Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 8 - Psycho Therapy - full transcript
Helen's law firm has her and her entire family come to a psychological center for personality evaluations.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
- UGH, SUGAR TARTS?
HAVEN'T YOU EVER
HEARD THE EXPRESSION
"YOU EAT WHAT YOU ARE"?
- HAVEN'T YOU EVER
HEARD THE EXPRESSION
"GET THE HELL AWAY
FROM ME"?
- YOU WANT SOME MILK,
KIDDO?
- NO, THANKS.
READ THE WARNING LABEL.
"CONTAINS TRYPTOPHANE,
HIGHLY RELAXING,
DO NOT COMBINE
WITH HIGH SCHOOL."
- I DON'T SEE THAT.
DOES MILK REALLY RELAX YOU?
- IT'S NOT
QUITE AS EFFECTIVE
WHEN DILUTED
WITH THREE CUPS OF COFFEE.
- GOOD MORNING!
- MOM?
- WHO'D LIKE A NICE
HOT BREAKFAST A LA HELEN?
- HOT BREAK...
HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH
"THE CHANGE," ARE YOU?
- MY 7:00 A.M. MEETING
GOT CANCELLED,
SO I THOUGHT WE COULD ENJOY
SOME EXTRA FAMILY TIME.
DARIA,
CAN I MAKE YOU BREAKFAST?
- SURE, PUSH THE LEVER.
- DARIA!
SUGAR TARTS?
- HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
FROZEN BURRITOS WON'T FIT.
- JAKE, QUINN,
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
- ACTUALLY, I SAW THESE
REALLY CUTE ZIPPER BOOTS
AT CASHMAN'S.
- I MEANT
FOR BREAKFAST.
- I COULD WEAR THEM
DURING BREAKFAST.
[cell phone trills]
- ERIC?
WHAT?
WHEN?
HOW?
OF COURSE NOT,
NOT A PROBLEM.
- YOU KNOW,
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, HONEY,
I COULD SURE USE ONE OF
YOUR EGG WHITE OMELETS.
YUM.
- JAKE, CAN'T YOU EVER THINK
OF ANYONE BUT YOURSELF?
I'VE GOT A HUGE EMERGENCY
AT THE OFFICE.
MY 7:00'S BACK ON,
AND I'M LATE.
- WHAT'D I DO?
- DAMN, I'LL HAVE TO MAKE
MY OWN BREAKFAST.
NOW I'M TOO TIRED TO EAT.
- ABSOLUTELY.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
I'LL STAY HERE ALL NIGHT
IF I HAVE TO.
WE'RE JUST HAPPY
TO BE IN BUSINESS WITH YOU.
BYE-BYE.
WHAT IS IT?
- THAT MR. O'NEILL
IS ON THE LINE
ABOUT THE PARENT-TEACHER
MEETING.
I NEED TO KNOW
WHICH EXCUSE TO GIVE.
- HMM.
TELL HIM I HAVE TO DO
MY PRO BONO WORK
WITH THE FREE CLINIC.
WE HAVEN'T USED THAT ONE
IN A WHILE.
WHAT?
YOU THINK
I'M A ROTTEN MOTHER?
- I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,
HELEN.
- BUT YOU'D THINK IT.
- UM...
- WHAT?
DO YOU AGREE WITH ME
OR DON'T YOU?
- MAY I GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
- COURSE, YOU CAN.
WHAT KIND OF SLAVE SHIP
YOU THINK WE'RE RUNNING HERE?
[laughter]
STRANGE WOMAN.
- OH, ERIC.
DID I TELL YOU
WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT WAS
TO WATCH YOU
IN THAT MEETING THIS MORNING?
THE WAY YOU JUST REELED OFF
THE TAX CODE WAS RIVETING.
- WHAT CAN I SAY?
YOU BUILD A TOP LAW FIRM;
YOU'RE BOUND TO PICK UP
A FEW TRICKS ALONG THE WAY.
- WELL, ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO KEEP THE FIRM NUMBER ONE,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF
A LITTLE HARD WORK OR A LOT.
- I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.
THAT'S WHAT BRINGS ME
IN HERE TODAY.
- THE RETREAT?
- IT'S YOUR TURN,
HELEN.
THE BIG DOGS
THINK YOU'RE READY.
- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
THE WHOLE FAMILY?
- WE WANT TO GET A LOOK
AT HELEN MORGENDORFFER
WEARING ALL THREE HATS:
WIFE, MOTHER, LAWYER.
AND WHAT WE SEE JUST MIGHT
LEAD TO HAT NUMBER FOUR:
PARTNER.
- I HATE THE WAY
I LOOK IN HATS.
[nervous giggle]
- A SPA?
GREAT.
I NEED A FACIAL SO BAD.
- DON'T GET EXCITED.
THIS SAYS
IT'S A SPA FOR THE SOUL.
DIDN'T YOU SELL YOURS
A WHILE BACK?
- WHO THE HELL
IS PAYING FOR THIS?
DAMN IT.
WHERE'S THE MILK?
- RELAX, JAKE.
THE FIRM'S PAYING.
- "WE EXERCISE YOUR INSIDE
INSTEAD OF YOUR OUTSIDE."
GOOD, MY PANCREAS
COULD REALLY USE A WORKOUT.
- EW!
WHAT GOOD IS EXERCISING
IF YOU CAN'T EVEN
SEE THE RESULTS?
- QUINN, THIS IS ABOUT
FAMILY TOGETHERNESS.
WE GET TO HAVE FUN
WHILE I GET TO SHOW
I'M PARTNER MATERIAL.
- I SEE.
WE'RE BEING GRADED
ON OUR FAMILY LIFE.
GEE, LOOK AT THE TIME.
1984 ALREADY.
- OH, DARIA,
DON'T BE SILLY.
NOW, WE HAVE TO FILL OUT
THESE QUESTIONNAIRES
SO I CAN FAX THEM OVER.
ISN'T IT NICE THEY WANT TO GET
TO KNOW US BEFORE WE ARRIVE?
- SURE, SO THEY'LL KNOW
WHO TO MAKE INTO A DRONE
AND WHO JUST
TO KILL OUTRIGHT.
- JAKE,
I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE.
- AH.
WHAT?
- "WHICH ANIMAL
WOULD YOU RATHER BE?
A DOG, A SEAL, OR A LION?"
- HOW ABOUT A BAT?
- BAT'S NOT AN OPTION.
- WRITE IT IN.
- NOW EXPLAIN YOUR CHOICE
IN A BRIEF SENTENCE.
- I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO SLEEP UPSIDE DOWN
AND SPREAD RABIES.
- SOUNDS MORE LIKE IT SHOULD
GO UNDER "CAREER GOALS,"
BUT ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, WORLD, MEET JANE-CAM,
ALL JANE
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, EXCEPT NAKED TIME.
- YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE
HAVING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN,
AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
STRANGERS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
OBSERVING YOUR EVERY MOVE?
- ALL OVER THE WORLD.
IT'S A PUBLIC SERVICE.
IF MY MUNDANE LITTLE LIFE
CAN SOMEHOW PROVIDE COMFORT
TO LONELY WEB TROLLERS,
THEN I'LL KNOW MY TIME
HERE ON EARTH WASN'T WASTED.
- A NOBLE CAUSE.
IT SUITS YOU WELL.
- AND IT REQUIRES
PRACTICALLY NO EFFORT.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.
- BEAUTIFUL.
NOW, REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS
OUR LITTLE SECRET.
I DON'T WANT THE CAMERA TO
INFLUENCE MY GUESTS' BEHAVIOR.
DARIA?
- JAKE!
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
PLEASE STEP ON IT.
- WHAT'S THE HURRY?
WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.
SIT BACK
AND SMELL THE ROSES.
