Daria (1997–2001): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Lost Girls - full transcript

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

- DARIA,
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

WHO'S WAITING BY THE PHONE
TO HEAR FROM YOU.

- THAT'S WHY THEY TOOK AWAY
MY PSYCHIC HOTLINE.

- IT'S... OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS MUCH TOO PUBLIC.

SORRY, JANE,
BUT I'M SWORN TO SECRECY.

- I'M SORRY.
YOUR NAME AGAIN?

- OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU
WHO WE'RE CALLING.

IT'S VAL.

YOU KNOW, THE VAL,

AS IN VAL.

VAL, PLEASE.

THIS IS TIMOTHY O'NEILL,

DARIA MORGENDORFFER'S
WRITING MENTOR.

OF COURSE I'LL HOLD.

VAL IS COMING
TO LAWNDALE HIGH

TO SPEND A WHOLE DAY
WITH YOU.

DARIA,
HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF VAL?

- THE ONLY VAL
I CAN THINK OF

IS THE EDITOR
OF THAT STUPID TEEN MAGAZINE.

- YES, SHE LOVED YOUR ESSAY
"MY SO-CALLED ANGST."

- HOW DID SHE SEE IT?

- I SENT IT TO HER,

AND IT WON THE
"SPEND A DAY WITH VAL" CONTEST.

HELLO, VAL?
[chuckles]

TIMOTHY O'NEILL,
LAWNDALE HIGH.

I HAVE YOUR STAR WRITER
RIGHT HERE,

AND SHE IS DYING
TO TALK TO YOU.

- HELLO. YES. NO.

IT JUST ISN'T.

I GUESS I CAN'T STOP YOU.

SEE YOU THEN.
BYE.

- REMEMBER,
WE HAVE TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.

VAL WANTS TO COME TO LAWNDALE
INCOGNITO.

WE WON, DARIA.

WE WON!

- LAWSUIT.
- SORRY!

- "WHAT TV'S HOTTEST HUNKS

REALLY THINK
ABOUT YOUR BLACKHEADS."

SHE PUTS HER NAME
ON THIS CRAP?

- QUITE A FEW TIMES.

"VAL TALKS TO TODAY'S
BRIGHTEST YOUNG STARS

ABOUT WHY THEY LOVE VAL."

ISN'T VAL MAGAZINE
PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK CITY?

- SO?

- SO WOULDN'T A TRIP TO NEW YORK
SWEETEN THE POT?

- BUT VAL'S COMING HERE.

I'M NOT GOING THERE.

- NOT YET, YOU'RE NOT.

- DARIA MORGENDORFFER,

PLEASE REPORT
TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

FOR A COMPLETELY ROUTINE,
ORDINARY, EVERYDAY CONFERENCE.

OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING.

MS. MORGENDORFFER,

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW BIG AN HONOR THIS IS?

- THIS WHOLE THING WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A SECRET.

- DARIA,
THINK OF A GIANT EYEBALL.

THAT'S THE PUBLIC EYE.

WHEN THE PUBLIC EYE
IS TURNED

ON OUR LITTLE CORNER
OF THE UNIVERSE,

HOW DO WE WANT TO LOOK?

- BLECH.

- BLECH?
- GIANT EYEBALLS. CREEPY.

- NOW,
I HAVE A FEW IDEAS

ON HOW WE CAN MAKE VAL'S VISIT
HERE A SPECIAL ONE.

- SCHOOL COLORS DAY?

ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE THE
PUBLIC EYEBALL CONJUNCTIVITIS?

- BROUGHT BACK FROM THE GRAVE
BY BLACK MAGIC,

BUT NO ONE TAUGHT THEM
TO CROSS AT THE GREEN.

THE JAYWALKING DEAD
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.

- HEY, KIDDO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- CHILI CON CHEESE PUFFS?

- I GOT THE RECIPE
FROM VAL MAGAZINE.

THE MINT WAS MY ADDITION.

IT'S A FRESH SPRIG.

- JAKE, WHAT IS THAT?

