Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 6 - I Loathe a Parade - full transcript
On an errand for her father, Daria runs into her school's annual parade where she encounters a lost child and strange feelings on a chance meeting with Jane's boyfriend.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
- CAN YOU TEACH AN OLD DOG
TO TURN TRICKS?
RUFF!
CANINE CALL GIRLS
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DARIA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW
TEENAGE SUPERSTARS MAGAZINE?
- I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I'VE PLASTERED MY WALLS
WITH ITS HOT, SEXY PINUPS.
- I'LL ASK MOM.
- DARIA, HAVE YOU SEEN
YOUR FATHER?
- DID YOU LOOK UNDER THE
TEENAGE SUPERSTARS MAGAZINE?
- I'LL ASK QUINN.
- NEED SOME MONEY
FOR NEW CLOTHES
FOR THE STANDARDIZED TEST,
BECAUSE I HATE FILLING IN
THOSE LITTLE CIRCLES
IN AN OLD OUTFIT.
- NOW, DID YOU SEE YOUR FATHER?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW HIM?
- HELLO?
ANYBODY?
PLEASE?
IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?
AM I THE ONLY ONE LEFT
IN THE HOUSE?
- IF I HELP YOU
WITH THE FIRST QUESTION,
WILL YOU TRY TO DO
THE SECOND ONE ON YOUR OWN?
- DARIA, THANK GOD!
YOUR MOTHER'S AT HER WORK THING,
AND QUINN'S AT HER SCHOOL THING,
AND...
I THOUGHT I'D BE STUCK
IN HERE FOREVER.
- OKAY, LISTEN CLOSELY.
THERE'S A KNOB ON THE DOOR.
TURN IT COUNTERCLOCKWISE.
- WE'RE ALL OUT
OF TOILET PAPER, KIDDO!
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
- OH.
WELL, I'LL GO GRAB SOME
FROM DOWNSTAIRS.
- THERE ISN'T ANY DOWNSTAIRS.
THAT'S WHY I RAN UP HERE.
DAMN HEART-SMART CHILI.
- I SEE.
WALKING AWAY NOW
WITH TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
- KIDDO, COULD YOU HURRY OVER
TO DRUGS 'N' STUFF
AND PICK UP A FEW ROLLS?
- I GET STUCK
ON THE "HURRY" PART.
- DAMN IT.
HOW IN HELL WOULD HELEN
HANDLE THIS?
"HOW IN HELL WOULD HELEN"...
HEY, I BET THAT'S ONE OF THOSE
BACKWARDS-AND-FORWARD THINGS!
[pause]
NO, I GUESS NOT.
- I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW.
AND SHE'D OFFER ME A BRIBE.
- YEAH!
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT BACK
IN 15 MINUTES,
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS.
- A DECENT BRIBE.
- 20!
- YOU'RE ON.
SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.
- HURRY, KIDDO!
THIS TEENAGE SUPERSTARS
MAGAZINE IS ONLY 64 PAGES.
- TEN MINUTES.
I'LL NEVER MAKE IT HOME IN TIME
TO GET THAT 20.
OF COURSE, I COULD ALWAYS
TURN BACK
ALL THE CLOCKS IN THE HOUSE,
BUT HOW WILL I GET
TO HIS WRISTWATCH?
I WONDER IF THEY SELL
CHLOROFORM HERE.
- NEXT.
CAN I HELP YOU, DEAR?
- NO, I JUST CAME TO ENJOY
YOUR REENACTMENT
OF THE FALL OF SAIGON.
- YOU MEAN THE CROWD?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
ON HOMECOMING NIGHT?
- HOMECOMING NIGHT?
- EVERYONE IN TOWN
IS LINING UP TO SEE THE PARADE.
[people cheering]
- NOW, REALLY LOOK
INSIDE YOUR WORK,
AND ASK, "IN FOCUSING
SO INTENTLY ON MY SUBJECT,
HAVE I NEGLECTED
MY NEGATIVE SPACE?"
DARIA.
HAVE YOU SEEN JANE?
- NOT LATELY.
- I WAS HOPING SHE MIGHT
HELP US PAINT WINDOWS.
WE NEED HER COLOR SENSE.
- CECE, I'M GOING
TO THROW PAINT ON YOU!
- NOW, GARY, DON'T YOU DARE!
[giggles]
- NO, PEOPLE.
TREASURE YOUR MEDIUM.
- MUST GET HOME.
MUST GET HOME.
[applause]
[band playing]
♪ ♪
[people yelling]
AH!
- YOU'LL PAY THROUGH THE NOSE
FOR THAT SHOT, MISSY...
UNLESS YOU CAN GIVE ME
A PLAUSIBLE REASON
FOR YOUR BEING HERE.
- I WAS HAVING
TOO MUCH FUN AT HOME,
SO I THOUGHT I'D GO OUT
AND GET KILLED
BY AN UNSTABLE PARADE FLOAT.
- YEP, THROUGH THE NOSE.
- I'D STAY AND TALK,
BUT I'VE GOT 20 BUCKS RIDING
ON MY QUICK ESCAPE.
JOIN ME?
- GOT A DATE
WITH A THOUGHTLESS DELINQUENT.
- YOU'RE MEETING TOM HERE?
- WHAT BETTER PLACE
THAN A HIGH SCHOOL HOMECOMING
TO CHRONICLE THE ANARCHIC
DEATH SPIRAL OF WESTERN SOCIETY?
- SO YOUR DATE CONSISTS
OF MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE.
- IF YOU MUST BE
ALL SIMPLISTIC ABOUT IT.
AND YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE...
- MY DAD SENT ME
ON AN EMERGENCY ERRAND,
AND I GOT STRANDED.
- I'M BETTING
HE'S STRANDED TOO.
OH, LOOK!
HOPE YOU HAVE TIME FOR A CHEER
BEFORE YOU GO.
- OKAY, GIRLS, LET'S PUMP UP
THE SPIRIT.
WHO'S THE TEAM
THAT'S NUMBER ONE?
LAWNDALE!
LAWNDALE!
WHO'S THE TEAM
THAT'S LOTS OF FUN?
LAWNDALE!
LAWNDALE!
GO...
FOOTBALL!
[cheers and applause]
HMM!
- KEVIN, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE
SO FRIENDLY UP HERE.
- RELAX, BABE.
YOU'RE THE FOOTBALL SWEETHEART,
AND I'M THE Q.B.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TOUCHING YOU
AND STUFF.
IT'S THE LAW.
- BUT BRITTANY'S MY FRIEND,
AND SHE'S RIGHT THERE.
- HEY, WE'RE ELECTED OFFICIALS.
IT'S LIKE MANIFOLD DESTINY.
- UM, KEVIN?
WE'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE
THROWING CANDY.
- COOL!
- OUCH!
OH, THAT REALLY HURT!
OH, MY GOD.
- CHECK IT OUT;
I'LL CATCH IT
IN MY MOUTH. OW!
- THAT'S IT.
WHEN THE CANDY REACHES
ESCAPE VELOCITY,
IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.
