Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 9 - Mart of Darkness - full transcript

- ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

- OH.

OH, YEAH.

THE MAGIC IS HAPPENING NOW.

- WHAT MAGIC?

I'M NOT GONNA END UP
TURNED INTO A FROG, AM I?

- FEAR NOT,
O PRINCE OF THE SUBURBS,

- I HATE IT WHEN THERE'S
A FAMINE AND NOBODY TELLS ME.

- YOU KNOW MOM.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO CLUTTER UP
THE KITCHEN WITH FOOD.

NOW ALL IT NEEDS IS
A LITTLE COLOR, AND VOILA!

I'LL JUST MAKE THE DEADLINE
FOR THE ART FAIR.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
MY ART SUPPLIES, HAVE YOU?

I LEFT THEM HERE IN A BOWL.

- OOPS.

- DAMN IT!

- SO THEN BROOKE SHOWED UP AT
THE PARTY IN ACID-WASHED JEANS

AND TRIED TO PASS THEM OFF
AS RETRO.

I KNOW!

WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'LL HAVE ON
AT THE BARBECUE?

BANANA CLIPS?

[laughs]

OH, NO!

OH, MY GOD!
OH, NO!

ACCESSORY EMERGENCY, STACY.
I HAVE TO GO.

NO, STACY, IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT!

OKAY, FINE.
IT IS YOU.

BYE!

- A VISION OF CHRIST
IN A HALF-EATEN CANDY BAR?

TALK ABOUT MY SWEET LORD!

THE IMMACULATE CONFECTION
NEXT, ON SICK SAD WORLD.

[phone rings]

- I'M SORRY,
BUT QUINN'S IN KENYA ON SAFARI.

GOOD...
OH, HEY.

- YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT
NEW WAREHOUSE STORE WITH ME

TO PICK UP SOME ART SUPPLIES?

I HEAR THEY'VE GOT A
STATE-OF-THE-ART LINOLEUM FLOOR.

- THANKS, BUT I THINK
I'LL STAY HERE,

FLAT ON MY STATE-OF-THE-ART ASS.

- COME ON,
YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME.

THERE'S SAFETY IN TWOS.

- WHAT ABOUT TOM?

- ACTUALLY, WE GOT IN A FIGHT,
AND HE STORMED OUT.

TOOK THE KIDS, TOO,
THE BASTARD.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

- THEN WHAT'S THE FUN
OF GETTING TOGETHER?

- COME ON, I'LL BUY YOU
A SLICE AFTER.

- I GUESS I CAN PICK UP

THIS LYING-AROUND PROJECT
AGAIN TOMORROW.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T LOSE
MY MOMENTUM.

- SO YOU REACHED FOR YOUR BOOT,
AND THE LACE WAS GONE?

THE KID'S SICK, I TELL YOU.

WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY WANT
WITH A BOOTLACE?

- MAYBE SOMEONE WORE
PLAIDS WITH STRIPES,

AND THE FASHION CLUB'S PLANNING
A HANGING.

[pulsing dance music]

♪ ♪

- WHOA!

- HOW MANY SLICES
ARE YOU BUYING ME?

- LET'S JUST MAKE IT A PIE.

- DOUG THOMPSON SCORES AND
LIFTS HIS BUNS HIGH IN THE AIR.

[laughs]

HEY, FOLKS,

WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL
LAWNDALE HIGH FOOTBALL BARBECUE.

GRAB SOME FOOD,
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME,

AND FEEL FREE TO TOSS AROUND
THE OLD PIGSKIN,

AND IF SHE OBJECTS,
USE A FOOTBALL.

[laughs]

- I SEE WHERE KEVIN
GETS HIS CHARM.

- YEAH, MR. THOMPSON'S FUNNY.

- OH, SHUT UP.
- OKAY.

- HALT!

MR. DEMARTINO,
YOU KNOW VERY WELL

THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER ALLOWED
TO CONSUME FOOD

AT SCHOOL FUNCTIONS,

WHAT WITH YOUR ABYSMAL BEHAVIOR
AT LAST YEAR'S BAKE SALE,

LOADING UP YOUR TRUNK
WITH LEFTOVER BUNDT CAKE.

