Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 12 - Fire! - full transcript
After the Morgendoffers bunk in a hotel after a house fire, Daria decides to stay with Jane, but Daria's growing friendship with Tom starts to strain the girls' relationship.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- OF COURSE IT'S DECAF.
DAMN SADISTIC WAITER.
I SHOULD HAVE STIFFED HIM
WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!
DAMN MILK!
[groaning]
[grunts]
DAMN IT!
WHERE DOES HELEN HIDE THE MOP?
[sniffing]
FUNNY; I COULD SWEAR
I SMELL SMOKE.
GAAAH!
FIRE!
FIRE!
- NO, ERIC, IT'S ONLY 1:00 A.M.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T WAKE ME.
- FIRE!
FIRE!
- OH, MY GOD, ERIC.
THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN.
NO, YOU CAN'T HOLD.
- DARIA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BED
WHEN THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE?
- UM, TRYING TO FIND OUT
IF THESE BLANKETS
ARE FLAME RETARDANT?
- WELL, DO IT LATER!
COME ON.
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- SANDI, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO PACK,
AND I CAN'T RUN OUT OF THE HOUSE
LOOKING LIKE THIS.
- QUINN, COME ON.
- BUT...
- SANDI, SHE'LL HAVE
TO CALL YOU BACK.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN.
[indistinct radio chatter]
- JAKE, LEAVING PAPER TOWELS
BY AN OPEN FLAME?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- MOM'S RIGHT.
KEROSENE WOULD HAVE BEEN
MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE.
- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
- WELL, I REMEMBER THINKING,
"DAMN, A DAMN WAITER
WITH HIS DAMN PHONY DECAF."
THEN I WAS THINKING,
"I NEED SOME DAMN MILK."
- OH, NEVER MIND.
- LUCKILY, IT'S MOSTLY
JUST SMOKE DAMAGE,
BUT WE'LL STILL HAVE TO REPAINT
UPSTAIRS AND DOWN.
I'D SAY
WE'RE LOOKING AT TWO WEEKS.
- TWO WEEKS?
- MEANWHILE,
YOUR POLICY ALLOWS FOR YOU
TO STAY IN A HOTEL
ON A PER DIEM.
THE DUTCHMAN INN
WOULD BE IN BUDGET.
- THE DUTCHMAN INN?
THAT PLACE WITH THE GIANT CLOG?
- COME ON, EVERYONE.
CHEER UP.
STAYING IN A HOTEL
WON'T BE SO BAD.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
AT THE HANOI HILTON.
- WHERE'S THAT?
- ALL I CAN SAY IS,
IT'S A GOOD THING
THE GRAND HOTEL
IS ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS
SO WE COULD GET A DISCOUNT.
- ALTHOUGH I CAN NEVER FORGET
THAT GIANT CLOG
AND WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
- YEAH, GETTING US IN THERE
KIND OF MAKES UP FOR ME
ALMOST BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE,
YOU KNOW?
[chuckles]
SAY, WASN'T THERE A SONG LIKE...
- JUST DRIVE.
- WELCOME TO LE GRAND HOTEL.
I'M BOBBY, AND I'M HERE
TO ASSIST YOU
WITH ALL YOUR NEEDS.
- IN THAT CASE,
I'LL HAVE A PIZZA
AND AN ISOLATION TANK.
- IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
- WHICH PROMISES TO TURN
INTO AN EVEN LONGER NIGHT.
- [grunting]
- PLEASE, LET ME
GET THAT FOR YOU.
- THANKS, FELLA.
- YEAH, THANKS.
- [grunts]
LOUSY... DAMN...
DAAAH!
[whimpering]
BOBBY?
- YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE'S
THE MANAGER OF THIS HOTEL.
- REALLY?
- YEAH, SO IF THERE'S
ANYTHING YOU NEED...
ANYTHING AT ALL...
JUST LET ME KNOW.
- YOU MEAN, LIKE,
SAY IF I WANTED A SODA.
- I'LL GET YOU A CASE.
- [groaning]
LOOK, HELEN:
A DIMMER SWITCH.
- THAT'LL MAKE HER
FORGET THE FIRE.
- JAKE...
- OH, YEAH.
HEY, THANKS, PAL.
DON'T SPEND IT ALL
IN ONE PLACE.
- THANK YOU
FOR YOUR GENEROSITY, SIR.
- YOU KNOW, HOTEL LIVING
COULD BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE.
- UNLESS YOU BURN
THIS PLACE DOWN TOO.
- DAMN IT, HELEN!
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
OF COURSE,
NOW THAT YOU'VE FINISHED
RAKING OLD JAKE OVER THE COALS,
IT'S TIME TO IGNORE HIM
ALL NIGHT
BY TALKING ABOUT SOME BIG CASE.
WELL, JUST GO AHEAD!
- OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND?
- AND THERE ARE 25 DIFFERENT
MOVIES TO CHOOSE FROM.
DO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND
LIKE TO WATCH MOVIES?
- ACTUALLY, I DON'T HAVE A...
both: WE HAVE TO SHARE?
- HOW ABOUT SCREECHER 2?
I HEARD THOSE
BLOODSUCKING EYEBALLS
LOOK REALLY COOL
WHEN THEY BURST.
- ACTUALLY,
I'M KIND OF IN THE MOOD
FOR A MOVIE WITH A PLOT.
HEY, DARIA LEFT ME A MESSAGE
ABOUT A FELLINI FILM FESTIVAL.
- OH, YEAH?
YOU GAVE DARIA YOUR NUMBER?
- YOU DID.
SO WE COULD GO RESCUE HER
FROM MOTHER-DAUGHTER
BONDING DAY?
- RIGHT.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
- I GUESS SHE REMEMBERED
THE DEBATE WE GOT INTO
ON FELLINI'S SYMBOLISM.
- I DO TOO.
ONE OF THE BEST NAPS I EVER HAD.
- HEY, THE CINEMA CAN BE MORE
THAN BURSTING EYEBALLS.
- "THE CINEMA"?
- LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO SEE
LA DOLCE VITA?
- I THINK I'LL PASS.
- FINE.
- IS THERE REALLY
A SECRET UNDERWATER RAILROAD
SMUGGLING FLOUNDER TO FREEDOM?
GET ON BOARD THE "SOLE" TRAIN
TONIGHT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- OR SHARPEN YOUR GOLF GAME
ON ONE OF OUR THREE
18-HOLE COURSES.
- YEAH, AND THEY HAVE THIS
SATINY PADDED KIND OF HANGER
SO YOUR CLOTHES WON'T GET HURT.
- "IN FACT, IT'S
THE SAME SATINY PADDING
THAT'S INSIDE MY HEAD."
- WHO WAS THAT?
- OH, UM, JUST THE MAID.
MAID, YOU CAN HANG UP
THE OTHER PHONE NOW.
OH, WAIT.
MAID, DEAR, HANG UP
THE OTHER PHONE, PLEASE.
GUESS WHERE I AM NOW,
SANDI.
[knock at door]
- RELAX.
SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM,
MARVELING AT ITS MANY WONDERS.
- COOL.