- WHERE THE HELL IS TOM?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
15 MINUTES AGO.
- I WOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER YOU.
JUST BECAUSE HE'S A FEW MINUTES
LATE DOESN'T MEAN
HE'S AN INCONSIDERATE JERK
WHO WILL ULTIMATELY
BRING YOU NOTHING BUT MISERY.
- I'M GLAD YOU'RE STARTING
TO WARM TO HIM.
- I NEED TO CROSS
THIS STREET NOW
IF I WANT TO MAKE IT HOME
BEFORE THE NEXT ICE AGE.
SEE YOU.
- GODSPEED,
INDIANA MORGENDORFFER.
- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
- SLOWLY INSANE, BUT I NEED
TO POP IN AT HOME FIRST.
- AS PRINCIPAL
OF LAWNDALE HIGH,
I CAN'T JUST PERMIT SPECTATORS
TO CROSS A PARADE ROUTE.
- RIGHT.
ISN'T THAT HOW
WORLD WAR I STARTED?
- IF YOU WERE TO GET IMPALED
ON A FLOAT
OR SEXUALLY HARASSED BY A CLOWN,
THINGS COULD GET UGLY.
- THINGS ALREADY HAVE,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO DEBATE THIS RIGHT NOW.
- CROWD CONTROL INADEQUATE.
NEXT YEAR,
CONSIDER ELECTRIC FENCES.
- I CAN STILL
MAKE IT BACK IN TIME.
ALL I NEED IS A CATAPULT
AND A GOOD TAILWIND.
- RAH, RAH, RAH!
WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
- UM, I THINK THE ROARING '20s
ARE BACK THAT WAY.
- LET'S DO
THE LAWNDALE SHUFFLE.
- HOW ABOUT THE "GET THE HELL
AWAY FROM ME" SLIDE?
[Stars and Stripes Forever]
- MY HEAD'S TOO BIG.
- THAT'S 'CAUSE
IT'S SO FULL OF DREAMS.
Thud!
- RAH, RAH, RAH.
PLEASE HELP ME UP.
- MS. LI'S GONE.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
- [child crying]
- TAD?
- DARIA?
OH, DARIA, I'M SCARED.
- [mewing]
- SO AM I.
WHERE ARE YOUR MOM AND DAD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I SAW A WINDMILL
IN THE TOY STORE WINDOW,
SO I WENT TO LOOK,
'CAUSE THEY'RE SUCH
A CLEAN SOURCE OF ENERGY,
AND WHEN I TURNED AROUND,
EVERYONE WAS GONE.
NOW I'M FRIGHTENED I'LL BE
STUCK IN THIS PARADE FOREVER.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
LET'S FIND YOU A COP.
- OH, NO.
MY DAD SAYS POLICE OFFICERS
TOO OFTEN UTILIZE
EXCESSIVE FORCE IN THEIR QUEST
FOR EFFICIENT PACIFICATION.
- AND I'M SURE YOUR FATHER
HAS HAD MORE THAN HIS SHARE
OF SCRAPES WITH JOHN LAW.
- WON'T YOU STAY WITH ME,
DARIA?
- [sighs] COME ON.
MUCH TO MY SURPRISE,
MY CONSCIENCE TELLS ME I SHOULD
HELP YOU FIND YOUR PARENTS.
- HOORAY!
WITH YOU ALONG, THIS'LL BE
AN EXCITING ADVENTURE,
LIKE THE TRAVELS OF BABAR.
- EASY ON THE ELEPHANT
COMPARISONS, KID.
[people cheering]
STUPID CONSCIENCE.
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART
OF THE PARADE, DARIA?
- THE THIGH.
NO, WAIT, THE DRUMSTICK.
- OH.
I LIKE THE CLOWNS.
- OF COURSE YOU DO.
KEEP LOOKING FOR YOUR PARENTS.
- I ALSO LIKE IT WHEN THEY
THROW CANDY FROM THE FLOATS.
- SINCE WHEN DO YOU EAT CANDY?
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS POISON.
- OH, IT IS,
BUT EVERY PIECE I CATCH
IS ONE CAVITY SOME OTHER
BOY OR GIRL WILL NEVER GET.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
SO REWARDING.
- TAD, WHEN YOU BRUSH
YOUR TEETH,
DO YOU EVER SCRUB
RIGHT THROUGH TO YOUR BRAIN?
- OH, LOOK!
DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE
THROWING CANDY FROM HIS CAR?
[horn plays music]
- NO, THAT CAR HAS THINGS
THROWN AT IT.
- DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?
THE DIVINE MS. MMM.
AND WHO, MAY I ASK,
IS YOUR YOUNG SUITOR?
- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE
MY NAME TO STRANGE PEOPLE.
- AND THEY DON'T COME
ANY STRANGER THAN THIS.
- SO QUICK TO DISMISS.
I LIKE THAT...
FOR A WHILE.
BUT YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR TUNE
WHEN YOU SEE WHAT I'VE DONE
WITH THE BACK SEAT.
DOES THE NOTION OF SATIN
UPHOLSTERY GET YOU EXCITED?
- SURE, IF IT'S LINING
YOUR COFFIN.
- [purrs] FEISTY!
I'LL BE PARKED AT THE END
OF THE PARADE ROUTE, GORGEOUS.
SO REMEMBER,
IF THE LOVE MACHINE'S ROCKING,
BY ALL MEANS, COME A-KNOCKING!
[horn playing]
- DARIA?
- OH. TOM.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
WITH JANE?
SHE WAS WAITING FOR YOU
IN FRONT OF DRUGS 'N' STUFF.
- OH.
SHE JUST SAID TO MEET
AT THE PHARMACY;
I THOUGHT
SHE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
I GUESS IT WAS JUST
A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.
- THAT'S WHAT POL POT SAID.
- HE DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL
2 MILLION PEOPLE;
HE ONLY WANTED TO SCARE THEM.
ANYWAY, WHO'S THIS?
- TAD.
FORMER BABY-SITTING JOB.
HE'S LOST, AND WE'RE LOOKING
FOR HIS PARENTS.
- HIYA, TAD.
I'M TOM.
MIND IF I TAG ALONG
WITH YOU GUYS?
- ACTUALLY,
WE'D BE BETTER OFF...
- WE'RE BOTH HEADED BACK
TOWARD DRUGS 'N' STUFF.
WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER.
- IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO WALK WITH US, FINE,
BUT I DON'T THINK
YOU'LL FIND JANE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS STREET
SO CROWDED BEFORE.
- IT IS A STUNNING ARRAY
OF POD PEOPLE.
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE I'M GLAD
I DON'T GO TO YOUR SCHOOL.
- UH-HUH.
AND I SUPPOSE YOUR IVY-CHOKED
PREP SCHOOL IS ANY BETTER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAS I JUST DEFENDING LAWNDALE?
- YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU WERE.
- WE NEVER HAD
THIS CONVERSATION.
- WHAT CONVERSATION?
- ALL THIS WAVING IS MAKING
MY ARM TIRED.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE
WE CAN DO?
- THERE WAS, UNTIL SOMEONE
HANDED OUT ALL OUR HEAD SHOTS
AT ONCE.
