Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 11 - Groped by an Angel - full transcript
Quinn's obsession with guardian angels gets on Daria's nerves. A party at Brittany's introduces us to her stepmother... who looks and acts exactly like her.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
- DAMN IT!
WHERE DOES IT SAY
WHICH WIRE IS WHICH?
- MAYBE A LITTLE LIGHT
WOULD MAKE THINGS EASIER.
- NO, DARIA, DON'T!
- I WAS JOKING, DAD.
- WAS THIS GREEN ONE
ALWAYS HERE?
- THE MAN WHO RESCUED DONNA
THAT SNOWY CHRISTMAS EVE
WAS NO ORDINARY
ROADSIDE MECHANIC.
THE AUTHORITIES HAVE NO RECORD
OF HIS EXISTENCE,
BUT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING FIXED
THE FLAT TIRE
ON HER SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE.
TO THIS DAY, DONNA BELIEVES
IT WAS A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
- [sniffling]
- TOO BAD THE ANGEL DIDN'T FIX
DONNA'S BRAKES
BEFORE SHE FLATTENED THAT FAMILY
IN THE HATCHBACK.
- YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN, DARIA.
THERE ARE SOME MYSTERIES THAT
ARE JUST BEYOND OUR KNOWLEDGE.
- LIKE THE FACT THAT THE HUMAN
EGO IS BLOATED ENOUGH TO BELIEVE
THE FORCE THAT CREATED
THE UNIVERSE
GIVES A CRAP ABOUT OUR BLOWOUTS.
- YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT
IF YOUR LIFE
WERE TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.
- I'D BE TOO BUSY SUING
FOR HARASSMENT.
- DARIA, DON'T EVEN
JOKE LIKE THAT.
ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE.
THEY CAN HEAR YOU.
- THEN I'M GOING TO MY ROOM
SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT YOU
BEHIND YOUR BACK.
- SOME PEOPLE JUST WON'T LISTEN
TO LOGIC.
- ALL RIGHT.
WHY DID THE SOOTHSAYER
TELL CAESAR
TO BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH?
WHO WANTS TO TAKE A STAB?
[chuckles]
KEVIN?
- BECAUSE THE IDES
WERE GONNA DO
SOMETHING MEAN TO HIM?
- THE IDES AREN'T PEOPLE.
THEY'RE A TIME OF THE MONTH.
- EW, GROSS!
WELL, THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.
[bell rings]
- OH, CLASS, BEFORE WE GO,
BRITTANY HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT
TO MAKE.
- I JUST WANTED TO TELL EVERYONE
THAT MY DAD AND STEPMOM
ARE THROWING A PARTY
FOR ME SATURDAY
FOR GETTING A "C" -MINUS AVERAGE
LAST SEMESTER.
THERE'S GONNA BE A BAND,
AND EVERYONE'S INVITED,
EVEN THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLE.
- OH, STOP.
- ALL RIGHT!
YEAH!
- THANK YOU, BRITTANY.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE
I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS.
- EEP!
- I'M TELLING YOU,
THESE LYRICS ARE INTENSE.
- "THE UNIVERSE IS A COLD,
COLD PLACE,
"BLACK AND BLEAK
LIKE OUTER SPACE.
"THE WINDCHILL DROPS
BELOW SUBZERO.
IT'S NOT NO TIME
TO BE A HERO"?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
HOW CAN THE TEMPERATURE DROP
BELOW SUBZERO?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
"SUBZERO" MEANS "BELOW ZERO."
- THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
IF SUBZERO IS ALREADY
BELOW ZERO,
THEN HOW CAN IT BE
BELOW SUBZERO?
- WELL, THAT'S EVEN COLDER.
- BUT EVEN IF IT'S COLDER,
THAT'S STILL SUBZERO.
- YEAH.
BUT, TRENT, IT'S THE WINDCHILL.
- HMM.
I'M JUST NOT SURE HIGH SCHOOLERS
ARE MATURE ENOUGH
TO APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
- HIGH SCHOOLERS?
- YEAH, WE GOT A GIG
THIS WEEKEND
AT A HIGH SCHOOL PARTY.
UGH.
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
I'M BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, TRENT.
UNLESS YOU SUDDENLY
FIND YOURSELF
DOING ALGEBRA PROBLEMS,
I THINK YOU'RE SAFE.
- ALGEBRA?
EW!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS BRITTANY'S PARTY?
- YOU GUYS SHOULD COME.
- WE COULD USE
THE MORAL SUPPORT.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT THE SUPPORT
WILL BE AMORAL, AT BEST.
- BACK FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE,
AND HE STILL WON'T
PAY CHILD SUPPORT.
UNDEAD DEADBEAT DADS,
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT TO HOOK UP
BEFORE THE "C" -MINUS FEST,
HERE OR YOUR HOUSE?
- UM, EXCUSE ME?
BUT I BELIEVE GOING
TO MIND-NUMBING PARTIES
FALLS UNDER THE JOB DESCRIPTION
OF BOYFRIENDS.
- I'M GIVING TOM THE NIGHT OFF.
I WANT TO SPEND SOME
TIME WITH YOU.
- UH-HUH.
HOW LONG'S HE OUT OF TOWN?
- A WEEK.
I HEARD MR. TAYLOR ADDED
A FAUX ALLIGATOR CARPET
ON THE STAIRS.
A BIG PURPLE PAINTING
OF A SAFARI AT SUNSET.
[sighs]
TOO BAD.
QUINN WOULD BE MORTIFIED
IF YOU WERE THERE.
- ONE SET, THEN I'M GONE.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
- SPIRIT?
- SORRY.
- OH!
LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE,
LET ME SEE!
- BACK OFF, WOMAN.
THIS THING'S
PRACTICALLY CRYSTAL,
AND IF IT HITS THE PAVEMENT,
THAT'S A BIG SAYONARA
TO A HUNDRED CLAMS.
ALL RIGHT,
NOW GET A LOAD OF THIS.
- [gasps]
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- LOOK AT THE "C," IN HONOR
OF BRITTANY'S GRADES.
NOTICE ANY MINUS?
NO, YOU DON'T.
FIGURED THE KID'S EARNED
A LITTLE UPGRADE.
I MEAN, WHO'S COUNTING, RIGHT?
[laughs jovially]
- I WANT A PRESENT!
I WANT A PRESENT!
- DOWN, BRIAN, DOWN.
- I WANT A PARTY TOO!
- YOU JUST GOT ONE LAST MONTH,
REMEMBER?
I TOOK 20 OF YOUR DAMN FRIENDS
TO THE BALL GAME,
SPENT 50 BUCKS
ON CORN DOGS ALONE.
- CORN DOGS SUCK!
- WHAT?
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE,
YOU LITTLE TURD!
- [screaming]
- HEY, GET AWAY FROM THAT CAR!
- [screaming]
- WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
SO THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT A MALE PLUG.
- WHERE'S QUINN?
- I WARNED YOU.
REMOVE THOSE DAY-GLO ARROWS
FROM THE FLOOR,
AND SHE GETS ALL CONFUSED.
- QUINN, IS THAT A BOOK
YOU'VE GOT?
- SORRY TO GIVE AWAY
THE SURPRISE,
BUT IN THE END,
HE EATS THE GREEN EGGS
AND THE HAM.
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I'M READING
ABOUT REAL-LIFE PEOPLE
WHO HAVE HAD ENCOUNTERS
WITH GUARDIAN ANGELS.
- OH, I KNOW THAT BOOK:
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE STUPID.
