Daria (1997–2001): Season 5, Episode 12 - My Night at Daria's - full transcript
Tom falls asleep in Daria's bed, spurring rumors that they're sexually active (thanks to Quinn), which eventually makes her consider putting those rumors to rest by giving up her virginity for real.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ THIS IS MY STOP ♪
♪ GOT TO GET OFF ♪
♪ I MAY GO POP ♪
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE DIRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ IF I'M WRONG, PLEASE CORRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- GOD, THIS IS DULL.
SO MUCH
FOR MY SILLY CHILDHOOD DREAM
OF BECOMING
A SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST.
- AT LEAST
YOU'RE NOT READING KANT.
THIS GUY GIVES DRY, PONDEROUS
INTELLECTUALS A BAD NAME.
- SPEAKING OF INTELLECTUALS.
- UGH, I JUST HAD
THE WORST DATE OF MY LIFE.
NOT ONLY
DID HE WEAR WHITE PANTS,
HIS CAR CD PLAYER SKIPPED,
AND IF THAT WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH,
HE SPENT THE WHOLE DINNER
TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF
AND THEN ACCUSED ME
OF NOT PAYING ATTENTION
JUST BECAUSE I HAD
TO QUICKLY CHECK MY LIPSTICK
IN THE BUTTER KNIFE.
WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO CHECK OUR MASCARA
IN THE SALAD TONGS.
- BUT YOU CAN'T GO.
I REALLY NEED
SOMEONE TO TALK TO,
AND ALL THE NORMAL PEOPLE
ARE OUT ON DATES.
- OH, WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO BARGE IN ON SOMEONE'S DATE.
- EXACTLY.
TIFFANY?
I HAD THE WORST EVENING.
FINE, HURRY UP
AND ORDER DESSERT.
- SO YOU SEE, TOBY,
A TOP-NOTCH MARKETING CONSULTANT
COULD REALLY
BEEF UP YOUR BUSINESS.
- ER, JAKE, WE'RE A SUSHI BAR.
DON'T YOU MEAN
"FISH UP MY BUSINESS"?
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE SAKE.
- DON'T MIND IF I DO.
- JAKE, HAVEN'T YOU HAD...
- HEY, HELEN,
WHY AREN'T YOU EATING?
NOT TRYING TO KEEP YOUR GIRLISH
FIGURE AT YOUR AGE, ARE YOU?
ACTUALLY, I HAD A LATE LUNCH...
FOLLOWED BY
AN INSUFFERABLE DINNER.
- WHAT IS THAT?
- EITHER A TRAVELING
BAND OF EUNUCHS,
OR QUINN'S FIGURED OUT HOW
TO TURN ON THE RADIO.
- GOD, DARIA,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THINGS WERE SO BAD AT HOME?
- I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO WORRY.
- OOPS.
- OH, GOD.
WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU
THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
WORKS FOR ME.
I'LL GO MYSELF.
IT'LL BE QUIETER.
- I'M STARVING.
SUSHI SUCKS.
SAKE ROCKS.
HEY, GOT TO REMEMBER THAT.
WHERE'S THE LASOONY?
HEY.
- MR. MORGENDORFFER.
I CAN EXPLAIN.
- TOM.
OH, HEY, YOU KNOW,
THAT DOOR STICKS ON ME TOO.
LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
HEY, YOU EVER TRY
ANY OF THAT SAKE?
IT SUCKS...
I MEAN, ROCKS.
- UM... NO.
YOU KNOW, THE AGE THING.
- OH, YEAH.
GOOD FOR YOU.
NICE GUY, THAT TOM.
- NO WONDER YOU CAN'T SLEEP.
TOKYO TOBY'S IS POISON.
- IS NOT.
HEY, I FORGOT TO OFFER TOM
SOME LASAN-Y.
- WHAT?
- DAMN.
ONE, ONE THOUSAND.
TWO, ONE THOUSAND.
THREE...
- DARIA, I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
- ONE THOUSAND.
- ALL RIGHT, DARIA.
I GUESS I CAN BELIEVE
YOUR STORY.
THOUGH IT SEEMS
PRETTY FAR-FETCHED TO ME
THAT TWO TEENAGERS
WITH RAGING HORMONES...
- MY HORMONES DON'T RAGE.
OH, SURE,
THEY GET MAD SOMETIMES,
BUT THEN THEY JUST
STOP SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU WEREN'T, YOU KNOW...
- I CERTAINLY DO KNOW, AND NO.
- THEN TELL ME ONCE AGAIN
WHY TOM WAS SLIPPING
OUT THE DOOR AT 4:00 A.M.
LIKE A COMMON CRIMINAL.
- PHONE.
- GEE, COULD THE SNEAKING AROUND
HAVE BEEN PART
OF A FUTILE ATTEMPT
TO AVOID AN UNNECESSARY
ALL-NIGHT LECTURE
ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY?
- ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT
I WAS A LITTLE UPSET,
BUT I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
THAT WHEN A MOTHER
SEES HER DAUGHTER,
HER LITTLE BABY GIRL
TO WHOM SHE GAVE LIFE...
- NOTHING HAPPENED.
I'D TELL YOU IF IT DID.
- YOU WOULD? REALLY?
- UM... ANYWAY,
YOU BELIEVE ME, RIGHT?
- STACY. STACY.
I CAN'T TALK ANY LOUDER,
YOU DOPE.
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU MY SISTER
HAD A GUY IN HER ROOM ALL NIGHT!
- SERIOUSLY, DARIA,
IF THE TIME COMES
WHEN YOU DECIDE THAT...
YOU KNOW...
I HOPE YOU WILL
COME TO ME FIRST.
- UM, WHAT?
- NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TRY
TO TALK YOU OUT OF IT,
WHICH IS NOT TO SAY I'M TRYING
TO TALK YOU INTO IT.
IT'S JUST THAT I'D LIKE
TO HAVE THE CHANCE
TO DISCUSS THINGS
WITH YOU FIRST.
I ONLY WISH
I COULD HAVE GONE TO MY MOTHER
BEFORE I MADE
SUCH AN AWFUL MISTAKE.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT STUNT DRIVERS
THAT MAKES OTHERWISE
LEVEL-HEADED TEENAGE GIRLS
JUST WHIP OFF THEIR...
- OKAY. OKAY.
UM... I'VE GOT TO STUDY.
BIG TEST. BIG TEST.
- HELEN, I THINK I'VE GOT
SOMETHING IN MY THROAT.
CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING DOWN THERE?
AH.
DARIA, I, UH...
- JAKE, NOTHING HAPPENED.
THE PROBLEM
WITH GOING TO RESTAURANTS
IS THAT THEY'RE NOT IN MY ROOM.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE
WITH HIKING TRAILS.
- MY, MY, MY.
IS THAT THE LOVELY
MISS MORGENDORFFER?
- CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE PASSED YOUR VISION TEST.
PLEASE PROCEED TO LINE "B"
FOR YOUR WRITTEN.