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
OH, I SHOULD HAVE
PACED MYSELF BETTER.
- WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING
THAT SHOWCASES
OUR, LIKE, CHARITY
AND STUFF.
- PERHAPS WE COULD SELECT
A LESS FORTUNATE GIRL
FROM THE AUDIENCE
AND GIVE HER A MAKEOVER.
- THAT IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA,
SANDI.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD HOP A FLOAT.
WE COULD SEE MORE PEOPLE
THAT WAY,
AND MORE PEOPLE
COULD SEE US.
- ONE: I DON'T HOP FLOATS.
TWO: I DON'T HOP.
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU GOTTA EMBRACE
THE NIGHTMARE.
DON'T YOU WANT TO WAVE
TO THE CROWD?
- LOOK, TOM, I KNOW
THAT YOU AND JANE
SEE THIS WHOLE THING
AS A BIG JOKE,
BUT THAT'S NOT ME.
[applause]
I STAND CORRECTED.
THIS WHOLE THING IS A BIG JOKE.
- UM, QUINN?
ISN'T THAT YOUR RELATIVE
OR WHATEVER WALKING TOWARD US?
- OH, NO.
OKAY, WE NEED TO SPEED UP NOW.
- OKAY, PULL HARDER.
OW, MY BACK!
- THIS IS PERFECT.
WE CAN MAKE HER OVER.
- WOW!
THE CROWD WILL BE AMAZED.
- WAIT, NOT THAT FLOAT.
- DARIA, COME ON!
DON'T LEAVE ME.
[crying]
DARIA!
- OKAY, WE LOOKED.
NOW, LET'S GET DOWN BEFORE...
- WE'LL NEED TO APPLY
SOME BASE.
BUT FIRST SOME PRE-BASE.
- DO YOU WANT TO USE
MY SCRUNCHIE?
PLEASE USE MY SCRUNCHIE.
- I'LL TAKE
THE "BEFORE" PICTURE.
- CALL THEM OFF,
OR I START HUGGING YOU.
- YOU WOULDN'T DARE!
- TRY ME.
- ISN'T IT GREAT
HOW THEY KEEP ELECTING US
HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN
EVERY YEAR?
- YES, IT'S SUCH A GENEROUS
AND ENLIGHTENED GESTURE.
IT COMPLETELY MAKES UP
FOR THE TOWN'S UTTER LACK
OF DIVERSITY, IN MY MIND.
- AND WE'RE PLAYING INTO IT.
- DAMN COLLEGE APPLICATIONS.
- THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.
- THIS IS SO HUMILIATING!
LET GO OF ME!
- NOT UNTIL SHE HOLSTERS
THAT HAIR SPRAY.
- UM, QUINN'S COUSIN
OR WHATEVER?
COULD YOU JUST LET US
PULL YOUR HAIR BACK?
IT WON'T, LIKE, HURT.
- THAT PRODUCT WAS TESTED
ON BUNNIES AND KITTIES.
- IT WAS?
- DUH.
THAT'S WHY WE USE IT...
SO THOSE CUTE ANIMALS
DIDN'T SUFFER IN VAIN.
- OH.
- YOU'RE A MEAN OLD WITCH.
- I AM NOT OLD.
- YOU'RE MEAN.
- I AM NOT OLD...
- QUINN, YOUR FRIEND
AND HER FRIENDS
AREN'T GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT.
- THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN
BE UP HERE.
- THERE'S A NEWS FLASH.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR TAD'S PARENTS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
- NO.
NOW, GET DOWN.
- COME ON, TAD.
ENOUGH OF THIS IVORY TOWER.
BACK TO THE STREETS.
- YOU DON'T RESPECT
OTHER SPECIES' RIGHTS.
- SHOVE IT, VEGGIE BOY.
- THAT GIRL JUST DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOOD FOR HER.
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- WAIT TILL I TELL MY PARENTS
I WAS ON A REAL LIVE FLOAT
AND I MET AN ANIMAL ABUSER.
- UH-OH.
THE ANIMALS ARE ABOUT TO EXACT
THEIR REVENGE.
- HERE WE GO, LAWNDALE!
HERE WE GO!
- DIDN'T I JUST LEAVE YOU
FOR DEAD A WHILE AGO?
BEAT IT.
- COME ON, LET'S HAVE A CHEER!
- SHE SAID BEAT IT, LEO.
- WOW.
THAT WAS THE MODERN EQUIVALENT
OF LAYING YOUR CAPE
OVER A PUDDLE OF WATER FOR ME.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW YOU
WELL ENOUGH
TO WEAR MY CAPE
AROUND YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE;
WAS THAT A SMILE I JUST SAW?
- A TWITCH.
MORE OF A TIC, REALLY.
- I KNEW YOU WERE HAVING FUN.
WHY HIDE IT?
YOU NEED TO LEARN
HOW TO LAUGH OUT LOUD
AT THE RIDICULOUS HORROR
OF ALL THIS.
LOOK, CHEERLEADERS!
- THE LIONS CAN'T BE BEAT!
THEY'RE LIGHTNING ON THEIR FEET!
THEY'RE THE BEST TEAM
ON OUR STREET
OR LOTS OF OTHER STREETS.
HE TOUCHED HER BUTT.
DID ANYONE ELSE SEE?
HE TOUCHED HER BUTT!
OKAY, MR. BUSY HANDS.
LET'S SEE HOW YOUR TEAM DOES
WITHOUT CHEERLEADERS
TO BACK YOU UP.
- UH-OH!
- THEY'RE COMING RIGHT FOR US!
TURN, TURN!
- IT'S NOT DESIGNED
TO TURN SO FAST.
[glass shatters]
- WOW.
- IT'S LIKE THE HINDENBURG.
- OH, THE LACK OF HUMANITY.
[people cheering]
- THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.
WHEN HOMECOMING PARADES
TURN HELLISH.
- NOW AREN'T YOU GLAD
YOU WERE HERE TO SEE THIS?
- WELL, I DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WANTED
TO SHARE THIS WITH JANE.
SORRY YOU NEVER HOOKED UP.
- IT'S OKAY.
BY NOW SHE'D BE SO BUSY
SNAPPING PICTURES,
SHE'D FORGET
I WAS EVEN HERE.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.
- YEAH, I KNOW HOW SHE IS.
- THANKS FOR GETTING LOST
IN THE MOMENT WITH ME.
- UM, YOU'RE WELCOME?
- HEH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF ALL THIS, TAD?
TAD?
TAD?
- OH, NO.
- HE COULDN'T HAVE GONE FAR.
- DID WE PASS ANY WINDMILLS?
- TAD?
TAD GUPTY?
- I WAS HOLDING HIS HAND LAST,
DARIA.
I'LL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD
START WAVING AGAIN.
- WHY PLAY
INTO THIS STUPID CHARADE
ANY MORE THAN WE HAVE TO?
- WE DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
HELL, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE
UP HERE.
- THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD POINT.
WHAT'S THE WORST
THEY COULD DO TO US?
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, WHAT THE HELL.