CHEESE PUFFS?

- IT'S THE FAVORITE
OF SOME GUY NAMED MATT.

- HELP ME SET THE TABLE
BEFORE VAL GETS HERE.

- WE'RE EATING
IN THE DINING ROOM?

WE NEVER EAT
IN THE DINING ROOM.

- "SPOTLIGHT:
LAWNDALE FASHION CLUB,

A VAL MAGAZINE
SPECIAL PHOTO SPREAD."

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK THE WORLD'S GONE MAD,
MAD, I TELL YOU.

- THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO BE

THE NEXT INTERNATIONAL
STYLE CENTER.

- PARIS, NEW YORK, MILAN,
LAWNDALE.

- BEFORE THAT...
THAT GRUNGE,

SEATTLE WAS JUST ANOTHER CITY
IN OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

- WRONG WASHINGTON.

- YES,
GRUNGE WAS WRONG,

BUT YOU CAN'T BLAME
THE WHOLE STATE.

- WELCOME TO LAWNDALE,

WHERE STYLE MEETS SUBSTANCE
AND SAYS, "SEE YA."

- VAL!
WELCOME TO OUR HOME.

- OH, MY GOD,
IT'S PERFECT.

IT'S SO REAL.

I AM SO JIGGY WITH MY IDEA
OF SPENDING A DAY

WITH A TYPICAL
HEARTLAND TEEN.

AND YOU, YOU MUST BE
MY BRILLIANT DARIA.

- ACTUALLY, UH...

- OVER HERE, VAL.

- AND THEN I SAID,

"DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY
BEING A WUNDERKIND?"

AND LEO WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, I KNOW,"

AND WE JUST SORT OF SOUL-BONDED
AND HEAD-CLICKED RIGHT AWAY,

AND I GAVE FIONA MY LYRICS,

AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"VAL, YOU ARE SO WISE.

I AM SO GLAD
TO KNOW YOU,"

AND NONIE AND DREW SAID,

"THE MAGAZINE
HAS TO BE YOU

SO EVERYONE CAN KNOW YOU
LIKE WE DO,"

AND THAT'S
HOW I STARTED VAL.

WE'RE YOUNG BUT WISE,

EDGY BUT FULL OF HEART,
LIKE ME, VAL.

- THAT IS FASCINATING.

- SPEAKING OF "EDGY,"
VAL,

I'VE GOT AN IDEA
FOR A FASHION ARTICLE.

SEE...
- EDGY?

I KEEP HEARING THAT WORD
FROM MY CLIENTS.

EVERYONE WANTS "EDGY."

WHAT IS IT?

- "EDGY" IS GOING RIGHT UP
TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF

AND BEING ABLE TO SEE
ALL THE WAY DOWN

AND DANCING ANYWAY.

- WHAT THE HELL
DOES THAT MEAN?

- HOW DO YOU LIKE
THE CHILI, VAL?

- IT ROCKS.

ARE THESE CHEESE PUFFS?

- I GOT THE RECIPE
FROM YOUR MAGAZINE.

IS IT EDGY?

- WE ONLY DO EDGY.

THAT'S WHAT DREW ME

TO DARIA'S ESSAY
"MY SO-CALLED ANGST."

I'M SURE DARIA
CAN TELL YOU ALL ABOUT EDGY.

SHE IS IT,

AND I MEAN "IT"
WITH A CAPITAL I-T.

- DARIA,
YOU'VE BARELY SAID A WORD.

- YEAH, DARIA,
TELL YOUR DAD WHAT "EDGY" IS.

- AS FAR AS I CAN MAKE OUT,

EDGY OCCURS WHEN MIDDLEBROW,
MIDDLE-AGED PROFITEERS

ARE LOOKING
TO SUCK THE ENERGY,

NOT TO MENTION SPENDING MONEY,

OUT OF
THE "YOUTH CULTURE."

SO THEY COME UP
WITH THIS FAKE CONCEPT

OF SEEMING TO BE DANGEROUS

WHEN EVERY MOVE THEY MAKE
IS THE RESULT

OF MARKET RESEARCH
AND A CORPORATE MASTER PLAN.

