Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 13 - Dye! Dye! My Darling - full transcript
After Jane picks a fight with Daria, Daria realizes to her consternation that she has fallen in love with her best friend's boyfriend.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- OKAY?
- OKAY.
THANKS FOR THE COMPANY, TRENT.
- HEY, NO PROBLEM.
BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK TOM
OR DARIA?
- YOU AND I NEVER GO
FOR RIDES ANYMORE.
WE NEED TO GO FOR MORE RIDES.
- MMM.
WHY DID YOU NEED
TO SEE THE TIGER AGAIN?
- I TOLD YOU.
IT'S A SURPRISE.
YOU'LL FIND OUT
WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "MMM"?
- I DIDN'T SAY, "MMM."
- YES, YOU DID.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- MMM.
[dog barking]
- SORRY.
CAN'T STOP FOR BREAKFAST.
MUST GET MY FILES TOGETHER
BEFORE THE 7:00 A.M.
I'M SORRY.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST CASE
I'VE EVER HAD.
OH.
IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHY WOULD ANYONE BE UP?
NOW WHO AM I TALKING TO?
GET IT TOGETHER,
MORGENDORFFER.
[doorbell rings]
- HEY, DARIA.
- HEY, TRENT.
- JANEY'S UPSTAIRS WITH TOM.
- THANKS.
- ♪ SAD,
REAL SAD ♪
- HELLO?
OH.
- OOPS.
- WAIT.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- NO BIGGIE.
YOU HAD TO LEARN
ABOUT KISSING SOMETIME.
- I SAW JANE'S LATEST WORK,
AND I JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY
BY THE TALENT.
- TA-DA.
- UM, VERY NICE.
OR IS IT A CRY FOR HELP?
- I'D HAVE TO GO WITH BOTH.
- DON'T YOU GET IT?
THE LADY OR THE TIGER.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE.
- DOES THIS MEAN
YOU'LL BE ORDERING
THE PIZZA WITH ENTRAILS?
- THIS IS GONNA BE
MY NEW LOOK,
AND YOU'RE ASSISTING
IN THE PROCEDURE.
GOLDEN HEATHER BLONDE.
DEWEY CORNFIELD BLONDE.
APRIL WHEAT BLONDE.
I JUST WANT TO BLEACH MY HAIR,
NOT START A FREAKING FARM.
- WELL, I'M LOOKING
FOR "BLONDE AS A BAT,"
BUT SO FAR, NO LUCK.
I BET FOR 20 BUCKS
AND A BAG OF DOUGHNUTS
THAT GIRL BEHIND THE COUNTER
WOULD COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE
AND HELP YOU WITH THIS.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
CONDUCTS THEMSELVES BY THE SAME
RUTHLESSLY MERCENARY PRINCIPLES
AS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
- THAT'S WHY I THREW IN
THE DOUGHNUTS.
GIVE THE DEAL A PERSONAL TOUCH.
- AND IF YOU TELL ME
ONE MORE TIME
THAT YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO THIS,
I'LL HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD
WITH THIS BOTTLE
OF PEACEFUL SUNRISE BLONDE.
- YOU KNOW I HAVE NO APTITUDE
FOR THIS SORT OF THING,
DYING HAIR, PAINTING TOENAILS.
- LOOK, DARIA,
THIS IS THE KIND OF ACTIVITY
THAT TEEN GIRLS DO TOGETHER
TO CEMENT THEIR FRIENDSHIPS.
DON'T YOU WANT
TO CEMENT OUR FRIENDSHIP?
- I'D PROBABLY DO BETTER
WITH ACTUAL CEMENT.
- METHINKS THOU DOTH PROTESTETH
TOO MUCH.
- HUH?
- COME ON. WHY DON'T YOU
WANT TO HELP ME REALLY?
- I JUST TOLD YOU.
I'M AFRAID I'LL SCREW IT UP.
- OKAY.
YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT MAKING ME LOOK BAD.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- NOTHING'S THE MATTER
WITH ME.
JUST GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CONCERN,
THAT'S ALL.
- LOOK, I'LL HELP YOU DO
YOUR DAMN HAIR, OKAY?
JUST PICK A BLONDE
AND LET'S GO WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
AUTUMN BARLEY BLONDE?
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GET ME A TRACTOR.
- THIS STUFF STINKS.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST MIX IT
BEFORE THEY PUT IT
IN THE BOTTLE?
- BECAUSE THE VAPORS
WOULD BUILD UP
AND IT WOULD EXPLODE.
- OH, WELL,
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
I'D WANT SEEPING
INTO MY SCALP.
- COME ON, DARIA.
GET GOING.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR
BUT FEAR ITSELF.
- I'M SURE FDR HAD TEEN GIRL
HAIRSTYLES IN MIND
WHEN HE MADE THAT SPEECH.
YOU KNOW, ONE PHONE CALL,
AND I COULD HAVE
MY SISTER OVER HERE
WITH HER LITTLE FASHION FIENDS
TO DO THIS JOB
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE DONE.
- "HELLO, QUINN.
IT'S ME, DARIA.
CAN YOU HELP ME MAKE
MY FRIEND LOOK PRETTY?"
- ALL RIGHT, YOU BITCH,
WHAT DO I DO?
- LET'S SEE.
THIS IS VERY COMPLICATED.
IDENTIFY AND ISOLATE
A TARGET TRESS,
IMMOBILIZE,
THEN INITIATE APPLICATION.
- HUH?
- GRAB A HUNK OF HAIR
AND START PAINTING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S NOT SO HARD.
- DON'T MOVE.
DON'T EVEN TALK.
THE SLIGHTEST TREMOR OF
YOUR HEAD COULD BE DISASTROUS.
- OH, COME ON.
IT'S JUST HAIR.
- THAT'S WHAT SAMSON SAID.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN BEFORE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT DID I MEAN?
- ALL THAT HINTING AROUND
ABOUT THE DIRE REASONS
I DIDN'T WANT TO HELP YOU
WITH THIS.
- DYER,
'CAUSE YOU'RE DYING MY HAIR.
I GET IT.
- STILL WAITING.
- OH, HELL,
I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS ODD
THAT YOU WERE SO RESISTANT
TO MAKING ME LOOK EVEN COOLER
THAN I ALREADY DO.
I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
YOU WERE A LITTLE JEALOUS
OF ME AND TOM
AND YOU FELT LIKE YOU HAD TO...
- WHAT?
- JUST A TEENSY LITTLE BIT.
AND IT'S OKAY.
BELIEVE ME.
I'M SURE IF I WERE
IN YOUR POSITION...