WE MAY BE TOKENS, BUT WE'RE
DAMN GOOD-LOOKING ONES.
- CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
HEY, IS THAT DARIA?
- WHAT'S SHE DOING
AT A HOMECOMING PARADE?
- TAD?
TAD?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
- HEY, IT COULD BE WORSE.
- LET'S SEE.
IN THE PAST HALF-HOUR,
I'VE LOST THE CHANCE
TO MAKE 20 BUCKS,
LOST MY DIGNITY ON A FLOAT,
AND, OH, YEAH,
I LOST A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
- WEREN'T YOU ALSO CARRYING
SOME TOILET PAPER BEFORE?
- YEAH.
OKAY, NOW I'M ANGRY.
- DARIA! TOM!
I FOUND MY PARENTS.
THEY WERE LOOKING FOR ME.
- OF COURSE WE WERE LOOKING
FOR YOU, HONEY.
WE WERE SO WORRIED.
DARIA, TAD TOLD US ALL
ABOUT HOW YOU STAYED WITH HIM.
- HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?
- I HEAR UNCUT DIAMONDS
ARE AS GOOD AS CASH
ON THE OPEN MARKET.
[laughter]
- YES, WELL, THANK YOU, DARIA.
THE NEXT TIME YOU BABY-SIT,
WE'LL BE SURE TO HAVE
SOME EXTRA CARROT STICKS
IN THE FRIDGE JUST FOR YOU.
- COME ON, HONEY.
DARIA HERE IS A HERO.
I SAY WE GET HER
SOME DRIED FRUIT.
- MY CUP RUNNETH OVER.
- MOM, DAD!
WE'RE MISSING THE PARADE.
- WELL, I GUESS WE'D BETTER
FIND A GOOD SPOT.
THANKS AGAIN, DARIA.
- UM, THIS IS WHERE
I SAW JANE BEFORE,
BUT SHE'S NOT HERE NOW.
- WE'VE DONE WHAT WE CAN.
I WOULDN'T STRESS ABOUT IT.
WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?
- HELP... ME!
- NOT YOU AGAIN.
- REMEMBER US?
WE'RE THE ONES WHO DON'T ENJOY
YOUR HILARIOUS ANTICS.
- CAN'T... BREATHE.
- WHAT'S HE SAYING?
- IT'S EITHER "CANNED BEEF"
OR "CAN'T BREATHE."
THE LATTER.
- HELLO? WHERE AM I?
OH.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S MR. O'NEILL.
- AND HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
AWAY WITH IT
IF IT WEREN'T
FOR US MEDDLING KIDS.
- OH, MY.
WHENEVER I CUT LOOSE,
I ALWAYS GO OVERBOARD.
OH.
- GET GOING!
- WE CAN'T.
- THE PARADE
STOPPED MOVING AGAIN.
- WE CAN'T JUST
STAY HERE FOREVER.
THE SAME PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
STARING AT US FOR TOO LONG.
- IT'S LIKE LOOKING
INTO THE SUN.
IT'S, LIKE, REALLY PRETTY,
BUT IF YOU DO IT FOR TOO LONG,
YOU GET WRINKLES.
- YEAH.
IT KIND OF HURTS TOO.
- MOVE!
MOVE, YOU BIG, UGLY VEHICLES!
- EW!
- THIS IS GROSS.
- UGH!
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
MAYBE THE ELECTRIC BLANKET
IS PUTTING UNDUE STRESS
ON THE BATTERY.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOUR EXCUSE IS, DON GUANO.
YOU NEED TO ROLL THIS CAR
OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
LET YOUR BLOOD BOIL.
- YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE PARADE.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE,
OR WE PUT ON THE CUFFS.
- [purrs] FEISTY.
OW!
AH!
- THEY'RE GONNA KILL HIM.
- LET'S NOT GET OUR HOPES UP.
[laughter]
- THANKS, DARIA.
IT'S FOR THE YEARBOOK.
I'M GETTING SOME REALLY GREAT
PICTURES OF COUPLES TONIGHT.
- NO, TED, WE'RE NOT A...
- I DON'T EVEN
GO TO THIS SCHOOL.
- WELL, IT'S ABOUT
STINKING TIME.
- WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER
FOR YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"BEEN LOOKING"?
- TOM AND I RAN
INTO EACH OTHER.
WE'VE BEEN UP AND DOWN
THE ENTIRE PARADE ROUTE.
- TOGETHER?
AND YET NO TORN CLOTHES?
NO BLOOD?
NO MISSING ORGANS?
- NO, WE GOT ALONG
PRETTY WELL.
RIGHT, DARIA?
- RIGHT, I GUESS.
- I SAID TO MEET
AT DRUGS 'N' STUFF.
WHERE WERE YOU, YOU BIG DOPE?
- NO, YOU SAID AT THE PHARMACY.
- HE WAS AT THE OTHER ONE,
WAITING FOR YOU.
THAT'S WHERE I MET HIM...
RAN INTO HIM.
- MM, I TRIED THERE TOO.
YOU GUYS MUST HAVE LEFT
BEFORE I GOT THERE, I GUESS.
- I GUESS.
- WELL, COME ON.
LET'S GET SOME PIZZA
AND COMPARE BATTLE SCARS.
COME ON, DARIA.
- OH, MY GOSH!
THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!
[laughs]
OOPS, SORRY.
- WE'RE HAVING A PAINT FIGHT.
WHOO!
- OH, NO, CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.
YOU LOOK GREAT, DARIA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
ARE YOU OKAY?
- I'M...
- HERE, TAKE MY JACKET.
WISH I'D WORN MY CAPE.
- HUH?
- NO, I'M FINE.
REALLY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
AN AMAZING TECHNICOLOR
DREAMCOAT.
- I'VE TRAINED HER WELL.
NEVER FEAR PAINT.
- COME ON, DARIA.
WE'LL STOP BY YOUR HOUSE,
AND YOU CAN SHOWER AND CHANGE
BEFORE WE HEAD OUT.
- NO, COME OUT LIKE THAT,
DARIA.
SHAKE UP YOUR IMAGE.
- YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU TWO
JUST GO ON AHEAD?
I THINK I'LL SKIP
THE PIZZA TONIGHT.
I NEED TO GO TALK TO PHARAOH
ABOUT HIS DREAMS.
- AW, COME ON.
- YEAH, COME ON, DARIA.
- I'M KIND OF BEAT.
- OKAY, SEE YOU AROUND.
- I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
- WELL, I NEVER WOULD HAVE
BELIEVED IT.
LOOK AT YOU, DARIA,
ALL DECKED OUT
IN THE LAWNDALE COLORS.
I KNEW IF YOU JUST GAVE
SCHOOL SPIRIT A CHANCE,
YOU'D LIKE IT.
GO, LAWNDALE!
RIGHT, DARIA?
SEE YOU IN CLASS.
- RAH.
- DARIA?
DARIA?
PLEASE COME HOME, DARIA.
COME ON; I'VE READ THIS ARTICLE
ABOUT THE OLSEN TWINS
FIVE TIMES.