- JAKE, HONEY,
IS THIS MINT IN HERE?

- YEAH, FRESH SPRIG!

- I LOVE THIS GIRL.

IS SHE SMART OR WHAT?

WHERE'D YOU SHARPEN
THAT MIND OF YOURS, DARIA?

THAT'S EDGY.

- WHAT IS?

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T
STAY HERE TONIGHT, VAL?

WE WERE SO
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

- THANKS FOR THE OFFER,

BUT I THOUGHT
SINCE I'M IN TOWN,

I MIGHT AS WELL CHECK OUT
THE GRAND REGENCY HOTEL.

IT'S FOUR STARS.

- WOW, THAT IS LIVING LIFE
ON THE EDGE.

- IN TOWN?
THAT HOTEL IS AN HOUR AWAY.

- MY DRIVER DOESN'T MIND.

SEE YOU TOMORROW,
GIRLFRIEND.

- BYE!
- BYE, VAL.

- BYE, GIRLFRIEND!

- SHE SEEMS VERY NICE.

I THINK YOU'LL HAVE

A GREAT TIME TOGETHER
TOMORROW.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK,
QUINN?

- UM, WAS SHE A LITTLE OLD
FOR THAT OUTFIT?

- SHE'S A LITTLE OLD
FOR THAT BRAIN.

- TRY NOT TO BE TOO NEGATIVE,
DARIA.

- I'M NOT BEING NEGATIVE;
I'M BEING EDGY.

- WHAT IS THIS WORD?
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

SOMEBODY EXPLAIN IT TO ME!

[doorbell rings]

- HI, GIRLFRIEND.

I AM, LIKE,
BEYOND PSYCHED.

THIS IS GOING TO BE
TOO MUCH FUN.

ARE YOU JUST SO JIGGY
WITH THIS?

- OH, YEAH.

- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA ♪

[rock music]

- OH, NO, DO YOU THINK
ALL THOSE PEOPLE

ARE THERE TO SEE ME?

- THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING,

SINCE NO ONE KNOWS
YOU'RE HERE.

- VAL.

MEG ROSATA,
CHANNEL FOUR NEWS.

MIND IF WE FOLLOW YOU AROUND
FOR A WHILE?

- UM, SORRY, BUT TODAY I'M JUST
A REGULAR LAWNDALE HIGH STUDENT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS,

BUT PLEASE,
NO CAMERAS.

- BUT YOUR OFFICE CALLED
TO SAY YOU'D BE HERE.

- DARN IT!

THEY MUST HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD
MY "NO PUBLICITY" EDICT.

THAT IS SO WACK!

I'M SURE YOU'RE MORE INTERESTED
IN MY STUDENT ESCORT, DARIA.

- VAL,
HOW ABOUT A FEW WORDS

ON YOUR IMPRESSIONS
OF LAWNDALE SO FAR?

- LAWNDALE ROCKS.

- THAT'S GREAT.

LAWNDALE HIGH MAY BE A TYPICAL
AMERICAN SECONDARY SCHOOL,

BUT TODAY
IS ANYTHING BUT TYPICAL.

- BEING FAMOUS CAN BE
SUCH A SPIRALING-DOWN DRAG.

I NEVER WANTED TO GIVE UP
MY PRIVACY, YOU KNOW, DARIA?

- SURE, VAL.

THAT WOULD BE WHY
YOU NAMED YOUR MAGAZINE VAL.

- SO I THINK OUR STRATEGY
SHOULD BE

BASICALLY WE JUST HANG,

AND I'LL COME UP
WITH SOME EAR CANDY,

AND YOU'LL WRITE
ABOUT YOUR DAY WITH ME, VAL,

AND I'LL WRITE
ABOUT VAL'S DAY WITH YOU,

AND WE'LL REALLY GET AT
THE HIDDEN HEART OF HIGH SCHOOL.

ARE YOU WITH?

- UH...

- NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
IT'S A HELL OF A TOWN.

- UM, NEW YORK CITY MUST BE
VERY STIMULATING FOR A WRITER,

ALL THAT CULTURE
AND LITERARY TRADITION.

- NEW YORK?
GREAT PARTIES.

HEY, DARIA, HOW COME EVERYONE'S
WEARING BLUE AND YELLOW?

- IT'S SCHOOL COLORS DAY,

JUST A RANDOM EVENT
INSPIRED BY SCHOOL SPIRIT.

IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOUR VISIT,

WHICH, OF COURSE,
IS A HUGE SECRET.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.

I WANT TO FIT IN
WHILE I'M HERE.

- THEREIN LIES
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.

- GEORGE, I'M GOING TO NEED
A WARDROBE CHANGE.

PULL SOMETHING
YELLOW AND BLUE AND JIGGY.

I DON'T KNOW.

CALL A COURIER
OR ASK THE CONCIERGE.

I HOPE NO ONE ACTS DIFFERENTLY
AROUND ME,

BUT YOU'LL LET ME KNOW,
RIGHT, DARIA?

- OH, THERE'S DARIA!

LET'S SAY HI
TO OUR BUDDY DARIA.

- DARIA?
OUR BUDDY?

- KEVIN, WE LOVE DARIA.

HI, YOU!

DARIA, IT'S ME,
YOUR FRIEND BRITTANY.

- OH, GEE, BRITTANY.

I'M GLAD
I RAN INTO YOU.

I'VE DECIDED TO TRY OUT
FOR THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD.

WOULD YOU MIND
SPONSORING ME?

- UM, SURE THING, DARIA.

- NOPE, THEY'RE NOT ACTING
DIFFERENTLY AT ALL.

HEY, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
WEARING BLUE AND YELLOW?

- IT'S SCHOOL COLORS DAY,
DARIA.

- YEAH, WE'RE NOT
COLORFUL ENOUGH FOR YOU?

- IT'S MY OWN FAULT FOR
GETTING LURED INTO CONVERSATION.

- AREN'T YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE
US TO YOUR NEW FRIEND?

- OH, SHE'S, UM, A FRIEND.

- OH, DARIA,
WE MIGHT AS WELL GIVE IT UP.

I'M JUST TOO RECOGNIZABLE.

OKAY, IT'S ME, VAL.

YES, THE VAL,
AS IN VAL.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
I LOVE VAL.

- YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?

- HOW ABOUT DOING A CHEER

FOR AMERICA'S COOLEST
YOUNG WOMEN, MY READERS?

- UM, OKAY.
GIVE ME A "V."

GIVE ME AN "A."

GIVE ME AN "L."

GOSH, THAT'S SHORT.

- MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE
ABOUT CHEERLEADING

AS THE NEW YOGA.

LAST YEAR I DID YOGA
AS THE NEW CHEERLEADING,

BUT I'M READY
FOR A DIFFERENT SPIN.

PRETTY GOOD
FOR A 28-YEAR-OLD, HUH?

- 28?

- I KNOW, I KNOW.

PEOPLE STILL THINK
I'M, LIKE, 16.

WHEN DREW AND I
GO OUT CLUBBING,

I'M ALWAYS THE ONE
WHO GETS CARDED.

- THESE CLUBS,
ARE THEY VERY, VERY DARK?

- OH, IT'S SO COOL
TO BE BACK IN SCHOOL.

[school bell rings]

- AND SO
IN THE SOUND AND THE FURY,

FAULKNER GIVE US
A VERITABLE KALEIDOSCOPE

OF P.O.V.s,
POINTS OF VIEW.

OF COURSE, THE TITLE ITSELF
IS FROM SHAKESPEARE.

CAN ANYONE TELL ME
WHICH OF THE BARD'S TRAGEDIES?

DARIA?

- MACBETH.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

THE SCOTTISH PLAY.

"LIFE'S
BUT A WALKING SHADOW,

"A POOR PLAYER
THAT STRUTS AND FRETS

"HIS HOUR UPON THE STAGE

"AND THEN IS HEARD NO MORE.