- AND YOU'VE PASSED YOUR
ADMISSION TEST TO CLUB D'AMORE.
PLEASE CHECK
YOUR INHIBITIONS AT THE DOOR.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- HIS PARENTS FORGOT
TO PUT DECALS
ON THE SLIDING GLASS DOORS.
- HEY, DARIA'S GUY.
WAIT TO GO, MAN.
- EXCUSE ME?
- YOU KNOW,
YOU DID THE WILD WALK,
MADE A TOUCHDOWN,
SIGNED THE DEED.
- TONIGHT'S BABEL CHAT
WAS HOSTED BY KEVIN THOMPSON.
- OH, DARIA,
NOW WE CAN HAVE WOMANLY TALKS.
- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU RANTING ABOUT?
- YOU KNOW.
- LET'S GO, BABE,
AND LEAVE THE LOVE-BABES ALONE.
- THAT WAS WEIRD, EVEN FOR THEM.
- WE'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THE PARMESAN FUMES
GET TO US TOO.
- DAMN IT, HELEN, I KNOW THERE'S
SOMETHING CRAWLING UP MY THROAT,
AND I THINK IT'S A PARASITE
COURTESY OF TOKYO TOBY'S
PARASITE RESTAURANT.
IF I STAND STILL, I CAN EVEN
FEEL IT LAUGHING INSIDE OF ME.
- NOW YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
EVEN IF THAT HORRIBLE SUSHI
DID HAVE A PARASITE,
IT COULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED
THAT MUCH SAKE.
- DARIA, I, UM, UH...
- YOUR FATHER THINKS HE PICKED
UP A PARASITE EATING SUSHI.
- YOU MEAN THE KIND THAT DRILL
THROUGH YOUR INTESTINES,
TWISTING AND TURNING
AND DRIVING YOU SLOWLY INSANE
UNTIL THEY GROW EIGHT FEET LONG
AND CORKSCREW OUT
THROUGH YOUR VITAL ORGANS?
- DARIA.
- HELP ME, HELEN,
BEFORE THE MADNESS SETS IN.
- ANY FURTHER.
- DARIA.
- HELLO?
OH, TOBY.
LISTEN, ABOUT YOUR
SO-CALLED FRESH SUSHI...
I GOT THE JOB?
HOW MUCH?
WOW!
I MEAN,
I THINK I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
HELEN, I GOT THE JOB.
- AND ALL THE PARASITES
YOU CAN EAT.
- PARASITES?
YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT'S PROBABLY
JUST A SORE THROAT.
I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP.
- HEY.
- AH, I'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOUR CALL.
- HUH?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M LISTENING.
BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, AT LEAST
SPARE ME THE SQUISHIER DETAILS
AND THE RAPTUROUS DECLARATIONS
OF UNDYING LOVE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT ARE YOU?
- I WAS HOPING
YOU COULD TELL ME.
TOM AND I RAN
INTO SOME PEOPLE FROM SCHOOL,
AND THEY KEPT ALLUDING TO...
I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO GUESS WHAT.
IS SOMETHING GOING ON?
- COME ON, DARIA. YOU KNOW.
- KNOW WHAT?
- YOU DON'T KNOW?
- WHAT? JUST TELL ME.
- WELL,
THERE'S THIS RUMOR GOING AROUND
THAT YOU AND TOM...
SLEPT TOGETHER.
- HUH?
- AND THAT YOUR
FATHER WALKED IN RIGHT...
WELL, RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS.
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND, DARIA, SINCE WHEN DO YOU
OWN A PAIR OF BLACK HIGH HEELS?
- THAT'S NOT RIGHT EITHER.
OH, THE CURSE
OF HAVING TWO GOOD SHOULDERS.
DARIA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
- I WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU TOLD EVERYONE AT SCHOOL
ABOUT ME AND TOM.
- I DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
BESIDES,
I SWORE STACY TO SECRECY,
BUT THEN SHE TOLD SANDY
AND TIFFANY,
SO IF YOU'RE MAD AT ANYONE,
IT SHOULD BE STACY AND NOT ME.
- UH-HUH.
LOOK, DAMN IT,
NOTHING HAPPENED...
- STOP!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ANY OF THE SORDID DETAILS.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT COUPLE PEOPLE DO.
- AND I'M TELLING YOU, NOTHING...
- OKAY. OKAY.
LOOK, I GOT TO, UM, GO SHOPPING.
BIG SALE. BIG SALE.
- QUINN, LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE...
- HALF OFF. GOT TO GO. BYE.
- CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
- SURE, WHAT'S UP?
- UM... YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD
THE RUMOR ABOUT ME AND TOM.
- HEY, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, RIGHT?
THIS ISN'T THE '50s,
WHEN WOMEN HAD TO WORRY ABOUT
THEIR REPUTATIONS.
- BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.
I NEVER SLEPT WITH TOM,
AND I DON'T OWN ANY HIGH HEELS.
I DON'T EVEN OWN ANY LOW HEELS.
- DARIA, IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
BESIDES, YOU AND TOM HAVE BEEN
GOING OUT FOR SO LONG,
I'D THINK BY NOW YOU'D WANT
TO DO MORE
THAN JUST HOLD HANDS... RIGHT?
- UM...
- HEY, SEX IS NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF
AS LONG AS YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE.
- SO THEN YOU AND MACK HAVE...
BEEN RESPONSIBLE?
- UM, I REALLY DON'T WANT
TO DISCUSS THAT RIGHT NOW.
- I UNDERSTAND.
- I PROMISE,
SOON AS MY PARENTS ARE DEAD,
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
- OKAY, JUST SO LONG AS THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
AND I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT
OF BEING UNPOPULAR
WAS THAT NO ONE KNOWS YOU EXIST
OR TALKS ABOUT YOU.
- IT'S BEEN A SLOW NEWS WEEK.
DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL GO BACK TO
NOT RECOGNIZING YOU SOON ENOUGH.
- EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU NEVER HAD A RUMOR
CIRCULATING AROUND SCHOOL
THAT YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE.
- WELL,
IF THAT EVER DOES HAPPEN,
I HOPE THE GUY'S
A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.
LOOK, WHY DOES THIS BOTHER YOU
SO MUCH, ANYWAY?
IT CAN'T BE YOU'RE WORRIED KEVIN
WON'T RESPECT YOU.
- NO, I GUESS IT'S
THE ASSUMPTION
THAT IF YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
YOU'RE HAVING SEX.
SO IF YOU'RE NOT,
DOES THAT MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
ANY LESS OF ONE?
- I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE JUMPED
TOM WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.
KIDDING.
I TOLD YOU,
I'M WAITING TILL COLLEGE,
11:00 A.M. ON MOVE-IN DAY.
- AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT A PLAN.
- ANYWAY,
BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
CAN'T POSSIBLY HINGE
ON PHYSICAL INTIMACY,
'CAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN
OUR PARENTS ARE STILL DOING IT.
- WHICH IS ABSURD.
- NO CHANCE.