- WHICH HAPPEN TO HAVE AN AROMA
VERY SIMILAR TO GAS FUMES.
- SIT BACK?
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL
TRYPTOPHANE.
- WE'LL SCORE THAT A "YES."
- GIVE ME THAT.
[tires squeal]
- DAD!
- DAMN IT, HELEN!
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- GET OUT.
I'M DRIVING.
THINKING A LITTLE MILK
IS GOING TO CALM YOU DOWN,
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
OF ALL
THE RIDICULOUS IDEAS...
GIVE ME THAT.
- NOW, REMEMBER,
NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
- UH-OH.
FOUR FLEW
INTO THE CUCKOO'S NEST.
- HELLO,
I'M HELEN MORGENDORFFER.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND,
JAKE,
AND MY DAUGHTERS,
QUINN AND DARIA.
- OH, SO YOU'RE DARIA.
- YOU'VE HEARD OF ME?
- DARIA, WE HAVE
A VERY NICE ROOM FOR YOU.
DO YOU LIKE
EGGSHELL WHITE?
- YOU GOT ANYTHING
IN GYM MAT GRAY?
- EXCUSE ME,
BUT WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- WE ANALYZED
YOUR DAUGHTER'S QUESTIONNAIRE,
AND, WELL,
WE'RE A LITTLE CONCERNED.
- "FAVORITE PASTIME:
CHANGING WATER INTO WINE"?
- I KNEW I SHOULD'VE GONE
WITH THE BURNING BUSH.
- WE THINK IT MIGHT BE BEST
TO PUT HER
UNDER A LITTLE THING WE CALL
"INTENSIVE OBSERVATION."
- IT'S ABOUT TIME.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH DARIA.
- YEAH,
SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
- QUINN!
OUR DAUGHTER HAS
AN ECCENTRIC SENSE OF HUMOR,
BUT SHE'S PERFECTLY FINE.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
SHE'S ONE
OF THE GAMMA PEOPLE.
- DOCTORS, I THINK
WE GOT OUR HOPES UP.
BETTER LEAVE THIS ONE ALONE.
- CAN'T WE AT LEAST
SEDATE HER?
- SORRY.
- [sighs]
- THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA ♪
[keys clacking]
[jazzy electronic music]
♪ ♪
- A LITTLE WIDER.
WE CAN'T SEE
ALL YOUR FILLINGS.
NICE SAVE.
- HELLO, DARIA.
I'M YOUR
ONE-ON-ONE COUNSELOR.
ARE YOU PLAYING A GAME?
- NO, JUST TALKING
TO THE COMPUTER.
- DO YOU ALWAYS
TALK TO YOUR COMPUTER?
- ONLY WHEN
THE REFRIGERATOR'S MAD AT ME.
- AH, YOU KNOW, DARIA,
WE OFTEN USE HUMOR
AS A BARRIER
TO PREVENT OTHERS
FROM TRYING TO GET TOO CLOSE.
- IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE WORKING ON YOU, HOWEVER.
- WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO HIDE?
- NOTHING.
I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY MUCH
AND FEEL THAT SHE'D MAKE
AN EXCELLENT LAW PARTNER.
OH, DEAR.
I THINK I HEAR MY RIDE.
- DARIA, WHY DON'T WE
HAVE A NICE TALK?
- [sighs]
- ALL RIGHT, HELEN.
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT START OFF
WITH A LITTLE WORD ASSOCIATION.
RED.
- BLUE.
- PEN.
- PENCIL.
- MAG...
- SUBSCRIPTION.
- MAGNET.
- OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO SAY "MAGAZINE."
MAGNET.
UM, METAL.
NO, WAIT.
I CAN DO BETTER.
- RELAX.
- RELAX?
HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN SOMEONE
SAYS "RELAX" LIKE THAT?
- NO.
"RELAXATION."
IT'S ONE OF THE WORDS.
- OH, UM,
WASTE OF FREAKING TIME.
WAIT!
CAN I DO THAT ONE OVER?
- ISN'T SOMEONE GONNA TALK HERE?
- ALL RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT BEING HERE?
- HEY,
IT'S NOT MY NICKEL.
- WOULD THAT BE A PROBLEM?
- WELL, CONSIDERING THIS
IS A WORK THING FOR MY WIFE...
- AND HOW DOES THAT
MAKE YOU FEEL?
- HOW DOES WHAT
MAKE ME FEEL?
- BEING HERE FOR YOUR WIFE.
- FINE.
- REALLY?
- A-OKAY.
- HOW LONG...
- I'M FINE WITH IT.
DAMN IT!
- ALL RIGHT.
MOVING ON.
ARE YOU FEELING
A LITTLE STRESSED?
- STRESSED?
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME
I'M STRESSED?
IF I WEREN'T STRESSED,
I'D GET STRESSED BY EVERYONE
TELLING ME I'M STRESSED!
ANY MILK AROUND HERE?
I NEED SOME MILK.
- UH-HUH.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD
THIS CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY?
- AND SOMETIMES CONDITIONERS
ARE REALLY MORE LIKE
CREAM RINSES
AND CREAM RINSES
ARE MORE LIKE CONDITIONERS,
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW
UNTIL AFTER YOU TRY THEM,
AND BY THEN,
IT'S TOO LATE.
OF COURSE,
THAT JUST ADDS
TO ALL THE PRESSURE
I'M ALREADY UNDER.
I MEAN,
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
ALL THE DECISIONS
I HAVE TO MAKE.
I WAKE UP FEELING
LIKE IT'S A FLAT SHOE DAY,
BUT THEN
AFTER I BRUSH MY TEETH,
IT STARTS TO FEEL
MORE LIKE A SANDAL DAY,
AND YOU CAN'T JUST GO ON
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE WEARING
ON YOUR FEET...
- MOM'S RESENTFUL
THAT SHE HAS TO WORK SO HARD,
WHICH OBSCURES HER GUILT
ABOUT ACTUALLY WANTING
TO WORK SO HARD.
DAD'S GUILTY ABOUT
BEING LESS DRIVEN THAN MOM
BUT THINKS IT'S WRONG
TO FEEL THAT WAY.
SO HE HIDES BEHIND
A SMOKESCREEN OF CLUELESSNESS.
QUINN WEARS SUPERFICIALITY
LIKE A SUIT OF ARMOR,
'CAUSE SHE'S AFRAID
OF LOOKING INSIDE
AND FINDING
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND I'M SO DEFENDED
THAT I ACTIVELY WORK
TO MAKE PEOPLE DISLIKE ME
SO I WON'T FEEL BAD
WHEN THEY DO.
CAN I GO NOW?
- TELL ME, DARIA.
HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN HYPNOTIZED?
- AND THEN SANDI WENT OUT
AND GOT THE SAME SHOES
THAT I HAD FIRST...
THE CUTE LITTLE T-STRAPS
WITH THE GLITTER BUCKLE...
AND STACEY'S LIKE,
"SANDI, I LOVE YOUR SANDALS,"
LIKE SANDI HAD SUCH GREAT TASTE
OR SOMETHING
WHEN ALL SHE DID
WAS COPY ME.
I MEAN,
EVERYONE KNOWS
I WROTE THE BOOK ON
STRAPPY SANDALS AT LAWNDALE,
NOT AN ACTUAL BOOK,
OF COURSE.
THAT WOULD MAKE ME
SOME KIND OF AN EGGHEAD FREAK.
WHO DO I TALK TO AROUND HERE
TO SCHEDULE A FACIAL?
- [snores]
- DON'T BE AFRAID.
DON'T WORRY TO BE HYPNOTIZED.
- EXCUSE ME.
I THINK I HEAR AN ACCENT.
WHITE SHOES.
EW.
