Daria (1997–2001): Season 3, Episode 9 - Jake of Hearts - full transcript
Jake has a heart attack and his mother comes to the Morgendorffer household to take care of him; his heart attack inspires Quinn to study to become a heart doctor; two radio DJs broadcast their show outside Lawndale High.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- I'M TELLING YOU,
PUPPETS MAKE ANYTHING FUNNY.
GIVE ME SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T FUNNY.
- A PLANE CRASH
INTO A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT.
- OKAY.
NOW PICTURE
THE SAME PLANE CRASH,
ONLY THE CABIN IS FULL
OF SCREAMING PUPPETS
FLAILING THEIR SKINNY LITTLE
PUPPET ARMS.
FUNNY, RIGHT?
- MM, MAYBE.
ARE THEY ON FIRE?
- HMM.
[tires screeching]
- HEY, LAWNDALE HIGH.
ARE YOU READY
TO PAR-TAY CRA-ZAY?
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- IF IT'S AN ICE CREAM TRUCK,
THAT BETTER BE
SOME DAMN GOOD ICE CREAM.
- WOW!
- YEAH!
- OH, MY GOD!
LOOK AT HIS HAIR.
- I'M BING.
- AND I'M THE SPATULA MAN.
WE'RE MENTAL IN THE MORNING.
- 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO BE CRAZY
TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.
- YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT!
- WHOO-HOO!
- GREAT, YOU GUYS.
- GOOD GRIEF.
- IT'S LAME DJs, CHARLIE BROWN.
- WHOO-HOO!
Together: GAH!
- THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IMAGINE, REAL-LIFE CELEBRITIES
BROADCASTING ALL WEEK LIVE
FROM LAWNDALE HIGH.
- THEY'RE NOT CELEBRITIES.
- THEY'RE DJs.
- WACKY DJs.
AND THEIR HILARIOUS ANTICS
WILL SOON SILENCE
THOSE NAYSAYERS
WHO WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE
THAT LAWNDALE HIGH
IS A PLACE OF GLOOM.
[laughs]
- OF COURSE, GETTING RID
OF THE HIDDEN CAMERAS
AND BOMB SNIFFING DOGS
WOULD ACCOMPLISH THE SAME GOAL.
- YOU GIRLS SHOULD BE
THANKING ME
FOR CARING SO MUCH
ABOUT STUDENT MORALE.
- I DON'T SUPPOSE THE SCHOOL
WOULD BE RECEIVING A LARGE FEE
FROM THE RADIO STATION
FOR PARTICIPATING IN THIS STUNT.
- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
THOSE BOMB SNIFFING DOGS
HAVE TO EAT.
[horn honking]
- COULD PUPPETS MAKE THEM FUNNY?
- MM, I WITHDRAW MY THEORY.
- WELL, ACTUALLY, ERIC,
WOULD YOU MIND
IF WE WRAP THIS UP TOMORROW?
OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY.
NO, FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT MY FAMILY
WAS JUST...
- NO, YES, SURE, OF COURSE.
NOT AT ALL.
ANYT...
NEVER.
- NOTHING LIKE TACO TUESDAY,
EH, GIRLS?
- IF I RECALL CORRECTLY,
TACO THURSDAY
WAS PRETTY SIMILAR.
- I WAS ON THE RADIO TODAY.
BING AND THE SPATULA MAN
INVITED THE FASHION CLUB
TO CRITIQUE THE OUTFITS
OF SOME LESS STYLISH STUDENTS.
- MARCONI WOULD BE SO PROUD.
- THAT SPATULA MAN IS FUNNY.
- AS ARE MOST MEN NAMED
FOR KITCHEN UTENSILS.
- HELEN, YOU'RE GONNA MISS OUT
ON ALL THE GUACAMOLE.
♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS
THE GUACAMOLE ♪
♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS
THE GUACAMOLE ♪
- ENOUGH WITH THE GUACAMOLE!
NO, NOT YOU, ERIC.
- I THINK BING
HAS A CRUSH ON ME.
DADDY, YOU'RE USING
ALL THE CHEESE!
- HEY, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR
TELL YOU ABOUT CHEESE?
NO, NOT YOU, ERIC.
HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT THE DOCTOR
TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEESE?
[laughs]
WHY, SURE.
I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT THE DOCTOR
TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEESE.
- "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU
ABOUT CHEESE, JAKE?"
"WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU
ABOUT CHEESE, JAKE?"
WHY CAN'T A MAN COME HOME
FROM HARD DAY'S WORK
AND ENJOY A LOUSY TACO WITHOUT
IT TURNING INTO...
HEY, YOU KNOW,
IT'S THE DARNDEST THING.
I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM.
- YES, I CAN PROBABLY
PUT TOGETHER A...
- [wheezing]
- DAD?
- BLERG.
- DADDY?
- ♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS
THE GUACAMOLE ♪
- JAKEY!
[siren wailing]
- WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT
FOR THE TEST RESULTS,
BUT SO FAR IT LOOKS LIKE
A VERY MILD HEART ATTACK.
- OH, NO.
- A HEART ATTACK?
[sobbing]
- A VERY MILD HEART ATTACK.
- WAS THERE MUCH DAMAGE
TO HIS HEART?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
IF HE ADOPTS THE RIGHT DIET,
EXERCISE, AND ATTITUDE,
HE SHOULD BE FINE.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
THE QUESTION,
BUT IS THERE ANYTHING
IN YOUR FATHER'S HOME LIFE
THAT MIGHT BE
CAUSING HIM STRESS?
- [stops sobbing]
- ARE BATS SNEAKING
INTO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
DISGUISED AS CUTE
FLYING SQUIRRELS?
RABID RODENT RIP-OFF,
TONIGHT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- [screaming]
THE BATS OF DEATH!
THEY'VE COME FOR ME!
- DON'T WORRY, DAD.
IT'S JUST THE BATS OF BAD TV.
- OH, JAKEY.
I PROMISE THE GIRLS AND I
WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU
FROM NOW ON.
- WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- THERE'S NO CATCH, JAKE.
THAT'S JUST YOUR MEDICATION
TALKING.
- ASSUMING HE'S ON
ANY MEDICATION.
- THIS BOOK WILL TELL US
WHAT WE NEED TO DO
NOW THAT WE HAVE A HEART ATTACK
SURVIVOR IN THE FAMILY.
- AND GUESS WHAT, DADDY.
I'M GONNA STUDY TO BE A DOCTOR.
- HEY, THAT'S GREAT.
- DR. QUINN, MEDICINE MORON.
- A HEART DOCTOR.
IF DAD HAD DIED,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN FREAKED OUT
FOR, LIKE, YEARS.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT, SWEETIE.
AVENGE MY DEATH.
- YOU'RE NOT DYING, DAD.
- AVENGE ME!
- JAKE, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE
YOURSELF A...
NEVER MIND.
HONEY, IS THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN GET FOR YOU?
- YIPE!
[machine beeping]
- I WANT MY MOMMY.