"IT IS A TALE
TOLD BY AN IDIOT,

"FULL OF SOUND AND FURY...
[chuckles]

SIGNIFYING NOTHING."

YES, VAL?

- I'D BE HAPPY
TO TAKE A FEW QUESTIONS.

- OH.
OKAY, SURE.

- VAL,
HOW'D YOU GET STARTED?

- WELL,
I WAS A BIT LIKE DARIA.

I WROTE ALL THE TIME.

I WAS SMART.
I WAS COOL.

- BUT DARIA'S NOT COOL.

- ANYONE WHO WRITES LIKE THAT
IS COOL IN MY BOOK.

AND MY BOOK IS CALLED VAL,
ON SALE AT YOUR LOCAL NEWSSTAND.

NEXT? YES?

- DON'T YOU THINK VAL
COULD TRY HARDER

TO PRESENT A MULTICULTURAL,
MULTIETHNIC,

LESS BRAIN-DEAD POINT OF VIEW
TO ENLIGHTEN GIRLS

INSTEAD OF JUST
MARKETING TO THEM?

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- JODIE.

- JODIE,
YOU'VE GOT GREAT SASSY ENERGY.

NOW LET ME
TURN IT BACK ON YOU.

PEA GREEN NAIL POLISH:
EDGY OR ICKY?

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

- "EDGY" AND "ICKY"

ARE SO HARD
TO TELL APART THESE DAYS.

- EXACTLY! WACK!

- IS THERE A DUCK IN HERE?

- YOU'RE ON.

- WOULDN'T IT BE COOL TO HAVE
A REAL HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT

RESEARCH THAT TOPIC
IN NEW YORK CITY?

- INTERESTING IDEA.
I'LL WRITE IT DOWN.

- AND SO THE SEED IS PLANTED.

- BIOLOGY METAPHOR:
ICKY.

- NOW, WHO HAS A DATING PROBLEM
THEY'D LIKE TO DISCUSS?

I WAS SO GOOD IN THERE.

I SHOULD BE DOING THIS
ON TV.

I COULD HAVE MY OWN SHOW.

- I KNOW.
YOU CAN CALL IT VAL.

- COOL, DAR.

I AM SO DOWN WITH THAT.

I BETTER PHONE MY AGENT.

THIS BEING A TYPICAL HIGH
SCHOOLER FOR A DAY IS SO FUN.

- MM, ALTHOUGH
REAL HIGH SCHOOLERS

DON'T CALL THEIR AGENTS
UNTIL AFTER LUNCH.

- QUINN, I'M CONFUSED.

YOU SAID YOU HAD
A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH VAL.

SO WHY IS SHE HANGING OUT

WITH THAT GIRL
WHO LIVES WITH YOU?

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT,
SANDI.

VAL HAPPENS TO BE DOING
A SPECIAL UNPOPULARITY ISSUE.

COME ON.
LET'S GO TALK TO HER.

- YEAH,
I SEE IT AS A 9:00 SHOW,

BUT THERE'S
SOME FLEXIBILITY THERE.

WORK SOMETHING UP.

OH, AND MAKE SURE
THE NETWORKS KNOW

THAT I'M BLONDE NOW,
OKAY?

WHO ARE YOU?

- IT'S ME, VAL, DAR.

- OH, I FORGOT
WHERE I WAS FOR A SEC.

- HI, VAL.

THESE ARE MY FELLOW
FASHION CLUB MEMBERS.

- HI.
- HOW GOES IT?

- FINALLY,
SOME POPULAR PEOPLE.

JUST KIDDING, DAR.

- VAL, WE'VE DRESSED TO SHOW
THE BEST OF LAWNDALE CHIC.

NOTE THE SIMPLICITY,
THE BOUNCINESS,

THE OVERALL CUTENESS.

- YOU GUYS AREN'T WEARING
YELLOW AND BLUE.

- UM, VAL?

SANDI GRIFFIN,
FASHION CLUB PRESIDENT.

