Daria (1997–2001): Season 3, Episode 10 - Speedtrapped - full transcript
Daria gets a driver's license. She uses it when her friends get arrested and need bail money. Sadly, Quinn tags along.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- LOOK, MIKE.
WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS
ON A REGULAR BASIS
FOR SOME TIME NOW,
AND I ENJOY SEEING YOU AND ALL,
BUT I FEEL LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP
WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER
IF WE COULD JUST GET PAST
THIS ONE LITTLE HURDLE.
- I AGREE, DARIA.
SHOW ME YOU CAN PARALLEL PARK,
AND WE'LL NEVER
SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
- WILL YOU AT LEAST TELL ME
HOW I'M DOING?
- YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT
UNTIL I FILL OUT
THE OFFICIAL FORM.
YES, YES!
AT LAST!
- I'LL TAKE THAT AS A HINT.
- WOW.
LICENCED TO DRIVE.
THE GROTESQUE PICTURE
MAKES IT OFFICIAL.
- THANKS.
- SO NOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE
GOVERNMENT'S MASTER COMPUTER
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,
LET'S CELEBRATE.
TA-DA!
- UM, LOOKS KIND OF OLD.
- YEAH, WELL, I BAKED IT
WAY BACK WHEN YOU TOOK THE TEST
THE FIRST TIME.
- YOU BAKED THIS?
- "BAKED," "BOUGHT"...
LET'S NOT RUIN THE MOMENT
WITH A LOT OF TECHNICAL
MUMBO-JUMBO.
- CAKE.
- COOL.
- IT'S FOR DARIA.
- HE CAN HAVE SOME.
I MEAN, THEY CAN HAVE SOME.
- WHAT'S UP, BIRTHDAY?
- SHE GOT HER LICENCE.
- WHOA!
THIS THING IS REALLY HARD
AND COLD.
YOU THINK IT'S FROZEN?
- COULD BE, NICK.
COULD BE.
IT JUST MIGHT HAVE TO THAW OUT.
- I'LL WAIT.
- NO, YOU WON'T.
WE CAN'T HANG AROUND, MAN.
WE'VE GOT A WORLD TOUR.
WORLD TOUR!
- THEN WE BETTER FIND A HAMMER.
COME ON, NICK.
- HEY, THAT'S DARIA'S.
- LET THEM GO.
THEY'LL GIVE IT A GOOD HOME.
WHAT WORLD TOUR?
- WE GOT A GIG IN FREMONT,
100 MILES AWAY.
- IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL.
- IF I COULD TALK
TO THE ANIMALS.
ANYWAY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT,
REMEMBER?
I'M THE ROAD MANAGEMENT
COORDINATOR.
- YOU MEAN WE'RE PAYING YOU
20 BUCKS TO DRIVE US.
- LET'S NOT CLOUD THE HORIZON
WITH A LOT OF SEMANTIC
HAIRSPLITTING.
- YOU OUGHT TO COME ALONG,
DARIA.
- FORGET IT.
I TRIED.
SHE'S HOUSESITTING.
- MY FOLKS ARE GOING AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND,
AND I TOLD THEM I'D KEEP QUINN
FROM TURNING THE PLACE
INTO A MODELING AGENCY.
- TOO BAD;
IT'S GOING TO BE COOL.
- YEAH, UM, MY DAD TOOK ME
WITH HIM
TO FREMONT ONCE
ON A BUSINESS TRIP.
ISN'T IT EVEN DEADER
THAN LAWNDALE?
- HEY, NOT AFTER THE SPIRAL
GETS THERE.
WE'RE CRIMINALES.
WE LIVE LIFE ON THE EDGE.
YOU GO UP AGAINST THE SPIRAL,
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN.
- WE BROKE THE CAKE.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- MEET THE KILLER WHALE
WITH A LICENSE TO PRACTICE LAW.
ORCA IN THE COURT TONIGHT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- BUT HOW SHOULD I KNOW
WHERE YOU PUT YOUR EARRINGS?
I DON'T WEAR THE DARN THINGS.
- YES, WELL, I DON'T WEAR
YOUR SHOES,
BUT SOMEHOW
I ALWAYS TRIP OVER THEM.
- I DON'T THINK
THAT MAKES SENSE.
- YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE.
- YOU!
- CAN WE JUST GO, PLEASE?
WE DID TELL HOW YOU PROUD WE ARE
THAT YOU GOT YOUR LICENSE,
DIDN'T WE, SWEETIE?
- OH, I JUST SENSED IT.
- GOOD.
OKAY, IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY,
YOUR FATHER AND I WILL BE
AT THE MAKING MARRIAGE MAGIC
SEMINAR AT THE RAMADA.
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS
FIRST AID FOR THE HEART
AT THE DOUBLETREE.
- OH, JAKE, LET'S JUST HAVE
SILENCE, OKAY?
NO TALKING.
- YOU!
- JAKE?
- AH, MAGIC TIME.
- GOOD, THEY'RE GONE.
WE'RE ALL ALONE.
- UH, EXCUSE ME,
BUT I'M HERE.
- OH, ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN STAY.
BUT IF YOU COULD BE
REALLY, REALLY QUIET,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
- DO YOU THINK I'D LOOK GOOD
WITH THIS HAIR?
- MM, IT'S A LITTLE TOO
PROFESSOR KNOW-IT-ALL.
- OH, YEAH, GOOD POINT.
- HELLO?
YOU'RE WHERE?
- JAIL.
YOU GOTTA COME GET US OUT.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- THAT'S THE GOOD PART.
I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE.
WHEN MIKE WALLACE GETS THROUGH
WITH THESE BACKWATER COPS,
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KNOW
WHAT HIT 'EM.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT
THAT CAMERA AWAY.
WE DON'T WANT TO ANTAGONIZE
THIS GUY.
- HEY, MAX, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
A CRIMINALE.
- I AM.
IT'S THE COP I'M WORRIED ABOUT...
IF HE GOES UP AGAINST ME,
I MEAN.
- DON'T WORRY, MAX.
THIS IS GOING TO LOOK GREAT
IN YOUR VIDEO.
- HI, KIDS.
HI, MOM. PEACE.
[laughs]
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IT,
BUT YOU SWERVED OVER
THE DOUBLE LINE
A COUPLE OF TIMES BACK THERE.
AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO WRITE YOU UP A TICKET.
CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE, MISS?
- OKAY, BUT DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD BE JUST A LITTLE
MORE MENACING?
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
A-GRR! A-GRR!
[laughs]
- I WAS HOPING YOU COULD DRAG
ONE OF THESE GUYS OUT OF THE CAR
AND BEAT HIM.
MAX, YOU'RE BY A DOOR.
- NO, CUT IT OUT.
- OH, GEE, I DON'T THINK SO.
- WHAT IF YOU JUST KIND OF
BUMPED HIM A LITTLE?
- HEY!
- WOW, SOUNDS REALLY BRUTAL.
BUT WHY ARE YOU IN JAIL
IF HE JUST GAVE YOU A TICKET?