I KNEW I SHOULD'VE MADE IT
30 BUCKS.
DAMN IT!
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- CAN YOU TEACH AN OLD DOG
TO TURN TRICKS?
RUFF!
CANINE CALL GIRLS
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DARIA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW
TEENAGE SUPERSTARS MAGAZINE?
- I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I'VE PLASTERED MY WALLS
WITH ITS HOT, SEXY PINUPS.
- I'LL ASK MOM.
- DARIA, HAVE YOU SEEN
YOUR FATHER?
- DID YOU LOOK UNDER THE
TEENAGE SUPERSTARS MAGAZINE?
- I'LL ASK QUINN.
- NEED SOME MONEY
FOR NEW CLOTHES
FOR THE STANDARDIZED TEST,
BECAUSE I HATE FILLING IN
THOSE LITTLE CIRCLES
IN AN OLD OUTFIT.
- NOW, DID YOU SEE YOUR FATHER?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW HIM?
- HELLO?
ANYBODY?
PLEASE?
IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?
AM I THE ONLY ONE LEFT
IN THE HOUSE?
- IF I HELP YOU
WITH THE FIRST QUESTION,
WILL YOU TRY TO DO
THE SECOND ONE ON YOUR OWN?
- DARIA, THANK GOD!
YOUR MOTHER'S AT HER WORK THING,
AND QUINN'S AT HER SCHOOL THING,
AND...
I THOUGHT I'D BE STUCK
IN HERE FOREVER.
- OKAY, LISTEN CLOSELY.
THERE'S A KNOB ON THE DOOR.
TURN IT COUNTERCLOCKWISE.
- WE'RE ALL OUT
OF TOILET PAPER, KIDDO!
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
- OH.
WELL, I'LL GO GRAB SOME
FROM DOWNSTAIRS.
- THERE ISN'T ANY DOWNSTAIRS.
THAT'S WHY I RAN UP HERE.
DAMN HEART-SMART CHILI.
- I SEE.
WALKING AWAY NOW
WITH TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
- KIDDO, COULD YOU HURRY OVER
TO DRUGS 'N' STUFF
AND PICK UP A FEW ROLLS?
- I GET STUCK
ON THE "HURRY" PART.
- DAMN IT.
HOW IN HELL WOULD HELEN
HANDLE THIS?
"HOW IN HELL WOULD HELEN"...
HEY, I BET THAT'S ONE OF THOSE
BACKWARDS-AND-FORWARD THINGS!
[pause]
NO, I GUESS NOT.
- I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW.
AND SHE'D OFFER ME A BRIBE.
- YEAH!
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT BACK
IN 15 MINUTES,
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS.
- A DECENT BRIBE.
- 20!
- YOU'RE ON.
SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.
- HURRY, KIDDO!
THIS TEENAGE SUPERSTARS
MAGAZINE IS ONLY 64 PAGES.
- TEN MINUTES.
I'LL NEVER MAKE IT HOME IN TIME
TO GET THAT 20.
OF COURSE, I COULD ALWAYS
TURN BACK
ALL THE CLOCKS IN THE HOUSE,
BUT HOW WILL I GET
TO HIS WRISTWATCH?
I WONDER IF THEY SELL
CHLOROFORM HERE.
- NEXT.
CAN I HELP YOU, DEAR?
- NO, I JUST CAME TO ENJOY
YOUR REENACTMENT
OF THE FALL OF SAIGON.
- YOU MEAN THE CROWD?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
ON HOMECOMING NIGHT?
- HOMECOMING NIGHT?
- EVERYONE IN TOWN
IS LINING UP TO SEE THE PARADE.
[people cheering]
- NOW, REALLY LOOK
INSIDE YOUR WORK,
AND ASK, "IN FOCUSING
SO INTENTLY ON MY SUBJECT,
HAVE I NEGLECTED
MY NEGATIVE SPACE?"
DARIA.
HAVE YOU SEEN JANE?
- NOT LATELY.
- I WAS HOPING SHE MIGHT
HELP US PAINT WINDOWS.
WE NEED HER COLOR SENSE.
- CECE, I'M GOING
TO THROW PAINT ON YOU!
- NOW, GARY, DON'T YOU DARE!
[giggles]
- NO, PEOPLE.
TREASURE YOUR MEDIUM.
- MUST GET HOME.
MUST GET HOME.
[applause]
[band playing]
♪ ♪
[people yelling]
AH!
- YOU'LL PAY THROUGH THE NOSE
FOR THAT SHOT, MISSY...
UNLESS YOU CAN GIVE ME
A PLAUSIBLE REASON
FOR YOUR BEING HERE.
- I WAS HAVING
TOO MUCH FUN AT HOME,
SO I THOUGHT I'D GO OUT
AND GET KILLED
BY AN UNSTABLE PARADE FLOAT.
- YEP, THROUGH THE NOSE.
- I'D STAY AND TALK,
BUT I'VE GOT 20 BUCKS RIDING
ON MY QUICK ESCAPE.
JOIN ME?
- GOT A DATE
WITH A THOUGHTLESS DELINQUENT.
- YOU'RE MEETING TOM HERE?
- WHAT BETTER PLACE
THAN A HIGH SCHOOL HOMECOMING
TO CHRONICLE THE ANARCHIC
DEATH SPIRAL OF WESTERN SOCIETY?
- SO YOUR DATE CONSISTS
OF MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE.
- IF YOU MUST BE
ALL SIMPLISTIC ABOUT IT.
AND YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE...
- MY DAD SENT ME
ON AN EMERGENCY ERRAND,
AND I GOT STRANDED.
- I'M BETTING
HE'S STRANDED TOO.
OH, LOOK!
HOPE YOU HAVE TIME FOR A CHEER
BEFORE YOU GO.
- OKAY, GIRLS, LET'S PUMP UP
THE SPIRIT.
WHO'S THE TEAM
THAT'S NUMBER ONE?
LAWNDALE!
LAWNDALE!
WHO'S THE TEAM
THAT'S LOTS OF FUN?
LAWNDALE!
LAWNDALE!
GO...
FOOTBALL!
[cheers and applause]
HMM!
- KEVIN, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE
SO FRIENDLY UP HERE.
- RELAX, BABE.
YOU'RE THE FOOTBALL SWEETHEART,
AND I'M THE Q.B.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TOUCHING YOU
AND STUFF.
IT'S THE LAW.
- BUT BRITTANY'S MY FRIEND,
AND SHE'S RIGHT THERE.
- HEY, WE'RE ELECTED OFFICIALS.
IT'S LIKE MANIFOLD DESTINY.
- UM, KEVIN?
WE'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE
THROWING CANDY.
- COOL!
- OUCH!
OH, THAT REALLY HURT!
OH, MY GOD.
- CHECK IT OUT;
I'LL CATCH IT
IN MY MOUTH. OW!
- THAT'S IT.
WHEN THE CANDY REACHES
ESCAPE VELOCITY,
IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.
- WHERE THE HELL IS TOM?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
15 MINUTES AGO.
- I WOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER YOU.
