Daria (1997–2001): Season 3, Episode 7 - It Happened One Nut - full transcript

- ALL RIGHT,
HERE ARE THE RESULTS

OF YOUR CAREER APTITUDE TESTS.

PERHAPS THEY'LL HELP YOU AVOID
WHISKEY-SOAKED DECADES

WONDERING WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

IF ONLY YOU'D HAD THE GUTS

TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAM
OF A LIFE AT SEA.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
LET IT OUT.

- JUST MAKE SURE
YOU CLEAN UP AFTER.

- MY CONGRATULATIONS, MISS LANE.

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

- PERFECT RECORD.

I'VE GOTTEN THE SAME THING
THREE YEARS IN A ROW.

- ACCOUNTANT?

- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU FILL IN

THE LETTER "C" FOR EVERY ANSWER.

GETS THE WHOLE TEST OVER
WITHIN FIVE MINUTES.

- YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T EVEN
TRY TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS?

- QUESTIONS?
WHAT QUESTIONS?

WHAT'D YOU GET?

- LET'S SEE.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

HOW MUCH CAN THEY TELL
FROM A STANDARDIZED TEST?

I'VE HAD FORTUNE COOKIES
THAT WERE MORE ACCURATE.

- PETROLEUM DISPEN...
DISPENSATION?

HEY-HEY!
I'M GONNA BE AN OIL TYPHOON.

- OH, KEVY, THAT'S GREAT!

- SOUND IT OUT, KEVIN.

THIS SAYS YOU'LL BE PUMPING GAS
AT A FILLING STATION.

- I'M GONNA BE A GAS JOCKEY
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

- EW!

- THEN AGAIN,

SOMETIMES THESE TESTS
CAN BE ABSOLUTELY UNCANNY.

- AHEM.

DOES ANYONE NOTICE ANYTHING
SPECIAL ABOUT ME?

- YES,
FROM JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE,

I REALLY CAN
SEE THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

- DARIA, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO NOTICE,
HONEY?

- MY NECK.

I GOT MY CAREER APTITUDE
TEST RESULTS AT SCHOOL TODAY,

AND THEY SAID I HAVE A FUTURE

AS A NECK MODEL
FOR JEWELRY CATALOGS.

- SO YOUR HEAD WOULD SERVE
AS SORT OF AN ACCENT PIECE.

- I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL

THAT YOU'RE THINKING
ABOUT THE FUTURE, QUINN,

BUT YOU'VE GOT FAR MORE TO OFFER
THAN YOUR NECK.

- YES, WHAT ABOUT
THE UNTAPPED POTENTIAL

OF YOUR SHAPELY WRISTS?

- DARIA, DID YOU TAKE
A CAREER APTITUDE TEST?

- I DON'T REMEMBER.

- SO I HAVE TO CALL THE SCHOOL
TO GET YOUR RESULTS?

- IF YOU SO CHOOSE.

- OR MAYBE I'LL JUST
DROP BY IN PERSON,

BRING YOU A SURPRISE SNACK
FOR YOUR LUNCH BOX,

POP INTO CLASS,
AND GIVE IT TO YOU MYSELF.

- ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S CHECK AND MATE.

[sighs]
[rustling]

- A MORTICIAN?

- HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

NECK MODEL WAS ALREADY TAKEN.

- "YOUR LACK OF INTEREST
IN PERSONAL INTERACTION

MAKES YOU AN IDEAL CANDIDATE
FOR WORKING WITH THE DEAD"?

DARIA, HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY
THOUGHT TO YOUR CAREER PLANS?

- I GUESS I'LL JUST WAIT AROUND
FOR PEOPLE TO KICK THE BUCKET.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE NOT MORE AMBITIOUS.

- YOU WANT ME TO KILL PEOPLE
TO DRUM UP BUSINESS?

- DARIA!

- DADDY, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY
FOR PICTURES OF MY NECK?

- WHY, SURE, HONEY.

PICTURES OF YOUR NECK,
GREAT IDEA.

I'LL JUST RUN DOWN TO THE BANK
RIGHT NOW.

- JAKE, YOU'RE NOT GIVING QUINN
ANY MONEY.

- CAN I GO TO THE BANK ANYWAY?

- SIT DOWN, JAKE.

- BUT I NEED $500
TO PUT TOGETHER A PORTFOLIO.

