Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 11 - Prize Fighters - full transcript

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

- THIS LOOKS WELL-BALANCED.

- EW, THIS IS LIKE THAT MOVIE
ANGELA'S ASHTRAY.

- JAKE, DID YOU FORGET
TO BUY LASAGNA?

- WE ARE THROUGH
PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE

FOR SECOND-RATE FROZEN FOOD.

- THAT'S A RELIEF.

THE COINS WERE MAKING
MY NOSTRILS BLEED.

TONIGHT WE LUXURIATE

IN THE MAJESTY
OF NEAR WHOLESALE PRIME RIB.

- WHAT? IF THE FASHION CLUB
FINDS OUT I'M EATING BULK RATE...

- OR EATING AT ALL.

- DAMN IT,

WE'VE GOT FOUR MOUTHS TO FEED.

FOOD COSTS MONEY.

- I KNEW IT!

- BUT DARIA WILL BE AWAY
AT COLLEGE SOON,

AND THEN THERE WILL ONLY BE
THREE MOUTHS TO FEED.

- YES, I'M SURE
THE SUDDEN WINDFALL

WILL MORE THAN MAKE UP
FOR TUITION, ROOM, AND BOARD.

- TUITION?

OH, GOD!

- DARIA, I KNOW;
WHY DON'T YOU GET

ONE OF THOSE SCHOLARSHIP
THINGIES?

- WHY, QUINN,
THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.

- YEAH, IF ONLY THEY
DIDN'T GIVE THEM

TO PEOPLE WITH WELL-ROUNDED,
BALANCED INTERESTS.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY ELSE.

[doorbell rings]

- THAT MUST BE THE PRIME RIB.

- I JUST ASSUMED
IT WOULD BE DEAD.

AND HERE IT IS
RINGING THE DOORBELL.

- YOU KNOW, DARIA,

THERE ARE SCHOLARSHIPS

EXCLUSIVELY
FOR ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT.

WINNING ONE OF THOSE

COULD MAKE UP FOR YOUR LACK
OF EXTRACURRICULARS

COME COLLEGE ADMISSIONS TIME.

IT WOULDN'T HURT
TO LOOK INTO IT, RIGHT?

- [grunting]

ALL RIGHT!

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS.

HUH?

- EW.

THEY LOOK LIKE HOT DOGS.

- MANY HOT DOGS.

- HEY, THAT'S NOT
WHAT I ORDERED.

- JAKE!

- WAIT, HEY, MEAT GUY!

COME BACK HERE!

- CRIMINALS BEWARE.

THIS DETECTIVE WON'T TALK,
BUT YOU WILL.

MIME AND PUNISHMENT NEXT,
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- I DON'T LIKE
WHERE THIS IS GOING.

- I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING YET.

- SO THERE'S STILL TIME TO FLEE?

- LOOK, DARIA,

THE MORE I THINK ABOUT APPLYING
FOR AN ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIP,

THE MORE I LIKE IT.

THERE'S ALMOST NOTHING
ON YOUR HIGH SCHOOL RECORD

TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE MOTIVATED
AND INVOLVED.

- COULD THAT BE BECAUSE I'M NOT?

- DARIA, ARE YOU TELLING ME
YOU DON'T PLAN TO GO TO COLLEGE?

- OF COURSE I DO.

- THEN ARE YOU TELLING ME

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR CHOICE
OF SCHOOLS?

THEN PROMISE ME
YOU'LL AT LEAST LOOK INTO

SOME KIND OF PRIZE
OR SCHOLARSHIP, OKAY?

NOT FOR ME, NOT FOR YOUR FATHER;

FOR YOU.

- [sighs]

ALL RIGHT.

DAMN.

THESE SCHOLARSHIP FOUNDATIONS

ALL WANT YOU TO BE
AN EXPERT IN SOMETHING:

"CONCERT VIOLINIST,"
"NATIONALLY RANKED GYMNAST,"

"PUBLISHED AUTHOR."

- GOD, DARIA, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
DOING ALL THIS TIME?

ACTING LIKE A TEENAGER?

- HEY, HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.

"HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANYTHING
SHOWN IN A MUSEUM?"

