Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 7 - Of Human Bonding - full transcript
When Helen has to cancel out of a business junket with Jake, guess who is coerced into taking her place?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ THIS IS MY STOP ♪
♪ GOT TO GET OFF ♪
♪ I MAY GO POP ♪
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
[whistle blows]
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE DIRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ IF I'M WRONG,
PLEASE CORRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
- LISTEN TO THIS SEMINAR.
"OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD PROFITS WITH
MARTIAN-THEMED RESTAURANTS."
THIS EAT-ERTAINMENT CONFERENCE
IS GOING TO BE GREAT.
- STOMACH PUMPS
SOLD SEPARATELY.
- HEY, LOOK.
THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER
IS TERRY BARRY BARLOW.
HE'S A FRANCHISING GENIUS,
MADE $40 MILLION
OFF THE PIZZA FOREST CHAIN.
- ALL ON THE BACKS
OF MINIMUM-WAGE CHIPMUNKS.
- JAKE, I DON'T HAVE TO ATTEND
ANY OF THESE WORKSHOPS, DO I?
- OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF
TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONFERENCES.
YOU JUST SIT BY THE POOL
AND LOOK HOT.
- WHERE ARE THOSE
DAMN STOMACH PUMPS?
- GOOD, BECAUSE
I HAVEN'T HAD A DAY OFF IN...
- WAIT.
YOU'RE LEAVING ME HERE ALONE
WITH DARIA ALL WEEKEND?
- RELAX.
I'LL USE
THE POPULAR THUMBSCREWS.
- I GUESS IF I SCHEDULE
MORNING, AFTERNOON,
AND EVENING DATES...
- NO DATING
WHILE WE'RE OUT OF TOWN.
- MOM!
- THE BOYS OF LAWNDALE
WILL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU CAN EACH INVITE ONE FRIEND
OVER FOR COMPANY.
- BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO CHOOSE JUST ONE FRIEND?
- THROW THEM IN A LAKE
AND SEE WHO BOBS
TO THE SURFACE FIRST?
- QUINN,
ARE YOU BUSY SATURDAY?
I KNOW YOU LIKE BOYS 'R' GUYS,
SO I BOUGHT TWO TICKETS.
- I GOT THREE,
'CAUSE I KNOW
HOW YOU HATE
OTHER PEOPLE'S ELBOWS.
- GENIUS,
THEN YOU NEED FIVE SEATS:
EMPTY, ME,
EMPTY, QUINN, EMPTY.
- UH, SORRY, GUYS,
BUT I'M BUSY.
THANKS ANYWAY.
- WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH THESE?
I HATE BOYS 'R' GUYS.
- BOYS 'R' GUYS SUCK.
- GEE, QUINN, YOUR DATE SATURDAY
MUST BE REALLY CUTE
FOR YOU NOT TO BLOW HIM OFF
FOR A CONCERT.
- YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT PRIORITIES?
- ACTUALLY,
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DATE.
I'M STAYING HOME.
[all gasp]
- OH, NO.
- QUINN MORGENDORFFER,
AS PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB,
I'M AFRAID I MUST RELIEVE YOU
OF ALL VICE PRESIDENTIAL DUTIES
UNTIL YOU HAVE REGAINED
YOUR SENSES.
YOUR LIPSTICK, PLEASE.
- UM, SANDI,
SO MANY GUYS
ASKED ME OUT THIS WEEKEND
THAT I FIGURED
IF I STAY HOME THIS ONCE,
THEY'LL ALL WANT
TO GO OUT WITH ME EVEN MORE.
- CRAFTY.
- I KNOW
YOU GUYS HAVE DATES,
BUT STACEY,
IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SLEEP OVER SATURDAY?
- SURE.
- SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
QUINN,
IS THAT YOU AND STACEY
ARE MORE UNAVAILABLE
THAN ME AND TIFFANY.
- UM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS,
SANDI.
I WANT YOU ALL
TO COME OVER.
- OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SO MUCH FUN.
- THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.
I HAVEN'T HAD A SLEEPOVER...
- HMM.
I SENSE A WORRISOME
TEEN CONSPIRACY AFOOT.
- NO, QUINN'S
JUST OBEYING ORDERS
BY INVITING ONE PERSON TO SLEEP
OVER THIS WEEKEND THREE TIMES.
- AND HOW WILL SHE BE EXPLAINING
THE EXTRA DAUGHTERS
TO JAKE AND HELEN?
- THEY'RE GOING OUT OF TOWN.
YOU MIND
IF I COME OVER SATURDAY NIGHT?
OTHERWISE, I'M AFRAID
I'LL END UP DOING TIME FOR
DE-ACCESSORIZING A TEENAGE GIRL
WITH MY BARE HANDS.
- GUESS I'LL JUST
HAVE TO VISIT YOU IN THE JOINT.
TOM AND I ARE GOING BOWLING
WITH HIS FRIENDS SATURDAY.
- OH.
- YOU COULD TAG ALONG.
- NO, THANKS.
I'LL JUST STAY IN AND CURL UP
WITH A GOOD DOSE OF STRYCHNINE.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
NO ONE IS FORCING YOU
TO STAY HOME.
IT'S A BIG WIDE WORLD
OUT THERE.
- YES.
IT'S THE WIDTH
I FIND SO DISTURBING.
- LANDING A BIG CLIENT LIKE
TERRY BARRY BARLOW
IS JUST THE R.X. I NEED
TO GET THE OLD PROFILE
BACK ON HIGH.
- THAT'S NICE, DEAR.
BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS SETTLED.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH
THEY'RE PAYING
FOR THE
RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY?
- HEY, THIS CONFERENCE
IS RIGHT NEAR
THE MUSEUM OF MEDICAL ODDITIES.
DAD, WOULD YOU MIND
SWINGING BY THE GIFT SHOP
AND GETTING ME
A SKULL CRUSHER?
- SURE THING, KIDDO.
SKULL CRUSHER?
EW.
- OKAY!
I'LL BE THERE.
DAMN!
WELL, THAT'S IT.
I CAN'T GO
TO THE CONFERENCE.
THE PORT-A-FRY CLASS ACTION SUIT
IS BACK ON.
- BUT, HELEN, I NEED YOU.
THE TICKETS
ARE NONREFUNDABLE.
- I'M SORRY, JAKE.
REALLY, I AM.
BUT THE FIRM'S
COUNTING ON ME.
TELL YOU WHAT,
GO GET YOURSELF
A NEW SET OF GOLF CLUBS, ON ME,
AND YOU CAN THINK OF ME
WHEN YOU'RE HITTING THE BALL,
REALLY WHACK IT.
[weak laugh]
I'D BETTER
GO REVIEW MY FILE.
- "THE FIRM'S
COUNTING ON ME."
GOD FORBID
I SHOULD COUNT ON ANYONE.
LITTLE JAKEY HAS TO LEARN
TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT.
IT'S WEAK
TO DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE.
"HEY, YOU DON'T MIND
SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS
"IN THE BARRACKS,
DO YOU, SON?
THE JANITOR
WILL KEEP AN EYE ON YOU."
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAD...
IN HELL!
[sobbing]
- SURE, WE CAN PLAY
MY BOYS 'R' GUYS CDs
AND THE BACKYARD BOYS
AND BOYS FROM THE STREET
AND BOYS IN SUITS
AND GANG OF BOYS AND...
- FISH GOT TO SWIM,
AND BIRDS GOT TO FLY,
BUT NOT WHEN
YOU BAKE THEM BOTH IN A PIE.
SUNDAY BRUNCH
IN THE LOONY BIN,
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- WHY AM I THE ONE
WHO'S ALWAYS DESERTED?
THE ONE THERE'S NEVER ROOM FOR
IN THE CAR?
- UM, DAD,
I'D GO WITH YOU, BUT...
- "I'D GO WITH YOU,
"BUT THE DOG
NEEDS HIS NAILS CLIPPED.
HAPPY WEDDING, SON."
[wails]
- AND THEN WE CAN WATCH
THE WAIF SPECIAL:
BEFORE THEY WERE SUPERMODELS.