- SO MY GRANDMOTHER RUTH WILL BE
STAYING WITH US
WHILE MY DAD RECOVERS.
- IS THIS THE GRANDMOTHER
WHO SAID
SHE'D GIVE YOU A HUNDRED BUCKS
IF YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR?
- BOTH MY GRANDMOTHERS
SAID THAT.
[rock guitar]
- SPATULA MAN,
I SEE A COUPLE OF LADIES HERE
WHO I BET KNOW HOW TO PAR-TAY.
- WE REALLY SHOULD START DRIVING
BETWEEN CLASSES.
- GIRLS, WE'VE GOT
A TREASURE CHEST
FULL OF Z93 PRIZES HERE,
AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
FOR THE KEY
IS TELL US ON THE AIR
WHERE YOU LOVE TO GET MENTAL
IN THE MORNING.
- I THINK THEY HAVE
STAGE FRIGHT, SPATULA MAN.
- COME ON, GIRLS.
NOTHING TO FEAR BUT WINNING.
JUST TELL US WHICH STATION
PLAYS THE HITS
HIGH SCHOOLERS LOVE TO HEAR.
- NOTE TO SELF,
STOP BY COURTHOUSE ON WAY HOME
AND PICK UP RESTRAINING ORDER.
- WELL, NO PROBLEMO.
WE'LL JUST FIND SOME OTHER
MENTAL MORNING PARTY PEOPLE.
- THIS WILL GET WORSE
BEFORE IT GETS BETTER.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GAVE US
FREE KEY CHAINS
WITH A Z93 THINGY.
- AND LOOK,
IT'S A FLASHLIGHT TOO.
- WOW, HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
- THEY MUST BE MADE
WITH COMPUTERS.
[door bell rings]
- RUTH,
IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
- HEY.
- HI, GRANDMA RUTH.
- YEAH, HI.
- HELEN, GIRLS.
STILL HAVEN'T SETTLED
ON A DECORATOR, I SEE.
- WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER, RUTH,
I DECIDED TO DECORATE
THE HOUSE MYSELF.
- OH, MARVELOUS.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING IT
ONCE YOU GET STARTED.
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
IT'S ALREADY...
- AND HOW ARE MY LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTERS?
DARIA, YOU LOOK...
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
- ACTUALLY, I'VE HAD A NUMBER
OF BIONIC LIMBS INSTALLED.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
BUT AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GET
A TATTOO, I'LL BE HAPPY.
- YOU MEAN ANOTHER TATTOO.
- AND HOW'S MY BEAUTIFUL
LITTLE QUINN?
IS THAT A STETHOSCOPE?
- I NEED TO GET USED
TO COORDINATING OUTFITS
AROUND IT.
I'M STUDYING TO BE
A HEART DOCTOR.
SO THE NEXT TIME
MY DAD COLLAPSES,
I CAN SAVE HIM.
- QUINN, GIRLS AS PRETTY AS YOU
DON'T NEED TO BECOME DOCTORS.
- I KNOW.
BUT IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,
A CALLING.
- WHERE'S MY JAKEY?
- MOM, IS THAT YOU?
- JAKEY, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE YELLING.
DIDN'T YOU GIVE HIM A BELL?
- WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO,
OF COURSE.
- REALLY.
- THIS DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT A BELL.
- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA
LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- "OH, IT OFFENDS ME TO THE SOUL
"TO HEAR A ROBUSTIOUS
PERIWEG-PATED FELLOW
"TEAR A PASSION TO TATERS,
TO VERY RAGS,
TO SPLIT THE EARS
OF THE GROUNDLINGS"...
- COMING UP,
OUR RAUNCH-A-RIFFIC LIST
OF 101 WORDS FOR SEX!
- [gasps]
[all cheering]
- [laughs]
- SO THE STORIES WERE RIGHT.
PEOPLE REALLY DO USE THESE
PECULIAR ROOMS TO PREPARE FOOD.
- WELCOME HOME, DEAR.
I'M JUST TEACHING YOUR MOTHER
HOW TO COOK.
- OH, NONSENSE.
I COOK ALL THE TIME.
DON'T I, DARIA?
- WELL...
- WHAT EXACTLY
ARE YOU MAKING, HELEN?
- CHINESE CHICKEN WITH PEA PODS.
- MM-HMM.
YOU DO REALIZE
THAT'S A PIECE OF FISH.
- UGH, THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
DARIA, HAVE YOU EVER
READ THIS BOOK?
- THROMBOCYTOPENIC COMPLICATIONS
AFTER STENT PLACEMENT
POST CORONARY ARTERY
ANGIOPLASTY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START OFF
WITH SOMETHING EASIER.
MANY COLORING BOOKS
FEATURE HEARTS AND RAINBOWS.
- COME ON, JAKEY.
YOU'VE GOT TO EAT SOMETHING.
- BUT I DON'T LIKE OATMEAL.
- IF YOU EAT IT,
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME APPLE JUICE.
- WITH A STRAW?
- PRETEND THE SPOON
IS AN AIRPLANE.
WORKS EVERY TIME.
DARIA, COULD YOU FEED
YOUR FATHER FOR A MINUTE?
- I'M SURE HE CAN...
- THANKS, DEAR.
- DARIA, MY ELDEST, MY HEIR.
- WELL, IF I MANAGE
TO BUMP OFF MOM
AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
AN ACCIDENT.
- THIS IS SERIOUS, DARIA.
I MAY NOT BE LONG
FOR THIS EARTH.
AND WHEN I GO,
IT COULD WELL FALL ON YOU
TO PUT THINGS IN ORDER.
YOUR MOTHER, OF COURSE,
WILL BE SO STRICKEN WITH GRIEF
SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO FUNCTION.
AND QUINN, SHE'S JUST
SO VERY YOUNG.
OH, GOD, MY LITTLE QUINN!
[sobbing]
- DAD, YOU'RE NOT DYING.
THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'D BE FINE
AFTER SOME REST.
- TO THINK I PROMISED TO WALK
YOU DOWN THE AISLE ONE DAY.
- NOW THERE'S A REQUEST
I DEFINITELY
DON'T REMEMBER MAKING.
- DARIA, YOU DON'T GET IT.
THE REAPER COULD WALK
INTO THIS ROOM AT ANY MOMENT.
- TIME FOR SOMEONE'S
SPONGE BATH.
- [screams]
- HEY, SPATULA MAN.
LET'S REMIND OUR AUDIENCE
WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE
THIS MORNING.
- IT'S SIMPLE, BING.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE A LOVE MATCH
FOR THIS YOUNG MAN
LIVE ON THE AIR.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, CHIEF?
- CHARLES IS MY NAME.
EXPLORING THE DARK UNDERBELLY
OF PASSION IS MY GAME.
- [laughs]
OKAY, CHARLES.
THE FIRST GIRL OUT HERE
IN OUR AUDIENCE
TO AGREE TO A DATE WITH YOU
IS GONNA GET A FREE
MENTAL IN THE MORNING
BUMPER STICKER.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY, LADIES?
- EW!
- UPCHUCK?