- QUINN, IF YOU WANT
THAT KIND OF MONEY,

YOU CAN TAKE A JOB AND EARN IT.

- A JOB?

BUT THE STRESS
COULD PUT WRINKLES ON MY NECK.

- TELL ME ABOUT IT.

AND IF QUINN'S GETTING A JOB,
DARIA,

YOU CAN GET ONE TOO.

I WANT YOU TO GET AN IDEA

OF WHAT THE WORKING WORLD
IS ABOUT

SO YOU CAN TAKE AN INTEREST
IN YOUR FUTURE.

- AND GIVE UP STUDYING
FOR THE PRIESTHOOD?

- IT SAYS ON THIS FORM

THAT THEY HAVE PEER COUNSELING
AT YOUR SCHOOL.

EITHER YOU GET A JOB
OR YOU GET SOME COUNSELING

TO IMPROVE YOUR PEOPLE SKILLS.

- WELL, I GUESS COUNSELING
WOULD TAKE UP LESS OF MY TIME.

- DADDY, I DON'T HAVE
ANY WORK CLOTHES.

CAN I HAVE $500
FOR SOME NEW OUTFITS?

- IS THAT THE DOORBELL?

- OH.

- YOU'RE THAT GIRL
FROM QUINN'S HOUSE.

- ARE YOU GETTING COUNSELING
TOO?

- I'M THE COUNSELOR.

IT'S VOLUNTEER WORK

TO HELP THE SOCIALLY CHALLENGED.

- YOU'RE GONNA COUNSEL ME?

OF COURSE.

IT'S SOME KIND OF COSMIC PAYBACK

FOR BEING TOO IRONIC.

OKAY, IS THIS GONNA TAKE LONG?

- "YOU TOO...

"CAN LEARN...

TO MAKE..."

- YES?
- "FRIENDS.

"MAKING FRIENDS"...

- WHY DON'T I READ THAT
TO MYSELF?

THAT WAY, WE CAN BOTH BE
OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE GRADUATE.

- "MAKING FRIENDS IS"...

- FUN?

INTERESTING?
IMPOSSIBLE?

- "IMPORTANT.

FRIENDS CAN BE VERY"...

- USEFUL?

SUPPORTIVE?

PURPLE?
WHAT?

- YOU MADE ME LOSE MY PLACE.

LET'S SEE.

"MAKING FRIENDS...

IS IMPORTANT."

- NOW THEY'RE MAKING ME
LOOK FOR A JOB.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THEY GAVE YOU A CHOICE.

- IT'S BEEN 24 HOURS
SINCE I MET WITH TIFFANY.

AS FAR AS I KNOW,
SHE'S STILL THERE COUNSELING ME.

- SO WHAT KIND OF JOB
ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

- THE KIND
THAT'S ALREADY BEEN TAKEN.

THEY SAID
I HAD TO LOOK FOR A JOB.

THEY DIDN'T SAY
I HAD TO FIND ONE.

- YEAH, I DON'T EVEN
SEE ANY JOBS AVAILABLE.

- WELL, NO SENSE
PUSHING OUR LUCK.

CHEESE FRIES?
- SOUNDS GOOD.

- DARIA,
HOW DID THE JOB HUNT GO?

- IT WAS REALLY ROUGH.

I LOOKED EVERYWHERE

AND COULDN'T FIND
A SINGLE THING.

- HOW CAN THAT BE?
UNEMPLOYMENT IS AT A RECORD LOW.

- THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

EVERYBODY'S WORKING,
AND ALL THE JOBS ARE FILLED.

- GUESS WHAT?

I FOUND A JOB
THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED:

THE PET STORE IN THE MALL.

- ARE YOU SURE IT'S A JOB?

MAYBE THEY'RE JUST TRYING
TO FIND YOU A GOOD HOME.

- AND I'VE ONLY GOT ONE NIGHT

TO COORDINATE MY ANIMAL PRINT
NAIL POLISH.

- DARIA, YOU'RE NOT DEDICATED

TO FINDING A JOB AT ALL,
ARE YOU?

- ON THE CONTRARY.

I'M WILLING TO SPEND
AS LONG AS IT TAKES:

WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS...

- HEY, DARIA, I GOT YOU A JOB!

