD,
AND CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN IS FAR,
FAR AWAY.
- WHEW.
UM, HELEN?
- YES?
- I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK
I LET YOU DOWN
WITH THAT JOB AND ALL.
- JAKE, I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK
TO NORMAL HOURS.
I MISSED YOU.
- YOU DID?
- OF COURSE I DID.
- AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU
THAT I'M A FAILURE?
- NOT A BIT.
- [sighs]
- HONEY, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT
A FAILURE.
YOU'RE THE SAME KIND, DECENT,
INTELLIGENT MAN
I FELL IN LOVE WITH
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
- REALLY?
- YOU KNOW,
THERE'S SOMETHING I KEEP
IN THIS DRAWER THAT ALWAYS
REMINDS ME OF WHY I MARRIED YOU.
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- HAPPY NON-ANNIVERSARY.
- HAPPY NON-ANNIVERSARY TO YOU.
- ARE YOU SURE QUINN WON'T MIND?
- NAH.
CELEBRATING ANNIVERSARIES
WAS HER IDEA.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