- WHAT POSITION?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HOW CAN YOU ACCUSE ME
OF BEING JEALOUS OF YOU AND TOM?
- HEY, ARE WE DOING
THE HAIR HERE OR NOT?
I JUST MEAN THE WAY
YOU'RE ALWAYS
ACCIDENTALLY BARGING IN
ON US
AND JUST HAPPENING TO FIND
YOURSELF ALONE WITH HIM.
I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY IT,
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?
YOU'RE ACCUSING ME
OF HAVING SOME KIND
OF DESIGNS ON YOUR BOYFRIEND,
AND YOU TELL,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?
- HAIR.
OW.
- SORRY.
- MAYBE WE'D BETTER TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.
- OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I CAN JUST TALK
TO MYSELF ABOUT IT.
- THOMAS JEFFERSON:
PHILOSOPHER, INVENTOR,
PRESIDENT,
AND KEEPER OF ONE SAUCY JOURNAL.
THE DECLARATION
OF IN-MY-PANTS TONIGHT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- SO THAT WASN'T SO DIFFICULT,
WAS IT?
- WHICH PART,
THE HAIR COLORING
OR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL?
- OH, DARIA, LOOK,
FORGET IT.
I IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OKAY.
NOW, ONTO MORE IMPORTANT STUFF.
AM I STRIPED YET?
- UM, NO, NOT QUITE YET.
- IS ANYTHING HAPPENING
UP THERE?
- UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET HOME.
- OH, COME ON.
DON'T YOU WANT TO STICK AROUND
FOR THE FUN?
- DEFINITELY NOT.
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU MUST WANT TO SEE...
AH!
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?
- I TOLD YOU
I WAS NO GOOD AT THIS.
- CAN'T YOU PAINT
A LOUSY STRIPE?
- I DON'T... I...
- YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE
TO TAKE TOM AWAY FROM ME.
- WHAT?
- GET OUT OF HERE, DARIA.
- LET ME FIX IT.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- JUST GET OUT.
LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
INTO THE DRUG STORE
AND GET THE DYE.
JUST GET ANYTHING BLACK
AND NOTHING NAMED AFTER
A CROP, OKAY?
- SURE, DON'T WORRY.
IT'LL BE COOL.
- I COULD KILL DARIA.
- WHOA, WHY?
- I'M TELLING YOU,
SHE WANTED TO SCREW UP MY HAIR.
ANYONE WITH THE LEAST BIT
OF PAINTING EXPERIENCE
COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO
THAT BAD A JOB BY ACCIDENT.
- I DIDN'T KNOW SHE PAINTS.
- HUH?
OH, SHE DOESN'T.
- THEN WHY DID SHE THINK
SHE COULD DO YOUR HAIR?
- WELL, SHE DIDN'T.
ACTUALLY, I KIND OF MADE HER.
- WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
[doorbell rings]
[line ringing]
- HEY, DARIA.
WHERE'S JANE?
- MMM, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE SICK OR SOMETHING.
- REALLY?
THAT'S TOO BAD.
SHE HAD SOME BIG SURPRISE
SHE WAS GONNA UNVEIL TODAY.
SHE KEPT TALKING ABOUT
THE LADY OR THE TIGER.
- UM, THE TIGER TURNED OUT
TO BE MORE OF A PENGUIN
WITH ECZEMA.
- WHAT?
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
OUR ONGING EVALUATION
OF NEW BLUSHES
CONTINUES THIS AFTERNOON
AT QUINN'S HOUSE
WITH A ROUNDTABLE DISCUSSION
OF BLUSH STRATEGY
AND PHILOSOPHY.
- I LOVE PHILOSOPHY.
- IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU TO
HAVE US OVER FOR THIS, QUINN.
- WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I TELL MYSELF:
"QUINN, IF NOT YOU, WHO?"
IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
- IF NOT LEAVE, PUKE.
- WHEN YOU TALK TO JANE, TELL
HER I HOPE SHE FEELS BETTER.
- YOU MEAN IF I TALK TO HER.
[line ringing]
[buttons beeping]
- LOOK, OUR ENTIRE STRATEGY
DEPENDS
ON YOU ANALYZING THOSE PRINTOUTS
BEFORE THE WEEKEND.
I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOTHER
IS GETTING MARRIED.
I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOTHER
IS GETTING EXECUTED.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- HELLO?
- UM, MARY ANN,
THIS IS DARIA MORGENDORFFER.
IS MY MOTHER AVAILABLE?
- WHAT, THAT'S NOT A NICE THING
TO SAY ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD?
- MMM, DARIA,
IS IT VERY IMPORTANT?
THIS ISN'T A GREAT TIME.
- WELL, IF YOUR MOTHER'S 80,
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING
DRAGGING SOME POOR BASTARD
TO THE ALTAR?
OH!
- UM, NO, I'LL CALL BACK.
THANKS.
[buttons beeping]
[phone rings]
- HELLO?
- TOM?
- DARIA?
TO WHAT DO I OWE THE PLEASURE?
- HAVE YOU HEARD FROM JANE?
- SORT OF. WHY?
- IT'S ABOUT THAT STRIPING JOB.
- UH-OH.
- YEAH.
I REALLY, UM,
KIND OF BOTCHED IT BIG-TIME,
AND SHE DIDN'T COME TO SCHOOL,
AND SHE'S NOT ANSWERING
THE PHONE,
SO I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
- WELL, SHE WAS ALL RIGHT ENOUGH
TO CALL ME LATE LAST NIGHT
YELLING STUFF
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
AND MAKING FREAKY ACCUSATIONS.
- OH.
- I'M REALLY GETTING TIRED
OF THIS, DARIA, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE WE TALKED ABOUT
AT THE PARADE.
- I THINK I'M GONNA GO OVER
THERE AND SEE HOW SHE'S DOING.
- OH. OH, YEAH.
GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH. GOT TO GO.
BYE.
- BYE.
[doorbell rings]
- I FIGURED YOU'D TURN UP
SOONER OR LATER.
- HEY.
YOUR HAIR LOOKS OKAY.
- YEAH.
I DYED IT BACK.
I'LL PASS FOR HUMAN.
- I'M REALLY SORRY.
I WARNED YOU.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER.
I'M SORRY.
I FEEL KIND OF AWKWARD.
- REALLY?
I HADN'T NOTICED.
- SO IF YOU LOOK OKAY,
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU
COME TO SCHOOL?
WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
- TO BE HONEST,
I'VE BEEN FEELING
KIND OF OVERWHELMED LATELY,
AND AFTER THE HAIR THING
AND ALL,
I FIGURED I'D GIVE MYSELF
A MENTAL HEALTH DAY.