- FRANKLY, DARIA,

THIS IS NOT WHAT I CONSIDER
AN IDEAL SITUATION.

- THAT'S FUNNY, I'M IN HEAVEN.

- BECAUSE YOUR FATHER CONSULTS
FOR OUR NATIONAL OFFICE,

MY REGIONAL MANAGER ASKED ME
TO GIVE YOU A TRY-OUT,

BUT QUITE HONESTLY,
I DON'T LIKE NEPOTISM.

AND I DON'T LIKE CRONYISM.

- WHERE DO YOU STAND
ON VANDALISM?

- YOU GET THE SAME CHANCE
AS EVERYONE ELSE:

NO MORE, NO LESS.

I NEED MY WORKERS TO THINK,
SLEEP, EAT, AND BREATHE NUTS.

ONLY THOSE WHO MAKE IT THROUGH
MY RIGOROUS SCREENING PROCESS

ARE FIT TO REPRESENT
MY MERCHANDISE TO THE PUBLIC.

- HEY, HEY.
HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M HERE TO APPLY FOR A JOB.

- CAN YOU BAG NUTS?
- SURE.

- YOU'RE HIRED.
- COOL.

HEY, DARIA.

- EACH CUSTOMER MUST BE GREETED
WITH OUR TRADEMARK SLOGAN.

"WELCOME TO IT'S A NUTTY, NUTTY,
NUTTY WORLD.

"WE'RE JUST NUTS ABOUT NUTS.

"CRUNCH NUTS WITH YOUR LUNCH,

"BUY THEM BY THE BUNCH,

SEND THEM TO FRIENDS FAR AWAY
TO MUNCH."

NOW REPEAT THAT
SO I KNOW YOU'VE LEARNED IT.

- WELCOME TO...
- HAVE SOME NUTS.

- IT'S A NUTTY, NUTTY,
NUTTY WORLD.

- CRUNCH MUNCH NUTS.

- WORLD OF...
- WE'RE JUST NUTS ABOUT NUTS.

- NUTS.

- YOU ALMOST HAD THAT.

TRY AGAIN AFTER ME.

WELCOME TO IT'S A NUTTY, NUTTY,
NUTTY WORLD.

- UH, LIKE,
WELCOME TO NUTS WORLD?

- NUTTY, NUTTY, NUTTY WORLD.

- UH, NUTS WORLD NUTTY, NUTTY.

UM... UH, LUNCH?
- NO!

- HEY, DON'T WORRY.

I'LL GET IT RIGHT
FOR THE CUSTOMERS.

- JUST DON'T FORGET TO SMILE.

REMEMBER OUR GUARANTEE:

IF WE DON'T SMILE,
THE NUTS ARE FREE.

AND THOSE FREE NUTS
COME OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECKS.

SO COME ON, SMILE BIG, WIDE.
LET'S SEE THEM.

LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

[mutters]

- LET ME GUESS.

THIS IS YOUR WAY OF MOVING UP
FROM PUMPING GAS.

- YEAH.

I MEAN, THAT TEST WAS, LIKE,
A WAKEUP CALL.

I GOT TO THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE.

I NEED A SERIOUS JOB WITH,
LIKE, A SERIOUS CAREER PATH.

- THIS IS SERIOUS, ALL RIGHT.

- YOU GOT TO TAKE SPECIAL CARE
OF THE ANIMALS.

BELIEVE ME,
WHEN YOU NEGLECT THEM,

THEY DON'T LET YOU FORGET IT.

- EWW!

MR. MATTHEWS, ARE YOU SURE
THESE ANIMALS ARE SAFE?

- HO-HO, SURE THEY ARE.

WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.

NOT EVEN JOANNE.

- JOANNE?

- MY $1,000
PRIZE BOA CONSTRICTOR.

- [screams]

DON'T YOU HAVE
ANY CUTER ANIMALS HERE?

THOSE ARE THE ONES
I ASPIRE TO WORK WITH.

- I'LL INTRODUCE YOU
TO EVERYONE.

THOSE ARE MARIA AND PEDRO,
MY TWO IGUANAS.

THEY NEED EXACTLY
3 1/4 TEASPOONS OF WATER

EVERY 45 MINUTES.

THESE ARE MY CANARIES...

BE SURE NOT TO BREATHE TOO HARD
ON THEM...