- BEFORE
THEY WERE SUPERMODELS?
[sighs]
I WILL GO WITH YOU, DAD,
IF I CAN STOP OFF AT THE MUSEUM
AND CHECK OUT THE SLICED MAN.
- YOU'RE ON, KIDDO.
SLICED MAN?
EW.
[Jake gargling water]
- YOU KNOW, HONEY,
YOU COULD REALLY TURN
THIS CHANGE OF PLANS
INTO SOMETHING VERY POSITIVE.
- [spits]
YOU'RE NOT GETTING
OUT OF THE GOLF CLUBS, HELEN.
- I MEAN
THIS TRIP IS A CHANCE
TO REALLY GET TO KNOW
YOUR DAUGHTER AS A PERSON:
HER HOPES, HER DREAMS,
HER FEARS.
- AW, HELEN,
DO I HAVE TO?
- JAKE.
- BUT I'M SCARED.
[lounge music]
I LOVE BUSINESS CLASS.
COMPLIMENTARY COCKTAILS,
ARMRESTS YOU CAN
REALLY GET A GRIP ON.
[nervous laugh]
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
HOW ABOUT A REFILL HERE?
- DAD,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO EASY
ON THE
COMPLIMENTARY COCKTAILS.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
NEED A DISTRACTION.
NEED A DISTRACTION.
"I DID IT.
WHY CAN'T YOU?"
DID YOU KNOW
TERRY BARRY BARLOW
SAVED THE LIVES OF
HIS ENTIRE BALLOONING CREW
IN AN ICE STORM?
HE CLIMBED UP THE ROPES
AND OPENED THE RIP PANEL
WITH HIS TEETH.
- I JUST PERFORMED
A SIMILAR ACT OF BRAVERY
ON THIS BAG OF PEANUTS.
- OF COURSE, WE'VE GOT
THREE-PRONGED OUTLETS, SANDI.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS,
UNCIVILIZATION?
- THEY SETTLED?
DAMN IT, ERIC.
THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT
WEEKEND FOR JAKE,
AND I WAS GONNA...
OH, STOP IT, ERIC.
YOU DO NOT.
YOU DO NOT.
OH, VERY WELL.
YOU SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT
KNOWING I'M ON THE JOB.
YOU KNOW, I DO TRY.
[laughs lightly]
OH, SURE,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT CALL.
BYE.
- BYE.
- [sighs]
WELL, HONEY,
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOM
WILL BE AROUND THE HOUSE
THIS WEEKEND AFTER ALL.
- WHAT?
I MEAN GREAT.
BY THE WAY, DID I MENTION
SANDI AND TIFFANY
ARE COMING OVER
ALONG WITH STACEY?
WELL, I BETTER GO
INVENTORY THE Q-TIPS.
- QUINN!
I SAID ONE GUEST.
- I KNOW, BUT DARIA
AND HER FRIEND AREN'T STAYING,
SO I HAD TO GET SOMEONE
TO FILL IN THE SLOTS.
BUT IF IT'S A PROBLEM,
WE CAN JUST GO TO SANDI'S,
BECAUSE I KNOW HER MOTHER
WOULD BE...
- FINE.
YOUR FRIENDS CAN STAY HERE.
LIKE I WOULD GIVE LINDA
THE SATISFACTION.
- MAYBE I NEED TO STOP
BLAMING DAD FOR MY PROBLEMS
AND CONCENTRATE ON BEING
THE BEST FATHER I CAN,
REALLY REACH OUT
TO MY LITTLE GIRL,
WHO ALWAYS LOOKS SO LONELY,
AND TELL HER,
"I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I ALWAYS WILL BE."
YOU KNOW, THE PEANUT REALLY
IS A SECOND-CLASS NUT.
NOW, CASHEWS, THOSE ARE WHAT
THE BIG GUYS EAT, THE CEOs.
- I DON'T CARE
IF HE'S AFRAID OF HEIGHTS,
BUT HE'S AFRAID
TO BE AFRAID.
THAT'S WHAT'S
SO HEARTBREAKING.
HE'S MY FATHER.
SHOULDN'T I LET DOWN
THE BARRICADES FOR ONCE
AND TELL HIM
I THINK HE'S A HERO?
HOW DID A SALTED GOLDFISH
GET IN HERE?
WEIRD.
[knock at door]
- HI, GIRLS.
POPCORN?
- GEE, QUINN.
YOU DIDN'T TELL US YOUR MOTHER
WAS GOING TO BE HERE.
- LAST-MINUTE CHANGE OF PLANS.
THANKS, MOM,
BYE NOW.
- WAIT, QUINN.
YOU DIDN'T ASK YOUR MOTHER
IF SHE MIGHT LIKE A MAKEOVER.
- OH, YES!
- YEAH.
- OH, SANDI,
WHAT A GREAT IDEA.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR A MAKEOVER, DO YOU, MOM?
- I SUPPOSE NOT.
- I GUESS
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
IF I MAKE YOU LOOK
TEN YEARS YOUNGER,
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO OUT
AND BUY A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE.
- ACTUALLY,
A MAKEOVER SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
I'LL GO CHANGE
INTO MY PAJAMAS.
- DEAR GOD, NOT THE ONES
WITH THE BUMBLEBEES.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU DON'T HAVE IT?
TWO ADJACENT ROOMS.
MORGENDORFFER.
"M" AS IN "MAD AS HELL."
- I'M SORRY.
I JUST DON'T SEE IT.
- JAKE?
JAKE MORGENDORFFER.
- JODIE'S PARENTS?
- HOW YOU DOING, BIG GUY?
- OH, HI, ANDREW.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO, MICHELE.
- HI.
- HI.
- HOW NICE OF YOU
TO BRING YOUR DAUGHTER, JAKE.
- OH, HELEN HAD SOME
LAST-MINUTE WORK COME UP.
- REAL GO-GETTER, HUH?
- AND I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES ME
THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MAN?
BECAUSE I'M GOING BACK TO WORK
AS SOON AS EVAN'S IN DAY CARE.
- NO SON OF MINE
IS GOING IN A DAY CARE.
MONTESSORI, MY BUTT.
WHY NOT JUST THROW HIM
TO THE WOLVES?
GIVE A CALL, JAKE.
WE'LL GRAB A DRINK
BEFORE THE RECEPTION.
WE'LL BE IN THE TOWER,
PENTHOUSE "C."
- THE TOWER?
- MR. MORGENDORFFER?
I THINK
I FOUND YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE NOT SENSITIVE
TO THE SOUNDS OR SMELLS
OF A KITCHEN EXHAUST FAN,
ARE YOU?
[rock music]
- THIS IS VERY NICE OF YOU,
SANDI.
- MY PLEASURE.
I LIKE TO GIVE BACK
TO THE COMMUNITY, HELEN.
- HELEN?
OH, WHEN WILL IT END?
WHEN WILL IT END?
- ARE YOU SURE
ABOUT THIS FOUNDATION?
- A MATTE FINISH IS ALWAYS BEST
FOR CONCEALING AGE SPOTS.
- YOU KNOW, SANDI,
A FRECKLE OR A LINE
HERE OR THERE IS NO SIN.
A FEW LINES IN A WOMAN'S FACE
SHOW CHARACTER.
- HMM.
- EXCEPT FOR
THE MEAN LITTLE ONES
SOME PEOPLE GET
AT THE CORNERS OF THEIR MOUTH
FROM SCOWLING TOO MUCH.
- SHALL I PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS
NOW?
- IN A TRULY CIVILIZED
SOCIETY,
WISDOM WOULD COUNT
MORE THAN APPEARANCE,
AND A GROWN WOMAN
OF ACCOMPLISHMENT
WOULDN'T BE RUN OUT OF TOWN
FOR SPROUTING
A FEW TINY CROW'S FEET.
SANDI, DO YOU THINK YOUR MOTHER
KNOWS A GOOD COLLAGEN MAN?
- SHALL I ASK HER?
- NO!
- I DON'T KNOW, JAKE.