HEY, IS QUINN, YOU KNOW,
SEEING ANYONE?
- JUST A DERMATOLOGIST
FOR THAT RASH.
- HI, QUINN.
- HI.
- OH, NO, I COULDN'T.
- WELL, BYE, THEN.
- SEE YOU AROUND, QUINN.
- EWWW.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA EAT
ALL THAT FAT, ARE YOU?
- NO, I'M GONNA STICK IT
IN MY BOOTS
'CAUSE I LOVE THE SQUISHY,
SQUISHY FEELING ROUND MY TOES.
- EWWWW!
DARIA, YOU'RE MAKING ME
NAUSEOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- GOING TO STAY AT JANE'S.
- LIKE MOM AND DAD
WOULD LET YOU DO THAT.
OF COURSE, FOR $20...
- $10.
- $15, BUT THAT'S
MY FINAL OFFER.
[phone rings]
- HELLO,
QUINN'S SISTER SPEAKING.
- FINE.
JUST GO.
- NO, THAT WAS THE MAID.
I THINK SHE GOT
INTO THE MINIBAR.
HEY, DID I MENTION
THEY HAVE MELBA TOAST?
- DARIA?
- HEY, DARIA.
- HEY, TOM.
TRENT.
- HEY, DARIA.
- LET ME GUESS...
- THEY MADE ME
SHARE A ROOM WITH QUINN.
- THEY TRIED TO BREAK YOU,
DAMN IT.
- I'M OKAY.
I GOT OUT BEFORE SHE APPLIED
THE EYELASH CURLER.
LOOK, DO YOU MIND
IF I STAY HERE TONIGHT?
I'M AFRAID IF I GO BACK,
I'LL MAKE A LETHAL WEAPON
OUT OF
THE COMPLIMENTARY CORKSCREW.
- UM, SURE.
WHY NOT?
- HEY, WHY DON'T THE FOUR OF US
GET SOME PIZZA?
- I AM LOW ON VITAMINS.
- CAN'T.
PRACTICE STARTS AT 7:00.
- TRENT, IT'S 9:00.
- HMM, I BETTER HEAD OUT.
- OKAY, BYE.
- SEE YOU LATER.
READY?
- EXCUSE ME.
DID I SAY I WANTED
TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA?
- UM, BUT YOU DO, RIGHT?
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
YOU KIDS GO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH EXCITEMENT
FOR TODAY,
WHAT WITH LOSING
MY CHILDHOOD HOME AND ALL.
- WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU
TO YOUR SUITE.
- NICE WIND CHIME.
- ACTUALLY, IT'S A ROOM CHIME,
ONE OF PENNY'S BRAINSTORMS.
SPEAKING OF WIND,
I'D PUT YOU IN HIS ROOM,
BUT I'M AFRAID
HE'D TURN UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT IN TEARS
ASKING YOUR ADVICE ON MARRIAGE.
- AND IF I MISTOOK HIM
FOR A BURGLAR
AND SHOT HIM,
WHAT KIND OF GUEST
WOULD THAT MAKE ME?
- [laughs]
- ANYWAY, WE WON'T KEEP YOU.
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
- THANKS.
- BYE, DARIA.
[door slams]
[chimes tinkle]
- I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED PIZZA.
- ACTUALLY, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY
AFTER ALL.
- OKAY.
GUESS I'VE LOST MY APPETITE TOO.
- NOW, AS YOU
MULL OVER THE TITLE
THE RED BADGE OF COURAGE,
WHO BESIDES ME
HEARS THE COWARDLY LION
IN YOUR HEAD SINGING,
"IF I ONLY HAD THE NOIVE"?
[laughs]
EH.
- SO SHALL WE EXPECT YOU BACK
AT CASA LANE TONIGHT?
- I'M HOPING QUINN'S CALMED DOWN
ABOUT THE FREE Q-TIPS BY NOW
AND I CAN SETTLE
BACK IN AT THE HOTEL.
- WELL, IF YOU THINK SO.
- DARIA, I JUST WANTED
TO BE SURE
YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK
TO THE ROOM.
THE FASHION CLUB WILL BE HOLDING
EMERGENCY MEETINGS ALL WEEK
ON FAUX TANNING LOTIONS,
AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO
ANYTHING EMBARRASSING,
LIKE SHOW UP.
- WAIT A...
- UM, SURE.
I'LL BE HAPPY
TO GIVE TO YOUR CHARITY,
OUT-OF-TOWN VOLUNTEER WORKER.
JUST PUT ME DOWN
FOR MY USUAL AMOUNT.
BYE.
- [sighs]
CAN I STAY WITH YOU
A COUPLE MORE NIGHTS?
- UM, SURE.
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
[whimsical lounge music]
- HEY!
- HI, TIFFANY.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?
- HMM, FRUIT CUP
OR FRUIT PLATE?
- HI, STACY.
- HI.
- HEY, THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
MY UMBRELLA.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT SOME PEOPLE
SHOULD NOT GO OUT OF THE HOUSE
WITHOUT A MUUMUU.
- I KNOW.
IT'S LIKE SHE'S NOT EVEN WORRIED
ABOUT OFFENDING US.
- OH, TALK ABOUT OFFENSIVE.
- [clapping] GO, JAKIE!
- BOTTOMS UP!
- YAY!
- EW.
- QUINN, ISN'T THAT
YOUR PARENTS?
- IT LOOKS LIKE THEM
IN THIS HAZE, DOESN'T IT?
- HAZE?
- BOBBY.
- QUINN, I THOUGHT YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS
COULD USE SOME REFRESHMENTS,
SO I PULLED A FEW STRINGS
IN ROOM SERVICE.
- BOBBY, THAT IS SO SWEET.
- I'LL SEE YOU AROUND?
- SURE.
- QUINN, HE'S SO CUTE.
- YEAH, CUTE.
- WELL, SURE,
IF YOU LIKE THAT BELLBOY LOOK.
[drill whirring]
- HEY.
FEEL LIKE GETTING
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- ANOTHER TIME.
I WANT TO FINISH THIS SCULPTURE
BEFORE TOM GETS HERE.
THAT CRAZY KID
JUST DOESN'T APPRECIATE
THE WHIR OF A HIGH-SPEED DRILL.
- I GUESS HE'S NEVER HAD
A GOOD ROOT CANAL.
MIND IF I HANG OUT?
- BE MY GUEST.
OH, BY THE WAY,
THANKS FOR LEAVING THAT MESSAGE
ON TOM'S MACHINE
ABOUT LA DOLCE VITA.
- HEY, WATCHING A DEAD FISH
WASH UP ON SHORE
ALWAYS PUTS ME IN A GOOD MOOD.
- BUT YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE
OF CALLING TOM.
I'M ALWAYS HAPPY
TO PASS MESSAGES ALONG.
- SURE, I JUST...
[drill whirring]
[knock at door]
COME IN.
- HEY, THE PRINCE.
PLANNING ON TAKING OVER
A COUNTRY?
- WELL, NOT NOW THAT
YOU'VE RUINED THE SURPRISE.
- IT'S JUST AS WELL.