- I'D JOIN THE CIRCUS.
- RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
- THANKS FOR YOUR INSIGHT.
- WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
- YOU REALLY THINK
ONCE SOME NEW RUMOR COMES ALONG
EVERYONE WILL FORGET ABOUT ME
AND TOM?
- I'M SURE OF IT.
- GOOD, BECAUSE MY SISTER'S GOT
A RARE FORM
OF MALAYSIAN TOENAIL FUNGUS.
- OOH, THAT CAN BE TERMINAL.
- WHOA, THAT IS ONE HELL
OF A PARASITE.
NOW HOLD ON.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
- HERE. TAKE A LOOK.
- EW.
UM, MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT
FROM THAT DAMN
FOOD-ROTTING TUPPERWARE.
- TUPPERWARE?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HAD SUSHI?
- LAST WEEKEND AT TOKYO TOBY'S.
- TOKYO TOBY'S?
WHEN IS THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT
GOING TO SHUT
THAT WORM FACTORY DOWN?
THIS IS THE THIRD
ANISAKID I'VE SEEN
COME OUT OF THAT PLACE
IN TWO MONTHS.
- OH.
- CAN ANGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING
REALLY HELP GORILLAS
AVOID EXTINCTION?
MAYBE, BUT IT'S NOT DOING MUCH
FOR THE PSYCHIATRISTS.
"THE APES OF WRATH,"
TODAY ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU HARDLY SAID A WORD
WHEN THE MONSTER ATTACKED
THE GIRLS' SWIM TEAM,
ALL THOSE VITAL ORGANS BOBBING
AROUND IN THE WATER.
- I KNOW I SHOULDN'T
LET IT BOTHER ME,
BUT THERE'S THIS RUMOR
GOING AROUND SCHOOL
THAT YOU AND I SLEPT TOGETHER.
- REALLY?
CAN WE GET THAT RUMOR STARTED
AT MY SCHOOL?
- IT'S NOT FUNNY.
- COME ON, DARIA.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?
- IT'S NOT THAT... SO MUCH.
IT'S JUST THAT
THE IMPLICATION IS, WELL,
TO BE REALLY CLOSE,
COUPLES NEED PHYSICAL
AS WELL AS EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.
- BOY,
PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING.
LOOK, YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T READY, SO OKAY.
- OH, FINE.
JUST TAKE ME AT MY WORD.
- THAT IS WHAT YOU SAID, RIGHT?
I MEAN, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,
PLEASE.
- HEY, FAR BE IT FROM ME
TO PRESSURE YOU INTO ANYTHING.
- DARIA, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO, REMEMBER?
I BACKED OFF 'CAUSE I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED,
BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED
OTHERWISE.
SEE? ALL DONE.
- OKAY, FINE.
IN THE INTEREST OF MOVING
OUR RELATIONSHIP FORWARD
AND TAKING IT TO A NEW,
DEEPER LEVEL,
I'VE DECIDED I'M READY TOO,
DAMN IT.
- REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE?
- SURE, I'M SURE.
OF COURSE,
THERE'S THE ISSUE OF... YOU KNOW.
- NO PROBLEM.
I'VE GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.
YOU KNOW,
MY PARENTS WON'T BE HOME...
- WAIT, YOU JUST CARRY
ONE OF THOSE THINGS AROUND?
- WISHFUL THINKING?
- GOD, GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME.
- WHAT, RESPONSIBLE?
- YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE ARE RUSHING INTO THIS.
FORGET I BROUGHT IT UP.
- FORGET YOU BROUGHT IT UP?
JEEZ.
- HEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT
TO BE PUT ON THE SPOT.
- I THOUGHT YOU
JUST SAID YOU WANTED TO.
- NOT SO MUCH
THAT I'M RUNNING AROUND TOWN
WITH A NEON BIRTH CONTROL DEVICE
IN MY PURSE.
- LOOK,
I'VE BEEN A GOOD GUY ABOUT THIS.
YOU SAID YOU'RE READY,
SO I TRIED TO BE CONSCIENTIOUS,
AND NOW YOU DON'T WANT TO AGAIN.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
AND IT'S NOT NEON.
- I'M READY.
- YOU'RE SURE?
- POSITIVE.
- UM, OKAY.
WHEN WERE YOU THINKING,
UM, WE WOULD, YOU KNOW?
- UM, ANYTIME.
BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.
- UM, OKAY.
- IT'S DEFINITELY NOT NEON,
RIGHT?
SO, UM, SHOULD WE PICK A DATE?
- WELL, MY PARENTS ARE
GOING OUT OF TOWN NEXT WEEKEND.
HOW ABOUT THEN?
- NO FAIR.
HOME COURT ADVANTAGE.
- FINE.
YOUR PLACE.
- LIKE I'D EVER FIND
ALL THE MICROPHONES
MOM'S HIDDEN AROUND MY ROOM.
- THE RENDEZVOUS MOTEL?
YOU KNOW, ON ROUTE SIX.
- GEE, DON'T MAKE ME
FEEL TOO SPECIAL.
- ALL RIGHT,
THE BOATHOUSE AT THE LAKE
WITH THE STARS,
THE MOON, THE WATER?
- AND THE MOSQUITOES,
THE SPLINTERS,
THE SECURITY PATROL?
- OKAY, HOW ABOUT MARS THEN,
SOON AS THAT WHOLE COLONIZATION
THING GETS GOING?
- YOUR ROOM,
NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT AT 8:00.
- YO, KINKY SHOE GIRL,
GOOD NEWS.
THE MALAYSIAN FUNGUS HAS
YOUR SISTER DOWN TO THREE TOES,
AND ONE OF THEM IS DANGLING.
- THAT'S SO SAD.
- YEAH, AND THAT HOT NEWS FLASH
FROM THE LAWNDALE GOSSIP MILL
HAS LEFT YOU AND TOM
IN THE PROVERBIAL DUST.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE
ANYMORE, OR LACK THEREOF.
- UM, MAKE THAT
FORMER LACK THEREOF.
- DARIA!
- OR RATHER,
FUTURE FORMER LACK THEREOF.
- OH.
SO WHEN?
- SOON.
THIS WEEKEND.
- AH.
YOU SEEM A TAD...
WHAT'S THE WORD?
SCARED WITLESS.
- OKAY, SO I AM
A LITTLE VERY NERVOUS.
- OF COURSE YOU ARE.
THIS IS A BIG DECISION,
A DEFINING MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.
- OH, GOOD.
THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
- OR POSSIBLY JUST ANOTHER
ADOLESCENT EMBARRASSMENT
YOU'LL NEED TO REPRESS
IN ADULTHOOD
JUST TO GET OUT OF BED
IN THE MORNING.
- HUH.
SO FAR, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING
AFTER MY 12TH BIRTHDAY.
UM, YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL
REALLY HAPPEN, DO YOU?
- NO, NO, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
WELL, THEN, CONGRATULATIONS
OR WHATEVER THEY SAY
IN SITUATIONS LIKE THESE.