- MISS LI, I EXPLAINED TO YOU
AT THE TIME

THAT I WAS MERELY TRYING
TO STRETCH A FOOD BUDGET

DRAWN TIGHT.

- DRAWN TIGHT BY WHAT?

- BY HAVING TO MAKE ENDS MEET

ON A SHOE SHINE BOY'S SALARY.

NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY.

I NEED CHIPS AND DIP!

- RESTRAINING ORDER.

- NO!
ARGH!

- WAS THAT ANTHONY?

HE SOUNDED UPSET.

- OH, NO, HE WAS TELLING
A VERY CLEVER JOKE

THAT ENDS WITH A FELLOW
FALLING ONTO A SPIKE.

MOST AMUSING.
- HMM.

- THANK YOU FOR PICKING UP
THE FOOD, TIMOTHY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST GIVE ME
THE RECEIPT SO I CAN...

SO THE SCHOOL
CAN WRITE IT OFF...

- I MUST SAY, IT'S COMMENDABLE
OF THE THOMPSONS

TO PROVIDE US THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO BOND WITH OUR STUDENTS

IN A RELAXED SETTING.

STILL, I WONDER IF MR. THOMPSON

SHOULDN'T BE SETTING, WELL,
A SLIGHTLY BETTER EXAMPLE.

- NEVER MIND THAT.

I WANT YOU TO TALK TO HIM
ABOUT KEVIN'S GRADES.

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE
OUR QUARTERBACK SUSPENDED

FOR SOMETHING AS PETTY
AS ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE.

LOUSY, STINKING STATEWIDE
REQUIREMENTS.

- HEY, WHERE'S
THE BARBECUE SAUCE?

YOU CAN'T HAVE MEAT
WITHOUT BARBECUE SAUCE.

WHO'S THE IDIOT
WHO PICKED UP THE FOOD?

- SETTLE DOWN.
WE HAVE COMPANY.

I'M SURE KEVIN WILL BE HAPPY
TO GO GET SOME.

BESIDES, HE COULD USE
A CHANGE OF SCENERY.

- ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

MY KEVIE GAVE IT TO ME
TO SHOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

- OH, BABE.

YOU'RE, LIKE, WORTH IT.

- KEVIN, YOUR FATHER NEEDS YOU
TO RUN TO THE STORE

FOR SOME BARBECUE SAUCE.

- I'LL GO WITH YOU.

- OH, BRITTANY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO LEAVE THE PARTY.

KEVIN IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE

OF BRINGING BACK THE SAUCE
ON HIS OWN.

- BUT REALLY, MRS. THOMPSON,
I DON'T MIND.

- BRITTANY, READ MY LIPS...

- GAH!

- DAMN.

- IT WAS "DAMN," RIGHT?

I JUST LOVE
LAUNDRY DETERGENT BOXES.

THEY'RE SO HAPPY.

- WOW, THESE MUST BE
FOR REALLY BIG MACHINES.

- ANYWAY, WHAT WERE
WE SUPPOSED TO GET?

- UM, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE GONNA REMEMBER.

- ME?

YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU.

- DON'T SWEAT IT, BABE.

WHATEVER IT WAS,
WE'LL REMEMBER WHEN WE SEE IT.

OUR MEMORIES WILL GO JOGGING.

- OKAY.

- WOW.

I COULD NEVER GET TOM
INTO A STORE LIKE THIS.

- AND SOMEDAY
HE'LL TELL ME HIS SECRET.

- SHOPPERS, IT'S 12:00 NOON,

AND THAT MEANS
THE SAMPLE STATIONS ARE OPEN.

- ONE PER CUSTOMER.

I SAID, "ONE FREE SAMPLE
PER CUSTOMER."

- GREAT, A FEEDING FRENZY
AND ME WITHOUT ANY CHUM.

- THIS COULD GET UGLY.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL GO BACK TO AISLE 30
AND GET SOME LOUNGE CHAIRS.

- NO TIME.

I'VE GOT TO GO HOME
AND FINISH MY STATUE,

OR I'LL MISS THE DEADLINE
FOR THE ART FAIR.

- OKAY, THEN.