- I JUST FINISHED A STORY
ABOUT A FAMILY WHOSE HOUSE
CAUGHT ON FIRE,
AND THE CAT SAVED
THEIR BABY'S LIFE.
- TECHNICALLY,
THAT'S A GUARDIAN CAT.
- YOU KNOW, I WANTED A CAT
WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
BUT MY FATHER
NEVER LET ME HAVE ONE.
"DOGS ARE FOR BOYS.
CATS ARE FOR GIRLS."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?
I DIDN'T WANT A DOG, OKAY?
- OH, MY.
AREN'T THOSE DIAGRAMS
FASCINATING?
- YEAH!
- QUINN, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT YOU'RE DISCOVERING
YOUR SPIRITUAL SIDE.
- THANKS.
I THINK I'M VERY SPIRITUAL.
- YES, YOU TAKE AFTER
YOUR MOTHER IN THAT.
- YOU WORK 14-HOUR DAYS
HELPING GIANT CORPORATIONS
FIND LOOPHOLES TO SKIM
ON THEIR TAXES.
- SEE, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF:
"HELPING."
THAT'S SPIRITUAL.
- UGH.
- IT'S OKAY, MOM.
DARIA JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND,
BECAUSE SHE'S SO UNSPIRITUAL.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL FINISH
DINNER IN MY ROOM.
I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED.
- TOO LATE.
[loud creaking]
crash!
- DAMN IT, MY FIXTURE!
- OH, QUINN,
THAT JUST MISSED YOU.
- I MEAN, YEAH!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE?
- OH, MY GOSH.
IF I HADN'T GOTTEN UP
AT JUST THAT SECOND,
THAT WOULD HAVE HIT MY HEAD.
- OR SOMETHING VITAL.
- SOMEONE OR SOMETHING
TOLD ME TO GET OUT
OF THAT CHAIR.
DON'T YOU SEE?
THIS IS PROOF THAT I HAVE
A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
AND THEN SOMETHING JUST PULLED
ME OUT OF MY CHAIR
SECONDS BEFORE THAT LIGHT
CAME CRASHING DOWN.
- WOW, A REAL LIVE MIRACLE.
- LIKE IN THAT MOVIE
ABOUT THE BIBLE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE MISS BARCH
BANNED PHONES IN STUDY HALL.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
IN THERE FOR AN HOUR?
- EEE!
YOUR SWEATER!
- ISN'T IT RUDE WHEN PEOPLE
TRY TO PRETEND
THEY DON'T LIKE SOMETHING
YOU'RE WEARING,
BECAUSE THEY'RE SECRETLY
JEALOUS?
- NO, SANDY.
I ALMOST BOUGHT
THAT EXACT SAME SWEATER,
BUT SOMETHING TOLD ME NOT TO.
- COULD THAT SOMETHING
BE A MIRROR?
BECAUSE A SWEATER LIKE THIS
ONLY LOOKS GOOD ON A VERY TALL
AND LEAN FIGURE.
- NO, NO, NO.
MY GUARDIAN ANGEL TOLD ME
NOT TO GET THE SWEATER.
HE KNEW YOU ALREADY HAD IT.
- YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL IS A GUY?
- I THINK SO.
I MEAN, WHENEVER I TALK TO HIM
ABOUT LOW-FAT YOGURT FLAVORS,
HE SEEMS VERY DETACHED.
- QUINN, MAYBE YOU'D
BETTER STOP
PUTTING YOUR COATS
IN STORAGE
UNTIL WE KNOW MORE ABOUT
THE EFFECTS OF MOTHBALL FUMES
ON THE HUMAN BRAIN.
- NO, SANDY.
QUINN REALLY DOES HAVE
A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
- HE SAVED HER LIFE.
- AND HE FOUND THIS EARRING
I WAS MISSING SINCE
LAST SEPTEMBER.
- BUT IF A GUARDIAN ANGEL
IS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU,
WHY WOULD HE FIND
AN EARRING THAT'S SO '80s?
- GEE, SANDY,
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
- YEAH.
IT'S RELEVANT.
- I GUESS THERE
ARE SOME MYSTERIES
THAT ARE JUST BEYOND
OUR KNOWLEDGE.
- GUARDIAN ANGEL, HUH?
- AT LEAST HE DOESN'T
LEAVE THE MILK OUT
LIKE WHEN THE TRIX RABBIT
WAS STAYING WITH US.
- I GUESS I CAN COUNT YOU
AMONG THE SKEPTICS.
- LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.
IN MY SPIRITUAL UNIVERSE,
IF THERE ARE
GUARDIAN ANGELS,
THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU
LEAVE THE HOUSE IN CLOGS.
- AND THEN MR. DEMARTINO
ASKED ME FOR THE ANSWER,
SO I STALLED AND SAID,
"HMM, LET ME SEE,
ROOSEVELT'S BIG DEAL,
ROOSEVELT'S BIG DEAL."
AND THEN HE SAID,
"NEVER MIND!
HOW ABOUT YOU, COREY?"
[all gasp]
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
SOMEONE KNEW
I HADN'T DONE MY HOMEWORK
AND WAS MAKING SURE
I DIDN'T GET CAUGHT.
- YEAH, GUARDIAN ANGEL, COOL!
- QUINN IS SO DESPERATE
FOR ATTENTION.
- IT'S SAD, REALLY.
- I WISH I HAD
QUINN'S GUARDIAN ANGEL.
MINE'S JUST THIS
CREEPY OLD AUNT
WHO'S GONNA TAKE ME IN
IF MY PARENTS DIE.
SHE SMELLS.
- STUPID!
THAT'S A GODMOTHER.
A GUARDIAN ANGEL'S
LIKE THIS DUDE
WHO FOLLOWS YOU AROUND
AND MAKES SURE YOU DON'T
GET INTO TROUBLE.
- OH, LIKE A PAROLE OFFICER.
- SO YOU MEAN
HE FOLLOWS HER EVERYWHERE?
- YEAH, SURE.
- EVEN IN THE SHOWER?
- THAT PERVERT!
- HE'S WAY TOO OLD FOR HER.
- WE SHOULD KICK HIS BUTT.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU'RE MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL
OUT OF THIS, QUINN.
I MEAN,
I HAVE A GUARDIAN ANGEL TOO.
I JUST DON'T BRAG
ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
- REALLY?
THAT'S GREAT, SANDY!
WHAT KINDS OF THINGS
DOES HE DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, TODAY IN THE CAFETERIA,
MY ANGEL TOLD ME TO HAVE
THE RASPBERRY VINAIGRETTE
DRESSING,
BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE
MY HAIR EXTRA LUMINOUS.
- I HAD THE SAME DRESSING.
I WONDER IF MY HAIR
WILL GET MORE LUMINOUS.
- IT DIDN'T.
- OH.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS
EAT SALAD
WITH VINAIGRETTE DRESSING.
- I'M SORRY, QUINN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL MY ANGEL
TO STOP BEING SO CONSISTENT.
- SANDY,
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- UH, I GOT TO GO.
- OH, I FEEL REALLY SICK.
- ME TOO.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
I FEEL FINE.
- I THINK IT WAS
THE SALAD DRESSING.
- SOMEONE OR SOMETHING STOPPED
ME FROM EATING THAT DRESSING.
- I DIDN'T HAVE IT EITHER,
BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE
I'M GONNA BE SICK.
- THANKS FOR TAKING ME SHOPPING
FOR MY PARTY, ASHLEY-AMBER.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I LOVE MALLS.
THEY PLAY SUCH HAPPY MUSIC.
- AND THEY LET YOU
TRY ON THINGS.
- HOW DO YOU THINK
THEY MAKE GLITTER?