YOU GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE
OF PLOTTING A REVOLUTION,
QUELLING THE MASSES,
AND BRUTALLY KILLING
YOUR ENEMIES,
AND WHAT DOES IT GET YOU?
- A GLASS COFFIN SURROUNDED
BY TOURISTS AND NECROPHILIACS.
- I KNEW YOU'D FIND THE UPSIDE.
[both laugh]
- BOBBY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I THINK HE WORKS
FOR THE HOTEL.
- HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
WELCOME
TO THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE,
YOUR NEW HOME AWAY FROM HOME.
- WOW, BOBBY,
IT'S REALLY CUTE AND ALL,
BUT I DON'T THINK
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
WILL PAY FOR THIS.
- NO PROBLEM.
MY UNCLE SAYS THIS ROOM
WON'T BE BOOKED
FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS,
SO I'VE UPGRADED YOU FOR FREE.
- GEE, HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?
- HOW ABOUT LETTING ME
TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER
SATURDAY NIGHT?
- WELL, OKAY.
- GREAT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- LET'S CHECK OUT
THE MAKEUP MIRROR.
- OH, YEAH, LET'S.
I BET THEY'RE HUGE.
SANDI?
WHAT'S WRONG?
- GEE, QUINN,
YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER
SAY ANYTHING TO UPSET YOU,
BUT YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
AND I WORRY ABOUT YOUR SAFETY,
AND IF I WERE IN YOUR POSITION,
I'D WANT TO KNOW
IF I WERE BEING STALKED.
- OH, SANDI,
I'M NOT BEING STALKED.
- OH, NO?
THEN HOW COME BOBBY
ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE?
IT'S LIKE HE'S WATCHING YOU
WITH BINOCULARS OR SOMETHING.
- [gasps]
- SANDI, BOBBY IS NOT A STALKER.
- OH, OKAY.
- PERSONALLY, I ALWAYS
HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR STALIN.
ANY DICTATOR
WHO CHANGES HIS NAME
FROM DZHUGASHVILI
TO "MAN OF STEEL" HAS MY VOTE,
SO TO SPEAK.
- COME ON.
YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
HE ONLY DID IT
SO HIS NAME
WOULD FIT ON HIS LUGGAGE TAGS.
- [laughs]
- THERE YOU ARE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO CALL YOUR HOUSE
TO SEE WHERE YOU WERE.
- BECAUSE I'M TEN MINUTES LATE?
- [clears throat]
- WOW, IT'S 7:00.
SORRY, GUESS I LOST TRACK
OF THE TIME.
- WHAT WAS SO FASCINATING?
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
THE PRINCE'S INFLUENCE
ON LENIN, TROTSKY, AND MS. LI.
- SORRY I ASKED.
- HEY, DID YOU KNOW STALIN
HAD TROTSKY KILLED
WITH AN ICE PICK
TO THE SKULL?
- GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T PUT HIM
IN A GLASS COFFIN.
[both laugh]
- [clears throat]
- ANYWAY, TOM,
I'LL BE DOWN THE HALL
WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE FINISHED
WITH MORGUE CHAT.
- I'D BETTER GO.
- YEAH.
- ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA ♪
- AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
IF I SHOULD WEAR A MAUVE SHELL
WITH MY SILK CAPRIS
OR A SILK SHELL
WITH MY MAUVE CAPRIS.
- I GUESS THAT DEPENDS WHERE
THE STALK... BOBBY IS TAKING YOU.
- I THINK HE SAID
C'EST LA VILLE.
- WOW, THAT PLACE
OVERLOOKS THE LAKE.
IT'S SO ROMANTIC.
- YEAH, ROMANTIC.
- YES.
SAY, I JUST HAD A FUNNY THOUGHT.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT
THAT BIG CLIFF THERE
WOULD BE THE PERFECT PLACE
TO DUMP A BODY?
- [chuckles nervously]
- JANE, WHILE ART
IS A TIME-HONORED WAY
TO GIVE EXPRESSION
TO STRONG EMOTIONS,
IT SHOULDN'T BE AT THE EXPENSE
OF YOUR CANVAS.
- WHAT?
- UM, NEVER MIND.
- BAD WEEK?
- WHY IS IT YOUR BUSINESS?
- IT'S NOT.
- HEY, WAIT.
TOM AND I WERE, LIKE,
MEANT FOR EACH OTHER.
WE'D SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV,
MAKE FUN OF WHATEVER WE SAW.
IT WAS THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
- YOU'RE JUST JOKING
WHEN YOU SAY THAT, RIGHT?
- BUT WHEN HE AND DARIA
START DEBATING AND GOING ON
ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF THEY READ,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT'S LIKE
HE'S FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET.
- OKAY, GO FOR A LONG ONE.
- YO, I'M OPEN.
- YO, DUDE.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
- YOU EVER WORRY THAT
YOU AND MAC ARE DRIFTING APART?
- OVER HERE, MAC DADDY.
- QUIT CALLING ME THAT.
- WITH ALL MY
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES,
I DON'T SEE HIM ENOUGH
TO DRIFT APART.
- OW!
- ALL IN ALL,
NOT A BAD SYSTEM.
- UM, I NEED TO STOP IN HERE.
SEE YA.
- BYE.
- SO I SAID
WE CAN'T JUST START THINKING
EVERY GUY WHO FOLLOWS US AROUND
IS A STALKER,
BECAUSE THE WHOLE
FASHION CLUB PHILOSOPHY
IS BUILT ON GETTING GUYS
TO FOLLOW US AROUND.
AND SANDI SAID,
"GEE, QUINN,
I NEVER KNEW STALKING
WAS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER."
BUT I THINK SHE GOT STALKERS
MIXED UP WITH PEEPING TOMS,
WHICH IS, LIKE, A WHOLE OTHER
THING ALTOGETHER, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
- STALKER?
YOU HAVE A STALKER?
- MOM, I SAID
HE'S NOT A STALKER.
HE'S JUST ENTHUSIASTIC.
- OH, OKAY.
JAKE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
HONEY?
QUINN SAYS
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A STALKER.
- STALKER?
HMMM.
I HOPE IT'S NOT
ONE OF THOSE CANNIBAL GUYS
WITH THE MOTHS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL
GO INTO THE HOUSE.
WHERE'S DARIA?
WHERE'S THE HOUSE?
- IT'S BEING PAINTED, JAKIE.
REMEMBER?
WHERE IS DARIA?
- UM, SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA
BE AT THAT FRIEND OF HERS
WORKING PRETTY LATE
ON THAT PROJECT.
ANYWAY...
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
WHAT PROJECT IS THAT?
- MOM!
I CAN'T KNOW EVERYTHING.
I'M NOT MY SISTER'S BEEPER.
- JANE.
- HEY, DARIA.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOTHING.
- RIGHT.
YOU ALWAYS DUCK
INTO EMPTY CLASSROOMS
WHEN YOU SEE ME COMING.
- SO YOU FINALLY NOTICED, EH?
OKAY, UM, I'M HAPPY
YOU AND TOM HAVE BEEN
HITTING IT OFF SO WELL.