MOST OF THE COMPANIES HERE
LOOK A LITTLE
ON THE SMALL-FRY SIDE FOR ME,
BUT THERE'S NO REASON
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T
DRUM UP SOME BUSINESS.
- SHALL I GO GET
THE TOM-TOMS?
- [laughs]
- OH, LOOK,
TERRY BARRY BARLOW.
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE ENTREPRENEURFEST 3000.
DID YOU KNOW HE SAVED
HIS BALLOON CREW'S LIVES
IN AN ICE STORM?
- AND I'LL BET HE NEVER
TALKS ABOUT IT.
- TORE OPEN THE RIP PANEL
WITH HIS TEETH.
- HE'S SO...
- MUNCH-ER-OIC?
- ANDREW LANDON,
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?
- DOUBLING MY NET WORTH
EVERY SIX MONTHS.
- IF YOU DONE IT,
IT AIN'T BRAGGING.
[laughter]
- WELL,
LOOK WHO I'M TALKING TO.
HEY, HAVE YOU MET MY WIFE,
MICHELE?
- FORMER SENIOR V.P.
AT U.S. WORLD.
- IMPRESSIVE.
WHO ARE YOU WITH NOW?
- ACTUALLY,
I'M TAKING A BRIEF HIATUS.
WE RECENTLY HAD A SON.
- ONE OF THE UNFORTUNATE
SIDE EFFECTS OF VIAGRA.
HA, JUST KIDDING.
GOT A PAIR OF NEWBORNS
MYSELF.
PAY THEIR MOTHER
A NICE SETTLEMENT TOO.
- WANT TO CHECK OUT
THE POTATO SALAD SWAN?
- LEAD THE WAY.
- OH, BARLOW,
THIS IS JAKE MORGENDORFFER.
HIS DAUGHTER
GOES TO SCHOOL WITH OURS.
- AH, THE LITTLE
FOUR-EYED GIRL.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
- JAKE MORGENDORFFER
CONSULTING.
BY CONSULTING, I MEAN...
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
LANDON.
MY NEW CHAIN IS GOING
TO BLOW THE LID
OFF THE SIMULATED REGIONAL
FAMILY-STYLE SECTOR.
ALLIGATOR ALLEY,
NEW ORLEANS CUISINE,
LIVE ALLIGATOR WRESTLING.
- YOU'VE GOT GUTS, BARLOW.
THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM SAYS
THEME RESTAURANTS HAVE PEAKED.
- THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
CONVENTIONAL WISDOM.
SHIFT THE PARADIGM.
- PUSH THE ENVELOPE.
- THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.
- ARE CROCODILES ALLIGATORS,
OR IS IT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
- WHAT IF
THIS GIRL'S BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER
AS MUCH AS HE USED TO?
WHAT IF WHAT WAS ONCE
A HOT RELATIONSHIP
IS NOW SORT OF A DRAG?
LET'S SAY THEY'VE BEEN GOING
STEADY FOR...
OH, I DON'T KNOW...
20 YEARS.
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE SHOULD
FLIRT WITH HIS FRIENDS.
- I SAY BREAK UP,
IDEALLY, ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
- THESE CHEDDAR CHEESE BISCOTTI
ARE AWFUL.
- SO IS THE SIGHT OF GROWN MEN
TRYING TO OUTSHAKE EACH OTHER.
- EXCUSE ME, DARIA.
I'M GOING TO RETRIEVE MY HUSBAND
BEFORE HE BREAKS HIS HAND
AND I HAVE TO DRESS TWO BABIES
EVERY MORNING.
- ALL I'M SAYING IS,
YOU CAN PILE UP
YOUR MARKET RESEARCH
LIKE COW PIES
IN A PASTURE.
THEY'RE STILL NO SUBSTITUTE
FOR TALKING TO THE PEOPLE.
TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER THERE,
JACK.
- JAKE.
- ONE CONVERSATION WITH HER
WILL TELL ME MORE
THAN A 50-PAGE REPORT
FROM SOME FANCY-SHMANCY
CONSULTING FIRM.
SAY, WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOU DO AGAIN?
- THESE CHEDDAR CHEESE BISCOTTI
ARE GREAT.
- WEARING BRAIDS WITH A HEADBAND
IS SO WRONG.
[phone rings]
- NO ONE ANSWER IT.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
UNAVAILABLE.
[electronic beep]
HI, I'M NOT HERE,
BUT IF YOU WANT
TO SCHEDULE A DATE,
PLEASE LEAVE
THE TIME AND DAY DESIRED
AND YOUR CAR'S MODEL,
YEAR, AND COLOR,
AND MAYBE
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.
BYE.
[electronic beep]
- HEY, QUINN, IT'S SCOTT.
WE WERE HOPING
TO SEE YOU AT RICKY'S,
BUT YOU'RE NOT HERE.
HOPE EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
- DID YOU REACH QUINN?
- IS SHE ALL RIGHT?
- WANT TO BUY
SOME BOYS 'R' GUYS TICKETS?
- WHY IS SCOTT CALLING YOU?
I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME.
- RICKY'S HAVING A PARTY?
[cries]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE DIDN'T INVITE ME.
I THOUGHT
HE THOUGHT I WAS CUTE.
- STACEY,
IT'S NOT REALLY A PARTY.
- THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN
WHY YOU STOLE SCOTT
AWAY FROM ME.
- BUT, SANDI, YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE SCOTT.
YOU SAID HIS FINGERS
WERE TOO PUDGY.
- [wails]
- YELLOW SANDALS
ARE SO WRONG.
- HONEY, TERRY BARRY BARLOW
WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
- THERE'S SO MUCH ABOUT THIS DAY
I CAN'T BELIEVE.
- SAY, DARLENE.
WOULD ALLIGATOR WRESTLING
GET YOU INTO A RESTAURANT?
- OF COURSE, IT WOULD.
- THAT DEPENDS.
IS THERE A RESTAURANT
NEXT DOOR WITH COCKFIGHTS?
- [laughs]
DARLENE, YOU'RE SHARP.
YOU REMIND ME OF ME.
- YEAH.
UH, ME TOO.
- YOU TWO LIKE BALLOONING?
- BALLOONING?
LIKE UP IN THE AIR?
- THESE CONFERENCES
ARE DULL AS DIRT.
LET'S SNEAK OFF TOMORROW MORNING
FOR A SPIN IN MY BALLOON.
WE CAN BE BACK IN TIME
FOR THE KEYNOTE ADDRESS.
- WAY UP IN THE AIR?
SOUNDS GREAT.
YEAH, THAT'LL BE FUN.
RIGHT, DARIA?
- MORE FUN THAN
A BARREL OF ALLIGATORS.
- DARIA?
OKAY,
MEET ME OUT FRONT AT 5:00 A.M.
- I THOUGHT
YOU WERE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
- OH, UH,
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
- WELL, MORGENDORFFER,
THE OTHER CADETS
ARE GOING TO TURN IN.
THEY'RE ALL TUCKERED OUT
FROM LAUGHING AT YOUR COWARDICE.
GUESS I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU
HERE FOR THE NIGHT.
BY THE WAY,
YOUR FATHER CALLED,
AND I TOLD HIM
ALL ABOUT IT.
HE SAYS DON'T BOTHER
COMING HOME FOR EASTER.
- HELP ME?
- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA ♪
- GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP,
KIDDO.
I'LL WAKE YOU AT 4:30.
- CAN'T.
I HAVE A DATE AT THE MUSEUM
OF MEDICAL ODDITIES TOMORROW
WITH A SALIVARY GLAND TUMOR,
REMEMBER?
- BUT, DARIA, THIS BALLOON RIDE
IS MY BIG BREAK.
ALLIGATOR ALLEY IS GOING TO NEED
LOTS OF MARKETING KNOW-HOW.
WE'RE A TEAM, RIGHT?
- VERY MUCH LIKE
AN OLYMPIC SKATING DUO
WITHOUT THE SEQUINS.
- AW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY SHOULD YOU
HELP ME OUT?