- NO WAY.
- A DATE FOR A BUMPER STICKER?
- EVEN UPCHUCK DOESN'T DESERVE
THIS MUCH HUMILIATION.
- THINK HOW THE BUMPER STICKER
MUST FEEL.
- WELL, CHARLES, LOOKS LIKE
THE RESPONSE IS UNDERWHELMING,
TO SAY THE LEAST.
- NO, NO.
THEY'RE ALWAYS SHY AT FIRST.
IT MAKES THEM MORE MYSTERIOUS.
- HEY, IF THEY WON'T
COME TO YOU, CARLOS,
THE SPATULA MAN AIN'T TOO PROUD
TO GO TO THEM.
- HEY!
- OW.
- WATCH IT, SPATULA GEEK.
- HEY, CHICK-A-RITAS,
WHICH ONE OF YOU LOVELIES
WANTS TO GO OUT
FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
WITH MY MAN CHARLES
AND WIN A FREE BUMPER STICKER
ON Z93?
- TIFFANY DEAR,
WOULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN
TO THE SPATULA MAN
WHY A BUMPER STICKER CANNOT
POSSIBLE COMPENSATE
FOR THE SHAME AND PERMANENT
REPUTATION DAMAGE
INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE DATE
WITH CHARLES RUTTHEIMER?
- UPCHUCK?
EW.
- WELL DONE.
- HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
UP FOR A DATE
WITH OUR DON JUAN DE LAWNDALE?
- NO THANKS.
- DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
YOUR VOICE ON THE RADIO?
COME ON.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE
A DATE.
- CLIMB ON UP HERE, KITTEN.
LET ME BE YOUR BALL OF YARN.
[purring]
- OKAY, YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.
- YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
- I'LL JUST RUN HOME FIRST
AND TAKE A TEN-YEAR SHOWER.
- BED, COME ON.
I NEED LUMBAR SUPPORT,
LUMBAR SUPPORT!
- JAKE, CALM DOWN.
YOUR FATHER NEVER
USED TO CARRY ON LIKE THIS.
- OF COURSE NOT.
EXPRESSING EMOTION REQUIRES
A SOUL.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
DAD WAS A DECENT, CARING MAN.
- OH, SURE HE WAS.
CARING ENOUGH TO SHIP ME
OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL
FIRST CHANCE HE GOT.
- BUT YOU ASKED FOR MORE
STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE.
- ALL I SAID WAS I MIGHT
WANT TO GO TO TENNIS CAMP.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- BUT DAD TWISTED
MY WORDS AROUND,
THE SAME WAY HE TWISTED MY
ENTIRE ADOLESCENCE
INTO A BITTER HANGMAN'S NOOSE
OF RESENTMENT AND ISOLATION.
HE WOULDN'T EVEN
TEACH ME TO SHAVE.
- NOW, JAKE.
YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER HAD
A RAZOR PHOBIA.
- I HAD TO LEARN BEHIND
THE MUNITIONS HUT
FROM CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN.
- THAT MAN WITH ONE THUMB?
[game buzzing]
- DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THIS PATTERN?
YOUR GRANDMOTHER SEEMS TO THINK
OUR CURRENT DRAPES
AREN'T CHEERY ENOUGH.
I'LL SHOW HER CHEERY.
- THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST
TIME FOR YOU TO BE WORKING
NEAR LARGE PANES OF GLASS.
- OH, DARN IT.
I THOUGHT THIS SURGERY THING
WOULD BE A LOT EASIER.
- DON'T WORRY.
WHEN YOU OPERATE
ON REAL PEOPLE,
THEIR NOSES DON'T LIGHT UP.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE STOMACH
ON THIS PATIENT GUY?
NO WONDER HE HAS TO GET
ALL THIS STUFF REMOVED.
[phone ringing]
- UM, QUINN.
THAT IS THE PHONE, ISN'T IT?
- SORRY, I'M STUDYING.
[buzzing continues]
- HELLO?
MOM, IT'S MARY ANNE
AT THE OFFICE.
- I'LL JUST HAVE
TO CALL HER BACK.
USE THE MESSAGE PAD.
- MESSAGE PAD?
SHE'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU
WHEN SHE REGAINS HER SANITY.
NO, I DON'T KNOW
WHEN THAT WILL BE.
OKAY, BYE.
[phone beeps]
[phone ringing]
HELLO?
YES, QUINN'S HERE,
BUT SHE'S STUDYING.
[slowly]
STUDYING.
NO, THIS ISN'T A PRANK CALL.
YOU CALLED ME.
OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
[game buzzing]
THAT WAS...
- MESSAGE PAD.
DARN GALL BLADDER.
- NO MATTER WHAT I DID,
HE'D ALWAYS DONE IT BETTER.
- HE GAVE ME $50 A MONTH
FOR MY ALLOWANCE.
ALLOWANCE!
AS IF KEEPING HIS HOUSE SPOTLESS
AND RAISING HIS CHILDREN
WAS ONLY WORTH THE PRICE
OF A COUPLE OF GIRDLES.
- TRIED TO MOLD ME
INTO A SOLDIER,
BUT DID HE EVER LET ME HAVE
A G.I. JOE?
DIDN'T WANT HIS BOYS PLAYING
WITH DOLLS, HE SAID.
- OH, JAKE.
I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THAT DOLL.
- IT WAS AN ACTION FIGURE.
- I'M SORRY, JAKEY.
IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER,
I'D STAND UP FOR YOU
AGAINST YOUR FATHER.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'D DO A LOT OF THINGS
DIFFERENTLY.
OH, OH, MY.
[sighs]
FEEL A LITTLE FAINT.
MY CHEST.
- MOMMY?
SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, OLD MAN?
HOW MANY MORE LIVES, DAD?
HOW MANY MORE LIVES?
[game buzzing]
- DARIA,
WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?
- I THINK WE MAY HAVE ANOTHER
PATIENT ON OUR HANDS.
ANYWAY,
THE DOCTOR CHECKED HER OUT,
AND SHE'S OKAY.
IT WAS JUST GAS FROM MY MOTHER'S
HEART-SMART LIMA BEAN CUPCAKES.
- SHE COLLAPSED
RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR DAD?
THAT'S SO SWEET.
I MEAN, IN A TWISTED,
HORRIBLE SORT OF WAY.
- I GUESS.
- THEY'RE NOT STILL
IN BED TOGETHER, ARE THEY?
- HEART DISEASE,
BORDERLINE PSYCHOSIS:
I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT LIES
BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE
IN THE MORGENDORFFER
GENETIC CODE.
- IT COULD BE WORSE.
YOU COULD COME FROM A FAMILY
OF WACKY MORNING DJs.
- DON'T REMIND ME.
BETWEEN DAD AND THE PARTY VAN,
LIFE'S BECOME A LIVING HELL
AT HOME AND AT SCHOOL.
- DON'T WORRY.
THE VAN WILL MOVE ON SOON
OR BE DESTROYED
IN A MYSTERIOUS BOMBING.