- YOU ARE SAFE AND WARM
IN YOUR SECURE COCOON.
JUST THINK OF
YOUR FAVORITE PLACE.
- ANYWHERE BUT HERE.
- AHA.
- EXCUSE ME,
BUT WE'RE WORKING.
- WHY DO YOU GET
THE FRENCH GUY?
- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
YOU TAKE HIM.
I'M GOING
TO MY COCOON NOW.
- WAIT, DARIA.
WHO ARE YOU?
- I'M QUINN,
DARIA'S TRAINER.
- NOW, THAT'S HEALTHY.
- I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HYPNOTIZE DARIA
IN ORDER TO TRANSCEND
HER RESISTANCE.
- OH, CAN I WATCH?
- YOU ARE SAFE AND CALM,
FEELING A WARM GENTLE BREEZE.
EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY
IS RELAXING.
EASY. EASY.
AT THE COUNT OF TEN,
YOU WILL TELL ME
EVERYTHING YOU'RE FEELING
WITH NO RESISTANCE.
- OH, CAESAR,
PLEASE, DON'T POISON ME.
I COULD LOVE YOU,
BUT THOSE TOGAS
MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK SO BIG.
- OH, GOD.
- AND WHAT'S
WITH THAT HEADBAND?
OLIVE LEAVES ARE SO B.C.
- IT LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S EXPERIENCING
A PAST LIFE REGRESSION.
- YOU'VE GOT
THE REGRESSION PART RIGHT.
- HELP, SOMEONE HELP ME!
SOME KING WANTS TO KILL ME
FOR LOVING SOME SOLDIER
OR SOMETHING
BEFORE I'VE HAD TIME
TO PASS ON MY SECRET FORMULA
FOR EYE LINER.
OH, CAESAR, YOU BIG IDIOT,
DO SOMETHING!
- IMPRESSIVE GRASP OF HISTORY,
BUT SHE FORGOT THE PART
WHERE THEY ALL BOARD NOAH'S ARK
FOR A CARIBBEAN CRUISE.
- DARIA, I WAS AFRAID
YOU HAD SOME
RATHER DEEP-SEATED PROBLEMS.
BUT I MUST SAY,
YOU'RE REMARKABLY
WELL-ADJUSTED... CONSIDERING.
- YOU'D THINK SOMEONE
WOULD'VE INVENTED EYE LINER
BEFORE ME.
BUT NO, I, CLEOPATRA,
HAVE TO COME UP WITH ALL
MY BEAUTY PRODUCTS ON MY OWN.
[gasps]
WHAT A HARD LIFE.
- AT THE COUNT OF TEN,
I WILL SNAP MY FINGERS
AND HOPEFULLY REMEMBER
NONE OF THIS.
- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- WELL, I GUESS THIS BEATS
THE DENTAL FLOSS.
DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE.
DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE.
- HEY, WHERE'S JEAN-MICHEL?
- I THINK
HE'S IN HIS OFFICE,
SHOWING INKBLOTS
TO MARK ANTONY.
- WHY DOES HE HAVE
SO MANY PATIENTS?
- HELEN, JAKE, LET'S TAKE
THIS TIME TO EXPLORE
SOME OF YOUR
LIFE PARTNER ISSUES.
- ISSUES?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
ISSUES, THIS WHOLE...
- NOW CALM DOWN, JAKE.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
I'M SURE OUR ISSUES
AREN'T ANY MORE SERIOUS
THAN ANY OTHER HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL
WORKING COUPLES.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- RIGHT, OUR ISSUES
AREN'T ANY MORE SERIOUS.
- WHY DON'T WE FIND OUT?
JAKE, HOW ARE YOU FEELING
RIGHT NOW?
- ACTUALLY, I'M...
- BECAUSE OUR COMMITMENT
TO EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG.
- DAMN IT, HELEN!
SHE'S ALWAYS
INTERRUPTING ME
LIKE MY OPINIONS
DON'T COUNT.
- BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
- HELEN,
PLEASE LET HIM FINISH.
- YEAH.
- SORRY.
- OKAY.
WELL, UM...
THAT'S ALL
I WANTED TO SAY.
- DOCTOR, I...
- SHE THINKS JUST BECAUSE
SHE'S THE BIG FAT LAWYER
SHE CAN RUN RIGHT OVER ME.
- WHAT JAKE MEANS IS...
- HELEN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
JAKE NOW.
WE'LL GET
TO YOUR CONTROL ISSUES SOON.
- CONTROL ISSUES?
- DAMN STRAIGHT.
SHE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO,
HOW TO DRIVE,
WHAT TO EAT.
SHE WON'T EVEN LET ME
DRINK MILK IF I WANT TO,
INNOCENT, PURE MILK.
GOT MILK?
NOT JAKEY.
DAMN IT.
- EXCELLENT, JAKE,
EXCELLENT.
- OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...
- HELEN, PLEASE.
- HEY, I SUDDENLY
FEEL LIGHTER.
THIS THERAPY STUFF
REALLY WORKS.
- MAYBE I DO USE FOOD
FOR COMFORT,
BUT AT LEAST A CHOCOLATE BAR
NEVER TOLD ME
I WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- WHAT DID THE CHOCOLATE BAR
SAY TO YOU?
- JEAN-MICHEL?
I WANT TO DO MORE
OF THAT PAST LIFE REPRESSION.
- QUINN, THIS IS
A PRIVATE SESSION.
WE'RE DISCUSSING
A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM.
- OH.
A PROBLEM?
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
VERTICAL STRIPES?
THEY'RE A LOT MORE SLIMMING
THAN POLKA-DOTS.
- QUINN, OUT NOW.
- OKAY.
- WAIT, TELL ME MORE ABOUT
THE VERTICAL STRIPES.
[keys clacking]
- COULD A STEADY DIET
OF PET FOOD
BRING OUT THE ANIMAL IN YOU?
GOT A DOG DISH
FULL OF LOVE,
TONIGHT ON
SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- WOW, LISTEN TO HIM REPEAT
THE SAME PHRASE
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WITHOUT FALLING ASLEEP.
- WIGGLE YOUR BUTT
AND LIP-SYNCH AT THE SAME TIME?
THAT'S STAR POWER, BABY.
- OH, YEAH?
- OH, NO.
OH, GOD.
THIS IS TOO PAINFUL.
OH, LOOK, DEAR,
THE KRAVITZES ARE HERE.
- WOW, WHAT SHOW WAS THAT?
- ALL RIGHT,
MORGENDORFFERS.
I'VE ANALYZED THE DATA
FROM YOUR INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS,
AND I REALIZE
WHAT WE NEED TO DO.
- FINALLY, FACIALS.
- ACTUALLY,
I THINK WE NEED
TO WEAR EACH OTHERS' FACES
FOR A WHILE.
- EW!
LIKE THAT MOVIE WITH
THAT GUY AND THAT OTHER GUY?
- CAN I DO THE SURGERY?
- NO, NO, NO.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
A LITTLE ROLE-PLAYING.
- I'LL PLAY THE ROLE
OF THE CRAZED SURGEON.
SCALPEL.
- WHY DON'T YOU TRY
BEING EACH OTHER?
- [groans]
- DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THAT, HELEN?
- I THINK SHE WAS STILL
BEING DARIA.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
BE DARIA?
- OH, GOD.
JUST THROW ME IN FRONT
OF A TRAIN, WHY DON'T YOU?
- OH, COME ON.
IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.
GIVE IT A TRY.
- I JUST DID.
- OH.
- I AM NOT SUICIDAL.
- ALL RIGHT, DARIA.
NOW CAN YOU BE QUINN?
- OKAY.
NOW I'M SUICIDAL.
- MAYBE THE GROWN-UPS
CAN LEAD THE WAY HERE.
HELEN AND JAKE,
GO ON.