REGIONAL'S OKAY.

- YEAH, LIKE I'M GONNA FILL OUT
A FIVE-POUND APPLICATION

AND KISS THE BUTTS
OF SOME REVIEW BOARD

JUST FOR A FEW THOUSAND BUCKS
TO GO TO A SCHOOL

THAT I'LL PROBABLY HATE ANYWAY.

UM, NOT THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T DO IT.

- HMM.

HERE'S SOMETHING.

"THE WIZARD FOUNDATION
WILL AWARD A $10,000 PRIZE

"TO THE STUDENT
WHO BEST EMBODIES

THE WIZARD PURSUIT
OF EXCELLENCE."

YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE
THEIR VAGUENESS.

- "THE PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE."

SO YOU DON'T
HAVE TO ACTUALLY CATCH IT?

- GREAT.

THERE'S AN ESSAY.

"HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE
THE WORLD IF YOU COULD?"

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAPED
THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT.

- WELL, IF YOU NEED ANY
ILLUSTRATIONS FOR YOUR ESSAY,

I'M PRETTY GOOD
AT PAINTING MUSHROOM CLOUDS.

- HEY, DARIA.

I KNOW I'M CRAZY TO ASK,

BUT ONE OF THE PAPER'S
EDITORS QUIT.

COULD YOU USE ANOTHER
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY

FOR YOUR TRANSCRIPT?

- TECHNICALLY, NO,

SINCE "ANOTHER" IMPLIES
I HAVE ANY TO BEGIN WITH.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS?

- GEE, HOW REFRESHING.

A LECTURE FROM A FELLOW STUDENT

JUST LIKE THE ONES I GET
FROM MY MOTHER.

THANKS TO HER,

I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT
ON THE WEB

LOOKING INTO SCHOLARSHIPS.

- REALLY?

FIND ANYTHING?

- THE CLOSEST I CAME WAS
THE WIZARD FOUNDATION PRIZE.

- THE SOFTWARE COMPANY?

- JUST TO APPLY

THEY MAKE YOU FILL OUT A FORM
AND WRITE AN ESSAY.

- UM, DARIA, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
PAR FOR THE COURSE.

- DARN.

I GUESS THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A FREE $10,000.

- HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK.

- IF I ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH.

BUT I'M HOPING TO COME

TO MY SENSES
BEFORE THAT HAPPENS.

"IN SUM, MY WORLD WOULD BE
MADE FAIR

"THROUGH THE SIMPLE STEP
OF ELIMINATING ALL MONEY.

"POLITICIANS COULD SERVE
THE PEOPLE THEY REPRESENT

"INSTEAD OF THE ONES PAYING
FOR THEIR ATTACK ADS.

"CEOs COULD STOP FOULING
THE PLANET

"AND CHEATING THEIR WORKERS

"JUST TO KEEP
THEIR STOCK PRICES PUMPED,

"AND OF COURSE,

"PROMISING YOUNG STUDENTS,
SUCH AS MYSELF,

"COULD ACTUALLY STUDY

"INSTEAD OF SPENDING THEIR TIME

GROVELING IN SCHOLARSHIP
ESSAYS."

- WOW, YOU'RE REALLY GONNA
SEND THAT IT?

- WHY WOULDN'T I?

- THE WHOLE POINT
OF THESE SCHOLARSHIPS

IS TO SHOW HOW MARVELOUSLY
WELL-ADJUSTED YOU ARE.

YOU'RE COMING OFF
ALL OBSERVANT AND HONEST.

YOU KNOW, ANTISOCIAL.

- LOOK, THIS IS HOW I WRITE.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GET THE PRIZE
BASED ON SOME PHONY ESSAY

AND PHONY PERSONALITY.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

- THE UMBILICAL CORD,

SINCE YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY
BORN YESTERDAY.

- DARIA, DID I HEAR YOU READING
YOUR SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY?

- JUDGING BY HOW CALM YOU ARE,
I'D SAY, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- DARIA...

- YOU GIRLS READY
FOR SOME MORE HOT DOG SLICES?

- UM, THANKS, MR. MORGENDORFFER.