REALLY.
BUT, SEE, TOM AND I AREN'T
HITTING IT OFF SO WELL,
AND WHETHER YOU MEAN TO OR NOT,
YOU'RE MAKING THINGS WORSE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHETHER I MEAN TO OR NOT?
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU GOT TO ADMIT
YOU HAVE A TENDENCY
TO MONOPOLIZE HIS TIME.
- EXCUSE ME?
- LIKE THE OTHER DAY,
WHEN YOU KEPT HIM IN YOUR ROOM
HALF THE NIGHT.
- HEY, I DIDN'T KEEP TOM
IN MY ROOM.
HE STOPPED BY,
AND WE STARTED TALKING.
- HE STOPPED BY,
OR YOU RAN INTO HIM
IN THE HALL?
BECAUSE PENNY'S ROOM
IS AT THE OPPOSITE END
OF THE HOUSE FROM MINE.
- SO?
- SO THE ONLY WAY
HE COULD HAVE STOPPED BY
IS IF HE WENT THAT WAY
TO SEE YOU
BEFORE HE CAME THIS WAY
TO SEE ME.
OH.
- LOOK, HE PROBABLY
HEARD YOU DRILLING
AND DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
- [sighs] RIGHT.
DAMN IT.
WHEN DID I BECOME A THIRD WHEEL
IN MY OWN RELATIONSHIP?
- HEY, COME ON.
DON'T EVEN SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
AND DON'T MAKE ME RESPONSIBLE
FOR WHATEVER'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU TWO.
WEREN'T YOU HAVING PROBLEMS
BEFORE I GOT HERE?
- WELL, IF YOU INSIST
ON BEING ACCURATE ABOUT IT.
- ANYWAY, THE HOUSE WILL BE
FINISHED IN A COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND I'LL BE OUT OF HERE,
UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK
TO THE HOTEL TONIGHT.
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I OVERREACTED.
I HATE BEING THIS WAY.
THIS JEALOUSY CRAP,
IT'S NOT ME AT ALL.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- YOU'D NEVER DO ANYTHING
TO HURT ME.
- NOT UNLESS
YOU GREW LONG RED HAIR
AND BEGAN KEEPING
A LIP GLOSS DATABASE.
- SAY, HONEY, YOU DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD BE WORRIED
ABOUT THIS STALKER GUY,
DO YOU?
- QUINN SAYS
HE'S JUST A NICE YOUNG MAN WHO
WANTS A DATE
AND THE REST OF IT'S
IN HER FRIEND SANDI'S HEAD,
IMPROBABLE AS THAT SOUNDS.
[both laugh]
- MAN, THIS HOTEL LIVING'S
GOT ME SO RELAXED.
I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHEN I FELT SO GOOD.
- IT'S GOOD TO FEEL GOOD,
ISN'T IT?
- OH, YEAH.
[phone rings]
- HELLO?
DETECTIVE?
OH, MY GOD!
QUINN!
- GAAAAH!
- AND I THINK THE BEST DETECTIVE
OUTFITS WERE IN THE '60s,
LIKE THAT WHAT'S-HER-NAME
IN THE MOD SQUAD
AND THE AVENGER LADY.
I MEAN, CAGNEY & LACEY.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
OH, HI, MOM AND DAD.
- THANK HEAVEN YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
- WHERE'S THE STALKER?
I'LL RIP HIS EYES OUT.
HE IS ALL HANDCUFFED AND STUFF,
RIGHT?
- MR. AND MRS. MORGENDORFFER,
WE WERE
JUST ASKING YOUR DAUGHTER
ABOUT SOME RECENT GIFTS
SHE RECEIVED
FROM A HOTEL BELLBOY,
ONE BOBBY STEWART.
- LET'S SEE.
HE GAVE ME A LOBSTER PLATTER,
ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T EAT IT,
BECAUSE LOBSTER IS SO MESSY;
A PAIR OF THOSE
CUTE LITTLE PLASTIC SANDALS
YOU GET IN THE SPA
THAT MASSAGE YOUR FEET
WHEN YOU WALK...
- I LOVE THOSE.
- JAKE.
- OH, YEAH.
AND AN UPGRADE
TO THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
LOOK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TALK TO BOBBY'S UNCLE,
THE HOTEL MANAGER
OR WHATEVER.
HE'S THE ONE WHO SAID
IT WAS OKAY TO GIVE ME THE STUFF
SINCE NO ONE ELSE WAS USING IT.
- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
MR. STEWART HAS NO UNCLE
AT THE HOTEL.
HE'S BEEN BILLING YOUR PARENTS'
ACCOUNT FOR ALL THESE ITEMS,
ONLY TO DELETE THE CHARGES LATER
BY BREAKING INTO
THE HOTEL'S COMPUTER SYSTEM.
- [gasps] YOU MEAN I ALMOST
WENT OUT WITH...
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- A COMPUTER GEEK?
AREN'T BELLBOYS WEIRD?
- WHERE'S DARIA?
[knock at door]
- COME IN.
- HEY, DARIA.
HAVE YOU SEEN JANEY?
I THINK ONE OF US
WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE
THE OTHER ONE A RIDE SOMEWHERE.
- SHE'S PROBABLY OVER AT TOM'S,
AVOIDING ME.
- OH.
OR MAKING SURE TOM DOES.
- OH, NO.
NOT YOU TOO.
- LOOK, TRENT,
THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON
BETWEEN ME AND TOM.
- IF YOU SAY SO.
- WHAT?
- COME ON, DARIA.
I'M A MUSICIAN.
I'M VERY SENSITIVE
TO SHIFTS IN MOOD.
- THEN YOUR SENSES MUST BE GOING
INTO OVERDRIVE ABOUT NOW.
- HEY, I'VE SEEN YOU TOGETHER.
GUYS CAN ALWAYS TELL
WHEN OTHER GUYS
ARE INTO SOMEONE.
YOU KNOW, ETHEREAL TRANSFERENCE.
- TRENT, EVEN IF
WHAT YOU JUST SAID MADE SENSE,
I THINK I WOULD KNOW
IF TOM WERE INTO ME.
AND HE'S NOT.
- OKAY.
I SHOULD GO.
- [sighs]
I'M SORRY, TRENT.
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T EXACTLY
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,
NO ONE SAID YOU MEANT
FOR IT TO HAPPEN.
- YEAH, OKAY.
THANKS.
- BUT THERE'S
NO USE PLAYING DUMB, RIGHT?
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO?
DARIA, RUNNING OFF TO JANE'S
WITHOUT EVEN ASKING US FIRST.
- DAMN IT!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE US
A CHANCE TO SAY NO.
Trent's voice:
GUYS CAN ALWAYS TELL
WHEN OTHER GUYS
ARE INTO SOMEONE.
- PAY ATTENTION, JAKE.
- I WAS PAYING ATTENTION.
- YOU MEAN LIKE
WHEN YOU SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE?
- OH, GREAT.
JUST NEVER LET ME FORGET THAT,
WILL YOU?
- DAD, WOULD YOU WATCH THE ROAD?
- NOT YOU TOO?