- OVERWHELMED?
WHY?
- WHY DO YOU THINK?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T SCREW YOUR HAIR UP
ON PURPOSE.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT
THAT OTHER THING I SAID?
- WHAT THING?
UM, YOU WERE JUST UPSET.
- WHAT ABOUT IT, DARIA?
- WHAT?
TOM? ME TRY TO TAKE
TOM AWAY FROM YOU?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
- OKAY, MAYBE NOT TRYING
TO STEAL HIM OR ANYTHING,
BUT WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU TWO?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOTHING.
I MEAN, OKAY, I DON'T HATE HIM
SO MUCH ANYMORE.
BUT THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
- SO YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH HIM?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- AND YOU'VE NEVER
MADE OUT OR ANYTHING?
- COME ON.
- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
- CAN YOU PICTURE ME MAKING OUT
WITH ANYONE,
EVER?
- CAN I STOP SHORT
OF YOUR WEDDING NIGHT?
OKAY.
WELL, THEN HAIR APOLOGY
ACCEPTED.
LIFE GOES ON.
- DO YOU WANT TO GET
SOME MORE BUSY BARNYARD BLONDE
AND TRY AGAIN?
- HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY,
UTTERLY MAD?
- HEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
YOUR SISTER SAID
YOU WEREN'T HOME,
SO I FIGURED
I'D WAIT OUT HERE.
- DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?
- NO, THERE ARE THESE GIRLS
IN THERE,
RUBBING STUFF
ON EACH OTHER'S CHEEKS
AND MAKING ANIMAL NOISES.
I GOT KIND OF SCARED.
- THAT'S JUST THE OPENING RITES
OF THE BLUSH-A-THON.
AT LEAST YOU GOT OUT
BEFORE THE RHYTHMIC CHANTING.
- OH, YEAH, I THINK I SAW THAT
ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
WHY DON'T YOU GET IN THE CAR?
- DID YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT JANE?
- NOPE.
- OH, THEN WHAT?
- ABOUT OUR SITUATION.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
WE HAVE NO SITUATION.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I GOT TO GO.
- WAIT.
WHY IS EVERYONE SO MAD AT ME?
- WHY? WHY?
BECAUSE I MOVED TO THIS TOWN
AND I KNEW IMMEDIATELY
I'D BE A TOTAL OUTCAST.
AND IN THE ONE MOMENT
OF GOOD LUCK
I'VE HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE,
I MET ANOTHER OUTCAST WHO
I COULD REALLY BE FRIENDS WITH
AND NOT HAVE
TO FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.
AND THEN YOU CAME ALONG AND
SCREWED THE WHOLE THING UP.
- ALL I DID WAS MEET A GIRL
I THOUGHT WAS COOL,
AND I WENT OUT WITH HER
FOR A WHILE.
WE STARTED TO GET BORED
WITH EACH OTHER.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
- OH, YEAH?
WOULD YOU STILL BE BORED
WITH HER IF I WEREN'T AROUND?
- PROBABLY;
AND MORE TO THE POINT,
SHE'D BE BORED WITH ME.
IT'S GOT NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
- GOOD, BECAUSE I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN YOU,
AND I'D BE STABBING MY FRIEND
IN THE BACK
IF I EVEN CONSIDERED IT.
- EXACTLY.
AND WHAT KIND OF A JERK
WOULD THAT MAKE ME?
- EXACTLY.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
- OKAY.
DAMN IT.
DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT.
- I LIKED IT TOO.
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
- I KNOW.
THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT FUNNY.
- I GOT TO GO.
- THEY'RE GONNA MAKE IT ILLEGAL
TO SHOOT SQUIRRELS?
DAMN IT.
WHAT KIND OF TOWN IS THIS?
OH, HEY, KIDDO.
HOW'S IT GOING?
STILL GOT A LITTLE STARDUST
IN YOUR EYES, EH?
YOU CAN'T DROWN THEM EITHER?
DAMN IT!
OH, MY GOSH.
LET'S FINISH THIS LATER,
OKAY, DARIA?
- OH, YEAH, DARIA,
YOU PROBABLY WANT TO STAY AWAY
FROM THE HOUSE THIS AFTERNOON.
THE FASHION CLUB IS ENTERING
THE FINAL PHASE
OF OUR BLUSH EVALUATION,
AND THINGS COULD GET HEATED.
AND EVEN IF THEY DON'T,
I'M JUST AFRAID YOU'D FIND THE
WHOLE THING TERRIBLY TEDIOUS,
AND I'D HATE
TO YOU SEE YOU BORED LIKE THAT.
OKAY, THANKS.
DARIA.
DID YOU HEAR ME?
- IS MOM AROUND?
- WHAT?
- I NEED TO TALK TO MOM.
- GOOD LUCK.
SHE'S ONLY BEEN WORKING
18-HOUR DAYS
AT THAT JOB OF HERS.
- IF YOUR BEST FRIEND
WERE GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE,
AND YOU KISSED HIM,
WOULD YOU TELL HER?
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
GOD, DARIA, YOU'VE GOT
TO LAY OFF ALL THOSE BOOKS
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
I LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE...
[bell rings]
- HEY.
- OH, HI.
- WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT'S NEW?
HOW YOU DOING?
- GREAT.
- NO WALKIE TO SCHOOL TODAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
TALK TO ME.
- I KISSED YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- WHAT?
- I KISSED YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I KISSED TOM.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
[doorbell rings]
- OH, HI.
- OH, HI.
GO TO HELL!
- HEY.
- [grunting]
- STOP. OW.
- HOW COULD YOU?
HOW COULD YOU?
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
IT JUST HAPPENED.
- HOW COULD SHE?
- SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.
- OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
- SHE DIDN'T WANT ANY PART
OF THIS.
I SCREWED EVERYTHING UP.
- NOW WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A REAL IDIOT.
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
- WHO'S ARGUING?
- WE SHOULD HAVE JUST BROKEN UP,
AND I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
DRAGGED DARIA INTO IT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WE SHOULD HAVE JUST BROKEN UP?
- COME ON.
WE WEREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
WE WERE ABOUT TO BREAK UP.
- YEAH.
SO NOW WHAT?
YOU GONNA GO OUT WITH HER?
I GUESS I GOT TO GET
A NEW BEST FRIEND.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
TAG ALONG ON YOUR DATES?
FORGET IT.
THAT'S TOO WEIRD FOR ME.
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE EXPECTED HER TO DO IT.