I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
- THERE'S NO PLACE LEFT
FOR ME TO HIDE.
- YOU COULD ALWAYS DIVE
INTO A WOODED THICKET.
HEY, IT WORKS FOR BUNNIES.
- Z93 MAKES ME
MENTAL IN THE MORNING!
[gasping]
- WHOO-HOO!
- YEAH!
[all cheering]
- I'VE SEEN MORE PEOPLE COLLAPSE
THIS WEEK.
- THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
BUT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN
A T-SHIRT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
- THERE MUST BE SOME
OTHER STUDENTS OUT THERE
WHO CAN TELL US ON THE AIR
WHY Z93
MAKES THEM
MENTAL IN THE MORNING.
- ME, ME!
[all shouting]
- YOU THERE, IN THE GREEN.
YEAH, YOU!
- ONCE AGAIN,
I'M BEING PERSONALLY ADDRESSED
BY A MORNING DJ.
- THAT'S IT.
I WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
- YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING US
ALL WEEK LONG.
WHY NOT COME UP HERE
AND TELL US WHY Z93 MAKES YOU
MENTAL IN THE MORNING?
- FREE T-SHIRT.
- IT'S TWO SIZES TOO LARGE
AND TISSUE THIN.
HOW CAN YOU RESIST?
- I'D FINALLY HAVE A DECENT
OUTFIT FOR THE AUTO SHOW.
- BUT ARE YOU
MENTAL IN THE MORNING?
- YOU KNOW, I THINK I AM.
[all cheering]
A FEW DAYS AGO,
MY FATHER HAD A HEART ATTACK,
FORCING ME TO ADMIT
HIS MORTALITY TO MYSELF
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
ACCEPTING THIS GRIM
NEW KNOWLEDGE
HAS BEEN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT,
AS I'VE BEEN UNDER CONSTANT
YAMMERING ASSAULT
BY TWO UTTERLY BRAINLESS
AND TALENTLESS
SO-CALLED RADIO PERSONALITIES.
AND SO FOR THESE REASONS,
I, DARIA MORGENDORFFER,
AM MENTAL IN THE MORNING.
[tires squealing]
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S BASICALLY
YOUR CHILI RECIPE
BUT WITH HALF THE FAT.
- JAKE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
HE GREW UP WITH MY CHILI.
- AND NOW HE'S HAD
A HEART ATTACK.
- I'M SURE YOU DID
THE BEST YOU COULD.
CHILI'S NOT EASY
FOR SOMEONE WHO SO RARELY
GETS TO COOK FOR HER FAMILY.
- NOW, RUTH...
- [gasps]
together: QUINN?
- DID YOU KNOW THE HEART CAN
TAKE BLUE BLOOD AND MAKE IT RED?
- QUINN, IF YOU DON'T TAKE
YOUR NOSE OUT OF THAT BOOK
FROM TIME TO TIME,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET WRINKLES.
- I THOUGHT OF THAT.
BUT THE LADY AT THE MAKEUP
COUNTER SAID READING IS OKAY
AS LONG AS I PACE MYSELF.
- WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER
JUST TO MARRY A NICE DOCTOR?
THEN YOU COULD STAY HOME
WITH YOUR CHILDREN
AND HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE
FOR YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT.
- JUST WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING AT, RUTH?
- SHE WANTS YOU BOTH TO MODEL
YOUR LIVES AFTER HERS.
AND WHO COULD BLAME HER?
AFTER ALL, YOU WERE JUST TELLING
DAD YESTERDAY
HOW YOU MADE ALL THE RIGHT
DECISIONS IN YOUR LIFE.
RIGHT, GRANDMA?
- I... WELL...
I NEED TO CHECK ON THE LAUNDRY.
- YOU BOTH OWE ME.
- HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?
- YOU GOT ME.
- HOW ARE YOU FEELING, JAKEY?
- OH, BETTER, I GUESS.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFICULT
WHEN YOUR FIRST MAJOR ORGAN
DECIDES TO BETRAY YOU.
- JUST BE THANKFUL YOUR PANCREAS
IS STILL ON YOUR SIDE.
- DARIA, HOW AM I DOING
AS A DAD?
- UM, I'M NOT SURE
WHAT YOU MEAN.
- MY FATHER ALWAYS HAD TO
POINT OUT HOW I WAS SCREWING UP.
AND THAT SCREWED ME UP.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I NEVER
MAKE YOU GIRLS FEEL THAT WAY,
LESS WORTHWHILE OR INTELLIGENT
THAN YOUR OLD MAN.
- HERE, I DID THE HARD PARTS
OF THE CROSSWORD FOR YOU.
THANKS, KIDDO.
- DON'T WORRY, DAD.
I'M SURE YOU'RE DOING BETTER
THAN YOUR FATHER DID.
FOR STARTERS,
WASN'T HE DEAD AT YOUR AGE?
- HEY!
- DO DOCTORS IN OPERATING ROOMS
HAVE TO WEAR THESE MASKS?
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE GOOD
FOR YOUR PORES.
- NOT NOW, QUINN!
I MIXED UP THE SUGAR
AND THE SALT AGAIN.
- YAHOO!
I'M BETTER THAN HIM,
BETTER THAN HIM AT LIVING.
HE WAS DEAD AT MY AGE.
WAHOO!
- WAS THAT JAKEY?
- MOM, DOES THIS MEAN THAT DADDY
ISN'T GOING TO DIE?
- I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY
THAT DADDY'S BETTER NOW, HONEY.
- WHERE'S THAT MESSAGE PAD?
- YOU CAN USE THIS PHONE.
I'LL USE MY CELLULAR.
[phones beeping]
- YAY!
HELLO, FRONT LAWN.
HELLO, GARBAGE TRUCK!
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
YOU WONDERFUL OLD GARDEN GNOME.
- SO GRANDMA RUTH JUST TOOK OFF?
- SHE FINALLY REALIZED SHE WAS
DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD.
- AND DID YOU PERHAPS HELP HER
REALIZE THAT?
- I MAY HAVE HAD A HAND
IN HER EPIPHANY.
- HOPE YOU WASHED IT THOROUGHLY.
SO WITH THE PARTY VAN GONE,
I GUESS YOUR LIFE
IS BACK TO NORMAL
AT SCHOOL AND AT HOME.
- YOU KNOW,
AS STUPID AS BOTH PLACES ARE,
I SEE NOW THAT THEY COULD BE
A LOT WORSE.
- WHY, DARIA,
ARE YOU BECOMING AN OPTIMIST?
- HMM, I'M NOT SURE.
HOLD UP YOUR GLASS.
- NOPE, STILL HALF EMPTY.
- GUESS IT WAS JUST A PHASE.
- ALTHOUGH THE HALF THAT'S THERE
LOOKS DELIGHTFULLY REFRESHING.
[rock music]
- ALL RIGHT, PARTY PIZZA PEOPLE.
THIS IS THE Z93 PARTY VAN,
AND WE'LL BE BROADCASTING LIVE
ALL WEEK FROM RIGHT HERE
AT THE BEST PIZZA PLACE IN TOWN.