- HMM.
I DON'T THINK WE LEARNED
THAT YET IN SCIENCE.
- CAN I HELP YOU, LADIES?
- YES.
HOW DO THEY MAKE GLITTER?
- WHY, THEY CAPTURE
A MOONBEAM AND CRUMBLE IT UP
INTO TINY LITTLE SPECKS
OF MAGIC.
- THEN WE CAN SAVE
A BUNCH OF MONEY
BY DOING THAT OURSELVES.
- ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE?
- YOU KNOW,
THE NEIGHBORS CAN SEE YOU
READING THAT
THROUGH THE WINDOWS.
- I WANTED TO SEE WHAT
YOUR SISTER'S SO EXCITED ABOUT.
- WHY?
- OH, DARIA.
MUST YOU BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE?
- YOU'RE READING A BOOK
ABOUT CATS WITH WINGS.
- ALL RIGHT, SOME OF THE STORIES
ARE A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.
- CARRYING AN AMPUTATED
ANIMAL FOOT FOR GOOD LUCK
IS FAR-FETCHED.
CELESTIAL MIDDLE MANAGERS
CHANGING THE COURSE
OF HUMAN EVENTS IS LUDICROUS.
- OKAY, GUARDIAN ANGELS
AREN'T FOR YOU, OBVIOUSLY.
BUT WHAT'S THE HARM IN QUINN
THINKING SOMEONE SPECIAL
IS LOOKING OUT FOR HER?
- LIKE A HEAVENLY
PERSONAL SHOPPER?
- DARIA, WHY DOES THIS
BOTHER YOU SO MUCH?
- [screaming]
- SOMEONE JUST MIXED FALL
AND SPRING FASHIONS.
- MOM, MOM, I TOOK MY NEW JEANS
OUT OF THE LAUNDRY,
AND THEY HAVE BLACK GUNK
ALL OVER THEM.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
- HAS ANYONE SEEN
MY ELECTRICAL TAPE?
- I THINK YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
FORGOT TO CHECK
DAD'S PANTS POCKETS.
- WHY?
WHY WOULD MY ANGEL
JUST DESERT ME LIKE THIS?
- MAYBE THE NEXT BOOK YOU READ
SHOULD BE
WHEN MILDLY INCONVENIENT THINGS
HAPPEN TO SHALLOW PEOPLE.
- AW, YOU CAN STILL WEAR THESE.
THERE'S ONLY A COUPLE OF STAINS.
- DAD, I'M NOT DARIA.
- JAKE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER
YOU'LL REPLACE THE JEANS,
SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO RUINED THEM?
- [sighs]
ALL RIGHT, HERE.
- YOU CAN'T BUY PANTS FOR $20.
- [sighs]
- HEY, WHY CAN'T I GET MONEY
FOR NEW JEANS?
- YOU DON'T WEAR JEANS.
- WELL, THEN I NEED MONEY
SO I CAN BRIBE A DEAD GUY
TO BE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL.
- JAKE, GIVE THEM EACH $50,
AND DON'T NEGOTIATE.
- [grumbling]
- SO THERE WAS A REASON
FOR THIS AFTER ALL.
THANK YOU.
- THERE'S NO COMMISSION
INVOLVED HERE, IS THERE?
[distorted rock guitar]
- SEE, MAX,
SUBZERO ISN'T ONE NUMBER.
IT'S ALL THE NUMBERS BELOW ZERO.
- SO WHAT?
- SO THE TEMPERATURE
CAN'T GET BELOW SUBZERO,
BECAUSE NO MATTER
HOW LOW IT GETS,
IT'S STILL PART
OF THE SUBZERO SET.
- SET?
HEY, ISN'T THAT LIKE ALGEBRA?
- OH, MAN.
DAMN IT.
SOUND CHECK.
[guitar reverberating]
[crystal tinkling]
[crystal shattering]
UM, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TURN IT DOWN A LITTLE.
- AND NOW MY ONCE RATIONAL
MOTHER IS TELLING ME
I SHOULD RESPECT
QUINN'S BELIEFS.
- HMM, I SUPPOSE THE EARTH
COULD BE FLAT.
- EVEN THAT WOULD
MAKE MORE SENSE.
I MEAN, WATCH THE BLOODSHED
ON THE EVENING NEWS
AND THEN TELL ME
THERE ARE GUARDIAN ANGELS.
- WELL, SOMEONE'S KEEPING THOSE
DICTATORS IN COMBAT BOOTS.
- OH, COME ON.
- YOU KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?
YOU'RE AFRAID THAT IT'S TRUE,
THAT THE QUINNS OF THE WORLD
FIT IN SO WELL
BECAUSE SOMETHING
REALLY IS LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.
EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY
BEEN DECIDED.
THEY WIN, YOU LOSE,
AND WHAT YOU DO
DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE THE END IS FIXED.
SO WHY EVEN BOTHER?
GOD, I'M DEPRESSED.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'D BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.
- KEEP MOVING, MORGENDORFFER.
[random guitar tones]
♪ ♪
- HEY, WE'RE MYSTIK SPIRAL,
AND WE'RE TO HONOR
BRITTANY TAYLOR,
'CAUSE EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
- WHAT DID THEY CALL ME?
- THEY...
- THEY'RE CUTE.
- YEAH!
Together: OOO!
- ♪ YOU PUT ME A SHORT LEASH ♪
♪ AND THREW AWAY MY HYDRANT ♪
♪ YOU ATE UP ALL MY KIBBLE ♪
♪ NOW MY COAT'S
NO LONGER VIBRANT ♪
♪ MY NOSE IS DRY AND CHAPPED ♪
♪ BUT THIS PUPPY'S
HERE TO STAY ♪
♪ SCRATCH MY BELLY, BABY ♪
♪ EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY ♪
♪ AROO! ♪
- [barking]
♪ ♪
- I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE SEEN
YOUR FAIR FIGURE
GRACING THE HALLS
OF LAWNDALE HIGH.
- OH, I DON'T GO
TO YOUR SCHOOL.
I'M...
- AH, THEN ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
CHARLES RUTTHEIMER III.
- I'M ASHLEY-AMBER.
- AND MAY I BE THE FIRST
TO PUT THE LEGEND
OF MY AMOROUS EXPLOITS TO REST.
I'M ACTUALLY QUITE SENSITIVE
TO THE SECRET MOST STIRRINGS
OF YOUR HEART.
- I'M BRITTANY'S STEPMOM.
- STEPMOM?
AN OLDER WOMAN,
A YOUNGER, WILLING MAN.
DO I DARE TO DREAM?
PLEASE, DON'T BE GENTLE.
HUH?
OH, ASHLEY-AMBER.
ASHLEY-AMBER.
- SO DO YOU THINK
THAT GUARDIAN ANGEL DUDE
IS HERE?
- OF COURSE HE IS.
LOOK AROUND FOR AN OLD GUY.
- THERE HE IS!
- DUDE, THAT'S MR. O'NEILL.
- DON'T YOU GET IT?
THEY TAKE HUMAN FORM
WHEN THEY COME TO EARTH.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS DEMONS
WHO DO THAT.
- NO, THAT'S ALIENS, DOOFUS.
- COME ON, WE GOT TO
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM QUINN.
- WHERE'D YOU GET THE SODA,
QUINN?
- OH, COREY BROUGHT...
UM, OVER THERE.
- YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING.
IF PEOPLE IN REALLY POOR
COUNTRIES CAN'T GET FOOD,
DOES THAT MEAN THEY CAN'T GET
DIET SODA EITHER?