TRAVIS, MAVIS, VENUS, ELVIS,
CLORIS, CLOVIS, AND POSH.

GOT THE NAMES?
- OH, YES.

- GREAT!
THEN COME MEET THE GOLDFISH.

- HUH.

- OKAY, KIDS,
LET'S DO SOME BUSINESS.

REMEMBER, NO UNAUTHORIZED
PERSONNEL BEHIND THE COUNTER.

AND MOST OF ALL,
SMILE, SMILE, SMILE,

OR THE NUTS ARE FREE.

- WHOA!
FREE NUTS!

- UH, KEVIN,
HE MEANT FOR THE CUSTOMERS.

- HUH?

- WELCOME TO IT'S A NUTTY,
NUTTY, NUTTY WORLD.

WE'RE JUST NUTS ABOUT NUTS.

CRUNCH NUTS WITH YOUR LUNCH...

- YEAH, CAN I GET A BAG
OF PISTACHIOS?

- OKAY.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

THERE.

- WOW, YOU DID IT.
YOU SOLD A BAG OF NUTS.

- THAT'S RIGHT, KEVIN.

I'M SO HAPPY YOU WERE HERE
TO SHARE IT WITH ME.

- HI, WELCOME TO NUTTY WORLD.

[gulps]

HI, THERE,
WELCOME TO NUTTY WORLD.

WE'RE JUST CRUNCHING OUR LUNCH
AND SENDING OUR NUTS...

UH, DARIA,
WHAT COMES NEXT AGAIN?

- BANKRUPTCY COURT.

- CAN I GET
TWO POUNDS OF ALMONDS, PLEASE?

- SURE THING, MA'AM.

HEY, DARIA, WHICH ONES
WERE THE ALMONDS AGAIN?

- THESE.
RIGHT HERE.

THE ONES WITH THE SIGN THAT SAYS
"ALMONDS" ON THEM.

THAT'S THE SAME WORD
ON THE SIGN OVER THERE

WITH THE PICTURE
OF THE ALMOND ON IT.

- OH, YEAH, RIGHT, THANKS.

SO WHERE DID YOU POINT AGAIN?

- I'D LIKE MY NUTS, PLEASE.

- HANG ON.

- HERE, BIRDIES,

COME GET YOUR BIRDSEED.

- WHAT WAS THAT?

DID I HEAR YOU SAY OOPS?

OH, MY GOD,
I ONLY SEE SIX CANARIES.

WHERE'S TRAVIS?
- UM...

A NICE OLD LADY JUST WALKED IN
AND BOUGHT HIM.

SHE BROUGHT HER OWN CAGE.

- FANTASTIC.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, QUINN.

- [sighs]

GREAT, NOW I'M A WHOLE BIRD
FURTHER AWAY FROM MY PHOTOS.

- WOW!
THAT'S YOUR THIRD SALE.

I THOUGHT YOU BRAINS
ONLY KNEW ABOUT SCHOOL STUFF,

BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW
HOW TO SELL NUTS TOO.

AMAZING.

- YES, KEVIN,
YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW HANDY

A COMMAND
OF BASIC LITERACY SKILLS CAN BE.

- KEVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ANGIE TOLD ME SHE SAW YOU HERE

GIVING SOME LADY A BAG OF NUTS
AND SMILING YOUR HEAD OFF.

YOU KNOW WOMEN
CAN'T RESIST YOUR SMILES.

- BUT, BABE,
I GOT TO SMILE AT EVERYONE.

IT'S PART OF MY JOB.

- OH, KEVY.

IT'S JUST FOR THE JOB, RIGHT?

- SURE, BABE.
I PROMISE.

- OKAY, BUT THIS SIGN SAYS
A SMILE... JUST ONE.

IF I CATCH YOU GIVING MORE
THAN ONE SMILE TO A CUSTOMER,

YOU'RE QUITTING.

- NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME SMILE.

FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING.

- I NEED FOUR POUNDS OF WALNUTS.

- DO YOU THINK HE'S SMILING
AT YOU BECAUSE HE WANTS TO?

HE'S NOT, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE MAKING HIM.
- HUH?

- WORLD OF CRUNCH LUNCH NUTS.

MUNCH THE NUTTY, NUTTY?

- SO HOW WAS THE FIRST DAY
ON THE JOB?

- IT WENT GREAT.