BUT I THINK I'M JUST EXACTLY
AS WOOZY AS I WANT TO BE.

- HEY, HONEY.

HOW DOES HOT DOG JALAPEÑO HOTTIE
SOUND FOR TONIGHT?

- KIND OF LIKE THE SOUND
OF FOUR PEOPLE RACING

TO BEAT EACH OTHER
TO THE BATHROOM.

- JAKE, SEND THOSE
HOT DOGS BACK.

- I CAN'T.

I BROKE THE SEAL.

- BUT THEY MADE THE MISTAKE.

- WELL, IF YOU WANT
TO GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT,

I MADE THE MISTAKE.

I KIND OF TYPED IN THE WRONG
PRODUCT NUMBER.

DAMN FUZZY COMPUTER SCREEN.

- YES, YOU CAN EAT OVER.

- IS THIS WHAT YOU
IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION

REFER TO AS "DISCOVERY"?

- UM, THIS IS FOR YOU.

IT'S FROM THE WIZARD FOUNDATION.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D ALREADY
SENT IN THE APPLICATION.

- YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO.

OH, GREAT.

NOW I HAVE TO BE INTERVIEWED
BY THESE PEOPLE.

- DARIA, YOU GOT AN INTERVIEW?

- YEAH, ME AND 99
OTHER FINALISTS.

TALK ABOUT FEELING SPECIAL.

- BUT YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL.

YOU'RE A FINALIST.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY.

- BESIDES, EVEN MAKING IT
THIS FAR

WILL IMPRESS
A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS BOARD.

IT MEANS THE WIZARD FOUNDATION'S
RECOGNIZED

WHAT A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL
YOU ARE.

- HUH.

WHY DOES THIS SAY "OCCUPANT"?

- HEY, DARIA,
WHAT'S UP?

- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW THAT WIZARD
SCHOLARSHIP I TOLD YOU ABOUT?

I MADE THE FINALS.

- THAT'S GREAT;
SO DID I.

- YOU APPLIED?

- YEAH, THANKS FOR LETTING ME
KNOW ABOUT IT.

- LETTING YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

- COLLEAGUES, CONFRERES,
AMICOS DI SCOLASTICO.

- GEE, TRILINGUAL OBNOXIOUSNESS.

- I SEE FROM THIS LIST
THAT I DOWNLOADED

THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN
DEEMED WORTHY OF THE TITLE

"WIZARD FOUNDATION FINALIST."

AND I, FOR ONE,
AM BASKING IN THE GLOW

OF YOU TWO LOVELY LADIES,

NOT TO MENTION
MY OWN LUMINESCENCE.

[growling]

- HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU TELL
ABOUT THIS SCHOLARSHIP?

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

THE FEWER PEOPLE WHO KNOW
ABOUT THIS, THE BETTER.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

I'M KIND OF SURPRISED
YOU APPLIED,

WHAT WITH THE WAY
YOU WERE TALKING.

- HMM, SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

- YEAH, WELL, NO HARD FEELINGS,
RIGHT?

- WHY WOULD YOU HAVE ANY?

- DID YOU KNOW THAT THINLY
SLICED FRIED WIENERS

ARE A FUN AND PROTEINACEOUS
PARTY FOOD?

- DARIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

TO PREPARE
FOR THE WIZARD INTERVIEW?

- NOTHING.

WITH AMERICA'S STUDIOUS
SWEETHEART,

JODIE LANGDON,
IN THE COMPETITION,

I DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

- JODIE APPLIED TOO?

- AFTER SHE HEARD
ABOUT IT FROM ME.

- WELL, IT'S A DOG-EAT-DOG
WORLD.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
GET USED TO IT.

- GEE, I DON'T THINK I COULD GET
ANY MORE USED TO EATING DOGS

THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.

- I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH COMPETITION

AS LONG AS YOU RISE
TO THE OCCASION,

EVEN IF YOU NEED
A LITTLE OUTSIDE HELP.

- OKAY, THAT WAS SHOE
NUMBER ONE.

- I JUST HAPPENED TO HEAR
ABOUT A COACH

WHO COULD HELP YOU PREPARE
FOR THE INTERVIEW.

- WHAT A MAD COINCIDENCE.