- I THINK IT'S "S.O.S."
- YOU SAID
I WAS BEING RIDICULOUS.
YOU SAID IT COULDN'T
BE A PARASITE.
- OKAY, JAKE. YOU WERE RIGHT.
I WAS WRONG.
- OH, SWEET MUSIC TO MY EARS.
- WHICH ONLY PROVES
THAT I WAS RIGHT
ABOUT TOKYO TOBY'S
BEING POISON IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- OH, YEAH.
UM, DARIA.
- DARIA. HI.
ANYTHING NEW?
- WELL, YOU DIDN'T
HEAR IT FROM ME,
BUT QUINN'S PLAYED HER LAST GAME
OF THIS LITTLE PIGGY.
- HMM, IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
AREN'T YOU GOING OUT WITH TOM?
- SORRY.
ONLY ONE QUESTION PER CUSTOMER.
PLEASE TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.
- DARIA, ABOUT THAT TALK
WE WERE GOING TO HAVE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.
WE COULD HAVE IT...
- NO, NO, THE END OF TIME
IS FINE FOR ME,
AND SPEAKING OF THE TIME...
- OKAY, EVEN IF YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT TOBY'S,
I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE PARASITE,
AND IT WAS
A DOUBLE-WIDE PARASITE,
SO THAT MAKES ME DOUBLY RIGHT.
- JAKE, NOT NOW.
I'M TALKING TO DARIA.
DARIA?
- GOD. SATURDAY ALREADY?
- WHEN IS QUINN GOING TO STOP
STORING HER NAIL POLISH IN THE...
OOH, SUNRISE SUBLIME.
HELLO?
OH, HI, TOM.
DARIA?
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.
SURE, I'LL TELL HER.
BYE.
DARIA, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- SURE. FINE.
NEVER BEEN BETTER.
- YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER KNOWN YOU
NOT TO WANT TO SPEAK TO TOM
OR WEAR SLICKY FINGERS
NAIL POLISH.
- UM, I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD TRY
EVERYTHING ONCE,
NO MATTER HOW
UNMISTAKABLY STUPID IT IS.
ALMOST EVERYTHING.
ANYWAY, GOT TO GO.
LOT OF HOMEWORK.
BIG ESSAY DUE. BIG ESSAY.
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE SEEING TOM TONIGHT.
DARIA?
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
DARIA.
- DEAR TOM, I'M SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
BUT WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT
FOR THE 50TH TIME,
I REALIZED I'M JUST NOT READY.
PLEASE LET THIS LETTER SERVE
AS MY ACCEPTANCE
OF THE INEVITABLE BREAKUP.
DARIA.
- DAMN.
- OH.
UM, YOU GOT MY NOTE?
- DARIA, HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
- I CAN'T HELP IT
IF I'M NOT READY.
I CAN'T CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL.
- NOT THAT.
I MEAN, HOW COULD YOU DUMP ME
WITHOUT EVEN TALKING IT OVER?
- LOOK, WE BOTH AGREED
THAT SLEEPING TOGETHER
WOULD BRING US CLOSER,
SO NOT DOING IT
MUST BE DRIVING US APART.
- NO, YOU SAID IT WOULD
BRING US CLOSER,
AND I SAID, "FINE,
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL."
I WASN'T PUSHING THIS.
YOU WERE, REMEMBER?
I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY
WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP
JUST THE WAY IT WAS.
- PERFECTLY HAPPY?
- OKAY, VERY CONTENT.
THE POINT IS, YOU'RE NOT READY.
I UNDERSTAND.
- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT READY.
IT'S THAT I'M SCARED.
- SAME THING.
- NO, IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
I JUST ADMITTED THAT I'M SCARED.
THE THOUGHT
OF THAT MUCH INTIMACY,
IT'S JUST OVERWHELMING TO ME.
- OH.
DARIA, YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER
DO ANYTHING
TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
- AND EVEN IF I COULD HANDLE IT,
WHAT IF YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED?
OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP
COULD BE RUINED.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID
IT'LL HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP,
AND THEN YOU BREAK UP WITH ME.
DOCTOR, MY HEAD.
- I THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT YOU'D WANT.
- THINK AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT,
DESPITE OURSELVES,
WE JUST REACHED
A NEW LEVEL OF INTIMACY.
- AND LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.
- HMM, FREE AIR FRESHENERS
WITH THE FRAGRANCE OF TUNA?
LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT,
AND, HEY, TOBY,
SPEAKING OF THINKING,
NOW, YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR
SUSHI'S DELICIOUS.
- ESPECIALLY THAT RICE
AND ROUNDWORM FILLING.
- BUT YOU MIGHT WANT
TO CHANGE SUPPLIERS.
SEE, I GOT A PARASITE FROM IT.
NO, IT WASN'T A LITTLE PARASITE.
IT WAS A BIG, MEAN PARASITE.
WELL, I'M FINE NOW.
I AM NOT WHINING.
HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
I MISSED THE DRAFT.
THE WAR WAS WINDING DOWN.
OH, YEAH?
LISTEN, YOU BIG FAT BLOWFISH...
- CAN I HAVE A RAISE?
- DAMN IT.
DARIA, DO YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE
OF THAT GUY AND HIS ROTTEN FISH?
- IF THAT ROTTEN FISH
HAS RESTORED COMMUNICATION
BETWEEN US, FATHER,
THEN I SAY HOORAY
FOR SMELLY OLD ROT.
- OH. OH.
- JAKE, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH. I MEAN NO.
I MEAN... HUH.
I THINK I FEEL
SOMETHING ELSE IN THERE.
I BET THAT PARASITE
LAID A WHOLE
EXTENDED FAMILY OF EGGS.
WHERE'S THAT MIRROR?
- DARIA...
- DOES ANYONE KNOW
HOW I GOT ON THE MAILING LIST
FOR TOOTSIE TECH,
WORLD'S LARGEST SUPPLIER
OF PROSTHETIC TOES BY MAIL?
- OOH, DO THEY HAVE THOSE
VINTAGE WOODEN ONES?
- UGH.
- UM, DARIA...
- TOM AND I DIDN'T HAVE SEX,
AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO
ANY TIME SOON,
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
A BOMB GOES OFF
AND AS EARTH'S
LAST TWO SURVIVORS,
WE MUST REPLENISH
THE HUMAN RACE.
ALTHOUGH, FRANKLY, THAT'S NOT
MOTIVATION ENOUGH FOR ME.
WELL, I CAN'T SAY
I'M NOT SOMEWHAT RELIEVED.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WHATEVER DECISIONS
YOU MAKE IN LIFE,
I'M ON YOUR SIDE AND...
- SO INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED
TO SUBLIMATE OUR URGES
BY TRAVELING CROSS-COUNTRY
WITH A MOTORCYCLE GANG.
- ALL RIGHT.
YOU JUST REMEMBER
TO CALL HOME ON SUNDAY NIGHTS.
- HEY.