- HUH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
JUST A SUPER TIME DATING DARIA.
SHE LOVES TO HAVE FUN.
- I DIDN'T SAY
I WAS GONNA DATE HER.
I KNOW HOW ANTISOCIAL SHE IS.
- HEY, SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
GIVE HER A CHANCE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT WITH HER?
- OF COURSE NOT.
I MEAN, I... I DON'T KNOW.
JUST... LOOK,
ALL THAT TIME,
WERE YOU GOING OUT WITH ME
JUST TO GET TO HER?
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
AM I?
- I REALLY LIKE YOU, JANE.
YOU'RE SMART, AND YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU HAVE A GREAT ATTITUDE.
YOU DO EVERYTHING
ON YOUR OWN TERMS.
YOU'RE, LIKE,
FROM A COOLER WORLD.
- I AM, AREN'T I?
- YOU REALLY ARE.
- TOO BAD YOU'RE SUCH A DORK.
- I KNOW.
- WHY CAN'T I EVER FIND
ANYTHING AROUND HERE?
DO YOU ALL WANT ME
TO GO INSANE?
- HELEN, HELEN?
- WHAT IS IT?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO INTERRUPT ME
FOR ANYTHING.
I HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE.
DARIA?
- SO THAT'S IT.
OF ALL THE GUYS
IN THE WORLD TO KISS...
- OH.
- I PICKED THE ONE WHO'S GOING
OUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
NOW I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON,
I HAVE NOBODY
TO TALK TO ABOUT IT,
AND THAT'S WHY
I CAME TO YOU.
- OH.
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
- OH, WELL, IT'S NOT EASY
BEING A TEENAGER, DARIA.
YOU HAVE ALL THESE NEW FEELINGS
AND SENSATIONS.
- MOM, SPARE ME
THE PUBERTY SPEECH.
I KISSED MY BEST FRIEND'S
BOYFRIEND.
- I'M SURE IT WAS JUST
A ONE-TIME...
- TWICE.
- [sighs]
IT'S A LOUSY SITUATION, DARIA.
BUT YOU DIDN'T SET OUT
TO HURT ANYONE.
- NEITHER DO THOSE BUS DRIVERS
WHO GO FLYING OFF AN EMBANKMENT
ON THEIR WAY TO THE CASINO.
- DARIA, NOBODY GOT KILLED.
- NO, BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW
I COULD HAVE HURT JANE MORE.
- WHAT ABOUT TOM?
- I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT TOM.
[sighs]
YOU KNOW, I HAD EVERYTHING
MORE OR LESS UNDER CONTROL.
I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS GREAT,
BUT I COULD DEAL WITH SCHOOL,
AND I COULD DEAL WITH HOME.
AND NOW NOTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.
- IT NEVER IS, SWEETIE.
WE JUST TELL OURSELVES OTHERWISE
SO WE CAN FUNCTION.
- WHO CAME UP
WITH THAT STUPID ARRANGEMENT?
- IT'S CALLED LIFE.
- LIFE SUCKS.
- YES, SOMETIMES.
OFTEN.
- THAT'S REASSURING.
- BUT IT STILL BEATS
THE ALTERNATIVE.
HONEY, THINGS WILL WORK OUT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT THEY WILL.
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW?
WHAT KIND OF PARENTAL WISDOM
IS THAT?
- HONEST.
- DON'T YOU HAVE
TO BE GETTING BACK
TO THAT HUGE CASE OF YOURS?
- OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT.
IT'S COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL.
- YO.
- HEY.
- WHATCHA' DOING?
- WALKING.
- HAIR LOOKS FINE.
- THANKS.
- LIFT?
- NAH.
- COME ON.
WE NEED TO GO FOR MORE RIDES.
- OKAY.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
ABOUT TOM AND ALL,
IT'LL BE OKAY.
- YEAH, SOME PART OF ME
KNOWS THAT.
SOME PART OF ME
IS ACTUALLY SAYING
THAT BREAKING UP IS RIGHT.
- MAYBE IT IS.
- SO HOW COME
EVERY FIVE MINUTES,
I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP?
- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN EATING OUT
OF THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN,
HAVE YOU?
- IDIOT.
- WHERE ARE WE GOING, ANYWAY?
- DARIA'S.
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO.
- HI.
- PIZZA?
- I'M NOT REALLY HUNGRY.
- NEITHER AM I.
- I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU,
BUT I HAD TO.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.
EVER.
- TOM AND I BROKE UP.
- WHAT?
NOT BECAUSE OF ME.
- NO, NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.
SO I DON'T CARE
IF YOU GO OUT WITH HIM.
IT'S FINE WITH ME.
- COME ON.
NOBODY'S THAT WELL-ADJUSTED.
- I'M SURE AS HELL NOT,
BUT TOM AND YOU MAKES MORE SENSE
THAN TOM AND ME,
SO YOU GO AHEAD AND DATE HIM,
AND I'LL GET USED TO GOING OUT
FOR PIZZA BY MYSELF.
- I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DO THAT.
- WHY NOT? IT'S WHAT YOU'VE
BEEN DOING ALL YEAR.
- SO YOU DON'T HATE ME?
- OF COURSE I HATE YOU.
YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA
STAY AWAY FROM HIM,
AND FIVE MINUTES LATER,
YOU'RE MAKING OUT IN A CAR.
WHY DID YOU EVEN GET IN?
- I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA TALK
ABOUT YOU.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
- THE LADY OR THE TIGER.
YOU TURNED OUT TO BE
A LITTLE OF BOTH, EH?
- I SWEAR, I DIDN'T...
- I KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I MADE YOU COLOR MY HAIR
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MAYBE I WAS TRYING
TO BRING SOMETHING TO A HEAD.
- HAIR. HEAD. I GET IT.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
- I WAS HOPING YOU KNEW.
- ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?
ARE WE?
- YEAH.
WE'RE THE KIND
OF FRIENDS WHO CAN'T STAND
THE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER.
- TEMPORARILY, RIGHT?
- I HOPE SO, DARIA.
I'LL SEE YOU.
[phone ringing]
- QUINN.
QUINN, PHONE.
OH, TO HELL WITH IT.
HELLO?
- DARIA?
IT'S TOM.
- ♪ THEY SAY IT'LL BE FOR SURE ♪
♪ THEY SAY WE'LL ALL BE FINE ♪
♪ THEY SAY SOMEWHERE
THERE'S A CURE ♪
♪ THAT FIRST MUST BE REFINED ♪
♪ FOREVER I'LL BE SURE ♪
♪ FOREVER YOU'LL BE FINE ♪
♪ FOREVER EATS YOU UP ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- OKAY?