- A COUPLE OF SESSIONS
WITH DR. DANADA,

AND YOU'RE A GUARANTEED MASTER

OF SPECIAL INTERVIEWING
TECHNIQUES AND STRATEGIES.

- ISN'T HAVING SOMEONE
TELL YOU HOW TO ACT

AND WHAT TO SAY
CHEATING?

- HE'S JUST TEACHING YOU

WHAT YOU'D EVENTUALLY HAVE
LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE ANYWAY.

- YOU MEAN THAT A SCHOLARSHIP
SUPPOSEDLY BASED ON MERIT

CAN BE BOUGHT?

- FEISTY LADY.

- NO, I WON'T SHOW YOU
MY BELLY BUTTON.

- HMM, THEN PERHAPS
YOU CAN ENLIGHTEN ME

ON SOME OF THE SPECIAL EFFECTS

YOU'RE PLANNING
FOR YOUR WIZARD INTERVIEW:

ACCOMPANYING VISUALS,
CHARTS, GRAPHS, DANCING ANIMALS?

- SORRY, IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME
AND THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR.

- YOU KNOW, SINCE WE ARE
IN THE COMPETITION TOGETHER...

- ACTUALLY,
WE'RE IN IT SEPARATELY.

- TECHNICALLY.

- BUT WE CAN STILL
HELP ONE ANOTHER, SAY,

BY SWAPPING ESSAYS TO GAIN
A BROADER PERSPECTIVE

ON WHAT THEY LIKE?

- NOT INTERESTED.

THANKS.

DRIVE HOME SAFE.

- OH, TART-TONGUED TEMPTRESS.

IF YOU HELP ME,

I MIGHT AFFORD YOU
AN OPPORTUNITY TO INVEST

IN MY DOT-COM COMPANY.

- YOU'VE STARTED A DOT-COM?

- A MODEST EXOTIC
CANDIES VENTURE,

NOT UNLIKE THE SMALL BUSINESS
THAT WIZARD'S ILLUSTRIOUS CEO,

MARK STRONG,
BEGAN IN HIS HIGH SCHOOL DAYS.

CARE FOR A WASABI GUMMY FISH
IMPORTED FROM TOKYO?

IT'S JUST THE KIND MR. STRONG
HAPPENS TO ENJOY.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- EXTENSIVE RESEARCH
INTO HIS LIKES AND DISLIKES

AND THE ORDER HE'S ALREADY
PLACED ON MY SITE.

- SO IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU WERE RIGHT.

BETWEEN SUPER-JODIE
AND WWW UPCHUCK,

THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA WIN
THAT SCHOLARSHIP

WITHOUT SOME KIND OF HIGHLY
UNCHARACTERISTIC BUTT KISSING.

- OH, I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND
A CHARACTERISTIC WAY TO DO IT.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- NOTHING;
YOU GONNA EAT THAT?

- DON'T YOU THINK I'M
IN A LOUSY POSITION?

- SURE, SURE.

I JUST CAN'T GET
WORKED UP ABOUT IT.

THAT'S ALL.

- HEY, GUYS;
MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

- THE MORE, THE MERRIER.

THAT'S YOUR MOTTO, ISN'T IT?

- LOOK, I DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.

THAT SCHOLARSHIP IS OPEN
TO EVERYONE,

AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T EVEN
THINK YOU WERE GONNA APPLY.

WHY CAN'T WE JUST HOPE
ONE OF US GETS A BREAK?

- GEE, WHICH ONE OF US
DO YOU HOPE GETS A BREAK?

- LET'S LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.

MY DAD FOUND A COACH WHO PREPS
PEOPLE FOR INTERVIEWS,

AND I WANTED YOU
TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

HERE'S HIS CARD.

- DR. DANADA.

OF COURSE.

I ALREADY KNEW ABOUT HIM,
BUT THANKS.

- OH, A COACH.

THAT SOUNDS FAIR
TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

- IS SOMETHING BUGGING YOU?

- NOT A BIT.

I THINK AFTER SCHOOL
I'LL GO HOME, SURF THE WEB,

SEE IF THERE ARE ANY
SCHOLARSHIPS FOR UNDERACHIEVERS.