GO ON, DARIA.
WHY DON'T YOU CHIME IN?
DARIA?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- OF COURSE IT'S DECAF.
DAMN SADISTIC WAITER.
I SHOULD HAVE STIFFED HIM
WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!
DAMN MILK!
[groaning]
[grunts]
DAMN IT!
WHERE DOES HELEN HIDE THE MOP?
[sniffing]
FUNNY; I COULD SWEAR
I SMELL SMOKE.
GAAAH!
FIRE!
FIRE!
- NO, ERIC, IT'S ONLY 1:00 A.M.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T WAKE ME.
- FIRE!
FIRE!
- OH, MY GOD, ERIC.
THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN.
NO, YOU CAN'T HOLD.
- DARIA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BED
WHEN THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE?
- UM, TRYING TO FIND OUT
IF THESE BLANKETS
ARE FLAME RETARDANT?
- WELL, DO IT LATER!
COME ON.
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- SANDI, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO PACK,
AND I CAN'T RUN OUT OF THE HOUSE
LOOKING LIKE THIS.
- QUINN, COME ON.
- BUT...
- SANDI, SHE'LL HAVE
TO CALL YOU BACK.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN.
[indistinct radio chatter]
- JAKE, LEAVING PAPER TOWELS
BY AN OPEN FLAME?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- MOM'S RIGHT.
KEROSENE WOULD HAVE BEEN
MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE.
- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
- WELL, I REMEMBER THINKING,
"DAMN, A DAMN WAITER
WITH HIS DAMN PHONY DECAF."
THEN I WAS THINKING,
"I NEED SOME DAMN MILK."
- OH, NEVER MIND.
- LUCKILY, IT'S MOSTLY
JUST SMOKE DAMAGE,
BUT WE'LL STILL HAVE TO REPAINT
UPSTAIRS AND DOWN.
I'D SAY
WE'RE LOOKING AT TWO WEEKS.
- TWO WEEKS?
- MEANWHILE,
YOUR POLICY ALLOWS FOR YOU
TO STAY IN A HOTEL
ON A PER DIEM.
THE DUTCHMAN INN
WOULD BE IN BUDGET.
- THE DUTCHMAN INN?
THAT PLACE WITH THE GIANT CLOG?
- COME ON, EVERYONE.
CHEER UP.
STAYING IN A HOTEL
WON'T BE SO BAD.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
AT THE HANOI HILTON.
- WHERE'S THAT?
- ALL I CAN SAY IS,
IT'S A GOOD THING
THE GRAND HOTEL
IS ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS
SO WE COULD GET A DISCOUNT.
- ALTHOUGH I CAN NEVER FORGET
THAT GIANT CLOG
AND WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
- YEAH, GETTING US IN THERE
KIND OF MAKES UP FOR ME
ALMOST BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE,
YOU KNOW?
[chuckles]
SAY, WASN'T THERE A SONG LIKE...
- JUST DRIVE.
- WELCOME TO LE GRAND HOTEL.
I'M BOBBY, AND I'M HERE
TO ASSIST YOU
WITH ALL YOUR NEEDS.
- IN THAT CASE,
I'LL HAVE A PIZZA
AND AN ISOLATION TANK.
- IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
- WHICH PROMISES TO TURN
INTO AN EVEN LONGER NIGHT.
- [grunting]
- PLEASE, LET ME
GET THAT FOR YOU.
- THANKS, FELLA.
- YEAH, THANKS.
- [grunts]
LOUSY... DAMN...
DAAAH!
[whimpering]
BOBBY?
- YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE'S
THE MANAGER OF THIS HOTEL.
- REALLY?
- YEAH, SO IF THERE'S
ANYTHING YOU NEED...
ANYTHING AT ALL...
JUST LET ME KNOW.
- YOU MEAN, LIKE,
SAY IF I WANTED A SODA.
- I'LL GET YOU A CASE.
- [groaning]
LOOK, HELEN:
A DIMMER SWITCH.
- THAT'LL MAKE HER
FORGET THE FIRE.
- JAKE...
- OH, YEAH.
HEY, THANKS, PAL.
DON'T SPEND IT ALL
IN ONE PLACE.
- THANK YOU
FOR YOUR GENEROSITY, SIR.
- YOU KNOW, HOTEL LIVING
COULD BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE.
- UNLESS YOU BURN
THIS PLACE DOWN TOO.
- DAMN IT, HELEN!
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
OF COURSE,
NOW THAT YOU'VE FINISHED
RAKING OLD JAKE OVER THE COALS,
IT'S TIME TO IGNORE HIM
ALL NIGHT
BY TALKING ABOUT SOME BIG CASE.
WELL, JUST GO AHEAD!
- OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND?
- AND THERE ARE 25 DIFFERENT
MOVIES TO CHOOSE FROM.
DO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND
LIKE TO WATCH MOVIES?
- ACTUALLY, I DON'T HAVE A...
both: WE HAVE TO SHARE?
- HOW ABOUT SCREECHER 2?
I HEARD THOSE
BLOODSUCKING EYEBALLS
LOOK REALLY COOL
WHEN THEY BURST.
- ACTUALLY,
I'M KIND OF IN THE MOOD
FOR A MOVIE WITH A PLOT.
HEY, DARIA LEFT ME A MESSAGE
ABOUT A FELLINI FILM FESTIVAL.
- OH, YEAH?
YOU GAVE DARIA YOUR NUMBER?
- YOU DID.
SO WE COULD GO RESCUE HER
FROM MOTHER-DAUGHTER
BONDING DAY?
- RIGHT.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
- I GUESS SHE REMEMBERED
THE DEBATE WE GOT INTO
ON FELLINI'S SYMBOLISM.
- I DO TOO.
ONE OF THE BEST NAPS I EVER HAD.
- HEY, THE CINEMA CAN BE MORE
THAN BURSTING EYEBALLS.
- "THE CINEMA"?
- LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO SEE
LA DOLCE VITA?
- I THINK I'LL PASS.
- FINE.
- IS THERE REALLY
A SECRET UNDERWATER RAILROAD
SMUGGLING FLOUNDER TO FREEDOM?
GET ON BOARD THE "SOLE" TRAIN
TONIGHT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- OR SHARPEN YOUR GOLF GAME
ON ONE OF OUR THREE
18-HOLE COURSES.
- YEAH, AND THEY HAVE THIS
SATINY PADDED KIND OF HANGER
SO YOUR CLOTHES WON'T GET HURT.
- "IN FACT, IT'S
THE SAME SATINY PADDING
THAT'S INSIDE MY HEAD."
- WHO WAS THAT?
- OH, UM, JUST THE MAID.
MAID, YOU CAN HANG UP
THE OTHER PHONE NOW.
OH, WAIT.
MAID, DEAR, HANG UP
THE OTHER PHONE, PLEASE.
GUESS WHERE I AM NOW,
SANDI.
[knock at door]
- RELAX.
SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM,
MARVELING AT ITS MANY WONDERS.
- COOL.
HEY, IS QUINN, YOU KNOW,
SEEING ANYONE?