THE ANIMALS LOVE ME.

- I HEARD A CANARY GOT CAUGHT

IN THE AIR FILTRATION SYSTEM
AT THE MALL.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?

- STOP MAKING THINGS UP.

BESIDES,
IT WASN'T REALLY MY FAULT.

- [sniffs] HEY!

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES?
- THAT'S DARIA.

SHE SMELLS LIKE PEANUTS
FROM HER STUPID JOB.

- I WHAT?
[sniffs]

OH, GOD.

THAT EXPLAINS THOSE SQUIRRELS
AT THE BUS STOP.

- WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT,
TELL US ABOUT YOUR JOB, DARIA.

- IT WENT SURPRISINGLY WELL.
- REALLY?

- IN FACT, I DOUBT I CAN EVER
TOP TODAY'S PERFORMANCE.

SO I THINK I'LL TAKE EARLY
RETIREMENT STARTING TOMORROW.

- NO, YOU WON'T.

YOU'RE NOT QUITTING UNTIL
YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME THERE

TO REALIZE YOUR FUTURE
IS NOTHING TO TAKE FOR GRANTED.

RIGHT, JAKE?

- CAN WE HAVE OUR
PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES NOW?

- WHEN ALIENS EAT OUT,

WHERE DO THEY
RELIEVE THEMSELVES?

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
RESTAURANT RESTROOMS

TONIGHT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN SCHOOL:

YOU'RE TRAPPED
IN A MUCH TIGHTER SPACE,

THE RULES ARE STUPIDER,

AND KEVIN'S VERY CLOSE.

- SHOULD I COME DOWN AND VISIT?

OFFER SOME MORAL SUPPORT?

- YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN ME IN
ENOUGH HUMILIATING SITUATIONS.

- SO WHAT WOULD ONE MORE HURT?

MISERY LOVES COMPANY.

- YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME THAT.

IT'S THE BASIS
OF OUR WHOLE FRIENDSHIP.

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN COME,

BUT DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE KNOW.

- HEY, JANIE.
HEY DARIA.

- MM, HEY.

- DIDN'T YOU MAKE SOME COFFEE
LAST WEEK?

- YOU LOOK AWFUL.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

- JESSE AND I WERE UP ALL NIGHT
TRYING TO WRITE A NEW SONG,

BUT WE ONLY ENDED UP
WITH ONE CHORD WE LIKE.

- AND WHICH CHORD WOULD THAT BE?

- "A" MINOR SEVENTH.

- NO.
"A" DIMINISHED.

- I'LL GET ANOTHER CRAMP.

- [sniffs] HEY.

THAT'S WEIRD.

SUDDENLY I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR PEANUT BRITTLE.

- CONGRATULATIONS, DARIA,

DESPITE YOUR $15 PENALTY
FOR UNSMILED NUT SALES,

YOU'RE OUR FIRST
SALESPERSON OF THE DAY.

- I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF THE DAY

MY PICTURE
WOULD HANG IN A NUT HOUSE.

- WELL,
IF YOU EXPECT TO KEEP IT THERE,

YOU'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER
TO SMILE.

- THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

I'M OFF
TO GET SOME ART SUPPLIES.

SEE YOU.
- OKAY.

SEE YOU.

LET'S GO HIT THAT NEW NUT STAND.

I'VE BEEN CRAVING
HONEY ROASTED PEANUTS ALL DAY.

- GETTING A SNACK?

YUM.

LET'S GO SNACK SOMEWHERE.

- LET'S SEE.

YOU COULD TAKE LITTLE PUDDY PIE,

OR THERE'S LITTLE FIFI,

AND THIS PUPPY OVER HERE
IS SNUGGLES.

- I LIKE THIS ONE.

- OH, NO, THAT'S BARKSY.
HE'S MY FAVORITE.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE FIFI INSTEAD?

- BUT I WANT THE OTHER ONE.

- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- [gasps] OH, NO!

WHERE'S JOANNE?

- WHO'S JOANNE?

- MR. MATTHEWS SAID NOT TO LET

THE PUPPIES' LITTLE PAWS
TOUCH THE ROUGH FLOOR,

SO I PUT THEM ON THE LID
FROM JOANNE'S CAGE.

- WHO'S JOANNE?

- HOW DID SHE GET
OVER THE SIDE OF THE CAGE?