NOW, WHO HERE DIGS DJs?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- I'M TELLING YOU,
PUPPETS MAKE ANYTHING FUNNY.
GIVE ME SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T FUNNY.
- A PLANE CRASH
INTO A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT.
- OKAY.
NOW PICTURE
THE SAME PLANE CRASH,
ONLY THE CABIN IS FULL
OF SCREAMING PUPPETS
FLAILING THEIR SKINNY LITTLE
PUPPET ARMS.
FUNNY, RIGHT?
- MM, MAYBE.
ARE THEY ON FIRE?
- HMM.
[tires screeching]
- HEY, LAWNDALE HIGH.
ARE YOU READY
TO PAR-TAY CRA-ZAY?
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- IF IT'S AN ICE CREAM TRUCK,
THAT BETTER BE
SOME DAMN GOOD ICE CREAM.
- WOW!
- YEAH!
- OH, MY GOD!
LOOK AT HIS HAIR.
- I'M BING.
- AND I'M THE SPATULA MAN.
WE'RE MENTAL IN THE MORNING.
- 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO BE CRAZY
TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.
- YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT!
- WHOO-HOO!
- GREAT, YOU GUYS.
- GOOD GRIEF.
- IT'S LAME DJs, CHARLIE BROWN.
- WHOO-HOO!
Together: GAH!
- THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IMAGINE, REAL-LIFE CELEBRITIES
BROADCASTING ALL WEEK LIVE
FROM LAWNDALE HIGH.
- THEY'RE NOT CELEBRITIES.
- THEY'RE DJs.
- WACKY DJs.
AND THEIR HILARIOUS ANTICS
WILL SOON SILENCE
THOSE NAYSAYERS
WHO WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE
THAT LAWNDALE HIGH
IS A PLACE OF GLOOM.
[laughs]
- OF COURSE, GETTING RID
OF THE HIDDEN CAMERAS
AND BOMB SNIFFING DOGS
WOULD ACCOMPLISH THE SAME GOAL.
- YOU GIRLS SHOULD BE
THANKING ME
FOR CARING SO MUCH
ABOUT STUDENT MORALE.
- I DON'T SUPPOSE THE SCHOOL
WOULD BE RECEIVING A LARGE FEE
FROM THE RADIO STATION
FOR PARTICIPATING IN THIS STUNT.
- MS. MORGENDORFFER,
THOSE BOMB SNIFFING DOGS
HAVE TO EAT.
[horn honking]
- COULD PUPPETS MAKE THEM FUNNY?
- MM, I WITHDRAW MY THEORY.
- WELL, ACTUALLY, ERIC,
WOULD YOU MIND
IF WE WRAP THIS UP TOMORROW?
OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY.
NO, FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT MY FAMILY
WAS JUST...
- NO, YES, SURE, OF COURSE.
NOT AT ALL.
ANYT...
NEVER.
- NOTHING LIKE TACO TUESDAY,
EH, GIRLS?
- IF I RECALL CORRECTLY,
TACO THURSDAY
WAS PRETTY SIMILAR.
- I WAS ON THE RADIO TODAY.
BING AND THE SPATULA MAN
INVITED THE FASHION CLUB
TO CRITIQUE THE OUTFITS
OF SOME LESS STYLISH STUDENTS.
- MARCONI WOULD BE SO PROUD.
- THAT SPATULA MAN IS FUNNY.
- AS ARE MOST MEN NAMED
FOR KITCHEN UTENSILS.
- HELEN, YOU'RE GONNA MISS OUT
ON ALL THE GUACAMOLE.
♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS
THE GUACAMOLE ♪
♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS
THE GUACAMOLE ♪
- ENOUGH WITH THE GUACAMOLE!
NO, NOT YOU, ERIC.
- I THINK BING
HAS A CRUSH ON ME.
DADDY, YOU'RE USING
ALL THE CHEESE!
- HEY, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR
TELL YOU ABOUT CHEESE?
NO, NOT YOU, ERIC.
HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT THE DOCTOR
TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEESE?
[laughs]
WHY, SURE.
I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT THE DOCTOR
TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEESE.
- "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU
ABOUT CHEESE, JAKE?"
"WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU
ABOUT CHEESE, JAKE?"
WHY CAN'T A MAN COME HOME
FROM HARD DAY'S WORK
AND ENJOY A LOUSY TACO WITHOUT
IT TURNING INTO...
HEY, YOU KNOW,
IT'S THE DARNDEST THING.
I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM.
- YES, I CAN PROBABLY
PUT TOGETHER A...
- [wheezing]
- DAD?
- BLERG.
- DADDY?
- ♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS
THE GUACAMOLE ♪
- JAKEY!
[siren wailing]
- WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT
FOR THE TEST RESULTS,
BUT SO FAR IT LOOKS LIKE
A VERY MILD HEART ATTACK.
- OH, NO.
- A HEART ATTACK?
[sobbing]
- A VERY MILD HEART ATTACK.
- WAS THERE MUCH DAMAGE
TO HIS HEART?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
IF HE ADOPTS THE RIGHT DIET,
EXERCISE, AND ATTITUDE,
HE SHOULD BE FINE.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
THE QUESTION,
BUT IS THERE ANYTHING
IN YOUR FATHER'S HOME LIFE
THAT MIGHT BE
CAUSING HIM STRESS?
- [stops sobbing]
- ARE BATS SNEAKING
INTO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
DISGUISED AS CUTE
FLYING SQUIRRELS?
RABID RODENT RIP-OFF,
TONIGHT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- [screaming]
THE BATS OF DEATH!
THEY'VE COME FOR ME!
- DON'T WORRY, DAD.
IT'S JUST THE BATS OF BAD TV.
- OH, JAKEY.
I PROMISE THE GIRLS AND I
WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU
FROM NOW ON.
- WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- THERE'S NO CATCH, JAKE.
THAT'S JUST YOUR MEDICATION
TALKING.
- ASSUMING HE'S ON
ANY MEDICATION.
- THIS BOOK WILL TELL US
WHAT WE NEED TO DO
NOW THAT WE HAVE A HEART ATTACK
SURVIVOR IN THE FAMILY.
- AND GUESS WHAT, DADDY.
I'M GONNA STUDY TO BE A DOCTOR.
- HEY, THAT'S GREAT.
- DR. QUINN, MEDICINE MORON.
- A HEART DOCTOR.
IF DAD HAD DIED,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN FREAKED OUT
FOR, LIKE, YEARS.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT, SWEETIE.
AVENGE MY DEATH.
- YOU'RE NOT DYING, DAD.
- AVENGE ME!
- JAKE, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE
YOURSELF A...
NEVER MIND.
HONEY, IS THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN GET FOR YOU?
- YIPE!
[machine beeping]
- I WANT MY MOMMY.
- SO MY GRANDMOTHER RUTH WILL BE
STAYING WITH US
WHILE MY DAD RECOVERS.