- JUST A DERMATOLOGIST
FOR THAT RASH.
- HI, QUINN.
- HI.
- OH, NO, I COULDN'T.
- WELL, BYE, THEN.
- SEE YOU AROUND, QUINN.
- EWWW.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA EAT
ALL THAT FAT, ARE YOU?
- NO, I'M GONNA STICK IT
IN MY BOOTS
'CAUSE I LOVE THE SQUISHY,
SQUISHY FEELING ROUND MY TOES.
- EWWWW!
DARIA, YOU'RE MAKING ME
NAUSEOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- GOING TO STAY AT JANE'S.
- LIKE MOM AND DAD
WOULD LET YOU DO THAT.
OF COURSE, FOR $20...
- $10.
- $15, BUT THAT'S
MY FINAL OFFER.
[phone rings]
- HELLO,
QUINN'S SISTER SPEAKING.
- FINE.
JUST GO.
- NO, THAT WAS THE MAID.
I THINK SHE GOT
INTO THE MINIBAR.
HEY, DID I MENTION
THEY HAVE MELBA TOAST?
- DARIA?
- HEY, DARIA.
- HEY, TOM.
TRENT.
- HEY, DARIA.
- LET ME GUESS...
- THEY MADE ME
SHARE A ROOM WITH QUINN.
- THEY TRIED TO BREAK YOU,
DAMN IT.
- I'M OKAY.
I GOT OUT BEFORE SHE APPLIED
THE EYELASH CURLER.
LOOK, DO YOU MIND
IF I STAY HERE TONIGHT?
I'M AFRAID IF I GO BACK,
I'LL MAKE A LETHAL WEAPON
OUT OF
THE COMPLIMENTARY CORKSCREW.
- UM, SURE.
WHY NOT?
- HEY, WHY DON'T THE FOUR OF US
GET SOME PIZZA?
- I AM LOW ON VITAMINS.
- CAN'T.
PRACTICE STARTS AT 7:00.
- TRENT, IT'S 9:00.
- HMM, I BETTER HEAD OUT.
- OKAY, BYE.
- SEE YOU LATER.
READY?
- EXCUSE ME.
DID I SAY I WANTED
TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA?
- UM, BUT YOU DO, RIGHT?
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
YOU KIDS GO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH EXCITEMENT
FOR TODAY,
WHAT WITH LOSING
MY CHILDHOOD HOME AND ALL.
- WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU
TO YOUR SUITE.
- NICE WIND CHIME.
- ACTUALLY, IT'S A ROOM CHIME,
ONE OF PENNY'S BRAINSTORMS.
SPEAKING OF WIND,
I'D PUT YOU IN HIS ROOM,
BUT I'M AFRAID
HE'D TURN UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT IN TEARS
ASKING YOUR ADVICE ON MARRIAGE.
- AND IF I MISTOOK HIM
FOR A BURGLAR
AND SHOT HIM,
WHAT KIND OF GUEST
WOULD THAT MAKE ME?
- [laughs]
- ANYWAY, WE WON'T KEEP YOU.
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
- THANKS.
- BYE, DARIA.
[door slams]
[chimes tinkle]
- I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED PIZZA.
- ACTUALLY, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY
AFTER ALL.
- OKAY.
GUESS I'VE LOST MY APPETITE TOO.
- NOW, AS YOU
MULL OVER THE TITLE
THE RED BADGE OF COURAGE,
WHO BESIDES ME
HEARS THE COWARDLY LION
IN YOUR HEAD SINGING,
"IF I ONLY HAD THE NOIVE"?
[laughs]
EH.
- SO SHALL WE EXPECT YOU BACK
AT CASA LANE TONIGHT?
- I'M HOPING QUINN'S CALMED DOWN
ABOUT THE FREE Q-TIPS BY NOW
AND I CAN SETTLE
BACK IN AT THE HOTEL.
- WELL, IF YOU THINK SO.
- DARIA, I JUST WANTED
TO BE SURE
YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK
TO THE ROOM.
THE FASHION CLUB WILL BE HOLDING
EMERGENCY MEETINGS ALL WEEK
ON FAUX TANNING LOTIONS,
AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO
ANYTHING EMBARRASSING,
LIKE SHOW UP.
- WAIT A...
- UM, SURE.
I'LL BE HAPPY
TO GIVE TO YOUR CHARITY,
OUT-OF-TOWN VOLUNTEER WORKER.
JUST PUT ME DOWN
FOR MY USUAL AMOUNT.
BYE.
- [sighs]
CAN I STAY WITH YOU
A COUPLE MORE NIGHTS?
- UM, SURE.
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
[whimsical lounge music]
- HEY!
- HI, TIFFANY.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?
- HMM, FRUIT CUP
OR FRUIT PLATE?
- HI, STACY.
- HI.
- HEY, THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
MY UMBRELLA.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT SOME PEOPLE
SHOULD NOT GO OUT OF THE HOUSE
WITHOUT A MUUMUU.
- I KNOW.
IT'S LIKE SHE'S NOT EVEN WORRIED
ABOUT OFFENDING US.
- OH, TALK ABOUT OFFENSIVE.
- [clapping] GO, JAKIE!
- BOTTOMS UP!
- YAY!
- EW.
- QUINN, ISN'T THAT
YOUR PARENTS?
- IT LOOKS LIKE THEM
IN THIS HAZE, DOESN'T IT?
- HAZE?
- BOBBY.
- QUINN, I THOUGHT YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS
COULD USE SOME REFRESHMENTS,
SO I PULLED A FEW STRINGS
IN ROOM SERVICE.
- BOBBY, THAT IS SO SWEET.
- I'LL SEE YOU AROUND?
- SURE.
- QUINN, HE'S SO CUTE.
- YEAH, CUTE.
- WELL, SURE,
IF YOU LIKE THAT BELLBOY LOOK.
[drill whirring]
- HEY.
FEEL LIKE GETTING
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- ANOTHER TIME.
I WANT TO FINISH THIS SCULPTURE
BEFORE TOM GETS HERE.
THAT CRAZY KID
JUST DOESN'T APPRECIATE
THE WHIR OF A HIGH-SPEED DRILL.
- I GUESS HE'S NEVER HAD
A GOOD ROOT CANAL.
MIND IF I HANG OUT?
- BE MY GUEST.
OH, BY THE WAY,
THANKS FOR LEAVING THAT MESSAGE
ON TOM'S MACHINE
ABOUT LA DOLCE VITA.
- HEY, WATCHING A DEAD FISH
WASH UP ON SHORE
ALWAYS PUTS ME IN A GOOD MOOD.
- BUT YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE
OF CALLING TOM.
I'M ALWAYS HAPPY
TO PASS MESSAGES ALONG.
- SURE, I JUST...
[drill whirring]
[knock at door]
COME IN.
- HEY, THE PRINCE.
PLANNING ON TAKING OVER
A COUNTRY?
- WELL, NOT NOW THAT
YOU'VE RUINED THE SURPRISE.
- IT'S JUST AS WELL.