- HA.
- DAMN IT, I THINK I CAN SEE
THEIR BEADY LITTLE EYES.
GOD HELP ME.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ THIS IS MY STOP ♪
♪ GOT TO GET OFF ♪
♪ I MAY GO POP ♪
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE DIRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ IF I'M WRONG, PLEASE CORRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- GOD, THIS IS DULL.
SO MUCH
FOR MY SILLY CHILDHOOD DREAM
OF BECOMING
A SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST.
- AT LEAST
YOU'RE NOT READING KANT.
THIS GUY GIVES DRY, PONDEROUS
INTELLECTUALS A BAD NAME.
- SPEAKING OF INTELLECTUALS.
- UGH, I JUST HAD
THE WORST DATE OF MY LIFE.
NOT ONLY
DID HE WEAR WHITE PANTS,
HIS CAR CD PLAYER SKIPPED,
AND IF THAT WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH,
HE SPENT THE WHOLE DINNER
TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF
AND THEN ACCUSED ME
OF NOT PAYING ATTENTION
JUST BECAUSE I HAD
TO QUICKLY CHECK MY LIPSTICK
IN THE BUTTER KNIFE.
WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO CHECK OUR MASCARA
IN THE SALAD TONGS.
- BUT YOU CAN'T GO.
I REALLY NEED
SOMEONE TO TALK TO,
AND ALL THE NORMAL PEOPLE
ARE OUT ON DATES.
- OH, WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO BARGE IN ON SOMEONE'S DATE.
- EXACTLY.
TIFFANY?
I HAD THE WORST EVENING.
FINE, HURRY UP
AND ORDER DESSERT.
- SO YOU SEE, TOBY,
A TOP-NOTCH MARKETING CONSULTANT
COULD REALLY
BEEF UP YOUR BUSINESS.
- ER, JAKE, WE'RE A SUSHI BAR.
DON'T YOU MEAN
"FISH UP MY BUSINESS"?
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE SAKE.
- DON'T MIND IF I DO.
- JAKE, HAVEN'T YOU HAD...
- HEY, HELEN,
WHY AREN'T YOU EATING?
NOT TRYING TO KEEP YOUR GIRLISH
FIGURE AT YOUR AGE, ARE YOU?
ACTUALLY, I HAD A LATE LUNCH...
FOLLOWED BY
AN INSUFFERABLE DINNER.
- WHAT IS THAT?
- EITHER A TRAVELING
BAND OF EUNUCHS,
OR QUINN'S FIGURED OUT HOW
TO TURN ON THE RADIO.
- GOD, DARIA,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THINGS WERE SO BAD AT HOME?
- I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO WORRY.
- OOPS.
- OH, GOD.
WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU
THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
WORKS FOR ME.
I'LL GO MYSELF.
IT'LL BE QUIETER.
- I'M STARVING.
SUSHI SUCKS.
SAKE ROCKS.
HEY, GOT TO REMEMBER THAT.
WHERE'S THE LASOONY?
HEY.
- MR. MORGENDORFFER.
I CAN EXPLAIN.
- TOM.
OH, HEY, YOU KNOW,
THAT DOOR STICKS ON ME TOO.
LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
HEY, YOU EVER TRY
ANY OF THAT SAKE?
IT SUCKS...
I MEAN, ROCKS.
- UM... NO.
YOU KNOW, THE AGE THING.
- OH, YEAH.
GOOD FOR YOU.
NICE GUY, THAT TOM.
- NO WONDER YOU CAN'T SLEEP.
TOKYO TOBY'S IS POISON.
- IS NOT.
HEY, I FORGOT TO OFFER TOM
SOME LASAN-Y.
- WHAT?
- DAMN.
ONE, ONE THOUSAND.
TWO, ONE THOUSAND.
THREE...
- DARIA, I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
- ONE THOUSAND.
- ALL RIGHT, DARIA.
I GUESS I CAN BELIEVE
YOUR STORY.
THOUGH IT SEEMS
PRETTY FAR-FETCHED TO ME
THAT TWO TEENAGERS
WITH RAGING HORMONES...
- MY HORMONES DON'T RAGE.
OH, SURE,
THEY GET MAD SOMETIMES,
BUT THEN THEY JUST
STOP SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU WEREN'T, YOU KNOW...
- I CERTAINLY DO KNOW, AND NO.
- THEN TELL ME ONCE AGAIN
WHY TOM WAS SLIPPING
OUT THE DOOR AT 4:00 A.M.
LIKE A COMMON CRIMINAL.
- PHONE.
- GEE, COULD THE SNEAKING AROUND
HAVE BEEN PART
OF A FUTILE ATTEMPT
TO AVOID AN UNNECESSARY
ALL-NIGHT LECTURE
ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY?
- ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT
I WAS A LITTLE UPSET,
BUT I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
THAT WHEN A MOTHER
SEES HER DAUGHTER,
HER LITTLE BABY GIRL
TO WHOM SHE GAVE LIFE...
- NOTHING HAPPENED.
I'D TELL YOU IF IT DID.
- YOU WOULD? REALLY?
- UM... ANYWAY,
YOU BELIEVE ME, RIGHT?
- STACY. STACY.
I CAN'T TALK ANY LOUDER,
YOU DOPE.
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU MY SISTER
HAD A GUY IN HER ROOM ALL NIGHT!
- SERIOUSLY, DARIA,
IF THE TIME COMES
WHEN YOU DECIDE THAT...
YOU KNOW...
I HOPE YOU WILL
COME TO ME FIRST.
- UM, WHAT?
- NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TRY
TO TALK YOU OUT OF IT,
WHICH IS NOT TO SAY I'M TRYING
TO TALK YOU INTO IT.
IT'S JUST THAT I'D LIKE
TO HAVE THE CHANCE
TO DISCUSS THINGS
WITH YOU FIRST.
I ONLY WISH
I COULD HAVE GONE TO MY MOTHER
BEFORE I MADE
SUCH AN AWFUL MISTAKE.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT STUNT DRIVERS
THAT MAKES OTHERWISE
LEVEL-HEADED TEENAGE GIRLS
JUST WHIP OFF THEIR...
- OKAY. OKAY.
UM... I'VE GOT TO STUDY.
BIG TEST. BIG TEST.
- HELEN, I THINK I'VE GOT
SOMETHING IN MY THROAT.
CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING DOWN THERE?
AH.
DARIA, I, UH...
- JAKE, NOTHING HAPPENED.
THE PROBLEM
WITH GOING TO RESTAURANTS
IS THAT THEY'RE NOT IN MY ROOM.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE
WITH HIKING TRAILS.
- MY, MY, MY.
IS THAT THE LOVELY
MISS MORGENDORFFER?
- CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE PASSED YOUR VISION TEST.
PLEASE PROCEED TO LINE "B"
FOR YOUR WRITTEN.
- AND YOU'VE PASSED YOUR
ADMISSION TEST TO CLUB D'AMORE.