- BUT THEN HOW DO THEY
STAY THIN?
- STACY, YOU WERE WHAT?
- NOTHING.
- COME BACK HERE!
- I WANT A PARTY TOO!
I WANT A PARTY TOO!
- EEK!
- I'LL GIVE YOU
A BUTT-KICKING PARTY,
YOU LITTLE BRAT.
- MY NEW NEW JEANS.
- GEE, QUINN, I HOPE NO ONE
THINKS YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.
- [gasps]
- BRR.
- YEAH, THAT'S SO HUMILIATING.
YOU JUST WANT TO DIE,
I IMAGINE.
- MAYBE YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
BETTER GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME,
THAT IS,
IF HE HASN'T DESERTED YOU.
- NO, HE'D NEVER DO THAT.
HE'S PROBABLY JUST TESTING ME.
- WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
WHY DON'T WE STEP OUTSIDE?
- RELINQUISH OUR ROLES
AS EDUCATOR AND STUDENT
AND SEIZE THE CHANCE TO HANG OUT
AS JUST PLAIN FRIENDS?
THAT'S GREAT, JOEY.
- HE IS AN ALIEN.
- NO, I'M NOT, JEFFY.
BUT I UNDERSTAND
THAT TO AN ADOLESCENT,
GROWN-UPS CAN SEEM ALIENATING
AT TIMES.
NOW LET'S HEAD OUTSIDE AND RAP.
THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
[laughs]
- GEE, I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING
YOU GUYS BEFORE.
ARE YOU FRIENDS OF BRITTANY?
- BRITTANY?
- YOU KNOW, THE PERSON
FOR WHOM THIS PARTY IS FOR.
- PARTY?
- YES, PARTY FOR BRITTANY,
'CAUSE SHE'S BECOME
AN HONOR STUDENT.
- BRITTANY?
- THANK YOU.
WE'RE, UM...
NEVER MIND WHO WE ARE.
MR. TAYLOR WANTS
TO SAY SOMETHING.
[cheers and applause]
- HEY, KIDS.
WE HAVE A LITTLE PRESENT
FOR BRITTANY
TO SHOW HER HOW PROUD WE ARE.
BRING IT OUT, ASHLEY-AMBER.
BRITTANY, BABY, THIS IS FOR YOU.
- OH, DADDY, THANK YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
- BABE, IT'S A HAT.
- NO, IT'S A BULLHORN.
YOU KNOW, FOR CHEERLEADING.
GENUINE NEAR CRYSTAL.
BORROWED AGAIN
FROM BRIAN'S COLLEGE FUND,
BUT YOU'RE WORTH IT.
- OOO!
[applause]
- HEY, YOU'RE LEANING
ON THE MIXING BOARD.
[glass shattering]
MY BULLHORN!
- SORRY.
I'LL BUY A NEW ONE.
I PROMISE.
- SOME GUARDIAN ANGEL.
HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP YOU
FROM DESTROYING THAT ITEM.
- I... I...
OH, WHERE'S MY ANGEL?
[sobbing]
- I GUESS NOW
ISN'T THE BEST TIME
TO BREAK THE NEWS
ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY.
- BUT AESTHETICS ALONE
DON'T ACCOUNT
FOR THE SILO'S ROUND SHAPE.
YOU SEE, IF AIR POCKETS...
- QUINN?
YOU'RE WATCHING
AN EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM.
- MM, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
MY ANGEL'S GONE.
- MAYBE HE'S JUST STUCK
IN THE ENGINE OF A JUMBO JET.
- RIGHT.
YOU KNOW,
I KNOW GUARDIAN ANGELS
SOUND LIKE A DUMB IDEA.
BUT ONCE I STARTED BELIEVING
IN THEM,
IT FELT REALLY NICE,
LIKE THERE WAS SOMEONE PUT HERE
JUST TO DO THINGS FOR ME.
- YOU MEAN, BESIDES THE ENTIRE
MALE POPULATION
OF LAWNDALE HIGH?
- IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
DARIA, YOU'RE SMART, RIGHT?
- WELL, I'M NO BRITTANY TAYLOR.
BUT THE OCCASIONAL
ELECTRIC IMPULSE
DOES SHOOT THROUGH MY BRAIN.
- SO IF THERE
ARE NO GUARDIAN ANGELS,
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
- I GUESS I BELIEVE
IN TREATING PEOPLE
THE WAY YOU'D WANT
TO BE TREATED.
- BUT THERE'S NOTHING
WATCHING OVER US,
NOTHING KEEPING TRACK?
- WELL, THERE'S THE IRS
AND THOSE GUYS
WITH THE BLACK HELICOPTERS.
QUINN, UNTIL I SEE
SOME PRETTY CONVINCING EVIDENCE
TO THE CONTRARY,
I THINK WE'RE ON OUR OWN.
- BUT... BUT THAT'S SO SAD.
- THEN AGAIN,
I DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF
THAT THERE ISN'T
SOMETHING OUT THERE.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BULLHORN?
- MAYBE THE ANGEL DIDN'T THINK
SAVING AN OVERPRICED,
UNDESERVED KNICKKNACK
WAS THE MOST EFFICIENT USE
OF HIS TIME.
- YEAH.
MAYBE ANGELS ONLY
GET INVOLVED
WITH REALLY BIG STUFF.
HE WAS PROBABLY PLAYING
HIS STRING THING
WHEN THE BULLHORN BROKE
AND DIDN'T EVEN HEAR IT.
THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
- I THINK WHAT MAKES SENSE
IS TO BELIEVE WHATEVER
MAKES YOU FEEL BEST.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA STOP RELYING
ON MY ANGEL SO MUCH
FOR LITTLE THINGS
AND LET HIM DO
HIS IMPORTANT STUFF
AND JUST KNOW
THAT IF I NEED HIM
FOR ANYTHING
REALLY CRITICAL
LIKE A COMPLEXION CRISIS
OR AN UNANTICIPATED WEIGHT GAIN,
HE'LL BE THERE.
THANKS, DARIA.
- DON'T MENTION IT.
- QUINN SEEMS
TO BE DOING BETTER.
- DON'T BLAME ME.
I TRIED TO MAKE HER CRY.
- I THINK IT'S VERY SWEET
WHEN SOMEONE PUTS ASIDE
HER OWN STRONG FEELINGS
JUST TO COMFORT SOMEONE ELSE.
- "SWEET"?
OFFICER, YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG GUY.
- OKAY, DARIA.
WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL BEST.
- AND THEN BRADLEY SAID,
"WELL, IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY
FOR A REAL DATE,
HOW ABOUT A CYBER DATE?"
AND I SAID,
"NOT UNTIL THEY INVENT
CYBER FRENCH RESTAURANTS,
BUSTER."
[laughing]
I SAID "BUSTER."
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
- NO.
- THAT'S JUST SO FUNNY.
- LITTLE MISS SPIRITUAL CRISIS
SEEMS TO HAVE RECOVERED
FROM LOSING HER ANGEL.
- YEAH, I KNEW HER SUFFERING
WOULDN'T LAST.
- THE GOOD TIMES NEVER DO.
- WELL, AT LEAST WE GOT TO SEE
A GROWN MAN
TRY TO MAKE A BULLHORN
FROM A PILE OF BROKEN GLASS.
- AND I GOT TO MEET
AMBER-ASHLEY.
- YOU MEAN ASHLEY-AMBER.
- RIGHT.
HOW IS IT THAT SHE LOOKS
AND ACTS
EXACTLY THE SAME AGE
AS HER OWN STEPDAUGHTER?