- WE'RE FROM OUT OF STATE,
SO WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PAY
THE FINE
AT THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE
RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S 100 BUCKS,
AND WE DON'T HAVE IT.
- I DON'T EITHER.
- OBVIOUSLY.
LOOK, GO OVER TO MY HOUSE.
USE THE DOOR
WITH THE BROKEN LOCK.
THERE'S SOME MONEY
IN THE LIVING ROOM TABLE
WITH THE CRACKED LEG IN THE
DRAWER WITH THE MISSING HANDLE.
OH, AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE,
TRENT WANTS YOU TO PICK UP
HIS SONG NOTEBOOK.
IT'S UNDER HIS BED
IN THE BURNT SHOE BOX.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET IT TO YOU?
- YOU HAVE A LICENSE,
DON'T YOU?
AND LISTEN; HURRY UP.
I'M A SURVIVOR,
BUT I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT THE OTHER GUYS.
- [sobbing]
HE WAS GOING TO DRAG ME
OUT OF THE CAR AND BEAT ME.
- BE COOL, MAN.
- YOU COULD HAVE HAD HIM.
- DON'T WORRY.
- DON'T WIG OUT.
- YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN HIM.
- OH, BOY.
I KNEW I WASN'T READY FOR THIS.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- IT'S THESE SHOES.
[crying] THEY'RE JUST
SO BEAUTIFUL.
- IT'S OKAY.
- DON'T CRY.
- I CAN LEND YOU SOME MONEY.
- PLEASE, GOD.
NO AMUSING SURPRISES.
AH.
UM, MAYBE JUST A PEEK.
"MY HEART IS LIKE AN OPEN WOUND
THAT READS THE TEA LEAVES
OF ITS DOOM."
WHAT?
"SOOTHE ME WITH
REDEMPTION'S LOVE
LIKE A HEAT-PROOF
KITCHEN GLOVE."
GOD, I HOPE THIS IS
A FIRST DRAFT.
OKAY, CAR.
THIS IS STRICTLY BETWEEN US.
DON'T ASK; DON'T TELL.
- OKAY!
LET'S DO IT.
- QUINN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M NOT GOING
TO JUST SIT HERE
WHILE YOU DRIVE OFF TO SOME FAR,
UNKNOWN LAND
TO GET YOUR FRIENDS OUT OF JAIL.
WHAT IF SOMETHING
UNEXPECTED HAPPENS?
- YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME?
- LET ME REPHRASE THAT.
WHAT IF SOMETHING COOL HAPPENS?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE
IT WOULD BE SMART,
IN CASE THERE'S
SOME EMERGENCY.
- GREAT.
I GET TO PICK THE MUSIC.
[lively music]
- ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE ON?
- FORGET IT; THIS IS THE ONLY
MUSIC I CAN LISTEN TO.
- WELL, CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN,
THEN?
- YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
NOW, ARE WE BUSTING YOUR FRIENDS
OUT OF JAIL OR NOT?
TENSE?
- NO.
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW COMPLICATED DRIVING IS.
- IT'S NOT SO HARD.
- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
AH, A GIANT TRUCK!
- PULL OVER, DARIA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M DOING THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M LETTING YOU DO THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE DOING THIS.
HEY, WHEN DID YOU LEARN
TO DRIVE?
- GOD, DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
PEOPLE DO ON DATES?
- AREN'T YOU TERRIFIED?
- IT'S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE.
YOU'RE TOO TIMID, DARIA.
I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.
- ACTUALLY, I WOULDN'T MIND IF...
- YOUR TURN.
- BUT YOU JUST STARTED.
NO WAY.
WE ARE NOT PICKING UP SOME
INSANE, MURDERING SERIAL KILLER.
HOW RECKLESS CAN YOU GET?
- HE'S NOT A KILLER.
I RECOGNIZE HIM.
IT'S SANDI'S COUSIN
FROM MEMPHIS.
- MOM AND DAD WOULD CRUCIFY US.
- RIGHT, BUT TAKING THE CAR OUT
FOR A 100-MILE JOYRIDE
WON'T BOTHER THEM AT ALL.
FACE IT, DARIA; YOU'RE ALREADY
ACCESSORIZING.
- YOU MEAN I'M AN ACCESSORY?
- WHATEVER.
LOOK, LIGHTEN UP.
YOU DRIVE, AND I'LL KEEP HIM
FROM MURDERING US.
- HOWDY.
I SURE DO APPRECIATE THIS.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MURDER US,
ARE YOU?
- SHOOT, NO.
- SEE?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK.
- HERE; GET TO KNOW
SOME TOURISTS.
- HEY, I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
YOU GUYS A BAND?
- YEAH.
- I USED TO KNOW A FEW MUSICIANS
IN MY TIME,
BACK WHEN THEY DID IT FOR LOVE,
NOT THE MONEY.
PERHAPS YOU FELLOWS HAVE HEARD
OF JIMI HENDRIX.
- YOU KNEW HENDRIX?
- YOU KNOW HOW HE'D PLAY SOLOS
WITH HIS TEETH?
- YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT?
- NO, BUT ONE TIME WHEN HE BROKE
A STRING,
I DROVE HIM TO THE DENTIST.
- THAT'S NOT BAD.
- THANKS.
IT'S A COPY.
- I WANT ONE.
- I THINK YOU CAN GET
A POSTER OF THE ORIGINAL.
- I DON'T WANT IT FOR MY WALL.
- HA.
- WELL, THAT ORNERY BULL
CAUGHT SIGHT OF MY RED SHIRT,
AND THAT WAS ABOUT IT.
HE MUST HAVE CHASED ME AROUND
THAT PASTURE TEN TIMES
BEFORE I COULD CLIMB OVER
THE FENCE.
- WOW, TRAVIS!
WHAT A GREAT STORY.
- YEAH, IT WAS JUST AS GOOD
THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT...
ON LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.
- HECK, DAH-REA, WE COULD GO
FIND THAT BULL RIGHT NOW.
THE PASTURE'S
ONLY 20 MILES AWAY.
- WE HAVE TO GET TO FREMONT
AND BAIL OUT THE BAND.
- COME ON, DARIA.
STOP BEING TIMID.
- STOP BEING RECKLESS.
- BAND?
HEY, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
I'M A MUSICIAN TOO.
- WELL, BUST MY LEGS
AND CALL ME "SHORTY."
- PLAY US SOMETHING, TRAVIS.
- DO YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC?
- IT'S PRACTICALLY
THE ONLY MUSIC I CAN LISTEN TO.
- WAIT, I THOUGHT...
- SHUT UP, SHORTY.
GO AHEAD AND PLAY US SOMETHING,
TRAVIS.
- HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE
FROM MR. CONWAY TWITTY.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
[twangy country music]
- OH, SHOOT.
THIS DON'T EVEN HURT.
- OF COURSE NOT;
I'M USING A ROLLER BALL.
- WHAT?
I TOLD YOU I WANT A TATTOO.