IF I MAY?
- YES?

- MIXING PRIMARIES
DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS?

NOT DONE.

- IT ISN'T?

UM, EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- OH.

- SO YOU FINALLY MANAGED
TO SHAKE GIDGET, HUH?

- NO ONE CAN SURVIVE AN ASSAULT
BY THE FASHION CLUB.

- DOCTORATE, SHMOCTORATE.

JUST TELL THEM
I WON'T ACCEPT THE AWARD

UNLESS NEVE PRESENTS IT TO ME,
PERIOD.

YO, THERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
GOT TO GO.

DAR!

- NO ONE OF OUR WORLD,
YOU MEAN.

- DO YOU THINK IT'S FLIGHTY
TO KEEP CHANGING MY OUTFIT?

OR IS IT ONE OF
THE INALIENABLE RIGHTS THAT COME

WITH BEING A TEENAGE GIRL
IN THE U.S. OF "A"?

- MAYBE
IT'S JUST PLAIN STUPID.

- NO, IT'S FUN,
LIKE YOU, VAL.

- THANKS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO SIT
AT THE POPULAR TABLE?

- YOU SAID TO DO
WHAT WE NORMALLY DO.

- SO LISTEN, DAR.

I'VE BEEN GETTING, LIKE,
THIS VIBE AROUND HERE.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU'RE NOT POPULAR AT ALL?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLIQUE.

- BUT YOU'RE COOL, RIGHT?

- SHE'S REALLY COOL.

BUT THINK HOW MUCH COOLER
SHE COULD BE

IF SHE HAD A CHANCE TO SOAK UP
MORE OF YOUR MENTORISH ENERGY,

LIKE IN NEW YORK CITY.

- HEY, DIDN'T YOU MENTION
NEW YORK BEFORE?

- I JUST THINK THAT
TO REALLY FLESH OUT THIS STORY,

DARIA SHOULD SPEND A DAY
WITH YOU IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT,

EXPERIENCING
YOUR EXCITING LIFE

FROM HER TYPICAL TEEN
PERSPECTIVE.

- REALLY, JANE,
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I THINK VAL AND I HAVE HUNG OUT
ENOUGH TO LAST A LIFETIME.

- THAT'S CALLED SOUL-BONDING,
DARIA, BUT HOLD ON.

I THINK YOUR ONLY FRIEND, JANE,
IS ON TO SOMETHING.

I LIKE THIS DUAL P.O.V. THING,
DON'T YOU?

- JUST LIKE
THE SOUND AND THE FURY,

ESPECIALLY THE FURY.

- EXACTLY!

IT'LL BE FAULKNERIAN
AND SHAKESPEAREAN

AND MAINLY VALIAN.

YOU'LL HANG OUT WITH ME
FOR ONE GLORIOUS DAY

IN YOUR OTHERWISE
HUMDRUM LIFE.

- THANKS, JANE.

- AT YOUR SERVICE, DAR.

- DARIA MORGENDORFFER,

PLEASE REPORT TO THE
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.

AND IF, UM, YOU HAPPEN
TO HAVE ANYONE WITH YOU,

A GUEST OR SOMETHING,

OF COURSE,
THEY'RE WELCOME TO COME TOO.

- JIGGY!

- [groans]

- I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
YOUR VISIT TO LAWNDALE HIGH

HAS BEEN EVERYTHING
YOU HOPED IT WOULD BE.

- THIS PLACE ROCKS.

- ALSO I WAS WONDERING
WHAT'S GARTH BROOKS REALLY LIKE?

- DON'T KNOW HIM,

BUT CHECK OUT MY BUDDY SKEET'S
UNDERWEAR SPREAD

IN MY NEXT ISSUE.

WE'RE TALKING HOT.

HOW DO YOU WANT
YOURS SIGNED?

- OOH, ANY OLD WAY.

"TO ANGELA LI."
"TO MY FRIEND, ANGELA LI."

"TO A GOOD FRIEND
AND A GREAT EDUCATOR

ANGELA LI."