- OKAY.
THANKS FOR THE COMPANY, TRENT.
- HEY, NO PROBLEM.
BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK TOM
OR DARIA?
- YOU AND I NEVER GO
FOR RIDES ANYMORE.
WE NEED TO GO FOR MORE RIDES.
- MMM.
WHY DID YOU NEED
TO SEE THE TIGER AGAIN?
- I TOLD YOU.
IT'S A SURPRISE.
YOU'LL FIND OUT
WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "MMM"?
- I DIDN'T SAY, "MMM."
- YES, YOU DID.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- MMM.
[dog barking]
- SORRY.
CAN'T STOP FOR BREAKFAST.
MUST GET MY FILES TOGETHER
BEFORE THE 7:00 A.M.
I'M SORRY.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST CASE
I'VE EVER HAD.
OH.
IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHY WOULD ANYONE BE UP?
NOW WHO AM I TALKING TO?
GET IT TOGETHER,
MORGENDORFFER.
[doorbell rings]
- HEY, DARIA.
- HEY, TRENT.
- JANEY'S UPSTAIRS WITH TOM.
- THANKS.
- ♪ SAD,
REAL SAD ♪
- HELLO?
OH.
- OOPS.
- WAIT.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- NO BIGGIE.
YOU HAD TO LEARN
ABOUT KISSING SOMETIME.
- I SAW JANE'S LATEST WORK,
AND I JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY
BY THE TALENT.
- TA-DA.
- UM, VERY NICE.
OR IS IT A CRY FOR HELP?
- I'D HAVE TO GO WITH BOTH.
- DON'T YOU GET IT?
THE LADY OR THE TIGER.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE.
- DOES THIS MEAN
YOU'LL BE ORDERING
THE PIZZA WITH ENTRAILS?
- THIS IS GONNA BE
MY NEW LOOK,
AND YOU'RE ASSISTING
IN THE PROCEDURE.
GOLDEN HEATHER BLONDE.
DEWEY CORNFIELD BLONDE.
APRIL WHEAT BLONDE.
I JUST WANT TO BLEACH MY HAIR,
NOT START A FREAKING FARM.
- WELL, I'M LOOKING
FOR "BLONDE AS A BAT,"
BUT SO FAR, NO LUCK.
I BET FOR 20 BUCKS
AND A BAG OF DOUGHNUTS
THAT GIRL BEHIND THE COUNTER
WOULD COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE
AND HELP YOU WITH THIS.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
CONDUCTS THEMSELVES BY THE SAME
RUTHLESSLY MERCENARY PRINCIPLES
AS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
- THAT'S WHY I THREW IN
THE DOUGHNUTS.
GIVE THE DEAL A PERSONAL TOUCH.
- AND IF YOU TELL ME
ONE MORE TIME
THAT YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO THIS,
I'LL HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD
WITH THIS BOTTLE
OF PEACEFUL SUNRISE BLONDE.
- YOU KNOW I HAVE NO APTITUDE
FOR THIS SORT OF THING,
DYING HAIR, PAINTING TOENAILS.
- LOOK, DARIA,
THIS IS THE KIND OF ACTIVITY
THAT TEEN GIRLS DO TOGETHER
TO CEMENT THEIR FRIENDSHIPS.
DON'T YOU WANT
TO CEMENT OUR FRIENDSHIP?
- I'D PROBABLY DO BETTER
WITH ACTUAL CEMENT.
- METHINKS THOU DOTH PROTESTETH
TOO MUCH.
- HUH?
- COME ON. WHY DON'T YOU
WANT TO HELP ME REALLY?
- I JUST TOLD YOU.
I'M AFRAID I'LL SCREW IT UP.
- OKAY.
YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT MAKING ME LOOK BAD.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- NOTHING'S THE MATTER
WITH ME.
JUST GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CONCERN,
THAT'S ALL.
- LOOK, I'LL HELP YOU DO
YOUR DAMN HAIR, OKAY?
JUST PICK A BLONDE
AND LET'S GO WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
AUTUMN BARLEY BLONDE?
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GET ME A TRACTOR.
- THIS STUFF STINKS.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST MIX IT
BEFORE THEY PUT IT
IN THE BOTTLE?
- BECAUSE THE VAPORS
WOULD BUILD UP
AND IT WOULD EXPLODE.
- OH, WELL,
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
I'D WANT SEEPING
INTO MY SCALP.
- COME ON, DARIA.
GET GOING.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR
BUT FEAR ITSELF.
- I'M SURE FDR HAD TEEN GIRL
HAIRSTYLES IN MIND
WHEN HE MADE THAT SPEECH.
YOU KNOW, ONE PHONE CALL,
AND I COULD HAVE
MY SISTER OVER HERE
WITH HER LITTLE FASHION FIENDS
TO DO THIS JOB
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE DONE.
- "HELLO, QUINN.
IT'S ME, DARIA.
CAN YOU HELP ME MAKE
MY FRIEND LOOK PRETTY?"
- ALL RIGHT, YOU BITCH,
WHAT DO I DO?
- LET'S SEE.
THIS IS VERY COMPLICATED.
IDENTIFY AND ISOLATE
A TARGET TRESS,
IMMOBILIZE,
THEN INITIATE APPLICATION.
- HUH?
- GRAB A HUNK OF HAIR
AND START PAINTING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S NOT SO HARD.
- DON'T MOVE.
DON'T EVEN TALK.
THE SLIGHTEST TREMOR OF
YOUR HEAD COULD BE DISASTROUS.
- OH, COME ON.
IT'S JUST HAIR.
- THAT'S WHAT SAMSON SAID.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN BEFORE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT DID I MEAN?
- ALL THAT HINTING AROUND
ABOUT THE DIRE REASONS
I DIDN'T WANT TO HELP YOU
WITH THIS.
- DYER,
'CAUSE YOU'RE DYING MY HAIR.
I GET IT.
- STILL WAITING.
- OH, HELL,
I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS ODD
THAT YOU WERE SO RESISTANT
TO MAKING ME LOOK EVEN COOLER
THAN I ALREADY DO.
I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
YOU WERE A LITTLE JEALOUS
OF ME AND TOM
AND YOU FELT LIKE YOU HAD TO...
- WHAT?
- JUST A TEENSY LITTLE BIT.
AND IT'S OKAY.
BELIEVE ME.
I'M SURE IF I WERE
IN YOUR POSITION...
- WHAT POSITION?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HOW CAN YOU ACCUSE ME
OF BEING JEALOUS OF YOU AND TOM?