- HEY, THERE ARE SOME MYSTERIES
THAT ARE JUST BEYOND
OUR KNOWLEDGE.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
- DAMN IT!
WHERE DOES IT SAY
WHICH WIRE IS WHICH?
- MAYBE A LITTLE LIGHT
WOULD MAKE THINGS EASIER.
- NO, DARIA, DON'T!
- I WAS JOKING, DAD.
- WAS THIS GREEN ONE
ALWAYS HERE?
- THE MAN WHO RESCUED DONNA
THAT SNOWY CHRISTMAS EVE
WAS NO ORDINARY
ROADSIDE MECHANIC.
THE AUTHORITIES HAVE NO RECORD
OF HIS EXISTENCE,
BUT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING FIXED
THE FLAT TIRE
ON HER SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE.
TO THIS DAY, DONNA BELIEVES
IT WAS A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
- [sniffling]
- TOO BAD THE ANGEL DIDN'T FIX
DONNA'S BRAKES
BEFORE SHE FLATTENED THAT FAMILY
IN THE HATCHBACK.
- YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN, DARIA.
THERE ARE SOME MYSTERIES THAT
ARE JUST BEYOND OUR KNOWLEDGE.
- LIKE THE FACT THAT THE HUMAN
EGO IS BLOATED ENOUGH TO BELIEVE
THE FORCE THAT CREATED
THE UNIVERSE
GIVES A CRAP ABOUT OUR BLOWOUTS.
- YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT
IF YOUR LIFE
WERE TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.
- I'D BE TOO BUSY SUING
FOR HARASSMENT.
- DARIA, DON'T EVEN
JOKE LIKE THAT.
ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE.
THEY CAN HEAR YOU.
- THEN I'M GOING TO MY ROOM
SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT YOU
BEHIND YOUR BACK.
- SOME PEOPLE JUST WON'T LISTEN
TO LOGIC.
- ALL RIGHT.
WHY DID THE SOOTHSAYER
TELL CAESAR
TO BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH?
WHO WANTS TO TAKE A STAB?
[chuckles]
KEVIN?
- BECAUSE THE IDES
WERE GONNA DO
SOMETHING MEAN TO HIM?
- THE IDES AREN'T PEOPLE.
THEY'RE A TIME OF THE MONTH.
- EW, GROSS!
WELL, THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.
[bell rings]
- OH, CLASS, BEFORE WE GO,
BRITTANY HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT
TO MAKE.
- I JUST WANTED TO TELL EVERYONE
THAT MY DAD AND STEPMOM
ARE THROWING A PARTY
FOR ME SATURDAY
FOR GETTING A "C" -MINUS AVERAGE
LAST SEMESTER.
THERE'S GONNA BE A BAND,
AND EVERYONE'S INVITED,
EVEN THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLE.
- OH, STOP.
- ALL RIGHT!
YEAH!
- THANK YOU, BRITTANY.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE
I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS.
- EEP!
- I'M TELLING YOU,
THESE LYRICS ARE INTENSE.
- "THE UNIVERSE IS A COLD,
COLD PLACE,
"BLACK AND BLEAK
LIKE OUTER SPACE.
"THE WINDCHILL DROPS
BELOW SUBZERO.
IT'S NOT NO TIME
TO BE A HERO"?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
HOW CAN THE TEMPERATURE DROP
BELOW SUBZERO?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
"SUBZERO" MEANS "BELOW ZERO."
- THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
IF SUBZERO IS ALREADY
BELOW ZERO,
THEN HOW CAN IT BE
BELOW SUBZERO?
- WELL, THAT'S EVEN COLDER.
- BUT EVEN IF IT'S COLDER,
THAT'S STILL SUBZERO.
- YEAH.
BUT, TRENT, IT'S THE WINDCHILL.
- HMM.
I'M JUST NOT SURE HIGH SCHOOLERS
ARE MATURE ENOUGH
TO APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
- HIGH SCHOOLERS?
- YEAH, WE GOT A GIG
THIS WEEKEND
AT A HIGH SCHOOL PARTY.
UGH.
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
I'M BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, TRENT.
UNLESS YOU SUDDENLY
FIND YOURSELF
DOING ALGEBRA PROBLEMS,
I THINK YOU'RE SAFE.
- ALGEBRA?
EW!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS BRITTANY'S PARTY?
- YOU GUYS SHOULD COME.
- WE COULD USE
THE MORAL SUPPORT.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT THE SUPPORT
WILL BE AMORAL, AT BEST.
- BACK FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE,
AND HE STILL WON'T
PAY CHILD SUPPORT.
UNDEAD DEADBEAT DADS,
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT TO HOOK UP
BEFORE THE "C" -MINUS FEST,
HERE OR YOUR HOUSE?
- UM, EXCUSE ME?
BUT I BELIEVE GOING
TO MIND-NUMBING PARTIES
FALLS UNDER THE JOB DESCRIPTION
OF BOYFRIENDS.
- I'M GIVING TOM THE NIGHT OFF.
I WANT TO SPEND SOME
TIME WITH YOU.
- UH-HUH.
HOW LONG'S HE OUT OF TOWN?
- A WEEK.
I HEARD MR. TAYLOR ADDED
A FAUX ALLIGATOR CARPET
ON THE STAIRS.
A BIG PURPLE PAINTING
OF A SAFARI AT SUNSET.
[sighs]
TOO BAD.
QUINN WOULD BE MORTIFIED
IF YOU WERE THERE.
- ONE SET, THEN I'M GONE.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
- SPIRIT?
- SORRY.
- OH!
LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE,
LET ME SEE!
- BACK OFF, WOMAN.
THIS THING'S
PRACTICALLY CRYSTAL,
AND IF IT HITS THE PAVEMENT,
THAT'S A BIG SAYONARA
TO A HUNDRED CLAMS.
ALL RIGHT,
NOW GET A LOAD OF THIS.
- [gasps]
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- LOOK AT THE "C," IN HONOR
OF BRITTANY'S GRADES.
NOTICE ANY MINUS?
NO, YOU DON'T.
FIGURED THE KID'S EARNED
A LITTLE UPGRADE.
I MEAN, WHO'S COUNTING, RIGHT?
[laughs jovially]
- I WANT A PRESENT!
I WANT A PRESENT!
- DOWN, BRIAN, DOWN.
- I WANT A PARTY TOO!
- YOU JUST GOT ONE LAST MONTH,
REMEMBER?
I TOOK 20 OF YOUR DAMN FRIENDS
TO THE BALL GAME,
SPENT 50 BUCKS
ON CORN DOGS ALONE.
- CORN DOGS SUCK!
- WHAT?
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE,
YOU LITTLE TURD!
- [screaming]
- HEY, GET AWAY FROM THAT CAR!
- [screaming]
- WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
SO THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT A MALE PLUG.
- WHERE'S QUINN?
- I WARNED YOU.
REMOVE THOSE DAY-GLO ARROWS
FROM THE FLOOR,
AND SHE GETS ALL CONFUSED.
- QUINN, IS THAT A BOOK
YOU'VE GOT?
- SORRY TO GIVE AWAY
THE SURPRISE,
BUT IN THE END,
HE EATS THE GREEN EGGS
AND THE HAM.
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I'M READING
ABOUT REAL-LIFE PEOPLE
WHO HAVE HAD ENCOUNTERS
WITH GUARDIAN ANGELS.
- OH, I KNOW THAT BOOK:
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE STUPID.
- I JUST FINISHED A STORY
ABOUT A FAMILY WHOSE HOUSE
CAUGHT ON FIRE,
AND THE CAT SAVED
THEIR BABY'S LIFE.