SWITCHEROO.
- UM, GEE, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN DO THIS.
WELL, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
[clears throat]
[as Helen]
OH, HI, ERIC!
NOPE, JUST WALKED IN.
THOUGHT I'D MAKE DINNER
FOR MY... WHAT?
YOU HAVE A HANGNAIL?
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
- [laughs nervously]
- UH-UH-UH, JAKE.
- I MEAN, DAMN IT!
I LOST ANOTHER CLIENT.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
DAMN IT.
NOBODY LIKES
POOR OLD JAKE.
SHOULD I THINK ABOUT
THE REASONS?
OH, MUST BE
MY FATHER'S FAULT.
WHERE'S THE NEWSPAPER?
DAMN IT.
[snores]
- LOOK AT THE TIME.
GEE, DEAR,
YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR DEEPEST FEARS AND WORRIES
WHEN I GET BACK.
I'VE GOT A BIG MEETING,
SO I BETTER RUN.
- NO MATTER, I'M NOT SAYING
ANYTHING RELEVANT ANYWAY.
I'M LOST IN A FOG
WHEN I'M NOT FLYING INTO A RAGE.
- OH, JAKEY.
LET ME BRING HOME
A PIZZA.
I HAVE TO BE
THE ONE DOING EVERYTHING
SO EVERYONE WILL THANK ME
AND TELL ME
WHAT A BIG SUPERWOMAN I AM.
I'M VERY, VERY IMPORTANT
AND VERY, VERY STRESSED,
AND I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING
FOR ANYONE ELSE,
BUT I CAN PRETEND I CARE,
CAN'T I?
[sighs]
- EVERYBODY HATES ME.
- ARE YOU BEING DARIA NOW?
- STAY WITH IT, EVERYONE.
THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
- I'VE GIVEN
EVERYTHING I'VE GOT,
BUT IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.
WELL, I'VE GOT
NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.
- HELEN!
HELEN, WAIT!
- THAT WORKED WELL.
- QUINN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
- I THINK THIS SPA
WOULD GET A LOT MORE BUSINESS
IF YOU JUST OFFERED
FACIALS.
- OH.
- UM, MOM,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I THOUGHT I'D JUST WAIT
IN THE CAR UNTIL WE LEAVE.
- TOMORROW MORNING?
- WELL, AT LEAST I WOULDN'T
BE ABANDONING OR IGNORING ANYONE
OR RUINING THEIR LIVES.
- OH, COME ON, MOM.
- LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE
TO MY FAMILY.
YOUR FATHER FEELS COMPLETELY
NEGLECTED AND RESENTFUL.
I'VE SHUT YOU OUT
SO MANY TIMES
YOU DON'T EVEN
TRY TO TALK TO ME,
AND QUINN, WELL,
I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED THERE,
NOT RIGHT NOW.
OH, MY GOD, DARIA.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- DIDN'T HEAR A THING.
- DARIA.
- LOOK, MOM.
DAD HAS TO FEEL NEGLECTED.
IT'S HOW HE STAYS
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
AND THE REASON
I DON'T TALK TO YOU
IS THAT I KNOW
YOU'LL HANG ON MY EVERY WORD,
AND FRANKLY, WHO NEEDS
THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY?
AND AS FOR QUINN, WELL,
I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
- [laughs] OH, MY.
- SO YOU GET CARRIED AWAY
WITH THE JOB.
BIG DEAL.
YOU'RE JUST AS COMMITTED
TO THE FAMILY.
- I TRY TO BE.
- YOU'RE VERY GROUNDED.
IT'S WHY YOU'RE HALF-CRAZY.
- YOU REALLY DON'T HATE ME
FOR WORKING SO HARD?
- I CAME
TO THIS STUPID PLACE
AND PRETENDED TO BE
WELL-ADJUSTED, DIDN'T I?
- HMM.
- WELL, ANYWAY.
I CAME TO THIS STUPID PLACE.
- HELEN!
HELEN!
THANK GOD
I FOUND YOU!
LOOK, HELEN,
ABOUT THAT SUPERWOMAN STUFF,
THAT WASN'T ME;
THAT WAS THE MILK TALKING.
- NO, JAKE.
WE BOTH SAID SOME THINGS
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
UM, WHAT'D YOU SAY AGAIN?
- NEVER MIND.
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING,
WE'RE LEAVING,
AND I'LL DRIVE.
I DON'T LIKE
WHAT THAT MILK'S DONE
TO YOUR ACCELERATION,
NOT TO MENTION
WHAT IT'S PROBABLY DOING
TO YOUR CHOLESTEROL.
- CHOLESTEROL?
MILK HAS CHOLESTEROL?
DAMN IT, HELEN!
HOW COULD YOU LET ME...
- HEY, WHAT'S EVERYONE
DOING OUT HERE?
- SHARING A WARM
FAMILY MOMENT.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I CAN TAKE A HINT.
- LOOK, ERIC,
ABOUT THAT RETREAT.
- TOO LATE, I'VE ALREADY READ
THE RESULTS.
"HELEN MORGENDORFFER
SUFFERS FROM
"OVERARCHING
COMPETITIVE AGGRESSION,
"UNHEALTHY
SELF-INVOLVEMENT,
"A GROSS INSENSITIVITY
TO OTHERS' NEEDS,
AND AN OVERRIDING CONVICTION
THAT SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT."
- I THINK WHAT THE COUNSELORS
ARE TRYING TO SAY IS...
- NEVER MIND.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE BEING PUT ON
THE PARTNERSHIP FAST TRACK.
- I AM?
- OF COURSE.
THIS WILLINGNESS OF YOURS TO PUT
CAREER AHEAD OF FAMILY AND HOME
IS JUST THE STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS
WE LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER.
COME ON.
LET'S GO TO THAT HEARING
AND KICK SOME WUSSY ASS.
I HEARD THEIR LEAD ATTORNEY
TOOK PATERNITY LEAVE LAST YEAR.
HA!
- [laughs and sighs]
- THE WAY I SEE IT,
THE FAILURE OF JANE-CAM
SPEAKS TO THE INABILITY
OF THE MOST
SOPHISTICATED TECHNOLOGY
TO SUPPLANT
THE MOST BASIC HUMAN EMOTIONS.
- IN OTHER WORDS,
THE INABILITY OF TOM
TO APPRECIATE THE VIOLATION
OF HIS PRIVACY?
- YOU SAW THAT?
- NOT JUST ME,
THE WORLD.
- NOT QUITE THE WORLD.
JANE-CAM ONLY GOT EIGHT HITS
THE WHOLE TIME,
AND YOU WERE THREE OF THEM.
- IT'S A SMALL WORLD
AFTER ALL.
- CHIM-CHIMINEY,
CHIM-CHIMINEY.
- YOU AND TOM HAVE MADE UP,
NO DOUBT.
- WE DID,
UNTIL HE READ THE FAN MAIL.
- YOU GOT FAN MAIL?
- WELL, TOM DID,
FROM SOME INMATES.
HE WASN'T PLEASED.
- FIGURES,
HE MAKES ONE LOUSY VIDEO
AND THEN FORGETS THE PEOPLE
WHO MADE HIM NUMBER ONE.
- THAT'S DISGUSTING.
CHOCOLATE CAKE
FOR BREAKFAST?
- IT'S TOO EARLY FOR LUNCH.
- DAD,
AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY ANYTHING?
- WHAT THE HELL
IS SODIUM HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE?
- MORNING. GOTTA GO.
BIG MEETING
OF THE FUTURE PARTNERS.
- THANKS, BUT I COULDN'T
EAT ANOTHER BITE.
THE PANCAKES
SURE WERE SCRUMPTIOUS, THOUGH.
- HEY!