- HEY, ARE WE DOING
THE HAIR HERE OR NOT?
I JUST MEAN THE WAY
YOU'RE ALWAYS
ACCIDENTALLY BARGING IN
ON US
AND JUST HAPPENING TO FIND
YOURSELF ALONE WITH HIM.
I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY IT,
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?
YOU'RE ACCUSING ME
OF HAVING SOME KIND
OF DESIGNS ON YOUR BOYFRIEND,
AND YOU TELL,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?
- HAIR.
OW.
- SORRY.
- MAYBE WE'D BETTER TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.
- OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I CAN JUST TALK
TO MYSELF ABOUT IT.
- THOMAS JEFFERSON:
PHILOSOPHER, INVENTOR,
PRESIDENT,
AND KEEPER OF ONE SAUCY JOURNAL.
THE DECLARATION
OF IN-MY-PANTS TONIGHT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- SO THAT WASN'T SO DIFFICULT,
WAS IT?
- WHICH PART,
THE HAIR COLORING
OR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL?
- OH, DARIA, LOOK,
FORGET IT.
I IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OKAY.
NOW, ONTO MORE IMPORTANT STUFF.
AM I STRIPED YET?
- UM, NO, NOT QUITE YET.
- IS ANYTHING HAPPENING
UP THERE?
- UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET HOME.
- OH, COME ON.
DON'T YOU WANT TO STICK AROUND
FOR THE FUN?
- DEFINITELY NOT.
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU MUST WANT TO SEE...
AH!
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?
- I TOLD YOU
I WAS NO GOOD AT THIS.
- CAN'T YOU PAINT
A LOUSY STRIPE?
- I DON'T... I...
- YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE
TO TAKE TOM AWAY FROM ME.
- WHAT?
- GET OUT OF HERE, DARIA.
- LET ME FIX IT.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- JUST GET OUT.
LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
INTO THE DRUG STORE
AND GET THE DYE.
JUST GET ANYTHING BLACK
AND NOTHING NAMED AFTER
A CROP, OKAY?
- SURE, DON'T WORRY.
IT'LL BE COOL.
- I COULD KILL DARIA.
- WHOA, WHY?
- I'M TELLING YOU,
SHE WANTED TO SCREW UP MY HAIR.
ANYONE WITH THE LEAST BIT
OF PAINTING EXPERIENCE
COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO
THAT BAD A JOB BY ACCIDENT.
- I DIDN'T KNOW SHE PAINTS.
- HUH?
OH, SHE DOESN'T.
- THEN WHY DID SHE THINK
SHE COULD DO YOUR HAIR?
- WELL, SHE DIDN'T.
ACTUALLY, I KIND OF MADE HER.
- WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
[doorbell rings]
[line ringing]
- HEY, DARIA.
WHERE'S JANE?
- MMM, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE SICK OR SOMETHING.
- REALLY?
THAT'S TOO BAD.
SHE HAD SOME BIG SURPRISE
SHE WAS GONNA UNVEIL TODAY.
SHE KEPT TALKING ABOUT
THE LADY OR THE TIGER.
- UM, THE TIGER TURNED OUT
TO BE MORE OF A PENGUIN
WITH ECZEMA.
- WHAT?
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
OUR ONGING EVALUATION
OF NEW BLUSHES
CONTINUES THIS AFTERNOON
AT QUINN'S HOUSE
WITH A ROUNDTABLE DISCUSSION
OF BLUSH STRATEGY
AND PHILOSOPHY.
- I LOVE PHILOSOPHY.
- IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU TO
HAVE US OVER FOR THIS, QUINN.
- WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I TELL MYSELF:
"QUINN, IF NOT YOU, WHO?"
IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
- IF NOT LEAVE, PUKE.
- WHEN YOU TALK TO JANE, TELL
HER I HOPE SHE FEELS BETTER.
- YOU MEAN IF I TALK TO HER.
[line ringing]
[buttons beeping]
- LOOK, OUR ENTIRE STRATEGY
DEPENDS
ON YOU ANALYZING THOSE PRINTOUTS
BEFORE THE WEEKEND.
I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOTHER
IS GETTING MARRIED.
I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOTHER
IS GETTING EXECUTED.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- HELLO?
- UM, MARY ANN,
THIS IS DARIA MORGENDORFFER.
IS MY MOTHER AVAILABLE?
- WHAT, THAT'S NOT A NICE THING
TO SAY ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD?
- MMM, DARIA,
IS IT VERY IMPORTANT?
THIS ISN'T A GREAT TIME.
- WELL, IF YOUR MOTHER'S 80,
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING
DRAGGING SOME POOR BASTARD
TO THE ALTAR?
OH!
- UM, NO, I'LL CALL BACK.
THANKS.
[buttons beeping]
[phone rings]
- HELLO?
- TOM?
- DARIA?
TO WHAT DO I OWE THE PLEASURE?
- HAVE YOU HEARD FROM JANE?
- SORT OF. WHY?
- IT'S ABOUT THAT STRIPING JOB.
- UH-OH.
- YEAH.
I REALLY, UM,
KIND OF BOTCHED IT BIG-TIME,
AND SHE DIDN'T COME TO SCHOOL,
AND SHE'S NOT ANSWERING
THE PHONE,
SO I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
- WELL, SHE WAS ALL RIGHT ENOUGH
TO CALL ME LATE LAST NIGHT
YELLING STUFF
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
AND MAKING FREAKY ACCUSATIONS.
- OH.
- I'M REALLY GETTING TIRED
OF THIS, DARIA, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE WE TALKED ABOUT
AT THE PARADE.
- I THINK I'M GONNA GO OVER
THERE AND SEE HOW SHE'S DOING.
- OH. OH, YEAH.
GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH. GOT TO GO.
BYE.
- BYE.
[doorbell rings]
- I FIGURED YOU'D TURN UP
SOONER OR LATER.
- HEY.
YOUR HAIR LOOKS OKAY.
- YEAH.
I DYED IT BACK.
I'LL PASS FOR HUMAN.
- I'M REALLY SORRY.
I WARNED YOU.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER.
I'M SORRY.
I FEEL KIND OF AWKWARD.
- REALLY?
I HADN'T NOTICED.
- SO IF YOU LOOK OKAY,
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU
COME TO SCHOOL?
WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
- TO BE HONEST,
I'VE BEEN FEELING
KIND OF OVERWHELMED LATELY,
AND AFTER THE HAIR THING
AND ALL,
I FIGURED I'D GIVE MYSELF
A MENTAL HEALTH DAY.