- IS THIS THE GRANDMOTHER
WHO SAID
SHE'D GIVE YOU A HUNDRED BUCKS
IF YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR?
- BOTH MY GRANDMOTHERS
SAID THAT.
[rock guitar]
- SPATULA MAN,
I SEE A COUPLE OF LADIES HERE
WHO I BET KNOW HOW TO PAR-TAY.
- WE REALLY SHOULD START DRIVING
BETWEEN CLASSES.
- GIRLS, WE'VE GOT
A TREASURE CHEST
FULL OF Z93 PRIZES HERE,
AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
FOR THE KEY
IS TELL US ON THE AIR
WHERE YOU LOVE TO GET MENTAL
IN THE MORNING.
- I THINK THEY HAVE
STAGE FRIGHT, SPATULA MAN.
- COME ON, GIRLS.
NOTHING TO FEAR BUT WINNING.
JUST TELL US WHICH STATION
PLAYS THE HITS
HIGH SCHOOLERS LOVE TO HEAR.
- NOTE TO SELF,
STOP BY COURTHOUSE ON WAY HOME
AND PICK UP RESTRAINING ORDER.
- WELL, NO PROBLEMO.
WE'LL JUST FIND SOME OTHER
MENTAL MORNING PARTY PEOPLE.
- THIS WILL GET WORSE
BEFORE IT GETS BETTER.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GAVE US
FREE KEY CHAINS
WITH A Z93 THINGY.
- AND LOOK,
IT'S A FLASHLIGHT TOO.
- WOW, HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
- THEY MUST BE MADE
WITH COMPUTERS.
[door bell rings]
- RUTH,
IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
- HEY.
- HI, GRANDMA RUTH.
- YEAH, HI.
- HELEN, GIRLS.
STILL HAVEN'T SETTLED
ON A DECORATOR, I SEE.
- WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER, RUTH,
I DECIDED TO DECORATE
THE HOUSE MYSELF.
- OH, MARVELOUS.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING IT
ONCE YOU GET STARTED.
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
IT'S ALREADY...
- AND HOW ARE MY LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTERS?
DARIA, YOU LOOK...
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
- ACTUALLY, I'VE HAD A NUMBER
OF BIONIC LIMBS INSTALLED.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
BUT AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GET
A TATTOO, I'LL BE HAPPY.
- YOU MEAN ANOTHER TATTOO.
- AND HOW'S MY BEAUTIFUL
LITTLE QUINN?
IS THAT A STETHOSCOPE?
- I NEED TO GET USED
TO COORDINATING OUTFITS
AROUND IT.
I'M STUDYING TO BE
A HEART DOCTOR.
SO THE NEXT TIME
MY DAD COLLAPSES,
I CAN SAVE HIM.
- QUINN, GIRLS AS PRETTY AS YOU
DON'T NEED TO BECOME DOCTORS.
- I KNOW.
BUT IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,
A CALLING.
- WHERE'S MY JAKEY?
- MOM, IS THAT YOU?
- JAKEY, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE YELLING.
DIDN'T YOU GIVE HIM A BELL?
- WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO,
OF COURSE.
- REALLY.
- THIS DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT A BELL.
- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA
LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- "OH, IT OFFENDS ME TO THE SOUL
"TO HEAR A ROBUSTIOUS
PERIWEG-PATED FELLOW
"TEAR A PASSION TO TATERS,
TO VERY RAGS,
TO SPLIT THE EARS
OF THE GROUNDLINGS"...
- COMING UP,
OUR RAUNCH-A-RIFFIC LIST
OF 101 WORDS FOR SEX!
- [gasps]
[all cheering]
- [laughs]
- SO THE STORIES WERE RIGHT.
PEOPLE REALLY DO USE THESE
PECULIAR ROOMS TO PREPARE FOOD.
- WELCOME HOME, DEAR.
I'M JUST TEACHING YOUR MOTHER
HOW TO COOK.
- OH, NONSENSE.
I COOK ALL THE TIME.
DON'T I, DARIA?
- WELL...
- WHAT EXACTLY
ARE YOU MAKING, HELEN?
- CHINESE CHICKEN WITH PEA PODS.
- MM-HMM.
YOU DO REALIZE
THAT'S A PIECE OF FISH.
- UGH, THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
DARIA, HAVE YOU EVER
READ THIS BOOK?
- THROMBOCYTOPENIC COMPLICATIONS
AFTER STENT PLACEMENT
POST CORONARY ARTERY
ANGIOPLASTY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START OFF
WITH SOMETHING EASIER.
MANY COLORING BOOKS
FEATURE HEARTS AND RAINBOWS.
- COME ON, JAKEY.
YOU'VE GOT TO EAT SOMETHING.
- BUT I DON'T LIKE OATMEAL.
- IF YOU EAT IT,
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME APPLE JUICE.
- WITH A STRAW?
- PRETEND THE SPOON
IS AN AIRPLANE.
WORKS EVERY TIME.
DARIA, COULD YOU FEED
YOUR FATHER FOR A MINUTE?
- I'M SURE HE CAN...
- THANKS, DEAR.
- DARIA, MY ELDEST, MY HEIR.
- WELL, IF I MANAGE
TO BUMP OFF MOM
AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
AN ACCIDENT.
- THIS IS SERIOUS, DARIA.
I MAY NOT BE LONG
FOR THIS EARTH.
AND WHEN I GO,
IT COULD WELL FALL ON YOU
TO PUT THINGS IN ORDER.
YOUR MOTHER, OF COURSE,
WILL BE SO STRICKEN WITH GRIEF
SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO FUNCTION.
AND QUINN, SHE'S JUST
SO VERY YOUNG.
OH, GOD, MY LITTLE QUINN!
[sobbing]
- DAD, YOU'RE NOT DYING.
THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'D BE FINE
AFTER SOME REST.
- TO THINK I PROMISED TO WALK
YOU DOWN THE AISLE ONE DAY.
- NOW THERE'S A REQUEST
I DEFINITELY
DON'T REMEMBER MAKING.
- DARIA, YOU DON'T GET IT.
THE REAPER COULD WALK
INTO THIS ROOM AT ANY MOMENT.
- TIME FOR SOMEONE'S
SPONGE BATH.
- [screams]
- HEY, SPATULA MAN.
LET'S REMIND OUR AUDIENCE
WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE
THIS MORNING.
- IT'S SIMPLE, BING.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE A LOVE MATCH
FOR THIS YOUNG MAN
LIVE ON THE AIR.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, CHIEF?
- CHARLES IS MY NAME.
EXPLORING THE DARK UNDERBELLY
OF PASSION IS MY GAME.
- [laughs]
OKAY, CHARLES.
THE FIRST GIRL OUT HERE
IN OUR AUDIENCE
TO AGREE TO A DATE WITH YOU
IS GONNA GET A FREE
MENTAL IN THE MORNING
BUMPER STICKER.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY, LADIES?
- EW!
- UPCHUCK?
- NO WAY.
- A DATE FOR A BUMPER STICKER?