HOW COME I DIDN'T GET
ANY PANCAKES?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
- UGH, SUGAR TARTS?
HAVEN'T YOU EVER
HEARD THE EXPRESSION
"YOU EAT WHAT YOU ARE"?
- HAVEN'T YOU EVER
HEARD THE EXPRESSION
"GET THE HELL AWAY
FROM ME"?
- YOU WANT SOME MILK,
KIDDO?
- NO, THANKS.
READ THE WARNING LABEL.
"CONTAINS TRYPTOPHANE,
HIGHLY RELAXING,
DO NOT COMBINE
WITH HIGH SCHOOL."
- I DON'T SEE THAT.
DOES MILK REALLY RELAX YOU?
- IT'S NOT
QUITE AS EFFECTIVE
WHEN DILUTED
WITH THREE CUPS OF COFFEE.
- GOOD MORNING!
- MOM?
- WHO'D LIKE A NICE
HOT BREAKFAST A LA HELEN?
- HOT BREAK...
HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH
"THE CHANGE," ARE YOU?
- MY 7:00 A.M. MEETING
GOT CANCELLED,
SO I THOUGHT WE COULD ENJOY
SOME EXTRA FAMILY TIME.
DARIA,
CAN I MAKE YOU BREAKFAST?
- SURE, PUSH THE LEVER.
- DARIA!
SUGAR TARTS?
- HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
FROZEN BURRITOS WON'T FIT.
- JAKE, QUINN,
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
- ACTUALLY, I SAW THESE
REALLY CUTE ZIPPER BOOTS
AT CASHMAN'S.
- I MEANT
FOR BREAKFAST.
- I COULD WEAR THEM
DURING BREAKFAST.
[cell phone trills]
- ERIC?
WHAT?
WHEN?
HOW?
OF COURSE NOT,
NOT A PROBLEM.
- YOU KNOW,
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, HONEY,
I COULD SURE USE ONE OF
YOUR EGG WHITE OMELETS.
YUM.
- JAKE, CAN'T YOU EVER THINK
OF ANYONE BUT YOURSELF?
I'VE GOT A HUGE EMERGENCY
AT THE OFFICE.
MY 7:00'S BACK ON,
AND I'M LATE.
- WHAT'D I DO?
- DAMN, I'LL HAVE TO MAKE
MY OWN BREAKFAST.
NOW I'M TOO TIRED TO EAT.
- ABSOLUTELY.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
I'LL STAY HERE ALL NIGHT
IF I HAVE TO.
WE'RE JUST HAPPY
TO BE IN BUSINESS WITH YOU.
BYE-BYE.
WHAT IS IT?
- THAT MR. O'NEILL
IS ON THE LINE
ABOUT THE PARENT-TEACHER
MEETING.
I NEED TO KNOW
WHICH EXCUSE TO GIVE.
- HMM.
TELL HIM I HAVE TO DO
MY PRO BONO WORK
WITH THE FREE CLINIC.
WE HAVEN'T USED THAT ONE
IN A WHILE.
WHAT?
YOU THINK
I'M A ROTTEN MOTHER?
- I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,
HELEN.
- BUT YOU'D THINK IT.
- UM...
- WHAT?
DO YOU AGREE WITH ME
OR DON'T YOU?
- MAY I GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
- COURSE, YOU CAN.
WHAT KIND OF SLAVE SHIP
YOU THINK WE'RE RUNNING HERE?
[laughter]
STRANGE WOMAN.
- OH, ERIC.
DID I TELL YOU
WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT WAS
TO WATCH YOU
IN THAT MEETING THIS MORNING?
THE WAY YOU JUST REELED OFF
THE TAX CODE WAS RIVETING.
- WHAT CAN I SAY?
YOU BUILD A TOP LAW FIRM;
YOU'RE BOUND TO PICK UP
A FEW TRICKS ALONG THE WAY.
- WELL, ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO KEEP THE FIRM NUMBER ONE,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF
A LITTLE HARD WORK OR A LOT.
- I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.
THAT'S WHAT BRINGS ME
IN HERE TODAY.
- THE RETREAT?
- IT'S YOUR TURN,
HELEN.
THE BIG DOGS
THINK YOU'RE READY.
- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
THE WHOLE FAMILY?
- WE WANT TO GET A LOOK
AT HELEN MORGENDORFFER
WEARING ALL THREE HATS:
WIFE, MOTHER, LAWYER.
AND WHAT WE SEE JUST MIGHT
LEAD TO HAT NUMBER FOUR:
PARTNER.
- I HATE THE WAY
I LOOK IN HATS.
[nervous giggle]
- A SPA?
GREAT.
I NEED A FACIAL SO BAD.
- DON'T GET EXCITED.
THIS SAYS
IT'S A SPA FOR THE SOUL.
DIDN'T YOU SELL YOURS
A WHILE BACK?
- WHO THE HELL
IS PAYING FOR THIS?
DAMN IT.
WHERE'S THE MILK?
- RELAX, JAKE.
THE FIRM'S PAYING.
- "WE EXERCISE YOUR INSIDE
INSTEAD OF YOUR OUTSIDE."
GOOD, MY PANCREAS
COULD REALLY USE A WORKOUT.
- EW!
WHAT GOOD IS EXERCISING
IF YOU CAN'T EVEN
SEE THE RESULTS?
- QUINN, THIS IS ABOUT
FAMILY TOGETHERNESS.
WE GET TO HAVE FUN
WHILE I GET TO SHOW
I'M PARTNER MATERIAL.
- I SEE.
WE'RE BEING GRADED
ON OUR FAMILY LIFE.
GEE, LOOK AT THE TIME.
1984 ALREADY.
- OH, DARIA,
DON'T BE SILLY.
NOW, WE HAVE TO FILL OUT
THESE QUESTIONNAIRES
SO I CAN FAX THEM OVER.
ISN'T IT NICE THEY WANT TO GET
TO KNOW US BEFORE WE ARRIVE?
- SURE, SO THEY'LL KNOW
WHO TO MAKE INTO A DRONE
AND WHO JUST
TO KILL OUTRIGHT.
- JAKE,
I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE.
- AH.
WHAT?
- "WHICH ANIMAL
WOULD YOU RATHER BE?
A DOG, A SEAL, OR A LION?"
- HOW ABOUT A BAT?
- BAT'S NOT AN OPTION.
- WRITE IT IN.
- NOW EXPLAIN YOUR CHOICE
IN A BRIEF SENTENCE.
- I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO SLEEP UPSIDE DOWN
AND SPREAD RABIES.
- SOUNDS MORE LIKE IT SHOULD
GO UNDER "CAREER GOALS,"
BUT ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, WORLD, MEET JANE-CAM,
ALL JANE
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, EXCEPT NAKED TIME.
- YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE
HAVING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN,
AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
STRANGERS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
OBSERVING YOUR EVERY MOVE?
- ALL OVER THE WORLD.
IT'S A PUBLIC SERVICE.
IF MY MUNDANE LITTLE LIFE
CAN SOMEHOW PROVIDE COMFORT
TO LONELY WEB TROLLERS,
THEN I'LL KNOW MY TIME
HERE ON EARTH WASN'T WASTED.
- A NOBLE CAUSE.
IT SUITS YOU WELL.
- AND IT REQUIRES
PRACTICALLY NO EFFORT.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.
- BEAUTIFUL.
NOW, REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS
OUR LITTLE SECRET.
I DON'T WANT THE CAMERA TO
INFLUENCE MY GUESTS' BEHAVIOR.
DARIA?
- JAKE!
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
PLEASE STEP ON IT.
- WHAT'S THE HURRY?
WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.
SIT BACK
AND SMELL THE ROSES.
- WHICH HAPPEN TO HAVE AN AROMA
VERY SIMILAR TO GAS FUMES.