HERE WE'VE SPENT
A WHOLE DAY TOGETHER,
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED
TO FIND OUT, UM,
YOUR DREAMS AND FEARS.
- MY BIGGEST FEAR RIGHT NOW
IS THAT I'LL WAKE UP
AND THIS CONVERSATION
WON'T BE A DREAM.
DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE?
YOU KNOW, BOND?
- UM, I GUESS WE COULD.
- HA.
- HMM.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
YOU KNOW HOW WE ALWAYS
SIT IN THE KITCHEN TOGETHER
READING THE PAPER
AND NOT TALKING?
- IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION?
- MAYBE OUR
FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP
HAS REACHED THAT RARE LEVEL
WHERE WE NO LONGER
HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS
OF EMPTY CONVERSATION.
THAT'S BONDING.
- YEAH,
BUT YOUR MOTHER THINKS
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
- 6 1/2 "B."
- I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT!
- IT'S MY SHOE SIZE.
- OH.
10 "D."
- OKAY, NOW THAT WE KNOW
EACH OTHER'S DEEPEST SECRETS,
I SAY IT'S TIME
TO HIT THE SACK.
[sighs]
AND I'LL SEE YOU AT 4:30.
- GREAT!
- [grunts] STUPID!
[groaning]
NO MATTER WHAT I DO,
PILLOW HAIR.
- THIS PAPAYA JOJOBA
OVERNIGHT FACIAL MASK
IS REALLY ITCHY.
- I'M WARNING YOU GUYS,
I DON'T LOOK MY BEST
IN THE MORNING.
I HOPE
I DON'T SCARE YOU.
- OH, SANDI, I JUST HOPE
I DON'T SCARE YOU.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND ME
TAKING THE BED?
IF IT WEREN'T
FOR MY CONDITION...
- OH, YEAH,
YOUR CONDITION.
- OF COURSE NOT.
WELL, SWEET DREAMS,
EVERYONE.
- SWEET DREAMS.
- GOOD NIGHT.
[spooky music]
[scissors snicking]
[thunder crashes]
[scissors snicking]
[thunder crashes]
- SANDI!
- QUINN!
- DID YOU HAVE A BAD DREAM?
- A REAL NIGHTMARE.
- ME TOO.
- WHAT WAS YOURS ABOUT?
- UM,
SOMEONE HURTING PUPPIES.
- MINE WAS ABOUT ORPHANS
WHO NEEDED ANKLE BOOTS.
WELL, BACK TO SLEEP.
- NIGHT.
- WHAT'S YOUR FANCY,
JAKE?
PLAY TAG WITH THE TREETOPS
OR GO OUT OVER THE WATER
FOR A MILE OR TWO?
- OH, UH, WHATEVER
IS MORE BOLD AND EXCITING.
- I HEAR THEY HAVE
A BOLD AND EXCITING BRUNCH
BACK AT THE HOTEL.
- WHERE IS THE CREW?
IT IS TIME
FOR THE GET-GO.
- YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM,
ARNO.
MY NEW COMPADRES,
JAKE AND DARIA MOGENDAVID.
- THAT'S...
- DON'T BOTHER.
- YOU'D PUT OUR LIVES
IN THE HANDS
OF A TEENAGER
AND A CONFUSED MAN?
- HEY!
- ALSO, I DO NOT LIKE
THE LOOKS OF THOSE CUMULUS.
NO, NO FLIGHT TODAY.
- PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF NOW!
WHEN I SAY "FROG,"
I EXPECT YOU TO JUMP.
- I AM NOT A HOPPY THING.
I AM A WORLD-CLASS
BALLOONIST.
- WHO PAYS YOUR SALARY,
BLONDIE?
I MADE YOU,
AND I CAN BREAK YOU.
- OH, YES?
WELL, HOW WOULD CNN
MR. GEORGE BERNIE SHAW
LIKE TO KNOW
I AM THE ONE
WHO RIPPED THE BALLOON OPEN
WITH MY TEETH?
AND I MYSELF HAVE
THE DENTAL RECORDS TO PROVE SO.
[groaning]
- I FEEL TERRIBLE.
- I FEEL HORRIBLE.
- PILLOW HAIR.
- RASH.
[doorbell rings]
- SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,
MRS. MORGENDORFFER,
BUT WE WERE WORRIED
ABOUT QUINN.
- NO ONE'S SEEN HER
ALL WEEKEND.
DID SHE ELOPE OR SOMETHING?
- PLEASE SAY NO.
- YOU DON'T LOOK TIRED AT ALL,
QUINN.
IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T EVEN
WEAR MAKEUP TODAY.
[all scream]
- HI, QUINN.
- I SELL MY SOUL TO WET-NURSE
THE WHINY BILLIONAIRE,
AND SOMEONE ELSE
BALLOONS AROUND THE WORLD FIRST.
OH, DENMARK,
HOW I HAVE FAILED YOU.
- YOU COULD STILL BE THE FIRST
TO FLY AROUND THE WORLD TWICE.
- TEEN GIRL IS RIGHT.
I SHALL DO IT.
BEGINNING NOW,
I QUIT.
- NEXT TIME,
I GET A NORWEGIAN.
WELL, LET'S GET CRACKING.
JAKE, GET INTO THE GONDOLA
AND MAN THE BURNER.
- WHOOPS.
BROKE THE ZIPPER
ON MY SWEATSHIRT.
NO CAN DO.
- A LITTLE NERVOUS,
HUH, JAKE?
YOU KNOW HOW
I GOT WHERE I AM TODAY?
- I KNOW IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH BALLOON BITING.
- PURE GUTS.
I'VE BEEN FACE-TO-FACE
WITH BENGAL TIGERS,
HIMALAYAN SNOW SQUALLS,
STRANGE KIDS CALLING OUT,
"DADDY!"
DID I LET FEAR PARALYZE ME?
NO WAY.
- I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU,
YOU CLOUDS THAT ARE LOOKING
AN AWFUL LOT
LIKE DAD'S FACE RIGHT NOW!
LET'S BALLOON!
- COME ON, DARIA!
- GEE, I DON'T THINK SO.
WHILE I LOVE A GOOD AIR DISASTER
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON,
I WAS HOPING MY FATHER AND I
WOULD BOTH BE AROUND LONG ENOUGH
FOR HIM TO SQUANDER
MY INHERITANCE
ON TELEMARKETING SCAMS
AND DIGITALIS.
- KIDDO,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
- REFUSING
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH AN UNMANAGEABLE BAG
OF HOT AIR OR HIS BALLOON.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, SCREW THIS CRAP.
I'M GOING SAILING.
- OH, WELL, NO BALLOONING TODAY.
DARN IT.
[screams]
- UM, DAD?
- DON'T WORRY, DARIA.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL UP HERE.
I'M NOT AFRAID!
I FINALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS
TO CONQUER MY FEARS!
NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!
[laughs]
[rustling crash]
MOMMY?
- WATCH OUT
FOR THAT TREE.
- WHAT IF
THIS GIRL'S BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER
AS MUCH AS HE USED TO?
WHAT IF WHAT WAS ONCE
A HOT RELATIONSHIP
IS NOW SORT OF A DRAG?
LET'S SAY THEY'VE
BEEN GOING STEADY FOR...
I DON'T KNOW... 20 YEARS.
- SORRY THAT BALLOON RIDE
DIDN'T WORK OUT
THE WAY YOU WANTED.
- I'M FINE, DARIA.
DAMN IT.
I'M MORE THAN FINE.
THIS EXPERIENCE HAS GIVEN ME
A NEW JOLT OF CONFIDENCE.
OH, SURE, IT WAS PAINFUL
HAVING THAT BRANCH REMOVED,
BUT I'VE CONQUERED A FEAR
THAT'S BEEN WITH ME
EVER SINCE CHILDHOOD.
I'M NOT AFRAID
OF ANYTHING NOW.
I OWE YOU ONE, KIDDO.
- WELL,
WE STILL HAVE A FEW HOURS
BEFORE WE'RE DUE
AT THE AIRPORT.