AT LEAST I'LL KNOW
I'M NOT COMPETING

WITH ANYONE WHO WAS COACHED.

- SHE ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE YOU.

- DOES THAT MEAN I'VE BEEN
SOUNDING LIKE YOU?

- HI!

- IF ANY OF US STARTS
TO SOUND LIKE HER,

IT'S TIME TO PANIC.

[doorbell rings]

- HI, MR. MORGENDORFFER.

I'M HERE TO SEE DARIA.

- SURE THING.

BUT FIRST, CARE FOR
A CARAMEL POP POPCORN DOG?

- UM, THANKS.

- YOU KNOW, I COULD BE
ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

A PUSHCART, A NICE BIG UMBRELLA,
AND HEY,

I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

- I'VE GOT TO HELP DARIA

PREPARE
FOR HER INTERVIEW NOW.

- WHY, GOD?

WHY ARE THOSE COMPUTER SCREENS
SO DAMN HARD TO READ?

- HEY, THANKS
FOR HELPING ME OUT.

- I JUST HOPE THIS LITTLE
RUN-THROUGH

WILL BE ENOUGH TO DO ANY GOOD.

- OKAY, NOW,
I'M A HUMORLESS SUIT

FROM THE WIZARD FOUNDATION.

AND YOU'RE SOME JADED
HIGH SCHOOL SNOT;

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU.

- HOW FLATTERING.

- ALL RIGHT, DARIA.

LET'S SAY WE HIRE YOU
TO WORK AT WIZARD.

NOT VERY LIKELY, BUT HEY.

NOW, YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT
IS TO FIRE HALF YOUR EMPLOYEES.

DO YOU, "A," FIRE BY LOTTERY,

"B," FIRE BY SENIORITY,

OR "C," JUST GET RID
OF ANY WOMEN AND MINORITIES

WHO HAPPEN TO HAVE
SNUCK THROUGH THE GATES?

- OKAY, THANKS, TOM.

VERY HELPFUL.

- I'M TRYING TO REPRESENT
WIZARD ACCURATELY

SO YOU'LL BE COMFORTABLE
WITH THE FACE OF EVIL

WHEN IT STARES INTO YOUR SOUL.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THEIR
HIRING POLICIES, HAVEN'T YOU?

- I MUST HAVE FALLEN BEHIND
IN MY ANNUAL REPORTS AGAIN.

- SO THEN YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THEIR MEASLY TWO WOMEN VPs

AND ONE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
IN SENIOR MANAGEMENT.

- REALLY?

I WONDER IF JODIE'S
HEARD ABOUT THIS.

- THAT'S IT?

NO RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION?

NO PROTESTING
OF SEXISM AND RACISM?

THIS IS WHERE
YOU USUALLY LEAP UP

AND SWEAR YOU WON'T BE CO-OPTED
BY THESE BOTTOM-FEEDING WEASELS.

- YEAH, IT IS.

- SO WHY AREN'T YOU LEAPING
AND SWEARING?

- UM, MY FOOT'S ASLEEP?

SO BASICALLY,
THEIR HIRING PRACTICES

AND EMPLOYEE RELATIONS
AREN'T THAT DIFFERENT

FROM THE KU KLUX KLAN'S,

IF YOU DISREGARD
THE DENTAL PLAN.

- WELL, YOU MAY BE OVERSTATING
THINGS A LITTLE.

BUT I GET YOUR POINT.

THEY'RE NOT WHAT
YOU'D CALL PROGRESSIVE.

- NOT PROGRESSIVE?

- HEY, DARIA.

SUMMIT MEETING
OF THE WIZARD FINALISTS?

- DAD, DARIA FOUND OUT SOME
KIND OF QUESTIONABLE THINGS

ABOUT WIZARD'S
PERSONNEL POLICIES.

- [laughing] NO KIDDING.

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T SEE

THE INTERVIEW WITH THEIR CEO
IN THE JOURNAL.

TALK ABOUT YOUR REDNECK
BILLIONAIRES.

[laughs]

- YOU ALREADY KNEW ABOUT THIS?