- OVERWHELMED?
WHY?
- WHY DO YOU THINK?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T SCREW YOUR HAIR UP
ON PURPOSE.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT
THAT OTHER THING I SAID?
- WHAT THING?
UM, YOU WERE JUST UPSET.
- WHAT ABOUT IT, DARIA?
- WHAT?
TOM? ME TRY TO TAKE
TOM AWAY FROM YOU?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
- OKAY, MAYBE NOT TRYING
TO STEAL HIM OR ANYTHING,
BUT WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU TWO?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOTHING.
I MEAN, OKAY, I DON'T HATE HIM
SO MUCH ANYMORE.
BUT THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
- SO YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH HIM?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- AND YOU'VE NEVER
MADE OUT OR ANYTHING?
- COME ON.
- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
- CAN YOU PICTURE ME MAKING OUT
WITH ANYONE,
EVER?
- CAN I STOP SHORT
OF YOUR WEDDING NIGHT?
OKAY.
WELL, THEN HAIR APOLOGY
ACCEPTED.
LIFE GOES ON.
- DO YOU WANT TO GET
SOME MORE BUSY BARNYARD BLONDE
AND TRY AGAIN?
- HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY,
UTTERLY MAD?
- HEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
YOUR SISTER SAID
YOU WEREN'T HOME,
SO I FIGURED
I'D WAIT OUT HERE.
- DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?
- NO, THERE ARE THESE GIRLS
IN THERE,
RUBBING STUFF
ON EACH OTHER'S CHEEKS
AND MAKING ANIMAL NOISES.
I GOT KIND OF SCARED.
- THAT'S JUST THE OPENING RITES
OF THE BLUSH-A-THON.
AT LEAST YOU GOT OUT
BEFORE THE RHYTHMIC CHANTING.
- OH, YEAH, I THINK I SAW THAT
ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
WHY DON'T YOU GET IN THE CAR?
- DID YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT JANE?
- NOPE.
- OH, THEN WHAT?
- ABOUT OUR SITUATION.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
WE HAVE NO SITUATION.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I GOT TO GO.
- WAIT.
WHY IS EVERYONE SO MAD AT ME?
- WHY? WHY?
BECAUSE I MOVED TO THIS TOWN
AND I KNEW IMMEDIATELY
I'D BE A TOTAL OUTCAST.
AND IN THE ONE MOMENT
OF GOOD LUCK
I'VE HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE,
I MET ANOTHER OUTCAST WHO
I COULD REALLY BE FRIENDS WITH
AND NOT HAVE
TO FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.
AND THEN YOU CAME ALONG AND
SCREWED THE WHOLE THING UP.
- ALL I DID WAS MEET A GIRL
I THOUGHT WAS COOL,
AND I WENT OUT WITH HER
FOR A WHILE.
WE STARTED TO GET BORED
WITH EACH OTHER.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
- OH, YEAH?
WOULD YOU STILL BE BORED
WITH HER IF I WEREN'T AROUND?
- PROBABLY;
AND MORE TO THE POINT,
SHE'D BE BORED WITH ME.
IT'S GOT NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
- GOOD, BECAUSE I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN YOU,
AND I'D BE STABBING MY FRIEND
IN THE BACK
IF I EVEN CONSIDERED IT.
- EXACTLY.
AND WHAT KIND OF A JERK
WOULD THAT MAKE ME?
- EXACTLY.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
- OKAY.
DAMN IT.
DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT.
- I LIKED IT TOO.
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
- I KNOW.
THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT FUNNY.
- I GOT TO GO.
- THEY'RE GONNA MAKE IT ILLEGAL
TO SHOOT SQUIRRELS?
DAMN IT.
WHAT KIND OF TOWN IS THIS?
OH, HEY, KIDDO.
HOW'S IT GOING?
STILL GOT A LITTLE STARDUST
IN YOUR EYES, EH?
YOU CAN'T DROWN THEM EITHER?
DAMN IT!
OH, MY GOSH.
LET'S FINISH THIS LATER,
OKAY, DARIA?
- OH, YEAH, DARIA,
YOU PROBABLY WANT TO STAY AWAY
FROM THE HOUSE THIS AFTERNOON.
THE FASHION CLUB IS ENTERING
THE FINAL PHASE
OF OUR BLUSH EVALUATION,
AND THINGS COULD GET HEATED.
AND EVEN IF THEY DON'T,
I'M JUST AFRAID YOU'D FIND THE
WHOLE THING TERRIBLY TEDIOUS,
AND I'D HATE
TO YOU SEE YOU BORED LIKE THAT.
OKAY, THANKS.
DARIA.
DID YOU HEAR ME?
- IS MOM AROUND?
- WHAT?
- I NEED TO TALK TO MOM.
- GOOD LUCK.
SHE'S ONLY BEEN WORKING
18-HOUR DAYS
AT THAT JOB OF HERS.
- IF YOUR BEST FRIEND
WERE GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE,
AND YOU KISSED HIM,
WOULD YOU TELL HER?
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
GOD, DARIA, YOU'VE GOT
TO LAY OFF ALL THOSE BOOKS
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
I LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE...
[bell rings]
- HEY.
- OH, HI.
- WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT'S NEW?
HOW YOU DOING?
- GREAT.
- NO WALKIE TO SCHOOL TODAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
TALK TO ME.
- I KISSED YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- WHAT?
- I KISSED YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I KISSED TOM.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
[doorbell rings]
- OH, HI.
- OH, HI.
GO TO HELL!
- HEY.
- [grunting]
- STOP. OW.
- HOW COULD YOU?
HOW COULD YOU?
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
IT JUST HAPPENED.
- HOW COULD SHE?
- SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.
- OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
- SHE DIDN'T WANT ANY PART
OF THIS.
I SCREWED EVERYTHING UP.
- NOW WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A REAL IDIOT.
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
- WHO'S ARGUING?
- WE SHOULD HAVE JUST BROKEN UP,
AND I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
DRAGGED DARIA INTO IT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WE SHOULD HAVE JUST BROKEN UP?
- COME ON.
WE WEREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
WE WERE ABOUT TO BREAK UP.
- YEAH.
SO NOW WHAT?
YOU GONNA GO OUT WITH HER?
I GUESS I GOT TO GET
A NEW BEST FRIEND.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
TAG ALONG ON YOUR DATES?
FORGET IT.
THAT'S TOO WEIRD FOR ME.
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE EXPECTED HER TO DO IT.
- HUH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
JUST A SUPER TIME DATING DARIA.