- TECHNICALLY,
THAT'S A GUARDIAN CAT.
- YOU KNOW, I WANTED A CAT
WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
BUT MY FATHER
NEVER LET ME HAVE ONE.
"DOGS ARE FOR BOYS.
CATS ARE FOR GIRLS."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?
I DIDN'T WANT A DOG, OKAY?
- OH, MY.
AREN'T THOSE DIAGRAMS
FASCINATING?
- YEAH!
- QUINN, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT YOU'RE DISCOVERING
YOUR SPIRITUAL SIDE.
- THANKS.
I THINK I'M VERY SPIRITUAL.
- YES, YOU TAKE AFTER
YOUR MOTHER IN THAT.
- YOU WORK 14-HOUR DAYS
HELPING GIANT CORPORATIONS
FIND LOOPHOLES TO SKIM
ON THEIR TAXES.
- SEE, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF:
"HELPING."
THAT'S SPIRITUAL.
- UGH.
- IT'S OKAY, MOM.
DARIA JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND,
BECAUSE SHE'S SO UNSPIRITUAL.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL FINISH
DINNER IN MY ROOM.
I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED.
- TOO LATE.
[loud creaking]
crash!
- DAMN IT, MY FIXTURE!
- OH, QUINN,
THAT JUST MISSED YOU.
- I MEAN, YEAH!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE?
- OH, MY GOSH.
IF I HADN'T GOTTEN UP
AT JUST THAT SECOND,
THAT WOULD HAVE HIT MY HEAD.
- OR SOMETHING VITAL.
- SOMEONE OR SOMETHING
TOLD ME TO GET OUT
OF THAT CHAIR.
DON'T YOU SEE?
THIS IS PROOF THAT I HAVE
A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
AND THEN SOMETHING JUST PULLED
ME OUT OF MY CHAIR
SECONDS BEFORE THAT LIGHT
CAME CRASHING DOWN.
- WOW, A REAL LIVE MIRACLE.
- LIKE IN THAT MOVIE
ABOUT THE BIBLE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE MISS BARCH
BANNED PHONES IN STUDY HALL.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
IN THERE FOR AN HOUR?
- EEE!
YOUR SWEATER!
- ISN'T IT RUDE WHEN PEOPLE
TRY TO PRETEND
THEY DON'T LIKE SOMETHING
YOU'RE WEARING,
BECAUSE THEY'RE SECRETLY
JEALOUS?
- NO, SANDY.
I ALMOST BOUGHT
THAT EXACT SAME SWEATER,
BUT SOMETHING TOLD ME NOT TO.
- COULD THAT SOMETHING
BE A MIRROR?
BECAUSE A SWEATER LIKE THIS
ONLY LOOKS GOOD ON A VERY TALL
AND LEAN FIGURE.
- NO, NO, NO.
MY GUARDIAN ANGEL TOLD ME
NOT TO GET THE SWEATER.
HE KNEW YOU ALREADY HAD IT.
- YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL IS A GUY?
- I THINK SO.
I MEAN, WHENEVER I TALK TO HIM
ABOUT LOW-FAT YOGURT FLAVORS,
HE SEEMS VERY DETACHED.
- QUINN, MAYBE YOU'D
BETTER STOP
PUTTING YOUR COATS
IN STORAGE
UNTIL WE KNOW MORE ABOUT
THE EFFECTS OF MOTHBALL FUMES
ON THE HUMAN BRAIN.
- NO, SANDY.
QUINN REALLY DOES HAVE
A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
- HE SAVED HER LIFE.
- AND HE FOUND THIS EARRING
I WAS MISSING SINCE
LAST SEPTEMBER.
- BUT IF A GUARDIAN ANGEL
IS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU,
WHY WOULD HE FIND
AN EARRING THAT'S SO '80s?
- GEE, SANDY,
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
- YEAH.
IT'S RELEVANT.
- I GUESS THERE
ARE SOME MYSTERIES
THAT ARE JUST BEYOND
OUR KNOWLEDGE.
- GUARDIAN ANGEL, HUH?
- AT LEAST HE DOESN'T
LEAVE THE MILK OUT
LIKE WHEN THE TRIX RABBIT
WAS STAYING WITH US.
- I GUESS I CAN COUNT YOU
AMONG THE SKEPTICS.
- LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.
IN MY SPIRITUAL UNIVERSE,
IF THERE ARE
GUARDIAN ANGELS,
THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU
LEAVE THE HOUSE IN CLOGS.
- AND THEN MR. DEMARTINO
ASKED ME FOR THE ANSWER,
SO I STALLED AND SAID,
"HMM, LET ME SEE,
ROOSEVELT'S BIG DEAL,
ROOSEVELT'S BIG DEAL."
AND THEN HE SAID,
"NEVER MIND!
HOW ABOUT YOU, COREY?"
[all gasp]
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
SOMEONE KNEW
I HADN'T DONE MY HOMEWORK
AND WAS MAKING SURE
I DIDN'T GET CAUGHT.
- YEAH, GUARDIAN ANGEL, COOL!
- QUINN IS SO DESPERATE
FOR ATTENTION.
- IT'S SAD, REALLY.
- I WISH I HAD
QUINN'S GUARDIAN ANGEL.
MINE'S JUST THIS
CREEPY OLD AUNT
WHO'S GONNA TAKE ME IN
IF MY PARENTS DIE.
SHE SMELLS.
- STUPID!
THAT'S A GODMOTHER.
A GUARDIAN ANGEL'S
LIKE THIS DUDE
WHO FOLLOWS YOU AROUND
AND MAKES SURE YOU DON'T
GET INTO TROUBLE.
- OH, LIKE A PAROLE OFFICER.
- SO YOU MEAN
HE FOLLOWS HER EVERYWHERE?
- YEAH, SURE.
- EVEN IN THE SHOWER?
- THAT PERVERT!
- HE'S WAY TOO OLD FOR HER.
- WE SHOULD KICK HIS BUTT.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU'RE MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL
OUT OF THIS, QUINN.
I MEAN,
I HAVE A GUARDIAN ANGEL TOO.
I JUST DON'T BRAG
ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
- REALLY?
THAT'S GREAT, SANDY!
WHAT KINDS OF THINGS
DOES HE DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, TODAY IN THE CAFETERIA,
MY ANGEL TOLD ME TO HAVE
THE RASPBERRY VINAIGRETTE
DRESSING,
BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE
MY HAIR EXTRA LUMINOUS.
- I HAD THE SAME DRESSING.
I WONDER IF MY HAIR
WILL GET MORE LUMINOUS.
- IT DIDN'T.
- OH.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS
EAT SALAD
WITH VINAIGRETTE DRESSING.
- I'M SORRY, QUINN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL MY ANGEL
TO STOP BEING SO CONSISTENT.
- SANDY,
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- UH, I GOT TO GO.
- OH, I FEEL REALLY SICK.
- ME TOO.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
I FEEL FINE.
- I THINK IT WAS
THE SALAD DRESSING.
- SOMEONE OR SOMETHING STOPPED
ME FROM EATING THAT DRESSING.
- I DIDN'T HAVE IT EITHER,
BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE
I'M GONNA BE SICK.
- THANKS FOR TAKING ME SHOPPING
FOR MY PARTY, ASHLEY-AMBER.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I LOVE MALLS.
THEY PLAY SUCH HAPPY MUSIC.
- AND THEY LET YOU
TRY ON THINGS.
- HOW DO YOU THINK
THEY MAKE GLITTER?
- HMM.
I DON'T THINK WE LEARNED
THAT YET IN SCIENCE.