DON'T BOA CONSTRICTORS
HAVE GRAVITY?

- [screams]
- [screams]

- COME ON, LET'S GET SOME PIZZA

OR TACOS OR CHEESE STICKS
OR STUFFED PITAS,

BURGERS, BAGELS,

CHICKEN-FRIED B.B.Q.
BUFFALO WINGS, MY TREAT.

- JANIE, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT PEANUTS ALL DAY.

I'VE GOT TO GET SOME.

THEY'VE, LIKE,
HIJACKED MY BRAIN.

- MOTH TO A FLAME.

Both: HEY.

- YOU'VE HIJACKED MY BRAIN.

- MOTH TO A FLAME.

- IF YOU DON'T RELEASE ME,

- IT'LL REALLY BE LAME.

- NO.

- I'LL FORFEIT THE GAME.

- NAH.

- MY SOUL'S WAVES OF GRAIN.

- I'VE HEARD THAT
SOMEWHERE BEFORE.

- YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE.

- TOO MANY SYLLABLES.

- OH, NO.

COVER FOR ME, KEVIN.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE A BREAK.

- WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- FURTHER INTO MY PERSONAL HELL.

- HEY, I JUST REMEMBERED,

BIG STRING GIVEAWAY
AT THE GUITAR STORE, THIS WAY.

- YOU'VE HIJACKED MY BRAIN.

- MOTH TO A FLAME.

- IF YOU DON'T RELEASE ME...

- I'LL GO JUST THE SAME.

Both: MOTH GONNA FLY.

MOTH GONNA FLY.

MOTH GONNA FLY FROM YOUR LOVE.

- HEY, LOOK!
MONSTER TRUCKS AND NAKED MODELS.

NAKED, NAKED, NAKED.

- ALL RIGHT, SECOND VERSE.

IT'S MY PERSONAL HELL,

WHERE I ROAST IN MY SHELL.

- ROAST IN MY SHELL?

- OH, MAN,
I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT

TILL I GET THOSE PEANUTS.

- HEY, WELCOME, NUTS.

MUNCH A BUNCH
OF YOUR NUTTY FRIENDS' LUNCH.

- UM, OKAY.

I NEED SOME PEANUTS.

- COOL.

UM, PEANUTS.
PEANUTS.

HEY, DARIA,
WHERE DO WE KEEP THE PEANUTS?

- DARIA?

- SCRIMMAGE INJURY.

- DARIA?

HEY, DARIA!

YOU KNOW WHERE THE PEANUTS ARE,
DARIA?

- TRY THE PEANUT BIN, YOU IDIOT.

- CAN YOU COME OUT AND SHOW ME?

- NO.

- UM... YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT ANY PEANUTS
AFTER ALL.

- BUT YOU SAID
THEY HIJACKED YOUR BRAIN.

- WELL, NOW I THINK A BURGER'S
TAKEN OVER MY BRAIN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- COOL.

- HEY, DON'T GO.
COME BACK.

SEE YOU AGAIN AT NUT, NUT,
NUTTY, NUTTY LUNCH WORLD.

HEY, YOU CAN'T GO BACK THERE.

- YEAH, I CAN.
THEY CHANGED THE RULES.

- OH, COOL.

- HEY.

- WELCOME TO IT'S A NUTTY,
NUTTY, NUTTY WORLD.

WE'RE JUST NUTS
ABOUT HUMILIATION.

- I TRIED TO KEEP THEM AWAY.

- NICE JOB.

- COME ON,
YOU GOT A BREAK COMING UP?

I'LL BUY YOU SOME JUNK FOOD.

SOMETHING NOT IN THE NUT FAMILY.

- YEAH, THAT'LL BE NICE.

LET'S GO CRUISE THE MALL
IN CASE THERE'S SOMEONE I KNOW

WHO HASN'T SEEN ME
IN MY NUTTY WORLD UNIFORM.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

- DARIA.
- SEE YOU LATER.

[phone rings]

- MRS. MORGENDORFFER?

THIS IS JANE, DARIA'S FRIEND.

- JANE, DO YOU NEED AN ATTORNEY?

I DON'T DO CRIMINAL WORK,
BUT I'LL GET YOU SOMEONE.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE
UNTIL WE GET OVER THERE.