JUST BECAUSE HE'S A FEW MINUTES
LATE DOESN'T MEAN
HE'S AN INCONSIDERATE JERK
WHO WILL ULTIMATELY
BRING YOU NOTHING BUT MISERY.
- I'M GLAD YOU'RE STARTING
TO WARM TO HIM.
- I NEED TO CROSS
THIS STREET NOW
IF I WANT TO MAKE IT HOME
BEFORE THE NEXT ICE AGE.
SEE YOU.
- GODSPEED,
INDIANA MORGENDORFFER.
- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
- SLOWLY INSANE, BUT I NEED
TO POP IN AT HOME FIRST.
- AS PRINCIPAL
OF LAWNDALE HIGH,
I CAN'T JUST PERMIT SPECTATORS
TO CROSS A PARADE ROUTE.
- RIGHT.
ISN'T THAT HOW
WORLD WAR I STARTED?
- IF YOU WERE TO GET IMPALED
ON A FLOAT
OR SEXUALLY HARASSED BY A CLOWN,
THINGS COULD GET UGLY.
- THINGS ALREADY HAVE,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO DEBATE THIS RIGHT NOW.
- CROWD CONTROL INADEQUATE.
NEXT YEAR,
CONSIDER ELECTRIC FENCES.
- I CAN STILL
MAKE IT BACK IN TIME.
ALL I NEED IS A CATAPULT
AND A GOOD TAILWIND.
- RAH, RAH, RAH!
WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
- UM, I THINK THE ROARING '20s
ARE BACK THAT WAY.
- LET'S DO
THE LAWNDALE SHUFFLE.
- HOW ABOUT THE "GET THE HELL
AWAY FROM ME" SLIDE?
[Stars and Stripes Forever]
- MY HEAD'S TOO BIG.
- THAT'S 'CAUSE
IT'S SO FULL OF DREAMS.
Thud!
- RAH, RAH, RAH.
PLEASE HELP ME UP.
- MS. LI'S GONE.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
- [child crying]
- TAD?
- DARIA?
OH, DARIA, I'M SCARED.
- [mewing]
- SO AM I.
WHERE ARE YOUR MOM AND DAD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I SAW A WINDMILL
IN THE TOY STORE WINDOW,
SO I WENT TO LOOK,
'CAUSE THEY'RE SUCH
A CLEAN SOURCE OF ENERGY,
AND WHEN I TURNED AROUND,
EVERYONE WAS GONE.
NOW I'M FRIGHTENED I'LL BE
STUCK IN THIS PARADE FOREVER.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
LET'S FIND YOU A COP.
- OH, NO.
MY DAD SAYS POLICE OFFICERS
TOO OFTEN UTILIZE
EXCESSIVE FORCE IN THEIR QUEST
FOR EFFICIENT PACIFICATION.
- AND I'M SURE YOUR FATHER
HAS HAD MORE THAN HIS SHARE
OF SCRAPES WITH JOHN LAW.
- WON'T YOU STAY WITH ME,
DARIA?
- [sighs] COME ON.
MUCH TO MY SURPRISE,
MY CONSCIENCE TELLS ME I SHOULD
HELP YOU FIND YOUR PARENTS.
- HOORAY!
WITH YOU ALONG, THIS'LL BE
AN EXCITING ADVENTURE,
LIKE THE TRAVELS OF BABAR.
- EASY ON THE ELEPHANT
COMPARISONS, KID.
[people cheering]
STUPID CONSCIENCE.
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART
OF THE PARADE, DARIA?
- THE THIGH.
NO, WAIT, THE DRUMSTICK.
- OH.
I LIKE THE CLOWNS.
- OF COURSE YOU DO.
KEEP LOOKING FOR YOUR PARENTS.
- I ALSO LIKE IT WHEN THEY
THROW CANDY FROM THE FLOATS.
- SINCE WHEN DO YOU EAT CANDY?
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS POISON.
- OH, IT IS,
BUT EVERY PIECE I CATCH
IS ONE CAVITY SOME OTHER
BOY OR GIRL WILL NEVER GET.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
SO REWARDING.
- TAD, WHEN YOU BRUSH
YOUR TEETH,
DO YOU EVER SCRUB
RIGHT THROUGH TO YOUR BRAIN?
- OH, LOOK!
DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE
THROWING CANDY FROM HIS CAR?
[horn plays music]
- NO, THAT CAR HAS THINGS
THROWN AT IT.
- DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?
THE DIVINE MS. MMM.
AND WHO, MAY I ASK,
IS YOUR YOUNG SUITOR?
- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE
MY NAME TO STRANGE PEOPLE.
- AND THEY DON'T COME
ANY STRANGER THAN THIS.
- SO QUICK TO DISMISS.
I LIKE THAT...
FOR A WHILE.
BUT YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR TUNE
WHEN YOU SEE WHAT I'VE DONE
WITH THE BACK SEAT.
DOES THE NOTION OF SATIN
UPHOLSTERY GET YOU EXCITED?
- SURE, IF IT'S LINING
YOUR COFFIN.
- [purrs] FEISTY!
I'LL BE PARKED AT THE END
OF THE PARADE ROUTE, GORGEOUS.
SO REMEMBER,
IF THE LOVE MACHINE'S ROCKING,
BY ALL MEANS, COME A-KNOCKING!
[horn playing]
- DARIA?
- OH. TOM.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
WITH JANE?
SHE WAS WAITING FOR YOU
IN FRONT OF DRUGS 'N' STUFF.
- OH.
SHE JUST SAID TO MEET
AT THE PHARMACY;
I THOUGHT
SHE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
I GUESS IT WAS JUST
A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.
- THAT'S WHAT POL POT SAID.
- HE DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL
2 MILLION PEOPLE;
HE ONLY WANTED TO SCARE THEM.
ANYWAY, WHO'S THIS?
- TAD.
FORMER BABY-SITTING JOB.
HE'S LOST, AND WE'RE LOOKING
FOR HIS PARENTS.
- HIYA, TAD.
I'M TOM.
MIND IF I TAG ALONG
WITH YOU GUYS?
- ACTUALLY,
WE'D BE BETTER OFF...
- WE'RE BOTH HEADED BACK
TOWARD DRUGS 'N' STUFF.
WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER.
- IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO WALK WITH US, FINE,
BUT I DON'T THINK
YOU'LL FIND JANE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS STREET
SO CROWDED BEFORE.
- IT IS A STUNNING ARRAY
OF POD PEOPLE.
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE I'M GLAD
I DON'T GO TO YOUR SCHOOL.
- UH-HUH.
AND I SUPPOSE YOUR IVY-CHOKED
PREP SCHOOL IS ANY BETTER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAS I JUST DEFENDING LAWNDALE?
- YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU WERE.
- WE NEVER HAD
THIS CONVERSATION.
- WHAT CONVERSATION?
- ALL THIS WAVING IS MAKING
MY ARM TIRED.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE
WE CAN DO?
- THERE WAS, UNTIL SOMEONE
HANDED OUT ALL OUR HEAD SHOTS
AT ONCE.
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
OH, I SHOULD HAVE
PACED MYSELF BETTER.
- WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING
THAT SHOWCASES
OUR, LIKE, CHARITY
AND STUFF.
- PERHAPS WE COULD SELECT
A LESS FORTUNATE GIRL
FROM THE AUDIENCE
AND GIVE HER A MAKEOVER.
- THAT IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA,
SANDI.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD HOP A FLOAT.
WE COULD SEE MORE PEOPLE
THAT WAY,
AND MORE PEOPLE
COULD SEE US.
- ONE: I DON'T HOP FLOATS.
TWO: I DON'T HOP.
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU GOTTA EMBRACE
THE NIGHTMARE.
DON'T YOU WANT TO WAVE
TO THE CROWD?
- LOOK, TOM, I KNOW
THAT YOU AND JANE
SEE THIS WHOLE THING
AS A BIG JOKE,
BUT THAT'S NOT ME.
[applause]
I STAND CORRECTED.
THIS WHOLE THING IS A BIG JOKE.
- UM, QUINN?
ISN'T THAT YOUR RELATIVE
OR WHATEVER WALKING TOWARD US?
- OH, NO.
OKAY, WE NEED TO SPEED UP NOW.
- OKAY, PULL HARDER.
OW, MY BACK!
- THIS IS PERFECT.
WE CAN MAKE HER OVER.
- WOW!
THE CROWD WILL BE AMAZED.
- WAIT, NOT THAT FLOAT.
- DARIA, COME ON!
DON'T LEAVE ME.
[crying]
DARIA!
- OKAY, WE LOOKED.
NOW, LET'S GET DOWN BEFORE...
- WE'LL NEED TO APPLY
SOME BASE.
BUT FIRST SOME PRE-BASE.
- DO YOU WANT TO USE
MY SCRUNCHIE?
PLEASE USE MY SCRUNCHIE.
- I'LL TAKE
THE "BEFORE" PICTURE.
- CALL THEM OFF,
OR I START HUGGING YOU.
- YOU WOULDN'T DARE!
- TRY ME.
- ISN'T IT GREAT
HOW THEY KEEP ELECTING US
HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN
EVERY YEAR?
- YES, IT'S SUCH A GENEROUS
AND ENLIGHTENED GESTURE.
IT COMPLETELY MAKES UP
FOR THE TOWN'S UTTER LACK
OF DIVERSITY, IN MY MIND.
- AND WE'RE PLAYING INTO IT.
- DAMN COLLEGE APPLICATIONS.
- THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.
- THIS IS SO HUMILIATING!
LET GO OF ME!
- NOT UNTIL SHE HOLSTERS
THAT HAIR SPRAY.
- UM, QUINN'S COUSIN
OR WHATEVER?
COULD YOU JUST LET US
PULL YOUR HAIR BACK?
IT WON'T, LIKE, HURT.
- THAT PRODUCT WAS TESTED
ON BUNNIES AND KITTIES.
- IT WAS?
- DUH.
THAT'S WHY WE USE IT...
SO THOSE CUTE ANIMALS
DIDN'T SUFFER IN VAIN.
- OH.
- YOU'RE A MEAN OLD WITCH.
- I AM NOT OLD.
- YOU'RE MEAN.
- I AM NOT OLD...
- QUINN, YOUR FRIEND
AND HER FRIENDS
AREN'T GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT.
- THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN
BE UP HERE.
- THERE'S A NEWS FLASH.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR TAD'S PARENTS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
- NO.
NOW, GET DOWN.
- COME ON, TAD.
ENOUGH OF THIS IVORY TOWER.
BACK TO THE STREETS.
- YOU DON'T RESPECT
OTHER SPECIES' RIGHTS.
- SHOVE IT, VEGGIE BOY.
- THAT GIRL JUST DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOOD FOR HER.
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- WAIT TILL I TELL MY PARENTS
I WAS ON A REAL LIVE FLOAT
AND I MET AN ANIMAL ABUSER.
- UH-OH.
THE ANIMALS ARE ABOUT TO EXACT
THEIR REVENGE.
- HERE WE GO, LAWNDALE!
HERE WE GO!
- DIDN'T I JUST LEAVE YOU
FOR DEAD A WHILE AGO?
BEAT IT.
- COME ON, LET'S HAVE A CHEER!
- SHE SAID BEAT IT, LEO.
- WOW.
THAT WAS THE MODERN EQUIVALENT
OF LAYING YOUR CAPE
OVER A PUDDLE OF WATER FOR ME.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW YOU
WELL ENOUGH
TO WEAR MY CAPE
AROUND YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE;
WAS THAT A SMILE I JUST SAW?
- A TWITCH.
MORE OF A TIC, REALLY.
- I KNEW YOU WERE HAVING FUN.
WHY HIDE IT?
YOU NEED TO LEARN
HOW TO LAUGH OUT LOUD
AT THE RIDICULOUS HORROR
OF ALL THIS.
LOOK, CHEERLEADERS!
- THE LIONS CAN'T BE BEAT!
THEY'RE LIGHTNING ON THEIR FEET!
THEY'RE THE BEST TEAM
ON OUR STREET
OR LOTS OF OTHER STREETS.
HE TOUCHED HER BUTT.
DID ANYONE ELSE SEE?
HE TOUCHED HER BUTT!
OKAY, MR. BUSY HANDS.
LET'S SEE HOW YOUR TEAM DOES
WITHOUT CHEERLEADERS
TO BACK YOU UP.
- UH-OH!
- THEY'RE COMING RIGHT FOR US!
TURN, TURN!
- IT'S NOT DESIGNED
TO TURN SO FAST.
[glass shatters]
- WOW.
- IT'S LIKE THE HINDENBURG.
- OH, THE LACK OF HUMANITY.
[people cheering]
- THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.
WHEN HOMECOMING PARADES
TURN HELLISH.
- NOW AREN'T YOU GLAD
YOU WERE HERE TO SEE THIS?
- WELL, I DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WANTED
TO SHARE THIS WITH JANE.
SORRY YOU NEVER HOOKED UP.
- IT'S OKAY.
BY NOW SHE'D BE SO BUSY
SNAPPING PICTURES,
SHE'D FORGET
I WAS EVEN HERE.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.
- YEAH, I KNOW HOW SHE IS.
- THANKS FOR GETTING LOST
IN THE MOMENT WITH ME.
- UM, YOU'RE WELCOME?
- HEH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF ALL THIS, TAD?
TAD?
TAD?
- OH, NO.
- HE COULDN'T HAVE GONE FAR.
- DID WE PASS ANY WINDMILLS?
- TAD?
TAD GUPTY?
- I WAS HOLDING HIS HAND LAST,
DARIA.
I'LL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD
START WAVING AGAIN.
- WHY PLAY
INTO THIS STUPID CHARADE
ANY MORE THAN WE HAVE TO?
- WE DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
HELL, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE
UP HERE.
- THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD POINT.
WHAT'S THE WORST
THEY COULD DO TO US?
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, WHAT THE HELL.
WE MAY BE TOKENS, BUT WE'RE
DAMN GOOD-LOOKING ONES.
- CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
HEY, IS THAT DARIA?
- WHAT'S SHE DOING
AT A HOMECOMING PARADE?
- TAD?
TAD?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
- HEY, IT COULD BE WORSE.
- LET'S SEE.
IN THE PAST HALF-HOUR,
I'VE LOST THE CHANCE
TO MAKE 20 BUCKS,
LOST MY DIGNITY ON A FLOAT,
AND, OH, YEAH,
I LOST A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
- WEREN'T YOU ALSO CARRYING
SOME TOILET PAPER BEFORE?
- YEAH.
OKAY, NOW I'M ANGRY.
- DARIA! TOM!
I FOUND MY PARENTS.
THEY WERE LOOKING FOR ME.
- OF COURSE WE WERE LOOKING
FOR YOU, HONEY.
WE WERE SO WORRIED.
DARIA, TAD TOLD US ALL
ABOUT HOW YOU STAYED WITH HIM.
- HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?
- I HEAR UNCUT DIAMONDS
ARE AS GOOD AS CASH
ON THE OPEN MARKET.
[laughter]
- YES, WELL, THANK YOU, DARIA.
THE NEXT TIME YOU BABY-SIT,
WE'LL BE SURE TO HAVE
SOME EXTRA CARROT STICKS
IN THE FRIDGE JUST FOR YOU.
- COME ON, HONEY.
DARIA HERE IS A HERO.
I SAY WE GET HER
SOME DRIED FRUIT.
- MY CUP RUNNETH OVER.
- MOM, DAD!
WE'RE MISSING THE PARADE.
- WELL, I GUESS WE'D BETTER
FIND A GOOD SPOT.
THANKS AGAIN, DARIA.
- UM, THIS IS WHERE
I SAW JANE BEFORE,
BUT SHE'S NOT HERE NOW.
- WE'VE DONE WHAT WE CAN.
I WOULDN'T STRESS ABOUT IT.
WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?
- HELP... ME!
- NOT YOU AGAIN.
- REMEMBER US?
WE'RE THE ONES WHO DON'T ENJOY
YOUR HILARIOUS ANTICS.
- CAN'T... BREATHE.
- WHAT'S HE SAYING?
- IT'S EITHER "CANNED BEEF"
OR "CAN'T BREATHE."
THE LATTER.
- HELLO? WHERE AM I?
OH.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S MR. O'NEILL.
- AND HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
AWAY WITH IT
IF IT WEREN'T
FOR US MEDDLING KIDS.
- OH, MY.
WHENEVER I CUT LOOSE,
I ALWAYS GO OVERBOARD.
OH.
- GET GOING!
- WE CAN'T.
- THE PARADE
STOPPED MOVING AGAIN.
- WE CAN'T JUST
STAY HERE FOREVER.
THE SAME PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
STARING AT US FOR TOO LONG.
- IT'S LIKE LOOKING
INTO THE SUN.
IT'S, LIKE, REALLY PRETTY,
BUT IF YOU DO IT FOR TOO LONG,
YOU GET WRINKLES.
- YEAH.
IT KIND OF HURTS TOO.
- MOVE!
MOVE, YOU BIG, UGLY VEHICLES!
- EW!
- THIS IS GROSS.
- UGH!
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
MAYBE THE ELECTRIC BLANKET
IS PUTTING UNDUE STRESS
ON THE BATTERY.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOUR EXCUSE IS, DON GUANO.
YOU NEED TO ROLL THIS CAR
OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
LET YOUR BLOOD BOIL.
- YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE PARADE.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE,
OR WE PUT ON THE CUFFS.
- [purrs] FEISTY.
OW!
AH!
- THEY'RE GONNA KILL HIM.
- LET'S NOT GET OUR HOPES UP.
[laughter]
- THANKS, DARIA.
IT'S FOR THE YEARBOOK.
I'M GETTING SOME REALLY GREAT
PICTURES OF COUPLES TONIGHT.
- NO, TED, WE'RE NOT A...
- I DON'T EVEN
GO TO THIS SCHOOL.
- WELL, IT'S ABOUT
STINKING TIME.
- WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER
FOR YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"BEEN LOOKING"?
- TOM AND I RAN
INTO EACH OTHER.
WE'VE BEEN UP AND DOWN
THE ENTIRE PARADE ROUTE.
- TOGETHER?
AND YET NO TORN CLOTHES?
NO BLOOD?
NO MISSING ORGANS?
- NO, WE GOT ALONG
PRETTY WELL.
RIGHT, DARIA?
- RIGHT, I GUESS.
- I SAID TO MEET
AT DRUGS 'N' STUFF.
WHERE WERE YOU, YOU BIG DOPE?
- NO, YOU SAID AT THE PHARMACY.
- HE WAS AT THE OTHER ONE,
WAITING FOR YOU.
THAT'S WHERE I MET HIM...
RAN INTO HIM.
- MM, I TRIED THERE TOO.
YOU GUYS MUST HAVE LEFT
BEFORE I GOT THERE, I GUESS.
- I GUESS.
- WELL, COME ON.
LET'S GET SOME PIZZA
AND COMPARE BATTLE SCARS.
COME ON, DARIA.
- OH, MY GOSH!
THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!
[laughs]
OOPS, SORRY.
- WE'RE HAVING A PAINT FIGHT.
WHOO!
- OH, NO, CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.
YOU LOOK GREAT, DARIA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
ARE YOU OKAY?
- I'M...
- HERE, TAKE MY JACKET.
WISH I'D WORN MY CAPE.
- HUH?
- NO, I'M FINE.
REALLY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
AN AMAZING TECHNICOLOR
DREAMCOAT.
- I'VE TRAINED HER WELL.
NEVER FEAR PAINT.
- COME ON, DARIA.
WE'LL STOP BY YOUR HOUSE,
AND YOU CAN SHOWER AND CHANGE
BEFORE WE HEAD OUT.
- NO, COME OUT LIKE THAT,
DARIA.
SHAKE UP YOUR IMAGE.
- YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU TWO
JUST GO ON AHEAD?
I THINK I'LL SKIP
THE PIZZA TONIGHT.
I NEED TO GO TALK TO PHARAOH
ABOUT HIS DREAMS.
- AW, COME ON.
- YEAH, COME ON, DARIA.
- I'M KIND OF BEAT.
- OKAY, SEE YOU AROUND.
- I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
- WELL, I NEVER WOULD HAVE
BELIEVED IT.
LOOK AT YOU, DARIA,
ALL DECKED OUT
IN THE LAWNDALE COLORS.
I KNEW IF YOU JUST GAVE
SCHOOL SPIRIT A CHANCE,
YOU'D LIKE IT.
GO, LAWNDALE!
RIGHT, DARIA?
SEE YOU IN CLASS.
- RAH.
- DARIA?
DARIA?
PLEASE COME HOME, DARIA.
COME ON; I'VE READ THIS ARTICLE
ABOUT THE OLSEN TWINS
FIVE TIMES.
I KNEW I SHOULD'VE MADE IT
30 BUCKS.
DAMN IT!
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