- CAN I HELP YOU, LADIES?
- YES.
HOW DO THEY MAKE GLITTER?
- WHY, THEY CAPTURE
A MOONBEAM AND CRUMBLE IT UP
INTO TINY LITTLE SPECKS
OF MAGIC.
- THEN WE CAN SAVE
A BUNCH OF MONEY
BY DOING THAT OURSELVES.
- ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE?
- YOU KNOW,
THE NEIGHBORS CAN SEE YOU
READING THAT
THROUGH THE WINDOWS.
- I WANTED TO SEE WHAT
YOUR SISTER'S SO EXCITED ABOUT.
- WHY?
- OH, DARIA.
MUST YOU BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE?
- YOU'RE READING A BOOK
ABOUT CATS WITH WINGS.
- ALL RIGHT, SOME OF THE STORIES
ARE A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.
- CARRYING AN AMPUTATED
ANIMAL FOOT FOR GOOD LUCK
IS FAR-FETCHED.
CELESTIAL MIDDLE MANAGERS
CHANGING THE COURSE
OF HUMAN EVENTS IS LUDICROUS.
- OKAY, GUARDIAN ANGELS
AREN'T FOR YOU, OBVIOUSLY.
BUT WHAT'S THE HARM IN QUINN
THINKING SOMEONE SPECIAL
IS LOOKING OUT FOR HER?
- LIKE A HEAVENLY
PERSONAL SHOPPER?
- DARIA, WHY DOES THIS
BOTHER YOU SO MUCH?
- [screaming]
- SOMEONE JUST MIXED FALL
AND SPRING FASHIONS.
- MOM, MOM, I TOOK MY NEW JEANS
OUT OF THE LAUNDRY,
AND THEY HAVE BLACK GUNK
ALL OVER THEM.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
- HAS ANYONE SEEN
MY ELECTRICAL TAPE?
- I THINK YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
FORGOT TO CHECK
DAD'S PANTS POCKETS.
- WHY?
WHY WOULD MY ANGEL
JUST DESERT ME LIKE THIS?
- MAYBE THE NEXT BOOK YOU READ
SHOULD BE
WHEN MILDLY INCONVENIENT THINGS
HAPPEN TO SHALLOW PEOPLE.
- AW, YOU CAN STILL WEAR THESE.
THERE'S ONLY A COUPLE OF STAINS.
- DAD, I'M NOT DARIA.
- JAKE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER
YOU'LL REPLACE THE JEANS,
SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO RUINED THEM?
- [sighs]
ALL RIGHT, HERE.
- YOU CAN'T BUY PANTS FOR $20.
- [sighs]
- HEY, WHY CAN'T I GET MONEY
FOR NEW JEANS?
- YOU DON'T WEAR JEANS.
- WELL, THEN I NEED MONEY
SO I CAN BRIBE A DEAD GUY
TO BE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL.
- JAKE, GIVE THEM EACH $50,
AND DON'T NEGOTIATE.
- [grumbling]
- SO THERE WAS A REASON
FOR THIS AFTER ALL.
THANK YOU.
- THERE'S NO COMMISSION
INVOLVED HERE, IS THERE?
[distorted rock guitar]
- SEE, MAX,
SUBZERO ISN'T ONE NUMBER.
IT'S ALL THE NUMBERS BELOW ZERO.
- SO WHAT?
- SO THE TEMPERATURE
CAN'T GET BELOW SUBZERO,
BECAUSE NO MATTER
HOW LOW IT GETS,
IT'S STILL PART
OF THE SUBZERO SET.
- SET?
HEY, ISN'T THAT LIKE ALGEBRA?
- OH, MAN.
DAMN IT.
SOUND CHECK.
[guitar reverberating]
[crystal tinkling]
[crystal shattering]
UM, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TURN IT DOWN A LITTLE.
- AND NOW MY ONCE RATIONAL
MOTHER IS TELLING ME
I SHOULD RESPECT
QUINN'S BELIEFS.
- HMM, I SUPPOSE THE EARTH
COULD BE FLAT.
- EVEN THAT WOULD
MAKE MORE SENSE.
I MEAN, WATCH THE BLOODSHED
ON THE EVENING NEWS
AND THEN TELL ME
THERE ARE GUARDIAN ANGELS.
- WELL, SOMEONE'S KEEPING THOSE
DICTATORS IN COMBAT BOOTS.
- OH, COME ON.
- YOU KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?
YOU'RE AFRAID THAT IT'S TRUE,
THAT THE QUINNS OF THE WORLD
FIT IN SO WELL
BECAUSE SOMETHING
REALLY IS LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.
EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY
BEEN DECIDED.
THEY WIN, YOU LOSE,
AND WHAT YOU DO
DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE THE END IS FIXED.
SO WHY EVEN BOTHER?
GOD, I'M DEPRESSED.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'D BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.
- KEEP MOVING, MORGENDORFFER.
[random guitar tones]
♪ ♪
- HEY, WE'RE MYSTIK SPIRAL,
AND WE'RE TO HONOR
BRITTANY TAYLOR,
'CAUSE EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
- WHAT DID THEY CALL ME?
- THEY...
- THEY'RE CUTE.
- YEAH!
Together: OOO!
- ♪ YOU PUT ME A SHORT LEASH ♪
♪ AND THREW AWAY MY HYDRANT ♪
♪ YOU ATE UP ALL MY KIBBLE ♪
♪ NOW MY COAT'S
NO LONGER VIBRANT ♪
♪ MY NOSE IS DRY AND CHAPPED ♪
♪ BUT THIS PUPPY'S
HERE TO STAY ♪
♪ SCRATCH MY BELLY, BABY ♪
♪ EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY ♪
♪ AROO! ♪
- [barking]
♪ ♪
- I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE SEEN
YOUR FAIR FIGURE
GRACING THE HALLS
OF LAWNDALE HIGH.
- OH, I DON'T GO
TO YOUR SCHOOL.
I'M...
- AH, THEN ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
CHARLES RUTTHEIMER III.
- I'M ASHLEY-AMBER.
- AND MAY I BE THE FIRST
TO PUT THE LEGEND
OF MY AMOROUS EXPLOITS TO REST.
I'M ACTUALLY QUITE SENSITIVE
TO THE SECRET MOST STIRRINGS
OF YOUR HEART.
- I'M BRITTANY'S STEPMOM.
- STEPMOM?
AN OLDER WOMAN,
A YOUNGER, WILLING MAN.
DO I DARE TO DREAM?
PLEASE, DON'T BE GENTLE.
HUH?
OH, ASHLEY-AMBER.
ASHLEY-AMBER.
- SO DO YOU THINK
THAT GUARDIAN ANGEL DUDE
IS HERE?
- OF COURSE HE IS.
LOOK AROUND FOR AN OLD GUY.
- THERE HE IS!
- DUDE, THAT'S MR. O'NEILL.
- DON'T YOU GET IT?
THEY TAKE HUMAN FORM
WHEN THEY COME TO EARTH.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS DEMONS
WHO DO THAT.
- NO, THAT'S ALIENS, DOOFUS.
- COME ON, WE GOT TO
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM QUINN.
- WHERE'D YOU GET THE SODA,
QUINN?
- OH, COREY BROUGHT...
UM, OVER THERE.
- YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING.
IF PEOPLE IN REALLY POOR
COUNTRIES CAN'T GET FOOD,
DOES THAT MEAN THEY CAN'T GET
DIET SODA EITHER?
- BUT THEN HOW DO THEY
STAY THIN?
- STACY, YOU WERE WHAT?
- NOTHING.