- EVEN UPCHUCK DOESN'T DESERVE
THIS MUCH HUMILIATION.
- THINK HOW THE BUMPER STICKER
MUST FEEL.
- WELL, CHARLES, LOOKS LIKE
THE RESPONSE IS UNDERWHELMING,
TO SAY THE LEAST.
- NO, NO.
THEY'RE ALWAYS SHY AT FIRST.
IT MAKES THEM MORE MYSTERIOUS.
- HEY, IF THEY WON'T
COME TO YOU, CARLOS,
THE SPATULA MAN AIN'T TOO PROUD
TO GO TO THEM.
- HEY!
- OW.
- WATCH IT, SPATULA GEEK.
- HEY, CHICK-A-RITAS,
WHICH ONE OF YOU LOVELIES
WANTS TO GO OUT
FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
WITH MY MAN CHARLES
AND WIN A FREE BUMPER STICKER
ON Z93?
- TIFFANY DEAR,
WOULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN
TO THE SPATULA MAN
WHY A BUMPER STICKER CANNOT
POSSIBLE COMPENSATE
FOR THE SHAME AND PERMANENT
REPUTATION DAMAGE
INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE DATE
WITH CHARLES RUTTHEIMER?
- UPCHUCK?
EW.
- WELL DONE.
- HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
UP FOR A DATE
WITH OUR DON JUAN DE LAWNDALE?
- NO THANKS.
- DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
YOUR VOICE ON THE RADIO?
COME ON.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE
A DATE.
- CLIMB ON UP HERE, KITTEN.
LET ME BE YOUR BALL OF YARN.
[purring]
- OKAY, YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.
- YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
- I'LL JUST RUN HOME FIRST
AND TAKE A TEN-YEAR SHOWER.
- BED, COME ON.
I NEED LUMBAR SUPPORT,
LUMBAR SUPPORT!
- JAKE, CALM DOWN.
YOUR FATHER NEVER
USED TO CARRY ON LIKE THIS.
- OF COURSE NOT.
EXPRESSING EMOTION REQUIRES
A SOUL.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
DAD WAS A DECENT, CARING MAN.
- OH, SURE HE WAS.
CARING ENOUGH TO SHIP ME
OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL
FIRST CHANCE HE GOT.
- BUT YOU ASKED FOR MORE
STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE.
- ALL I SAID WAS I MIGHT
WANT TO GO TO TENNIS CAMP.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- BUT DAD TWISTED
MY WORDS AROUND,
THE SAME WAY HE TWISTED MY
ENTIRE ADOLESCENCE
INTO A BITTER HANGMAN'S NOOSE
OF RESENTMENT AND ISOLATION.
HE WOULDN'T EVEN
TEACH ME TO SHAVE.
- NOW, JAKE.
YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER HAD
A RAZOR PHOBIA.
- I HAD TO LEARN BEHIND
THE MUNITIONS HUT
FROM CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN.
- THAT MAN WITH ONE THUMB?
[game buzzing]
- DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THIS PATTERN?
YOUR GRANDMOTHER SEEMS TO THINK
OUR CURRENT DRAPES
AREN'T CHEERY ENOUGH.
I'LL SHOW HER CHEERY.
- THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST
TIME FOR YOU TO BE WORKING
NEAR LARGE PANES OF GLASS.
- OH, DARN IT.
I THOUGHT THIS SURGERY THING
WOULD BE A LOT EASIER.
- DON'T WORRY.
WHEN YOU OPERATE
ON REAL PEOPLE,
THEIR NOSES DON'T LIGHT UP.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE STOMACH
ON THIS PATIENT GUY?
NO WONDER HE HAS TO GET
ALL THIS STUFF REMOVED.
[phone ringing]
- UM, QUINN.
THAT IS THE PHONE, ISN'T IT?
- SORRY, I'M STUDYING.
[buzzing continues]
- HELLO?
MOM, IT'S MARY ANNE
AT THE OFFICE.
- I'LL JUST HAVE
TO CALL HER BACK.
USE THE MESSAGE PAD.
- MESSAGE PAD?
SHE'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU
WHEN SHE REGAINS HER SANITY.
NO, I DON'T KNOW
WHEN THAT WILL BE.
OKAY, BYE.
[phone beeps]
[phone ringing]
HELLO?
YES, QUINN'S HERE,
BUT SHE'S STUDYING.
[slowly]
STUDYING.
NO, THIS ISN'T A PRANK CALL.
YOU CALLED ME.
OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
[game buzzing]
THAT WAS...
- MESSAGE PAD.
DARN GALL BLADDER.
- NO MATTER WHAT I DID,
HE'D ALWAYS DONE IT BETTER.
- HE GAVE ME $50 A MONTH
FOR MY ALLOWANCE.
ALLOWANCE!
AS IF KEEPING HIS HOUSE SPOTLESS
AND RAISING HIS CHILDREN
WAS ONLY WORTH THE PRICE
OF A COUPLE OF GIRDLES.
- TRIED TO MOLD ME
INTO A SOLDIER,
BUT DID HE EVER LET ME HAVE
A G.I. JOE?
DIDN'T WANT HIS BOYS PLAYING
WITH DOLLS, HE SAID.
- OH, JAKE.
I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THAT DOLL.
- IT WAS AN ACTION FIGURE.
- I'M SORRY, JAKEY.
IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER,
I'D STAND UP FOR YOU
AGAINST YOUR FATHER.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'D DO A LOT OF THINGS
DIFFERENTLY.
OH, OH, MY.
[sighs]
FEEL A LITTLE FAINT.
MY CHEST.
- MOMMY?
SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, OLD MAN?
HOW MANY MORE LIVES, DAD?
HOW MANY MORE LIVES?
[game buzzing]
- DARIA,
WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?
- I THINK WE MAY HAVE ANOTHER
PATIENT ON OUR HANDS.
ANYWAY,
THE DOCTOR CHECKED HER OUT,
AND SHE'S OKAY.
IT WAS JUST GAS FROM MY MOTHER'S
HEART-SMART LIMA BEAN CUPCAKES.
- SHE COLLAPSED
RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR DAD?
THAT'S SO SWEET.
I MEAN, IN A TWISTED,
HORRIBLE SORT OF WAY.
- I GUESS.
- THEY'RE NOT STILL
IN BED TOGETHER, ARE THEY?
- HEART DISEASE,
BORDERLINE PSYCHOSIS:
I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT LIES
BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE
IN THE MORGENDORFFER
GENETIC CODE.
- IT COULD BE WORSE.
YOU COULD COME FROM A FAMILY
OF WACKY MORNING DJs.
- DON'T REMIND ME.
BETWEEN DAD AND THE PARTY VAN,
LIFE'S BECOME A LIVING HELL
AT HOME AND AT SCHOOL.
- DON'T WORRY.
THE VAN WILL MOVE ON SOON
OR BE DESTROYED
IN A MYSTERIOUS BOMBING.
I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
- THERE'S NO PLACE LEFT
FOR ME TO HIDE.
- YOU COULD ALWAYS DIVE
INTO A WOODED THICKET.