PLEASE CHECK
YOUR INHIBITIONS AT THE DOOR.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- HIS PARENTS FORGOT
TO PUT DECALS
ON THE SLIDING GLASS DOORS.
- HEY, DARIA'S GUY.
WAIT TO GO, MAN.
- EXCUSE ME?
- YOU KNOW,
YOU DID THE WILD WALK,
MADE A TOUCHDOWN,
SIGNED THE DEED.
- TONIGHT'S BABEL CHAT
WAS HOSTED BY KEVIN THOMPSON.
- OH, DARIA,
NOW WE CAN HAVE WOMANLY TALKS.
- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU RANTING ABOUT?
- YOU KNOW.
- LET'S GO, BABE,
AND LEAVE THE LOVE-BABES ALONE.
- THAT WAS WEIRD, EVEN FOR THEM.
- WE'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THE PARMESAN FUMES
GET TO US TOO.
- DAMN IT, HELEN, I KNOW THERE'S
SOMETHING CRAWLING UP MY THROAT,
AND I THINK IT'S A PARASITE
COURTESY OF TOKYO TOBY'S
PARASITE RESTAURANT.
IF I STAND STILL, I CAN EVEN
FEEL IT LAUGHING INSIDE OF ME.
- NOW YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
EVEN IF THAT HORRIBLE SUSHI
DID HAVE A PARASITE,
IT COULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED
THAT MUCH SAKE.
- DARIA, I, UM, UH...
- YOUR FATHER THINKS HE PICKED
UP A PARASITE EATING SUSHI.
- YOU MEAN THE KIND THAT DRILL
THROUGH YOUR INTESTINES,
TWISTING AND TURNING
AND DRIVING YOU SLOWLY INSANE
UNTIL THEY GROW EIGHT FEET LONG
AND CORKSCREW OUT
THROUGH YOUR VITAL ORGANS?
- DARIA.
- HELP ME, HELEN,
BEFORE THE MADNESS SETS IN.
- ANY FURTHER.
- DARIA.
- HELLO?
OH, TOBY.
LISTEN, ABOUT YOUR
SO-CALLED FRESH SUSHI...
I GOT THE JOB?
HOW MUCH?
WOW!
I MEAN,
I THINK I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
HELEN, I GOT THE JOB.
- AND ALL THE PARASITES
YOU CAN EAT.
- PARASITES?
YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT'S PROBABLY
JUST A SORE THROAT.
I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP.
- HEY.
- AH, I'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOUR CALL.
- HUH?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M LISTENING.
BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, AT LEAST
SPARE ME THE SQUISHIER DETAILS
AND THE RAPTUROUS DECLARATIONS
OF UNDYING LOVE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT ARE YOU?
- I WAS HOPING
YOU COULD TELL ME.
TOM AND I RAN
INTO SOME PEOPLE FROM SCHOOL,
AND THEY KEPT ALLUDING TO...
I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO GUESS WHAT.
IS SOMETHING GOING ON?
- COME ON, DARIA. YOU KNOW.
- KNOW WHAT?
- YOU DON'T KNOW?
- WHAT? JUST TELL ME.
- WELL,
THERE'S THIS RUMOR GOING AROUND
THAT YOU AND TOM...
SLEPT TOGETHER.
- HUH?
- AND THAT YOUR
FATHER WALKED IN RIGHT...
WELL, RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS.
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND, DARIA, SINCE WHEN DO YOU
OWN A PAIR OF BLACK HIGH HEELS?
- THAT'S NOT RIGHT EITHER.
OH, THE CURSE
OF HAVING TWO GOOD SHOULDERS.
DARIA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
- I WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU TOLD EVERYONE AT SCHOOL
ABOUT ME AND TOM.
- I DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
BESIDES,
I SWORE STACY TO SECRECY,
BUT THEN SHE TOLD SANDY
AND TIFFANY,
SO IF YOU'RE MAD AT ANYONE,
IT SHOULD BE STACY AND NOT ME.
- UH-HUH.
LOOK, DAMN IT,
NOTHING HAPPENED...
- STOP!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ANY OF THE SORDID DETAILS.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT COUPLE PEOPLE DO.
- AND I'M TELLING YOU, NOTHING...
- OKAY. OKAY.
LOOK, I GOT TO, UM, GO SHOPPING.
BIG SALE. BIG SALE.
- QUINN, LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE...
- HALF OFF. GOT TO GO. BYE.
- CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
- SURE, WHAT'S UP?
- UM... YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD
THE RUMOR ABOUT ME AND TOM.
- HEY, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, RIGHT?
THIS ISN'T THE '50s,
WHEN WOMEN HAD TO WORRY ABOUT
THEIR REPUTATIONS.
- BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.
I NEVER SLEPT WITH TOM,
AND I DON'T OWN ANY HIGH HEELS.
I DON'T EVEN OWN ANY LOW HEELS.
- DARIA, IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
BESIDES, YOU AND TOM HAVE BEEN
GOING OUT FOR SO LONG,
I'D THINK BY NOW YOU'D WANT
TO DO MORE
THAN JUST HOLD HANDS... RIGHT?
- UM...
- HEY, SEX IS NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF
AS LONG AS YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE.
- SO THEN YOU AND MACK HAVE...
BEEN RESPONSIBLE?
- UM, I REALLY DON'T WANT
TO DISCUSS THAT RIGHT NOW.
- I UNDERSTAND.
- I PROMISE,
SOON AS MY PARENTS ARE DEAD,
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
- OKAY, JUST SO LONG AS THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
AND I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT
OF BEING UNPOPULAR
WAS THAT NO ONE KNOWS YOU EXIST
OR TALKS ABOUT YOU.
- IT'S BEEN A SLOW NEWS WEEK.
DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL GO BACK TO
NOT RECOGNIZING YOU SOON ENOUGH.
- EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU NEVER HAD A RUMOR
CIRCULATING AROUND SCHOOL
THAT YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE.
- WELL,
IF THAT EVER DOES HAPPEN,
I HOPE THE GUY'S
A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.
LOOK, WHY DOES THIS BOTHER YOU
SO MUCH, ANYWAY?
IT CAN'T BE YOU'RE WORRIED KEVIN
WON'T RESPECT YOU.
- NO, I GUESS IT'S
THE ASSUMPTION
THAT IF YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
YOU'RE HAVING SEX.
SO IF YOU'RE NOT,
DOES THAT MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
ANY LESS OF ONE?
- I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE JUMPED
TOM WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.
KIDDING.
I TOLD YOU,
I'M WAITING TILL COLLEGE,
11:00 A.M. ON MOVE-IN DAY.
- AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT A PLAN.
- ANYWAY,
BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
CAN'T POSSIBLY HINGE
ON PHYSICAL INTIMACY,
'CAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN
OUR PARENTS ARE STILL DOING IT.
- WHICH IS ABSURD.
- NO CHANCE.
- I'D JOIN THE CIRCUS.
- RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
- THANKS FOR YOUR INSIGHT.
- WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
- YOU REALLY THINK
ONCE SOME NEW RUMOR COMES ALONG
EVERYONE WILL FORGET ABOUT ME
AND TOM?
- I'M SURE OF IT.
- GOOD, BECAUSE MY SISTER'S GOT
A RARE FORM
OF MALAYSIAN TOENAIL FUNGUS.
- OOH, THAT CAN BE TERMINAL.
- WHOA, THAT IS ONE HELL
OF A PARASITE.
NOW HOLD ON.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
- HERE. TAKE A LOOK.
- EW.
UM, MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT
FROM THAT DAMN
FOOD-ROTTING TUPPERWARE.
- TUPPERWARE?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HAD SUSHI?
- LAST WEEKEND AT TOKYO TOBY'S.
- TOKYO TOBY'S?
WHEN IS THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT
GOING TO SHUT
THAT WORM FACTORY DOWN?
THIS IS THE THIRD
ANISAKID I'VE SEEN
COME OUT OF THAT PLACE
IN TWO MONTHS.
- OH.
- CAN ANGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING
REALLY HELP GORILLAS
AVOID EXTINCTION?
MAYBE, BUT IT'S NOT DOING MUCH
FOR THE PSYCHIATRISTS.
"THE APES OF WRATH,"
TODAY ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU HARDLY SAID A WORD
WHEN THE MONSTER ATTACKED
THE GIRLS' SWIM TEAM,
ALL THOSE VITAL ORGANS BOBBING
AROUND IN THE WATER.
- I KNOW I SHOULDN'T
LET IT BOTHER ME,
BUT THERE'S THIS RUMOR
GOING AROUND SCHOOL
THAT YOU AND I SLEPT TOGETHER.
- REALLY?
CAN WE GET THAT RUMOR STARTED
AT MY SCHOOL?
- IT'S NOT FUNNY.
- COME ON, DARIA.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?
- IT'S NOT THAT... SO MUCH.
IT'S JUST THAT
THE IMPLICATION IS, WELL,
TO BE REALLY CLOSE,
COUPLES NEED PHYSICAL
AS WELL AS EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.
- BOY,
PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING.
LOOK, YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T READY, SO OKAY.
- OH, FINE.
JUST TAKE ME AT MY WORD.
- THAT IS WHAT YOU SAID, RIGHT?
I MEAN, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,
PLEASE.
- HEY, FAR BE IT FROM ME
TO PRESSURE YOU INTO ANYTHING.
- DARIA, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO, REMEMBER?
I BACKED OFF 'CAUSE I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED,
BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED
OTHERWISE.
SEE? ALL DONE.
- OKAY, FINE.
IN THE INTEREST OF MOVING
OUR RELATIONSHIP FORWARD
AND TAKING IT TO A NEW,
DEEPER LEVEL,
I'VE DECIDED I'M READY TOO,
DAMN IT.
- REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE?
- SURE, I'M SURE.
OF COURSE,
THERE'S THE ISSUE OF... YOU KNOW.
- NO PROBLEM.
I'VE GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.
YOU KNOW,
MY PARENTS WON'T BE HOME...
- WAIT, YOU JUST CARRY
ONE OF THOSE THINGS AROUND?
- WISHFUL THINKING?
- GOD, GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME.
- WHAT, RESPONSIBLE?
- YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE ARE RUSHING INTO THIS.
FORGET I BROUGHT IT UP.
- FORGET YOU BROUGHT IT UP?
JEEZ.
- HEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT
TO BE PUT ON THE SPOT.
- I THOUGHT YOU
JUST SAID YOU WANTED TO.
- NOT SO MUCH
THAT I'M RUNNING AROUND TOWN
WITH A NEON BIRTH CONTROL DEVICE
IN MY PURSE.
- LOOK,
I'VE BEEN A GOOD GUY ABOUT THIS.
YOU SAID YOU'RE READY,
SO I TRIED TO BE CONSCIENTIOUS,
AND NOW YOU DON'T WANT TO AGAIN.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
AND IT'S NOT NEON.
- I'M READY.
- YOU'RE SURE?
- POSITIVE.
- UM, OKAY.
WHEN WERE YOU THINKING,
UM, WE WOULD, YOU KNOW?
- UM, ANYTIME.
BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.
- UM, OKAY.
- IT'S DEFINITELY NOT NEON,
RIGHT?
SO, UM, SHOULD WE PICK A DATE?
- WELL, MY PARENTS ARE
GOING OUT OF TOWN NEXT WEEKEND.
HOW ABOUT THEN?
- NO FAIR.
HOME COURT ADVANTAGE.
- FINE.
YOUR PLACE.
- LIKE I'D EVER FIND
ALL THE MICROPHONES
MOM'S HIDDEN AROUND MY ROOM.
- THE RENDEZVOUS MOTEL?
YOU KNOW, ON ROUTE SIX.
- GEE, DON'T MAKE ME
FEEL TOO SPECIAL.
- ALL RIGHT,
THE BOATHOUSE AT THE LAKE
WITH THE STARS,
THE MOON, THE WATER?
- AND THE MOSQUITOES,
THE SPLINTERS,
THE SECURITY PATROL?
- OKAY, HOW ABOUT MARS THEN,
SOON AS THAT WHOLE COLONIZATION
THING GETS GOING?
- YOUR ROOM,
NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT AT 8:00.
- YO, KINKY SHOE GIRL,
GOOD NEWS.
THE MALAYSIAN FUNGUS HAS
YOUR SISTER DOWN TO THREE TOES,
AND ONE OF THEM IS DANGLING.
- THAT'S SO SAD.
- YEAH, AND THAT HOT NEWS FLASH
FROM THE LAWNDALE GOSSIP MILL
HAS LEFT YOU AND TOM
IN THE PROVERBIAL DUST.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE
ANYMORE, OR LACK THEREOF.
- UM, MAKE THAT
FORMER LACK THEREOF.
- DARIA!
- OR RATHER,
FUTURE FORMER LACK THEREOF.
- OH.
SO WHEN?
- SOON.
THIS WEEKEND.
- AH.
YOU SEEM A TAD...
WHAT'S THE WORD?
SCARED WITLESS.
- OKAY, SO I AM
A LITTLE VERY NERVOUS.
- OF COURSE YOU ARE.
THIS IS A BIG DECISION,
A DEFINING MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.
- OH, GOOD.
THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
- OR POSSIBLY JUST ANOTHER
ADOLESCENT EMBARRASSMENT
YOU'LL NEED TO REPRESS
IN ADULTHOOD
JUST TO GET OUT OF BED
IN THE MORNING.
- HUH.
SO FAR, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING
AFTER MY 12TH BIRTHDAY.
UM, YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL
REALLY HAPPEN, DO YOU?
- NO, NO, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
WELL, THEN, CONGRATULATIONS
OR WHATEVER THEY SAY
IN SITUATIONS LIKE THESE.
- I THINK IT'S "S.O.S."
- YOU SAID
I WAS BEING RIDICULOUS.