WHERE DO YOU THINK
THEY HIDE THE BOOTLACES?

- HM.

PROBABLY ABOUT 60 AISLES
AWAY FROM THE ART SUPPLIES.

HEY, THERE'S A SALESPERSON.

LET'S ASK.

EXCUSE ME.

MISS?

- IT'S GOOD TO KNOW THAT
WHAT THEY SAVE ON AIR VENTS

THEY SPEND
ON CUSTOMER RELATIONS.

- YOU DON'T DO WELL

IN OVERHEATED, OVERCROWDED
GRIMY WAREHOUSE STORES, DO YOU?

- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

[doorbell rings]

- HEY, TOM.
- HI, TRENT.

IS JANE AROUND?

- YOU JUST MISSED HER.

SHE AND DARIA WENT TO PAYDAY.

- WHAT DAY?

- YOU KNOW, THAT WAREHOUSE STORE
THAT JUST OPENED.

HEY, THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD
FIGHT YOU HAD LAST NIGHT.

- YEAH, SORRY WE WOKE YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE STORE IS?

I FIGURE WE SHOULD TALK.

- UGH.

- ACTUALLY, I COULD TAKE
YOU OVER THERE.

I NEED TO GET A NEW HEADLIGHT.

- YOU THINK THEY HAVE
SCENTED CANDLES?

I'M ALL OUT.

HAVEN'T HAD A BATH IN A WEEK.

- YOU'RE RIDING IN BACK.

- THIS YARD IS QUITE UNKEMPT.

- I KNOW.

THEY SHOULD REALLY GET
A LAWN MAKEOVER.

- AND WHO ARE
ALL THOSE OLD PEOPLE?

- THEY MUST BE MR. AND MRS.
THOMPSON'S FRIENDS.

EW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT TEACHERS
WERE GONNA BE HERE.

- MISS LI'S LEGS ARE BARE!

- UM, MR. THOMPSON...

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

CALL ME DOUG.

- OKAY, DOUG.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT KEVIN.

- HE'S A GREAT KID,
ISN'T HE?

HEY, DID YOU GUYS
SEE THE GAME ON SUNDAY?

DID THE COWBOYS KICK ASS?

- YEAH, KICKED ASS.
- IT WAS AWESOME, MAN.

- OF COURSE, WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR...

BOY, THEY REALLY KICKED,
UM, BUTT.

- YEAH, MAN, THEY KICKED BUTT.
- TOTALLY, MAN.

- GREAT, THIS STUPID BOOT
IS GIVING ME A BLISTER.

- CHEER UP.

A LITTLE INDIGESTION, AND YOU'LL
FORGET ALL ABOUT YOUR FOOT.

- HAVE A LINCOLN
CHEESE FLAVOR LOG,

MADE FROM THE FINEST
INGREDIENTS.

- FOOD SUBSTITUTE?

- CALL ME A PURIST, BUT I DON'T
THINK CHEESE SHOULD CRUNCH.

- DOESN'T THE PHRASE "BEECHWOOD
AGED" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,

BUT DO THESE FINEST INGREDIENTS
INCLUDE MERCURY?

- DO YOU WANT THEM
TO INCLUDE MERCURY?

- UGH.

HEY, THERE SHE IS!

YO, WAIT UP!

- EXCUSE ME, GIRLS, BUT COULD
YOU GET A BOX OF CHOCOLATE BARS

OFF THE TOP OF THE STACK FOR ME?

I DON'T WANT TO TOPPLE THEM.

- ACTUALLY, WE'RE KIND OF
IN A RUSH.

- SEE, MY DOCTOR TOLD ME
NOT TO EXERT MYSELF SUDDENLY.

I HAD THIS SEIZURE
A WHILE BACK.

- UM, SURE.

- OH, CHEESE LOGS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- THAT SEEMED PRETTY SUDDEN.

- HOLD OUT, ANTHONY.

IT'S ALMOST NOON.

YOU CAN DO IT.

- MR. D!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
AT THE BARBECUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M SORRY IF MY SHOPPING CART
HAS CONFUSED YOU, KEVIN.