- IS THAT A...
COULD THAT REALLY BE A...
EW.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ THIS IS MY STOP ♪
♪ GOT TO GET OFF ♪
♪ I MAY GO POP ♪
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
[whistle blows]
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE DIRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ IF I'M WRONG,
PLEASE CORRECT ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪
- LISTEN TO THIS SEMINAR.
"OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD PROFITS WITH
MARTIAN-THEMED RESTAURANTS."
THIS EAT-ERTAINMENT CONFERENCE
IS GOING TO BE GREAT.
- STOMACH PUMPS
SOLD SEPARATELY.
- HEY, LOOK.
THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER
IS TERRY BARRY BARLOW.
HE'S A FRANCHISING GENIUS,
MADE $40 MILLION
OFF THE PIZZA FOREST CHAIN.
- ALL ON THE BACKS
OF MINIMUM-WAGE CHIPMUNKS.
- JAKE, I DON'T HAVE TO ATTEND
ANY OF THESE WORKSHOPS, DO I?
- OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF
TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONFERENCES.
YOU JUST SIT BY THE POOL
AND LOOK HOT.
- WHERE ARE THOSE
DAMN STOMACH PUMPS?
- GOOD, BECAUSE
I HAVEN'T HAD A DAY OFF IN...
- WAIT.
YOU'RE LEAVING ME HERE ALONE
WITH DARIA ALL WEEKEND?
- RELAX.
I'LL USE
THE POPULAR THUMBSCREWS.
- I GUESS IF I SCHEDULE
MORNING, AFTERNOON,
AND EVENING DATES...
- NO DATING
WHILE WE'RE OUT OF TOWN.
- MOM!
- THE BOYS OF LAWNDALE
WILL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU CAN EACH INVITE ONE FRIEND
OVER FOR COMPANY.
- BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO CHOOSE JUST ONE FRIEND?
- THROW THEM IN A LAKE
AND SEE WHO BOBS
TO THE SURFACE FIRST?
- QUINN,
ARE YOU BUSY SATURDAY?
I KNOW YOU LIKE BOYS 'R' GUYS,
SO I BOUGHT TWO TICKETS.
- I GOT THREE,
'CAUSE I KNOW
HOW YOU HATE
OTHER PEOPLE'S ELBOWS.
- GENIUS,
THEN YOU NEED FIVE SEATS:
EMPTY, ME,
EMPTY, QUINN, EMPTY.
- UH, SORRY, GUYS,
BUT I'M BUSY.
THANKS ANYWAY.
- WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH THESE?
I HATE BOYS 'R' GUYS.
- BOYS 'R' GUYS SUCK.
- GEE, QUINN, YOUR DATE SATURDAY
MUST BE REALLY CUTE
FOR YOU NOT TO BLOW HIM OFF
FOR A CONCERT.
- YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT PRIORITIES?
- ACTUALLY,
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DATE.
I'M STAYING HOME.
[all gasp]
- OH, NO.
- QUINN MORGENDORFFER,
AS PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB,
I'M AFRAID I MUST RELIEVE YOU
OF ALL VICE PRESIDENTIAL DUTIES
UNTIL YOU HAVE REGAINED
YOUR SENSES.
YOUR LIPSTICK, PLEASE.
- UM, SANDI,
SO MANY GUYS
ASKED ME OUT THIS WEEKEND
THAT I FIGURED
IF I STAY HOME THIS ONCE,
THEY'LL ALL WANT
TO GO OUT WITH ME EVEN MORE.
- CRAFTY.
- I KNOW
YOU GUYS HAVE DATES,
BUT STACEY,
IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SLEEP OVER SATURDAY?
- SURE.
- SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
QUINN,
IS THAT YOU AND STACEY
ARE MORE UNAVAILABLE
THAN ME AND TIFFANY.
- UM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS,
SANDI.
I WANT YOU ALL
TO COME OVER.
- OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SO MUCH FUN.
- THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.
I HAVEN'T HAD A SLEEPOVER...
- HMM.
I SENSE A WORRISOME
TEEN CONSPIRACY AFOOT.
- NO, QUINN'S
JUST OBEYING ORDERS
BY INVITING ONE PERSON TO SLEEP
OVER THIS WEEKEND THREE TIMES.
- AND HOW WILL SHE BE EXPLAINING
THE EXTRA DAUGHTERS
TO JAKE AND HELEN?
- THEY'RE GOING OUT OF TOWN.
YOU MIND
IF I COME OVER SATURDAY NIGHT?
OTHERWISE, I'M AFRAID
I'LL END UP DOING TIME FOR
DE-ACCESSORIZING A TEENAGE GIRL
WITH MY BARE HANDS.
- GUESS I'LL JUST
HAVE TO VISIT YOU IN THE JOINT.
TOM AND I ARE GOING BOWLING
WITH HIS FRIENDS SATURDAY.
- OH.
- YOU COULD TAG ALONG.
- NO, THANKS.
I'LL JUST STAY IN AND CURL UP
WITH A GOOD DOSE OF STRYCHNINE.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
NO ONE IS FORCING YOU
TO STAY HOME.
IT'S A BIG WIDE WORLD
OUT THERE.
- YES.
IT'S THE WIDTH
I FIND SO DISTURBING.
- LANDING A BIG CLIENT LIKE
TERRY BARRY BARLOW
IS JUST THE R.X. I NEED
TO GET THE OLD PROFILE
BACK ON HIGH.
- THAT'S NICE, DEAR.
BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS SETTLED.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH
THEY'RE PAYING
FOR THE
RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY?
- HEY, THIS CONFERENCE
IS RIGHT NEAR
THE MUSEUM OF MEDICAL ODDITIES.
DAD, WOULD YOU MIND
SWINGING BY THE GIFT SHOP
AND GETTING ME
A SKULL CRUSHER?
- SURE THING, KIDDO.
SKULL CRUSHER?
EW.
- OKAY!
I'LL BE THERE.
DAMN!
WELL, THAT'S IT.
I CAN'T GO
TO THE CONFERENCE.
THE PORT-A-FRY CLASS ACTION SUIT
IS BACK ON.
- BUT, HELEN, I NEED YOU.
THE TICKETS
ARE NONREFUNDABLE.
- I'M SORRY, JAKE.
REALLY, I AM.
BUT THE FIRM'S
COUNTING ON ME.
TELL YOU WHAT,
GO GET YOURSELF
A NEW SET OF GOLF CLUBS, ON ME,
AND YOU CAN THINK OF ME
WHEN YOU'RE HITTING THE BALL,
REALLY WHACK IT.
[weak laugh]
I'D BETTER
GO REVIEW MY FILE.
- "THE FIRM'S
COUNTING ON ME."
GOD FORBID
I SHOULD COUNT ON ANYONE.
LITTLE JAKEY HAS TO LEARN
TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT.
IT'S WEAK
TO DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE.
"HEY, YOU DON'T MIND
SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS
"IN THE BARRACKS,
DO YOU, SON?
THE JANITOR
WILL KEEP AN EYE ON YOU."
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAD...
IN HELL!
[sobbing]
- SURE, WE CAN PLAY
MY BOYS 'R' GUYS CDs
AND THE BACKYARD BOYS
AND BOYS FROM THE STREET
AND BOYS IN SUITS
AND GANG OF BOYS AND...
- FISH GOT TO SWIM,
AND BIRDS GOT TO FLY,
BUT NOT WHEN
YOU BAKE THEM BOTH IN A PIE.
SUNDAY BRUNCH
IN THE LOONY BIN,
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- WHY AM I THE ONE
WHO'S ALWAYS DESERTED?
THE ONE THERE'S NEVER ROOM FOR
IN THE CAR?
- UM, DAD,
I'D GO WITH YOU, BUT...
- "I'D GO WITH YOU,
"BUT THE DOG
NEEDS HIS NAILS CLIPPED.
HAPPY WEDDING, SON."
[wails]
- AND THEN WE CAN WATCH
THE WAIF SPECIAL:
BEFORE THEY WERE SUPERMODELS.