- COOL.

DARIA, YOU'RE TAKING NOTES,
RIGHT?

- YES, DARIA, THIS IS AN
EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU.

- OH, I'M LEARNING
QUITE A BIT.

[cell phone trills]

- EXCUSE ME.

GO AHEAD.
YOU GOT VAL.

OH, HEY, NONIE, HONEY.

WHAT? WHAT?
HE WHAT?

WITH GWYNNIE?
THAT SLUT!

ARE YOU SURE?

NO, OF COURSE
YOU HAD TO TELL ME.

- EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- I AM VAL, AS IN VAL.

I AM VAL, AS IN VAL.

FINE, FINE.

- NOW, YOU'LL NOTE
THE SCHOOL SPIRIT

EVIDENCED BY
THE BLUE AND YELLOW OUTFITS.

WHERE DOES THAT SCHOOL SPIRIT
COME FROM, YOU SAY?

IN MY YEARS AS AN EDUCATOR...

- I AM VAL, AS IN VAL.

I AM VAL, AS IN VAL.

- CAN I GET YOU
SOME WATER?

- GO AHEAD. I'M FINE.

- AH, IN MY YEARS
AS AN EDUCATOR, I...

- I'LL JUST BE A SEC.

I NEED TO MAKE
A PHONE CALL.

- IT'S GOING VERY WELL,
WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

- WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY
COME TO BLOWS YET.

- SHE DOES SEEM
A BIT HIGH-STRUNG.

YOU KNOW, DARIA,
THE CREATIVE TEMPERAMENT

CAN BE A ROLLER COASTER RIDE
OF TEMPESTUOUS EMOTIONS.

I REMEMBER MY OWN BRIEF CAREER
AS A DANCER...

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
SHE WANTS TO HAVE YOUR BABY?

- AS I WAS SAYING,

AS AN ASPIRING
YOUNG BALLERINA...

- YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW IT HAPPENED?

HOW DO YOU THINK
IT HAPPENED,

YOU UNGRATEFUL
TEEN HEARTTHROB CHEESE BALL?

A PITCHERFUL OF FUZZY NAVELS
AND SUNSET

ON YOUR FREAKING DECK
IN MALIBU!

THE SAME WAY
IT HAPPENED WITH ME!

- UM, YOU WERE SAYING?

- YES, I, UH...

- YOU USED ME
TO GET INTO VAL MAGAZINE!

I MADE YOU,
AND I CAN UNMAKE YOU!

YOU ARE NEITHER
HOT NOR A HUNK,

YOU SOON-TO-BE
HAS-BEEN!

[hip-hop music]

SO I SAID,
"THIS IS VAL TALKING,

NOT JUST SOME ORDINARY
TEEN LOSER FROM LOSERVILLE."

- MM.

- ANYWAY,
I AM THROUGH WITH FAMOUS GUYS.

I'M STICKING WITH FASHION
DESIGNERS AND STUDIO HEADS,

AT LEAST
FOR THE TIME BEING.

- MM.

- WATERPROOF EYE MAKEUP
IS SO IMPORTANT, DAR.

AND GLITTER; I'M REALLY
INTO GLITTER THESE DAYS.

IT MAKES EVERYONE
FEEL LIKE A STAR.

ARE YOU GETTING THIS,
DAR?

WHY DON'T YOU READ ME BACK
YOUR NOTES?

- OKAY.
"WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

"HOW AM I GOING
TO GET THROUGH THIS?

DEAR GOD, HELP ME."

- WOW,
YOU ARE SO EXISTENTIAL.

BUT DIDN'T YOU WRITE DOWN
ANYTHING I SAID?

[cell phone trills]

HANG ON.
YOU GOT VAL; GO.

HOW CAN I NOT APPEAL
TO THEIR DEMOGRAPHIC?

THEY ARE SO WACK.

I AM THEIR DEMOGRAPHIC.

THEY WOULDN'T KNOW EDGY
IF IT BIT THEM IN THE BUTT.