I'M HERE FOR THE COMMAND
PERFORMANCE OF MADAME BUTTERFLY

IN THE AUTOMOTIVE DEPARTMENT.

- WOW, KEVIE, THIS STORE REALLY
DOES HAVE EVERYTHING.

- NO KIDDING, BABE.

HAVE FUN AT THE BUTTERFLY SHOW.

- THANK YOU, KID.

[sniffing]

CHEESE LOGS!

BUT... ARGH!

DAMN CHEAP WATCH!

- LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE
ACTUALLY SHOP HERE.

- KIND OF COOL, HUH?

- WHAT WOULD ANYONE DO
WITH THAT MUCH KETCHUP?

- UM, PUT IT ON HAMBURGERS?

- GEE, QUINN, HOW ARE ALL OF US
GONNA USE THAT SUNSCREEN

IF YOU CAN BARELY GET ANY OUT?

- HOW ARE ALL... OH, NO.

- QUINN, I HOPE YOU
HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN

THAT IT WAS YOUR ASSIGNMENT
TO BRING THE SUNSCREEN

FOR THE ENTIRE FASHION CLUB,

UNLESS YOU WANT US
TO GET WRINKLES.

- OH, SANDI, I HOPE
YOU DON'T THINK THAT.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID
YOUR CREAMY COMPLEXION

IS ONE OF YOUR
MOST ATTRACTIVE FEATURES.

UM, SHOULD I GO TO THE STORE
AND GET SOME MORE?

- IF YOU DON'T MIND.

- OH, NO.
I'D BE HAPPY TO.

- AND SINCE YOU'RE GOING ANYWAY,
I'M OUT OF MOISTURIZER.

- AND I'M OUT OF CRAN-RASPBERRY
LIP GLOSS.

- ME TOO.
- FINE.

I'LL GO TO THAT NEW PLACE.

THEY PROBABLY HAVE EVERYTHING.

- HI, GIRLS.

- OH, QUINN, WAIT UP.

- IS THIS MOZZARELLA?

- IS THAT YOUR FAVORITE KIND
OF CHEESE?

- YEAH.

- THEN IT'S MOZZARELLA.
- COME ON.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND JANE
IF WE KEEP STANDING AROUND.

- HEY, MAN.

- IT'S MOZZARELLA.

- KEVIE, MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL
YOUR DAD AND ASK HIM...

EEP!

THAT'S... THAT'S MY LOCKET,

THE ONE YOU SAID YOU BOUGHT
AT CASHMAN'S.

$4.99?

IS THAT ALL I'M WORTH TO YOU?

- THEY MADE A MISTAKE.

WHO PUT THAT DOT THERE?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY,
UM, A WHOLE LOT MORE.

BUT, BABE, SEE, THAT LOCKET
WAS ONLY TEMPORARY

TILL I COULD SAVE UP
ENOUGH MONEY

TO BUY YOU A REALLY,
REALLY EXPENSIVE ONE.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM,
STUPID?

- WAIT, ARE YOU ASKING
IF I THINK YOU'RE STUPID,

OR ARE YOU JUST CALLING ME
STUPID?

- OOH!

- BABE!

- MR... DOUG, ABOUT KEVIN...

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?

I SENT HIM OFF AN HOUR AGO.

- I'M SURE BRITTANY'S
HOLDING HIM UP.

DOUG, THAT GIRL'S GONNA GET
IN A FAMILY WAY,

AND KEVIN'LL HAVE TO GET A JOB
AND NEVER GO TO COLLEGE.

- WHOA, HOLD ON THERE,
MAMA BEAR.

I'M SURE KEVIN'LL
BE MORE CAREFUL THAN WE WERE.

[laughs]

[clears throat]
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, TIMBO?

YOU KNOW BRITTANY.

YOU THINK SHE'S THE OPPORTUNITY,
GETS-KNOCKED-UP TYPE?

- ACTUALLY, I WAS MORE CONCERNED
ABOUT KEVIN.

- GREAT KID, ISN'T HE?

- MAY I INQUIRE
AS TO WHAT IS IN THESE?

- WHY, THE VERY BEST
CHEESE ALTERNATIVE,

DEEP-FRIED IN NATURE'S
OWN COOKING OIL.