- SIT BACK?
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL
TRYPTOPHANE.
- WE'LL SCORE THAT A "YES."
- GIVE ME THAT.
[tires squeal]
- DAD!
- DAMN IT, HELEN!
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- GET OUT.
I'M DRIVING.
THINKING A LITTLE MILK
IS GOING TO CALM YOU DOWN,
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
OF ALL
THE RIDICULOUS IDEAS...
GIVE ME THAT.
- NOW, REMEMBER,
NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
- UH-OH.
FOUR FLEW
INTO THE CUCKOO'S NEST.
- HELLO,
I'M HELEN MORGENDORFFER.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND,
JAKE,
AND MY DAUGHTERS,
QUINN AND DARIA.
- OH, SO YOU'RE DARIA.
- YOU'VE HEARD OF ME?
- DARIA, WE HAVE
A VERY NICE ROOM FOR YOU.
DO YOU LIKE
EGGSHELL WHITE?
- YOU GOT ANYTHING
IN GYM MAT GRAY?
- EXCUSE ME,
BUT WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- WE ANALYZED
YOUR DAUGHTER'S QUESTIONNAIRE,
AND, WELL,
WE'RE A LITTLE CONCERNED.
- "FAVORITE PASTIME:
CHANGING WATER INTO WINE"?
- I KNEW I SHOULD'VE GONE
WITH THE BURNING BUSH.
- WE THINK IT MIGHT BE BEST
TO PUT HER
UNDER A LITTLE THING WE CALL
"INTENSIVE OBSERVATION."
- IT'S ABOUT TIME.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH DARIA.
- YEAH,
SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
- QUINN!
OUR DAUGHTER HAS
AN ECCENTRIC SENSE OF HUMOR,
BUT SHE'S PERFECTLY FINE.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
SHE'S ONE
OF THE GAMMA PEOPLE.
- DOCTORS, I THINK
WE GOT OUR HOPES UP.
BETTER LEAVE THIS ONE ALONE.
- CAN'T WE AT LEAST
SEDATE HER?
- SORRY.
- [sighs]
- THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA ♪
[keys clacking]
[jazzy electronic music]
♪ ♪
- A LITTLE WIDER.
WE CAN'T SEE
ALL YOUR FILLINGS.
NICE SAVE.
- HELLO, DARIA.
I'M YOUR
ONE-ON-ONE COUNSELOR.
ARE YOU PLAYING A GAME?
- NO, JUST TALKING
TO THE COMPUTER.
- DO YOU ALWAYS
TALK TO YOUR COMPUTER?
- ONLY WHEN
THE REFRIGERATOR'S MAD AT ME.
- AH, YOU KNOW, DARIA,
WE OFTEN USE HUMOR
AS A BARRIER
TO PREVENT OTHERS
FROM TRYING TO GET TOO CLOSE.
- IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE WORKING ON YOU, HOWEVER.
- WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO HIDE?
- NOTHING.
I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY MUCH
AND FEEL THAT SHE'D MAKE
AN EXCELLENT LAW PARTNER.
OH, DEAR.
I THINK I HEAR MY RIDE.
- DARIA, WHY DON'T WE
HAVE A NICE TALK?
- [sighs]
- ALL RIGHT, HELEN.
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT START OFF
WITH A LITTLE WORD ASSOCIATION.
RED.
- BLUE.
- PEN.
- PENCIL.
- MAG...
- SUBSCRIPTION.
- MAGNET.
- OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO SAY "MAGAZINE."
MAGNET.
UM, METAL.
NO, WAIT.
I CAN DO BETTER.
- RELAX.
- RELAX?
HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN SOMEONE
SAYS "RELAX" LIKE THAT?
- NO.
"RELAXATION."
IT'S ONE OF THE WORDS.
- OH, UM,
WASTE OF FREAKING TIME.
WAIT!
CAN I DO THAT ONE OVER?
- ISN'T SOMEONE GONNA TALK HERE?
- ALL RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT BEING HERE?
- HEY,
IT'S NOT MY NICKEL.
- WOULD THAT BE A PROBLEM?
- WELL, CONSIDERING THIS
IS A WORK THING FOR MY WIFE...
- AND HOW DOES THAT
MAKE YOU FEEL?
- HOW DOES WHAT
MAKE ME FEEL?
- BEING HERE FOR YOUR WIFE.
- FINE.
- REALLY?
- A-OKAY.
- HOW LONG...
- I'M FINE WITH IT.
DAMN IT!
- ALL RIGHT.
MOVING ON.
ARE YOU FEELING
A LITTLE STRESSED?
- STRESSED?
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME
I'M STRESSED?
IF I WEREN'T STRESSED,
I'D GET STRESSED BY EVERYONE
TELLING ME I'M STRESSED!
ANY MILK AROUND HERE?
I NEED SOME MILK.
- UH-HUH.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD
THIS CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY?
- AND SOMETIMES CONDITIONERS
ARE REALLY MORE LIKE
CREAM RINSES
AND CREAM RINSES
ARE MORE LIKE CONDITIONERS,
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW
UNTIL AFTER YOU TRY THEM,
AND BY THEN,
IT'S TOO LATE.
OF COURSE,
THAT JUST ADDS
TO ALL THE PRESSURE
I'M ALREADY UNDER.
I MEAN,
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
ALL THE DECISIONS
I HAVE TO MAKE.
I WAKE UP FEELING
LIKE IT'S A FLAT SHOE DAY,
BUT THEN
AFTER I BRUSH MY TEETH,
IT STARTS TO FEEL
MORE LIKE A SANDAL DAY,
AND YOU CAN'T JUST GO ON
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE WEARING
ON YOUR FEET...
- MOM'S RESENTFUL
THAT SHE HAS TO WORK SO HARD,
WHICH OBSCURES HER GUILT
ABOUT ACTUALLY WANTING
TO WORK SO HARD.
DAD'S GUILTY ABOUT
BEING LESS DRIVEN THAN MOM
BUT THINKS IT'S WRONG
TO FEEL THAT WAY.
SO HE HIDES BEHIND
A SMOKESCREEN OF CLUELESSNESS.
QUINN WEARS SUPERFICIALITY
LIKE A SUIT OF ARMOR,
'CAUSE SHE'S AFRAID
OF LOOKING INSIDE
AND FINDING
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND I'M SO DEFENDED
THAT I ACTIVELY WORK
TO MAKE PEOPLE DISLIKE ME
SO I WON'T FEEL BAD
WHEN THEY DO.
CAN I GO NOW?
- TELL ME, DARIA.
HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN HYPNOTIZED?
- AND THEN SANDI WENT OUT
AND GOT THE SAME SHOES
THAT I HAD FIRST...
THE CUTE LITTLE T-STRAPS
WITH THE GLITTER BUCKLE...
AND STACEY'S LIKE,
"SANDI, I LOVE YOUR SANDALS,"
LIKE SANDI HAD SUCH GREAT TASTE
OR SOMETHING
WHEN ALL SHE DID
WAS COPY ME.
I MEAN,
EVERYONE KNOWS
I WROTE THE BOOK ON
STRAPPY SANDALS AT LAWNDALE,
NOT AN ACTUAL BOOK,
OF COURSE.
THAT WOULD MAKE ME
SOME KIND OF AN EGGHEAD FREAK.
WHO DO I TALK TO AROUND HERE
TO SCHEDULE A FACIAL?
- [snores]
- DON'T BE AFRAID.
DON'T WORRY TO BE HYPNOTIZED.
- EXCUSE ME.
I THINK I HEAR AN ACCENT.
WHITE SHOES.
EW.
- YOU ARE SAFE AND WARM
IN YOUR SECURE COCOON.