YOU GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE
OF PLOTTING A REVOLUTION,
QUELLING THE MASSES,
AND BRUTALLY KILLING
YOUR ENEMIES,
AND WHAT DOES IT GET YOU?
- A GLASS COFFIN SURROUNDED
BY TOURISTS AND NECROPHILIACS.
- I KNEW YOU'D FIND THE UPSIDE.
[both laugh]
- BOBBY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I THINK HE WORKS
FOR THE HOTEL.
- HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
WELCOME
TO THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE,
YOUR NEW HOME AWAY FROM HOME.
- WOW, BOBBY,
IT'S REALLY CUTE AND ALL,
BUT I DON'T THINK
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
WILL PAY FOR THIS.
- NO PROBLEM.
MY UNCLE SAYS THIS ROOM
WON'T BE BOOKED
FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS,
SO I'VE UPGRADED YOU FOR FREE.
- GEE, HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?
- HOW ABOUT LETTING ME
TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER
SATURDAY NIGHT?
- WELL, OKAY.
- GREAT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- LET'S CHECK OUT
THE MAKEUP MIRROR.
- OH, YEAH, LET'S.
I BET THEY'RE HUGE.
SANDI?
WHAT'S WRONG?
- GEE, QUINN,
YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER
SAY ANYTHING TO UPSET YOU,
BUT YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
AND I WORRY ABOUT YOUR SAFETY,
AND IF I WERE IN YOUR POSITION,
I'D WANT TO KNOW
IF I WERE BEING STALKED.
- OH, SANDI,
I'M NOT BEING STALKED.
- OH, NO?
THEN HOW COME BOBBY
ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE?
IT'S LIKE HE'S WATCHING YOU
WITH BINOCULARS OR SOMETHING.
- [gasps]
- SANDI, BOBBY IS NOT A STALKER.
- OH, OKAY.
- PERSONALLY, I ALWAYS
HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR STALIN.
ANY DICTATOR
WHO CHANGES HIS NAME
FROM DZHUGASHVILI
TO "MAN OF STEEL" HAS MY VOTE,
SO TO SPEAK.
- COME ON.
YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
HE ONLY DID IT
SO HIS NAME
WOULD FIT ON HIS LUGGAGE TAGS.
- [laughs]
- THERE YOU ARE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO CALL YOUR HOUSE
TO SEE WHERE YOU WERE.
- BECAUSE I'M TEN MINUTES LATE?
- [clears throat]
- WOW, IT'S 7:00.
SORRY, GUESS I LOST TRACK
OF THE TIME.
- WHAT WAS SO FASCINATING?
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
THE PRINCE'S INFLUENCE
ON LENIN, TROTSKY, AND MS. LI.
- SORRY I ASKED.
- HEY, DID YOU KNOW STALIN
HAD TROTSKY KILLED
WITH AN ICE PICK
TO THE SKULL?
- GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T PUT HIM
IN A GLASS COFFIN.
[both laugh]
- [clears throat]
- ANYWAY, TOM,
I'LL BE DOWN THE HALL
WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE FINISHED
WITH MORGUE CHAT.
- I'D BETTER GO.
- YEAH.
- ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA ♪
- AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
IF I SHOULD WEAR A MAUVE SHELL
WITH MY SILK CAPRIS
OR A SILK SHELL
WITH MY MAUVE CAPRIS.
- I GUESS THAT DEPENDS WHERE
THE STALK... BOBBY IS TAKING YOU.
- I THINK HE SAID
C'EST LA VILLE.
- WOW, THAT PLACE
OVERLOOKS THE LAKE.
IT'S SO ROMANTIC.
- YEAH, ROMANTIC.
- YES.
SAY, I JUST HAD A FUNNY THOUGHT.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT
THAT BIG CLIFF THERE
WOULD BE THE PERFECT PLACE
TO DUMP A BODY?
- [chuckles nervously]
- JANE, WHILE ART
IS A TIME-HONORED WAY
TO GIVE EXPRESSION
TO STRONG EMOTIONS,
IT SHOULDN'T BE AT THE EXPENSE
OF YOUR CANVAS.
- WHAT?
- UM, NEVER MIND.
- BAD WEEK?
- WHY IS IT YOUR BUSINESS?
- IT'S NOT.
- HEY, WAIT.
TOM AND I WERE, LIKE,
MEANT FOR EACH OTHER.
WE'D SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV,
MAKE FUN OF WHATEVER WE SAW.
IT WAS THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
- YOU'RE JUST JOKING
WHEN YOU SAY THAT, RIGHT?
- BUT WHEN HE AND DARIA
START DEBATING AND GOING ON
ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF THEY READ,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT'S LIKE
HE'S FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET.
- OKAY, GO FOR A LONG ONE.
- YO, I'M OPEN.
- YO, DUDE.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
- YOU EVER WORRY THAT
YOU AND MAC ARE DRIFTING APART?
- OVER HERE, MAC DADDY.
- QUIT CALLING ME THAT.
- WITH ALL MY
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES,
I DON'T SEE HIM ENOUGH
TO DRIFT APART.
- OW!
- ALL IN ALL,
NOT A BAD SYSTEM.
- UM, I NEED TO STOP IN HERE.
SEE YA.
- BYE.
- SO I SAID
WE CAN'T JUST START THINKING
EVERY GUY WHO FOLLOWS US AROUND
IS A STALKER,
BECAUSE THE WHOLE
FASHION CLUB PHILOSOPHY
IS BUILT ON GETTING GUYS
TO FOLLOW US AROUND.
AND SANDI SAID,
"GEE, QUINN,
I NEVER KNEW STALKING
WAS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER."
BUT I THINK SHE GOT STALKERS
MIXED UP WITH PEEPING TOMS,
WHICH IS, LIKE, A WHOLE OTHER
THING ALTOGETHER, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
- STALKER?
YOU HAVE A STALKER?
- MOM, I SAID
HE'S NOT A STALKER.
HE'S JUST ENTHUSIASTIC.
- OH, OKAY.
JAKE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
HONEY?
QUINN SAYS
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A STALKER.
- STALKER?
HMMM.
I HOPE IT'S NOT
ONE OF THOSE CANNIBAL GUYS
WITH THE MOTHS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL
GO INTO THE HOUSE.
WHERE'S DARIA?
WHERE'S THE HOUSE?
- IT'S BEING PAINTED, JAKIE.
REMEMBER?
WHERE IS DARIA?
- UM, SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA
BE AT THAT FRIEND OF HERS
WORKING PRETTY LATE
ON THAT PROJECT.
ANYWAY...
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
WHAT PROJECT IS THAT?
- MOM!
I CAN'T KNOW EVERYTHING.
I'M NOT MY SISTER'S BEEPER.
- JANE.
- HEY, DARIA.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOTHING.
- RIGHT.
YOU ALWAYS DUCK
INTO EMPTY CLASSROOMS
WHEN YOU SEE ME COMING.
- SO YOU FINALLY NOTICED, EH?
OKAY, UM, I'M HAPPY
YOU AND TOM HAVE BEEN
HITTING IT OFF SO WELL.
REALLY.