- THEY HAVEN'T PROMOTED

A WOMAN OR A MINORITY
IN THREE YEARS.

- SO WHO BETTER TO WIN THE PRIZE
THAN A BRILLIANT YOUNG WOMAN,

ESPECIALLY IF IT TURNS OUT TO BE
A BRILLIANT YOUNG BLACK WOMAN?

- THAT IS A GOOD POINT.

- I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T WANT

TO HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH WIZARD

ONCE YOU FOUND OUT.

- TRYING TO REDUCE
THE COMPETITION

BY GETTING ME TO DROP OUT, HUH?

- NO, I THOUGHT
WE'D BOTH DROP OUT.

- AND WHO WILL WIN
THE SCHOLARSHIP THEN?

- HUH?

- LOOK, DARIA.

WIZARD'S POLICIES HAVE BEEN
PREHISTORIC, YEAH.

BUT SOMEONE SOMEWHERE
IN THE ORGANIZATION

IS TRYING TO ADDRESS THAT,

OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CREATED
THIS PRIZE.

NOW, DO YOU WALK AWAY

BECAUSE THE GUY AT THE TOP
IS AN IDIOT,

OR DO YOU JOIN THE PEOPLE

TRYING TO CHANGE THE WAY
HE DOES BUSINESS?

- HOW DO I KNOW THEY'RE NOT JUST
TRYING TO MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD

WITHOUT ACTUALLY CHANGING
ANYTHING AT ALL?

- THEY WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING
AT ALL IF KIDS LIKE YOU TWO

DON'T PUSH YOUR WAY
ONTO THEIR RADAR

AND SHOW THEM THE ERROR
OF THEIR WAYS.

IF YOU DON'T GO UP TO THE GATE
AND RING THE BIG BELL,

THEY'VE KEPT YOU OUT WITHOUT
HAVING TO DO A THING.

RING THE BIG BELL, DARIA.

RING THE BIG BELL!

- BIG BELL?

- OKAY, SO MY DAD THINKS HE'S
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

OR QUASIMODO.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO GO,

OR I'LL BE LATE
FOR MY COACHING SESSION.

DID YOU SIGN UP WITH
DR. DANADA YET?

- MAKE NO MISTAKE
ABOUT THIS, DARIA.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

THE KEY TO SCORING BIG
ON ANY INTERVIEW

IS KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT

AND THEN DELIVERING
THAT PRODUCT.

- I'M JUST PRAYING THAT THEY
WANT BULK-RATE HOT DOGS.

- DARIA, THE PRODUCT IS YOU.

SUCCESSFUL ALUMNI REFLECT WELL
ON COLLEGES AND FOUNDATIONS.

SO YOU NEED TO PROJECT "WINNER"
THE MINUTE YOU WALK IN THE DOOR.

DRESS FOR SUCCESS.

LOOK THAT INTERVIEWER
IN THE EYE,

AND DAZZLE HIM
WITH A MILLION-DOLLAR SMILE.

- SQUANDER
MY MILLION-DOLLAR SMILE

ON A $10,000 PRIZE?

THAT'S CRAZY TALK.

- DARIA, IF YOU DON'T MIND
MY SAYING SO,

YOU'RE GIVING OFF MIXED SIGNALS
ABOUT WANTING THIS AWARD.

YOU DO WANT THE SCHOLARSHIP?

- I GUESS, BUT NOT IF IT TAKES
DISHONESTY TO GET IT.

- IS IT DISHONEST TO SAY YOU'RE
DESERVING OF THE WIZARD PRIZE?

- SEE, NOW,

THAT SPEAKS DIRECTLY
TO THE AMBIGUITIES

AT ISSUE HERE.

THE PRIZE IS GIVEN
BY A COMPANY

WITH LESS THAN STELLAR ETHICS.

SO WHICH WOULD MAKE ME MORE
DESERVING OF THE PRIZE,

ACTING ETHICALLY
OR ACTING UNETHICALLY?

- LET'S TALK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR.

[bell ringing]

- SO BASICALLY,
DANADA WAS A COMPLETE WASTE

OF TIME AND MONEY.

I'LL NEVER LEARN
TO SUCK UP LIKE JODIE.