AT 1,000 CALORIES APIECE,
THEY'RE A MEAL IN THEMSELVES.

UH, SIR, PLEASE SAVE SOME
FOR THE REST OF THE STORE.

- I'M SORRY.

I MUST HAVE MISSED THE SIGN
THAT SAYS "ONE PER CUSTOMER."

DELICIOUS!

- EXCUSE ME,
ARE THESE FREE SAMPLES?

- YES.
- NO!

- THIS PLACE IS SO WRONG.

- QUINN MORGENDORFFER,
IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?

- SANDI, NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN
TO THIS STORE BEFORE.

OTHERWISE I'D NEVER SUGGEST
WE COME HERE.

- I SEE.

AS PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB,

I'M CALLING AN EMERGENCY MEETING
RIGHT NOW.

- BUT, SANDI, I SWEAR
THIS SHIRT IS 100% COTTON.

IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A BLEND.

- STACY, IF YOU'RE FINISHED
WITH YOUR UNSOLICITED OUTBURST

ON FIBER CONTENT,

I'D LIKE TO CALL YOUR ATTENTION
TO THE FACT

THAT WE ARE SURROUNDED
BY MOVING FASHION VIOLATIONS.

- SO WE SHOULD TRY
TO HELP THESE PEOPLE?

- DON'T BE SILLY.

SOME PEOPLE ARE BEYOND HELP.

- RIGHT.

- NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY.

WE ARE TO PROCEED DIRECTLY
TO THE HEALTH AND BEAUTY AISLE,

PICK UP OUR SUPPLIES, AND GO
STRAIGHT TO THE CASH REGISTER,

UNLESS STACY WANTS TO TELL US
WHAT HER SHOES MADE OF.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, FOLLOW ME.

- AW, CRAP.

WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE
IN TIME.

HEY, THE SALESGIRL.

WOW, HERE'S WHAT
I WAS LOOKING FOR.

- GUMMY BEARS?

I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED
ART SUPPLIES.

- THESE ARE ART SUPPLIES.

WHEN YOU PUT THESE BABIES
IN THE MICROWAVE,

THEY MELT INTO AN INCREDIBLE
STAINED GLASS-LIKE MOSAIC.

THE GOOP ALSO WORKS
AS A KILLER ADHESIVE.

- GEE, DOES IT REMOVE
PET STAINS TOO?

- SCOFF ALL YOU WANT, BUT I'VE
BEEN SORTING THEM BY COLORS,

GATHERING UP COMPATIBLE
MATERIALS FOR WEEKS,

AND I WAS FINALLY ALL SET

TO MAKE THIS INCREDIBLE
WORK OF ART WHEN...

- WHEN WHAT?

- WHEN TOM ATE MY GUMMY BEARS.

- ♪ LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

- SO TOM ATE YOUR GUMMY BEARS

EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW
YOU NEEDED THEM FOR YOUR STATUE?

THAT WAS PRETTY INCONSIDERATE.

- WELL,
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

I MAY NOT HAVE ACTUALLY TOLD HIM
THEY WERE FOR MY STATUE,

BUT HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

- DEFINITELY,

ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY
WERE PROBABLY RIGHT THERE,

NEXT TO YOUR PAINTS,
UNLESS HE EATS PAINT TOO.

- UM, THE GUMMY BEARS WERE IN
A BOWL ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER,

BUT THEY WERE IN PLAIN VIEW
OF MY STATUE.

I DON'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON,
DO I?

- I'D RATHER NOT ANSWER THAT,
STUMPY.

- AW, HELL.

- LOOK, TOM'S REASONABLE ENOUGH.

MAYBE IF YOU JUST TALKED IT OUT.

- MM, SOUNDS SORT OF DRASTIC.

- THEN HOW ABOUT THIS:

SERVE HIM SOME FROZEN LASAGNA

AND TELL HIM YOU'RE SORRY YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND MUCH LATELY,

BUT AS SOON AS YOU GET
SOME TIME OFF,

YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING
FUN TOGETHER

AND REALLY CATCH UP
ON EACH OTHER'S LIVES?

- YOU KNOW, HELEN
OUGHT TO WRITE A BOOK.