HEY, IT WORKS FOR BUNNIES.
- Z93 MAKES ME
MENTAL IN THE MORNING!
[gasping]
- WHOO-HOO!
- YEAH!
[all cheering]
- I'VE SEEN MORE PEOPLE COLLAPSE
THIS WEEK.
- THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
BUT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN
A T-SHIRT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
- THERE MUST BE SOME
OTHER STUDENTS OUT THERE
WHO CAN TELL US ON THE AIR
WHY Z93
MAKES THEM
MENTAL IN THE MORNING.
- ME, ME!
[all shouting]
- YOU THERE, IN THE GREEN.
YEAH, YOU!
- ONCE AGAIN,
I'M BEING PERSONALLY ADDRESSED
BY A MORNING DJ.
- THAT'S IT.
I WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
- YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING US
ALL WEEK LONG.
WHY NOT COME UP HERE
AND TELL US WHY Z93 MAKES YOU
MENTAL IN THE MORNING?
- FREE T-SHIRT.
- IT'S TWO SIZES TOO LARGE
AND TISSUE THIN.
HOW CAN YOU RESIST?
- I'D FINALLY HAVE A DECENT
OUTFIT FOR THE AUTO SHOW.
- BUT ARE YOU
MENTAL IN THE MORNING?
- YOU KNOW, I THINK I AM.
[all cheering]
A FEW DAYS AGO,
MY FATHER HAD A HEART ATTACK,
FORCING ME TO ADMIT
HIS MORTALITY TO MYSELF
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
ACCEPTING THIS GRIM
NEW KNOWLEDGE
HAS BEEN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT,
AS I'VE BEEN UNDER CONSTANT
YAMMERING ASSAULT
BY TWO UTTERLY BRAINLESS
AND TALENTLESS
SO-CALLED RADIO PERSONALITIES.
AND SO FOR THESE REASONS,
I, DARIA MORGENDORFFER,
AM MENTAL IN THE MORNING.
[tires squealing]
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S BASICALLY
YOUR CHILI RECIPE
BUT WITH HALF THE FAT.
- JAKE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
HE GREW UP WITH MY CHILI.
- AND NOW HE'S HAD
A HEART ATTACK.
- I'M SURE YOU DID
THE BEST YOU COULD.
CHILI'S NOT EASY
FOR SOMEONE WHO SO RARELY
GETS TO COOK FOR HER FAMILY.
- NOW, RUTH...
- [gasps]
together: QUINN?
- DID YOU KNOW THE HEART CAN
TAKE BLUE BLOOD AND MAKE IT RED?
- QUINN, IF YOU DON'T TAKE
YOUR NOSE OUT OF THAT BOOK
FROM TIME TO TIME,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET WRINKLES.
- I THOUGHT OF THAT.
BUT THE LADY AT THE MAKEUP
COUNTER SAID READING IS OKAY
AS LONG AS I PACE MYSELF.
- WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER
JUST TO MARRY A NICE DOCTOR?
THEN YOU COULD STAY HOME
WITH YOUR CHILDREN
AND HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE
FOR YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT.
- JUST WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING AT, RUTH?
- SHE WANTS YOU BOTH TO MODEL
YOUR LIVES AFTER HERS.
AND WHO COULD BLAME HER?
AFTER ALL, YOU WERE JUST TELLING
DAD YESTERDAY
HOW YOU MADE ALL THE RIGHT
DECISIONS IN YOUR LIFE.
RIGHT, GRANDMA?
- I... WELL...
I NEED TO CHECK ON THE LAUNDRY.
- YOU BOTH OWE ME.
- HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?
- YOU GOT ME.
- HOW ARE YOU FEELING, JAKEY?
- OH, BETTER, I GUESS.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFICULT
WHEN YOUR FIRST MAJOR ORGAN
DECIDES TO BETRAY YOU.
- JUST BE THANKFUL YOUR PANCREAS
IS STILL ON YOUR SIDE.
- DARIA, HOW AM I DOING
AS A DAD?
- UM, I'M NOT SURE
WHAT YOU MEAN.
- MY FATHER ALWAYS HAD TO
POINT OUT HOW I WAS SCREWING UP.
AND THAT SCREWED ME UP.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I NEVER
MAKE YOU GIRLS FEEL THAT WAY,
LESS WORTHWHILE OR INTELLIGENT
THAN YOUR OLD MAN.
- HERE, I DID THE HARD PARTS
OF THE CROSSWORD FOR YOU.
THANKS, KIDDO.
- DON'T WORRY, DAD.
I'M SURE YOU'RE DOING BETTER
THAN YOUR FATHER DID.
FOR STARTERS,
WASN'T HE DEAD AT YOUR AGE?
- HEY!
- DO DOCTORS IN OPERATING ROOMS
HAVE TO WEAR THESE MASKS?
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE GOOD
FOR YOUR PORES.
- NOT NOW, QUINN!
I MIXED UP THE SUGAR
AND THE SALT AGAIN.
- YAHOO!
I'M BETTER THAN HIM,
BETTER THAN HIM AT LIVING.
HE WAS DEAD AT MY AGE.
WAHOO!
- WAS THAT JAKEY?
- MOM, DOES THIS MEAN THAT DADDY
ISN'T GOING TO DIE?
- I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY
THAT DADDY'S BETTER NOW, HONEY.
- WHERE'S THAT MESSAGE PAD?
- YOU CAN USE THIS PHONE.
I'LL USE MY CELLULAR.
[phones beeping]
- YAY!
HELLO, FRONT LAWN.
HELLO, GARBAGE TRUCK!
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
YOU WONDERFUL OLD GARDEN GNOME.
- SO GRANDMA RUTH JUST TOOK OFF?
- SHE FINALLY REALIZED SHE WAS
DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD.
- AND DID YOU PERHAPS HELP HER
REALIZE THAT?
- I MAY HAVE HAD A HAND
IN HER EPIPHANY.
- HOPE YOU WASHED IT THOROUGHLY.
SO WITH THE PARTY VAN GONE,
I GUESS YOUR LIFE
IS BACK TO NORMAL
AT SCHOOL AND AT HOME.
- YOU KNOW,
AS STUPID AS BOTH PLACES ARE,
I SEE NOW THAT THEY COULD BE
A LOT WORSE.
- WHY, DARIA,
ARE YOU BECOMING AN OPTIMIST?
- HMM, I'M NOT SURE.
HOLD UP YOUR GLASS.
- NOPE, STILL HALF EMPTY.
- GUESS IT WAS JUST A PHASE.
- ALTHOUGH THE HALF THAT'S THERE
LOOKS DELIGHTFULLY REFRESHING.
[rock music]
- ALL RIGHT, PARTY PIZZA PEOPLE.
THIS IS THE Z93 PARTY VAN,
AND WE'LL BE BROADCASTING LIVE
ALL WEEK FROM RIGHT HERE
AT THE BEST PIZZA PLACE IN TOWN.
NOW, WHO HERE DIGS DJs?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