- BEFORE
THEY WERE SUPERMODELS?
[sighs]
I WILL GO WITH YOU, DAD,
IF I CAN STOP OFF AT THE MUSEUM
AND CHECK OUT THE SLICED MAN.
- YOU'RE ON, KIDDO.
SLICED MAN?
EW.
[Jake gargling water]
- YOU KNOW, HONEY,
YOU COULD REALLY TURN
THIS CHANGE OF PLANS
INTO SOMETHING VERY POSITIVE.
- [spits]
YOU'RE NOT GETTING
OUT OF THE GOLF CLUBS, HELEN.
- I MEAN
THIS TRIP IS A CHANCE
TO REALLY GET TO KNOW
YOUR DAUGHTER AS A PERSON:
HER HOPES, HER DREAMS,
HER FEARS.
- AW, HELEN,
DO I HAVE TO?
- JAKE.
- BUT I'M SCARED.
[lounge music]
I LOVE BUSINESS CLASS.
COMPLIMENTARY COCKTAILS,
ARMRESTS YOU CAN
REALLY GET A GRIP ON.
[nervous laugh]
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
HOW ABOUT A REFILL HERE?
- DAD,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO EASY
ON THE
COMPLIMENTARY COCKTAILS.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
NEED A DISTRACTION.
NEED A DISTRACTION.
"I DID IT.
WHY CAN'T YOU?"
DID YOU KNOW
TERRY BARRY BARLOW
SAVED THE LIVES OF
HIS ENTIRE BALLOONING CREW
IN AN ICE STORM?
HE CLIMBED UP THE ROPES
AND OPENED THE RIP PANEL
WITH HIS TEETH.
- I JUST PERFORMED
A SIMILAR ACT OF BRAVERY
ON THIS BAG OF PEANUTS.
- OF COURSE, WE'VE GOT
THREE-PRONGED OUTLETS, SANDI.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS,
UNCIVILIZATION?
- THEY SETTLED?
DAMN IT, ERIC.
THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT
WEEKEND FOR JAKE,
AND I WAS GONNA...
OH, STOP IT, ERIC.
YOU DO NOT.
YOU DO NOT.
OH, VERY WELL.
YOU SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT
KNOWING I'M ON THE JOB.
YOU KNOW, I DO TRY.
[laughs lightly]
OH, SURE,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT CALL.
BYE.
- BYE.
- [sighs]
WELL, HONEY,
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOM
WILL BE AROUND THE HOUSE
THIS WEEKEND AFTER ALL.
- WHAT?
I MEAN GREAT.
BY THE WAY, DID I MENTION
SANDI AND TIFFANY
ARE COMING OVER
ALONG WITH STACEY?
WELL, I BETTER GO
INVENTORY THE Q-TIPS.
- QUINN!
I SAID ONE GUEST.
- I KNOW, BUT DARIA
AND HER FRIEND AREN'T STAYING,
SO I HAD TO GET SOMEONE
TO FILL IN THE SLOTS.
BUT IF IT'S A PROBLEM,
WE CAN JUST GO TO SANDI'S,
BECAUSE I KNOW HER MOTHER
WOULD BE...
- FINE.
YOUR FRIENDS CAN STAY HERE.
LIKE I WOULD GIVE LINDA
THE SATISFACTION.
- MAYBE I NEED TO STOP
BLAMING DAD FOR MY PROBLEMS
AND CONCENTRATE ON BEING
THE BEST FATHER I CAN,
REALLY REACH OUT
TO MY LITTLE GIRL,
WHO ALWAYS LOOKS SO LONELY,
AND TELL HER,
"I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I ALWAYS WILL BE."
YOU KNOW, THE PEANUT REALLY
IS A SECOND-CLASS NUT.
NOW, CASHEWS, THOSE ARE WHAT
THE BIG GUYS EAT, THE CEOs.
- I DON'T CARE
IF HE'S AFRAID OF HEIGHTS,
BUT HE'S AFRAID
TO BE AFRAID.
THAT'S WHAT'S
SO HEARTBREAKING.
HE'S MY FATHER.
SHOULDN'T I LET DOWN
THE BARRICADES FOR ONCE
AND TELL HIM
I THINK HE'S A HERO?
HOW DID A SALTED GOLDFISH
GET IN HERE?
WEIRD.
[knock at door]
- HI, GIRLS.
POPCORN?
- GEE, QUINN.
YOU DIDN'T TELL US YOUR MOTHER
WAS GOING TO BE HERE.
- LAST-MINUTE CHANGE OF PLANS.
THANKS, MOM,
BYE NOW.
- WAIT, QUINN.
YOU DIDN'T ASK YOUR MOTHER
IF SHE MIGHT LIKE A MAKEOVER.
- OH, YES!
- YEAH.
- OH, SANDI,
WHAT A GREAT IDEA.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR A MAKEOVER, DO YOU, MOM?
- I SUPPOSE NOT.
- I GUESS
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
IF I MAKE YOU LOOK
TEN YEARS YOUNGER,
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO OUT
AND BUY A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE.
- ACTUALLY,
A MAKEOVER SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
I'LL GO CHANGE
INTO MY PAJAMAS.
- DEAR GOD, NOT THE ONES
WITH THE BUMBLEBEES.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU DON'T HAVE IT?
TWO ADJACENT ROOMS.
MORGENDORFFER.
"M" AS IN "MAD AS HELL."
- I'M SORRY.
I JUST DON'T SEE IT.
- JAKE?
JAKE MORGENDORFFER.
- JODIE'S PARENTS?
- HOW YOU DOING, BIG GUY?
- OH, HI, ANDREW.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO, MICHELE.
- HI.
- HI.
- HOW NICE OF YOU
TO BRING YOUR DAUGHTER, JAKE.
- OH, HELEN HAD SOME
LAST-MINUTE WORK COME UP.
- REAL GO-GETTER, HUH?
- AND I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES ME
THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MAN?
BECAUSE I'M GOING BACK TO WORK
AS SOON AS EVAN'S IN DAY CARE.
- NO SON OF MINE
IS GOING IN A DAY CARE.
MONTESSORI, MY BUTT.
WHY NOT JUST THROW HIM
TO THE WOLVES?
GIVE A CALL, JAKE.
WE'LL GRAB A DRINK
BEFORE THE RECEPTION.
WE'LL BE IN THE TOWER,
PENTHOUSE "C."
- THE TOWER?
- MR. MORGENDORFFER?
I THINK
I FOUND YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE NOT SENSITIVE
TO THE SOUNDS OR SMELLS
OF A KITCHEN EXHAUST FAN,
ARE YOU?
[rock music]
- THIS IS VERY NICE OF YOU,
SANDI.
- MY PLEASURE.
I LIKE TO GIVE BACK
TO THE COMMUNITY, HELEN.
- HELEN?
OH, WHEN WILL IT END?
WHEN WILL IT END?
- ARE YOU SURE
ABOUT THIS FOUNDATION?
- A MATTE FINISH IS ALWAYS BEST
FOR CONCEALING AGE SPOTS.
- YOU KNOW, SANDI,
A FRECKLE OR A LINE
HERE OR THERE IS NO SIN.
A FEW LINES IN A WOMAN'S FACE
SHOW CHARACTER.
- HMM.
- EXCEPT FOR
THE MEAN LITTLE ONES
SOME PEOPLE GET
AT THE CORNERS OF THEIR MOUTH
FROM SCOWLING TOO MUCH.
- SHALL I PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS
NOW?
- IN A TRULY CIVILIZED
SOCIETY,
WISDOM WOULD COUNT
MORE THAN APPEARANCE,
AND A GROWN WOMAN
OF ACCOMPLISHMENT
WOULDN'T BE RUN OUT OF TOWN
FOR SPROUTING
A FEW TINY CROW'S FEET.
SANDI, DO YOU THINK YOUR MOTHER
KNOWS A GOOD COLLAGEN MAN?
- SHALL I ASK HER?
- NO!
- I DON'T KNOW, JAKE.