QUICK,
BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARS AGAIN!

- THESE CONTAINERS ARE SO...
UGH... PLAIN

AND LOOK, THE NAMES
AREN'T EVEN FRENCH.

- REALLY?

WHERE ARE THE SMALL,
PLEASANTLY SHAPED BOTTLES?

- THESE GALLON SIZES
ARE GONNA STRETCH OUR PURSES.

- BUT, GUYS, THIS WHOLE THING
IS ONLY $5.99.

- $5.99?

LIKE, I WOULD COMPROMISE MY SKIN
WITH CHEAP MOISTURIZER?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

- HELLO.

COMPLIMENTARY CHEESE LOG?

- CHEESE?

- WELL, I SUPPOSE
IF THEY'RE LOW-CALORIE.

- EXCUSE ME, MISS.

HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THESE?

- NONE, NONE AT ALL.

- WELL, HERE ARE THE GUMMY BEARS
BUT NO SIGN OF JANE.

- WHOA, LOOK AT ALL
THOSE GUMMY BRICKS.

WE SHOULD STOCK UP
FOR OUR NEXT ROAD TRIP.

- I WONDER WHICH ONES
HAVE THE LONGEST VAN LIFE.

- I'M STARVING.

- I CAN'T KEEP STOKING
THESE COALS FOREVER.

DAMN IT,
WHERE'S THAT KID OF MINE?

- ACTUALLY, WE COULD USE THIS
LITTLE WAIT CONSTRUCTIVELY

BY HAVING A TALK REGARDING
KEVIN'S ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE.

- HEY, I WANTED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THAT TOO.

HAVE A BREWSKI.

- AH!
[laughs nervously]

- BACK OFF.
IT'S MINE!

- EXCUSE ME, MADAM, BUT
POSSESSION IS 9/10 OF THE LAW.

- OH, THAT'S IT.

I'M DOWN TO ONE LOG.

I GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY
TO THE BACK FOR MORE.

I'M BANISHING YOU BOTH
FROM THIS TABLE RIGHT NOW.

GO TO THE TIRE SECTION AND FIND
SOME NICE RUBBER TO GNAW ON.

- YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!

- I'M A TEACHER!

TRY TO COLLECT!

[laughs]

- COME ON, BABE,
LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

I'LL GET YOU
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

- ANYTHING?

- UM, SURE.

- KEVIN, BRITTANY,
I WANT TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

THEY'RE, UM,
ONLY SERVING PEOPLE

WHOSE NAMES START WITH LETTERS

IN THE FIRST PART OF THE
ALPHABET, LIKE "K" AND "B."

- BUT ISN'T "D"
IN THE FIRST PART?

- AN ASTUTE OBSERVATION,
BRITTANY,

BUT "M," AS IN "MR. DEMARTINO,"
IS NOT.

- YEAH, BABE.

- I NEED TO TASTE
THE CHEESE LOGS

FOR A BIG, UM,
STUDENT APPRECIATION PARTY

I'M PLANNING IN CLASS.

WOULD YOU MIND GETTING ME
ONE OR TEN SAMPLES?

- SURE.

- ONE OF THOSE SQUARE HEADLIGHTS
MIGHT LOOK KIND OF COOL.

- HM, MIGHT NOT FIT MY CAR.

- MIGHT NOT?

TRENT, WHAT'S THE YEAR AND MODEL
NUMBER OF YOUR HEADLIGHT?

- HM, I BET THAT'S IMPORTANT.

- HERE YOU GO, MR. D.

- THANK YOU, BRITTANY.

YUM!

- YOU, OUT!

- HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

THUG!

JACKBOOT!

BY THE WAY, MIND TELLING ME
HOW MUCH YOU MAKE?

- CAUGHT YOU!

- ANDREA?

- WELL, YOU FOUND ME.

NOW YOU CAN MAKE FUN
OF THE PATHETIC GOTH CHICK

WHOSE PARENTS MAKE HER WORK
AT A CRAPPY JOB

IN A STUPID WAREHOUSE STORE.

GO ON, CUT ME UP
LIKE YOU DO EVERYONE ELSE.