SHE LOVES TO HAVE FUN.
- I DIDN'T SAY
I WAS GONNA DATE HER.
I KNOW HOW ANTISOCIAL SHE IS.
- HEY, SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
GIVE HER A CHANCE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT WITH HER?
- OF COURSE NOT.
I MEAN, I... I DON'T KNOW.
JUST... LOOK,
ALL THAT TIME,
WERE YOU GOING OUT WITH ME
JUST TO GET TO HER?
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
AM I?
- I REALLY LIKE YOU, JANE.
YOU'RE SMART, AND YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU HAVE A GREAT ATTITUDE.
YOU DO EVERYTHING
ON YOUR OWN TERMS.
YOU'RE, LIKE,
FROM A COOLER WORLD.
- I AM, AREN'T I?
- YOU REALLY ARE.
- TOO BAD YOU'RE SUCH A DORK.
- I KNOW.
- WHY CAN'T I EVER FIND
ANYTHING AROUND HERE?
DO YOU ALL WANT ME
TO GO INSANE?
- HELEN, HELEN?
- WHAT IS IT?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO INTERRUPT ME
FOR ANYTHING.
I HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE.
DARIA?
- SO THAT'S IT.
OF ALL THE GUYS
IN THE WORLD TO KISS...
- OH.
- I PICKED THE ONE WHO'S GOING
OUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
NOW I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON,
I HAVE NOBODY
TO TALK TO ABOUT IT,
AND THAT'S WHY
I CAME TO YOU.
- OH.
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
- OH, WELL, IT'S NOT EASY
BEING A TEENAGER, DARIA.
YOU HAVE ALL THESE NEW FEELINGS
AND SENSATIONS.
- MOM, SPARE ME
THE PUBERTY SPEECH.
I KISSED MY BEST FRIEND'S
BOYFRIEND.
- I'M SURE IT WAS JUST
A ONE-TIME...
- TWICE.
- [sighs]
IT'S A LOUSY SITUATION, DARIA.
BUT YOU DIDN'T SET OUT
TO HURT ANYONE.
- NEITHER DO THOSE BUS DRIVERS
WHO GO FLYING OFF AN EMBANKMENT
ON THEIR WAY TO THE CASINO.
- DARIA, NOBODY GOT KILLED.
- NO, BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW
I COULD HAVE HURT JANE MORE.
- WHAT ABOUT TOM?
- I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT TOM.
[sighs]
YOU KNOW, I HAD EVERYTHING
MORE OR LESS UNDER CONTROL.
I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS GREAT,
BUT I COULD DEAL WITH SCHOOL,
AND I COULD DEAL WITH HOME.
AND NOW NOTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.
- IT NEVER IS, SWEETIE.
WE JUST TELL OURSELVES OTHERWISE
SO WE CAN FUNCTION.
- WHO CAME UP
WITH THAT STUPID ARRANGEMENT?
- IT'S CALLED LIFE.
- LIFE SUCKS.
- YES, SOMETIMES.
OFTEN.
- THAT'S REASSURING.
- BUT IT STILL BEATS
THE ALTERNATIVE.
HONEY, THINGS WILL WORK OUT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT THEY WILL.
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW?
WHAT KIND OF PARENTAL WISDOM
IS THAT?
- HONEST.
- DON'T YOU HAVE
TO BE GETTING BACK
TO THAT HUGE CASE OF YOURS?
- OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT.
IT'S COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL.
- YO.
- HEY.
- WHATCHA' DOING?
- WALKING.
- HAIR LOOKS FINE.
- THANKS.
- LIFT?
- NAH.
- COME ON.
WE NEED TO GO FOR MORE RIDES.
- OKAY.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
ABOUT TOM AND ALL,
IT'LL BE OKAY.
- YEAH, SOME PART OF ME
KNOWS THAT.
SOME PART OF ME
IS ACTUALLY SAYING
THAT BREAKING UP IS RIGHT.
- MAYBE IT IS.
- SO HOW COME
EVERY FIVE MINUTES,
I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP?
- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN EATING OUT
OF THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN,
HAVE YOU?
- IDIOT.
- WHERE ARE WE GOING, ANYWAY?
- DARIA'S.
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO.
- HI.
- PIZZA?
- I'M NOT REALLY HUNGRY.
- NEITHER AM I.
- I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU,
BUT I HAD TO.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.
EVER.
- TOM AND I BROKE UP.
- WHAT?
NOT BECAUSE OF ME.
- NO, NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.
SO I DON'T CARE
IF YOU GO OUT WITH HIM.
IT'S FINE WITH ME.
- COME ON.
NOBODY'S THAT WELL-ADJUSTED.
- I'M SURE AS HELL NOT,
BUT TOM AND YOU MAKES MORE SENSE
THAN TOM AND ME,
SO YOU GO AHEAD AND DATE HIM,
AND I'LL GET USED TO GOING OUT
FOR PIZZA BY MYSELF.
- I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DO THAT.
- WHY NOT? IT'S WHAT YOU'VE
BEEN DOING ALL YEAR.
- SO YOU DON'T HATE ME?
- OF COURSE I HATE YOU.
YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA
STAY AWAY FROM HIM,
AND FIVE MINUTES LATER,
YOU'RE MAKING OUT IN A CAR.
WHY DID YOU EVEN GET IN?
- I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA TALK
ABOUT YOU.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
- THE LADY OR THE TIGER.
YOU TURNED OUT TO BE
A LITTLE OF BOTH, EH?
- I SWEAR, I DIDN'T...
- I KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I MADE YOU COLOR MY HAIR
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MAYBE I WAS TRYING
TO BRING SOMETHING TO A HEAD.
- HAIR. HEAD. I GET IT.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
- I WAS HOPING YOU KNEW.
- ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?
ARE WE?
- YEAH.
WE'RE THE KIND
OF FRIENDS WHO CAN'T STAND
THE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER.
- TEMPORARILY, RIGHT?
- I HOPE SO, DARIA.
I'LL SEE YOU.
[phone ringing]
- QUINN.
QUINN, PHONE.
OH, TO HELL WITH IT.
HELLO?
- DARIA?
IT'S TOM.
- ♪ THEY SAY IT'LL BE FOR SURE ♪
♪ THEY SAY WE'LL ALL BE FINE ♪
♪ THEY SAY SOMEWHERE
THERE'S A CURE ♪
♪ THAT FIRST MUST BE REFINED ♪
♪ FOREVER I'LL BE SURE ♪
♪ FOREVER YOU'LL BE FINE ♪
♪ FOREVER EATS YOU UP ♪