MOST OF THE COMPANIES HERE
LOOK A LITTLE
ON THE SMALL-FRY SIDE FOR ME,
BUT THERE'S NO REASON
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T
DRUM UP SOME BUSINESS.
- SHALL I GO GET
THE TOM-TOMS?
- [laughs]
- OH, LOOK,
TERRY BARRY BARLOW.
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE ENTREPRENEURFEST 3000.
DID YOU KNOW HE SAVED
HIS BALLOON CREW'S LIVES
IN AN ICE STORM?
- AND I'LL BET HE NEVER
TALKS ABOUT IT.
- TORE OPEN THE RIP PANEL
WITH HIS TEETH.
- HE'S SO...
- MUNCH-ER-OIC?
- ANDREW LANDON,
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?
- DOUBLING MY NET WORTH
EVERY SIX MONTHS.
- IF YOU DONE IT,
IT AIN'T BRAGGING.
[laughter]
- WELL,
LOOK WHO I'M TALKING TO.
HEY, HAVE YOU MET MY WIFE,
MICHELE?
- FORMER SENIOR V.P.
AT U.S. WORLD.
- IMPRESSIVE.
WHO ARE YOU WITH NOW?
- ACTUALLY,
I'M TAKING A BRIEF HIATUS.
WE RECENTLY HAD A SON.
- ONE OF THE UNFORTUNATE
SIDE EFFECTS OF VIAGRA.
HA, JUST KIDDING.
GOT A PAIR OF NEWBORNS
MYSELF.
PAY THEIR MOTHER
A NICE SETTLEMENT TOO.
- WANT TO CHECK OUT
THE POTATO SALAD SWAN?
- LEAD THE WAY.
- OH, BARLOW,
THIS IS JAKE MORGENDORFFER.
HIS DAUGHTER
GOES TO SCHOOL WITH OURS.
- AH, THE LITTLE
FOUR-EYED GIRL.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
- JAKE MORGENDORFFER
CONSULTING.
BY CONSULTING, I MEAN...
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
LANDON.
MY NEW CHAIN IS GOING
TO BLOW THE LID
OFF THE SIMULATED REGIONAL
FAMILY-STYLE SECTOR.
ALLIGATOR ALLEY,
NEW ORLEANS CUISINE,
LIVE ALLIGATOR WRESTLING.
- YOU'VE GOT GUTS, BARLOW.
THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM SAYS
THEME RESTAURANTS HAVE PEAKED.
- THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
CONVENTIONAL WISDOM.
SHIFT THE PARADIGM.
- PUSH THE ENVELOPE.
- THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.
- ARE CROCODILES ALLIGATORS,
OR IS IT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
- WHAT IF
THIS GIRL'S BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER
AS MUCH AS HE USED TO?
WHAT IF WHAT WAS ONCE
A HOT RELATIONSHIP
IS NOW SORT OF A DRAG?
LET'S SAY THEY'VE BEEN GOING
STEADY FOR...
OH, I DON'T KNOW...
20 YEARS.
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE SHOULD
FLIRT WITH HIS FRIENDS.
- I SAY BREAK UP,
IDEALLY, ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
- THESE CHEDDAR CHEESE BISCOTTI
ARE AWFUL.
- SO IS THE SIGHT OF GROWN MEN
TRYING TO OUTSHAKE EACH OTHER.
- EXCUSE ME, DARIA.
I'M GOING TO RETRIEVE MY HUSBAND
BEFORE HE BREAKS HIS HAND
AND I HAVE TO DRESS TWO BABIES
EVERY MORNING.
- ALL I'M SAYING IS,
YOU CAN PILE UP
YOUR MARKET RESEARCH
LIKE COW PIES
IN A PASTURE.
THEY'RE STILL NO SUBSTITUTE
FOR TALKING TO THE PEOPLE.
TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER THERE,
JACK.
- JAKE.
- ONE CONVERSATION WITH HER
WILL TELL ME MORE
THAN A 50-PAGE REPORT
FROM SOME FANCY-SHMANCY
CONSULTING FIRM.
SAY, WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOU DO AGAIN?
- THESE CHEDDAR CHEESE BISCOTTI
ARE GREAT.
- WEARING BRAIDS WITH A HEADBAND
IS SO WRONG.
[phone rings]
- NO ONE ANSWER IT.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
UNAVAILABLE.
[electronic beep]
HI, I'M NOT HERE,
BUT IF YOU WANT
TO SCHEDULE A DATE,
PLEASE LEAVE
THE TIME AND DAY DESIRED
AND YOUR CAR'S MODEL,
YEAR, AND COLOR,
AND MAYBE
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.
BYE.
[electronic beep]
- HEY, QUINN, IT'S SCOTT.
WE WERE HOPING
TO SEE YOU AT RICKY'S,
BUT YOU'RE NOT HERE.
HOPE EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
- DID YOU REACH QUINN?
- IS SHE ALL RIGHT?
- WANT TO BUY
SOME BOYS 'R' GUYS TICKETS?
- WHY IS SCOTT CALLING YOU?
I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME.
- RICKY'S HAVING A PARTY?
[cries]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE DIDN'T INVITE ME.
I THOUGHT
HE THOUGHT I WAS CUTE.
- STACEY,
IT'S NOT REALLY A PARTY.
- THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN
WHY YOU STOLE SCOTT
AWAY FROM ME.
- BUT, SANDI, YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE SCOTT.
YOU SAID HIS FINGERS
WERE TOO PUDGY.
- [wails]
- YELLOW SANDALS
ARE SO WRONG.
- HONEY, TERRY BARRY BARLOW
WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
- THERE'S SO MUCH ABOUT THIS DAY
I CAN'T BELIEVE.
- SAY, DARLENE.
WOULD ALLIGATOR WRESTLING
GET YOU INTO A RESTAURANT?
- OF COURSE, IT WOULD.
- THAT DEPENDS.
IS THERE A RESTAURANT
NEXT DOOR WITH COCKFIGHTS?
- [laughs]
DARLENE, YOU'RE SHARP.
YOU REMIND ME OF ME.
- YEAH.
UH, ME TOO.
- YOU TWO LIKE BALLOONING?
- BALLOONING?
LIKE UP IN THE AIR?
- THESE CONFERENCES
ARE DULL AS DIRT.
LET'S SNEAK OFF TOMORROW MORNING
FOR A SPIN IN MY BALLOON.
WE CAN BE BACK IN TIME
FOR THE KEYNOTE ADDRESS.
- WAY UP IN THE AIR?
SOUNDS GREAT.
YEAH, THAT'LL BE FUN.
RIGHT, DARIA?
- MORE FUN THAN
A BARREL OF ALLIGATORS.
- DARIA?
OKAY,
MEET ME OUT FRONT AT 5:00 A.M.
- I THOUGHT
YOU WERE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
- OH, UH,
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
- WELL, MORGENDORFFER,
THE OTHER CADETS
ARE GOING TO TURN IN.
THEY'RE ALL TUCKERED OUT
FROM LAUGHING AT YOUR COWARDICE.
GUESS I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU
HERE FOR THE NIGHT.
BY THE WAY,
YOUR FATHER CALLED,
AND I TOLD HIM
ALL ABOUT IT.
HE SAYS DON'T BOTHER
COMING HOME FOR EASTER.
- HELP ME?
- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA ♪
- GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP,
KIDDO.
I'LL WAKE YOU AT 4:30.
- CAN'T.
I HAVE A DATE AT THE MUSEUM
OF MEDICAL ODDITIES TOMORROW
WITH A SALIVARY GLAND TUMOR,
REMEMBER?
- BUT, DARIA, THIS BALLOON RIDE
IS MY BIG BREAK.
ALLIGATOR ALLEY IS GOING TO NEED
LOTS OF MARKETING KNOW-HOW.
WE'RE A TEAM, RIGHT?
- VERY MUCH LIKE
AN OLYMPIC SKATING DUO
WITHOUT THE SEQUINS.
- AW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY SHOULD YOU
HELP ME OUT?