JUST THINK OF
YOUR FAVORITE PLACE.
- ANYWHERE BUT HERE.
- AHA.
- EXCUSE ME,
BUT WE'RE WORKING.
- WHY DO YOU GET
THE FRENCH GUY?
- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
YOU TAKE HIM.
I'M GOING
TO MY COCOON NOW.
- WAIT, DARIA.
WHO ARE YOU?
- I'M QUINN,
DARIA'S TRAINER.
- NOW, THAT'S HEALTHY.
- I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HYPNOTIZE DARIA
IN ORDER TO TRANSCEND
HER RESISTANCE.
- OH, CAN I WATCH?
- YOU ARE SAFE AND CALM,
FEELING A WARM GENTLE BREEZE.
EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY
IS RELAXING.
EASY. EASY.
AT THE COUNT OF TEN,
YOU WILL TELL ME
EVERYTHING YOU'RE FEELING
WITH NO RESISTANCE.
- OH, CAESAR,
PLEASE, DON'T POISON ME.
I COULD LOVE YOU,
BUT THOSE TOGAS
MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK SO BIG.
- OH, GOD.
- AND WHAT'S
WITH THAT HEADBAND?
OLIVE LEAVES ARE SO B.C.
- IT LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S EXPERIENCING
A PAST LIFE REGRESSION.
- YOU'VE GOT
THE REGRESSION PART RIGHT.
- HELP, SOMEONE HELP ME!
SOME KING WANTS TO KILL ME
FOR LOVING SOME SOLDIER
OR SOMETHING
BEFORE I'VE HAD TIME
TO PASS ON MY SECRET FORMULA
FOR EYE LINER.
OH, CAESAR, YOU BIG IDIOT,
DO SOMETHING!
- IMPRESSIVE GRASP OF HISTORY,
BUT SHE FORGOT THE PART
WHERE THEY ALL BOARD NOAH'S ARK
FOR A CARIBBEAN CRUISE.
- DARIA, I WAS AFRAID
YOU HAD SOME
RATHER DEEP-SEATED PROBLEMS.
BUT I MUST SAY,
YOU'RE REMARKABLY
WELL-ADJUSTED... CONSIDERING.
- YOU'D THINK SOMEONE
WOULD'VE INVENTED EYE LINER
BEFORE ME.
BUT NO, I, CLEOPATRA,
HAVE TO COME UP WITH ALL
MY BEAUTY PRODUCTS ON MY OWN.
[gasps]
WHAT A HARD LIFE.
- AT THE COUNT OF TEN,
I WILL SNAP MY FINGERS
AND HOPEFULLY REMEMBER
NONE OF THIS.
- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- WELL, I GUESS THIS BEATS
THE DENTAL FLOSS.
DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE.
DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE.
- HEY, WHERE'S JEAN-MICHEL?
- I THINK
HE'S IN HIS OFFICE,
SHOWING INKBLOTS
TO MARK ANTONY.
- WHY DOES HE HAVE
SO MANY PATIENTS?
- HELEN, JAKE, LET'S TAKE
THIS TIME TO EXPLORE
SOME OF YOUR
LIFE PARTNER ISSUES.
- ISSUES?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
ISSUES, THIS WHOLE...
- NOW CALM DOWN, JAKE.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
I'M SURE OUR ISSUES
AREN'T ANY MORE SERIOUS
THAN ANY OTHER HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL
WORKING COUPLES.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- RIGHT, OUR ISSUES
AREN'T ANY MORE SERIOUS.
- WHY DON'T WE FIND OUT?
JAKE, HOW ARE YOU FEELING
RIGHT NOW?
- ACTUALLY, I'M...
- BECAUSE OUR COMMITMENT
TO EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG.
- DAMN IT, HELEN!
SHE'S ALWAYS
INTERRUPTING ME
LIKE MY OPINIONS
DON'T COUNT.
- BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
- HELEN,
PLEASE LET HIM FINISH.
- YEAH.
- SORRY.
- OKAY.
WELL, UM...
THAT'S ALL
I WANTED TO SAY.
- DOCTOR, I...
- SHE THINKS JUST BECAUSE
SHE'S THE BIG FAT LAWYER
SHE CAN RUN RIGHT OVER ME.
- WHAT JAKE MEANS IS...
- HELEN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
JAKE NOW.
WE'LL GET
TO YOUR CONTROL ISSUES SOON.
- CONTROL ISSUES?
- DAMN STRAIGHT.
SHE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO,
HOW TO DRIVE,
WHAT TO EAT.
SHE WON'T EVEN LET ME
DRINK MILK IF I WANT TO,
INNOCENT, PURE MILK.
GOT MILK?
NOT JAKEY.
DAMN IT.
- EXCELLENT, JAKE,
EXCELLENT.
- OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...
- HELEN, PLEASE.
- HEY, I SUDDENLY
FEEL LIGHTER.
THIS THERAPY STUFF
REALLY WORKS.
- MAYBE I DO USE FOOD
FOR COMFORT,
BUT AT LEAST A CHOCOLATE BAR
NEVER TOLD ME
I WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- WHAT DID THE CHOCOLATE BAR
SAY TO YOU?
- JEAN-MICHEL?
I WANT TO DO MORE
OF THAT PAST LIFE REPRESSION.
- QUINN, THIS IS
A PRIVATE SESSION.
WE'RE DISCUSSING
A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM.
- OH.
A PROBLEM?
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
VERTICAL STRIPES?
THEY'RE A LOT MORE SLIMMING
THAN POLKA-DOTS.
- QUINN, OUT NOW.
- OKAY.
- WAIT, TELL ME MORE ABOUT
THE VERTICAL STRIPES.
[keys clacking]
- COULD A STEADY DIET
OF PET FOOD
BRING OUT THE ANIMAL IN YOU?
GOT A DOG DISH
FULL OF LOVE,
TONIGHT ON
SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- WOW, LISTEN TO HIM REPEAT
THE SAME PHRASE
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WITHOUT FALLING ASLEEP.
- WIGGLE YOUR BUTT
AND LIP-SYNCH AT THE SAME TIME?
THAT'S STAR POWER, BABY.
- OH, YEAH?
- OH, NO.
OH, GOD.
THIS IS TOO PAINFUL.
OH, LOOK, DEAR,
THE KRAVITZES ARE HERE.
- WOW, WHAT SHOW WAS THAT?
- ALL RIGHT,
MORGENDORFFERS.
I'VE ANALYZED THE DATA
FROM YOUR INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS,
AND I REALIZE
WHAT WE NEED TO DO.
- FINALLY, FACIALS.
- ACTUALLY,
I THINK WE NEED
TO WEAR EACH OTHERS' FACES
FOR A WHILE.
- EW!
LIKE THAT MOVIE WITH
THAT GUY AND THAT OTHER GUY?
- CAN I DO THE SURGERY?
- NO, NO, NO.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
A LITTLE ROLE-PLAYING.
- I'LL PLAY THE ROLE
OF THE CRAZED SURGEON.
SCALPEL.
- WHY DON'T YOU TRY
BEING EACH OTHER?
- [groans]
- DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THAT, HELEN?
- I THINK SHE WAS STILL
BEING DARIA.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
BE DARIA?
- OH, GOD.
JUST THROW ME IN FRONT
OF A TRAIN, WHY DON'T YOU?
- OH, COME ON.
IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.
GIVE IT A TRY.
- I JUST DID.
- OH.
- I AM NOT SUICIDAL.
- ALL RIGHT, DARIA.
NOW CAN YOU BE QUINN?
- OKAY.
NOW I'M SUICIDAL.
- MAYBE THE GROWN-UPS
CAN LEAD THE WAY HERE.
HELEN AND JAKE,
GO ON.
SWITCHEROO.