- I JUST WANT A SHOELACE.

- BESIDES, I DON'T THINK
WE COULD CUT YOU UP

ANY BETTER THAN YOU JUST DID.

- OH, SHOELACES.

AISLE 197B.

- THANKS.

UM, WE NEVER SAW YOU.

- WE NEVER SAW EACH OTHER.

- LOOK, A CASE OF
RAS-CRANBERRY LIP GLOSS.

- UM, BABE, MAYBE WE ALREADY GOT
ENOUGH STUFF.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

I PROBABLY DON'T NEED
FLAVORED LIP GLOSS,

SEEING AS HOW I WON'T BE
KISSING ANYONE ANY TIME SOON.

- WELL, DOUG, I MUST SAY
I'M SHOCKED... PLEASED...

THAT YOU'RE AS CONCERNED ABOUT
KEVIN'S ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE

AS I AM.

- DAMN STRAIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO DO?

CUT BACK ON THINGS
THAT DISTRACT MY SON

FROM WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT...

- I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
- FOOTBALL!

NOW, THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOME ARRANGEMENT YOU CAN MAKE

SO KEVIN CAN STOP WORRYING
ABOUT HIS GRADES

AND CONCENTRATE ON BRINGING HOME
THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP.

- I... I'M NOT SURE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

- AW, HELL, I'M SAYING
JUST PASS THE BOY.

- OH, DEAR!

- REMIND ME TO PAY FOR THESE.

HEY, NOTHING SAYS I'M SORRY
LIKE AN HERB GROW ROADKILL.

- HM.

I HOPE TOM
DOESN'T ALREADY HAVE ONE.

HEY, IF WE LEAVE NOW, I MIGHT
MAKE THAT DEADLINE AFTER ALL.

- I'M SURE WE'LL BE OUT
IN TWO HOURS,

THREE, TOPS.

- THOSE BOYSEN-CRAN-STRAW
CANDLES STINK, MAN.

- YEAH, CHICKS LIKE 'EM,
THOUGH.

- UGH, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
- EW.

- GEE, STACY, DO YOU THINK
YOU GOT ENOUGH COTTON BALLS?

- BUT I'M COMPLETELY OUT,

AND THIS WAS THE SMALLEST BAG
THEY HAD.

- I JUST HOPE PEOPLE
DON'T SEE THAT

AND THINK YOU HAVE
A HUGE SKIN OIL PROBLEM.

- OH, NO!

- KEVIE, YOU REALLY DO CARE!

- OF COURSE I DO, BABE.

UM, BABE, I FEEL LIKE
WE FORGOT SOMETHING.

- LIP GLOSS, PERFUME, FLOWERS...

I DON'T THINK SO.

- COOL!

- FINALLY: THE LIGHT
AT THE END OF THE ROACH MOTEL.

- HOT GREASE!

ARGH!

- HEY!

Clang!

[sparking sizzle]

[groaning]

[angry murmuring]

- OF COURSE.

- PERHAPS IF I WORKED
WITH KEVIN AFTER SCHOOL...

- LOOK, EITHER PASS THE BOY
OR GET OFF MY PROPERTY!

- LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU
TESTOSTERONE-CRAZED NEANDERTHAL.

- YOU GONNA LET A WOMAN FIGHT
YOUR BATTLES FOR YOU?

YOU WUSS.

- NOW, DOUG...
- HI-YA!

[woman screaming]

- PAYDAY IS
CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING

A TEMPORARY POWER OUTAGE.

SALES OF BUTANE, PROPANE,
METHANE, GASOLINE,

AND OTHER COMBUSTIBLES WILL BE
TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED

UNTIL THE SPRINKLERS
AND VENTILATION SYSTEM

ARE WORKING AGAIN AND WE CAN GET
THE DAMN DOORS OPEN.

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING
THE PAYDAY WAY.

- OH, NO!

KEVIE, SOMEONE STOLE OUR CART.

KEVIE?

- WOULD WHOEVER
HAS THEIR HAND ON MY BUTT

PLEASE REMOVE IT THIS INSTANT?

- DARIA?
- YEAH?

- GUMMY BEAR?

- [groans]

- ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA-LA ♪