- IT IS A TATTOO.
IT'S JUST NOT PERMANENT.
- HEY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL,
BUT I WANT SOMETHING
THAT'S GONNA LAST,
SOME OF YOUR ART THERE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE IT TO ME.
- HOW'S IT GONNA BE MY ART,
SISTER,
IF YOU'RE DICTATING
THE MEDIUM OF EXPRESSION?
- [grunts]
OKAY, BUT PRESS HARD.
- OH, I'LL BE PRESSING.
- ♪ SO DON'T CALL HIM ♪
♪ A COWBOY ♪
♪ UNTIL YOU SEE HIM RIDE ♪
- WELL, THANKS FOR
THE UNFORGETTABLE TWO HOURS
OF GREAT COUNTRY MUSIC.
- IT WAS SUPER!
- MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW NICE
IT IS
TO MEET SOME REAL CLASSIC
COUNTRY FANS.
- YEAH, WELL, GIVE US A CALL
WHEN YOU DO.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HER, TRAVIS.
- HEY, SHE'S JUST SHOWING OFF
THAT CITY GAL SENSE OF HUMOR.
DEEP DOWN,
I KNOW SHE'S A COWGIRL.
THANK YOU BOTH KINDLY.
BYE, NOW.
- BYE!
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR AUDITION!
WHAT A NICE GUY...
AND TALENTED.
- YES, HE'S MASTERED THE ART
OF STICKING OUT HIS THUMB.
- AND WE'D NEVER HAVE MET HIM
IF YOU'D HAD YOUR WAY.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
A COWGIRL AT ALL.
- I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T LISTEN
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
- OH, YEAH.
THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
[rock music plays]
- THEN SID... SID VICIOUS...
PUT HIS HANDS ON MY SHOULDER
AND SAID,
"STAN, YOU TAUGHT ME
HOW TO PLAY.
"YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOOK.
YOU TAUGHT ME ATTITUDE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID?
YOU INVENTED PUNK."
TWO DAYS LATER, HE WAS DEAD.
- REALLY?
- NO WAY.
- YES WAY.
THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.
I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS THERE.
- WHOA, COOL.
- YOU GOT A LOT OF STORIES.
I'LL SAY THAT.
- THAT'S JUST THE TIP
OF THE ICEBERG, MY MAN.
GOT MANY MORE, MANY MORE.
BUT I CAN FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR
ON THE BRINK OF A PLUNGE.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'VE SQUIRRELED AWAY
ANY EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE?
- HUH?
- YOU GOT ANY FOOD?
- SORRY, MAN.
ALL TAPPED OUT.
- UH-UH.
- WAIT, CAKE.
- EXCELLENT.
WELL, WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, THE BIRTH OF KISS
AND HOW I TAUGHT GENE SIMMONS
TO PUT ON MAKEUP.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT ALIENS
LIKE ART TOO?
- NO, I'M SIMPLY POSING
THE QUESTION,
WHAT IF AN EGGBEATER
IS CONSIDERED
GREAT ART ON MARS?
WOULD THAT MAKE IT ART TO US?
- HELL, AN EGGBEATER
CAN BE EVIDENCE.
WHY NOT ART?
- WHAT THE HECK
IS GOING ON HERE?
- TEMPORARY TATTOOS.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
- I MEAN THAT FLAG.
IT'S ALL THE WRONG COLORS.
- IT'S AN HOMAGE
TO JASPER JOHNS,
AN IMPORTANT LATE
20th-CENTURY ARTIST.
BESIDES, I DON'T HAVE RED.
- LADY, YOU JUST CROSSED
A MAJOR LINE.
WE DO NOT MAKE SPORT OF OUR
NATION'S STAR-SPANGLED BANNER
IN THIS HERE ESTABLISHMENT.
- YOU DON'T GET IT.
IT'S ART.
- WRONG; IT'S A TRIP
TO THE SHERIFF,
AND I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING
TO LIKE WHAT HE SEES.
- WE MADE IT.
I DID IT.
I GOT US HERE IN ONE PIECE.
- SLOWLY.
- BUT SURELY.
NOW, LET'S DEAL WITH THE LAW.
OH, BOY.
THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
OH, NO.
THIS IS VERY BAD, VERY BAD.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- A CUTE COWBOY
STOLE OUR MONEY.
- UM, ACTUALLY,
THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.
- WHAT?
- REMEMBER WHEN WE STOPPED
AT THAT LITTLE TOWN SO YOU COULD
UNCLENCH YOUR HANDS?
TRAVIS AND I KIND OF
WENT SHOPPING.
- THAT MONEY WAS FOR JANE
AND TRENT.
- I KNOW, BUT TRAVIS BOUGHT ME
AN OUTFIT,
AND HE WAS SO EXCITED,
HE FORGOT TO PAY,
AND ANYWAY HE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY MONEY.
AND I THINK IT'S REALLY GINGHAM.
- YOU SPENT ALL OF JANE'S MONEY
ON CLOTHES?
- OF COURSE NOT.
I LENT THE REST TO TRAVIS
FOR A BUS TICKET HOME.
DON'T WORRY; HE'S GOING
TO REPAY US WHEN HE GETS BACK.
- YOU MORON.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET JANE
AND TRENT OUT OF JAIL?
- OH.
SEE, I TOLD YOU SOMETHING
UNEXPECTED WOULD HAPPEN.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO SAY TO HIM?
- WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY TO HIM?
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL HIM THE
TRUTH:
YOU GAVE HIM MONEY
THAT WASN'T YOURS,
AND YOU NEED IT BACK.
- OH, DARIA.
ARE WE THAT DESPERATE
THAT WE HAVE TO RESORT
TO THE TRUTH?
- WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER,
REMIND ME TO RUN SCREAMING
INTO THE NIGHT.
- WELL, I TOLD HER,
"IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU
THAT MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME..."
- OKAY, MAYBE THIS WASN'T
SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
- IT'S JUST A BAR.
THEY'RE ALL ALIKE.
- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
- GOD, DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
PEOPLE DO ON...
- NEVER MIND.
EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
SEEN A COWBOY COME IN RECENTLY?
UM, HE WAS KIND OF, YOU KNOW,
RUGGED LOOKING.
HE WAS HERE TO AUDITION
FOR A JOB SINGING.
- WE'VE HAD A FEW PEOPLE
IN HERE LIKE THAT.
- THIS GUY SINGS COUNTRY MUSIC.
- LIKE I SAID.
- RIGHT, OF COURSE.
OKAY, WELL, THANKS
FOR YOUR TIME.
GOOD LUCK CLEANING
THOSE GLASSES.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
HE DIDN'T TELL US ANYTHING.
- I KNOW.
THESE COWBOY GUYS ARE ALL ALIKE.
- DARIA, ALL GUYS
ARE ALL ALIKE.
THE SECRET IS KNOWING
HOW TO ASK THEM.
- AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO ASK THEM?
- YOU CAN'T JUST BE ALL MEEK
AND RESPECTFUL.
YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT LINE
ABOUT HOW YOU CATCH MORE FLIES
WITH MONEY.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT IF IT WEREN'T
FOR YOUR TOTAL RECKLESSNESS,
IT WOULDN'T MATTER
THAT I'M MEEK,
BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T BE
IN THIS SITUATION.
- DON'T WORRY,
I MAY BE RECKLESS,
BUT I'M ALSO A PROBLEM SOLVER.
HAND ME THAT BAG, WILL YOU?
[men gasp]
- UH, QUINN?
- ATTENTION, GUYS.
WE'RE JUST TWO LITTLE CITY GALS
FROM LAWNDALE.
- LAWNDALE'S A SUBURB.
- RIGHT.
AND WE KNOW
WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE,
BUT SOME FRIENDS OF OURS
GOT PULLED OVER
BY THE SHERIFF RECENTLY.
WE BROUGHT THE BAIL MONEY
TO GET THEM OUT,
AND NOW SOME MEAN OLD COWBOY'S
STOLEN IT.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING ALL COWBOYS
ARE MEAN OR OLD
OR THIEVES,
BUT IT DOES MAKE ME
THINK TWICE
ABOUT EVER CONSIDERING A COWBOY
FOR A BOYFRIEND.
[all muttering]
- WELL, HECK, LITTLE LADY.
I'VE BEEN PULLED OVER MYSELF.
IT'S HUMILIATING
AND BAD FOR THE SOUL.
HERE'S TEN BUCKS.
- DOGGONE IT, WE'RE NOT ALL BAD,
LITTLE MISS.
TAKE 20.
- NOW, HOLD ON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT
THE ONES BEING FLIMFLAMMED HERE?
YOU FAST-TALKING SUBURBAN GALS
THINK YOU CAN JUST MARCH IN HERE
AND CON SOME COWBOYS?
IS THAT YOUR GAME?
- UM, NO, NOT AT ALL.
- YOU THINK WE'RE A BUNCH
OF DUMB HICKS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT US?
- I DON'T CALL 'EM COWBOYS
TILL I SEE 'EM RIDE.
- WHAT?
- 'CAUSE A STETSON HAT
AND THEM FANCY BOOTS
DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S INSIDE.
- HEY, THAT'S CONWAY TWITTY.
YOU LIKE CONWAY TWITTY MUSIC?
- YOU BET YOUR LONESOME PRAIRIE
CAMPFIRE I DO, PARTNER.
- ALL RIGHT.
NOW, THESE ARE COWGIRLS.
FELLAS, STEP ON UP HERE
AND EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.
- YEAH, SURE.
HERE YOU GO.
- WE'LL BE THROUGH
THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
AND HOME IN TIME FOR BUFFY.
GOOD THINKING, DARIA.
- SHUT UP, SHORTY.
- NOW, I'M NOT GOING
TO HAVE TO COME OUT AND STOP YOU
FROM CHASING YOUR HUSBAND
WITH A SKILLET AGAIN, AM I?
- WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
YOU THINK YOU CAN COME OUT
AND STOP HIM FROM SAYING
OR DOING SOMETHING STUPID FIRST?
- I WISH, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO RIDE HERD
ON EVERY STUPID MAN
IN THIS COUNTY,
ESPECIALLY JUDGES.
- UH, HI.
WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP
OUR FRIEND JANE LANE.
- WHO?
- JANE LANE AND TRENT LANE.
THEY'RE WITH A BAND.
- OH, YEAH, THEY'RE NOT HERE
ANYMORE.
THEY'RE WITH THE SHERIFF.
- [children screaming]
- THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY GOOD.
- YOU GO FIRST.
- YOU GO FIRST.
- TOGETHER.
- FINALLY.
- SORRY.
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- HOW'D YOU GET OUT OF JAIL?
- WELL, IT WAS A LITTLE DICEY
WITH THAT JERK DEPUTY.
OOPS, SORRY, TINA.
- IT'S OKAY.
WHEN DADDY PUTS ON
THE UNIFORM,
HE'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON.
- BUT LUCKY FOR ME,
THE SHERIFF'S A BIG FAN
OF PICASSO.
- NOT BAD.
- IT'S HIS DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.
WE'RE WORKING OFF OUR DEBT
TO SOCIETY.
- "WE"?
WHERE'S THE BAND?
- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
- ♪ I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THE RAILROAD ♪
- ♪ EVERY POINTLESS DAY ♪
- ♪ I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THE RAILROAD ♪
- ♪ WHILE MY LIFE
GETS PISSED AWAY ♪
- ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR
THE WHISTLE BLOWING? ♪
- ♪ SHATTER MY DREAMS
IN THE MORN ♪
- ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR
THE CAPTAIN SHOUTING? ♪
- ♪ WISH I WAS NEVER BORN ♪
[children cheering]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
- PLAY ALL NIGHT!
- I GUESS WE'RE A LITTLE LATE,
BUT MAYBE YOU WANT THIS
ANYWAY.
- EXCELLENT.
YOU DIDN'T READ ANY OF THIS,
DID YOU?
- UH, NO.
- COOL.
IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.
OKAY, GUYS.
THIS NEXT NUMBER'S
AN ORIGINAL TUNE.
IT'S CALLED PAINGASM.
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
[lively music]
- SO IT APPEARS
YOU MORGENDORFFER GIRLS
CAN ACTUALLY GET ALONG, HUH?
- FOR BRIEF PERIODS
SPACED MANY DAYS APART.
- WE DID MAKE
A PRETTY GOOD TEAM.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT
THE FASHION CLUB,
AND WE COULD JUST GO AROUND
SOLVING CRIMES.
- BUT THAT'S WHAT THE FASHION
CLUB IS ALL ABOUT:
SOLVING CRIMES
AGAINST FASHION.
- I HOPE JAIL WASN'T TOO BAD
FOR YOU.
- NAH.
- WE MET THE GUY
WHO INVENTED PUNK MUSIC
AND INTRODUCED RICE
TO THE JAPANESE.
- COOL GUY.
- YOU DIDN'T REALLY BELIEVE HIM,
DID YOU?
- HEY, MAN,
YOU WEREN'T THERE.
HE WAS.
- HEY, LOOK!
THEY MADE ME A JUNIOR DEPUTY!
- THAT WAS NICE,
WHAT YOU SAID,
THAT WE MAKE A GOOD TEAM.
- I GUESS SOMETIMES BEING TIMID
WORKS JUST AS WELL
AS BEING CONFIDENT.
- I'M NOT TIMID.
- OH, MY GOSH, LOOK!
IT'S TRAVIS!
- SERIOUSLY, DO YOU REALLY
THINK I'M TIMID?
- YES, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S TRAVIS!
- I'M NOT TIMID.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DARIA.
DARIA!
[screams]
- OKAY, NOW DO YOU THINK
I'M TIMID?
- UM, NO.
WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT ON
SOME MUSIC AND RELAX?
- I'LL PICK THE MUSIC.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
[country music plays]
- ♪ BUT I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪
- EW!
- YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING
TO LIKE THIS STUFF.
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- LOOK, MIKE.
WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS
ON A REGULAR BASIS
FOR SOME TIME NOW,
AND I ENJOY SEEING YOU AND ALL,
BUT I FEEL LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP
WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER
IF WE COULD JUST GET PAST
THIS ONE LITTLE HURDLE.
- I AGREE, DARIA.
SHOW ME YOU CAN PARALLEL PARK,
AND WE'LL NEVER
SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
- WILL YOU AT LEAST TELL ME
HOW I'M DOING?
- YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT
UNTIL I FILL OUT
THE OFFICIAL FORM.
YES, YES!
AT LAST!
- I'LL TAKE THAT AS A HINT.
- WOW.
LICENCED TO DRIVE.
THE GROTESQUE PICTURE
MAKES IT OFFICIAL.
- THANKS.
- SO NOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE
GOVERNMENT'S MASTER COMPUTER
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,
LET'S CELEBRATE.
TA-DA!
- UM, LOOKS KIND OF OLD.
- YEAH, WELL, I BAKED IT
WAY BACK WHEN YOU TOOK THE TEST
THE FIRST TIME.
- YOU BAKED THIS?
- "BAKED," "BOUGHT"...
LET'S NOT RUIN THE MOMENT
WITH A LOT OF TECHNICAL
MUMBO-JUMBO.
- CAKE.
- COOL.
- IT'S FOR DARIA.
- HE CAN HAVE SOME.
I MEAN, THEY CAN HAVE SOME.
- WHAT'S UP, BIRTHDAY?
- SHE GOT HER LICENCE.
- WHOA!
THIS THING IS REALLY HARD
AND COLD.
YOU THINK IT'S FROZEN?
- COULD BE, NICK.
COULD BE.
IT JUST MIGHT HAVE TO THAW OUT.
- I'LL WAIT.
- NO, YOU WON'T.
WE CAN'T HANG AROUND, MAN.
WE'VE GOT A WORLD TOUR.
WORLD TOUR!
- THEN WE BETTER FIND A HAMMER.
COME ON, NICK.
- HEY, THAT'S DARIA'S.
- LET THEM GO.
THEY'LL GIVE IT A GOOD HOME.
WHAT WORLD TOUR?
- WE GOT A GIG IN FREMONT,
100 MILES AWAY.
- IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL.
- IF I COULD TALK
TO THE ANIMALS.
ANYWAY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT,
REMEMBER?
I'M THE ROAD MANAGEMENT
COORDINATOR.
- YOU MEAN WE'RE PAYING YOU
20 BUCKS TO DRIVE US.
- LET'S NOT CLOUD THE HORIZON
WITH A LOT OF SEMANTIC
HAIRSPLITTING.
- YOU OUGHT TO COME ALONG,
DARIA.
- FORGET IT.
I TRIED.
SHE'S HOUSESITTING.
- MY FOLKS ARE GOING AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND,
AND I TOLD THEM I'D KEEP QUINN
FROM TURNING THE PLACE
INTO A MODELING AGENCY.
- TOO BAD;
IT'S GOING TO BE COOL.
- YEAH, UM, MY DAD TOOK ME
WITH HIM
TO FREMONT ONCE
ON A BUSINESS TRIP.
ISN'T IT EVEN DEADER
THAN LAWNDALE?
- HEY, NOT AFTER THE SPIRAL
GETS THERE.
WE'RE CRIMINALES.
WE LIVE LIFE ON THE EDGE.
YOU GO UP AGAINST THE SPIRAL,
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN.
- WE BROKE THE CAKE.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- MEET THE KILLER WHALE
WITH A LICENSE TO PRACTICE LAW.
ORCA IN THE COURT TONIGHT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- BUT HOW SHOULD I KNOW
WHERE YOU PUT YOUR EARRINGS?
I DON'T WEAR THE DARN THINGS.
- YES, WELL, I DON'T WEAR
YOUR SHOES,
BUT SOMEHOW
I ALWAYS TRIP OVER THEM.
- I DON'T THINK
THAT MAKES SENSE.
- YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE.
- YOU!
- CAN WE JUST GO, PLEASE?
WE DID TELL HOW YOU PROUD WE ARE
THAT YOU GOT YOUR LICENSE,
DIDN'T WE, SWEETIE?
- OH, I JUST SENSED IT.
- GOOD.
OKAY, IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY,
YOUR FATHER AND I WILL BE
AT THE MAKING MARRIAGE MAGIC
SEMINAR AT THE RAMADA.
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS
FIRST AID FOR THE HEART
AT THE DOUBLETREE.
- OH, JAKE, LET'S JUST HAVE
SILENCE, OKAY?
NO TALKING.
- YOU!
- JAKE?
- AH, MAGIC TIME.
- GOOD, THEY'RE GONE.
WE'RE ALL ALONE.
- UH, EXCUSE ME,
BUT I'M HERE.
- OH, ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN STAY.
BUT IF YOU COULD BE
REALLY, REALLY QUIET,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
- DO YOU THINK I'D LOOK GOOD
WITH THIS HAIR?
- MM, IT'S A LITTLE TOO
PROFESSOR KNOW-IT-ALL.
- OH, YEAH, GOOD POINT.
- HELLO?
YOU'RE WHERE?
- JAIL.
YOU GOTTA COME GET US OUT.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- THAT'S THE GOOD PART.
I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE.
WHEN MIKE WALLACE GETS THROUGH
WITH THESE BACKWATER COPS,
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KNOW
WHAT HIT 'EM.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT
THAT CAMERA AWAY.
WE DON'T WANT TO ANTAGONIZE
THIS GUY.
- HEY, MAX, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
A CRIMINALE.
- I AM.
IT'S THE COP I'M WORRIED ABOUT...
IF HE GOES UP AGAINST ME,
I MEAN.
- DON'T WORRY, MAX.
THIS IS GOING TO LOOK GREAT
IN YOUR VIDEO.
- HI, KIDS.
HI, MOM. PEACE.
[laughs]
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IT,
BUT YOU SWERVED OVER
THE DOUBLE LINE
A COUPLE OF TIMES BACK THERE.
AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO WRITE YOU UP A TICKET.
CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE, MISS?
- OKAY, BUT DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD BE JUST A LITTLE
MORE MENACING?
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
A-GRR! A-GRR!
[laughs]
- I WAS HOPING YOU COULD DRAG
ONE OF THESE GUYS OUT OF THE CAR
AND BEAT HIM.
MAX, YOU'RE BY A DOOR.
- NO, CUT IT OUT.
- OH, GEE, I DON'T THINK SO.
- WHAT IF YOU JUST KIND OF
BUMPED HIM A LITTLE?
- HEY!
- WOW, SOUNDS REALLY BRUTAL.
BUT WHY ARE YOU IN JAIL
IF HE JUST GAVE YOU A TICKET?
- WE'RE FROM OUT OF STATE,
SO WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PAY
THE FINE
AT THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE
RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S 100 BUCKS,
AND WE DON'T HAVE IT.