BUT, SEE, TOM AND I AREN'T
HITTING IT OFF SO WELL,
AND WHETHER YOU MEAN TO OR NOT,
YOU'RE MAKING THINGS WORSE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHETHER I MEAN TO OR NOT?
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU GOT TO ADMIT
YOU HAVE A TENDENCY
TO MONOPOLIZE HIS TIME.
- EXCUSE ME?
- LIKE THE OTHER DAY,
WHEN YOU KEPT HIM IN YOUR ROOM
HALF THE NIGHT.
- HEY, I DIDN'T KEEP TOM
IN MY ROOM.
HE STOPPED BY,
AND WE STARTED TALKING.
- HE STOPPED BY,
OR YOU RAN INTO HIM
IN THE HALL?
BECAUSE PENNY'S ROOM
IS AT THE OPPOSITE END
OF THE HOUSE FROM MINE.
- SO?
- SO THE ONLY WAY
HE COULD HAVE STOPPED BY
IS IF HE WENT THAT WAY
TO SEE YOU
BEFORE HE CAME THIS WAY
TO SEE ME.
OH.
- LOOK, HE PROBABLY
HEARD YOU DRILLING
AND DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
- [sighs] RIGHT.
DAMN IT.
WHEN DID I BECOME A THIRD WHEEL
IN MY OWN RELATIONSHIP?
- HEY, COME ON.
DON'T EVEN SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
AND DON'T MAKE ME RESPONSIBLE
FOR WHATEVER'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU TWO.
WEREN'T YOU HAVING PROBLEMS
BEFORE I GOT HERE?
- WELL, IF YOU INSIST
ON BEING ACCURATE ABOUT IT.
- ANYWAY, THE HOUSE WILL BE
FINISHED IN A COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND I'LL BE OUT OF HERE,
UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK
TO THE HOTEL TONIGHT.
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I OVERREACTED.
I HATE BEING THIS WAY.
THIS JEALOUSY CRAP,
IT'S NOT ME AT ALL.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- YOU'D NEVER DO ANYTHING
TO HURT ME.
- NOT UNLESS
YOU GREW LONG RED HAIR
AND BEGAN KEEPING
A LIP GLOSS DATABASE.
- SAY, HONEY, YOU DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD BE WORRIED
ABOUT THIS STALKER GUY,
DO YOU?
- QUINN SAYS
HE'S JUST A NICE YOUNG MAN WHO
WANTS A DATE
AND THE REST OF IT'S
IN HER FRIEND SANDI'S HEAD,
IMPROBABLE AS THAT SOUNDS.
[both laugh]
- MAN, THIS HOTEL LIVING'S
GOT ME SO RELAXED.
I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHEN I FELT SO GOOD.
- IT'S GOOD TO FEEL GOOD,
ISN'T IT?
- OH, YEAH.
[phone rings]
- HELLO?
DETECTIVE?
OH, MY GOD!
QUINN!
- GAAAAH!
- AND I THINK THE BEST DETECTIVE
OUTFITS WERE IN THE '60s,
LIKE THAT WHAT'S-HER-NAME
IN THE MOD SQUAD
AND THE AVENGER LADY.
I MEAN, CAGNEY & LACEY.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
OH, HI, MOM AND DAD.
- THANK HEAVEN YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
- WHERE'S THE STALKER?
I'LL RIP HIS EYES OUT.
HE IS ALL HANDCUFFED AND STUFF,
RIGHT?
- MR. AND MRS. MORGENDORFFER,
WE WERE
JUST ASKING YOUR DAUGHTER
ABOUT SOME RECENT GIFTS
SHE RECEIVED
FROM A HOTEL BELLBOY,
ONE BOBBY STEWART.
- LET'S SEE.
HE GAVE ME A LOBSTER PLATTER,
ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T EAT IT,
BECAUSE LOBSTER IS SO MESSY;
A PAIR OF THOSE
CUTE LITTLE PLASTIC SANDALS
YOU GET IN THE SPA
THAT MASSAGE YOUR FEET
WHEN YOU WALK...
- I LOVE THOSE.
- JAKE.
- OH, YEAH.
AND AN UPGRADE
TO THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
LOOK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TALK TO BOBBY'S UNCLE,
THE HOTEL MANAGER
OR WHATEVER.
HE'S THE ONE WHO SAID
IT WAS OKAY TO GIVE ME THE STUFF
SINCE NO ONE ELSE WAS USING IT.
- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
MR. STEWART HAS NO UNCLE
AT THE HOTEL.
HE'S BEEN BILLING YOUR PARENTS'
ACCOUNT FOR ALL THESE ITEMS,
ONLY TO DELETE THE CHARGES LATER
BY BREAKING INTO
THE HOTEL'S COMPUTER SYSTEM.
- [gasps] YOU MEAN I ALMOST
WENT OUT WITH...
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- A COMPUTER GEEK?
AREN'T BELLBOYS WEIRD?
- WHERE'S DARIA?
[knock at door]
- COME IN.
- HEY, DARIA.
HAVE YOU SEEN JANEY?
I THINK ONE OF US
WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE
THE OTHER ONE A RIDE SOMEWHERE.
- SHE'S PROBABLY OVER AT TOM'S,
AVOIDING ME.
- OH.
OR MAKING SURE TOM DOES.
- OH, NO.
NOT YOU TOO.
- LOOK, TRENT,
THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON
BETWEEN ME AND TOM.
- IF YOU SAY SO.
- WHAT?
- COME ON, DARIA.
I'M A MUSICIAN.
I'M VERY SENSITIVE
TO SHIFTS IN MOOD.
- THEN YOUR SENSES MUST BE GOING
INTO OVERDRIVE ABOUT NOW.
- HEY, I'VE SEEN YOU TOGETHER.
GUYS CAN ALWAYS TELL
WHEN OTHER GUYS
ARE INTO SOMEONE.
YOU KNOW, ETHEREAL TRANSFERENCE.
- TRENT, EVEN IF
WHAT YOU JUST SAID MADE SENSE,
I THINK I WOULD KNOW
IF TOM WERE INTO ME.
AND HE'S NOT.
- OKAY.
I SHOULD GO.
- [sighs]
I'M SORRY, TRENT.
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T EXACTLY
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,
NO ONE SAID YOU MEANT
FOR IT TO HAPPEN.
- YEAH, OKAY.
THANKS.
- BUT THERE'S
NO USE PLAYING DUMB, RIGHT?
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO?
DARIA, RUNNING OFF TO JANE'S
WITHOUT EVEN ASKING US FIRST.
- DAMN IT!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE US
A CHANCE TO SAY NO.
Trent's voice:
GUYS CAN ALWAYS TELL
WHEN OTHER GUYS
ARE INTO SOMEONE.
- PAY ATTENTION, JAKE.
- I WAS PAYING ATTENTION.
- YOU MEAN LIKE
WHEN YOU SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE?
- OH, GREAT.
JUST NEVER LET ME FORGET THAT,
WILL YOU?
- DAD, WOULD YOU WATCH THE ROAD?
- NOT YOU TOO?
GO ON, DARIA.
WHY DON'T YOU CHIME IN?
DARIA?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