- COME BACK HERE!
- I WANT A PARTY TOO!
I WANT A PARTY TOO!
- EEK!
- I'LL GIVE YOU
A BUTT-KICKING PARTY,
YOU LITTLE BRAT.
- MY NEW NEW JEANS.
- GEE, QUINN, I HOPE NO ONE
THINKS YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.
- [gasps]
- BRR.
- YEAH, THAT'S SO HUMILIATING.
YOU JUST WANT TO DIE,
I IMAGINE.
- MAYBE YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
BETTER GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME,
THAT IS,
IF HE HASN'T DESERTED YOU.
- NO, HE'D NEVER DO THAT.
HE'S PROBABLY JUST TESTING ME.
- WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
WHY DON'T WE STEP OUTSIDE?
- RELINQUISH OUR ROLES
AS EDUCATOR AND STUDENT
AND SEIZE THE CHANCE TO HANG OUT
AS JUST PLAIN FRIENDS?
THAT'S GREAT, JOEY.
- HE IS AN ALIEN.
- NO, I'M NOT, JEFFY.
BUT I UNDERSTAND
THAT TO AN ADOLESCENT,
GROWN-UPS CAN SEEM ALIENATING
AT TIMES.
NOW LET'S HEAD OUTSIDE AND RAP.
THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
[laughs]
- GEE, I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING
YOU GUYS BEFORE.
ARE YOU FRIENDS OF BRITTANY?
- BRITTANY?
- YOU KNOW, THE PERSON
FOR WHOM THIS PARTY IS FOR.
- PARTY?
- YES, PARTY FOR BRITTANY,
'CAUSE SHE'S BECOME
AN HONOR STUDENT.
- BRITTANY?
- THANK YOU.
WE'RE, UM...
NEVER MIND WHO WE ARE.
MR. TAYLOR WANTS
TO SAY SOMETHING.
[cheers and applause]
- HEY, KIDS.
WE HAVE A LITTLE PRESENT
FOR BRITTANY
TO SHOW HER HOW PROUD WE ARE.
BRING IT OUT, ASHLEY-AMBER.
BRITTANY, BABY, THIS IS FOR YOU.
- OH, DADDY, THANK YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
- BABE, IT'S A HAT.
- NO, IT'S A BULLHORN.
YOU KNOW, FOR CHEERLEADING.
GENUINE NEAR CRYSTAL.
BORROWED AGAIN
FROM BRIAN'S COLLEGE FUND,
BUT YOU'RE WORTH IT.
- OOO!
[applause]
- HEY, YOU'RE LEANING
ON THE MIXING BOARD.
[glass shattering]
MY BULLHORN!
- SORRY.
I'LL BUY A NEW ONE.
I PROMISE.
- SOME GUARDIAN ANGEL.
HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP YOU
FROM DESTROYING THAT ITEM.
- I... I...
OH, WHERE'S MY ANGEL?
[sobbing]
- I GUESS NOW
ISN'T THE BEST TIME
TO BREAK THE NEWS
ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY.
- BUT AESTHETICS ALONE
DON'T ACCOUNT
FOR THE SILO'S ROUND SHAPE.
YOU SEE, IF AIR POCKETS...
- QUINN?
YOU'RE WATCHING
AN EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM.
- MM, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
MY ANGEL'S GONE.
- MAYBE HE'S JUST STUCK
IN THE ENGINE OF A JUMBO JET.
- RIGHT.
YOU KNOW,
I KNOW GUARDIAN ANGELS
SOUND LIKE A DUMB IDEA.
BUT ONCE I STARTED BELIEVING
IN THEM,
IT FELT REALLY NICE,
LIKE THERE WAS SOMEONE PUT HERE
JUST TO DO THINGS FOR ME.
- YOU MEAN, BESIDES THE ENTIRE
MALE POPULATION
OF LAWNDALE HIGH?
- IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
DARIA, YOU'RE SMART, RIGHT?
- WELL, I'M NO BRITTANY TAYLOR.
BUT THE OCCASIONAL
ELECTRIC IMPULSE
DOES SHOOT THROUGH MY BRAIN.
- SO IF THERE
ARE NO GUARDIAN ANGELS,
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
- I GUESS I BELIEVE
IN TREATING PEOPLE
THE WAY YOU'D WANT
TO BE TREATED.
- BUT THERE'S NOTHING
WATCHING OVER US,
NOTHING KEEPING TRACK?
- WELL, THERE'S THE IRS
AND THOSE GUYS
WITH THE BLACK HELICOPTERS.
QUINN, UNTIL I SEE
SOME PRETTY CONVINCING EVIDENCE
TO THE CONTRARY,
I THINK WE'RE ON OUR OWN.
- BUT... BUT THAT'S SO SAD.
- THEN AGAIN,
I DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF
THAT THERE ISN'T
SOMETHING OUT THERE.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BULLHORN?
- MAYBE THE ANGEL DIDN'T THINK
SAVING AN OVERPRICED,
UNDESERVED KNICKKNACK
WAS THE MOST EFFICIENT USE
OF HIS TIME.
- YEAH.
MAYBE ANGELS ONLY
GET INVOLVED
WITH REALLY BIG STUFF.
HE WAS PROBABLY PLAYING
HIS STRING THING
WHEN THE BULLHORN BROKE
AND DIDN'T EVEN HEAR IT.
THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
- I THINK WHAT MAKES SENSE
IS TO BELIEVE WHATEVER
MAKES YOU FEEL BEST.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA STOP RELYING
ON MY ANGEL SO MUCH
FOR LITTLE THINGS
AND LET HIM DO
HIS IMPORTANT STUFF
AND JUST KNOW
THAT IF I NEED HIM
FOR ANYTHING
REALLY CRITICAL
LIKE A COMPLEXION CRISIS
OR AN UNANTICIPATED WEIGHT GAIN,
HE'LL BE THERE.
THANKS, DARIA.
- DON'T MENTION IT.
- QUINN SEEMS
TO BE DOING BETTER.
- DON'T BLAME ME.
I TRIED TO MAKE HER CRY.
- I THINK IT'S VERY SWEET
WHEN SOMEONE PUTS ASIDE
HER OWN STRONG FEELINGS
JUST TO COMFORT SOMEONE ELSE.
- "SWEET"?
OFFICER, YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG GUY.
- OKAY, DARIA.
WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL BEST.
- AND THEN BRADLEY SAID,
"WELL, IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY
FOR A REAL DATE,
HOW ABOUT A CYBER DATE?"
AND I SAID,
"NOT UNTIL THEY INVENT
CYBER FRENCH RESTAURANTS,
BUSTER."
[laughing]
I SAID "BUSTER."
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
- NO.
- THAT'S JUST SO FUNNY.
- LITTLE MISS SPIRITUAL CRISIS
SEEMS TO HAVE RECOVERED
FROM LOSING HER ANGEL.
- YEAH, I KNEW HER SUFFERING
WOULDN'T LAST.
- THE GOOD TIMES NEVER DO.
- WELL, AT LEAST WE GOT TO SEE
A GROWN MAN
TRY TO MAKE A BULLHORN
FROM A PILE OF BROKEN GLASS.
- AND I GOT TO MEET
AMBER-ASHLEY.
- YOU MEAN ASHLEY-AMBER.
- RIGHT.
HOW IS IT THAT SHE LOOKS
AND ACTS
EXACTLY THE SAME AGE
AS HER OWN STEPDAUGHTER?
- HEY, THERE ARE SOME MYSTERIES
THAT ARE JUST BEYOND
OUR KNOWLEDGE.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