YOU SAID IT COULDN'T
BE A PARASITE.
- OKAY, JAKE. YOU WERE RIGHT.
I WAS WRONG.
- OH, SWEET MUSIC TO MY EARS.
- WHICH ONLY PROVES
THAT I WAS RIGHT
ABOUT TOKYO TOBY'S
BEING POISON IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- OH, YEAH.
UM, DARIA.
- DARIA. HI.
ANYTHING NEW?
- WELL, YOU DIDN'T
HEAR IT FROM ME,
BUT QUINN'S PLAYED HER LAST GAME
OF THIS LITTLE PIGGY.
- HMM, IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
AREN'T YOU GOING OUT WITH TOM?
- SORRY.
ONLY ONE QUESTION PER CUSTOMER.
PLEASE TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.
- DARIA, ABOUT THAT TALK
WE WERE GOING TO HAVE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.
WE COULD HAVE IT...
- NO, NO, THE END OF TIME
IS FINE FOR ME,
AND SPEAKING OF THE TIME...
- OKAY, EVEN IF YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT TOBY'S,
I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE PARASITE,
AND IT WAS
A DOUBLE-WIDE PARASITE,
SO THAT MAKES ME DOUBLY RIGHT.
- JAKE, NOT NOW.
I'M TALKING TO DARIA.
DARIA?
- GOD. SATURDAY ALREADY?
- WHEN IS QUINN GOING TO STOP
STORING HER NAIL POLISH IN THE...
OOH, SUNRISE SUBLIME.
HELLO?
OH, HI, TOM.
DARIA?
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.
SURE, I'LL TELL HER.
BYE.
DARIA, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- SURE. FINE.
NEVER BEEN BETTER.
- YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER KNOWN YOU
NOT TO WANT TO SPEAK TO TOM
OR WEAR SLICKY FINGERS
NAIL POLISH.
- UM, I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD TRY
EVERYTHING ONCE,
NO MATTER HOW
UNMISTAKABLY STUPID IT IS.
ALMOST EVERYTHING.
ANYWAY, GOT TO GO.
LOT OF HOMEWORK.
BIG ESSAY DUE. BIG ESSAY.
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE SEEING TOM TONIGHT.
DARIA?
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
DARIA.
- DEAR TOM, I'M SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
BUT WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT
FOR THE 50TH TIME,
I REALIZED I'M JUST NOT READY.
PLEASE LET THIS LETTER SERVE
AS MY ACCEPTANCE
OF THE INEVITABLE BREAKUP.
DARIA.
- DAMN.
- OH.
UM, YOU GOT MY NOTE?
- DARIA, HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
- I CAN'T HELP IT
IF I'M NOT READY.
I CAN'T CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL.
- NOT THAT.
I MEAN, HOW COULD YOU DUMP ME
WITHOUT EVEN TALKING IT OVER?
- LOOK, WE BOTH AGREED
THAT SLEEPING TOGETHER
WOULD BRING US CLOSER,
SO NOT DOING IT
MUST BE DRIVING US APART.
- NO, YOU SAID IT WOULD
BRING US CLOSER,
AND I SAID, "FINE,
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL."
I WASN'T PUSHING THIS.
YOU WERE, REMEMBER?
I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY
WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP
JUST THE WAY IT WAS.
- PERFECTLY HAPPY?
- OKAY, VERY CONTENT.
THE POINT IS, YOU'RE NOT READY.
I UNDERSTAND.
- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT READY.
IT'S THAT I'M SCARED.
- SAME THING.
- NO, IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
I JUST ADMITTED THAT I'M SCARED.
THE THOUGHT
OF THAT MUCH INTIMACY,
IT'S JUST OVERWHELMING TO ME.
- OH.
DARIA, YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER
DO ANYTHING
TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
- AND EVEN IF I COULD HANDLE IT,
WHAT IF YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED?
OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP
COULD BE RUINED.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID
IT'LL HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP,
AND THEN YOU BREAK UP WITH ME.
DOCTOR, MY HEAD.
- I THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT YOU'D WANT.
- THINK AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT,
DESPITE OURSELVES,
WE JUST REACHED
A NEW LEVEL OF INTIMACY.
- AND LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.
- HMM, FREE AIR FRESHENERS
WITH THE FRAGRANCE OF TUNA?
LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT,
AND, HEY, TOBY,
SPEAKING OF THINKING,
NOW, YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR
SUSHI'S DELICIOUS.
- ESPECIALLY THAT RICE
AND ROUNDWORM FILLING.
- BUT YOU MIGHT WANT
TO CHANGE SUPPLIERS.
SEE, I GOT A PARASITE FROM IT.
NO, IT WASN'T A LITTLE PARASITE.
IT WAS A BIG, MEAN PARASITE.
WELL, I'M FINE NOW.
I AM NOT WHINING.
HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
I MISSED THE DRAFT.
THE WAR WAS WINDING DOWN.
OH, YEAH?
LISTEN, YOU BIG FAT BLOWFISH...
- CAN I HAVE A RAISE?
- DAMN IT.
DARIA, DO YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE
OF THAT GUY AND HIS ROTTEN FISH?
- IF THAT ROTTEN FISH
HAS RESTORED COMMUNICATION
BETWEEN US, FATHER,
THEN I SAY HOORAY
FOR SMELLY OLD ROT.
- OH. OH.
- JAKE, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH. I MEAN NO.
I MEAN... HUH.
I THINK I FEEL
SOMETHING ELSE IN THERE.
I BET THAT PARASITE
LAID A WHOLE
EXTENDED FAMILY OF EGGS.
WHERE'S THAT MIRROR?
- DARIA...
- DOES ANYONE KNOW
HOW I GOT ON THE MAILING LIST
FOR TOOTSIE TECH,
WORLD'S LARGEST SUPPLIER
OF PROSTHETIC TOES BY MAIL?
- OOH, DO THEY HAVE THOSE
VINTAGE WOODEN ONES?
- UGH.
- UM, DARIA...
- TOM AND I DIDN'T HAVE SEX,
AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO
ANY TIME SOON,
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
A BOMB GOES OFF
AND AS EARTH'S
LAST TWO SURVIVORS,
WE MUST REPLENISH
THE HUMAN RACE.
ALTHOUGH, FRANKLY, THAT'S NOT
MOTIVATION ENOUGH FOR ME.
WELL, I CAN'T SAY
I'M NOT SOMEWHAT RELIEVED.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WHATEVER DECISIONS
YOU MAKE IN LIFE,
I'M ON YOUR SIDE AND...
- SO INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED
TO SUBLIMATE OUR URGES
BY TRAVELING CROSS-COUNTRY
WITH A MOTORCYCLE GANG.
- ALL RIGHT.
YOU JUST REMEMBER
TO CALL HOME ON SUNDAY NIGHTS.
- HEY.
- HA.
- DAMN IT, I THINK I CAN SEE
THEIR BEADY LITTLE EYES.
GOD HELP ME.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