OH, CONFIRM MY HAIR COLOR
APPOINTMENT AND FACIAL

FOR TOMORROW, WOULD YOU?

AND WORK UP A SCHEDULE
FOR MY GIRLFRIEND DAR'S VISIT.

THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE,
HELPMATE.

I'M ZONKED.

COLLABORATING IS HARD,
DON'T YOU THINK?

- HOW WOULD I KNOW?

- SORRY ABOUT
ALL THOSE PHONE CALLS.

- OH, I JUST THINK OF IT
AS BEING A WITNESS TO HISTORY.

ANYWAY,
IT ISN'T EVERY DAY

YOUR BOYFRIEND DUMPS YOU
FOR A STARLET.

- I WAS NOT DUMPED.

AND I'M MUCH MORE FAMOUS

THAN THAT PATHETIC
B-LIST PSEUDO-CELEBRITY,

NOT THAT THE SUITS WHO CONTROL
THE AIRWAVES WOULD KNOW.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE

THE WHOLE ADULT WORLD
IS AGAINST YOUTH CULTURE.

- EXCEPT THE ADULTS MAKING
A NICE, FAT LIVING OFF OF IT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
PUSHING YOURSELF

AS SOME KIND OF ROLE MODEL
WHEN ALL YOU CARE ABOUT

IS HOW YOU LOOK
AND WHAT CELEBRITIES YOU KNOW?

AREN'T TEENAGE GIRLS
SCREWED UP ENOUGH

WITHOUT YOU FOISTING
YOUR SHALLOW VALUES ON THEM

AND MAKING THEIR LOUSY
SELF-IMAGES EVEN WORSE?

- NOW LOOK HERE, MISSY.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU, DAR,
A TEACHER?

I AM A ROLE MODEL.

I'M IN TOUCH
WITH THE TEEN WITHIN.

- WHY DON'T YOU GET IN TOUCH
WITH THE 30-SOMETHING WITHOUT?

YOUR READERS AREN'T GOING TO BE
TEENAGERS FOREVER, UNLIKE YOU.

A REAL ROLE MODEL

WOULD BE TEACHING THEM
STUFF THEY CAN USE.

- 30-SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW,
I CAME HERE TO DO

AN ARTICLE ON
A SMART GIRL WHO'S COOL,

BECAUSE SMART IS COOL.

BUT COOL IS COOL TOO,

AND SMART THAT DOESN'T GET COOL
ISN'T SO SMART, IS IT?

YOU CAN FORGET
ABOUT NEW YORK, DARIA.

YOU KNOW, DEEP DOWN,
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A... A...

- A BRAIN?

- YOU ALMOST
MADE ME SAY IT.

I DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE
I'M 30-SOMETHING, DO I?

- SO YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR VAL.

HOW'S MR. O'NEILL
TAKING IT?

- I THINK HE UNDERSTOOD
AFTER I HANDED IN MY ESSAY

ABOUT SPENDING THE DAY
WITH A TOTALLY SELF-ABSORBED

EGOMANIACAL TEEN MAGAZINE EDITOR
DOING THE WORK OF THE DEVIL.

- HEY, DARIA,
DID YOU SEE THE LATEST VAL?

- "MY DAY WITH 'D':

"A DISTURBING TRUE-LIFE LOOK

AT AMERICA'S UNDERGROUND
BUMMER CULTURE."

I WONDER WHAT THIS
COULD BE ABOUT.

- IT GETS WORSE.

- "RECENTLY,
I SPENT AN ENTIRE DAY

"HANGING OUT
WITH A DISTURBING GIRL

"I SHALL REFER TO
ONLY AS 'D'.

"UNENTHUSIASTIC,
UNPOPULAR, CYNICAL,

"'D' JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
HOW GREAT IT IS TO BE A TEEN.

IN FACT,
SHE MAY BE THE ANTI-TEEN."

- I'M AFRAID EVERYONE'S
GOING TO KNOW THAT'S YOU, DARIA.

- HEY,
I'M JIGGY WITH IT.

- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