- YOU SHOULDN'T ANYWAY.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

- YOU GOT TO BE YOURSELF
WHEN YOU SUCK UP.

- WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?

MY WHOLE PROBLEM IS THAT
I'M NOT SUCKING UP.

- REALLY?

THEN WHY'D YOU GO TO THE COACH
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

FOR THAT MATTER,

WHY APPLY FOR A SCHOLARSHIP
AT ALL?

- WHAT?

- IT'S ALL PART
OF BUYING INTO THE SYSTEM,

AND BUYING INTO THE SYSTEM

IS ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING
"SUCKING UP."

- WHO MADE YOU
THE CHICAGO EIGHT?

THIS ISN'T THE WAY
YOU USUALLY THINK.

- WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT HOW I THINK?

JUST BECAUSE A PERSON
DOESN'T GO

AROUND APPLYING
FOR SCHOLARSHIPS

AND USING EVERY $10 WORD
THEY KNOW,

IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE STUPID.

- WHO SAID YOU WERE...

- MR. BROWER, ALLOW ME

TO PERSONALLY WELCOME YOU
TO LAWNDALE HIGH.

WE ARE VERY HAPPY

TO HAVE THREE FINALISTS
FOR THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP.

WE'LL TALK LATER ABOUT SOME
OF YOUR SURVEILLANCE SOFTWARE.

- LET'S BEGIN.

MISS LANGDON,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
ARE YOUR STRENGTHS

AS A STUDENT AND A HUMAN BEING?

- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

MY STRENGTHS ARE THAT I QUESTION
AND I CARE.

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO GO FOR IT
WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL.

- MR. RUTTHEIMER,

YOUR STRENGTHS?

- ASIDE FROM MY FAR-FLUNG
REPUTATION AS A PEOPLE PERSON,

I'D SAY MY STRENGTHS INCLUDE
A DARING ENTREPRENEURIAL BENT

COUPLED WITH AN UNQUENCHABLE
NEED TO SUCCEED.

NICE TIE, BY THE WAY.

- MISS MORGENDORFFER?

- I WOULD SAY
THAT MY MAIN STRENGTH

IS THAT I DON'T BABBLE.

- UM, MISS LANGDON,

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?

- I BELIEVE MY GREATEST WEAKNESS

IS THAT SOMETIMES
I CARE TOO MUCH

AND TRY TOO HARD.

AND AS A CONSEQUENCE,

I DON'T ALWAYS TAKE TIME
TO SMELL THE ROSES.

- [sighs]

- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I HAVE A WEAKNESS
FOR WASABI GUMMY FISH.

CARE FOR ONE?

- MY MAIN WEAKNESS

IS MY INABILITY
TO ANSWER STOCK QUESTIONS

WITH STOCK ANSWERS.

NOW, FOR MY LAST QUESTION,

WHY DO YOU DESERVE
THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP,

MISS LANGDON?

- MR. BROWER,
I BELIEVE IN MYSELF,

AND I HOPE TO ACHIEVE
A LOT IN THIS WORLD

AND THEN USE EVERYTHING
I'VE LEARNED

TO GIVE BACK TO MY COMMUNITY

THE WAY WIZARD IS DOING NOW
WITH THIS WONDERFUL SCHOLARSHIP.

- MR. RUTTHEIMER?

- AWESOME QUESTION.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT JUST THAT

WHEN I STARTED
MY DOT-COM COMPANY.

BECAUSE I'M JUST THE KIND
OF GO-GETTER

THAT THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP
WAS CREATED FOR.

THANK YOU!

- [sighs]

MISS MORGENDORFFER,

WHY DO YOU DESERVE
THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP?

- WHETHER OR NOT I DESERVE
ANYTHING IS IRRELEVANT.

ASSUMING YOU RUN YOUR
SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM

THE SAME WAY YOU RUN
YOUR COMPANY,

SINCE THE TOKEN WOMEN
AND MINORITIES YOU HIRE

RARELY MOVE
INTO UPPER MANAGEMENT

AND SINCE I WON'T GIVE
THE ANSWERS YOU WANT TO HEAR

IN HOPES OF SOMEHOW
BUCKING THE ODDS,

I GUESS YOU CAN JUST PASS ON ME

AS IF I WERE ONE OF YOUR FEMALE
EMPLOYEES UP FOR PROMOTION.