- NO, NO, I'M LOOKING FOR DARIA.

- DARIA?
WHY ARE YOU CALLING HERE?

- SHE TOLD ME
SHE WAS GONNA TALK TO YOU

ABOUT THE WAY
THEY'RE TREATING HER AT WORK.

- REALLY?

- THEY PROBABLY
HAVEN'T LET HER OFF YET.

I BET SHE'S STILL
IN THE BACK ROOM BAGGING NUTS.

- WHAT?
IN THE BACK ROOM?

HOW IS SHE GOING TO IMPROVE
HER SOCIAL SKILLS THERE?

- YEAH, THAT'S THE THING.

SHE'S THE SENIOR EMPLOYEE
AT THE NUT STAND

AND THE MOST QUALIFIED,

BUT FOR SOME REASON,

HER MALE COWORKER IS THE ONE
THEY'VE GOT BEHIND THE COUNTER.

- WHAT?

I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED

ONE OF JAKE'S SLEAZY CONTACTS.

[exasperated groan]

- LISTEN, I NEED YOU GUYS

TO FIND
A MISSING BOA CONSTRICTOR

WHILE I WORK UP FRONT.

DON'T WORRY, THEY DON'T BITE.
THEY JUST STRANGLE.

- I'LL FIND IT FOR YOU, QUINN.
- I'LL FIND IT.

- NO, I WILL.
- NO, ME.

- HOW ARE WE GONNA
CALL THE SNAKE

WHEN WE DON'T KNOW ITS NAME?

- YOU DON'T CALL A SNAKE,
STUPID.

YOU PLAY
ONE OF THOSE FLUTE THINGS.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO PLAY A FLUTE.

CAN'T WE PUT OUT SOME SNAKE FOOD
OR SOMETHING?

- WHAT DO THEY EAT?

- HEY!
LOOK.

[squeaking and chittering]

[louder chittering]

THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.

- WHERE'S DARIA?

- WELCOME TO
IT'S A NUTTY, NUTTY...

- OH, SHUT UP.

- YOU CAN GO BACK THERE NOW.
THEY CHANGED THE RULES.

- MOM?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?

- WORKING WITH FILBERTS.
- OH, I SEE.

YOU'RE IN BACK
DOING THE PHYSICAL LABOR

WHILE THAT GOON
IS UP FRONT NETWORKING.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE
TO BAG YOUR NUTS, PAL.

YOU'RE NOT
EXPLOITING MY DAUGHTER ANYMORE.

- YOU CAN'T TAKE HER AWAY.
SHE'S MY SALESPERSON OF THE DAY.

- I'M SURE YOUR VALUABLE
MALE COUNTER HELP

IS MORE THAN QUALIFIED
TO COVER FOR HER.

- HEY, DARIA, WAIT!

MY APRON'S CAUGHT
IN THE CASH REGISTER AGAIN.

- [whimpering]

- THE NERVE
OF THAT SEXIST CAVEMAN.

TO THINK HE COULD GET AWAY
WITH TREATING YOU THAT WAY.

- IT WAS AWFUL.

AWFUL.

[squeaking and chittering]

DAMN PEANUT SMELL.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING?

- [screams]
GET THIS THING OFF ME, MAN!

- CAREFUL WITH HER.
SHE HAS SENSITIVE SCALES.

[both moaning and groaning]

- I SWEAR, BABE, THAT WASN'T
A SMILE THE SECOND TIME.

[bell rings]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

FINALLY SOMEONE I KNOW
IS ATTACKED BY ANIMALS,

AND I AND MY VIDEO CAMERA
ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

- I'M NOT SURE
IF CUTE LITTLE FURBALLS

MILLING AROUND YOUR FEET
REALLY CONSTITUTES AN ATTACK.

- HEY, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY WERE THINKING.

- WELL, NOW KEVIN, QUINN,
AND I ARE ALL OUT OF A JOB.

WHICH SUITS ME FINE.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

- IT'S DARIA'S FAULT.

YOU GOT TOO CLOSE TO ME
WITH YOUR STUPID NUT SHIRT.

YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC
TO PISTACHIO DYE,

AND NOW I'VE GOT A RASH.

MY NECK MODELING CAREER
IS OVER!

- HEY.
- WHAT?

- I THINK I JUST FOUND
JOB SATISFACTION.

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