- I DON'T EITHER.
- OBVIOUSLY.
LOOK, GO OVER TO MY HOUSE.
USE THE DOOR
WITH THE BROKEN LOCK.
THERE'S SOME MONEY
IN THE LIVING ROOM TABLE
WITH THE CRACKED LEG IN THE
DRAWER WITH THE MISSING HANDLE.
OH, AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE,
TRENT WANTS YOU TO PICK UP
HIS SONG NOTEBOOK.
IT'S UNDER HIS BED
IN THE BURNT SHOE BOX.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET IT TO YOU?
- YOU HAVE A LICENSE,
DON'T YOU?
AND LISTEN; HURRY UP.
I'M A SURVIVOR,
BUT I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT THE OTHER GUYS.
- [sobbing]
HE WAS GOING TO DRAG ME
OUT OF THE CAR AND BEAT ME.
- BE COOL, MAN.
- YOU COULD HAVE HAD HIM.
- DON'T WORRY.
- DON'T WIG OUT.
- YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN HIM.
- OH, BOY.
I KNEW I WASN'T READY FOR THIS.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- IT'S THESE SHOES.
[crying] THEY'RE JUST
SO BEAUTIFUL.
- IT'S OKAY.
- DON'T CRY.
- I CAN LEND YOU SOME MONEY.
- PLEASE, GOD.
NO AMUSING SURPRISES.
AH.
UM, MAYBE JUST A PEEK.
"MY HEART IS LIKE AN OPEN WOUND
THAT READS THE TEA LEAVES
OF ITS DOOM."
WHAT?
"SOOTHE ME WITH
REDEMPTION'S LOVE
LIKE A HEAT-PROOF
KITCHEN GLOVE."
GOD, I HOPE THIS IS
A FIRST DRAFT.
OKAY, CAR.
THIS IS STRICTLY BETWEEN US.
DON'T ASK; DON'T TELL.
- OKAY!
LET'S DO IT.
- QUINN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M NOT GOING
TO JUST SIT HERE
WHILE YOU DRIVE OFF TO SOME FAR,
UNKNOWN LAND
TO GET YOUR FRIENDS OUT OF JAIL.
WHAT IF SOMETHING
UNEXPECTED HAPPENS?
- YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME?
- LET ME REPHRASE THAT.
WHAT IF SOMETHING COOL HAPPENS?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE
IT WOULD BE SMART,
IN CASE THERE'S
SOME EMERGENCY.
- GREAT.
I GET TO PICK THE MUSIC.
[lively music]
- ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE ON?
- FORGET IT; THIS IS THE ONLY
MUSIC I CAN LISTEN TO.
- WELL, CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN,
THEN?
- YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
NOW, ARE WE BUSTING YOUR FRIENDS
OUT OF JAIL OR NOT?
TENSE?
- NO.
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW COMPLICATED DRIVING IS.
- IT'S NOT SO HARD.
- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
AH, A GIANT TRUCK!
- PULL OVER, DARIA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M DOING THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M LETTING YOU DO THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE DOING THIS.
HEY, WHEN DID YOU LEARN
TO DRIVE?
- GOD, DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
PEOPLE DO ON DATES?
- AREN'T YOU TERRIFIED?
- IT'S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE.
YOU'RE TOO TIMID, DARIA.
I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.
- ACTUALLY, I WOULDN'T MIND IF...
- YOUR TURN.
- BUT YOU JUST STARTED.
NO WAY.
WE ARE NOT PICKING UP SOME
INSANE, MURDERING SERIAL KILLER.
HOW RECKLESS CAN YOU GET?
- HE'S NOT A KILLER.
I RECOGNIZE HIM.
IT'S SANDI'S COUSIN
FROM MEMPHIS.
- MOM AND DAD WOULD CRUCIFY US.
- RIGHT, BUT TAKING THE CAR OUT
FOR A 100-MILE JOYRIDE
WON'T BOTHER THEM AT ALL.
FACE IT, DARIA; YOU'RE ALREADY
ACCESSORIZING.
- YOU MEAN I'M AN ACCESSORY?
- WHATEVER.
LOOK, LIGHTEN UP.
YOU DRIVE, AND I'LL KEEP HIM
FROM MURDERING US.
- HOWDY.
I SURE DO APPRECIATE THIS.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MURDER US,
ARE YOU?
- SHOOT, NO.
- SEE?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK.
- HERE; GET TO KNOW
SOME TOURISTS.
- HEY, I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
YOU GUYS A BAND?
- YEAH.
- I USED TO KNOW A FEW MUSICIANS
IN MY TIME,
BACK WHEN THEY DID IT FOR LOVE,
NOT THE MONEY.
PERHAPS YOU FELLOWS HAVE HEARD
OF JIMI HENDRIX.
- YOU KNEW HENDRIX?
- YOU KNOW HOW HE'D PLAY SOLOS
WITH HIS TEETH?
- YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT?
- NO, BUT ONE TIME WHEN HE BROKE
A STRING,
I DROVE HIM TO THE DENTIST.
- THAT'S NOT BAD.
- THANKS.
IT'S A COPY.
- I WANT ONE.
- I THINK YOU CAN GET
A POSTER OF THE ORIGINAL.
- I DON'T WANT IT FOR MY WALL.
- HA.
- WELL, THAT ORNERY BULL
CAUGHT SIGHT OF MY RED SHIRT,
AND THAT WAS ABOUT IT.
HE MUST HAVE CHASED ME AROUND
THAT PASTURE TEN TIMES
BEFORE I COULD CLIMB OVER
THE FENCE.
- WOW, TRAVIS!
WHAT A GREAT STORY.
- YEAH, IT WAS JUST AS GOOD
THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT...
ON LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.
- HECK, DAH-REA, WE COULD GO
FIND THAT BULL RIGHT NOW.
THE PASTURE'S
ONLY 20 MILES AWAY.
- WE HAVE TO GET TO FREMONT
AND BAIL OUT THE BAND.
- COME ON, DARIA.
STOP BEING TIMID.
- STOP BEING RECKLESS.
- BAND?
HEY, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
I'M A MUSICIAN TOO.
- WELL, BUST MY LEGS
AND CALL ME "SHORTY."
- PLAY US SOMETHING, TRAVIS.
- DO YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC?
- IT'S PRACTICALLY
THE ONLY MUSIC I CAN LISTEN TO.
- WAIT, I THOUGHT...
- SHUT UP, SHORTY.
GO AHEAD AND PLAY US SOMETHING,
TRAVIS.
- HERE'S A LITTLE TUNE
FROM MR. CONWAY TWITTY.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
[twangy country music]
- OH, SHOOT.
THIS DON'T EVEN HURT.
- OF COURSE NOT;
I'M USING A ROLLER BALL.
- WHAT?
I TOLD YOU I WANT A TATTOO.
- IT IS A TATTOO.
IT'S JUST NOT PERMANENT.