HERE WE'VE SPENT
A WHOLE DAY TOGETHER,
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED
TO FIND OUT, UM,
YOUR DREAMS AND FEARS.
- MY BIGGEST FEAR RIGHT NOW
IS THAT I'LL WAKE UP
AND THIS CONVERSATION
WON'T BE A DREAM.
DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE?
YOU KNOW, BOND?
- UM, I GUESS WE COULD.
- HA.
- HMM.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
YOU KNOW HOW WE ALWAYS
SIT IN THE KITCHEN TOGETHER
READING THE PAPER
AND NOT TALKING?
- IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION?
- MAYBE OUR
FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP
HAS REACHED THAT RARE LEVEL
WHERE WE NO LONGER
HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS
OF EMPTY CONVERSATION.
THAT'S BONDING.
- YEAH,
BUT YOUR MOTHER THINKS
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
- 6 1/2 "B."
- I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT!
- IT'S MY SHOE SIZE.
- OH.
10 "D."
- OKAY, NOW THAT WE KNOW
EACH OTHER'S DEEPEST SECRETS,
I SAY IT'S TIME
TO HIT THE SACK.
[sighs]
AND I'LL SEE YOU AT 4:30.
- GREAT!
- [grunts] STUPID!
[groaning]
NO MATTER WHAT I DO,
PILLOW HAIR.
- THIS PAPAYA JOJOBA
OVERNIGHT FACIAL MASK
IS REALLY ITCHY.
- I'M WARNING YOU GUYS,
I DON'T LOOK MY BEST
IN THE MORNING.
I HOPE
I DON'T SCARE YOU.
- OH, SANDI, I JUST HOPE
I DON'T SCARE YOU.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND ME
TAKING THE BED?
IF IT WEREN'T
FOR MY CONDITION...
- OH, YEAH,
YOUR CONDITION.
- OF COURSE NOT.
WELL, SWEET DREAMS,
EVERYONE.
- SWEET DREAMS.
- GOOD NIGHT.
[spooky music]
[scissors snicking]
[thunder crashes]
[scissors snicking]
[thunder crashes]
- SANDI!
- QUINN!
- DID YOU HAVE A BAD DREAM?
- A REAL NIGHTMARE.
- ME TOO.
- WHAT WAS YOURS ABOUT?
- UM,
SOMEONE HURTING PUPPIES.
- MINE WAS ABOUT ORPHANS
WHO NEEDED ANKLE BOOTS.
WELL, BACK TO SLEEP.
- NIGHT.
- WHAT'S YOUR FANCY,
JAKE?
PLAY TAG WITH THE TREETOPS
OR GO OUT OVER THE WATER
FOR A MILE OR TWO?
- OH, UH, WHATEVER
IS MORE BOLD AND EXCITING.
- I HEAR THEY HAVE
A BOLD AND EXCITING BRUNCH
BACK AT THE HOTEL.
- WHERE IS THE CREW?
IT IS TIME
FOR THE GET-GO.
- YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM,
ARNO.
MY NEW COMPADRES,
JAKE AND DARIA MOGENDAVID.
- THAT'S...
- DON'T BOTHER.
- YOU'D PUT OUR LIVES
IN THE HANDS
OF A TEENAGER
AND A CONFUSED MAN?
- HEY!
- ALSO, I DO NOT LIKE
THE LOOKS OF THOSE CUMULUS.
NO, NO FLIGHT TODAY.
- PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF NOW!
WHEN I SAY "FROG,"
I EXPECT YOU TO JUMP.
- I AM NOT A HOPPY THING.
I AM A WORLD-CLASS
BALLOONIST.
- WHO PAYS YOUR SALARY,
BLONDIE?
I MADE YOU,
AND I CAN BREAK YOU.
- OH, YES?
WELL, HOW WOULD CNN
MR. GEORGE BERNIE SHAW
LIKE TO KNOW
I AM THE ONE
WHO RIPPED THE BALLOON OPEN
WITH MY TEETH?
AND I MYSELF HAVE
THE DENTAL RECORDS TO PROVE SO.
[groaning]
- I FEEL TERRIBLE.
- I FEEL HORRIBLE.
- PILLOW HAIR.
- RASH.
[doorbell rings]
- SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,
MRS. MORGENDORFFER,
BUT WE WERE WORRIED
ABOUT QUINN.
- NO ONE'S SEEN HER
ALL WEEKEND.
DID SHE ELOPE OR SOMETHING?
- PLEASE SAY NO.
- YOU DON'T LOOK TIRED AT ALL,
QUINN.
IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T EVEN
WEAR MAKEUP TODAY.
[all scream]
- HI, QUINN.
- I SELL MY SOUL TO WET-NURSE
THE WHINY BILLIONAIRE,
AND SOMEONE ELSE
BALLOONS AROUND THE WORLD FIRST.
OH, DENMARK,
HOW I HAVE FAILED YOU.
- YOU COULD STILL BE THE FIRST
TO FLY AROUND THE WORLD TWICE.
- TEEN GIRL IS RIGHT.
I SHALL DO IT.
BEGINNING NOW,
I QUIT.
- NEXT TIME,
I GET A NORWEGIAN.
WELL, LET'S GET CRACKING.
JAKE, GET INTO THE GONDOLA
AND MAN THE BURNER.
- WHOOPS.
BROKE THE ZIPPER
ON MY SWEATSHIRT.
NO CAN DO.
- A LITTLE NERVOUS,
HUH, JAKE?
YOU KNOW HOW
I GOT WHERE I AM TODAY?
- I KNOW IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH BALLOON BITING.
- PURE GUTS.
I'VE BEEN FACE-TO-FACE
WITH BENGAL TIGERS,
HIMALAYAN SNOW SQUALLS,
STRANGE KIDS CALLING OUT,
"DADDY!"
DID I LET FEAR PARALYZE ME?
NO WAY.
- I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU,
YOU CLOUDS THAT ARE LOOKING
AN AWFUL LOT
LIKE DAD'S FACE RIGHT NOW!
LET'S BALLOON!
- COME ON, DARIA!
- GEE, I DON'T THINK SO.
WHILE I LOVE A GOOD AIR DISASTER
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON,
I WAS HOPING MY FATHER AND I
WOULD BOTH BE AROUND LONG ENOUGH
FOR HIM TO SQUANDER
MY INHERITANCE
ON TELEMARKETING SCAMS
AND DIGITALIS.
- KIDDO,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
- REFUSING
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH AN UNMANAGEABLE BAG
OF HOT AIR OR HIS BALLOON.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, SCREW THIS CRAP.
I'M GOING SAILING.
- OH, WELL, NO BALLOONING TODAY.
DARN IT.
[screams]
- UM, DAD?
- DON'T WORRY, DARIA.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL UP HERE.
I'M NOT AFRAID!
I FINALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS
TO CONQUER MY FEARS!
NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!
[laughs]
[rustling crash]
MOMMY?
- WATCH OUT
FOR THAT TREE.
- WHAT IF
THIS GIRL'S BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER
AS MUCH AS HE USED TO?
WHAT IF WHAT WAS ONCE
A HOT RELATIONSHIP
IS NOW SORT OF A DRAG?
LET'S SAY THEY'VE
BEEN GOING STEADY FOR...
I DON'T KNOW... 20 YEARS.
- SORRY THAT BALLOON RIDE
DIDN'T WORK OUT
THE WAY YOU WANTED.
- I'M FINE, DARIA.
DAMN IT.
I'M MORE THAN FINE.
THIS EXPERIENCE HAS GIVEN ME
A NEW JOLT OF CONFIDENCE.
OH, SURE, IT WAS PAINFUL
HAVING THAT BRANCH REMOVED,
BUT I'VE CONQUERED A FEAR
THAT'S BEEN WITH ME
EVER SINCE CHILDHOOD.
I'M NOT AFRAID
OF ANYTHING NOW.
I OWE YOU ONE, KIDDO.
- WELL,
WE STILL HAVE A FEW HOURS
BEFORE WE'RE DUE
AT THE AIRPORT.
- IS THAT A...
COULD THAT REALLY BE A...
EW.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