- MISS MORGENDORFFER,

YOU SEEM TO HAVE A BIT
OF AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO SABOTAGE YOURSELF?

- I'M RESPONDING
TO YOUR QUESTIONS TRUTHFULLY.

SO I GUESS THE ANSWER IS "YES."

- TOO BAD;
ACCORDING TO MY NOTES,

YOU GOT HIGH MARKS
ON THE LIGHT-HEARTED SPOOF

YOU WROTE FOR AN ESSAY.

- "LIGHT-HEARTED SPOOF?"

- SO NONE OF US

IS WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP
MATERIAL.

- I REALLY THOUGHT
I HAD A GOOD SHOT.

[sighs]

OH, HELL.

MAYBE MY ANSWERS WERE TOO
DOWN-PAT.

- IS IT POSSIBLE I IMPORTED
THE WRONG WASABI GUMMY FISH?

- WELL, I KNOW WHY
I DIDN'T GET IT.

- OH, YEAH.
- NO QUESTION THERE.

- DEFINITELY.
- HEY!

- COME ON, DARIA.

YOU DIDN'T WANT IT.

- NO, I DID WANT IT.

IT JUST TOOK ME A WHILE

TO FIGURE OUT
HOW BADLY I WANTED IT.

- HOW BADLY WAS THAT?

- NOT BADLY ENOUGH TO SMILE
AND LIE FOR THE AWARD,

BUT BADLY ENOUGH
TO GET MAD AT YOU FOR APPLYING.

SORRY.

- I'M SORRY.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
I WAS APPLYING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
I WENT TO THAT COACH

AFTER ALL MY
HIGH AND MIGHTY POSTURING

ABOUT INTEGRITY.

- WHAT ABOUT BOTH OF US
SUCKING UP

TO THOSE RACIST,
SEXIST GOONS AT WIZARD?

- YEAH.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
WE'D BE ABLE

TO PURSUE EXCELLENCE
AND SCUMMINESS

BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?

- OH, WHY COULDN'T IT
HAVE BEEN ME?

- JODIE TOLD ME

ABOUT THE BIG BRUSH-OFF
FROM WIZARD.

SORRY, KID.

- WHY WERE YOU
SO ANTI-SCHOLARSHIP?

- NO REASON,

EXCEPT MAYBE SEEING
THE BIG BRAINS

COMPETE FOR A PRIZE BASED
ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT...

WELL-DESERVED,
DON'T GET ME WRONG...

MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE MADE

LITTLE JANIE FEEL A BIT...
I DON'T KNOW.

- LEFT OUT?

- LOOK, I'M GOOD
AT THE THINGS I'M GOOD AT.

GRADES ISN'T ONE OF THEM.

[sighs]

WE NEVER USED TO THINK
ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS.

- I KNOW.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO US?

- I DON'T KNOW.

SELLING OUT?
- BUYING IN?

- JOINING THE SYSTEM?

- BEING CO-OPTED?

- MAYBE WE'RE JUST
GETTING OLDER.

- YEAH.

I FELT A TWINGE
OF OSTEOPOROSIS

WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING.

- SO ARE YOU WILLING
TO ADMIT YET

THAT YOU'RE MORE COMPETITIVE
THAN YOU THOUGHT?

- COME ON.

IF I WERE REALLY COMPETITIVE,

I'D BE IN THE PARKING LOT
RIGHT NOW

SQUARING OFF
WITH THE REST OF THEM.

- WELCOME TO LAWNDALE HIGH'S

FIRST ANNUAL HOT DIGGITY DOG
EATING CONTEST,

COURTESY OF JAKE MORGENDORFFER
CONSULTING.

FIRST PRIZE IS A YEAR SUPPLY
OF GRADE "A" QUALITY

[quietly]
BULK-RATE

[normal volume]
DELICIOUS HOT DOGS.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU,
LET'S BEGIN THE FESTIVITIES,

AND MAY THE BEST PORKER WIN.

[snorting]

[whistle blares]

[crowd cheering]

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