- HEY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL,
BUT I WANT SOMETHING
THAT'S GONNA LAST,
SOME OF YOUR ART THERE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE IT TO ME.
- HOW'S IT GONNA BE MY ART,
SISTER,
IF YOU'RE DICTATING
THE MEDIUM OF EXPRESSION?
- [grunts]
OKAY, BUT PRESS HARD.
- OH, I'LL BE PRESSING.
- ♪ SO DON'T CALL HIM ♪
♪ A COWBOY ♪
♪ UNTIL YOU SEE HIM RIDE ♪
- WELL, THANKS FOR
THE UNFORGETTABLE TWO HOURS
OF GREAT COUNTRY MUSIC.
- IT WAS SUPER!
- MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW NICE
IT IS
TO MEET SOME REAL CLASSIC
COUNTRY FANS.
- YEAH, WELL, GIVE US A CALL
WHEN YOU DO.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HER, TRAVIS.
- HEY, SHE'S JUST SHOWING OFF
THAT CITY GAL SENSE OF HUMOR.
DEEP DOWN,
I KNOW SHE'S A COWGIRL.
THANK YOU BOTH KINDLY.
BYE, NOW.
- BYE!
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR AUDITION!
WHAT A NICE GUY...
AND TALENTED.
- YES, HE'S MASTERED THE ART
OF STICKING OUT HIS THUMB.
- AND WE'D NEVER HAVE MET HIM
IF YOU'D HAD YOUR WAY.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
A COWGIRL AT ALL.
- I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T LISTEN
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
- OH, YEAH.
THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
[rock music plays]
- THEN SID... SID VICIOUS...
PUT HIS HANDS ON MY SHOULDER
AND SAID,
"STAN, YOU TAUGHT ME
HOW TO PLAY.
"YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOOK.
YOU TAUGHT ME ATTITUDE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID?
YOU INVENTED PUNK."
TWO DAYS LATER, HE WAS DEAD.
- REALLY?
- NO WAY.
- YES WAY.
THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.
I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS THERE.
- WHOA, COOL.
- YOU GOT A LOT OF STORIES.
I'LL SAY THAT.
- THAT'S JUST THE TIP
OF THE ICEBERG, MY MAN.
GOT MANY MORE, MANY MORE.
BUT I CAN FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR
ON THE BRINK OF A PLUNGE.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'VE SQUIRRELED AWAY
ANY EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE?
- HUH?
- YOU GOT ANY FOOD?
- SORRY, MAN.
ALL TAPPED OUT.
- UH-UH.
- WAIT, CAKE.
- EXCELLENT.
WELL, WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, THE BIRTH OF KISS
AND HOW I TAUGHT GENE SIMMONS
TO PUT ON MAKEUP.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT ALIENS
LIKE ART TOO?
- NO, I'M SIMPLY POSING
THE QUESTION,
WHAT IF AN EGGBEATER
IS CONSIDERED
GREAT ART ON MARS?
WOULD THAT MAKE IT ART TO US?
- HELL, AN EGGBEATER
CAN BE EVIDENCE.
WHY NOT ART?
- WHAT THE HECK
IS GOING ON HERE?
- TEMPORARY TATTOOS.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
- I MEAN THAT FLAG.
IT'S ALL THE WRONG COLORS.
- IT'S AN HOMAGE
TO JASPER JOHNS,
AN IMPORTANT LATE
20th-CENTURY ARTIST.
BESIDES, I DON'T HAVE RED.
- LADY, YOU JUST CROSSED
A MAJOR LINE.
WE DO NOT MAKE SPORT OF OUR
NATION'S STAR-SPANGLED BANNER
IN THIS HERE ESTABLISHMENT.
- YOU DON'T GET IT.
IT'S ART.
- WRONG; IT'S A TRIP
TO THE SHERIFF,
AND I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING
TO LIKE WHAT HE SEES.
- WE MADE IT.
I DID IT.
I GOT US HERE IN ONE PIECE.
- SLOWLY.
- BUT SURELY.
NOW, LET'S DEAL WITH THE LAW.
OH, BOY.
THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
OH, NO.
THIS IS VERY BAD, VERY BAD.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- A CUTE COWBOY
STOLE OUR MONEY.
- UM, ACTUALLY,
THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.
- WHAT?
- REMEMBER WHEN WE STOPPED
AT THAT LITTLE TOWN SO YOU COULD
UNCLENCH YOUR HANDS?
TRAVIS AND I KIND OF
WENT SHOPPING.
- THAT MONEY WAS FOR JANE
AND TRENT.
- I KNOW, BUT TRAVIS BOUGHT ME
AN OUTFIT,
AND HE WAS SO EXCITED,
HE FORGOT TO PAY,
AND ANYWAY HE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY MONEY.
AND I THINK IT'S REALLY GINGHAM.
- YOU SPENT ALL OF JANE'S MONEY
ON CLOTHES?
- OF COURSE NOT.
I LENT THE REST TO TRAVIS
FOR A BUS TICKET HOME.
DON'T WORRY; HE'S GOING
TO REPAY US WHEN HE GETS BACK.
- YOU MORON.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET JANE
AND TRENT OUT OF JAIL?
- OH.
SEE, I TOLD YOU SOMETHING
UNEXPECTED WOULD HAPPEN.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO SAY TO HIM?
- WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY TO HIM?
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL HIM THE
TRUTH:
YOU GAVE HIM MONEY
THAT WASN'T YOURS,
AND YOU NEED IT BACK.
- OH, DARIA.
ARE WE THAT DESPERATE
THAT WE HAVE TO RESORT
TO THE TRUTH?
- WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER,
REMIND ME TO RUN SCREAMING
INTO THE NIGHT.
- WELL, I TOLD HER,
"IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU
THAT MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME..."
- OKAY, MAYBE THIS WASN'T
SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
- IT'S JUST A BAR.
THEY'RE ALL ALIKE.
- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
- GOD, DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK
PEOPLE DO ON...
- NEVER MIND.
EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
SEEN A COWBOY COME IN RECENTLY?
UM, HE WAS KIND OF, YOU KNOW,
RUGGED LOOKING.
HE WAS HERE TO AUDITION
FOR A JOB SINGING.
- WE'VE HAD A FEW PEOPLE
IN HERE LIKE THAT.
- THIS GUY SINGS COUNTRY MUSIC.
- LIKE I SAID.
- RIGHT, OF COURSE.
OKAY, WELL, THANKS
FOR YOUR TIME.
GOOD LUCK CLEANING
THOSE GLASSES.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
HE DIDN'T TELL US ANYTHING.
- I KNOW.
THESE COWBOY GUYS ARE ALL ALIKE.
- DARIA, ALL GUYS
ARE ALL ALIKE.
THE SECRET IS KNOWING
HOW TO ASK THEM.
- AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO ASK THEM?
- YOU CAN'T JUST BE ALL MEEK
AND RESPECTFUL.
YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT LINE
ABOUT HOW YOU CATCH MORE FLIES
WITH MONEY.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT IF IT WEREN'T
FOR YOUR TOTAL RECKLESSNESS,
IT WOULDN'T MATTER
THAT I'M MEEK,
BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T BE
IN THIS SITUATION.
- DON'T WORRY,
I MAY BE RECKLESS,
BUT I'M ALSO A PROBLEM SOLVER.
HAND ME THAT BAG, WILL YOU?
[men gasp]
- UH, QUINN?
- ATTENTION, GUYS.
WE'RE JUST TWO LITTLE CITY GALS
FROM LAWNDALE.
- LAWNDALE'S A SUBURB.
- RIGHT.
AND WE KNOW
WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE,
BUT SOME FRIENDS OF OURS
GOT PULLED OVER
BY THE SHERIFF RECENTLY.
WE BROUGHT THE BAIL MONEY
TO GET THEM OUT,
AND NOW SOME MEAN OLD COWBOY'S
STOLEN IT.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING ALL COWBOYS
ARE MEAN OR OLD
OR THIEVES,
BUT IT DOES MAKE ME
THINK TWICE
ABOUT EVER CONSIDERING A COWBOY
FOR A BOYFRIEND.
[all muttering]
- WELL, HECK, LITTLE LADY.
I'VE BEEN PULLED OVER MYSELF.
IT'S HUMILIATING
AND BAD FOR THE SOUL.
HERE'S TEN BUCKS.
- DOGGONE IT, WE'RE NOT ALL BAD,
LITTLE MISS.
TAKE 20.
- NOW, HOLD ON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT
THE ONES BEING FLIMFLAMMED HERE?
YOU FAST-TALKING SUBURBAN GALS
THINK YOU CAN JUST MARCH IN HERE
AND CON SOME COWBOYS?
IS THAT YOUR GAME?
- UM, NO, NOT AT ALL.
- YOU THINK WE'RE A BUNCH
OF DUMB HICKS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT US?
- I DON'T CALL 'EM COWBOYS
TILL I SEE 'EM RIDE.
- WHAT?
- 'CAUSE A STETSON HAT
AND THEM FANCY BOOTS
DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S INSIDE.
- HEY, THAT'S CONWAY TWITTY.
YOU LIKE CONWAY TWITTY MUSIC?
- YOU BET YOUR LONESOME PRAIRIE
CAMPFIRE I DO, PARTNER.
- ALL RIGHT.
NOW, THESE ARE COWGIRLS.
FELLAS, STEP ON UP HERE
AND EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.
- YEAH, SURE.
HERE YOU GO.
- WE'LL BE THROUGH
THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
AND HOME IN TIME FOR BUFFY.
GOOD THINKING, DARIA.
- SHUT UP, SHORTY.
- NOW, I'M NOT GOING
TO HAVE TO COME OUT AND STOP YOU
FROM CHASING YOUR HUSBAND
WITH A SKILLET AGAIN, AM I?
- WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
YOU THINK YOU CAN COME OUT
AND STOP HIM FROM SAYING
OR DOING SOMETHING STUPID FIRST?
- I WISH, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO RIDE HERD
ON EVERY STUPID MAN
IN THIS COUNTY,
ESPECIALLY JUDGES.
- UH, HI.
WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP
OUR FRIEND JANE LANE.
- WHO?
- JANE LANE AND TRENT LANE.
THEY'RE WITH A BAND.
- OH, YEAH, THEY'RE NOT HERE
ANYMORE.
THEY'RE WITH THE SHERIFF.
- [children screaming]
- THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY GOOD.
- YOU GO FIRST.
- YOU GO FIRST.
- TOGETHER.
- FINALLY.
- SORRY.
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- HOW'D YOU GET OUT OF JAIL?
- WELL, IT WAS A LITTLE DICEY
WITH THAT JERK DEPUTY.
OOPS, SORRY, TINA.
- IT'S OKAY.
WHEN DADDY PUTS ON
THE UNIFORM,
HE'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON.
- BUT LUCKY FOR ME,
THE SHERIFF'S A BIG FAN
OF PICASSO.
- NOT BAD.
- IT'S HIS DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.
WE'RE WORKING OFF OUR DEBT
TO SOCIETY.
- "WE"?
WHERE'S THE BAND?
- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
- ♪ I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THE RAILROAD ♪
- ♪ EVERY POINTLESS DAY ♪
- ♪ I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THE RAILROAD ♪
- ♪ WHILE MY LIFE
GETS PISSED AWAY ♪
- ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR
THE WHISTLE BLOWING? ♪
- ♪ SHATTER MY DREAMS
IN THE MORN ♪
- ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR
THE CAPTAIN SHOUTING? ♪
- ♪ WISH I WAS NEVER BORN ♪
[children cheering]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
- PLAY ALL NIGHT!
- I GUESS WE'RE A LITTLE LATE,
BUT MAYBE YOU WANT THIS
ANYWAY.
- EXCELLENT.
YOU DIDN'T READ ANY OF THIS,
DID YOU?
- UH, NO.
- COOL.
IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.
OKAY, GUYS.
THIS NEXT NUMBER'S
AN ORIGINAL TUNE.
IT'S CALLED PAINGASM.
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
[lively music]
- SO IT APPEARS
YOU MORGENDORFFER GIRLS
CAN ACTUALLY GET ALONG, HUH?
- FOR BRIEF PERIODS
SPACED MANY DAYS APART.
- WE DID MAKE
A PRETTY GOOD TEAM.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT
THE FASHION CLUB,
AND WE COULD JUST GO AROUND
SOLVING CRIMES.
- BUT THAT'S WHAT THE FASHION
CLUB IS ALL ABOUT:
SOLVING CRIMES
AGAINST FASHION.
- I HOPE JAIL WASN'T TOO BAD
FOR YOU.
- NAH.
- WE MET THE GUY
WHO INVENTED PUNK MUSIC
AND INTRODUCED RICE
TO THE JAPANESE.
- COOL GUY.
- YOU DIDN'T REALLY BELIEVE HIM,
DID YOU?
- HEY, MAN,
YOU WEREN'T THERE.
HE WAS.
- HEY, LOOK!
THEY MADE ME A JUNIOR DEPUTY!
- THAT WAS NICE,
WHAT YOU SAID,
THAT WE MAKE A GOOD TEAM.
- I GUESS SOMETIMES BEING TIMID
WORKS JUST AS WELL
AS BEING CONFIDENT.
- I'M NOT TIMID.
- OH, MY GOSH, LOOK!
IT'S TRAVIS!
- SERIOUSLY, DO YOU REALLY
THINK I'M TIMID?
- YES, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S TRAVIS!
- I'M NOT TIMID.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DARIA.
DARIA!
[screams]
- OKAY, NOW DO YOU THINK
I'M TIMID?
- UM, NO.
WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT ON
SOME MUSIC AND RELAX?
- I'LL PICK THE MUSIC.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
[country music plays]
- ♪ BUT I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪
- EW!
- YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING
TO LIKE THIS STUFF.
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