- UM, GEE, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN DO THIS.
WELL, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
[clears throat]
[as Helen]
OH, HI, ERIC!
NOPE, JUST WALKED IN.
THOUGHT I'D MAKE DINNER
FOR MY... WHAT?
YOU HAVE A HANGNAIL?
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
- [laughs nervously]
- UH-UH-UH, JAKE.
- I MEAN, DAMN IT!
I LOST ANOTHER CLIENT.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
DAMN IT.
NOBODY LIKES
POOR OLD JAKE.
SHOULD I THINK ABOUT
THE REASONS?
OH, MUST BE
MY FATHER'S FAULT.
WHERE'S THE NEWSPAPER?
DAMN IT.
[snores]
- LOOK AT THE TIME.
GEE, DEAR,
YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR DEEPEST FEARS AND WORRIES
WHEN I GET BACK.
I'VE GOT A BIG MEETING,
SO I BETTER RUN.
- NO MATTER, I'M NOT SAYING
ANYTHING RELEVANT ANYWAY.
I'M LOST IN A FOG
WHEN I'M NOT FLYING INTO A RAGE.
- OH, JAKEY.
LET ME BRING HOME
A PIZZA.
I HAVE TO BE
THE ONE DOING EVERYTHING
SO EVERYONE WILL THANK ME
AND TELL ME
WHAT A BIG SUPERWOMAN I AM.
I'M VERY, VERY IMPORTANT
AND VERY, VERY STRESSED,
AND I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING
FOR ANYONE ELSE,
BUT I CAN PRETEND I CARE,
CAN'T I?
[sighs]
- EVERYBODY HATES ME.
- ARE YOU BEING DARIA NOW?
- STAY WITH IT, EVERYONE.
THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
- I'VE GIVEN
EVERYTHING I'VE GOT,
BUT IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.
WELL, I'VE GOT
NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.
- HELEN!
HELEN, WAIT!
- THAT WORKED WELL.
- QUINN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
- I THINK THIS SPA
WOULD GET A LOT MORE BUSINESS
IF YOU JUST OFFERED
FACIALS.
- OH.
- UM, MOM,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I THOUGHT I'D JUST WAIT
IN THE CAR UNTIL WE LEAVE.
- TOMORROW MORNING?
- WELL, AT LEAST I WOULDN'T
BE ABANDONING OR IGNORING ANYONE
OR RUINING THEIR LIVES.
- OH, COME ON, MOM.
- LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE
TO MY FAMILY.
YOUR FATHER FEELS COMPLETELY
NEGLECTED AND RESENTFUL.
I'VE SHUT YOU OUT
SO MANY TIMES
YOU DON'T EVEN
TRY TO TALK TO ME,
AND QUINN, WELL,
I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED THERE,
NOT RIGHT NOW.
OH, MY GOD, DARIA.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- DIDN'T HEAR A THING.
- DARIA.
- LOOK, MOM.
DAD HAS TO FEEL NEGLECTED.
IT'S HOW HE STAYS
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
AND THE REASON
I DON'T TALK TO YOU
IS THAT I KNOW
YOU'LL HANG ON MY EVERY WORD,
AND FRANKLY, WHO NEEDS
THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY?
AND AS FOR QUINN, WELL,
I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
- [laughs] OH, MY.
- SO YOU GET CARRIED AWAY
WITH THE JOB.
BIG DEAL.
YOU'RE JUST AS COMMITTED
TO THE FAMILY.
- I TRY TO BE.
- YOU'RE VERY GROUNDED.
IT'S WHY YOU'RE HALF-CRAZY.
- YOU REALLY DON'T HATE ME
FOR WORKING SO HARD?
- I CAME
TO THIS STUPID PLACE
AND PRETENDED TO BE
WELL-ADJUSTED, DIDN'T I?
- HMM.
- WELL, ANYWAY.
I CAME TO THIS STUPID PLACE.
- HELEN!
HELEN!
THANK GOD
I FOUND YOU!
LOOK, HELEN,
ABOUT THAT SUPERWOMAN STUFF,
THAT WASN'T ME;
THAT WAS THE MILK TALKING.
- NO, JAKE.
WE BOTH SAID SOME THINGS
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
UM, WHAT'D YOU SAY AGAIN?
- NEVER MIND.
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING,
WE'RE LEAVING,
AND I'LL DRIVE.
I DON'T LIKE
WHAT THAT MILK'S DONE
TO YOUR ACCELERATION,
NOT TO MENTION
WHAT IT'S PROBABLY DOING
TO YOUR CHOLESTEROL.
- CHOLESTEROL?
MILK HAS CHOLESTEROL?
DAMN IT, HELEN!
HOW COULD YOU LET ME...
- HEY, WHAT'S EVERYONE
DOING OUT HERE?
- SHARING A WARM
FAMILY MOMENT.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I CAN TAKE A HINT.
- LOOK, ERIC,
ABOUT THAT RETREAT.
- TOO LATE, I'VE ALREADY READ
THE RESULTS.
"HELEN MORGENDORFFER
SUFFERS FROM
"OVERARCHING
COMPETITIVE AGGRESSION,
"UNHEALTHY
SELF-INVOLVEMENT,
"A GROSS INSENSITIVITY
TO OTHERS' NEEDS,
AND AN OVERRIDING CONVICTION
THAT SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT."
- I THINK WHAT THE COUNSELORS
ARE TRYING TO SAY IS...
- NEVER MIND.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE BEING PUT ON
THE PARTNERSHIP FAST TRACK.
- I AM?
- OF COURSE.
THIS WILLINGNESS OF YOURS TO PUT
CAREER AHEAD OF FAMILY AND HOME
IS JUST THE STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS
WE LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER.
COME ON.
LET'S GO TO THAT HEARING
AND KICK SOME WUSSY ASS.
I HEARD THEIR LEAD ATTORNEY
TOOK PATERNITY LEAVE LAST YEAR.
HA!
- [laughs and sighs]
- THE WAY I SEE IT,
THE FAILURE OF JANE-CAM
SPEAKS TO THE INABILITY
OF THE MOST
SOPHISTICATED TECHNOLOGY
TO SUPPLANT
THE MOST BASIC HUMAN EMOTIONS.
- IN OTHER WORDS,
THE INABILITY OF TOM
TO APPRECIATE THE VIOLATION
OF HIS PRIVACY?
- YOU SAW THAT?
- NOT JUST ME,
THE WORLD.
- NOT QUITE THE WORLD.
JANE-CAM ONLY GOT EIGHT HITS
THE WHOLE TIME,
AND YOU WERE THREE OF THEM.
- IT'S A SMALL WORLD
AFTER ALL.
- CHIM-CHIMINEY,
CHIM-CHIMINEY.
- YOU AND TOM HAVE MADE UP,
NO DOUBT.
- WE DID,
UNTIL HE READ THE FAN MAIL.
- YOU GOT FAN MAIL?
- WELL, TOM DID,
FROM SOME INMATES.
HE WASN'T PLEASED.
- FIGURES,
HE MAKES ONE LOUSY VIDEO
AND THEN FORGETS THE PEOPLE
WHO MADE HIM NUMBER ONE.
- THAT'S DISGUSTING.
CHOCOLATE CAKE
FOR BREAKFAST?
- IT'S TOO EARLY FOR LUNCH.
- DAD,
AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY ANYTHING?
- WHAT THE HELL
IS SODIUM HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE?
- MORNING. GOTTA GO.
BIG MEETING
OF THE FUTURE PARTNERS.
- THANKS, BUT I COULDN'T
EAT ANOTHER BITE.
THE PANCAKES
SURE WERE SCRUMPTIOUS, THOUGH.
- HEY!
HOW COME I DIDN'T GET
ANY PANCAKES?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